nobody can be right all the time
It takes a lot for me to admit that I just don’t know ~ honestly saying to someone that I don’t have all the answers is difficult for me. Appearing to be less than perfectly in control is an uncomfortable feeling and it takes a lot of guts for me to go there. Admitting that I’m out of my depth, that I’m at a loss, that I haven’t got a clue what to do next, seems to me to show weakness. In the hard-knock schools I was brought up in, to show weakness was to invite ridicule, persecution, bullying. Even in my most senior roles in business, to be weak meant that you went to the wall.
To ask someone else for help, and genuinely mean that I needed help, has never been something that came easily to me. In all of my life I guess the only people I have ever asked for help have been doctors and….. nope, that’s it, doctors.
Well, now I need help, and the only thing I can think of to do is to pray, and sincerely mean my prayers. It’s day 42 of lockdown, and because I was sick before March 23rd this is actually the 48th day I have been in quarantine / self-isolation. I am emotionally and spiritually bereft. I have a serious mental / emotional / relationship problem to deal with, and I’ve got nothing. The well is fucking empty. And me, the guy who can do anything, hasn’t got a clue what to do.
It’s like I’ve been driving in a great car, along a good straight road, through cool countryside by the ocean ~ and suddenly I’m standing there in the desert. Alone. And it’s hot, harsh, brutal, empty, and silent.
Where do I go from here?
I don’t have a clue.
some deserts are pretty
right now mine is just brutal
the infinite elation, pain, and terror of a psychological illness
friendless and nowhere to go but here
About a month ago I was in hospital, and so ill that the nurse said that I looked like a bad advertisement for death. I had lots of scans, tests, and examinations, some treatment, and after a few days I was discharged, supposedly fit and healthy. I believed I was cured of my ills ~ I don’t believe that anymore. I think I’m still very unwell.
Whatever ails me does not seem like a physical illness ~ I’m still meeting my 10,000 steps a day meditative walking target, I’m not sitting in the armchair all day, too knackered to do anything but watch TV, I haven’t taken myself to bed, and I’m not on any medication at all. I don’t think my body is sick, I think it’s my mind.
(I take some of that back, when I comes right down to it I’m physically not that strong.)
I have a very strange set of unmatched symptoms. To begin with there is the red V shaped mark on my forehead. It’s prominent, angry looking, and if you met me it’d be the very first thing you noticed. I’ve had that red V shape appear on my forehead ever since I was a young boy, and it has always been a certain sign that I was pretty poorly.
It’s like having the mark of Cain, and it tells me that in one way or another I’m fucked.
The headache I’ve got now I’ve had for three or four days. Everything I eat tastes like cardboard, (apart from chocolate). And I’m dropping things; keys, books, a full mug of coffee, (that makes a hell of a mess), and this morning while I was doing the laundry I dropped the electric iron. That thing was plugged-in and hot, but I didn’t want it hitting the tiled floor in my kitchen pointy end first, so I caught it before it hit the tiles. How the fuck I had the presence of mind to catch the iron by its power-chord I have no idea, but I did and I didn’t get burned.
Oh, and another thing, I am saying and writing the F word a lot, (and a few other choice cuss words), and that is just not the polite English Gentleman I am usually.
Generally I feel like a young boy who has been sent to see the school headmaster for a dressing-down and some corporal punishment, and that young boy hasn’t a clue what he’s done wrong, or why he’s being punished.
You know what? I think I haven’t been so well lately.
Some say that the sick never truly lose the chaos within. And that a sick thought can devour your being more thoroughly than a fever. All I know is the bravest thing I ever did was continue to live when I wanted to die.
feeling like that lost little boy today
the only way our problems will go away is if we solve them
Most of us, myself included, tend to ignore problems unless and until they step up and smack us in the face. If something bothersome, or a bit irritating, or mildly inconveniencing is going on in our lives it is very much easier to close our eyes and ears and ignore it, rather than deal with yet another piece of crap.
So; the check engine light has come on in our car….. and how many people will just ignore that for days or weeks until the next regular service is due? Or, we are fed up with opening the mail, which is always just bills and junk anyhow, so we stop opening our mail altogether. Or, in my own case, sometimes I would feel so bad that I would get blind drunk for days and days just to escape the emotional pain, rather than work on the causes of my torment.
