one second I’m perfectly fine, the next I can explode like a volcano
I suffer from a serious mental illness, and there is no cure.
The major symptoms I suffer from are;
- I have a great fear that the people I care for will abandon me and hurt me.
- I suffer from very intense emotions, and mood swings.
- I am an all or nothing, black and white person.
- I do not have a strong sense of self, (and I have no idea what that means).
- I find it extremely hard to make and keep stable relationships.
- I have hurt the people around me.
- I act impulsively and some of the things I do are dangerous.
- I am the original ‘angry man’.
- I suffer from Retroactive Jealousy
- I suffer from disassociation ~ sometimes people, places, and things don’t seem quite real to me. This also means I can suffer from amnesia and false memories.
- I have ‘attempted suicide’ as a cry for help.
- To escape the pain of my symptoms I can drink far too much.
There is no cure for this illness, but with intensive therapy over I long period I could recover. Snag is that the only therapy I’m getting is the therapy I give myself from books and the internet. It’s called self-directed therapy, and it’s the most painful thing I have ever done in my life.
It’s a long and rocky road indeed.
when I discover who I am, I’ll be free of this misery
The better we know ourselves, the better can be our relationship with the rest of the cosmos. However, self-awareness, knowing who and what I am, comes to me with only the greatest difficulty. I suffer from a severe mental malady called Borderline Personality Disorder, and one of the principal symptoms of BPD is a markedly unstable self-image and little sense of self. Basically, I don’t know who I am ~ I have little Kinship of Spirit with myself. I empathise far more easily with others than I do with my own ego and subconsciousness.
Each and every moment I need to remember that I am an extremely emotional being and that I can be caught up in the surging chaos of my innermost feelings, whether they be positive or negative. Deep within me there is a pit of boiling black resentments from the past that hasn’t been reconciled with the dreams I hold today. To have true kinship of spirit with anyone, especially with myself, I need to find a way to clear up all the evil crap and demons that can still haunt me with the slightest provocation. That or my heart and soul will surely break.
A little while ago I resolved that I would put in the hard work to achieve some better quality of life ~ to do whatever it takes to recover from the personality disorder I suffer from. And now that hard work is beginning to bear fruit. Most of the time I enjoy positive feelings in both my head and my heart ~ it’s a delicate balance that helps me to be conscious of myself and also see the bigger picture of my relationships with others and the world as a whole.
When I am functioning with balance in my heart and mind, body and spirit, am no longer critical nor judgmental. It’s then that I am free and can observe the world in a clear bright light. Because I operate in a world of opposites, of psychological splitting, I go to extremes. When I am not filled with darkly angry negativity, I need to be wary of not going to the other extreme and being overtly idealistic over relationships and my perceptions of other people, especially those I care for. I can easily put others before my own wants, needs, and desires ~ I can and will put a Lady on a pedestal.
The people in my life, from my past, present, and into the future, all play a part in how I perceive myself, what enjoyment, pleasure, and pain, I gain from my life and also what I attract into my path. I need to cherish them as much as I care for myself.
Some say that it’s a dog eat dog world, and you should take whatever you can whenever you can. And that other people only matter insofar as they are useful to you. All I know is that I have faith in myself and in the future.
eventually the sun will rise again
all journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware
It has often struck me that a lot of people go through life blissfully unaware of the mysteries, adventures, and excitement going on all around them. Most people seem to live the same day, the same week, the same month, over and over again. They get up at more or less the same time every weekday, spend too long over exactly the same morning routine, travel the same way to work, and arrive late all the time. They lunch with the same people at the same places, leave work at the same time every evening, and do the same things between work and home that they did on the same day last week. And, their actual working day is most likely stultifyingly tedious. They even take vacations and attend conferences and retreats with the same people they did last year.
That isn’t living, that’s barely existing. What’s worse is that these bored and boring people will get sick a lot, suffer from mental illnesses like depression, and die before their allotted time.
Some people attempt to break away from the mind-numbing drudgery of their pointless lives through booze, drugs, gambling, petty crime, or casual sex. Personally, I tried a couple of those self-destructive diversions ~ before I knew better and began to concentrate on becoming a real man, a superior man to that which I was before.
