you reach the end of day
just wishing you could fly away
from people, places and possessions
but as happens with all commitments
you can find yourself caught in such a trap
you get so used to it you can’t find your way back
just assert yourself and hope they won’t all desert you
you know when you are not yourself every day just hurts
The Parable of the Good Samaritan.
These days I seldom dream. Last night I had a vivid dream reminding me of a moment in my past.
There was a roadside casualty, a girl in the gutter. Obviously I stopped my car, got out to give assistance, and while I was putting the girl in the recovery position someone drove off in my car. Then the girl got up and ran off, and a guy does not chase a woman late at night. All of which was a bummer because I was then stranded on the wrong side of London, late at night, no wallet and no cell. (We call them mobile phones, and my wallet was in my jacket in the damn car.) Just getting back to my place took until mid-morning, and then all the phone calls cancelling cards, contacting my insurance company, telling the office I wouldn’t be in…. And that was a great car, which I never saw again.
That wasn’t the first, or the last time, my being a ‘Good Samaritan’ caused me much grief, pain, and suffering.
From trying to help a drunken woman in the street, to giving my bank details to a charity worker, (bogus), to rescuing a woman who was being hassled by a drunk in a bar, to driving an acquaintance home late at night, to helping out a coworker solve a tricky problem, to not having first date sex with an inebriated woman… Well, the list of ‘nice’ things I’ve done which then caused me much grief goes on, and on, and on.
Too often in my life I have tried to do the right thing, to be the good guy, the man in the white suit ~ and what has it ever got me? Trouble.
Even in close relationships I’ve found, to my cost, that being a genuinely kind, caring, and considerate guy, leads to trouble in the end. Women can and will walk all over a nice guy.
It seems that many people see a good guy as a soft touch, someone that can be trampled underfoot, someone of no real account. A geek, a jerk, a loser.
Well, maybe that’s their loss.
I can retain my ethics and morality, but my dream tells me that I also need to exercise harsh judgement in the people I am prepared to be kind to. There is no more universally nice Jack Collier.
What ever became of the Good Samaritan anyway?
conflicted consequences midnight conversations
capture consciousness with suspicious conflictions
half-held convictions considerations and reflections
untrustworthy late night speculation and impressions
bring brooding concentration by darkest moonshadows
words and pictures by jack collier
Jaguar or Bus?
Valentine’s lovemaking in my sports car
Sweetheart, that was not ever going to be us
I’d never take our first conversation quite so far
but, I’d rather make love in a Jaguar than on a bus.
words and pictures by jack collier
long distance love affair
wondering if she does care
some may even say it isn’t fair
and feelings are too hard to bear
she’s just some chick way over there
all I know is my heart’s going nowhere
a new day has come, and life is in the air
words and pictures by jack collier
The First Full Moon Of 2017.
January 12th 2017, and the full moon is close to us today. Luna isn’t quite at perigee, (the closest she comes to the Earth), that was two days ago on January 10th, so it isn’t quite a supermoon. However tonight’s full moon will be big and bright, perfect for skywatchers, witches, and sorcerers.
It’s likely that the moon was Mankind’s first reliable calendar, the full moon perhaps measuring the months of the year, although any strictly lunar calendar will see the seasons drift. Some say that Stonehenge is also a tool to manage the lunar calendar. And, that the first powerful priests and sorcerers were really astronomers. All I know is that Stonehenge is a spooky and magical place.
The English word moon derives from the Greek and Latin for ‘measure’. Other English names for the Moon, are Luna the ancient Roman Goddess of the Moon, (from which we get the word lunatic), and Selene the ancient Greek Goddess of the Moon, (and Selene is both a given name and an adjective).
The moon affects everything on the Earth, from the behaviour of animals and birds, to our moods, the tides, even women’s menstrual cycles. In witchcraft, the full moon is the most important time for casting spells ~ magic has more potency under a full moon. This is the time for enlightenment and psychic awareness, so if you have any sixth sense or psychic abilities they will be at their strongest tonight. All witches and those with magical and psychic abilities will be acutely aware of the phases of the moon.
