when all that’s left are the empty promises
the sun was going down on my life
Christmas had come and gone. I couldn’t remember the New Years’s at all, time had slipped from 2019 to 2020 completely unnoticed by me. It was January 7th 2020 and I had been smashed and broken to another low rock bottom. My life was a slow-motion freight train wreck at the end of the line in a place called Hell. My mind was numb and empty, my soul was tortured by demons of my own making, my body was suffering from a lack of food and too much booze. Part of me wanted to die, part of me hoped I would die, and a small part of me entertained dark thoughts of painless suicide. Walking into the cold North Sea would kill me, but that would mean I had to get out of bed, leave the garret, and walk the hundred or so yards to the beach. That was never going to happen.
But something happened. Call it sheer bloody mindedness, call it being protected by a guardian angel, call it the universal unconscious helping me, but I did something positive. It took a while.
First I got myself out of bed, went to the kitchen counter and poured a half-full bottle of vodka down the drain. Thought about coffee, but I knew I’d throw up. Drank some water, threw up.
Bathroom and alcoholic constipation hurts. Stood under the shower in my filthy clothes and stripped naked there, soaped up some. No chance of my risking a wet shave.
Got dry and left the wet towels in the middle of the garret, on the floor, discarded at random.
Combed my hair, got dressed in clean clothes, even clean socks. Looked at the clock, it was just on half-past-six, and I didn’t know if it was morning or evening, nor did I know what day it was.
Collapsed into my armchair, exhausted and shaking. Sat there for a long time staring at the wall, my mind empty, my soul in pain. I could see scuttling things out of the corner of my eye I knew weren’t real, weren’t there at all. Electric shave.
After a long long while I made myself a coffee, felt like throwing up but didn’t. I knew that somewhere out there someone or something was sending me all good wishes.
My thoughts and feelings were being led by demons down a dark road that only led to bad things, so I picked up my tablet as a distraction. Tried to play solitaire, not enough concentration. Instead I read some posts by the very special people I follow. I read a post by Rhapsody Boheme about The Wolf Moon, and the special things that could happen then ~ transformation, renewal, rebirth….. And here, The Wolf Moon was at 19:21 hrs on January 10th, 2020. I resolved to stay sober until then. Before then I would clean the garret, only demons will enter a place that looks like a pig-sty.
At around 19:15 on January 10th I darkened the garret, lit some scented candles, and put some soothing music on the record player.
19:21 on Friday January 20th, 2020 a sense of peace I had not known ever before in my tortured existence, the music playing was The Memory Of Trees by Enya; the simple vocal refrain on that instrumental track is Be Yourself. It was a profound message, and I knew exactly what it meant.
My life hasn’t been the same since. My life is different and better, and improving day by day, hour by hour, and something or someone is still guiding me. If you are suffering as I was, I know that you can have that too. Nobody with even an ounce of goodness in their soul is abandoned forever.
infinity came for me and lifted me up
change your thoughts and beliefs, change your whole life
After The Wolf Moon I took all the negativity, shame, and inferiority my parents had given me and let it all go into the mists of the past. I took all the hurt of my life, the bullying, the failures, the lost loves, the toxic love affairs and let all that go into the mists of the past. And then I took all of those false versions of myself, all of the chimera I had created to cope with life, all of the players I used to deal with different people in different situations and let all of those vanish into the mists of the past too. And what was left was just myself ~ the person I had never been allowed to be, the man I’d never dared to be.
Unless you are an insane sociopath, then each and everyone of us has a subconscious filled with negative, poisonous, unhelpful memories, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. We did not create these demons all on our own, we had a lot of help. Before we were seven years of age our parents, older siblings, aunts, uncles and older cousins, teachers, and every other fucking person in authority we came across planted all of these poisons in our innocent minds. Since then, every negative situation we endured, especially when it comes to love and sex, fed and strengthened those demons. And then the demons ruled our lives.
I can look back now, dispassionately, honestly, openly, and fully recognise what my demons did to my life, how they destroyed everything that could have been good and fine, and led me down a darker road. I did my best to walk the warrior’s path with honour and chivalry, but I was doomed to failure as long as the demons of my past ruled my every thought, belief, behaviours, words, and deeds.
