my wish is to wake up a better person than when I went to bed
We always want what we think we can’t have ~ that’s just human nature. It’s striving to get what we think we can’t have, to dream the impossible dream, to find new experiences and new loves that makes men and women do things like climb Mt. Everest, invent the wheel, put a man on the moon, and besiege Troy for the love of Helen. And every time ordinary people said they were crazy.
If we become a better person we are not only able to take better care of ourselves, we can also take better care of others, especially the people we have feelings for, especially the one we love the most of all.
When you take care of yourself, you’re a better person for others. When you feel good about yourself, you treat others better. ~ Solange Knowles.
Ergo, the first thing you should want to become is a superior version of yourself. Look after yourself, get healthier, fitter, stronger in body, mind, and spirit ~ get control of your emotions, get out in the fresh air and sunshine, get some exercise, read some good books, listen to some uplifting talks on YouTube….. Not only that, take a good hard look at yourself and be brutally honest; are you looking as good as you could? Hair, manicure, clothes, shoes, is your skin as healthy and glowing as it could be, do you smell nice?
What about your finances? Have you got spare cash at the end of the month, or are you continually broke? Are you in a dead-end job that pays peanuts? Do you actually manage your money, balance your cheque book?
And how are your relationships? Are you still madly in love with your partner, or are you in a dysfunctional relationship? Do you like to see your family regularly, or, like me are you totally estranged? Have your friends all turned to strangers?
You know you need to make some changes and rearrange your whole life, and deep down you really know what it is you need to do ~ so do it. You have had enough lessons from life ~ so use them and unfuck your life. You’d think you’d have made some changes by now, so dump the apathy, and be who who really want to be.
And if you don’t know who you want to be, then find yourself your ideal role model, and become them. It does not even have to be a real person; you may want to be India Jones, James Bond, Achilles, Holly Golightly, Ellen Ripley, or Aphrodite ~ don’t just sit there, do something about it ~ act as if you were that person. You will never become your role model, but along the way you will become a superior version of yourself.
Some say that there are going to be some changes around here ~ tomorrow. And that they are just running around in crazy circles like a rat on a wheel. All I know is I hope we find our way someday soon.
don’t all men just love that kind of discourse with a woman they care about?
The heart and soul of a Renaissance Man is creativity.
Creativity, curiosity, honesty, openness, kindness, understanding ~ these things and honour are what separates a truly superior Renaissance Man from the common herd. There are a couple of other important attributes a superior man should possess in abundance; confidence and self-control ~ a Renaissance Man does not want, desire, nor need instant gratification to bolster his self-confidence. The confidence of a Renaissance Man is assured and will brook no criticisms.
A superior man is creative and innovative, and creativity means to actually create something, if there is no physical end-product then all you are doing is daydreaming. Almost everyone can daydream and come up with an idea or two, but few will go on to get those ideas down on paper, make a plan, and go on to create / build / make whatever it is the plan calls for, be it writing a book, creating a work of art, a boat, car, a tiny trailer, a kitchen, bathroom, or even a whole home. Almost everyone goes no further than having an idea, they never follow through and do something tangible. They are held back by a lack of confidence in themselves, laziness, fear, and the pressures of coping with a partner, family, friends, and coworkers. These are excuses, not reasons.
Other reasons for not actually doing something real, for going no further than daydreaming, are; lack of money, time pressures, lack of space, not knowing how to do whatever it is they think they want to do….. All of these are also just
fucking pathetic excuses. And then there are some other reasons people don’t do creative stuff; they drink too much, smoke too much, smoke pot, do street drugs, take too many unnecessary prescription and over-the-counter medications, gamble, spend too much time looking for cheap sex in bars……
Perhaps to be truly creative you first have to put your life in order. It’s a fallacy that booze and drugs will help your creativity ~ all those things will do is help you daydream, right up to the point where you pass out.
Creative living and creativity is available to all of us But how do we energise our creative abilities?
