Tag Archives: mental illness

When is literary criticism a personal attack?

Nobody is perfect, even Shakespeare got his share of criticism.

A very close friend has just told me that I shouldn’t share my negative thoughts and feelings in this blog.  She told me that I should always be positive in the things I write.  She told me that I shouldn’t share so much of what’s really going on with me.  She told me that even when I feel like shit, I shouldn’t write about that.

The things she said didn’t feel like legitimate and constructive criticism.  To me, at the time, (a few short minutes ago), it felt like a personal attack.  It seemed as though my friend had a hidden agenda, and was ‘getting at me’ about the things I wrote on July 26th, 27th, and 28th when what she really wanted to say was something else all together.

She is entitled to her opinion.  And I could be wrong about everything.

But this is my blog, and I was writing about what’s been going on with me.  As far as I am concerned I can write whatever I want, as long as it isn’t a personal attack on someone else, it isn’t obscene, and it isn’t unethical.

I think it’s perfectly acceptable for me to say that I hadn’t really been operating at the very top of my game.

You know what?  I had been feeling pretty good today, but that conversation with my friend, about me writing posts entitled; Worrying About Life, Feeling very ill, and I have my problems, has put me right back to square one.

So, now I feel like shit again, with a big dollop of annoyance and hurt thrown in.

I guess that I’m now supposed to turn this whole tirade of hurt into something positive.  So, I will leave you with this;

Why hoard your troubles?  They have no market value, so just throw them away.  ~  Ann Schade

That’s pretty positive.  And, this is a nice picture.

~

jack collier             jackcollier7@talktalk.net

The Pointlessness of Medicinal Marijuana

Banning cannabis just makes it even more desirable.

Some say that using cannabis has medicinal benefits.  And that using a little weed never hurt anyone.  All I know is that regularly using cannabis will put you on a slippery slope to misery, degradation, and death.

The US Food and Drug Administration, (FDA), has not approved marijuana for medicinal use, although a large number of doctors and their patients swear by its effectiveness and positive health benefits.  Which is utterly delusional because a placebo is just about as effective as cannabis when it comes to relieving the worst symptoms of most illnesses.   However, people still take medicinal marijuana to obtain relief from the more unpleasant symptoms of their illness ~ and not just to get high.  However, medicinal marijuana will still give you a rush and get you high.

Cannabis in my view is being deliberately oversold as a medication, deliberately so by people whose primary objective is drug legalisation.  Nations should be cautious and should not be seduced by extravagant and unscientific claims by noisy lobbyists.  ~  David Raynes

This inevitable drug rush is because marijuana’s healing properties come from its high cannabidoil (CBD) content and critical levels of medical terpenes, flavonoids, and tetrahydrocannabinol (THC).  CBD, won’t get you high, but THC certainly will.  Actually, there are more than 100 cannabinoids in marijuana ~ doctors and scientists don’t know what effect some of these potent chemicals have on the human brain and body.

Nevertheless, medicinal marijuana does show some slightly positive effects in treating certain psychological problems, and the pain from illness such as degenerative neurological disorders.  Allegedly, medicinal marijuana helps ease pain, nausea and loss of appetite in people with HIV and cancer, and it just might help people with epilepsy or multiple sclerosis.  It’s the CBD and THC that has these beneficial effects.

What THC does is make your brain release dopamine ~ the pleasure chemical, and to be honest, that’s why everyone uses pot, even the people who take it for ‘medicinal’ reasons.  You will get high if you take cannabis for any reason ~ you will feel more relaxed, happier, and probably sleepy.  You may also have hallucinations, delusions, short term memory loss, paranoia ~ and if you have pneumonia or bronchitis those illnesses will suddenly get a lot worse.

Cannabis does more harm than good, even when taken for medical reasons.  New medical guidelines have been issued in Canada, (where cannabis is legal), warning that the negative effects of the weed far outweigh the minor benefits it has for most illnesses.  The Canadian Family Physician journal states that in the few conditions where cannabis is helpful the effects are only marginally better than a placebo.

This Canadian guidance states that there is little evidence that cannabis could help many patients at all, and that the downsides far exceed the potential benefits.

Marijuana very strong stuff, especially the more potent types grown now, and its effects last a very long time.  You will still be suffering from the after-effects of using pot four weeks later.  Pot is addictive, and it’s also a gateway drug to worse things such as cocaine and heroin.

Marijuana is damaging and dangerous.  If you use marijuana a lot you will probably get one or more serious mental illnesses like schizophrenia, anxiety and depression, memory problems, have difficulty with coordination, distortions in your sense of time and space, and have suicidal thoughts.  Your work, social life, and interpersonal relationships will suffer.  You will do risky and stupid things.  To top it off, marijuana damages unborn babies too.

The real reason anyone uses cannabis is to experience the instant gratification of a THC / Dopamine rush.  Anyone who craves instant gratification is immature and nowhere near being a balanced, grown up, grounded, and together person.  They care little about the future, themselves, or anyone else.  They have no real life outside of feeding their own wants, needs, and desires.  They are unlikely to ever get well until they first learn to cure their own need for instant pleasures.  This applies to anyone who demonstrates little self-control.

If you really want to turn into a Mr. Hyde, then smoke pot.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Feeling Good isn’t Good

If you’re feeling good then nothing else should matter.

Like many who have had an abnormal Fear of Abandonment due to suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, I have been very used to feeling bad.  Alcohol abuse, anxiety and depression, anger, low self-esteem, relationship problems, suicidal thoughts, problems trusting anyone, fear, disgust, sadness…  In the past I knew all of these bad feelings intimately.  My whole world was a pale, dead, dark moon.