The better person, the superior man, needs to be self-aware, self-controlled, self-disciplined, and self-confident. In addition, to fulfill our true potential, we need to become aware of just what is going on around us. We need to open our eyes and take notice of the world. Especially we need to understand what’s going on with the people we meet. If you are genuinely interested in someone they are far more likely to be friendly to you, and perhaps become your friend, than if you hardly give them a second glance.
I have no sympathy for guys who bemoan the fact that they can’t seem to meet girls, inevitably it’s for two reasons. #1 they walk around with their eyes wide closed, taking no interest at all in the female of the species, except to ogle them. #2 they never look at themselves critically in a mirror, taking no interest in themselves.
A real man, the better man, knows exactly what’s going on around him; from how every woman and more interesting guy he knows is feeling today, to what’s important in the news, to the impact and impression he is creating with everyone he meets. A better man always has his eyes and ears open.
Being self-aware, being aware of the people around you, knowing just what is going on in your world, is an important step on the road to self-confidence. With self-confidence comes the ability to change your life from the grey drudgery you currently inhabit, to the bright, sunlit uplands of excitement, adventure, and really cool things.
Some say that it’s better to travel hopefully than to arrive. And that it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. All I know is that seeing things change for the better is awesome.
some women have very nice eyes, both wide open and closed wide shut
Putting your happiness in the hands of others is a short road to misery
Far too many men beat their brains out trying to change the world so that things are the way they want them to be. In particular far too many men try to get a particular woman to love them, like them, want them, fuck them ~ and one thing men should learn is that you can never, ever, get a woman to do anything she doesn’t already want to do. If a particular woman friend of yours is just a friend, then that’s probably what she is always going to be, and the chances of you getting her to be anything else are exactly zero.
Men should stop worrying about things they cannot control. It’s a total and utter waste of energy, effort, and probably money. Men should focus their energies, effort, and cash on things they can influence ~ and they should learn what it is they can change, and what they have absolutely no control over. It’s astonishing how much time guys spend trying to change what they cannot change, and they then waste more time complaining about their woes, probably over a drink or two.
The answer is obvious, guys should simply focus on what is under their control and influence.
It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there’s nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilised. ~ Wayne Dyer
Deciding what is, and what is not controllable is difficult. Harder still when you have strong feelings about what isn’t happening to your liking. Even harder when a woman is involved. But, do guys really want to waste their precious time focusing on the wrong things? Trying to change something, or someone you have no influence over whatsoever is a long downhill road to unhappiness.
The big problem is that to decide what you can and cannot do means first of all taking a long, hard, and honest look at yourself. Few guys want to go there. But, if you want to be happy then first of all start with yourself. If you can’t get a date, stop complaining about it and take a look in the mirror. Almost every single man on this planet can improve his look, his manners, his conversation, and his charm.
True happiness comes first of all from within. Change yourself for the better and the world will change around you.
Some say that they just never get a break. And that if only people would do what I wanted, then I could be happy. All I know is that I’ve stopped worrying about things I cannot control.
real men have the courage to take a long, hard, and honest look at themselves
The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.
I’m in trouble, my soul is in distress, and it’s only bravado that’s keeping me sane and sober.
Every day is a winding road, and we can never know what the end of the day and the end of the road will bring. The future and the destination are both uncertain, and sometimes all a man can do is to keep on going on. And, it seems to me that the real man doesn’t give up, just because the going gets really tough. As Churchill said sometimes we just have to ‘keep buggering on…..’
My past few years have had lots of ups and downs, but it seems that today I have really hit rock bottom, and there is no booze involved ~ I am stone cold sober. In fact I have passed through sobriety to the desolate slough of despond that lies beyond. Taking a drink would only solve the problem in so far as it would help me to forget my worries for a while. In reality, taking a drink would compound and multiply my real and perceived problems ~ and that’s not a good plan.
