I still have nothing at Christmas
for it is in giving that we receive the most
Marmaduke relaxing in the garret.
During this festive season I have nothing arranged, and expect to see nobody at all on Christmas Day. I’d rather not be spending another festive season alone in the garret, but a little while ago my plans for Christmas were thrown into disarray. I had arranged to take a trip to visit a friend, however my friend is now spending Christmas with their family, rather than with me.
I suppose I can’t complain about that, after all Christmas is the one time of year that you should really spend time with your family. Sadly, for me there is only my sister, and she has her own husband and children to spend Christmas with. I’d I be like the ghost at the feast if I went there. I guess I can count Marmaduke as my family, so I won’t be totally alone here.
Some kind people have invited me to visit over the holidays….. I don’t know if I can do that. Finding a flight just before Christmas, returning just after is very difficult this late in the day, actually it’s a’most impossible. Any flight I’ve been able to find carries a hefty premium ~ like 50% above the normal fare, (or much more) for a really crappy set of connecting flights. So, anyone travelling for Christmas will have had to have booked their flights some time ago.
Also, spending Christmas with someone I don’t know so well seems uncomfortable somehow ~ as though I would be intruding. (My strong sense of ethics always stop me from having real fun.)
Whatever Hollywood might say, making last minute arrangements for Christmas Day is somewhere between difficult and impossible. If you want to travel over the Holidays you have to book your journey well in advance ~ unless you are willing to pay double the normal fare for bad seats on flights that are the most difficult and inconvenient as possible.
Some say that their Christmas visit to the family was a last-minute idea. And that the whole thing was quite spontaneous. All I know is that flights over the Christmas Holiday have to be booked well in advance.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Marmaduke still thinks we’re going away over the holidays
Lonely Christmas
I have no one to talk to, and I’m alone
With only one month to go until Christmas Day I’ve been thinking about all those people who will be lonely over this Festive Season.
In England this Christmas, one in five adults will be spending the day alone. And the Salvation Army say that almost a million elderly people, aged 65 and over, will be alone on Christmas Day, and most of them will be very lonely. Tradition and Hollywood both say that Christmas is a special time to spend with friends and family, and yet millions of people don’t even plan to leave their homes at Christmas.
If you are a mature adult the chances are that you have spent at least one holiday season by yourself. There are many possible reasons for this, you may live far away from family and old friends, you could have been divorced, or your relationship might have fallen apart, or you may have lost a loved one, or you may be suffering from your own problems such as alcoholism, drug addiction, severe mental illness….. Or it just might be that you had plans and for some reason they fell apart at the last minute.
This year I will be alone in the garret, and you can tick several of the reasons I’ve just mentioned as to the cause of my solitary Christmas. I wonder how many of you reading this will also be alone over the Festive Season, and how many will be spending it with an aching heart looking back at the mistakes of the past. Life can be viciously unkind, and not everyone we have ever met and loved was going to be worth the tears we shed. How many times do we have to say that we’re sorry for the things we have done or not done before we are forgiven? And when will we ever learn?
Not all need be doom and gloom if you are going to be alone at Christmas with nobody to talk to and nobody to even care. There are some positive things you can do;
- Don’t get drunk or high or take to much mood-altering medication.
- Don’t spend Christmas day unwashed, unshaven / not made up, with your hair uncombed, in dirty clothes or your night attire.
- Don’t stay in bed all day feeling unutterably melancholy or depressed.
- At least go out and take a short walk to some place that has special meaning for you.
- Make use of the empty streets to take some different photographs.
- Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself some positive self-talk.
- Trust yourself, even if nobody else does, things will get better, nothing stays melancholy and depressing forever.
- Contemplate the past, the present, and all possible futures while listening to some inspiring music.
- Cook yourself a special meal and be thankful that you are safe, warm, and eating well.
- Reach out to those you would have truly liked to be spending Christmas with.
- Clean up the administrative dross from this year, and make positive plans for the future.
Some say that Christmas Day is just another day. And that it’s not being alone that makes you lonely, it’s that nobody even cares. All I know is that I intend to make the very best of being on my own at Christmas.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Scenes on Sunday ~ Winter Mirror
the sea was as hard and grey as a winter mirror
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
and now the sea
but through a glass, darkly
now that she’s gone
I pushed her away, into the evening light, a million miles away
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from afar
where the night ended
a happy cry said it wasn’t over
and all at once I had it all
nothing else mattered
but my tears
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
wait ’till you see me cry
with tears of joy over my smile
Scenes on Sunday ~ Marmaduke in Americia
he who lives sees much, he who travels sees more
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jack collier
jackcollier@talktalk.net
Marmaduke is a very cool dude
Marmaduke’s Vacation
I am sorry I’m going away, you can accompany me some other day.
