let today be the day I stop being haunted by the ghosts of the past
black lonely desolate
There are some thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and people that I no longer want to be part of my life ~ especially not this different life I am living today, the different and better life I have known since The Full Wolf Moon. I look in the mirror and the eyes that look back at me are far to hard and brittle, too guarded, too untrusting for the man I wish to become. Some of that is the product of my whole life, and some of it comes from what was a dysfunctional relationship, where I felt that I was giving far more than I received in return.
Truth be told, relationships are not supposed to be like that, if it’s going to work well a relationship between a man and a woman should have balance and harmony, what we are pleased to call ‘give and take’. And, truth be told my bitterness and resentments are my own, they don’t belong to anyone else, and nobody else could have created them in me. Like each and every single thing that happens to us, my negative feelings are things that I did to myself. Nothing happens to us unless we allow it, up to and including being the victim of a natural disaster. Nobody forced you to live in an earthquake zone, or where there are wildfires, and nobody forced the passengers to get on the Titanic.
Specifically my bitterness and resentments were created by some relationships I chose to enter into, and then I stayed in those relationships long past the time I should have just walked away without looking back. Some people are toxic, and while people may change, the memory of that toxicity will live on…..
I do not want any of that in my life, so how do I change it? And I have no fucking idea about how to turn that around, to lose the bitterness and resentments, to lose the memories of toxic and dysfunctional relationships, to begin to innocently trust again. I’m trying to find a way, and there’s nothing there.
All I can do is tell my conscious mind that I want a lighter and more innocent set of thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. I want to only ever remember the good things about relationships past and present, I want to regain my sense of trust, my feeling of fun, my joy in the people I know. I want to be in a place where I truly accept, understand, nurture, and cherish those I profess to care for. I want my unconscious mind to pay attention and change my own hard-wired feelings and beliefs for something far better.
Some say, once bitten twice shy. And fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. All I know is that I would rather be an innocent fool than a guy with very hard eyes.
a new dawn
a new hope
it takes strength and courage to admit the whole truth
You may be aware that in the last few days I have undergone something of a transformation, and it seems the man I have become has a dedication to truth, honesty, and openness. That is not necessarily a completely good thing. Already I have found that there are innumerable situations where complete honesty wouldn’t be appropriate. If someone is promulgating a web of lies about who and what they really are, it seems to me that it’s better if I ignore all that, keep quiet, and allow them to live their life of sad, dishonest, illusions, and delusions.
Hell, for all of my life I lived as versions of me that were only mostly true. That was not my fault, maternal neglect can have a negative effect on your whole life.
If someone wants to hide what they did in their past, and never mention the reprehensible things they have done to give the impression that they are someone and something that they are not and never have been, then maybe it’s better that I ignore that too. After all, if someone is mostly hiding their past, then it means they don’t want others to know about it, including me.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped and packaged boxes full of fucking shit.
In general, if someone is hiding their past it either means they are ashamed of it, or scared of your reaction if they tell you about it. Hiding or denying your past doesn’t work, because sometime, somewhere, someday, somehow you will come up against someone who knows all about you. And the chances are they will tell your new and innocent friend just exactly who and what you used to be ~ either by accident or on purpose.
There are lots of reasons people hide or deny their past, or even who they really are right now; alcoholism, criminality, unpaid debts, drug taking, promiscuity, prostitution, sexual deviance, marriage, children….. But, all of these things are matters of public record, and you can hide none of the above for very long.
I will throw out one piece of advice, don’t lie to me unless you’re absolutely certain I will never find the truth. And even in the days of my crazy alter-egos of myself, I always found the truth.
Mean and toxic people don’t bother me. Mean and toxic people who disguise themselves as nice and honest people bother me a lot. ~ Cindy Cummings Johnson
Some say that everybody lies. And that if someone is hiding their past, then they must have a damn good reason. All I know is that liars need a very good memory, and most people have very poor memories.
every time you tell another lie you handcuff yourself just a little tighter
Poisonous people are like rattlesnakes hiding in the shadows.