I can absolutely guarantee that if there is a problem, no matter how slight, then unless we accept that there’s a problem and do something about it, that problem will grow and grow until a minor issue becomes something
fucking extremely serious. In my own case, my getting drunk and insensible was nothing to do with alcoholism, or liking the party life, it was because I have a very serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD). I’d, (sort of), known that for a few years, and so had my doctors, but did anyone actually do anything about it? Hell no. The easiest thing to do was ignore the real problem and get me some easy alcohol counselling instead. Controlled Drinking is an oxymoron.
About 10% of people suffering from BPD commit suicide, which is about a thousand times higher than the norm across the whole population. Booze was never my real problem, Borderline Personality Disorder was.
Same with car problems, the easiest thing to do is ignore them and assume they will all get sorted out at the next annual service….. whenever that is. That check engine light could just be a little electrical fault. Of course some real problems with your car might leave you stranded on the interstate in the middle of the night. Or kill you.
If you notice a small problem, or you’re unhappy about something, then you could just ignore it and assume it will go away of its own accord. And it might. But it’s more likely that in a while a small problem, that would have been so easy to fix back then, has turned into a very serious issue indeed.
I have learned that there are no shortcuts in life. That all the bad things that we feel, all the suffering we go though, and all the shit that happens to us are usually not the real problem ~ rather these are merely the symptoms of some deeper and more serious issue. Unless we put in the hard work, dig deeper until we understand our problems, then every now and again something fucking frightening is going to happen.
smoking and drinking in a bar alone solves no problems, and neither does casual sex
Insomnia turns an earthly paradise into a place of torture.
If you don’t fall asleep within 20 minutes of getting into bed and turning off the lights, if you toss and turn and wake up several times in the night, if you don’t wake up feeling instantly refreshed and ready to hit the ground running, then you are not getting enough good sleep.
Scientific studies show that for good health almost everyone needs 7 or 8 hours of good sleep, every single night of their adult lives. Not getting enough good sleep does really bad things to you.
Just some of the bad effects of lack of sleep are; depression, diabetes, fatigue, heart diseases, heart attack, high blood pressure, poor immune system leading to illness, impulsive behaviours, irritability, paranoia, stroke, suicidal thoughts, and Death.
All of us know exactly that some of the things some of us do from time to time will prevent us from sleeping well at night; not getting enough fresh air and exercise during the day, drinking too much booze, eating late at night, using social media late at night, not going to bed at the same time every night, staying in bed late at weekends, having unresolved issues that prey on our mind, having an untreated mental illness, having our bedroom too warm, too noisy, and not dark enough, being in a dysfunctional relationship, hanging out in bars, casual sex…..
I’ve got a bad case of the 3.00 am guilts ~ you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn’t do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression, paranoia, and self-loathing. ~ D. D. Barant.
Some things that most of us do will disrupt our internal body clock, our circadian rhythm, and prevent us from getting a decent night’s sleep, for night after night after night. Who knew that our internal body clock is so important to good sleep and good health? If you do stuff that
fucks up disrupts your internal body clock, resulting in a lack of good sleep, you will seriously damage your physical, mental, and spiritual health and fitness.
All the things that will help ensure that we will always have a good night’s sleep are so
bleeding obvious that a child of 5, or 6, or 7 already knows them, instinctively.
- Stick to a sleep schedule. Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, including weekends and vacations.
- Get plenty of fresh air and exercise. Get out and walk for an hour a day, (10,000 steps), but not too late in the day.
- Get plenty of sunlight during the day ~ tricky if you live in northern England like me, (or Canada, or Alaska, or Scandinavia…).
- Avoid caffeine later in the day. It’s a stimulant, and the caffeine in a cup of coffee will take about 6 or 8 hours to wear off.
- Do not smoke. Nicotine is a stimulant, smoking affects your breathing, you will get nicotine withdrawal through the night and wake up, you will have nightmares for years after you stop smoking. Smokers never sleep well.