Marmaduke isn’t coming to the USA with me tomorrow. This time he has to stay home and look after the garret. At least having my friend taking care of things while I’m on vacation means I don’t have to worry about the place. Anyway, Marmy likes being on sentry-duty.
He’s a bit sad about not coming along. Marmy likes the wide open spaces in America.
Sadly, there just isn’t enough room for him this time around.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
Awwwwww.
Shame, Depression, and Defeat
You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, ashamed, angry, nor condemned.
If I sit alone and brood, then all the negative, dark, and ugly thoughts come back to me.
If I drink to escape and hide from my painfully dark and negative feelings, then things get far, far worse.
For me, The Past is a very dangerous place. Before I ever go there again I should take notice of the signs that say things like ‘Here Be Dragons’.
At times my thoughts can suddenly wander into dark places leading me to have unpleasant and negative feelings.
In own unacknowledged and unaccepted pain I am quite capable of hurting the ones I care for the most.
Deep within me I am still a prisoner of the negative ethics, judgementalism, and fears I learned when I was a child.
Right now, I do not know how to deal with any of this.
My only plan is to keep working on recovering from severe alcoholic poisoning, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. And, the only recovery I’m going to work on today is physical ~ not thinking or feeling at all seems like a good plan.
That and staying away from any thoughts and feelings at all.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
there may be a new dawn ahead
it’s just that, right now
I can’t see it
New Year’s Eve
I close my eyes to false friends, and open my heart to new beginnings.
Those of us who march to the sound of a different drum believe that December 20th was the real New Year’s Eve.
But, what happened this Year that’s worth remembering?
- Despite what the ‘global warming’ fools said the world did not end.
And that was just about it.
Personally I discovered the real me, decided that I don’t need a woman to validate that, and resolved to part with anyone who thinks they have a claim on my life.
So, next year is a clean slate. No relationships, no lies, and no promises.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
But that does not include Marmaduke
must I always be alone?
the basic nature of a man is constructive, faithful, and trustworthy
If you have been following this blog, you will know that, over the past few years, circumstances, and my own stubborn nature, converged with my incipient depression to create a weird and unsustainable view of life for me. Not only that, I was also suffering from vicious, undiagnosed, and untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and that blessed me with paranoia and a morbid fear of abandonment.
Add those things together and what happened was that I became an agoraphobic, anti-social, celibate, friendless, psychotic recluse.
My door stayed locked, I seldom left my apartment, I avoided meeting people, the telephone remained unanswered, and I deleted unread any emails I received. Quite honestly, I may as well have been dead as to live that kind of non-life.
It took years, and I do mean years, for me to begin to break out of my self-made prison.
My escape started because I like to write, I wasn’t writing anything, and so I went to a writers’ group, met a few people, and even spoke to them without my being stabbed, attacked, denigrated….. And then I started to write this blog ~ and trust me to begin with it was terrible. Yet, an amazingly articulate woman in California found something that she liked in the way I wrote. And, as things happen, we became long-distance, online friends.
Those of you who have been in a long-distance relationship will know that it’s fraught with problems, and my friendship with this cool Californian woman is probably no better or worse than most relationships that started on-line. As you would expect from a guy with Borderline Personality Disorder in their background, I became obsessed with her, had unrealistic expectations, and did stupidly impulsive things. I was not constructive, reliable, nor trustworthy. None of that was helpful.
My good fortune is that I spent some time with a therapist, my doctor, and a psychiatrist. The general consensus of their opinion was that I had been suffering from BPD, but I was mostly recovered ~ at the time that was all news to me, (I even had to look up what the hell Borderline Personality Disorder was).
But, if I was mostly recovered I could start to live my life the way I wanted, and not the way a serious mental illness was telling me to exist.
Ergo, I am on a journey of self-awareness, self-discovery, self-development, and self-improvement. Now I mostly say and do what I think is right, and those that don’t like it can just feck off and have a nice day, and please don’t keep in touch. That new and more assertively honest attitude of mine has ruffled a few feathers ~ but I’m never going back to being that agoraphobic, anti-social, celibate, friendless, obsessive, psychotic recluse.
Maybe I need to find some new friends, and maybe I’ll be alone again for a while.
Some say that a friend in need is a friend indeed. And that you should choose your friends wisely. All I know is that I’d rather be alone than have fair-weather friends.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
at least I have a friend in Marmaduke
and he’s always ready for anything
Scenes on Sunday ~ Marmaduke
The young at heart will always find a friend in a teddy bear.
Marmaduke is my teddy bear. He has his own life, filled with adventures, daydreams, and really wild things. But, the boat has got to go.
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jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net
It’s a grand life being a well-travelled teddy bear.