For a while I’ve been working towards being a better man, more worthy on body, mind, and spirit But, worthy for whom? It seems that I’ve been striving to be better every day, not just for myself, but also for someone I cared for. Trying to be the better guy for someone else is incredibly false, and it set me up for a fall. Your Goddess will never be perfect, and that presupposes that your ideal of perfection has some ultimate truth.
So, from now on I will still go on quietly working to be the superior man; in body, mind, spirit, and achievements. However, from now on I shall be doing this for myself, and never again to please another. No more lists, no more plans, just living each day to the fullest.
The strong are considered weak, and the weak are considered strong, that’s the way of the world, but it’s not the way of the spirit.
Some say that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. And that real character is to live each day as if it was your last. All I know is that I don’t want to live another day feeling like this.
don’t make a list
do something real instead
Don’t practice until you get it right; practice until you can’t get it wrong.
Most of the time we do what we do without even thinking about it ~ and maybe the best example is driving. We get in the car, turn on the engine, buckle up, put it in gear, and head out into traffic, towards our destination ~ and the whole process is automatic. It wasn’t always like that. When we were first learning to drive we consciously thought about every movement of our hands, feet, eyes….. However, once we could actually drive, had our licence and everything, the process of driving was handed over to our subconscious mind ~ we drive without conscious thought.
In fact, 95% of everything we do we do automatically, without conscious thought, relying on our subconscious mind to run our lives. Living consciously, living mindfully, is actually an effort. Our subconscious mind is far more powerful than our consciousness will ever be.
The snag is, all our subconscious mind is made up of is a set of programs, and when we drive we play the ‘driving program’. If we can play a sport well; say golf, then when we hit a golf ball we are using the ‘golf program’. And, if we are addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, casual sex, then when we engage in those self-destructive activities we are merely using the automatic ‘alcoholic / addict / gambler program’. Remember 95% of everything we do is controlled by our subconscious mind which is merely using a set of pre-programmed routines.
The bigger snag is that most of the programs in our subconsciousness were put there before we were about seven years of age ~ some of them while we were still in the womb. The young mind is like a sponge, it will soak up everything, without having the ability to differentiate between good, bad, and useless. This is why we often act like our parents, older siblings, teachers, and other carers ~ no matter if that’s good, bad, or useless.
The adult mind is not like a sponge ~ it’s more like a fortress. To get a new belief in there is incredibly difficult. I have a drink problem. Consciously I can easily stay away from booze, but when my subconscious mind is in control I want to get blasted. And, it’s no use my saying to myself; ‘stay sober….’ because I’m trying to talk to my subconscious mind ~ and there’s nobody there. My subconsciousness is just a set of programs ~ I may as well try and talk to a bottle of booze.
There are only two ways to connect to my subconscious mind, and both are fairly difficult.
The first is to go back to the childhood mind-state, and in an adult that means entering the Theta State, which only happens naturally twice a day ~ when we are almost asleep at night, and when we are almost awake in the morning. If you know how, then you can use self-hypnosis at those times to connect to your subconscious mind and change the programs in there.
The second way to change the programs in my subconscious mind is through what Dr. Bruce Lipton calls ‘habituation’, which is just a posh way of saying a lot of practice. Remember learning to drive? You did it over and over again until you didn’t ever get it wrong. If you want a new subconscious program, then you have to consciously practice that new program, over and over again until you don’t ever get it wrong.
How long did it take you to really learn to drive? In Europe, where it’s really hard to be a driver, months maybe. Or how long before you got good at your chosen sport? Years maybe.
And they are easy programs. Something complicated like changing a complex subconscious behaviour such as an addiction ~ well it will take a while. Reprogramming yourself isn’t ever going to be easy.
In 12-step programs they have a mantra; ‘fake it to make it’. Try your desired behaviours for a year or so and see what you can really do to change your mind.
just thinking is mostly pointless
we have to get off our arse and do something
If what you’re doing isn’t working, then change what you’re doing.
Time is short, make the most of every day you have.
Sometimes it takes a shock to your system before you realise that things aren’t working. Sometimes you could be aware for years and years that your life just isn’t quite right. As it goes, I’ve had both of those things forcibly tell me that what I’ve been doing, the life I’ve been living, isn’t really working for me, nor anyone else either.