The nadir of my misery was on December 11th 2017, when I suffered from mental, psychological, and spiritual distress that was almost unbearable.  I felt as though I was having a mental breakdown ~ that my mind was broken and my soul was destroyed. I was physically, mentally, psychologically, and spiritually afraid.  I was afraid that I was becoming a lunatic.

That is not a good feeling.  But then, I was very used to feeling very bad.

The Christmas and New Year’s holidays came, and things were a little better.  Once you have hit your rock bottom, then the only way should be up.  It doesn’t work like that.  Below your rock bottom is another, lower, more hellish rock bottom.

I know because at the New Year I caught influenza, and I did become a lunatic due to a fever caused by the virus.  I don’t quite know what I did during the couple or three weeks I was deathly ill, except that I had strange visions and imaginings.  I remembered things that never happened, and I remembered real events, and each memory taught me a lesson.  Each memory lifted some evil from my mind and my soul.

Today I feel pretty good.  And I’m struggling to cope with feeling good.

They got scared when they started feeling good, just because it was so unfamiliar.  Like chronic prisoners facing release from their cells.  ~  Lisa Alther.

When you are used to being Mr. Hyde, it’s a struggle to be a good guy.  It’s difficult to love and trust when you are used to never trusting anyone.  It’s hard to take a chance on people, even with someone you told yourself you cared for, when you never took a chance on anyone, ever.  When you are used to feeling disappointment, anger, resentment, suspicion, distrust ~ when you are used to being Mr. Hyde ~ it’s scary to focus only on the good things.

I’m very uncomfortable with good feelings because I am so unused to feeling really, truly, genuinely fine.  I wake in the morning and I distrust the fact that I feel good.  I am expecting crushing disappointment, sooner or later, because I don’t expect these good feelings to last.

But I’m doing all right today, and step by step things are getting better for me, and for those I care for.

I have a strategy.  I know I will have bad thoughts, bad feelings, and a temptation to return to my old ways of misery.  I can accept feeling bad, but I no longer have to let feeling bad take over my life again.  I can accept the bad thoughts for what they are, my old demons trying to drag me down to another hellish rock bottom.  I never need to let that happen again.

Today, tonight, and tomorrow I can focus on feeling good.  Feeling bad is a choice I need never make again.  In future I will choose to feel good.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Spencer Tracy as Mr. Hyde

 

Letter to Myself ~ aged four and threequarters

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My inner child,

It was not your fault that you were taken from your mother and put in an incubator, just after you were born.  You were not well when you were a newborn, and they had to put you in an incubator to keep you alive.

I know you loved your nanna, and that she loved you too.  It was not your fault that she went away and left you .  She was an old lady, and she just died.

It was not your fault that she died.  It was not your fault that your parents did not explain that nanna had died.  It was not your fault that nobody told you why she had to go away and leave you all alone.

Your parents did not know how to show you their love for you, and that was not your fault either.

I know you felt abandoned and unloved when you were a very young boy, but you were not to blame.

Please let yourself grieve for your nanna, and let her go to heaven to be in peace with the angels.  Please forgive your nanna for dying and leaving you.  Please accept that she loved you, but now she has gone.

Please forgive yourself, the blame was not yours to take.

Forgive yourself, and live in peace, happiness, and serenity from now on.

All my love,

your older self.

~

P1040484jackcollier7@talktalk.net

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Why do I go to extremes?

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~

I am an ‘all or nothing man’.

For me, things are either black or white.

Life is either paradise, or living in a garbage can.

It’s never morning or evening, it’s either day or night.

I am either as warm as a loving hug, or as bitter cold as ice.

It makes life hard, difficult, and painful, so why do I go to extremes?

They say it’s Borderline Personality Disorder, well there’s a bloody surprise.

But, I should remember that shit happens, and not take everything so to my heart.

~

P1040484words and pictures by jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

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The Curse Of Cannabis

Marijuana use causes mental illness

cannabis1

Some say that cannabis is safe and non-addictive.  And, that using marijuana can ease the pain of many debilitating illnesses.  All I know is that skunk causes schizophrenia.

woman smoking cannabisTwenty-five years ago most doctors would have said there was no link between cannabis use and mental health problems such as schizophrenia.  Now, Professor Sir Robin Murray, (the foremost authority in Britain on the effects of smoking marijuana), has raised some very alarming warnings in a study published in the professional journal The Lancet Psychiatry.

The study concludes that 24 per cent of ‘first episode psychosis’ cases in South London were caused by smoking strong cannabis.  There is a strong link between cannabis use and mental illness

In an experiment for a television documentary, broadcaster and former Member of Parliament Matthew Parris tried ‘skunk’ cannabis.

The effect was stunning ~ and not, (for me), in a good way.  short-term memory went walkabout.  I would forget what I was talking about even when I was talking.  I became shaky.  Time went haywire.

In the same experiment television news presenter Jon Snow said;

By the time I was completely stoned, I felt utterly bereft.  I felt as if my soul had been wrenched from my body….  I would never do it again.

Recent events have shown that the effects of cannabis use may be much, much worse than that.  There is a litany of violent crimes and terrorist attacks where the perpetrators had a history of heavy cannabis use.  One example is the Copenhagen Killer, Omar El-Hussein, who had twice been arrested for cannabis possession.  The recent Paris killers were also known cannabis users, so were the killers of soldier Lee Rigby, and so is the chief suspect in the Boston Marathon bombings of 2013.

obama-selfieYet, it is fashionable among the urban elite both to admit to cannabis use, and to legislate to make this dangerous drug even easier to get.  US President Barack Obama has said that smoking marijuana is no more dangerous than alcohol.  Personally, I trust every word Mr. Obama says, maybe, or maybe not.

I couldn’t make it up.  Using mind-altering chemicals is no way to attain a spiritual life.  I have known two people who committed suicide after smoking marijuana.

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

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