And so I tried to escape the pain through some very impulsive and stupid things, especially I retreated into booze. If life got too hard for me to bear I would get drunk, and I don’t mean just a little bit tipsy, I mean lost weekend drunk. You know what? If you drink a lot then your body, brain, mind, heart, and soul come to expect and need alcohol in your bloodstream ~ which is why alcoholics can almost never, ever get sober. I was in severe danger of drinking myself to death, and I didn’t fucking care.
And then there was The Wolf Moon, a time of renewal, redemption and rebirth, when the very fortunate may just receive some kind of message, and the message I got from my Goddess was Be Yourself.
And that leaves me with a question, just who am I?
my demons are locked away
endings and beginnings, birth and rebirth, change and transformation
It’s been a while since I touched the tarot, and yet today I was moved to take out the deck and draw a card ~ my card for today. I was expecting something from the minor arcana. Completely at random, from 78 cards I drew Death.
The Death card heralds the ending of one phase of life to make way for a new one. It represents major change and transformation. The Death card can release me from people, places, things, thoughts, and beliefs that are no longer useful in my life, but which I have been hanging on to because I feared change, I feared the unknown. Another symbol which goes alongside the Death card is The Phoenix.
Given everything that’s happened to me already in 2020, and in years past, I’m now more than ready to be honest, open, sincere, and caring of myself and others. I am looking forward to taking a new path towards a new distant horizon.
I have been given the opportunity for major growth and learning. I intend to grasp that opportunity with both hands, and all of my heart and soul.
Dawn, the end of night, a new beginning
I was a wolf, and she was my moon.
Here in England the first full moon of 2020 occurs at 19:21 hrs on January 10th, and the January full moon is known as The Wolf Moon. There will also be a full lunar eclipse. Leaving aside the astronomy; at this time I need to be communicative, expressive, honourable, objective, and resourceful. I need to consider my options and opportunities in life. This is the end of a journey that began years ago, a time to release something that up until now I was not ready to let go of, so I also need to look deeply inward..
This full moon I will release any energy, attachments, thoughts, emotions, and relationships that no longer serve my best interests. People, places, and things that have been toxic for me will no longer be part of my life. In time I will set new intentions and develop a different life from that which has gone before.
I release all the things from my past that have caused my negative attachments. I prepare and welcome new changes, new lessons, and new adventures. I welcome new opportunities to grow physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Some say there are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. And that only a true wolf will fall in love with the moon. All I know is that just because I’m on a different path, it doesn’t mean I’m lost.
it’s time for me to take a hard look at relationships
(Funny how things work out. Until I read Rhapsody Boheme’s blog today I didn’t even know there was a full moon tonight. And yet, if you have been reading my blog over the past few days you will know that the spiritual significance of this Wolf Moon is exactly where I am in my life’s journey.)
you can’t pour from an empty glass
Especially in recent weeks, and perhaps for years before that, I have been sick; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Over the Holidays I was so ill it almost killed me. The proximate cause of my illness was drinking to much, and that also meant that I didn’t eat, nor did I sleep. It was so bad that a few days ago I hit rock bottom ~ where I didn’t care if I lived or died.
I have recovered from that nadir of my unhappy existence. Recovered enough that I know I don’t ever want to go there again. I want to life a different life from where I’ve ever been before, I want to live a better life ~ even though I’m not yet certain what any of that means.
However, I believe I know how I got there; I was looking to other people to create my happiness for me. Mostly I was looking for a woman to make me happy. That can never work, putting your happiness in the hands of another is a certain road to misery. It just means that you don’t live your own life at all.
When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you aren’t saying ‘no’ to yourself. ~ Paulo Coehio
I’ve been very guilty of saying ‘yes’ when I should have said ‘no’. Amazingly I know exactly why all that happened to me, maternal neglect can do that to a child, especially if he’s spent the first weeks of his life isolated in an hospital incubator.
What I need to do is to first take good care of myself. Look after my body, mind, emotions, and spirit before I do anything else. Put myself first. Look after #1.
Obviously I’m not yet certain how I’m going to do that, and I’m not going to explore the internet looking for solutions. From now on everything I do will come from within.
My first thoughts are; stay sober, eat and drink well, take the right supplements, get plenty of fresh air and exercise….. (fresh air and exercise in the North of England in winter?) But that just looks after my body. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually all I can think of is to give myself time to heal, avoid conflicts, avoid dysfunctional emotional entanglements, stay away from toxic women…..
