the company you keep dictates the choices that you make
perhaps this man is not a true friend to her
Most of us have all sorts of friends, and in our past we have had all other sorts of friends, depending on how you define a friend. There are twitter and facebook ‘friends,’ those who regularly follow our blog, and some of them may become long distance friends we email, chat with, phone….. Then there are members of our church, neighbours, coworkers, golf / tennis / walking / sports buddies, other members of whatever groups we have joined, drinking buddies, fuck-buddies, and lovers. There are also people we, (more or less), have to closely relate with; parents, other family members, husbands / wives, partners, and children ~ we may or not count any of these as our friend.
And then there are false friends, fake friends, enemies disguised as friends. Just because someone hangs out with you, drinks with you, laughs with you, and has sex with you doesn’t mean they are your friend. People pretend well, everybody lies by omission, people use you for their own ends, and some people will be nice to your face and talk shit about you behind your back. Some people are very good at being fake.
Real friends will bring out the best in you, fake friends will take your very best and use it for their own ends. An evil fake friend will take everything you have and use it to satisfy their own perverted desires.
I firmly believe that everyone we meet, we meet for a reason, but some of these reasons are to teach us a hard lesson, and if we don’t learn and live by those lessons, then we will go on becoming ‘friends’ with toxic people who will teach us those hard lessons over and over again. When you fail a test, life will make you retake it, as many times as you need to learn, accept, and understand those hard lessons.
Be ready and willing to lose, reject, and walk away from toxic friends and dysfunctional relationships. Watch out for people who are;
- mean, unkind, and abusive to you
- belittle you, are jealous of you, will not accept the real you
- are selfish, narcissistic, uncaring of your needs
- have values, opinions, habits and behaviours that make you feel uncomfortable.
- get drunk, use drugs, abuse prescription medication, gamble, cheat, steal, engage in promiscuity with people they pick up in bars
Walk away from those people and all of their friends. Don’t ever try to explain or justify anything, just run far, run fast, and never once look back.
Most of all, remain true to yourself.
Some say that your friends can make or break you. And that some of the most poisonous people come disguised as friends and family. All I know is that when you have a true and genuine friend, you don’t deal with the fakes anymore.
nobody you meet in a bar will ever be a true friend to you
success is born out of discomfort, uncertainty, and risk
When I look back at the times when I have succeeded in life, and believe it or not there have been a few, one thing strikes me as germane ~ I wasn’t sitting in a comfy chair pondering the sharp changes in the price of booze since 1970. Whenever I achieved something important and worthwhile I was uncomfortable, I wasn’t living in the humdrum of my everyday existence, I was operating well outside of my comfort zone.
When we take risks we feel nervous and uncertain, afraid and uncomfortable. If it’s taking risks with our career, leaving a shitty and dysfunctional relationship, going all-in on a game of cards, or trying to run our first half-marathon, our biggest wins are always born out of discomfort, uncertainty, and risks.
Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, and difficulty. ~ Theodore Roosevelt
Usually the more uncomfortable I felt, the greater the risks I took, the harder something was to do, when it was almost impossible, then the bigger the success I achieved, the more self-confident I became, and the greater sense of achievement I felt at the end.
And that’s why true success is so rare, why so few people accomplish anything important, and why so few people ever do anything different ~ most people don’t like effort, pain, and difficulty. Most people don’t even like hard work.
Anytime you try to do something important you will be swimming against the tide. The people around you; family, friends, co-workers, your partner, will all tell you that what you want to do is stupid, impossible, and wrong. The more challenging, unique, and off the wall your project is, the stronger the criticism and negative judgementalism will be. All the people who think they know you will not like you doing something different. You are not only challenging yourself, you are also challenging their cosy little worlds too.
Ignore the critics, the Job’s comforters, the gainsayers, and the judgemental; you get on and do what you want to do to achieve your dreams, have your hearts desires, or just escape the shit life you are living right now.