- Booze. Don’t drink to much, especially late at night. A glass of wine / hard booze just before you go to bed will stop you from getting a decent night’s rest. Trust me, people who drink late at night, most nights, are three parts of the
smeggingway to being an alcoholic.
- Do not eat late at night. Don’t eat anything much for a couple of hours before bed-time.
- Don’t take a nap after three in the afternoon.
- Have a relaxing hot bath just before bed-time. Light some candles, play some relaxing music, turn off your racing mind.
- Have a dark bedroom, quiet bedroom, cool bedroom, gadget free bedroom, and no
fuckingblue light from your phone / tablet / computer shining all night.
- Forget all the bad things from the day, especially the ignorant
son of a bitchperson who cut you up on the freeway on your way to work.
- Finally, if you just cannot get to sleep, then don’t just lie in bed fretting. If you really cannot sleep, get up and do something else instead, (but none of the bad things listed above).
One thing that some doctors say will result in a restored sleep cycle and better sleep is using marijuana, pot, cannabis. There are some serious downside risks to the cannabis user, such as; anxiety, breathing problems, poor coordination, damaging a child in the womb, hallucinations, heart attacks, impaired thinking and cognitive functions, nausea, road traffic accidents, smoking anything is a known health risk, suicide, paranoia and schizophrenia, being arrested, losing your job, and Death. All other drugs you can take to help you sleep are worse than marijuana, especially in the longer term. (Anyhow, I would never sleep with anyone who uses drugs. Come to that, I wouldn’t have lunch with a drug user.)
Some say that going without sleep for night after night is dangerous. And, that eventually going without sleep will kill you, after 11 days or so. All I know is that not sleeping is very, very unpleasant.
you may be able to tell that I didn’t sleep well last night
Pretty recently, it was revealed to me that I suffer from an ongoing, severe, and very unnatural Fear of Abandonment. This serious psychological problem most likely goes as far back as the death of my maternal grandmother, when I was about four years of age. I have described something of my own mental health issues in a previous post ~ I hate you, please don’t leave me.
Thirty seconds of pure awareness is a long time, especially after a lifetime of escaping yourself at all costs. ~ Kiera Van Gelder
The psychological illness I suffer from is sometimes known as Borderline Personality Disorder, and it carries with it some major behavioural problems. From time to time over the years I have acted in ways that any normal person would call insane, and while I won’t give specific instances, (the specifics are too painful and involve other people), here is a list of the some of the inappropriate ways I’ve behaved;
- Anger and blaming a friend / loved one, for no real reason.
- Depression, intense and highly changeable to euphoria.
- Impulsiveness and recklessness, particularly regarding money.
- Indifference to the feelings, pain, and suffering of a friend / loved one.
- Isolating myself, not allowing visitors to my place, not going out.
- Jealousy ~ intense and irrational.
- Lying and exaggeration to impress a friend / loved one.
- Obsessive love / inappropriate obsessions.
- Paranoid suspicion and lack of trust of a friend / loved one.
- Refusing appropriate medical treatment.
- Rejecting and pushing away a friend / loved one.
- Self-harm through alcohol abuse and prescription / over-the-counter medication
- Stalking, physically and on-line.
- Suicidal thoughts and not-serious attempts at suicide.
- Written and verbal abuse / attacks involving a friend or loved one.
This is my very personal catalogue of crimes, not copied from a book, and not based on the experiences of anyone else. I am pretty certain I could think of some more instances of my reprehensible lunacy, however that’s already a long list which would put me at the murky end of the personality disorder / character defect scale.
There is some good news. Now that I am aware of the cause of my occasional craziness, I can do something about it. This includes watching myself very carefully to ensure I stop behaving like a crazy fool as soon as the insanity begins, staying totally away from alcohol, and getting the appropriate treatment / counselling.
It’s slightly better than that. I also know, (probably), the life events which created this personality disorder in the first place. Because of that I can grieve, accept myself for who I am, forgive myself, and begin to reach some spiritual serenity.
A crucial element of the real self is its unconditional acceptance of itself. ~ Michael Adzema
The future is out there, all I have to do is want it enough.