you can write about everything in life, if you have the courage
And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy of creativity is self-doubt. ~ Sylvia Plath.
The Beatles, probably the best band in the history of the world.
Every secret of a writer’s soul, every experience of his life, every quality of his mind, is written large in his works. ~ Virginia Woolf.
Please listen with enthusiasm.
don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass;
success is born out of discomfort, uncertainty, and risk
When I look back at the times when I have succeeded in life, and believe it or not there have been a few, one thing strikes me as germane ~ I wasn’t sitting in a comfy chair pondering the sharp changes in the price of booze since 1970. Whenever I achieved something important and worthwhile I was uncomfortable, I wasn’t living in the humdrum of my everyday existence, I was operating well outside of my comfort zone.
When we take risks we feel nervous and uncertain, afraid and uncomfortable. If it’s taking risks with our career, leaving a shitty and dysfunctional relationship, going all-in on a game of cards, or trying to run our first half-marathon, our biggest wins are always born out of discomfort, uncertainty, and risks.
Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, and difficulty. ~ Theodore Roosevelt
Usually the more uncomfortable I felt, the greater the risks I took, the harder something was to do, when it was almost impossible, then the bigger the success I achieved, the more self-confident I became, and the greater sense of achievement I felt at the end.
And that’s why true success is so rare, why so few people accomplish anything important, and why so few people ever do anything different ~ most people don’t like effort, pain, and difficulty. Most people don’t even like hard work.
Anytime you try to do something important you will be swimming against the tide. The people around you; family, friends, co-workers, your partner, will all tell you that what you want to do is stupid, impossible, and wrong. The more challenging, unique, and off the wall your project is, the stronger the criticism and negative judgementalism will be. All the people who think they know you will not like you doing something different. You are not only challenging yourself, you are also challenging their cosy little worlds too.
Ignore the critics, the Job’s comforters, the gainsayers, and the judgemental; you get on and do what you want to do to achieve your dreams, have your hearts desires, or just escape the shit life you are living right now.
There will be setbacks, things will go wrong, you will think you have bitten off more than you can chew, you will wonder WTF made to think you could dream the impossible dream, and then make it happen. Ignore all that and just keep on keeping on. It might be hell, but keep on going.
Learn how to be determined, learn how to adapt your plans and schemes to meet changing circumstances, learn how to ignore the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, learn how to be fucking relentless.
Some say that it’s better to stay safe than to take any risks at all. And that it’s all just too difficult, and I want to watch my soaps instead. All I know is that faint heart never won fair lady ~ and you can trust me on that one.
there was a time when Churchill stood alone against the might of Nazi Germany
my wish is to wake up a better person than when I went to bed
We always want what we think we can’t have ~ that’s just human nature. It’s striving to get what we think we can’t have, to dream the impossible dream, to find new experiences and new loves that makes men and women do things like climb Mt. Everest, invent the wheel, put a man on the moon, and besiege Troy for the love of Helen. And every time ordinary people said they were crazy.
If we become a better person we are not only able to take better care of ourselves, we can also take better care of others, especially the people we have feelings for, especially the one we love the most of all.
When you take care of yourself, you’re a better person for others. When you feel good about yourself, you treat others better. ~ Solange Knowles.
Ergo, the first thing you should want to become is a superior version of yourself. Look after yourself, get healthier, fitter, stronger in body, mind, and spirit ~ get control of your emotions, get out in the fresh air and sunshine, get some exercise, read some good books, listen to some uplifting talks on YouTube….. Not only that, take a good hard look at yourself and be brutally honest; are you looking as good as you could? Hair, manicure, clothes, shoes, is your skin as healthy and glowing as it could be, do you smell nice?
What about your finances? Have you got spare cash at the end of the month, or are you continually broke? Are you in a dead-end job that pays peanuts? Do you actually manage your money, balance your cheque book?
And how are your relationships? Are you still madly in love with your partner, or are you in a dysfunctional relationship? Do you like to see your family regularly, or, like me are you totally estranged? Have your friends all turned to strangers?
You know you need to make some changes and rearrange your whole life, and deep down you really know what it is you need to do ~ so do it. You have had enough lessons from life ~ so use them and unfuck your life. You’d think you’d have made some changes by now, so dump the apathy, and be who who really want to be.
