We are what we repeatedly do.
If you are at rock bottom, deep in the slough of despond and fighting off depression, then sometimes you can see no way out. Everything seems hopeless and pointless, and you may feel helpless and aimless. There may come a time when you don’t even want to get out of bed ~ unless it’s go and get your next drink or other drug of your choice. Sometimes, late at night I’ve seen disheveled individuals shopping for booze, obviously wearing a coat over whatever they last went to bed in.
When it’s that bad, may I suggest a way to get yourself back onto this planet with the ordinary people? Try to develop some useful rituals and habits that will stick with you for the rest of your life. Perhaps in order of bringing you back to normality, do these things every single day;
- Get yourself out of bed at the same ‘reasonable’ time every day. Say, eight in the morning.
- Go to the bathroom, have a wash, and if you’re a guy get a shave. If you’re a woman, do something with your hair. Do this every morning.
- Every single
fuckingdamn day, find some clean clothes and get dressed. If you went to bed dressed, get changed.
- In the kitchen, drink a pint of water. Try some tea, coffee, and something to eat too.
- Take out the obvious trash, and then walk to the nearest store. Do Not Drive. While you’re there buy food and fruit or vegetable juice. Do Not Buy Booze or Medications.
- After lunch take a couple of hours to nap on the sofa or in the chair. Make it an unbreakable ritual to take an afternoon nap. If you can meditate, make it an unbreakable ritual to try to meditate during that time.
- After your nap telephone someone to tell them you’re alive and doing better. It might be a while since they spoke to you when you were sober, so they’ll be pleasantly surprised. If you don’t know anyone phone AA, or NA, or the Samaritans, but for Gods’ sakes talk to someone.
- Always go for an afternoon stroll. Don’t go into a bar, or the store, or any of your usual haunts. Walk in the park, or by the sea, somewhere peaceful.
- Read something difficult, useful, inspirational, helpful ~ if you have nothing to read, find a big book, or a Bible, or a discarded newspaper, or join the
- Eat an evening meal, every single
fuckingdamn day. Eat a meal even if you feel like throwing up ~ you need the calories and other nutrients, or you will die. Drink a pint of water with your meal
- If you have been to a 12-step meeting before, go back. Attend regularly. If you haven’t been to a 12 step meeting find one that suits your particular problem. If you can’t find something that matches your current form of self-harm, go to AA. If you can’t get there, phone them, and they will send someone to get you.
- Go to bed at the same time every day. Say ten o’clock. Drink a pint of water and then get changed before you go to bed, even if that means sleeping nude. Go to the bathroom before you go to bed, wash, clean your teeth, examine yourself for injuries that might need treatment tomorrow.
If you have never been where I’ve been, where some still are, the above 12 rituals and habits might seem bleeding obvious. But, if the last thing you drank was booze, and the last thing you ate were pills, then those 12 habits might just keep you alive, sane, and on the road to recovery.
you may think you look as cool as this when you go to your bar
Remember the 5th of November, Treason and Gunpowder Plot
Today England, London, remembers the 1605 Catholic Plot by Guy Fawkes and his cronies to blow up the Houses of Parliament while King James the First, the Lord’s, and Members of Parliament were all in there. The plot failed and Guy Fawkes was sentenced to death by being hung, drawn, and quartered. Luckily for Fawkes he either fell, or was pushed, from the scaffold before his sentence could be carried out.
England still celebrates Guy Fawkes death to this very day. The English are obsessive when it comes to remembering things.
I Remember….. I am blessed / cursed with a near ‘eidetic memory’ – I hardly ever forget anything, except names which I seem to forget on purpose This says a lot about my psyche and the Borderline Personality Disorder that goes along with it.
On the upside, this makes me very effective, efficient, organised….. The penalties are that I remember every hurt, betrayal, and negative emotion as though these bad things were happening right now. I become angry, jealous, paranoid, and almost suicidal over things that happened days, weeks, years ago. This leads me into doing really stupidly bad things just to assuage the hurt.
Nobody can be happy living the way I was living. It’s hard enough just to go on existing if you are living the way I was.
I tried to teach myself to forget. That did not work.
Instead I taught myself how to accept and understand. Accept that shit happens, and understand that past trauma cannot actually hurt me in the here and now.
How did I teach myself to let go of the past? Through a lot of hard work, patience, and self-love. I took care of my health and fitness in body, mind, and spirit. And finally I learned to be open, honest, and forgiving of myself and others.
I will write more of my journey from the hellish rock-bottom I managed to reach, to the sunlit meadow by the sea that I live in today.
Some say that we should never forgive and never forget. And that revenge is a dish best served cold. All I know is that nobody likes an obnoxious, misanthropic, angry jerk.
Mr. Hyde is a dangerous place to be
have you ever known love
then cast the first stone
dead leaves wind-blown?
have you ever been alone
felt the need to atone
that cuts to the bone
while your sorrow has grown?
have you ever just flown
abandoned the safety zone
your life’s work overthrown?
cannot live with depression
deadly dreams harsh distress
desiring the empty death
have you never known love?