toxic and malignant relationships are dangerous
doesn’t happen as often as some might desire
Why do so many good people find themselves in a toxic relationship? Is it because we expect people to live up to our own standards? If that’s true then a lot of us are going to be very disappointed a lot of the time. It’s worse than that, some women put themselves in danger by dating / having a relationship with / marrying abusive men. What some women never seem to learn is that men don’t change, what he’s like when you first meet him is what he is always going to be like.
The warning signs that people are not who they say they are include;
- being unreliable, frequently turning up late or not showing up at all
- being evasive about themselves, what they do, where they live, what kind of family they have
- being evasive about their past
- lying, and especially lying by omission
- never being the first to pick up the check in a restaurant or bar
- having a regular bar where they know all the other patrons, talking to everyone in a bar except you
- drinking too much, turning up stoned, being far too interested in sports
- being broke, owing money, trying to borrow money from you
- liking much older / younger friends and potential / actual sexual partners
- being too rough when you have sex, being too interested in porn, being more than just a little kinky, wanting to share you with someone else
The thing is, even if your date / partner / spouse is displaying some or all of these warning signs many men and women close their eyes to these negatives and only see their paramour through rose tinted spectacles. Or worse, some people are very aware of their date’s faults but go on seeing them anyway, with the unrealistic expectation that they will change, if only they are given a chance. Remember that a leopard never changes its spots.
If your gut is telling you that your date’s affection and protestations of love are false, then 99.9% of the time your gut is right, and you are being used and manipulated, Some toxic people will only pretend to love you as much as they can use you, and their fake love will end when the benefits stop.
The biggest signs that you have totally unrealistic expectations of your date / partner / spouse are that they stop being interested in sex with you, and instead get interested in sex with everyone and anyone else. If someone cheats on you then they don’t give a shit about you.
Some say that inside every bad person there is a good person trying to get out. And that if we just give someone a chance they will change for the better. All I know is that all of our expectations of another person are most likely unrealistic.
if your partner becomes amorous at parties, then it’s time for you to walk away
a shared memory is worth a thousand words
sometimes, silence is golden
Reality is not what we think it is. People are not who we believe them to be. Memories are not real, and past only exists in memories. The future doesn’t yet exist, despite that almost everything we do is directed by what we want the future to be. And were it not for all that then the present would be very different from the Now we create for ourselves.
Suppose your much loved partner tells you something dark, difficult, and perhaps reprehensible about their past? The usual reaction, particularly the way men usually react, is to take that thing in your partner’s past and bring it right into the present. We can get angry and jealous about something that happened before we even knew our supposedly much loved partner. Retroactive Jealousy is real, powerful, and destructive. People also get angry with people who hurt their partner in the past, and then because they can’t do anything about that they get angry with their partner instead. Dragging the past into the present changes the Now, and then most likely goes on to change the future as well.
Conversely we can take our wants, needs, dreams, and desires, which only exist in an infinite number of possible futures, and drag them right into the present to create expectations. We may have a great relationship with someone, but then we think of the way we want things to be, and create for ourselves a slew of unrealistic expectations. What we have is what we have. What we want and desire only exists in the future. Basing the Now on what might happen in one of an infinite number of possible futures is a recipe for insane unhappiness.
Some ancient cultures believe that the Past, Present, and Future exist and happen all at the same time. Quantum physics pretty much says that too. But if we live in the days of future’s past we are going to get very unhappy very quickly.
To avoid being continually angry, jealous, miserable, resentful, and single it’s important to live in the Now. To do that we have to learn acceptance and understanding. We have to stop being jealous and judgmental. We might want to learn about meditation and mindfulness.
Trust me. I have made every single mistake I’ve talked about above, and then some.
I am very lucky I am not alone and lonely in this Now.
lonely, unloved, alone
the easiest person to deceive is one’s own self
patience is not always a virtue
Who are you? Wife, partner, girl-friend, mother, daughter, homemaker, servant, doctor, nurse, lover, whore….. None of that is you, they are just descriptions, they are just roles you play, for all your world is a stage and in your life you will play a myriad roles. And none of them are you, all of them are false and but masks you wear.
From the moment we are born we start to lose our identity, we are imprinted with the thoughts, opinions, beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours of those around us, particularly those of our parents, teachers, and other care-givers. We are taught the first roles we are expected to play, and none of them are truly who we are.
When was the last time you sat quietly and thought about yourself, were brutally honest with yourself, looked at your own behaviours, traits, style, beliefs, attitudes, where you are in life, and what you sacrifice of yourself to satisfy others? When did you last know who you truly are?
Man’s main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is to be himself. ~ Erich Fromm
We need to make a big effort understand ourselves better, and once we understand ourselves we will be able to improve by optimising our strengths and working on our weaknesses. We need to learn to be be ourselves, and not the actor that others want and expect us to be.
Decide who you are and who you want to be. Forget other people’s priorities, ignore their wants, needs, desires, and unrealistic expectations of you, and think about yourself for a change. Unless your world is populated by saints and angels, then everyone you know has expectations of you, and those expectations are not always in your best interest.