And if you don’t know who you want to be, then find yourself your ideal role model, and become them. It does not even have to be a real person; you may want to be India Jones, James Bond, Achilles, Holly Golightly, Ellen Ripley, or Aphrodite ~ don’t just sit there, do something about it ~ act as if you were that person. You will never become your role model, but along the way you will become a superior version of yourself.
Some say that there are going to be some changes around here ~ tomorrow. And that they are just running around in crazy circles like a rat on a wheel. All I know is I hope we find our way someday soon.
don’t all men just love that kind of discourse with a woman they care about?
life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all
look towards the far horizons
Might I suggest that you take some time out to be with yourself, find a time and space where you can be alone with your thoughts, an hour and a place where you will be certain of just a little privacy, and ask yourself some simple questions.
- What do I need?
- What makes me happy?
- What is it in my life that’s making me unhappy?
- What and who am I afraid of, and why is that?
- Where and when do I feel safe and comfortable?
- What is happening to my health, why am I tired all the time?
- When and how can I make some time for myself?
- Who are my friends, and who can I really trust?
- How can I spend more time with my real friends?
- How can I express myself, how do I show the real me to the world?
- How can I connect with the people I love and care about?
- How can I pay all the bills this month, what about the mortgage?
- How do I find the time to do the shopping, and how do I pay for it?
- If I leave, who is going to do everything that needs doing around here?
- How can I ever show my face in that bar, ever again?
Some of these are big important questions, and some may seem more trivial, but if you ask yourself any of these questions, then the answers are very important to you. If you try to look at the big and very important questions first, then you may become discouraged because they are just too difficult to answer. So maybe don’t look for any answers at all just now. Just for now concentrate on the questions, write them down in your journal, or notebook, but for Gods sakes don’t leave your jottings anywhere where anyone else has the slightest chance in Hades of finding them.
If all that seems to difficult, then make the questions simpler, like;
- How do I feel today?
- What excites me?
- Who has captured my heart?
- What I want is…..
- My heart longs for…..
Or perhaps write all this stuff down, and then burn it, and flush the ashes down the toilet to join your failed marriage / relationship / friendship / love / partnership / shitty job.
Only by knowing what it is that we really want, need, and desire ~ and what we don’t want in our life under any circumstances can we move on in any constructive and positive way.
Some say that we have to understand what our needs are, first and foremost. And that if you don’t know what your needs are how can you ever satisfy them. All I know is that the more you are forced to give to others, the more you need to give to yourself.
give yourself a wonderful sunrise,
enjoy the peace of the natural world
when all that’s left are the empty promises
the sun was going down on my life
Christmas had come and gone. I couldn’t remember the New Years’s at all, time had slipped from 2019 to 2020 completely unnoticed by me. It was January 7th 2020 and I had been smashed and broken to another low rock bottom. My life was a slow-motion freight train wreck at the end of the line in a place called Hell. My mind was numb and empty, my soul was tortured by demons of my own making, my body was suffering from a lack of food and too much booze. Part of me wanted to die, part of me hoped I would die, and a small part of me entertained dark thoughts of painless suicide. Walking into the cold North Sea would kill me, but that would mean I had to get out of bed, leave the garret, and walk the hundred or so yards to the beach. That was never going to happen.
But something happened. Call it sheer bloody mindedness, call it being protected by a guardian angel, call it the universal unconscious helping me, but I did something positive. It took a while.
First I got myself out of bed, went to the kitchen counter and poured a half-full bottle of vodka down the drain. Thought about coffee, but I knew I’d throw up. Drank some water, threw up.
Bathroom and alcoholic constipation hurts. Stood under the shower in my filthy clothes and stripped naked there, soaped up some. No chance of my risking a wet shave.
Got dry and left the wet towels in the middle of the garret, on the floor, discarded at random.
Combed my hair, got dressed in clean clothes, even clean socks. Looked at the clock, it was just on half-past-six, and I didn’t know if it was morning or evening, nor did I know what day it was.
