When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
We are all prisoners of the past ~ our own past and the past lives of those we care for. We are all trapped in the dismal dungeons of our deep and dark subconscious minds. We all have within us everything that has happened to us, everything we have seen and been told, and worst of all, every degenerate desire we have ever imagined.
Almost all of the time I am a really good guy ~ understanding, supportive, loyal, honest, and honourable. When I am that good guy I don’t need instant gratification, I don’t need perverse pleasures, I don’t feel psychological and spiritual pain. But, sometimes, when I get tired, the negative defects of my character fight their way out of my subconsciousness and I become an angry, bitter, jealous, resentful, untrustworthy fool. The bad memories, the imagined wrongs, the terrible insecurities and fears from the past come flooding into the present.
When I get tired, late in the evening, one of two things can happen to my personality ~ or rather a couple of my character defects are likely to come to the surface. Often, I can become a jealous, resentful, insecure, angry, bitter fool. Alternatively, I may become demonstrably, falsely, overly understanding, adoring, amorous, passionate, sexual, and selfishly lustful. When I get tired my subconscious mind may sometimes drift to one extreme or another, and both are the darker sides of me. These are not the darkest, most devious, and most manipulative aspects of my psyche ~ if I should ever get drunk I can become that epitome of evil, Mr. Hyde.
Sometimes, when I see my reflection, I wish it wasn’t me and I want to turn away. That’s a very negative emotion, because I also know I would do almost anything to change that dark shadow in the mirror into the really good guy I know that I am, can be, should be.
Sometimes it is difficult, and sometimes I suffer, and sometimes the warrior’s path is harder and longer than I could ever have imagined. Yet, this is that path I have decided to walk, the warrior’s path to becoming the very best Man I can possibly be.
Some say that we are all trapped in our own minds. And, that nobody can ever truly express the way they feel deep inside themselves. All I know is that being locked inside a dungeon gives me a chance to rest, reflect, and regather my strength.
In the dungeons of my mind
the evil darkness gathers
yet I am not afraid
Don’t ever let the light of your soul dim,
even if the world seems black and white.
I like women in monochrome.
Maybe I just like women
They’ve all come to look for America…..
Four intensive days attending a self-awareness retreat. Because that’s what it was, self-awareness from the internal structure of human cells to the unconscious vibrations we put out into The Field that surrounds us all. Most of all it was about getting in touch with my inner voice, the subconscious programs that run 95% of my life.
Turns out that most of my life was being run by all the crap I soaked up like a sponge before I was seven years old, and that left me prey to the greatest terror of all young children ~ the fear of abandonment. Even the youngest child instinctively knows that if his or her primary care givers abandon them, then they will surely die. That fear has been ruling my life for all of my life.
And, WTF, I am a uniquely capable and able grown man, who is more than equipped to look after himself in just about any set of circumstances, up to and including being shipwrecked on a desert island ~ and I won’t need a basketball to talk to.
The one thing that always unconsciously terrified me was the ending of a relationship with a woman ~ due to this whole fear of abandonment thing that was ruling my subconscious mind.
But, I know that now, and I also know how to change the programs that were ruling, and will continue to rule most of my life. (You can Never get away from the fact that about 95% of what you do, think, and say comes from your subconscious.)
I have found the real me , I know the real me, and I have changed 2 big things about me. I am no longer a bad carbon copy of my parents, (especially my dad), and I now longer fear abandonment.
The real me, the true me, is now a very cool and very capable guy 100% of the time.
Some say we can Never get away from our upbringing. And, that we can never really change our innermost thoughts, feelings, attitudes, hopes, and fears. All I know is that if you are prepared to work hard enough to find the fulcrum, then you can move your whole world.
don’t just go through the motions
Live a Cool Life instead
I get knocked down, but I get up again
you are never gonna keep me down
Some say that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. And, it’s not how many times you get knocked down that matters, but how many times you get up again. All I know is that when you’re walking through Hell, you’d better keep going.
From the movie The Jewel of the Nile.
Please listen responsibly.
get off your damn ass and get out of your comfort zone
If you can’t find sex under a blue sky, you can’t find it anywhere.
sunshine good times
high clear deep bluest sky
new friends open conversations
food wine music party suntanned girls
strolling sightseeing swimming sunbathing
dancing talking kissing friends romance love sex
late summer Mediterranean vacation’s fond memories
seem mostly of fleeting romance, transient love, casual sex
not that casual sex on vacation is to be approved of
Wherever I go, I always find that special person who is so wrong for me.