In relationships and love the full moon enhances a woman’s sex drive, but this is also a time for a fresh start, forgiveness, acceptance, commitment, and love. This is the perfect day for a witch to cast a spell and work her love magic . Spiritually the full moon is strong, although it’s effects are both negative and positive. Today a vulnerable man may well be moonstruck with love and desire, but he should know that somewhere out there someone has his best interests at heart.
The first full moon of the year is known as The Wolf Moon. This derives from Native American Mythology in which wolves hold a very special place. This is the time of the werewolf ~ the legend of the werewolf goes at least as far back as the ancient Greeks. Other names for this full moon are the Cold Moon, and the Hunger Moon ~ cold, bright in the darkness, and unforgiving. This is a time for self-care, reflection, and making real and realistic plans for the rest of the year.
The first full moon of 2017 carries with it mixed messages, good and evil, forgiveness and rejection, life and death, man and woman. Everything about this full moon is contradictory and complimentary, the very essence of yin and yang, of darkness and light, of balance. The Wolf Moon is what we make of it. This Full Wolf Moon a time for decision making, planning, of endings and beginnings, of intense emotional energy. A sweet smile and laughter will bring the full moon’s power of joy and happiness into your life. Approach this full moon with a dark spirit, and the rest of your year will be equally dark and gloomy.
This Full Wolf Moon is the Goddess in her Mother aspect. Create a safe space and clear your mind. Invite the true spirit of love and understanding into your life. And, let’s all be careful out there tonight.
No matter how much you love someone, you cannot make them love you.
If you don’t receive love from the ones who are meant to love you, you will never stop looking for it. ~ Robert Goolrick
It’s worse than that. No matter how much you like someone you cannot make them like you, and no matter how much you desire someone, you cannot make them desire you. No matter what you do, no matter the money, time, effort, hope, prayer, and love you expend, no matter how many sleepless nights you suffer, you cannot change the way someone feels about you.
Often unrequited love is the desperate feeling of being hopelessly, completely, head over heels in love with and infatuated with someone, all the while knowing that your feelings will never reach their heart and will never be returned. Unrequited love can exist when the object of your love is hardly even aware of your existence. You may love someone and yet know you will never make love with them or wake up next to them in the morning. You may even know that you will never get to spend time with the object of your love. And yet, you will go on loving them forever, no matter the pain and heartache it causes. You will go on loving even when you know they love another.
A person doesn’t know true hurt and suffering until they’ve felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere. ~ Rose Gordon
Unrequited love also exists within relationships, when one person may love the other deeply and tenderly, but the object of your affections just thinks you’re someone to hang out with when there is nothing better happening. Unrequited love even exists inside marriage, when one partner truly, madly, deeply and unconditionally loves the other, who merely regards them as a convenience.
Sadly, unrequited love can sometimes turn into obsessive love, which is an extreme form of infatuation and does not allow for failure, imperfection, or rejection. Obsessive love is a dangerous mental disorder which can lead to extreme behaviour, up to and including boiling the pet rabbit. If you have ever flirted with a real bunny-boiler, then you will know exactly how bad obsessive love can become.
The difference between a dysfunction love and real, true love is reciprocity. Does the object of your desire return your affections? Or, are you doing all the work and throwing your love away, just like throwing a rock into a bottomless pit? Ask yourself if the one you love is anything more than an empty vessel, are they someone who can and will return your love with their own, or are you just feeding money into a crooked slot machine in the vain hope of a jackpot?
Unrequited and obsessive love can be a masochistic addiction. It hurts and it costs, but if you have it, you will wait around for the big payoff, no matter what.
The really bad news for someone who is going through the misery of unrequited love is that there will never be a big payoff. You will never hit the jackpot, they will never return your love, and they will forget you in a New York second. Whatever you have right now is as good as it’s ever going to get, and the chances are it will get worse ~ addictions always get worse over time, no matter what. Some people are incapable of real love, that’s called Emotional Deprivation Disorder, and if you are unlucky enough to love someone suffering from that, you may as well pack your bags and go home.
It’s no good putting the object of your desire on a pedestal, and it’s no good thinking that you can change him or her. No matter how much time, effort, money, love, and heartache you have invested, you will most likely have just thrown it all away. It’s like feeding a slot machine in Las Vegas, where you will probably never see a penny of that money ever again, and deep down you know you have wasted everything.