There will be setbacks, things will go wrong, you will think you have bitten off more than you can chew, you will wonder WTF made to think you could dream the impossible dream, and then make it happen. Ignore all that and just keep on keeping on. It might be hell, but keep on going.
Learn how to be determined, learn how to adapt your plans and schemes to meet changing circumstances, learn how to ignore the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, learn how to be fucking relentless.
Some say that it’s better to stay safe than to take any risks at all. And that it’s all just too difficult, and I want to watch my soaps instead. All I know is that faint heart never won fair lady ~ and you can trust me on that one.
there was a time when Churchill stood alone against the might of Nazi Germany
my wish is to wake up a better person than when I went to bed
We always want what we think we can’t have ~ that’s just human nature. It’s striving to get what we think we can’t have, to dream the impossible dream, to find new experiences and new loves that makes men and women do things like climb Mt. Everest, invent the wheel, put a man on the moon, and besiege Troy for the love of Helen. And every time ordinary people said they were crazy.
If we become a better person we are not only able to take better care of ourselves, we can also take better care of others, especially the people we have feelings for, especially the one we love the most of all.
When you take care of yourself, you’re a better person for others. When you feel good about yourself, you treat others better. ~ Solange Knowles.
Ergo, the first thing you should want to become is a superior version of yourself. Look after yourself, get healthier, fitter, stronger in body, mind, and spirit ~ get control of your emotions, get out in the fresh air and sunshine, get some exercise, read some good books, listen to some uplifting talks on YouTube….. Not only that, take a good hard look at yourself and be brutally honest; are you looking as good as you could? Hair, manicure, clothes, shoes, is your skin as healthy and glowing as it could be, do you smell nice?
What about your finances? Have you got spare cash at the end of the month, or are you continually broke? Are you in a dead-end job that pays peanuts? Do you actually manage your money, balance your cheque book?
And how are your relationships? Are you still madly in love with your partner, or are you in a dysfunctional relationship? Do you like to see your family regularly, or, like me are you totally estranged? Have your friends all turned to strangers?
You know you need to make some changes and rearrange your whole life, and deep down you really know what it is you need to do ~ so do it. You have had enough lessons from life ~ so use them and unfuck your life. You’d think you’d have made some changes by now, so dump the apathy, and be who who really want to be.
And if you don’t know who you want to be, then find yourself your ideal role model, and become them. It does not even have to be a real person; you may want to be India Jones, James Bond, Achilles, Holly Golightly, Ellen Ripley, or Aphrodite ~ don’t just sit there, do something about it ~ act as if you were that person. You will never become your role model, but along the way you will become a superior version of yourself.
Some say that there are going to be some changes around here ~ tomorrow. And that they are just running around in crazy circles like a rat on a wheel. All I know is I hope we find our way someday soon.
don’t all men just love that kind of discourse with a woman they care about?
follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness
Most people, women especially, spend most of their lives being someone else. They play multiple roles, mostly to please other people. Deep down they know that they should be who they are and say what they feel, because those who will object don’t matter, and those who really matter will not object. All the world is a stage and we are but players, and we play the role that seems to fit the situation we are in and pleases the people we are with.
Doing that is incredibly debilitating, causes destructive anxieties, and creates enervating stress deep within your psyche. To begin with there is always the nagging but unheeded thought; why isn’t the real me good enough for him? And, you will get so good at playing the wife, partner, girlfriend, mistress, lover….. that you will lose your true self, that you will forget who you are.
To escape from the self-imposed prison of always being someone and something that, when it comes right down to it you aren’t and never were or wanted to be, you must first of all win back your self-confidence and self awareness. Develop a fuck him, fuck them, fuck the whole world attitude of mind. Be yourself.
It’s better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for what you are not. ~ André Gide
Some people are not going to like that. If you’ve been going to football games / baseball / ice hockey / casinos / to see horse racing and betting on it with your guy just because he likes that, and suddenly you tell him that you hate all that shit, well, he might not be happy. He will be shocked that his perfect woman suddenly has a mind of her own.