In the world’s largest financial centres, I spent most of my career making a hell of a lot of money by exploiting my knowledge of people and what makes them tick. In London, Paris, New York, and Chicago I learned to read people, and know what they really want, need, and desire. My skill was in matching the things I could do with what my clients thought they wanted. And, for a long while, I was the acknowledged world expert in my field of esoteric banking. But, really, my success was all due to the way I could use my interpersonal skills.
If I am so skilled at the art of interpersonal relationships, how come I can get it so wrong with women? Some of the time I am forceful, passionate, prideful, self-indulgent, sensual, lustful, and too warm towards women who possess grace, beauty, and charm. If I am very attracted to a woman I can be far too liberal with my affection, compassion, time, love, and money. I tend to do a little too much by way of extravagances, and luxuries. Maybe I send flowers too often. And, as you would expect, sometimes these women take everything I can give without the slightest show of gratitude, appreciation, or affection in return.
A fool and his money are soon parted, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart. ~ Thomas Tusser
Obviously I am not doing the right things, in the right way, at the right time, with the right person. There isn’t the right balance, or sense of equilibrium. And there’s the rub ~ we don’t choose who we fall in love with.
Something tells me that self-confidence, strength, and passion are a heady mixture which is not always under my control ~ I often let my emotions run away with me, and this can only lead to loneliness and heartache.
My past has been marred by decisions I made that have left me feeling disappointed and bitter. It’s important for me to remember that I am accountable for my decisions. What I need to do is reflect on those past choices in a frank and healthy way, without looking at the past through rose-coloured glasses, or sugar coating the choices I made in error. I have made many bad choices, which then turned out very differently from the way I had hoped.
At times this has caused me much pain, worry, wasted time, and wasted money. Perhaps I fool myself that I always tried to do my best, and that I always had good intentions at heart ~ but I don’t think so. I did my best with the cards Life dealt me, but somehow things always took unexpected turns.
There may have been doubts in my heart which I ignored. I was careless, and not always honest with myself. I have often acted impulsively, with utter disregard for the consequences. I have had the feeling of being utterly out of my depth, and I usually pressed on regardless.
Some say that we can only learn by our own mistakes. And, that we don’t fail by falling down, we fail by staying down. All I know is that I’ve made some bloody painful mistakes.
If there’s nothing much about sex in the paragraphs I’ve written above ~ that’s because usually there hasn’t been any.
Exactly the sort of woman I should have never been involved with. Great legs do not necessarily a nice person make.
When I am true to myself, I am strong beyond measure.
the application of will
continues to tempt me still
uninhibited too dangerous thrill
urges wants desires needs emotional
uninhibited casual sexual relationships fill
my life with seductress midnight encounters
hazardous erotic carnal liaisons midnight hours
rash instant gratification sensual lustful animal urges
I know that I should have become a better man than that
the path to freedom from suffering
is through self-discipline in body, mind, and spirit
Only out of suffering emerges the strongest souls.
jealousy and doubt
the demon soul eaters
visit in the blackest night
darkness lonely frightfulness
another run around nightmares
of lying half-truths dishonest deceit
she was a dark witch circling the firelight
she made it so very easy, and my soul was lost
not all women are witches
but all witches are enchanted women
never accept a kiss from a witch at midnight
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go anywhere with anyone.
night is falling
witch moon rising
she visits bars prowling
drinking, posing, hot flirting
touching, stroking, deep kissing
allowing anything, wanting everything
there is no friendship, affection, romancing
satisfying her promiscuous lust by just fucking
men half her age
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Any fool can know. The point is to understand.
In any real relationship there sometimes comes a point where the past raises its ugly head, and that’s where things can get complicated. The problem is that if the past is not accepted and understood, then the future is going nowhere except into a slow-motion train wreck.
What is needed is real acceptance and understanding of the simultaneous past / present / futures. For without that there is no real point in continuing any relationship.
What is acceptance, and what is understanding? There is a big difference between reluctant acceptance ~ which is what most people descend to ~ and true honest understanding.
To reach the nirvana of true and honest understanding, there must first of all be true honesty. And, in this life true honesty is as rare and fleeting as a double rainbow.
I have never before known real honesty in a relationship. Perhaps excepting right now.