Tag Archives: Self-Control

Stress #3 ~ Living with Distress

if you want to conquer the anxiety of life
live in the moment, live in the breath

~

If you are tormented by stress, if distress is making your life a misery, then what is the best way to live with it?  The short answer is don’t.  If the situation you’re in is so stressful it’s making you ill; for example a dysfunctional relationship, or a really shitty job, then just leave, get out take yourself away from the cause of your stress.  If someone else is causing you great distress; for example your ex is stalking you, then do whatever it takes to make them stop, including invoking the full force of the law.  If what you’re doing to yourself is the biggest cause of your stress; for example you are drinking to much, using drugs, gambling, living a promiscuous life…..  the for fucks sake stop.

You may / will need help to stop doing whatever it is you’re doing that’s making you ill with stress ~ start with your doctor, who will want to give you ‘happy pills’ like Prozac. Medication for stress is worse than useless, except as a short-term life preserver.  Most medication your doctor may want to give you for stress will be addictive in it’s own right, and SSRIs like Prozac might make you want to kill yourself.

To live a fairly normal life if you are suffering from severe stress then try some / all of these;

(there isn’t room to fully explain all these here, this is your chance to use your Google skills)

  • Routine.  Have a very solid daily and weekly routine, do the same essential things at the same time every day.  This will take away some of your worries because a lot of the time you can operate on auto-pilot.  Most importantly go to bed at the same time every night, and get up at the same time every morning.
  • Get Enough Good Sleep.  Stress causes sleep problems, and lack of sleep makes you anxious, agitated, impatient, and stressed.  It’s a vicious circle.  You need 6 to 9 hours of good sleep every night.  Don’t use sleep medication, in the long term that’s harmful and addictive.
  • Physical Activity.  Regular physical activity will benefit your physical, mental, and spiritual health.  Fresh air and exercise will alleviate your anxiety, stress, and depression ~ it will also help you to sleep at night.  Try the 10,000 steps a day challenge ~ it helps.
  • Meditation and Mindfulness.  Before you go to bed at night try to meditate for 20 or 30 minutes.  Practicing mindfulness is proven to help relieve stress.
  • Breathing.  There are a lot of controlled breathing / relaxation techniques.  I have something very individual that works for me, kept me alive more than once.
  • Learn Effective Time Management.  If you are constantly running from pillar to post, then no wonder you are stressed.  If you are at everyone else’s beck and call, plagued by interruptions, then no wonder you are stressed.
  • Dietary Supplements.  The chances are you’re not eating well, so the chances are your body is chronically short of vital vitamins and minerals; for example a deficiency of potassium or vitamin K might kill you.

There are innumerable websites that will give you all the information and advice you need on the above topics.

Some say that they’re not really stressed.  And they’re just having a bad day.  All I know is that less stress equals more happiness.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

If you’re in real trouble, sit quietly for a while, empty your mind; and do not do anything stupid.

Building Self-Confidence

If you believe in yourself and feel confident in yourself, you can do just about anything.

acting utterly self-confident

Self-confidence is all about being comfortable and happy with who you are ~ trusting in one’s own abilities, qualities, and judgement.  It’s about being OK with what you are doing and where you are heading.  It’s not about going into a room full of people and wondering if they will like you, its about going into a room full of people and wondering if you like them.  True self-confidence is about being completely at peace with yourself.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which is a clinical condition, and this means I do not know who I am, people scare me for no good reason, and my emotions are all over the place, all the damn time.  It’s very difficult to have true and profound self-confidence when you also suffer from a morbid fear of abandonment.  Borderline Personality disorder is considered the most unstable and deadly of all mental health conditions ~ the death rate from suicide alone among sufferers from BPD is around 10%.

My confidence can be destroyed by minor setbacks, when people criticise me or put me down, or when my personality disorder creates anger, paranoia, jealousy, fear, and a complete inability to sustain a relationship.

Beware of those around you who subtly sow the seeds of doubt.  ~  Wayne G. Trotman

Back in the day, when I was in International Banking, I needed to appear to be totally self-confident ~ and I developed a set of coping mechanisms, techniques, and tricks that allowed me to give the appearance of inner certainty, complete belief in myself, and that I was totally at ease. Basically I was faking it.

However, nobody is perfect.  Nobody has all the answers.  The odd thing is that, because I know exactly what my faults are I can deal with my imperfections.  And, I am so fucking damn smart I know almost all the answers to all the questions.  I should be filled with self-confidence, and I’m not.

So what do I do?  I fake self-confidence ~ and when I fake self-confidence well enough, then I come to feel confident and empowered.  Most people have no idea that I’m putting on an act.  By appearing confident other people are happy to know me, to work with me, to rely upon me, to date me, and to be with me.  As they say in 12-step recovery programs; fake it to make it.