Some women have it much worse than that; their partner may encourage them to drink and use drugs, take them to very shady bars, get them into BDSM, subject them to mental and physical abuse, share them with other men….. You know something, if that’s you, then stop it now, before he kills you.
Be yourself, don’t take anything from anyone, and never let them take you alive. ~ Gerard way
It’s good to be you, and it’s hip to be square.
If you have to then get out, escape, leave, find a new home and a new life, and if you must with a much better guy. However, I would caution you most sincerely, it might be a bad idea to leave one relationship and walk right into another. What could be worse is to start a new romance while you are still in your dysfunctional relationship. That’s unless the new man you have found is a very special individual indeed, and encourages you to be you.
About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them. and some won’t like you at all. ~ Rita Mae Brown.
Some say they will do anything for a quiet life. And that you cannot change who you have become. All I know is that you should always be a first rate version of yourself, and not a second rate version of someone else.
don’t find yourself drinking at a bar
alone and hoping for a date
be it good or bad
never give up hope, if you do you will be dead already
Alzheimer’s Disease is a progressive loss of cognitive abilities, speech and language, problem solving skills, and memory. It also makes it very difficult for sufferers to care for themselves, relate to others, and know what’s real and what isn’t. Those with Alzheimer’s can become aggressive, paranoid, suspicious, demanding, depressed, anxious, and confused. As yet nobody understands the exact biochemistry of Alzheimer’s.
Alzheimer’s is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what’s been stolen. ~ Jarod Kintz
About 5.8 million Americans are living with Alzheimer’s, about 1 in 3 seniors will die from this disease, (or some other form of dementia), which is more than die from breast and prostate cancers combined. And, doctors will tell you that there is no effective treatment for this devastating disease.
However, clinical studies have shown that long term dosages of Melatonin, 5 to 15 mg per night over two years, significantly improve the quality of sleep for those who suffer from Alzheimer’s Disease, and ameliorate the effects of this horrible affliction.
Tamara Horner MHNE, ROHP / RNCP of Purple Almond Wellness discusses the effects and benefits of melatonin on Alzheimer’s disease in a couple of very detailed blog posts.
Melatonin is a naturally produced neurotransmitter that mostly comes from our Pineal Gland, it’s principal function is to regulate the circadian cycles, (day / night rhythm), within our brain and bodies, and as you would expect it’s closely linked to serotonin.
It seems that melatonin is a bit of a wonder hormone ~ some of it’s benefits are;
- It’s an anti-inflammatory agent, and it inhibits the secretion of amayloid plaque.
- Melatonin decreases excessive insulin secretion. Too much insulin will mess with your body and brain, and then kill you.
- Melatonin improves your overall hormone balance, it’s the regulator of every other hormone you produce and ingest.
- Toxins and oxidation are reduced in your body because melatonin scavenges the deadly free-radicals and protects your liver.
Melatonin deficiency causes; sleep disturbance, heart disease, cancers, type 2 diabetes, strokes, schizophrenia, Parkinskon’s Disease, and Alzheimer’s Disease.
You can buy synthetic melatonin over the counter at pharmacies, but it is also to be found naturally in;
- Fruits and vegetables. (avocado, cherries, asparagus, tomatoes, pomegranate, olives, grapes, broccoli, cucumber, and especially banana.)
- Grains. (rice, barley, rolled oats ~ but stay firmly away from anything containing wheat.)
- Nuts and Seeds. (walnuts, sunflower seeds, mustard seeds, almonds, pistachio, peanuts ~ but peanuts are not good for most people for other reasons.)
- Poultry, (turkey, chicken, duck.) Seafood, (cod, haddock, shrimp, salmon, tuna, sardines.)
