Vacation Introspection
If you do what you always did, then you’ll get what you always got.
As I don’t need to earn a living these days, some may say that my whole life is just one long vacation. Actually it doesn’t quite work like that ~ when I’m at home in the garret my time seems to be filled with lots of ordinary and everyday stuff. Whereas, now I’m here holidaying on Lanzerote I seem to have much more time to just sit in the sunshine and let my thoughts drift where they will.
It seems that I needed to resolve some issues, to reject the things that have blocked me in the past; the people, the choices, the mistakes, the material possessions I thought were so important….. It seems that I need to move away from the material world towards spiritual and emotional growth, and that I need to place less importance on relationships that do not, and perhaps never will, provide what I need and desire.
I need to awaken the strength within me, the spiritual self, the masculinity, ready to fight back against all the negative influences, the misleading promises, the illusions and delusions about what real happiness looks like for me.
There are some dreams and personal ambitions I want to fulfil, particularly in terms of interpersonal relationships, and particularly sexually. I need to fully assert myself to reconnect with my own internal courage, fortitude, and drive.
This vacation has allowed me to see that I need to progress, for the physical desires I have allowed to be unfilled to really come to fruition, that it’s time to leave behind negative people and influences, even if those people have been very close to me in the past.
It’s time I told people exactly what is on my mind, and it’s time for me to take charge and stop shying away from speaking the truth of my innermost wants, needs, desires, and dreams.
Some say that you can get 80% of what you want for just 20% of the efforts you’ve been putting into a relationship. And that if you give some people an inch they will take a mile. All I know is that if people don’t like the truth they can live their lives without my help.
~
Jack Collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Lanzerote is pretty nice
Time for Thought
Lanzerote, a modern sub-tropical Atlantis set in a silver sea.
Unsurprisingly I like Lanzerote, and I also like the big hotel I’m staying at, despite it being a typical tourist haunt. I’m here courtesy of a solo traveller company, and there are 3 other like-minded people here with me. That’s cool because there are people I can talk with, yet I’m not actually on vacation with them.
The picture is taken from my private balcony, and in the early part of the afternoon I have the time to sit up there in the sunshine and indulge in some deep thought.
My identity and place in the world are clear to me now.
Friendship, sexuality, and love are about acceptance and openness, through and through.
I am aware of my feminine subconscious, but my sexual identity and consciousness are strictly masculine.
Political correctness is not particularly important to me, I can live my life at the edge.
~
Jack Collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
I can live my life at the edge
Another Sunshine Vacation
Lanzerote; an island moulded by an artist.
If this scheduled post appears when I expect it to, then right now I’m at my local airport waiting to board a flight to Arrecife on Lanzarote, one of Spain’s Canary Islands. I’m leaving behind weather in England that’s in the mid forty degrees, heading for sunshine and temperatures in the mid seventies. What’s not to like?
And, it turns out that there’s an adults only beach just a short stroll from the hotel. Shame that none of the people who read my posts ever wanted to vacation with me. I will keep you all apprised.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Marmy isn’t going anywhere that has an adults only beach
Scenes on Sunday ~ New Mexico Snow
On the road, snow is glistening ~ loving the winter traveling…..
~
~
~
~
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalknet
who would believe that it snows in the desert?
An Englishman in Albuquerque
true friendship makes the most of the good in life
New Mexico in November is very bleak, very cold, and very unforgiving ~ and you can trust me on that one, because I’ve been there for the past week. It’s not the kind of country you would choose to spend time in the late autumn unless you had a damn good reason. Such as attending some important conference, except the conference I was at was called a retreat.
After the retreat ended on Sunday I opted to spend another couple of days out here in the high desert, first visiting Santa Fe, and then heading back to Albuquerque to hop a flight back to Orange County CA tomorrow. Despite the cold, snow, and hard harsh countryside, I’m glad that I had the chance to see even just the tiniest part of this vast state.
The experience reinforced in my mind just how different America and Americans are from the life experiences of an average Englishman such as me. That’s a good thing. I need to know that there are other standards of behaviour and ways of doing things than the English way, than the way I would customarily do stuff.