Some people are naturally duplicitous and treacherous, charming and dangerous, destructive and toxic. They are snakes who lie hissing in the grass, ready to strike at their victims without warning. And yet, these snakes fool us all the time because they are also beautiful, fascinating, interesting, and seductive.
No matter how much kindness, love, and trust we offer the snake, it’s never going to repay our cherishing support with anything but venom. Snake people are naturally toxic, and the wiser man will keep his distance, limiting his contact, trying to avoid the snake’s poison as much as possible.
If you are unlucky enough to be friends with a snake, and maybe stupid and innocent enough to fall for one, be aware that they will bite the hand that feeds them, and their bite may just about destroy you. Toxic people can ruin a beautiful day, disrupt your life, torture your emotions, do a number on your self-esteem, and take every penny you have. If you know that snake then physically, mentally, and emotionally brace yourself for the ruin to come.
Snakes have an insatiable need for attention, to have the world just the way they want it, to have you behave exactly as they wish ~ while giving you little or nothing in return. They will complain, bitch, be self-righteous and demanding. Snakes never pay for much, but expect your wallet to be open all the time. And these toxic people see nothing wrong in their own bad behaviours.
Toxic snakes will usually have innumerable skeletons in their closet, have some serious personality problems, and be prone to drinking too much, gambling, smoking, occasionally taking drugs, picking up casual sexual partners in bars, being abusive….. Generally being the kind of a person it’s unwise to get close to. And yet we do, all the time.
In dealing with a toxic snake you need to be disciplined, controlled, guarded, positive ~ and preferably somewhere else at the time.
If you recognise the snake in someone you know, or are close to, then walk away. Walk far away, and never look back.
Some say that snakes are cool and fascinating. And that toxic people are just misunderstood and not at all dangerous. All I know is a snake is always nothing but a snake.
dangerous toxic snakes can be beautiful and seductive
Know when to walk away ~ Know when to run
Governments, Politicians, Generals, Admirals, Businessmen, Gamblers, Alcoholics, Husbands, Wives, Lovers, Mistresses, Children, Employees, all have something in common. Time and time again they will go on pouring lives, money, love, health, sanity, and self-respect into deals, situations, and dysfunctional relationships they should have just turned their backs on and walked away.
It’s as though somewhere deep in the human psyche there is a pathological need to keep doing the same old thing, over and over again, no matter how many times it has failed before. Well we’ve probably all had this proverb hammered into our brains as children.
If at first you don’t succeed ~ try, try, try again. ~ Robert the Bruce.
Actually, it’s much, much worse than you would ever believe. Relatively respectable psychologists believe that the misinformation effect makes some people completely forget their failures, and just how bad they were. This is glaringly obvious in gamblers, who never talk about how much they’ve lost, only how much they’ve won. It’s even worse in abusive relationships, where victims totally block out the memories of the abuse, even to extent of selective amnesia and dissociative disorders.
Smarter, more self-aware, more self-confident people eventually realise that throwing good money after bad, or loving the wrong person at the wrong time, or trying the same thing over end over again, is fundamentally stupid.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. ~ W.C. Fields.
In the past I have been as guilty as anyone of raising the stakes on a losing card, and then when I inevitably lost, raising the stakes once again.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. ~ Ablert Einstein.
Eventually, smarter people learn that no matter how hard you try, if they don’t love you for yourself alone, they will never love you for the things you try to do for them. Women and girls especially stay in abusive relationships far longer than they should ~ gaslighting is so insidious.
There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it. ~ Shannon L. Adler.
Today I will go a long way before I ever again try harder to win when winning was always impossible. I know how to recognise and when to get out of a dysfunctional relationship. I have a new Rule #1 in my book.
Rule #1 Always know when and how to get out of Dodge.