Some say that exercise is the best sleep aid. And that a racing mind makes a bad pillow. All I know is that I’m going to go on taking my daily melatonin and following a Paleo diet.
the brains of Alzheimer’s sufferers are pretty well
if you’re going through hell, keep going
Severe anxiety and depression will blight your life, make you incapable of doing even the simplest things, alter your personality for the worse, give you panic attacks, headaches, breathing problems, digestive problems, heart problems, extreme fatigue, and fill you with a foreboding of doom. Oh, and most likely your blood pressure will go through the roof.
Go to see your doctor and most likely they will tell you that you are suffering from a mild to moderate state of anxiety and depression, and medicate you with something like Xanax or Prozac, amd maybe Zyprexa. All of these drugs directly affect the chemistry in your brain ~ when you take them you are not you. All of these drugs have serious side effects, up to and including making you want to commit suicide. Unless body, mind, and spirit are all nurtured, full recovery can never take place. Taking an antidepressant / anti-anxiety drug is just painting over the problem, you need to find the proximate cause of your severe mental illness and find a way of dealing with it.
The potential causes of your anxiety and depression are many and mostly a part of what should be a normal life ~ but even normality can be taken to extremes. You will probably have recently experienced, or still be suffering, one or more of these shattering events; death of a loved one, or someone you felt you should have loved, a failed relationship, a toxic and dysfunctional relationship, separation, leaving home, divorce, physical illness, a very shitty job, loss of your job, poverty, bullying, fear, taking care of the sick and elderly, worry about getting old and your looks, lack of good sex, spiritual issues….. and you are most likely addicted to booze, medication, or something like pot and cocaine. Also, anything and everything bad in your past means you are suffering from stored pain.
Nobody is even remotely interested in your pain. Your family and friends will proffer fatuous and useless advice. You must be willing to take full responsibility for your own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Especially you must stop hurting yourself with booze, too much medication, drugs, cigarettes, bad food, not eating, and not getting enough sunshine, fresh air, and exercise. If you don’t take care of yourself you will get sicker, you might die.
Most importantly stop trying to please other people all the time. You cannot ever change other people, you can only distance yourself from them so they stop hurting you. You must be the real and true you, and not someone that those around you think you should be.
Some say that you cause all your own problems. And that you just spend all your time feeling sorry for yourself. All I know is that you will get much better if you stop listening to all those unhelpful toxic people.
you can get used to almost anything
except death, but by then nothing matters
stalking is a serious crime with serious consequences
Stalking is cruel and incessant torture that can have terrifying results. The victim of a stalker can be tormented for years, left too scared to go anywhere, to leave their home, scared of the telephone ringing, unnerved by the slightest unexpected sound. Stalking is a crime that can paralyze an otherwise normal woman with fear, paranoia, and dread.
Your stalker is probably also an alcoholic, they have a sixth sense and know when you change your routine. Sometimes when you plan to be far away from anywhere they would expect you to be they will come home early, or call you, or when you stop to get petrol, (gas), they will be at the same gas station.
Stalkers have an obsessive over-identification with their unwilling target but also a latent envy of their talents and beauty. If they can’t possess the object of their obsession totally, they will destroy the victim’s qualities that they can never have. ~ Stewart Stafford.
Stalkers are cunning. Stalking can happen to you with or without a fear of physical violence, but it will involve verbal and mental abuse. This is not acceptable but is very difficult to prove and the authorities will be reluctant to take strong action. Stalking can even involve you constantly receiving flowers and other gifts, and there is fuck-all chance that the authorities will take any action over that.
Stalking also leads to threatening behaviour, physical attacks, serious sexual assault, serious physical harm, and murder.
The sad thing is that reality says that you will be your stalker’s active object of obsession for anywhere from one month to forty-some years ~ probably the rest of your sad and tortured life. So how to win?
Trust your instincts. Your family, friends, children will pressure you to downplay your stalker’s behaviour. Don’t, your own safety is your #1 priority, not keeping other people happy.
Call the police if you feel in immediate, clear, and present danger.
Keep a record, a stalking diary, tape all his phone calls and any verbal contact he has with you. Save all emails, texts, letters, photos, cards, and postings on social networking sites. In any event, if you are being stalked get off all social networking sites.