A cool guy should be able to fit into any strange situation, including America, without either making a fool of himself or losing his identity. A very cool guy should be able to be charming, honest, open, and capable of talking with anyone, including Americans from New Mexico. It’s easy to relate to people who are similar to you, but not so easy for an Englishman in Albuquerque.
The watchword is that I need to lose my prejudices, and accept that some people really like to try to connect and have a conversation with someone they have only just met. Or, to put it another way, when in America, do as the Americans do ~ it is their country after all.
Some say that all American men should grow up and stop acting like a high-school freshman all the time. And, that learning to properly eat with a knife and fork would improve the average American’s manners no end. All I know is that America is a cool place, and Americans are really nice people, if you just accept them on their own terms.
~
Jack Collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Dawn in the Enchanted Land.
The Apache called this the Enchanted Land.
Dawn in New Mexico, the mountains silhouetted against a colouring sky, and this dawn perhaps brings a new hope.
–
–
–
Jack Collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
a dawn for quiet contemplation
Scenes on Sunday ~ Desert Beauty
The desert holds its harsh beauty close in secret silences.
~
~
~
~
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
in the desert there is no sense of scale
this natural rock stack is about sixty-feet tall
and some see strange things in these rocks
Monochrome Monday ~ Big Bear
The goal of life is to make your heart beat as one with the Cosmos.
~
~
~
~
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Big Bear is a cool place to spend a long weekend
in the summer
no way I’m going up there at this time of year
I hate snow
Scenes on Sunday ~ Dramatic Clouds
There are no rules of architecture for a castle built in the clouds.
~
~
~
~
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
I heard their evils sounds
as they all tried to clip my wings
and keep my feet back on the ground
I don’t care, I’ve already burned my bridges
so don’t even look for me, I won’t ever be around
Back to Square One
You can’t do the job if you haven’t got the proper tools.
Yesterday I was very tempted to book a trip to Agadir in Morocco, even though I’ve just returned to England after my recent vacation on Crete. (You would like Crete.)
The Moroccan adventure would have been for a week, departing England on October 11th. The whole deal would have cost me less than it’s costing me to fly the Atlantic for my trip to New Mexico in early November. And, that upcoming trip is one reason I’ve decided not to take the Road to Morocco just now ~ I would probably have spent my whole time in Morocco thinking about going to New Mexico.
That, and the main reason for travelling right now is me not wanting to be here on my own, me escaping from what’s going on inside my own head, not wanting to face the fact that I’m the world’s biggest screw-up, me running away…..
I don’t think I’ve shared that each day I pray to my Goddess, and that I write these prayers on slips of paper about the size of a personal cheque, (check). I save these prayers, and each day I take an old prayer from the found vase I keep them in, and contemplate what I was saying in the past.
Today, the old prayer is from December 1st 2015; …..please help me to learn a way to stop finding the bad things in Life.
That is just as appropriate right now as it was then. I am still right back at square one.
In my life there has been heartache and pain. For most of my life I suffered from undiagnosed and untreated Borderline Personality Disorder ~ a seriously dangerous mental illness. For the past few years I have been striving diligently to be a ‘better man’. And, it would seem that I haven’t had that much success.
Here’s the thing, no matter how hard you try to achieve something, no matter what you do, you cannot succeed if you don’t have the right tools for the job.
Today I have come to realise that I don’t have the right tools to achieve enough significant personality changes to become the better man, the superior man.
And then Serendipity kicks in. This New Mexico retreat I am attending in November has the strapline From Chaos to Coherence ~ The Power To Thrive In Life Extremes. If you know anything at all about BPD, you will know that I go to extremes, but perhaps this retreat will put some more and better tools in my psychological toolbox.
Some say that all prayers are answered, but sometimes the answer is ‘no’. And, that if the only tool you have is a hammer then you see every problem as a nail. All I know is that if you’re fighting with the alligators, it’s difficult to remember that you’re supposed to be draining the swamp.
~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Right now the alligators are winning,
so fuck the swamp.