What I want, need, and desire to to lose my feelings of existential dread. To remain calm and grounded in the face of adversity. To be more considerate, more self-aware, and self-reliant. To be less judgemental, and not so angry. To have the strength to defeat my fears and rise up to any challenge. To stop running away from myself, my thoughts and feelings, to stop going crazy and hiding at the bottom of a bottle of booze.
Snag is, to make those deep changes within myself would usually take months or years of counselling, or a good while in a retreat / rehab. I don’t have months or years, and finding a suitable retreat / rehab that would be willing to take me on isn’t a quick fix either.
So, starting from this morning I have built my own programme, and believe you me it is not going to be easy.
- No alcohol and no coffee.
- No bread or anything else made with wheat flour.
- No dairy; milk, cream, cheese, eggs.
- Cut down on sugar and salt. Add more spices such as cinnamon, sage, turmeric…
- Eat a mostly plant-based diet, with no processed foods whatsoever.
- No T.V. except for some motivational speakers on YouTube.
- An hour reading some deep spiritual text every afternoon,
- A 2 hour meditative walk every morning, and 30 minutes or so meditation each afternoon.
- A half-hour of yoga each afternoon.
- Lights out at 22:00 every evening, and wake-up time is 06:00. If I go 3 nights without 8 hours of good sleep then I will take a non-narcotic sleep-aid.
None of that actually gets to the hard point of what this retreat is all about. In meditation I will allow my thoughts and feelings to flow through me, no matter how deep, dark, difficult, perverted, or uncomfortable I will just accept my thoughts and feelings without reacting, taking action, or being judgmental.
This is a weekly programme. Next Sunday I will write a progress report on myself, and probably post it on this blog.
saying ‘Fuck It’ is just running away
The great task in life is to find reality.
We make most mistakes, we suffer the most, and we do the most harm when our thoughts and beliefs differ from reality. It’s when we create stories and assumptions in our own mind which are untrue that we begin on a journey of falsehoods. And, those falsehoods lead to; alcohol abuse, drugs, eating disorders, gambling, heavy smoking, self-harm, casual sex ~ just to find temporary comfort and the illusion that our falsehoods are true. When our beliefs are untrue we can suffer from anxiety and depression, together with a host of other serious mental illnesses such as; Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. The stress of having beliefs which differ from reality causes a raft of physical illnesses, including cardiovascular problems, cancers, diabetes, dementia, and early death.
Yet, there is no such thing as reality.
Reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~ Albert Einstein
It seems that in quantum physics and interpersonal relationships there is no such thing as cause and effect ~ no straight line between the past, through the present, and into the future. Even in very close relationships there are often merely shared perceptions of the world ~ and two people may both share perceptions, thoughts, and beliefs which are untrue. If alcohol, drugs, or mental illness is added into the mix then we get dangerous situations such as physical, verbal, mental abuse and co-dependency.
If your life is going down the shitter, if you are prey to addictions, if you suffer from a mental illness ~ then the chances are that your thoughts and beliefs have seriously differed from reality.
Einstein and other serious thinkers may tell us that reality is merely an illusion, BUT on a day to day basis we have to live in whatever reality surrounds us. That means seeing and accepting reality as it is, and not as we wish it to be. Reality is neutral and impersonal. Reality has no expectations and no beliefs. Reality is the true state of things. There is only one past, present, and future reality ~ it is our own perceptions and beliefs which create an infinity of different versions of the past, the present, and the possible futures.
To find true reality is both very easy and very difficult;
- be totally honest with yourself and others ~ reality is truth
- never take things personally ~ reality is impersonal
- do not make assumptions nor create expectations
Some say that reality is an illusion. And that we are all just simulations living in a matrix. All I know is that when my beliefs differed from reality I got myself into some serious trouble.
to discover your ultimate reality requires a lot of deep thought
It’s never to late to be what you might have been.
