Tag Archives: Retroactive Jealousy

Days of Future’s Past

a shared memory is worth a thousand words

sometimes, silence is golden

Reality is not what we think it is.  People are not who we believe them to be.  Memories are not real, and past only exists in memories.  The future doesn’t yet exist, despite that almost everything we do is directed by what we want the future to be.  And were it not for all that then the present would be very different from the Now we create for ourselves.

Suppose your much loved partner tells you something dark, difficult, and perhaps reprehensible about their past?  The usual reaction, particularly the way men usually react, is to take that thing in your partner’s past and bring it right into the present.  We can get angry and jealous about something that happened before we even knew our supposedly much loved partner.  Retroactive Jealousy is real, powerful, and destructive.  People also get angry with people who hurt their partner in the past, and then because they can’t do anything about that they get angry with their partner instead.  Dragging the past into the present changes the Now, and then most likely goes on to change the future as well.

Conversely we can take our wants, needs, dreams, and desires, which only exist in an infinite number of possible futures, and drag them right into the present to create expectations.  We may have a great relationship with someone, but then we think of the way we want things to be, and create for ourselves a slew of unrealistic expectations.  What we have is what we have.  What we want and desire only exists in the future.  Basing the Now on what might happen in one of an infinite number of possible futures is a recipe for insane unhappiness.

Some ancient cultures believe that the Past, Present, and Future exist and happen all at the same time.  Quantum physics pretty much says that too.  But if we live in the days of future’s past we are going to get very unhappy very quickly.

To avoid being continually angry, jealous, miserable, resentful, and single it’s important to live in the Now.  To do that we have to learn acceptance and understanding.  We have to stop being jealous and judgmental.  We might want to learn about meditation and mindfulness.

Trust me.  I have made every single mistake I’ve talked about above, and then some.

I am very lucky I am not alone and lonely in this Now.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

lonely, unloved, alone

Coping With Retroactive Jealousy

the jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves

~

Retroactive Jealousy is being jealous of your partner’s sexual past.  Sufferers of this sickening disorder can be jealous of things their partner did long before you even met them ~ maybe jealous of things their partner did years ago.  It’s completely insane.  It’s a monster which will grow and grow if you feed it, and it will utterly destroy relationships.  Jealousy of any kind is incredibly destructive, retroactive jealousy even more so.

Jealousy ~ that sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, rage, and humiliation ~ can overtake your mind and threaten your very core.  ~  Helen Fisher.

Generally, sufferers of retroactive jealousy also suffer from some serious underlying mental health problem such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Bipolar Disorder.  Mostly it’s men who suffer from this insane kind of dysfunctional jealousy.

Now it may be that their are things in your partner’s sexual past that you just can’t live with ~ in which case you should just walk away.  However, if you believe that you want to keep seeing your partner, there are some basic tools you can use to cope with your problem;

  • Acknowledge that this is your problem, and not your partner’s.  You need to deal with it on your own.
  • Stop obsessively talking with your partner about their past.  Do not stalk them by looking at their social media.
  • Get clear about your own morals, ethics, and values.  What are you fearful of, and what don’t you understand?
  • Realise that it’s a new world out there, and some of the things which may have been totally unacceptable twenty years ago are commonplace now.
  • Accept that nobody is perfect, and don’t be a hypocrite.
  • Don’t be utterly judgemental and avoid black and white thinking.
  • Realise that you are never, ever, going to be totally happy about your girlfriend’s past, but get yourself into a place where you can live with it.
  • Do not compare yourself with your partner’s past lovers.
  • Don’t go out and get drunk in the mistaken belief that will make you feel better.

The surest route to breeding jealousy is to compare.  Since jealousy comes from feeling less than another, comparisons only fan the fires.  ~  Dorothy Corkille Briggs

Some say that being jealous of your partner’s sexual past is just being hypocritical.  And that if you love someone you should be accepting and understanding of their sexual past.  All I know is that jealousy is a deceptive, tricky, and pernicious emotion ~ it’s all an ego game.

~

 

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

don’t throw away a good relationship

over things that happened in the past

Recovering from Retroactive Jealousy

I get jealous, I get mad, I get curious ~ that’s only because I care

jealousy is always, always, ultimately destructive

Yesterday I posted some stuff about Retroactive Jealousy, which seems to be the most disturbing, counter-intuitive, difficult to comprehend, painful psychological condition anyone could suffer from.  Jealousy drove me to drink and thoughts of suicide.  But, how to get over this life-destroying problem, just how does one recover from jealousy over your partner’s past?