Collapsed into my armchair, exhausted and shaking. Sat there for a long time staring at the wall, my mind empty, my soul in pain. I could see scuttling things out of the corner of my eye I knew weren’t real, weren’t there at all. Electric shave.
After a long long while I made myself a coffee, felt like throwing up but didn’t. I knew that somewhere out there someone or something was sending me all good wishes.
My thoughts and feelings were being led by demons down a dark road that only led to bad things, so I picked up my tablet as a distraction. Tried to play solitaire, not enough concentration. Instead I read some posts by the very special people I follow. I read a post by Rhapsody Boheme about The Wolf Moon, and the special things that could happen then ~ transformation, renewal, rebirth….. And here, The Wolf Moon was at 19:21 hrs on January 10th, 2020. I resolved to stay sober until then. Before then I would clean the garret, only demons will enter a place that looks like a pig-sty.
At around 19:15 on January 10th I darkened the garret, lit some scented candles, and put some soothing music on the record player.
19:21 on Friday January 20th, 2020 a sense of peace I had not known ever before in my tortured existence, the music playing was The Memory Of Trees by Enya; the simple vocal refrain on that instrumental track is Be Yourself. It was a profound message, and I knew exactly what it meant.
My life hasn’t been the same since. My life is different and better, and improving day by day, hour by hour, and something or someone is still guiding me. If you are suffering as I was, I know that you can have that too. Nobody with even an ounce of goodness in their soul is abandoned forever.
infinity came for me and lifted me up
change your thoughts and beliefs, change your whole life
After The Wolf Moon I took all the negativity, shame, and inferiority my parents had given me and let it all go into the mists of the past. I took all the hurt of my life, the bullying, the failures, the lost loves, the toxic love affairs and let all that go into the mists of the past. And then I took all of those false versions of myself, all of the chimera I had created to cope with life, all of the players I used to deal with different people in different situations and let all of those vanish into the mists of the past too. And what was left was just myself ~ the person I had never been allowed to be, the man I’d never dared to be.
Unless you are an insane sociopath, then each and everyone of us has a subconscious filled with negative, poisonous, unhelpful memories, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. We did not create these demons all on our own, we had a lot of help. Before we were seven years of age our parents, older siblings, aunts, uncles and older cousins, teachers, and every other fucking person in authority we came across planted all of these poisons in our innocent minds. Since then, every negative situation we endured, especially when it comes to love and sex, fed and strengthened those demons. And then the demons ruled our lives.
I can look back now, dispassionately, honestly, openly, and fully recognise what my demons did to my life, how they destroyed everything that could have been good and fine, and led me down a darker road. I did my best to walk the warrior’s path with honour and chivalry, but I was doomed to failure as long as the demons of my past ruled my every thought, belief, behaviours, words, and deeds.
And so I tried to escape the pain through some very impulsive and stupid things, especially I retreated into booze. If life got too hard for me to bear I would get drunk, and I don’t mean just a little bit tipsy, I mean lost weekend drunk. You know what? If you drink a lot then your body, brain, mind, heart, and soul come to expect and need alcohol in your bloodstream ~ which is why alcoholics can almost never, ever get sober. I was in severe danger of drinking myself to death, and I didn’t fucking care.
And then there was The Wolf Moon, a time of renewal, redemption and rebirth, when the very fortunate may just receive some kind of message, and the message I got from my Goddess was Be Yourself.
And that leaves me with a question, just who am I?
my demons are locked away
endings and beginnings, birth and rebirth, change and transformation
It’s been a while since I touched the tarot, and yet today I was moved to take out the deck and draw a card ~ my card for today. I was expecting something from the minor arcana. Completely at random, from 78 cards I drew Death.
The Death card heralds the ending of one phase of life to make way for a new one. It represents major change and transformation. The Death card can release me from people, places, things, thoughts, and beliefs that are no longer useful in my life, but which I have been hanging on to because I feared change, I feared the unknown. Another symbol which goes alongside the Death card is The Phoenix.
Given everything that’s happened to me already in 2020, and in years past, I’m now more than ready to be honest, open, sincere, and caring of myself and others. I am looking forward to taking a new path towards a new distant horizon.
I have been given the opportunity for major growth and learning. I intend to grasp that opportunity with both hands, and all of my heart and soul.
