Nobody is perfect, even Shakespeare got his share of criticism.
A very close friend has just told me that I shouldn’t share my negative thoughts and feelings in this blog. She told me that I should always be positive in the things I write. She told me that I shouldn’t share so much of what’s really going on with me. She told me that even when I feel like shit, I shouldn’t write about that.
The things she said didn’t feel like legitimate and constructive criticism. To me, at the time, (a few short minutes ago), it felt like a personal attack. It seemed as though my friend had a hidden agenda, and was ‘getting at me’ about the things I wrote on July 26th, 27th, and 28th when what she really wanted to say was something else all together.
She is entitled to her opinion. And I could be wrong about everything.
But this is my blog, and I was writing about what’s been going on with me. As far as I am concerned I can write whatever I want, as long as it isn’t a personal attack on someone else, it isn’t obscene, and it isn’t unethical.
I think it’s perfectly acceptable for me to say that I hadn’t really been operating at the very top of my game.
You know what? I had been feeling pretty good today, but that conversation with my friend, about me writing posts entitled; Worrying About Life, Feeling very ill, and I have my problems, has put me right back to square one.
So, now I feel like shit again, with a big dollop of annoyance and hurt thrown in.
I guess that I’m now supposed to turn this whole tirade of hurt into something positive. So, I will leave you with this;
Why hoard your troubles? They have no market value, so just throw them away. ~ Ann Schade
That’s pretty positive. And, this is a nice picture.
jack collier email@example.com
If you’re feeling good then nothing else should matter.
Like many who have had an abnormal Fear of Abandonment due to suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, I have been very used to feeling bad. Alcohol abuse, anxiety and depression, anger, low self-esteem, relationship problems, suicidal thoughts, problems trusting anyone, fear, disgust, sadness… In the past I knew all of these bad feelings intimately. My whole world was a pale, dead, dark moon.
The nadir of my misery was on December 11th 2017, when I suffered from mental, psychological, and spiritual distress that was almost unbearable. I felt as though I was having a mental breakdown ~ that my mind was broken and my soul was destroyed. I was physically, mentally, psychologically, and spiritually afraid. I was afraid that I was becoming a lunatic.
That is not a good feeling. But then, I was very used to feeling very bad.
The Christmas and New Year’s holidays came, and things were a little better. Once you have hit your rock bottom, then the only way should be up. It doesn’t work like that. Below your rock bottom is another, lower, more hellish rock bottom.
I know because at the New Year I caught influenza, and I did become a lunatic due to a fever caused by the virus. I don’t quite know what I did during the couple or three weeks I was deathly ill, except that I had strange visions and imaginings. I remembered things that never happened, and I remembered real events, and each memory taught me a lesson. Each memory lifted some evil from my mind and my soul.
Today I feel pretty good. And I’m struggling to cope with feeling good.
They got scared when they started feeling good, just because it was so unfamiliar. Like chronic prisoners facing release from their cells. ~ Lisa Alther.
When you are used to being Mr. Hyde, it’s a struggle to be a good guy. It’s difficult to love and trust when you are used to never trusting anyone. It’s hard to take a chance on people, even with someone you told yourself you cared for, when you never took a chance on anyone, ever. When you are used to feeling disappointment, anger, resentment, suspicion, distrust ~ when you are used to being Mr. Hyde ~ it’s scary to focus only on the good things.
I’m very uncomfortable with good feelings because I am so unused to feeling really, truly, genuinely fine. I wake in the morning and I distrust the fact that I feel good. I am expecting crushing disappointment, sooner or later, because I don’t expect these good feelings to last.
But I’m doing all right today, and step by step things are getting better for me, and for those I care for.
I have a strategy. I know I will have bad thoughts, bad feelings, and a temptation to return to my old ways of misery. I can accept feeling bad, but I no longer have to let feeling bad take over my life again. I can accept the bad thoughts for what they are, my old demons trying to drag me down to another hellish rock bottom. I never need to let that happen again.
Today, tonight, and tomorrow I can focus on feeling good. Feeling bad is a choice I need never make again. In future I will choose to feel good.
Spencer Tracy as Mr. Hyde
My inner child,
It was not your fault that you were taken from your mother and put in an incubator, just after you were born. You were not well when you were a newborn, and they had to put you in an incubator to keep you alive.
I know you loved your nanna, and that she loved you too. It was not your fault that she went away and left you . She was an old lady, and she just died.
It was not your fault that she died. It was not your fault that your parents did not explain that nanna had died. It was not your fault that nobody told you why she had to go away and leave you all alone.
Your parents did not know how to show you their love for you, and that was not your fault either.
I know you felt abandoned and unloved when you were a very young boy, but you were not to blame.
Please let yourself grieve for your nanna, and let her go to heaven to be in peace with the angels. Please forgive your nanna for dying and leaving you. Please accept that she loved you, but now she has gone.
Please forgive yourself, the blame was not yours to take.
Forgive yourself, and live in peace, happiness, and serenity from now on.
All my love,
your older self.
I am an ‘all or nothing man’.
For me, things are either black or white.
Life is either paradise, or living in a garbage can.
It’s never morning or evening, it’s either day or night.
I am either as warm as a loving hug, or as bitter cold as ice.
It makes life hard, difficult, and painful, so why do I go to extremes?
They say it’s Borderline Personality Disorder, well there’s a bloody surprise.
But, I should remember that shit happens, and not take everything so to my heart.
words and pictures by jack collier