Particularly if you are married or in a relationship you will almost never be yourself, mostly you will be who your partner needs, wants, desires, and expects you to be. If you are in a dysfunctional and toxic relationship you will diminish and sacrifice yourself for the sake of peace, to avoid being shouted at, to avoid being mentally abused, to avoid being physically abused.
I might suggest that if you are in a dysfunctional relationship, and you don’t want to lose yourself completely, then you should find a way to get out ~ very soon.
Spend time to discover all the ways in which you play different roles to satisfy the expectations of others, and then decide to chuck all of that stuff in the trash. Decide to be yourself, even if you don’t yet know who that is.
Some say that you can get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. And that if they make a wish then things will be safe in the morning. All I know is that the most liberating decision of my life was to be myself.
meeting the expectations of others leaves our true self tied up in knots
it hurts not having her close
it would hurt worse not having her at all
and I loved her
she wasn’t here
yet I adored her
even from afar
and I desired her
wide oceans apart
to possess her
I still love her
dancing to tunes of love and hope
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
and you’re not in this world to live up to mine
I didn’t expect her to do that at the dinner table
One of the reasons my life was such a mess was that I had some expectations from a relationship that were no longer being met. I was and am far too attached to a woman, and being in love with a woman always leads to expectations, and in my experience expectations always leads to bitter disappointments. Those disappointments were making me very confused, is it infatuation, lust, desire, love, an emotional need, or a dysfunctional friendship? And how does a normal guy find a way through that Dionysian maze?
Expectation is the root of all heartache. ~ Shakespeare
No matter how hard I tried I could not free myself of the expectation that I deserved an emotional, sensual and sexual friendship where the love I thought I felt was returned freely and fully. That is the big danger of having expectations, often they are unrealistic, often they lead us to believe that we deserve something or someone, and quite often our expectations are a million miles from the reality of any given situation.
Also expectations are passive, we don’t need to actually do anything to have huge expectations. Expectations are the result of feelings, and I should know that feelings are often false and the result of twisted programming hard wired into our subconscious mind before we were seven years of age. Feelings are not real, and our feelings often have fuck all to do with what’s going on in the real world.
We should never blame people for disappointing us, we should blame ourselves for expecting too much from them, or expecting things from them that they can’t give to us, or don’t want to give us. We should never blame others for our own negative feelings of anger, jealousy, misery, resentment, sadness….. Our feelings belong only to ourselves, we should own them, and if our feelings are distressing us don’t try to change the world, that’s too difficult, we should change ourselves instead.
Expectations can be as trivial as expecting a nice day, as important as expecting a pay rise at work, or as destructive as thinking you love someone who doesn’t love you. Unrequited love is incredibly painful, trust me, I know.
We always want what we can’t have, life is so cruel that way.
Some say that if we don’t expect the good things from life then all we will ever get is dross. And that we have a right to expect to get what we want the most. All I know is that I’m still trying to find a way to stop loving someone. You’d think a man would know.
and I expected a great beach-front hotel
Christmas is forever, not just for one day.
Aside from the whole birth of Jesus Christ thing a couple of thousand years ago, around dawn at some stable in the middle of the desert, why should Christmas Day be different from any other day in the calendar? Maybe we feel we should be especially nice to people, be more giving and forgiving, be more loving towards ourselves and others? Perhaps it’s the one day in the year we think of, email, telephone, or visit friends, relatives, or loved ones we haven’t thought of or seen since last Christmas. Perhaps Christmas Day is the day that our heart breaks all over again.
Some people look forward to Christmas, thinking that the day will bring them the happiness they so want and need. Trust me, looking for happiness in the future is a short road to misery ~ even believing that you will be happier at Christmas than the unhappiness you’ve suffered for the rest of this year might not be your best ever plan.
One result of trying to find happiness in the future is that we can wish our lives away, believing the future will be better than now. There are some basic rules; nothing ever changes, the only thing we can change is ourselves, and tomorrow will pretty much be the same as today.
There are some supplementary rules, one of which is that travel over the Christmas holidays is going to be fucking terrible. Flights will be packed and delayed, trains will be cancelled, and the roads will be full of Sunday drivers who have no idea how to cope if it even so much as rains. And if it snows…..
My 5th or 6th worst memory of a Christmas is trying to drive the 300 miles from London to Durham, on Christmas Eve, in a blizzard. That annual journey was one of the reasons I never looked forward with pleasure to Christmas. It grew so that I dreaded Christmas Eve.
And yet, around midnight, I still searched the night sky, hoping to see the magic of Santa.
Christmas changes everyone and everything. Christmas changes our memories of the past, our attitudes in the present, and our expectations for the future. We each of us hope for a brighter Christmas and a better New Year. So, Hallelujah ~ Noel ~ Be it Heaven or Hell, the Christmas we get we deserve.
Some say that Christmas has become too commercialised. And there is no such person as Santa Claus, magical or otherwise. All I know is that I have a friend who leaves a carrot out for his donkey and a glass of tequila for him.
how will Santa cope when there are moms on the moon?