Self-censorship is a lie to yourself;
one should never be afraid to say what you think.
I am a firm believer in not allowing the approval, or disapproval, of others to influence what one believes, thinks, says, writes, or does. I am also a liar, because today, yesterday, and for a few days / weeks / months before that I have not been true to my own beliefs.
My lies to you all are lies of omission, in that I am not prepared to tell you the whole truth about some things, and I am not prepared to tell you anything at all about some other things, and there are some things I will just completely deny. It seems that everyone has dark secrets, and everyone lies without thought.
As this is by way of a confessional I will tell you why I’m making this admission.
Today I was going to publish one of a few completed posts that I have just decided I shall never publish. These included;
- Sex, Lust, and Whores. Most women sell sex; most of them just don’t take money from everyone who wants them.
- Masturbation and Fetishes. Only boys masturbate, or so the myth goes, because a woman touching herself is immoral.
- Love Wars. Love and war, it seems, work by exactly the same rules.
- Goddess of Sexual Love. Sexual love is powerful, it can bring women to their knees.
- Casual Sex and Immorality. In an imperfect world you could fuck anyone and everyone without thinking about the consequences.
All the above posts I’ve irrevocably put into my trash were of a highly sexual nature, impinging upon the real truths of most interpersonal relationships.
The face is the mirror of the mind, and the eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart. ~ St. Jerome.
Some say that evaluation of the truth is not an absolute, but a matter of piecing together bits of information to form a picture. And that most people’s idea of the truth is based on their preconceived ideas and prejudices. All know is that, sometimes, the real truth is best left unsaid.
the most common fetishes are depicted here
smoking, heels, stockings, submission, mystery, mastery
I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. ~ Mark Twain
Lust, Greed, and Addiction. These are deadly sins ~ deadly because lust, greed, and addiction can all drag you down to a rock-bottom more horrible than your worst nightmare, humiliate you, make you ill, and then kill you. Lust can give you all kinds of STD, take you to dangerous places, where you could meet some very nasty people. Greed can make you take risky decisions with money, accept all kinds of bad financial advice, and ultimately take every penny and asset you have, including your home. And addiction is more terribly dreadful than you could possibly imagine. If you are a woman, and addicted to anything, you will most likely do some sordid things just to feed your addiction.
It can all begin innocently enough, a date with a co-worker, regularly sitting at the bar in your favourite pub, losing a couple of hundred dollars in Las Vegas. But it may only be a matter of time before you’re the bum on the streets, or the easy slut sitting at the bar in your favourite pub, who’s just looking for a younger guy to fuck her like an animal.
The sad thing is, that once you’re on the train to destruction, there’s usually no getting off until the last stop. Almost everyone I’ve ever known who has taken that ride is now dead, often horribly so, well before their time should have been up. The list of illnesses and causes of death that lust, greed, and addiction will give you is long and horrific; insanity, renal failure, wet brain, suicide, pneumonia, cirrhosis, cardiovascular failure, cancers, accidents, gastrointestinal disorders, blood disorders, pancreatitis, malnutrition, AIDS, random violence, domestic violence, brutal rape, beriberi…..
What can you do if you have lots of casual sex, constantly think about ways of making money, gamble, drink too much and / or take drugs? Well, you can’t stop on your own. So get help before you are utterly rejected by everyone who cares for you. Try Alcoholic Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous….. It’s pointless going to your doctor, the average doctor is as much use helping with these problems as is a cement life jacket.
Some say that they drink, take drugs, gamble, make rash decisions, and have casual sex because of too much stress, worry, and fear. And that they could clean up their act anytime they like. All I know is that almost everyone is stressed, worried, and a little afraid, but they don’t all die an early, disgusting death.
just an easy slut, drinking alone, only one friend in the world, a barman
Change your life today, act now without delay.
It seems to me that most people spend most of their time just piddlefucking around without having a clear idea of what it is they want to achieve, and without having any real plan to get wherever it is that they want to go in Life. I’m pretty certain this is not because they don’t have wants, needs, dreams and desires, but perhaps it’s because their wants, needs, dreams, and desires are not well thought out in their own mind.
Consciously we may have an idea of what we want out of Life, but unless our conscious plans are totally backed by subconscious conviction we may as well just be whistling in the wind.
Recently I ‘decided’ that I am a really cool and charismatic guy, living a really great life ~ and so what?
Well, to begin with it means developing and maintaining some habits and rituals that support the conviction that I’m a cool guy living a great life, such as always looking sharp with bright eyes, clear skin, and a good haircut that suits my slightly preppy English style. Getting to bed at a decent time every night, sleeping well, eating well, taking the right vitamin supplements, getting plenty of fresh air and exercise, and avoiding unnecessary stress. Every day I make certain that I read something challenging and inspirational, rest and meditate, and just take some time out for myself.
I have a ritual that each day I try to write something interesting, insightful, and perhaps controversial on this blog. And, every day I take the time to stay in contact with some people that I care for, even if it’s just by email. (I don’t use Facebook, twitter, or texts.)
And every second of every day, the conviction I have planted in my subconscious that; ‘Hey, I’m a cool and charismatic guy, living a really great life…..’ monitors my conscious thought, feelings, and actions, and every so often will let me know that I’m being a jerk.
