it hurts not having her close
it would hurt worse not having her at all
and I loved her
she wasn’t here
yet I adored her
even from afar
and I desired her
wide oceans apart
to possess her
I still love her
dancing to tunes of love and hope
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
and you’re not in this world to live up to mine
I didn’t expect her to do that at the dinner table
One of the reasons my life was such a mess was that I had some expectations from a relationship that were no longer being met. I was and am far too attached to a woman, and being in love with a woman always leads to expectations, and in my experience expectations always leads to bitter disappointments. Those disappointments were making me very confused, is it infatuation, lust, desire, love, an emotional need, or a dysfunctional friendship? And how does a normal guy find a way through that Dionysian maze?
Expectation is the root of all heartache. ~ Shakespeare
No matter how hard I tried I could not free myself of the expectation that I deserved an emotional, sensual and sexual friendship where the love I thought I felt was returned freely and fully. That is the big danger of having expectations, often they are unrealistic, often they lead us to believe that we deserve something or someone, and quite often our expectations are a million miles from the reality of any given situation.
Also expectations are passive, we don’t need to actually do anything to have huge expectations. Expectations are the result of feelings, and I should know that feelings are often false and the result of twisted programming hard wired into our subconscious mind before we were seven years of age. Feelings are not real, and our feelings often have fuck all to do with what’s going on in the real world.
We should never blame people for disappointing us, we should blame ourselves for expecting too much from them, or expecting things from them that they can’t give to us, or don’t want to give us. We should never blame others for our own negative feelings of anger, jealousy, misery, resentment, sadness….. Our feelings belong only to ourselves, we should own them, and if our feelings are distressing us don’t try to change the world, that’s too difficult, we should change ourselves instead.
Expectations can be as trivial as expecting a nice day, as important as expecting a pay rise at work, or as destructive as thinking you love someone who doesn’t love you. Unrequited love is incredibly painful, trust me, I know.
We always want what we can’t have, life is so cruel that way.
Some say that if we don’t expect the good things from life then all we will ever get is dross. And that we have a right to expect to get what we want the most. All I know is that I’m still trying to find a way to stop loving someone. You’d think a man would know.
and I expected a great beach-front hotel
Christmas is forever, not just for one day.
Aside from the whole birth of Jesus Christ thing a couple of thousand years ago, around dawn at some stable in the middle of the desert, why should Christmas Day be different from any other day in the calendar? Maybe we feel we should be especially nice to people, be more giving and forgiving, be more loving towards ourselves and others? Perhaps it’s the one day in the year we think of, email, telephone, or visit friends, relatives, or loved ones we haven’t thought of or seen since last Christmas. Perhaps Christmas Day is the day that our heart breaks all over again.
Some people look forward to Christmas, thinking that the day will bring them the happiness they so want and need. Trust me, looking for happiness in the future is a short road to misery ~ even believing that you will be happier at Christmas than the unhappiness you’ve suffered for the rest of this year might not be your best ever plan.
One result of trying to find happiness in the future is that we can wish our lives away, believing the future will be better than now. There are some basic rules; nothing ever changes, the only thing we can change is ourselves, and tomorrow will pretty much be the same as today.
There are some supplementary rules, one of which is that travel over the Christmas holidays is going to be fucking terrible. Flights will be packed and delayed, trains will be cancelled, and the roads will be full of Sunday drivers who have no idea how to cope if it even so much as rains. And if it snows…..
My 5th or 6th worst memory of a Christmas is trying to drive the 300 miles from London to Durham, on Christmas Eve, in a blizzard. That annual journey was one of the reasons I never looked forward with pleasure to Christmas. It grew so that I dreaded Christmas Eve.
And yet, around midnight, I still searched the night sky, hoping to see the magic of Santa.
Christmas changes everyone and everything. Christmas changes our memories of the past, our attitudes in the present, and our expectations for the future. We each of us hope for a brighter Christmas and a better New Year. So, Hallelujah ~ Noel ~ Be it Heaven or Hell, the Christmas we get we deserve.
Some say that Christmas has become too commercialised. And there is no such person as Santa Claus, magical or otherwise. All I know is that I have a friend who leaves a carrot out for his donkey and a glass of tequila for him.
how will Santa cope when there are moms on the moon?