every day is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again
Yesterday I fouled up again. I wrote a post called It’s Too Bad That Love Is Blind, which was both a bit negative and quite misogynistic, and that is not the way I generally feel about the world these days. I guess I was having a bad time yesterday. You may already be aware that I have some very bad interludes in my quest to be a very cool guy living a really great life.
For years I suffered from an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) ~ which really fucks up your life. Now I have had a proper diagnosis, but have still had no treatment for this malady. To a large extent that’s OK, I can walk a long way down the road to recovery using self-directed therapy, which actually means buggering-on and doing the best I can to do things that will help me to get better. With the help of two very close friends I am much, much healthier in body, mind, and spirit than I used to be.
And wouldn’t you know that both of those very close friends are very remarkable women.
I quite firmly believe that without their help I wouldn’t be here today. Some 10% of suffers of BPD commit suicide, (which is about 1,000 times more than in the average population), but far more succumb to accidents, alcohol and drug abuse, and general ill health caused by a poor diet and bad personal care. A couple of years or so ago, before I was on the road to recovery, I managed to contract pleurisy, double pneumonia, and somewhere in there I also broke 5 ribs, (and I have no idea how that happened). I believe I would have died without the help of those remarkable women.
One of the symptoms of BPD is extreme and rapid mood swings, and in my case my emotions veer between happiness and anger, (poor labels but they’re the best I have). The extreme and uncontrollable emotions I suffer today are nowhere near as extreme and uncontrollable as they used to be, and the negative episodes are fewer and father between. Yet, sometimes there are days I am so angry I could cry, for no good reason whatsoever. I guess yesterday was one of those days.
The tears I cry are just as wet and painful as anyone else’s, and the emotions I feel are real. However, these feelings occur for no good reason except that somewhere in my childhood Borderline Personality Disorder was hard-wired into my mind.
Some say that crying is cathartic. And that there is nothing wrong with a grown man shedding a few tears. All I know is that almost unbearable mental anguish will have my crying tears of frustration. I also know that tomorrow will be a new day.
after all, tomorrow is another day
when I discover who I am, I’ll be free of this misery
The better we know ourselves, the better can be our relationship with the rest of the cosmos. However, self-awareness, knowing who and what I am, comes to me with only the greatest difficulty. I suffer from a severe mental malady called Borderline Personality Disorder, and one of the principal symptoms of BPD is a markedly unstable self-image and little sense of self. Basically, I don’t know who I am ~ I have little Kinship of Spirit with myself. I empathise far more easily with others than I do with my own ego and subconsciousness.
Each and every moment I need to remember that I am an extremely emotional being and that I can be caught up in the surging chaos of my innermost feelings, whether they be positive or negative. Deep within me there is a pit of boiling black resentments from the past that hasn’t been reconciled with the dreams I hold today. To have true kinship of spirit with anyone, especially with myself, I need to find a way to clear up all the evil crap and demons that can still haunt me with the slightest provocation. That or my heart and soul will surely break.
A little while ago I resolved that I would put in the hard work to achieve some better quality of life ~ to do whatever it takes to recover from the personality disorder I suffer from. And now that hard work is beginning to bear fruit. Most of the time I enjoy positive feelings in both my head and my heart ~ it’s a delicate balance that helps me to be conscious of myself and also see the bigger picture of my relationships with others and the world as a whole.
When I am functioning with balance in my heart and mind, body and spirit, am no longer critical nor judgmental. It’s then that I am free and can observe the world in a clear bright light. Because I operate in a world of opposites, of psychological splitting, I go to extremes. When I am not filled with darkly angry negativity, I need to be wary of not going to the other extreme and being overtly idealistic over relationships and my perceptions of other people, especially those I care for. I can easily put others before my own wants, needs, and desires ~ I can and will put a Lady on a pedestal.
The people in my life, from my past, present, and into the future, all play a part in how I perceive myself, what enjoyment, pleasure, and pain, I gain from my life and also what I attract into my path. I need to cherish them as much as I care for myself.
Some say that it’s a dog eat dog world, and you should take whatever you can whenever you can. And that other people only matter insofar as they are useful to you. All I know is that I have faith in myself and in the future.
eventually the sun will rise again
the cycles of the seasons mirror the cycles of our lives
The quotation above is from the Wiccan Wheel of the Year, which explains a little of what the autumnal festival of Mabon means. One of the three harvest festivals, Mabon takes place at the Autumnal Equinox, about September 23rd, when night and day are of equal length. Right now the year is in balance, and maybe by coincidence, I am beginning to bring some measure of balance into my Life.
As with every living creature, the cycles of my life mirror the cycles of the seasons, and at this equinox it’s a time for me to reflect, to wrap up the imbalances and the demons that have tormented me in the past, to rest and ready myself to soon begin again. In the past my life has been ruled by inner demons which were probably inculcated in me before I was seven years of age. Those inner demons tormented and tortured me, and my pain spilled over to hurt those I cared for the most.
As the years go by, and all through the changes life brought to me, I have never stopped trying to free myself of the man I was, the man I never wanted to be. I was that guy that, no matter how hard he tries and no matter how often he succeeds, sooner or later fucks it all up in a really big way. And along the way I could be an angry, cruel, abusive, generous, impulsive, inventive, jealous, judgmental, manipulative, perfectionist, successful and very intelligent drunk.
BPD can do that to you.
No one with even the slightest ounce of honest humanity would want to live like that. Even though the Borderline Personality Disorder I suffer from is classified as a severe mental illness, I always had enough sanity to know that I could and should be a much better man than I was. But here’s the thing, BPD is very often misdiagnosed, and even if your doctor, psychiatrist, and therapist know that you have Borderline Personality Disorder, they most often are unable to treat you properly and effectively. This is because effective therapy for BPD takes at least a year and more likely three, and therapists qualified and willing to take on cases like mine are few and far between.
Therefore, I have resolved to treat myself, as best as I can. I have learned that this is called Self Directed Therapy, and that it’s a real and medically recognised technique. I can be my own therapist, my own mental and psychological mechanic ~ and if I’m hard working and diligent I can get good repairs made pretty quickly. It also seems that what I’m trying to deal with is a truly serious mental disorder, I need to be very serious about being my own therapist.
It also seems that Borderline Personality Disorder is almost never a result of a biochemical imbalance, and therefore medication is not only pointless, it’s dangerous. So I can’t just ask my doctor for a prescription. I need to rebalance my being and reorganise my thinking, and it’s going to take the rest of my freaking life.
I am learning that it’s not how I feel that matters, it’s what I do. How I feel does not and cannot matter to anyone but me ~ my feelings are chaotic, and often negatively destructive. What matters is how I react to my feelings, and how I act towards the people around me.
dark and light in perfect equilibrium