Get a restraining order from the courts ~ your stalker will undoubtedly ignore this.
Find a victims’ group, but beware, stalkers also try to attend these groups.
Murder, or having your stalker beaten up is not a good plan for you.
There is only one effective way to defeat your stalker, and that is to bug out, do the big geographical, just plan on getting out ~ but unless you really leave your old life behind your stalker will find you.
Some say that stalking is just a serious of coincidences. And that there is a very fine line between serendipity and stalking. All I know is that some ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, and estranged daughters need and deserve all the protection they can get.
eventually your stalker will grab you by the throat, you don’t have to let him choke you
that’s why I drink ~ escaping from the real world
Some situations you can find yourself in are uncomfortable, painful, difficult, dangerous, intolerable. It might be work, family, marriage, living with someone, romance, an affair, a stalker….. It could be as bad as gaslighting, where you are being psychologically manipulated so much as to doubt your own sanity. Or you could be verbally and physically abused, bullied, threatened, and deeply hurt.
I myself was once bullied at work by my director, aka the Ginger Bitch, she was a woman and I was a very senior and very successful executive. It made going in to work at all an immensely stressful thing, it kept me awake at nights, and I started drinking far too much. Drinking too much is only a temporary escape. For a while I fantasized about pushing her into traffic on a very busy London road, decided that wasn’t a good plan. So, I did the only sensible thing I could, and left that job, got myself out of there, escaped.
If you are in an intolerable situation, then the most sensible thing you can do is leave, get out, escape, leave town, change all your numbers and email addresses…..
And this is where it will get heartbreaking for you. Leaving home is a momentous decision you will shy away from making, put off for as long as possible. You would rather live in misery than make the irreversible decision to leave your abuser. Before that you will try all kinds of other ways to escape; booze, drugs, an affair, promiscuity, vacations on your own with all of the aforementioned.
It’s no good, eventually for your own safety and sanity you will have to leave. Before that you need to prepare;
- tell nobody of your plans, not family nor friends
- stash away a lot of cash in a place known only to you
- if you can find a place, say a storage unit, then stash away clothes, shoes, utensils, and anything else you might need in your new life
- get a new cell, new email id, new internet provider, new tablet
- decide where you are going to go, not to your family nor friends because your abuser will find you there ~ a woman’s refuge in another town is good
- leave home when your abuser is at work, at a bar, with their whore, vanish, disappear, tell no one or your abuser will find you
- buy a different car, preferably a van, pick up your stuff, and drive, keep to all the traffic laws, drive a long way in an unexpected direction
Sadly it might be more complicated than that. You may have kids in tow, you might be reported to the police as anything from a missing person to a kidnapper of your own children, you have no job so you might go broke fast, if you tell a relative where you are then your abuser will find you. Tell nobody, and I mean nobody where you are; send a postcard from another state to tell people that you are safe.
Some say that escaping is easy, it’s found at the bottom of a bottle of booze. And that things are bound to get better soon. All I know is that escaping takes bravery, determination, and a shed load of preparation.
just think how good freedom will feel
the easiest person to deceive is one’s own self
patience is not always a virtue
Who are you? Wife, partner, girl-friend, mother, daughter, homemaker, servant, doctor, nurse, lover, whore….. None of that is you, they are just descriptions, they are just roles you play, for all your world is a stage and in your life you will play a myriad roles. And none of them are you, all of them are false and but masks you wear.
From the moment we are born we start to lose our identity, we are imprinted with the thoughts, opinions, beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours of those around us, particularly those of our parents, teachers, and other care-givers. We are taught the first roles we are expected to play, and none of them are truly who we are.
When was the last time you sat quietly and thought about yourself, were brutally honest with yourself, looked at your own behaviours, traits, style, beliefs, attitudes, where you are in life, and what you sacrifice of yourself to satisfy others? When did you last know who you truly are?