You can tell me if you think I’m wrong, or if you have better ideas.
Some say that loving yourself is selfish vanity. And that loving the wrong woman is the most exquisite form of self-destruction. All I know is that a wound only gets worse if it’s treated with neglect.
too much of this stuff will kill you
let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around us in mindfulness
The dawn of a new life
Now that I am recovering from the illness which I suffered over the Holidays my mind is beginning to work again. That is both a good and a bad thing. It’s good because existing in a depressive semi-vegetative state is not living at all. It’s bad because my demons are coming out of the darkness deep inside my mind to torment me again.
I’m not going to let that happen. This the the dawn of a different life for me, not the beginning of another dark night.
I am not going to dwell on the past, nor regret anything that happened there. I am not going to think much about the future, nor be afraid of anything that might happen in that far-off country. Rather I will be mindful of today. I will use today to begin to discover my own inner nature.
A spiritual journey is to uncover my own inner nature. It’s already there. ~ Billy Corgan.
I have realised that I need to discover who I really am, and what I can do to become the better man. The only person I need to measure myself against is who I am today, and then be a better man tomorrow.
It’s a new dawn. Please be optimistic for me.
A new dawn for me
one second I’m perfectly fine, the next I can explode like a volcano
I suffer from a serious mental illness, and there is no cure.
The major symptoms I suffer from are;
- I have a great fear that the people I care for will abandon me and hurt me.
- I suffer from very intense emotions, and mood swings.
- I am an all or nothing, black and white person.
- I do not have a strong sense of self, (and I have no idea what that means).
- I find it extremely hard to make and keep stable relationships.
- I have hurt the people around me.
- I act impulsively and some of the things I do are dangerous.
- I am the original ‘angry man’.
- I suffer from Retroactive Jealousy
- I suffer from disassociation ~ sometimes people, places, and things don’t seem quite real to me. This also means I can suffer from amnesia and false memories.
- I have ‘attempted suicide’ as a cry for help.
- To escape the pain of my symptoms I can drink far too much.
There is no cure for this illness, but with intensive therapy over I long period I could recover. Snag is that the only therapy I’m getting is the therapy I give myself from books and the internet. It’s called self-directed therapy, and it’s the most painful thing I have ever done in my life.
It’s a long and rocky road indeed.
when I discover who I am, I’ll be free of this misery
The better we know ourselves, the better can be our relationship with the rest of the cosmos. However, self-awareness, knowing who and what I am, comes to me with only the greatest difficulty. I suffer from a severe mental malady called Borderline Personality Disorder, and one of the principal symptoms of BPD is a markedly unstable self-image and little sense of self. Basically, I don’t know who I am ~ I have little Kinship of Spirit with myself. I empathise far more easily with others than I do with my own ego and subconsciousness.
Each and every moment I need to remember that I am an extremely emotional being and that I can be caught up in the surging chaos of my innermost feelings, whether they be positive or negative. Deep within me there is a pit of boiling black resentments from the past that hasn’t been reconciled with the dreams I hold today. To have true kinship of spirit with anyone, especially with myself, I need to find a way to clear up all the evil crap and demons that can still haunt me with the slightest provocation. That or my heart and soul will surely break.
A little while ago I resolved that I would put in the hard work to achieve some better quality of life ~ to do whatever it takes to recover from the personality disorder I suffer from. And now that hard work is beginning to bear fruit. Most of the time I enjoy positive feelings in both my head and my heart ~ it’s a delicate balance that helps me to be conscious of myself and also see the bigger picture of my relationships with others and the world as a whole.
When I am functioning with balance in my heart and mind, body and spirit, am no longer critical nor judgmental. It’s then that I am free and can observe the world in a clear bright light. Because I operate in a world of opposites, of psychological splitting, I go to extremes. When I am not filled with darkly angry negativity, I need to be wary of not going to the other extreme and being overtly idealistic over relationships and my perceptions of other people, especially those I care for. I can easily put others before my own wants, needs, and desires ~ I can and will put a Lady on a pedestal.
The people in my life, from my past, present, and into the future, all play a part in how I perceive myself, what enjoyment, pleasure, and pain, I gain from my life and also what I attract into my path. I need to cherish them as much as I care for myself.