Some say that we don’t know who we are because we don’t believe in ourselves.  And that being a control freak is a weakness, not a strength.  All I know is that true confidence comes from inner peace.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

looking good builds self-confidence

and uses up a lot of time in the gym

Eyes Wide Closed

all journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware

It has often struck me that a lot of people go through life blissfully unaware of the mysteries, adventures, and excitement going on all around them.  Most people seem to live the same day, the same week, the same month, over and over again.  They get up at more or less the same time every weekday, spend too long over exactly the same morning routine, travel the same way to work, and arrive late all the time.  They lunch with the same people at the same places, leave work at the same time every evening, and do the same things between work and home that they did on the same day last week.  And, their actual working day is most likely stultifyingly tedious.  They even take vacations  and attend conferences and retreats with the same people they did last year.

That isn’t living, that’s barely existing.  What’s worse is that these bored and boring people will get sick a lot, suffer from mental illnesses like depression, and die before their allotted time.

Some people attempt to break away from the mind-numbing drudgery of their pointless lives through booze, drugs, gambling, petty crime, or casual sex.  Personally, I tried a couple of those self-destructive diversions ~ before I knew better and began to concentrate on becoming a real man, a superior man to that which I was before.

The better person, the superior man, needs to be self-aware, self-controlled, self-disciplined, and self-confident.  In addition, to fulfill our true potential, we need to become aware of just what is going on around us.  We need to open our eyes and take notice of the world.  Especially we need to understand what’s going on with the people we meet.  If you are genuinely interested in someone they are far more likely to be friendly to you, and perhaps become your friend, than if you hardly give them a second glance.

I have no sympathy for guys who bemoan the fact that they can’t seem to meet girls, inevitably it’s for two reasons. #1 they walk around with their eyes wide closed, taking no interest at all in the female of the species, except to ogle them.  #2 they never look at themselves critically in a mirror, taking no interest in themselves.

A real man, the better man, knows exactly what’s going on around him; from how every woman and more interesting guy he knows is feeling today, to what’s important in the news, to the impact and impression he is creating with everyone he meets.  A better man always has his eyes and ears open.

Being self-aware, being aware of the people around you, knowing just what is going on in your world, is an important step on the road to self-confidence.  With self-confidence comes the ability to change your life from the grey drudgery you currently inhabit, to the bright, sunlit uplands of excitement, adventure, and really cool things.

Some say that it’s better to travel hopefully than to arrive.  And that it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.  All I know is that seeing things change for the better is awesome.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

some women have very nice eyes, both wide open and closed wide shut

Reinvent Yourself

It’s never to late to be what you might have been.

~

Most people would like to change some things about themselves.  They may want to be fitter, to lose weight, to be more successful at work, to be more successful with the opposite sex, or maybe just to lose the terrible feeling of dissatisfaction they constantly suffer from.  Or it might be worse, some people want to lose their Borderline Personality Disorder, or paranoia or schizophrenia…..

One thing is certain, we can never get what we want by trying to change other people, nor by attempting to alter the way the world works.  The only thing we can ever change is ourselves.  But, look at the upside, when we change ourselves the whole world and everyone in it changes around us.

Reinventing ourselves into a better looking, cooler, fitter, more effective, more successful, less disturbed person is an essential process if we want to grow and flourish.

Here’s the hard thing.  To reinvent yourself into the person you really want to be requires some hard choices.  You need to be ready to walk away from aspects of your life in which you may have invested much time, effort, and money; the way you look, the personality you project, your existing career, unsuitable friendships, toxic relationships with the opposite sex, a dead-end marriage, the pub where you get drunk and try to get casual sex with anyone you may meet at the bar…..

Worse than that, you may have to forget and hide some of your past; the alcoholism, drug taking, criminal record, gambling, over-eating, casual sex, heavy smoking…..

Invent yourself and then reinvent yourself….. and reinvent your life because you must; it is your life and its history and the present belong only to you.  ~  Charles Bukowski.

To reinvent yourself and have a truly successful life, ask yourself these questions;

  • What should I stop doing and thinking?
  • What should I start doing, thinking, and being?
  • What could and should I do less of?
  • What could and should I do more of?
  • What could I do, think, and be differently from who I used to be.

Reinventing yourself can be a difficult and lonely path, and it is not a one-shot deal.  Truly reinventing yourself is an on-going process you will have to work at, every single day.

Some say they already have everything their heart desires.  And there is nothing really wrong with them that a few days sober and clean wouldn’t put right.  All I know is that denial is the greatest block to becoming a better person.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Somebody here is going to get into trouble

or maybe they both will.

Become a Renaissance Being

The heart and soul of a Renaissance Man is creativity.