Man’s main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is to be himself. ~ Erich Fromm
We need to make a big effort understand ourselves better, and once we understand ourselves we will be able to improve by optimising our strengths and working on our weaknesses. We need to learn to be be ourselves, and not the actor that others want and expect us to be.
Decide who you are and who you want to be. Forget other people’s priorities, ignore their wants, needs, desires, and unrealistic expectations of you, and think about yourself for a change. Unless your world is populated by saints and angels, then everyone you know has expectations of you, and those expectations are not always in your best interest.
Particularly if you are married or in a relationship you will almost never be yourself, mostly you will be who your partner needs, wants, desires, and expects you to be. If you are in a dysfunctional and toxic relationship you will diminish and sacrifice yourself for the sake of peace, to avoid being shouted at, to avoid being mentally abused, to avoid being physically abused.
I might suggest that if you are in a dysfunctional relationship, and you don’t want to lose yourself completely, then you should find a way to get out ~ very soon.
Spend time to discover all the ways in which you play different roles to satisfy the expectations of others, and then decide to chuck all of that stuff in the trash. Decide to be yourself, even if you don’t yet know who that is.
Some say that you can get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. And that if they make a wish then things will be safe in the morning. All I know is that the most liberating decision of my life was to be myself.
meeting the expectations of others leaves our true self tied up in knots
being in control of your finances is a great stress reliever
Next to being in a dysfunctional relationship, money troubles are the commonest cause of severe stress. Sadly, dysfunctional relationships and money troubles often go together.
There are four sets of reasons that may have caused your money troubles;
- Misfortune. This is not your fault, You may have lost your job, have uninsured medical expenses, your ex may have never paid child maintenance, your water heater may have exploded in a cloud of steam…..
- Laziness and Stupidity. You never open your mail, you don’t check your balance when you withdraw cash from the ATM, you can’t be bothered to balance your cheque book, you don’t bother to look for the thriftier items when you go to the supermarket…..
- Compulsive Spending. You max out your credit cards and then get another, your favorite pastime is shopping, when you’re stressed you go shopping, you buy shoes you will never wear, you’ve bought a car you can’t afford, you buy stuff you don’t really want, need, or already have…..
- Addictions. Maybe this is where things get really, really bad. You’re a drunk and you spend a fortune on booze in bars and supermarkets. You’re a drug addict, you’re always jonesing for your drug of choice, and you would do anything to get your next fix, including spending the rent on coke. You’re a gambler and when you’re in a casino you lose track of time and money. You’re a sex addict and pay for a fuck or a suck, and you’re addicted to on-line porn and sex-chat…..
So you’re flat broke, have bills to pay, and you are very, very stressed, suicidally so. So WTF can you do?
- Stay calm, make yourself a cup of tea, sit down, get a pen and paper and make some notes.
- Work out exactly how much you owe in outstanding debt, including all your credit cards, parking fines ~ basically write down and add up every single penny you owe. Depressing isn’t it?
- Work out exactly how much is the bare minimum amount a month you need to live on, including food, rent, utilities, car repayments, insurance, parking, and petrol, (gas). Compare that with how much you’ve got coming in, and if you’ve got less coming in than you will have going out, find something on your list you don’t need to buy.
- Find the nearest discount grocery store, and resolve to shop nowhere but there in future, and to buy only their cheapest stuff, providing it’s nutritious.
- Contact your bank, finance, and credit card companies and see if they can help you by deferring or reducing repayments.
- STOP FUCKING BUYING NON ESSENTIAL STUFF. If you have to, then cut up all your credit cards.
- Find a way to recover from your addiction. If you have to go to a couple of AA, or NA, or GA meetings a day then get your butt down there. Take part. STOP doing whatever it is that you’re addicted to; if it’s booze or drugs you may need medical help.
Some say that something good will turn up soon. And that the Micawber Principle is a load of bullshit anyway. All I know is that one shouldn’t throw good money down the drain.
it isn’t this pensioner’s fault that she’s broke
you should have her worries