Most people would like to change some things about themselves. They may want to be fitter, to lose weight, to be more successful at work, to be more successful with the opposite sex, or maybe just to lose the terrible feeling of dissatisfaction they constantly suffer from. Or it might be worse, some people want to lose their Borderline Personality Disorder, or paranoia or schizophrenia…..
One thing is certain, we can never get what we want by trying to change other people, nor by attempting to alter the way the world works. The only thing we can ever change is ourselves. But, look at the upside, when we change ourselves the whole world and everyone in it changes around us.
Reinventing ourselves into a better looking, cooler, fitter, more effective, more successful, less disturbed person is an essential process if we want to grow and flourish.
Here’s the hard thing. To reinvent yourself into the person you really want to be requires some hard choices. You need to be ready to walk away from aspects of your life in which you may have invested much time, effort, and money; the way you look, the personality you project, your existing career, unsuitable friendships, toxic relationships with the opposite sex, a dead-end marriage, the pub where you get drunk and try to get casual sex with anyone you may meet at the bar…..
Worse than that, you may have to forget and hide some of your past; the alcoholism, drug taking, criminal record, gambling, over-eating, casual sex, heavy smoking…..
Invent yourself and then reinvent yourself….. and reinvent your life because you must; it is your life and its history and the present belong only to you. ~ Charles Bukowski.
To reinvent yourself and have a truly successful life, ask yourself these questions;
- What should I stop doing and thinking?
- What should I start doing, thinking, and being?
- What could and should I do less of?
- What could and should I do more of?
- What could I do, think, and be differently from who I used to be.
Reinventing yourself can be a difficult and lonely path, and it is not a one-shot deal. Truly reinventing yourself is an on-going process you will have to work at, every single day.
Some say they already have everything their heart desires. And there is nothing really wrong with them that a few days sober and clean wouldn’t put right. All I know is that denial is the greatest block to becoming a better person.
Somebody here is going to get into trouble
or maybe they both will.
Walking is the best possible exercise.
Habituate yourself to walk very far. ~ Thomas Jefferson
Climbing stairs is even better for you than walking.
Regular exercise is good for your body, mind, emotions, and spirit. Exercise not only tires you out, which helps you to sleep, it also increases your energy levels during your waking hours. This increased energy helps your body to fight off illness and chronic diseases, such as type 2 diabetes. Getting a good night’s sleep is also vital to the health of your body, mind, and spirit.
Physically, frequent exercise helps to regularise your weight ~ inactivity is a major factor in weight gain and obesity. Your body uses energy in 3 ways; #1 digesting the food you eat; #2 maintaining bodily functions like heartbeat, breathing, and staying upright. #3 Physical activity, like your exercise of choice, or digging ditches, or chopping firewood. Dieting is very bad at helping you to lose weight, a reduced calorie intake lowers your metabolic rate, which delays weight loss. On the other hand, exercise raises your metabolic rate so you use up more calories.
Exercise also helps to build and maintain muscles and bone, because strenuous exercise releases hormones that help your body to absorb amino acids, which will delay muscle wastage in older people. In older women, regular exercise helps prevent the bone wasting disease osteoporosis.
It has been shown to improve your mood and decrease negative feelings of depression, anxiety and stress, as regular exercise increases the productions of the good hormones serotonin and norepinephrine. Exercise also promotes the production of endorphins which help to produce positive feelings and reduce the perception of physical and mental pain.
Exercise also helps to maintain and improve brain function; for a start your hippocampus, the bit of the brain that’s vital to memory, will stop shrinking and begin to grow, which increases mental function in older adults. Regular physical activity also helps to stave off Alzheimer’s and schizophrenia.
Regular exercise means you will look much better, for a start you will begin to lose all that unattractive bloating and belly fat. Your skin will look better because your body will be producing more antioxidants, and you will have better blood flow which delays skin aging. Looking better means that you’re more attractive to the opposite sex. Not only that but being fitter means that your sexual performance will be better, (women will have more and better orgasms if they take a reasonable amount of exercise).
I was in a bureau de change today, talking with the young lady cashier, (teller), about my walking at least 10,000 steps a day. And she said; ‘is all that walking why you look so young?’
yoga is damn good exercise too
and, I can hold the tree position