Often those who suffer the agony of unrequited love and / or obsessive love have other mental problems ~ Drug addiction, Alcoholism, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or just plain Emotional Hunger.
Just like drug addiction or alcoholism, the only way out of the misery of unrequited love, or the sick dangers of an obsessive love, is to quit.
There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it. ~ Shannon L. Alder
It’s much easier to write it than it is to do it, but if what you have is a relationship where you are giving a lot and getting little in return, then you have to walk away. Walk away, don’t look back, and don’t try to keep in touch. It’s going to hurt, but it’s like a bad tooth. It will hurt a lot for a short while when you’re having it extracted, but that’s much better than living with months or years of dull misery.
these opinions are mine and mine alone
Why Do I Go To Extremes?
Most people like to know where they stand. It’s part of human nature to want the people you know to be same person today that they were yesterday, and to be able to rely on them to be that very same person tomorrow.
In general your friends want to be able to depend on you. Usually the people you come into contact with will become wary and suspicious if you suddenly turn into a crazy person, especially if you often become that crazy person. This goes doubly if you’re male and the friend in question is a woman.
Call it mood swings if you like, but if there’s a sudden and expected change in the way you feel and behave, especially when you’re angry and unhappy, you’re going to hurt someone. You will probably cause emotional distress to several people, they may never trust you again, they may become distant and feel threatened by you. If it’s bad enough you may sadden, offend, upset, devastate, and cause anguish to someone you love, and they may just walk away from you.
I know, because I’ve been there.
If you want your relationships to thrive and survive in the urban jungle, then find the cause of your mood swings, and then find yourself the cure. It may be hard, you may be crazy, but very few women are looking for a lunatic.
Billy Joel ~ I go to extremes
Please listen responsibly.
Have you ever had one of those terrible days when nothing wanted to work?
Has your whole body ever felt as though you were too heavy to move, and every bone and muscle was not just uncomfortable, but actually hurting?
Have you ever felt as though you had a mind full of dank fog, and every thought was an effort that didn’t really want to go anywhere?
Well that was me yesterday. Feeling bad, thinking bad thoughts, lost, alone, lonely, tired, and hurting.
Over recent weeks I have been feeling incredibly fit, well, healthy, alert, and sharp ~ all day, everyday. And, I’ve slept well, been filled with energy when I’m awake, and been able to rest comfortably when I wanted to relax. So, to suddenly feel yuck was a bit of a shock.
You know what? Not so long ago, I used to feel yuck all the damn time.
Feeling terrible in body, mind, and spirit was the way my life was, I just didn’t always know it at the time. Terrible can become normal if that’s what you become used to. I ill-treated my body, mind, and spirit and a terrible life was what I got in return.
If you have done terrible things, you must endure terrible things; for thus the sacred light of injustice shines bright. ~ Sophocles.
These days I feel good all the time, and that’s the new normal for me.
Perhaps it’s done me a favour to experience and remember just how manky my ‘normal’ used to be. I even know what brought on the whole feeling manky thing all of a sudden ~ allowing myself to be adversely affected by some hurtful things a friend said to me at the weekend. And that’s stupid, because my feelings are my feelings, and I shouldn’t let someone else control how I feel. Perfection is not always easy when you’ve had a lifetime suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.
Tomorrow, I’m back on my programme of a healthy diet, fresh air, exercise, working to stretch my intellect, and using meditation to connect with my spiritual side. When I feel damn good, my whole life is damn good. Back when I used to feel yuck most of the time, my whole life was yuck.
Do yourself a favour, start a yourself on a proper programme to be fitter and healthier in body, mind, and spirit.
Orandum est ut sit mens sana in corpore sano ~ from the Latin ~ You should pray for a healthy mind in a healthy body.
These opinions are mine and mine alone
I hate you, please never leave me
thank you for all the pleasant misery
I loved the nights of depressive ecstasy
so, thank you for not ever really loving me
and for the unrequited desire you’ve given me
only one thing left to do, time I walked into the sea
words and pictures by jack collier