Some say that it’s a dog eat dog world, and you should take whatever you can whenever you can. And that other people only matter insofar as they are useful to you. All I know is that I have faith in myself and in the future.
eventually the sun will rise again
all journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware
It has often struck me that a lot of people go through life blissfully unaware of the mysteries, adventures, and excitement going on all around them. Most people seem to live the same day, the same week, the same month, over and over again. They get up at more or less the same time every weekday, spend too long over exactly the same morning routine, travel the same way to work, and arrive late all the time. They lunch with the same people at the same places, leave work at the same time every evening, and do the same things between work and home that they did on the same day last week. And, their actual working day is most likely stultifyingly tedious. They even take vacations and attend conferences and retreats with the same people they did last year.
That isn’t living, that’s barely existing. What’s worse is that these bored and boring people will get sick a lot, suffer from mental illnesses like depression, and die before their allotted time.
Some people attempt to break away from the mind-numbing drudgery of their pointless lives through booze, drugs, gambling, petty crime, or casual sex. Personally, I tried a couple of those self-destructive diversions ~ before I knew better and began to concentrate on becoming a real man, a superior man to that which I was before.
The better person, the superior man, needs to be self-aware, self-controlled, self-disciplined, and self-confident. In addition, to fulfill our true potential, we need to become aware of just what is going on around us. We need to open our eyes and take notice of the world. Especially we need to understand what’s going on with the people we meet. If you are genuinely interested in someone they are far more likely to be friendly to you, and perhaps become your friend, than if you hardly give them a second glance.
I have no sympathy for guys who bemoan the fact that they can’t seem to meet girls, inevitably it’s for two reasons. #1 they walk around with their eyes wide closed, taking no interest at all in the female of the species, except to ogle them. #2 they never look at themselves critically in a mirror, taking no interest in themselves.
A real man, the better man, knows exactly what’s going on around him; from how every woman and more interesting guy he knows is feeling today, to what’s important in the news, to the impact and impression he is creating with everyone he meets. A better man always has his eyes and ears open.
Being self-aware, being aware of the people around you, knowing just what is going on in your world, is an important step on the road to self-confidence. With self-confidence comes the ability to change your life from the grey drudgery you currently inhabit, to the bright, sunlit uplands of excitement, adventure, and really cool things.
Some say that it’s better to travel hopefully than to arrive. And that it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. All I know is that seeing things change for the better is awesome.
some women have very nice eyes, both wide open and closed wide shut
Putting your happiness in the hands of others is a short road to misery
Far too many men beat their brains out trying to change the world so that things are the way they want them to be. In particular far too many men try to get a particular woman to love them, like them, want them, fuck them ~ and one thing men should learn is that you can never, ever, get a woman to do anything she doesn’t already want to do. If a particular woman friend of yours is just a friend, then that’s probably what she is always going to be, and the chances of you getting her to be anything else are exactly zero.
Men should stop worrying about things they cannot control. It’s a total and utter waste of energy, effort, and probably money. Men should focus their energies, effort, and cash on things they can influence ~ and they should learn what it is they can change, and what they have absolutely no control over. It’s astonishing how much time guys spend trying to change what they cannot change, and they then waste more time complaining about their woes, probably over a drink or two.
The answer is obvious, guys should simply focus on what is under their control and influence.
It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there’s nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilised. ~ Wayne Dyer
Deciding what is, and what is not controllable is difficult. Harder still when you have strong feelings about what isn’t happening to your liking. Even harder when a woman is involved. But, do guys really want to waste their precious time focusing on the wrong things? Trying to change something, or someone you have no influence over whatsoever is a long downhill road to unhappiness.
The big problem is that to decide what you can and cannot do means first of all taking a long, hard, and honest look at yourself. Few guys want to go there. But, if you want to be happy then first of all start with yourself. If you can’t get a date, stop complaining about it and take a look in the mirror. Almost every single man on this planet can improve his look, his manners, his conversation, and his charm.
True happiness comes first of all from within. Change yourself for the better and the world will change around you.
Some say that they just never get a break. And that if only people would do what I wanted, then I could be happy. All I know is that I’ve stopped worrying about things I cannot control.
real men have the courage to take a long, hard, and honest look at themselves