- Do something, even if it’s just baby steps. Make a start on your project, even if it’s just writing down your ideas. Get out of your comfort zone. Pick up whatever tools you need to work on your project, from a hammer, to a brush, to a tablet.
- Mindfullness. Be aware of ourselves, be aware of our environment, be in the moment.
- Fresh air, exercise, sunshine, movement in nature. Get off your ass and take some physical activity to energise your body. Most office workers do not move nearly enough during the day, and then they go home, sit on the sofa, and drink some booze in front of the TV.
- Stop taking yourself too seriously. Reawaken the inner child. Be prepared to make mistakes. Be playful.
Some say that serious people don’t have time to waste on being creative. And, that being mindful is just a ‘new-age’ gimmick. All I know is that a really cool Renaissance Man creates his own reality.
get out into nature
Make your life a journey of being who you want to be.
Better than what? Being a better man than who? Just who am I if I am being a better man?
Well, I’ll tell you what Being the Better Man means to me. It means that today I will be cooler, kinder, more mindful, and more in touch with life than I was yesterday. And tomorrow I will be just a little bit better than I was today. Being the Better Man, the guy that makes other people feels good about themselves, is a journey, not a destination.
Being the Better Man means being better than I used to be, and NOT being better than other people. The only guy I am measuring myself against is myself.
Being a really cool guy, living a really great life, also means losing all those negative defects of character that blighted my life for all of my life. I have managed to lose jealousy, envy, judgmentalism, paranoia, spite, resentment, self-pity, egotism, impatience, insincerity, lust, anger….. And hey, I’m not perfect so all that crap still visits me from time to time, but the dark side doesn’t live with me anymore. Negatively is no longer the driving force of my ego.
All of that horrible and hurtful behaviour came from my childhood, when my innocent subconscious mind soaked up all the bad examples set by the adults around me. Particularly I learned from all the bad attitudes and behaviours and lovelessness exhibited by my parents. Not that my parents were particularly bad, but to a small child anger is a far more powerful emotion than love.
It turns out that it’s impossible for anyone to consciously control their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours twenty-four hours a day, (well the hours you are awake anyway). Ergo, what is needed is to implant newer and better thoughts, feelings, and behaviours into your subconscious mind, because your subconscious mind is actually running the show 95% of the time. And, you do that any way you can, any way that truly works for you; hypnosis, counselling, group therapy, Alcoholics Anonymous, Heart-Brain Harmony, acupuncture….. But not drugs, not under any circumstances. The instant you take any drug or medication you are not you anymore, you are just the drug.
But, if I can change my subconscious mind, then so can you.
self-talk is a very powerful thing
You can never get away from where you’ve been.
We cannot change the past, we can only change the ways feel think and feel about the past. Most people have brutal, painful, and regrettable memories of their past. Events from the past have created who we are today, and events from the past will affect us today, tomorrow, next week, next year, and maybe until the day we die and beyond…..
Some of us may say that we are OK with the past, that things that happened in our childhood and adolescence do not haunt us at all. But beware, even if you are not aware of it, everything that you have experienced in the past; good, bad, terrible, traumatic, joyful, boring….. is affecting your sub-conscious today.
Nobody, up to and including you and me, is completely at peace with their past. We cannot, and should not, forget the past. Our past creates in us feelings of anxiety, bitterness, disappointment, doubt, guilt, fear, frustration, hurt, regret, rejection, sadness….. and most of us recall and remember the negatives from our past more than we focus on the positives.
Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. ~ Chuck Palahniuk
Some of us try to run away from our past; changing where we live, drifting from one relationship to another, changing jobs, drinking too much, taking drugs, attempting suicide, and metaphorically running away to join the circus. But none of that running away ever works, for wherever we go we take the past with us. (Even if a suicide attempt fails it will most likely do irreparable damage to the body, mind, and spirit.)
For some of us it’s even worse, because we are also affected by the past of someone who is very close to us, and emotions created by someone else’s past are incredibly difficult to deal with. This is doubly so if our ‘friend’ hasn’t themselves fully come to terms with their own past.