Dawn, the end of night, a new beginning
I was a wolf, and she was my moon.
Here in England the first full moon of 2020 occurs at 19:21 hrs on January 10th, and the January full moon is known as The Wolf Moon. There will also be a full lunar eclipse. Leaving aside the astronomy; at this time I need to be communicative, expressive, honourable, objective, and resourceful. I need to consider my options and opportunities in life. This is the end of a journey that began years ago, a time to release something that up until now I was not ready to let go of, so I also need to look deeply inward..
This full moon I will release any energy, attachments, thoughts, emotions, and relationships that no longer serve my best interests. People, places, and things that have been toxic for me will no longer be part of my life. In time I will set new intentions and develop a different life from that which has gone before.
I release all the things from my past that have caused my negative attachments. I prepare and welcome new changes, new lessons, and new adventures. I welcome new opportunities to grow physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Some say there are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. And that only a true wolf will fall in love with the moon. All I know is that just because I’m on a different path, it doesn’t mean I’m lost.
it’s time for me to take a hard look at relationships
(Funny how things work out. Until I read Rhapsody Boheme’s blog today I didn’t even know there was a full moon tonight. And yet, if you have been reading my blog over the past few days you will know that the spiritual significance of this Wolf Moon is exactly where I am in my life’s journey.)
you can’t pour from an empty glass
Especially in recent weeks, and perhaps for years before that, I have been sick; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Over the Holidays I was so ill it almost killed me. The proximate cause of my illness was drinking to much, and that also meant that I didn’t eat, nor did I sleep. It was so bad that a few days ago I hit rock bottom ~ where I didn’t care if I lived or died.
I have recovered from that nadir of my unhappy existence. Recovered enough that I know I don’t ever want to go there again. I want to life a different life from where I’ve ever been before, I want to live a better life ~ even though I’m not yet certain what any of that means.
However, I believe I know how I got there; I was looking to other people to create my happiness for me. Mostly I was looking for a woman to make me happy. That can never work, putting your happiness in the hands of another is a certain road to misery. It just means that you don’t live your own life at all.
When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you aren’t saying ‘no’ to yourself. ~ Paulo Coehio
I’ve been very guilty of saying ‘yes’ when I should have said ‘no’. Amazingly I know exactly why all that happened to me, maternal neglect can do that to a child, especially if he’s spent the first weeks of his life isolated in an hospital incubator.
What I need to do is to first take good care of myself. Look after my body, mind, emotions, and spirit before I do anything else. Put myself first. Look after #1.
Obviously I’m not yet certain how I’m going to do that, and I’m not going to explore the internet looking for solutions. From now on everything I do will come from within.
My first thoughts are; stay sober, eat and drink well, take the right supplements, get plenty of fresh air and exercise….. (fresh air and exercise in the North of England in winter?) But that just looks after my body. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually all I can think of is to give myself time to heal, avoid conflicts, avoid dysfunctional emotional entanglements, stay away from toxic women…..
You can tell me if you think I’m wrong, or if you have better ideas.
Some say that loving yourself is selfish vanity. And that loving the wrong woman is the most exquisite form of self-destruction. All I know is that a wound only gets worse if it’s treated with neglect.
too much of this stuff will kill you
let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around us in mindfulness
The dawn of a new life
Now that I am recovering from the illness which I suffered over the Holidays my mind is beginning to work again. That is both a good and a bad thing. It’s good because existing in a depressive semi-vegetative state is not living at all. It’s bad because my demons are coming out of the darkness deep inside my mind to torment me again.
I’m not going to let that happen. This the the dawn of a different life for me, not the beginning of another dark night.
I am not going to dwell on the past, nor regret anything that happened there. I am not going to think much about the future, nor be afraid of anything that might happen in that far-off country. Rather I will be mindful of today. I will use today to begin to discover my own inner nature.
A spiritual journey is to uncover my own inner nature. It’s already there. ~ Billy Corgan.
I have realised that I need to discover who I really am, and what I can do to become the better man. The only person I need to measure myself against is who I am today, and then be a better man tomorrow.
It’s a new dawn. Please be optimistic for me.
A new dawn for me