Creativity, curiosity, honesty, openness, kindness, understanding ~ these things and honour are what separates a truly superior Renaissance Man from the common herd.  There are a couple of other important attributes a superior man should possess in abundance; confidence and self-control ~ a Renaissance Man does not want, desire, nor need instant gratification to bolster his self-confidence.  The confidence of a Renaissance Man is assured and will brook no criticisms.

part-finished teardrop trailer kit

A superior man is creative and innovative, and creativity means to actually create something, if there is no physical end-product then all you are doing is daydreaming.  Almost everyone can daydream and come up with an idea or two, but few will go on to get those ideas down on paper, make a plan, and go on to create / build / make whatever it is the plan calls for, be it writing a book, creating a work of art, a boat, car, a tiny trailer, a kitchen, bathroom, or even a whole home.  Almost everyone goes no further than having an idea, they never follow through and do something tangible.  They are held back by a lack of confidence in themselves, laziness, fear, and the pressures of coping with a partner, family, friends, and coworkers.  These are excuses, not reasons.

Other reasons for not actually doing something real, for going no further than daydreaming, are; lack of money, time pressures, lack of space, not knowing how to do whatever it is they think they want to do…..  All of these are also just fucking pathetic excuses.  And then there are some other reasons people don’t do creative stuff; they drink too much, smoke too much, smoke pot, do street drugs, take too many unnecessary prescription and over-the-counter medications, gamble, spend too much time looking for cheap sex in bars……

Perhaps to be truly creative you first have to put your life in order.  It’s a fallacy that booze and drugs will help your creativity ~ all those things will do is help you daydream, right up to the point where you pass out.

Creative living and creativity is available to all of us  But how do we energise our creative abilities?

  • Do something, even if it’s just baby steps.  Make a start on your project, even if it’s just writing down your ideas. Get out of your comfort zone.  Pick up whatever tools you need to work on your project, from a hammer, to a brush, to a tablet.
  • Mindfullness.  Be aware of ourselves, be aware of our environment, be in the moment.
  • Fresh air, exercise, sunshine, movement in nature.  Get off your ass and take some physical activity to energise your body.  Most office workers do not move nearly enough during the day, and then they go home, sit on the sofa, and drink some booze in front of the TV.
  • Stop taking yourself too seriously.  Reawaken the inner child.  Be prepared to make mistakes. Be playful.

Some say that serious people don’t have time to waste on being creative.  And, that being mindful is just a ‘new-age’ gimmick.  All I know is that a really cool Renaissance Man creates his own reality.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

get out into nature

Learn Self-Discipline

No person is free who is not master of themselves.

Self-discipline and self-control aren’t easy ~ these admirable character traits are not something we are born with, and usually most people don’t really develop self-discipline and self-control until they are well into adulthood.  Some sad people never learn any real self-discipline and self-control at all.  They are doomed to live meaningless, unfulfilled, unhappy, and unenlightened existences.

The exercise of self-discipline and self-control is difficult and complicated, needing willpower, flexibility, and judgement.  To live fully rewarding lives we must continually be completely honest with ourselves, yet at times withhold the whole truth from others.  To be free of disappointment, pain, and suffering we must assume total responsibility for ourselves and our own actions.  It’s no good breaking our abstinence from alcohol or cigarettes just because some other people seem to having a good time smoking and drinking.  That is just giving the power to control our lives to others whose own judgement is very suspect.

We must also have the self-discipline and self-control to reject responsibility that is not truly ours.  I am not my brother’s keeper, nor are you responsible for what your sister does with her life.

True self-discipline and real self-control means being organised and efficient, living wisely, and living in balance and harmony with yourself and the Cosmos.

A key part of this is the ability to delay gratification ~ don’t always stop at the pub on the way home from work, don’t always get angry when questioned, and don’t always eat that last sandwich even when you are not hungry.  Keep an eye on the future, think about what your actions are going to mean tomorrow, next week, next year.  Do you want to be an angry and overweight alcoholic?  Well, by the sound of it that’s where you’ll be heading if you don’t learn some self-discipline and self-control.

Let hunger sharpen your awareness.  Abstain liquor and frivolous recreation, which dull the mind and weaken the body.  ~  Laura Joh Rowland.

It’s all about replacing bad and self-destructive habits with good habits that will enhance your life in the longer term.  Instead of stopping off at the pub on the way home from work, three or four times a week, go to the gym instead.  You won’t get the immediate buzz of getting drunk, but you will get the long-term buzz of being a fitter, healthier, much better person.

Either I’m lucky, or I have a lot of willpower, because I seem to have more than my share of self-discipline and self-control ~ (and even I self-destruct from time to time).  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t pick up cheap women in bars for meaningless sex.  I’m fit and healthy, I walk at least 5 miles every day, exercise, and I do yoga.  My weight is right where it should be, my blood work is excellent, and my heart is strong.  I don’t go to work at all, and yet I’m wealthy enough to do what I like when I like.

And nobody has ever given me one damn thing. Everything I have I have earned for myself through hard work, self-discipline, and self-control.

The answer is easy.  Stop pissing your life away like a fool, and start really living instead.  Replace your bad and self-destructive habits with good habits that will enhance your life in the longer term.

If I can do it, anyone can.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

%d bloggers like this: