If you can’t find sex under a blue sky, you can’t find it anywhere.
sunshine good times
high clear deep bluest sky
new friends open conversations
food wine music party suntanned girls
strolling sightseeing swimming sunbathing
dancing talking kissing friends romance love sex
late summer Mediterranean vacation’s fond memories
seem mostly of fleeting romance, transient love, casual sex
not that casual sex on vacation is to be approved of
Wherever I go, I always find that special person who is so wrong for me.
In the world’s largest financial centres, I spent most of my career making a hell of a lot of money by exploiting my knowledge of people and what makes them tick. In London, Paris, New York, and Chicago I learned to read people, and know what they really want, need, and desire. My skill was in matching the things I could do with what my clients thought they wanted. And, for a long while, I was the acknowledged world expert in my field of esoteric banking. But, really, my success was all due to the way I could use my interpersonal skills.
If I am so skilled at the art of interpersonal relationships, how come I can get it so wrong with women? Some of the time I am forceful, passionate, prideful, self-indulgent, sensual, lustful, and too warm towards women who possess grace, beauty, and charm. If I am very attracted to a woman I can be far too liberal with my affection, compassion, time, love, and money. I tend to do a little too much by way of extravagances, and luxuries. Maybe I send flowers too often. And, as you would expect, sometimes these women take everything I can give without the slightest show of gratitude, appreciation, or affection in return.
A fool and his money are soon parted, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart. ~ Thomas Tusser
Obviously I am not doing the right things, in the right way, at the right time, with the right person. There isn’t the right balance, or sense of equilibrium. And there’s the rub ~ we don’t choose who we fall in love with.
Something tells me that self-confidence, strength, and passion are a heady mixture which is not always under my control ~ I often let my emotions run away with me, and this can only lead to loneliness and heartache.
My past has been marred by decisions I made that have left me feeling disappointed and bitter. It’s important for me to remember that I am accountable for my decisions. What I need to do is reflect on those past choices in a frank and healthy way, without looking at the past through rose-coloured glasses, or sugar coating the choices I made in error. I have made many bad choices, which then turned out very differently from the way I had hoped.
At times this has caused me much pain, worry, wasted time, and wasted money. Perhaps I fool myself that I always tried to do my best, and that I always had good intentions at heart ~ but I don’t think so. I did my best with the cards Life dealt me, but somehow things always took unexpected turns.
There may have been doubts in my heart which I ignored. I was careless, and not always honest with myself. I have often acted impulsively, with utter disregard for the consequences. I have had the feeling of being utterly out of my depth, and I usually pressed on regardless.
Some say that we can only learn by our own mistakes. And, that we don’t fail by falling down, we fail by staying down. All I know is that I’ve made some bloody painful mistakes.
If there’s nothing much about sex in the paragraphs I’ve written above ~ that’s because usually there hasn’t been any.
Exactly the sort of woman I should have never been involved with. Great legs do not necessarily a nice person make.
When I am true to myself, I am strong beyond measure.
the application of will
continues to tempt me still
uninhibited too dangerous thrill
urges wants desires needs emotional
uninhibited casual sexual relationships fill
my life with seductress midnight encounters
hazardous erotic carnal liaisons midnight hours
rash instant gratification sensual lustful animal urges
I know that I should have become a better man than that
the path to freedom from suffering
is through self-discipline in body, mind, and spirit
Only out of suffering emerges the strongest souls.
jealousy and doubt
the demon soul eaters
visit in the blackest night
darkness lonely frightfulness
another run around nightmares
of lying half-truths dishonest deceit
she was a dark witch circling the firelight
she made it so very easy, and my soul was lost
not all women are witches
but all witches are enchanted women
never accept a kiss from a witch at midnight
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go anywhere with anyone.
night is falling
witch moon rising
she visits bars prowling
drinking, posing, hot flirting
touching, stroking, deep kissing
allowing anything, wanting everything
there is no friendship, affection, romancing
satisfying her promiscuous lust by just fucking
men half her age
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Any fool can know. The point is to understand.
In any real relationship there sometimes comes a point where the past raises its ugly head, and that’s where things can get complicated. The problem is that if the past is not accepted and understood, then the future is going nowhere except into a slow-motion train wreck.
What is needed is real acceptance and understanding of the simultaneous past / present / futures. For without that there is no real point in continuing any relationship.
What is acceptance, and what is understanding? There is a big difference between reluctant acceptance ~ which is what most people descend to ~ and true honest understanding.
To reach the nirvana of true and honest understanding, there must first of all be true honesty. And, in this life true honesty is as rare and fleeting as a double rainbow.
I have never before known real honesty in a relationship. Perhaps excepting right now.
The average man ~ mostly harmless.
All men must have experienced that utter bewilderment when they thought they were doing something good, and that those they cared for would appreciate it, only to be accused of a wrongdoing they cannot comprehend.
I had that yesterday.
So now I don’t know what I did wrong, or where I went wrong, or even what I can do to put it right.
You know what that does to a man of any age? We get defensive. We mentally circle the wagons. We can become difficult. We can get the ‘go away and leave me alone’ and ‘I don’t love you anymore’ thing.
At heart men never grow up. At heart men are not so tough, all we want to do is be around people we like and who like us in return. Men are continually looking for approval and positive reactions. Men are always trying to impress and show that we can do good things.
Yesterday I bombed out of all of that by mentioning in this blog that I wanted to go on a Caribbean cruise at Christmas without getting approval in advance from everyone close to me. Wish I could have done, but people are not always just a ‘phone call away.
I got some passive aggression and some downright rejection in response to my innocent idea and blog post.
So now I feel dirty and worthless.
I’m not in love anymore, that was just silly phase I was going through.
I am just a lost soul, looking for my home.
Man the lifeboats men, this ship is sinking.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
goddess of the moonlight
shine your love down on me
make it kind, strong, and bright
be with me in wanderings by the sea
never leave me alone again in the night
do you feel my heart beating, am I dreaming?
these days I always use a Lumix
the kiss of the sun for pardon
the song of the birds for mirth
you are nearer your love in a garden
than anywhere else on earth