Retroactive Jealousy is a serious mental disorder, which means that your jealousy is not really part of you, it’s your mental illness driving you into painfully insane thoughts and actions.  Your jealousy may not be you, it might be obsessions and compulsions which arise from a medical disease, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

Do not make the mistake of waiting passively for the jealousy, and the insane urges to do something crazy to just go away.  By something crazy I mean getting drunk a lot, stalking your partner’s social media, spying on your partner, committing suicide…..  If you suffer from retroactive jealousy the worst thing you can do is nothing ~ the most important thing is to do something, see a psychiatrist, talk to your sponsor in whatever 12 step group you attend, watch some appropriate podcasts on YouTube, read a useful book ~ Brain Lock might be helpful, as might The Road Less Travelled.  DO NOT ever talk with your partner about this ~ that is the very worst thing you can do, it’s like an alcoholic taking just one more drink, there is no relief to be found there.

Talking with your partner about their past, the past that you suffer crazy jealousies about, is just another way of harming yourself ~ and in any event your partner will probably lie, deny, and minimise what they did in their past.  There is no truth and no recovery to be found in talking things over with your partner.

To recover from retroactive jealousy you have to put in some very hard work.  And the first step is to admit that you have a real and life-destroying problem.  And then you have to consider Desire, Wants, Needs, and Love.

Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness, of hatred, of jealousy, and, most easily of all, the gate of fear.  ~  Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

The accepted prerequisite for anyone to suffer from Retroactive Jealousy is that they must both love and need their partner, or at least firmly believe that they both love and need their partner.  There can be no retroactive jealousy unless you first deeply care about someone.  Ergo, one sure cure for this horrible condition is to stop needing and loving him or her.  Face it, why would you love someone who has done things which hurt you so deeply, perhaps things that disgust you?  That really is counter intuitive, so to stop hurting, just stop loving.

Another way to cure retroactive jealousy is to just walk away ~ leave your partner, never look back, and then completely forget them.  Mark the time you spent with him or her as the biggest mistake of your life, and move on.

Or, put yourself into months and years of really painful therapy.

How am I recovering from Retroactive Jealousy?  I’ve stopped needing.  The truly self-aware and self-reliant man has no neediness.

Some say that real men don’t suffer from jealousy.  And that being jealous only shows up your own inadequacies.  All I know is that the insanity of being jealous of the past almost killed me.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

falling in love with a centerfold is maybe not the best idea a guy could ever have

 

Retroactive Jealousy

The past is not the past, it is never done and gone.

male sexual jealousy is a dragon that will devour your very soul

I only just learned of a condition called Retroactive Jealousy, but it seems as though I’ve suffered from this horrible character defect for much of my life.  Now I know that this is a quite common condition that’s also known as retrospective jealousy and retrograde jealousy.

Retroactive Jealousy is having extremely painful thoughts and morbid curiosity over your partner’s / loved one’s past relationships and / or sexual history ~ especially if they went through a very promiscuous phase involving multiple sexual partners or were deeply in love with another or others.

Retroactive Jealousy can lead you to do crazy things; stalk your partner’s social media, check through all their old photographs, post very negative and attacking things about them on your own social media, hire a private detective, park outside their house night after night…..  All jealousy is utterly insane and crazy.

It seems that jealousy commonly arises not only about events and thoughts that happen in the present, but also about the past ~ even the past long before we met our current partner.

Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.  ~  Havelock Ellis

Both men and women can suffer terribly from retroactive jealousy, but from very different causes.  Men get jealous over their perception of their partner’s sexual history, whereas women get jealous about the other women they believe their partner has been in love with in the past.  And, retroactive jealousy only happens in the presence of love.  If you are just having a one-night-stand, casual sex, regular sex hookups, or a meaningless fling, then retroactive jealousy will not raise its ugly head.  It is only when you begin to really love someone that you might suffer from terrible jealousies about their past.

This is utterly counter-intuitive, because we are conditioned to believe that true love is unconditional, and that we should accept, understand, and cherish our loved one, no matter what.  Sadly, this is not how real life works.  The past will always affect our deepest emotions, and more often than not things that our partner has done in the past will tear us apart.

It would be impossible to estimate how much time and energy we invest in trying to fix, change and deny our emotions ~ especially the ones that shake us at our very core, like hurt, jealousy, loneliness, shame, rage, and grief.  ~  Debbie Ford.

Retroactive Jealousy need not plague you forever, as long as you are prepared to change, as long as you are prepared to put in the hard work ~ but that needs to be the topic of another post.

Some say that you should accept your partner’s past, no matter what it is.  And that a competent and self-confident person should be incapable of jealousy in everything.  All I know is that there are only two choices about retroactive jealousy; #1 fully accept and understand your partner’s past, #2 walk away and don’t look back.

Always remember that your jealousy is your problem not your partners ~ so deal with it.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

if your partner has things like this in her past most men will suffer retroactive jealousy

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