To be cool with the past we must first be motivated to deal with the past. We need to understand what really happened in the past, not just some biased half-memories that we use to fuel our negative emotions today. Try to find out what really happened in the past. Be willing to talk about and fully explore issues from the past. Stop pretending that everything from the past is fine, when most likely it isn’t. Acknowledge your true feelings, whether they be loss, hurt, shame, anger…..
You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. ~ Iyanla Vazant.
Depending how deeply the past affects us, we may need help to come to terms with what happened, how it affected us, and who we are today because of the past. Speaking to family and friends may help, you may need to see your doctor or a therapist, you may talk with your priest or spiritual adviser, you may need something like hypnosis, or you may just need to really meditate, read inspirational books, listen to motivational lectures, or just go for a long walk in the sunshine.
With any luck we may find out that the past is better than we feared. But, no matter if the past is better or worse than we think we remember, we cannot move on from something we don’t understand and we refuse to accept.
That’s the past for you. Not only does it come back at the most unexpected and inconvenient times, but it’s set in stone. ~ Jeffery Deaver.
There may well be things from the past that need resolution. This might be very difficult, but the longest journey starts with the first baby-step. Be honest. Be self-aware. Be kind with yourself. Seek to understand yourself. Be kind and understanding towards others. And, give yourself time to heal.
A ship does not sail with yesterday’s wind. ~ Louis L’Amour
Some say that we can become cool with the past by keeping a positive outlook and a strong determination to succeed in finding joy instead of negative emotions. And, that the past only exists in our memories and imagination. All I know is that the past isn’t actually here.
If what you’re doing isn’t working,
then do something else instead.
Sense Of Self ~ Low Self Esteem ~ Social Isolation
My counsellor has suggested that I have a poor sense of self. If you read my post Borderline Personality Disorder, you will know that I didn’t really know what that means. So, I did what I do, and undertook a little research.
It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story. ~ Patrick Rothfuss
In psychology the sense of self is defined as the way a person thinks about and views his or her traits, beliefs, and purpose within the world. Then the people in white coats talk about self-image and self-esteem. Do I have a poor self-image and low self-esteem? Some psychologists say the characteristics of genuinely poor self-image and low self-esteem are;
- Social withdrawal
- Anxiety and emotional turmoil
- Lack of confidence, depression or bouts of sadness
- Less social conformity
- Eating disorders / alcohol and or drug abuse
- Inability to accept compliments
- Being unfair to oneself
- Focusing on negativity
- Exaggerated concern over what others think
- Self neglect
- Treating oneself badly, but not treating others badly
- Worrying if you have treated others badly
- Reluctance to put yourself first
- Reluctance to trust one’s own opinion
- Expecting little out of life
It doesn’t feel like I have low self-esteem, in fact I often feel exactly the opposite, but from time to time I have probably done stupid things that tick all of those 15 bullet points.
How do I recover from this? I am not going to stay on this dismal road to the dark end of the swamp for much longer. I know the root cause of my problem, I wrote about some of this in Sometimes I Act Insane, and I am taking steps to address the underlying trauma. But what about some short-term fixes?
There is nothing better in life than commitment to personal development and lifelong learning. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita
After a little bit of research, it turns out there are some self-help techniques I can use, and these basically boil down to learning, changing, and doing. To recover from chronic low self-esteem is basically making oneself do good stuff:
- I need to take good care of myself. Stay sober, eat well, avoid excesses, (too much coffee for example), get plenty of sleep, fresh air, and exercise.
- Stop comparing myself with others, and with things that happened in the past. I can’t fix the past.
- Learn how to say ‘No’ I can be a people-pleaser at times.
- Forgive my stupid mistakes. Instead focus on my abilities, skills, and accomplishments.
- Avoid and ignore negative feelings, thoughts, places, people, and things.
Sounds easy. I bet. If it was easy there wouldn’t be such a huge range of organisations, therapies, and medication to help one deal with, and recover from a poor sense of self, low self-esteem, and social isolation.
I will let you know what happens next.