Nobody is perfect, but now I
fucking damn well know when I’m being a jerk, and I suddenly have a choice ~ go on being a jerk, or instead act like the cool and charismatic guy I know I am. If I have to, I follow that old mantra;’fake it to make it’, and my natural exuberance spills out all over the place.
Tomorrow I’m taking another sunshine vacation, a week in the Spanish Canary Islands, and that’s because my idea of being a cool guy doesn’t involve hibernating in my garret through the English winter. Instead I’m up for some fresh air and exercise in sub-tropical sunshine.
Some say that we should avoid strong emotions and deep feelings. And, that it’s a sin to have our own personal desires and dreams. All I know is that I have a real lust for life.
show up on time for life
enchanted lust is as a candle under a dark moon
hard as stone
dry as a bone
far as the moon
she left me alone
the enchantress crone
dangerous women attract me
I suffer an abnormal fear of abandonment
If you want me, just whistle. You know how to whistle don’t you…..
You are the one
unique and singular
more beautiful to me than
a rainbow in its serried colours
wild, free, and hotter than the sun
romancing you and my life just began
strange, crazy, weird, erotic, feral, and fun
come and ride the river, come ride the moon
lovely, lithe, lissom, languid, lascivious, lust
Sexual desire is impervious to sense and reason.
What am I longing for most in life? That’s a hard question It’s one of the questions in the Dreambook and Planner a friend sent to me.
That question made me think a lot, as it should have. I don’t have an answer as yet.
The thing is I have some easy answers, guy type answers, and of course more and better sex is an easy answer for a guy.
It’s disturbing for me that friendship and love seem more important to me right now than monochromatic lust. Lust and sex are transient, love and friendship are permanent things. As I guy I think I should be more into casual sex.
But I do love black and white pictures of attractive women. Why monochromatic? It is so much sexier.
And why do women who smoke turn me on? That’s weird too.
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We cannot control our emotions.
Various psychologists, behavioural scientists, and sundry people in white coats, disagree a little on just how many human emotions there are. They also tend to disagree on exactly what these feelings do to us.
However, trolling through their divergent opinions, and adding a little basic common sense, we can come up with a more or less definitive list of the main human emotions. These are; Anger, Fear, Happiness, Sadness, and Love. Personally I’d add another, I think Lust is a very powerful raw emotion. Or maybe Lust only affects men?
We can call these raw emotions by other, more polite, names. Lust is transformed into desire, and many of us call the feeling of desire Love. How many men have said; ‘I love you’, when what they truthfully meant was; ‘I desire you, I want you’? I know I have fallen into that despicable sexual trap in the past.
For most of us, by far the strongest emotion is . It’s what keeps people in dysfunctional relationships, lousy jobs, and mind numbing routines. We are afraid of change, we fear abandonment, we fear loss of status, most of all we fear death.
Those of us who have, or have had, a psychological / mental illness have an intimate relationship with fear. The emotionally disturbed are often a maelstrom of Fear and Anger.
For aeons the heart was thought to be the seat of emotions, especially Love. Now, most respectable scientists profess that the brain is where emotions live. Although, some left field professors say that the gut is where emotions begin. Me, I’m neither respectable nor a scientist, and the last time I wore a white coat was at a costume party. I don’t know where our emotions live, and I don’t know exactly how they work.
However, I do know where your emotions come from.
Our emotions and instincts are hard-wired into our body, mind, and spirit. They originate as far back in time as when the first thing crawled out of the primeval slime. Emotions and instincts are what drove the survival behaviours of things that could never be described as intelligent life. What do you think drove the raw savagery of Tyrannosaurus Rex? What do you think makes sharks such a successful life-form?
Instincts and raw animal emotions bypass the intellect. Emotions have nothing to do with intelligence and common sense. Emotions are powerful in exactly the same way that thought isn’t. From the moment life began emotions controlled the behaviour of all life forms, and emotions still control human behaviour today.
Intellectually, a man can know that some particular woman is bad for him, yet will he willingly give her up? Probably not because his emotions completely override his common sense. If she thinks about it, a woman may know that it’s stupid to stay with a man who mentally, emotionally, physically abuses her ~ yet how many women are trapped in abusive relationships because their emotions won’t let them leave him?
Most of us will do almost anything to assuage our emotions. Some of us will go to any lengths to satisfy our raw emotions ~ up to and including the death of self and / or others. Emotions are the most powerful driving forces in each of our lives. Positive, or negative, or a mixture of both, we are each controlled by our feelings. All that intelligence and intellect does is to overlay some civilisation on top of our innate savagery.
Me, Us, You, Them, can do something about these emotions that drive our every action. We can’t stop the feelings, and we can’t control the feelings, but we can control what we do.
You may get so angry with your partner that you want to stab them in the eye with a sharp knife. You may fear the outside world so much that you never want to leave your home. You may think you love someone so much that you willingly sublimate your identity just to please them. Yet our intelligence and intellect will eventually tell us that we need to escape into the broad sunlit uplands of rationality.
At that point you may seek counselling, psychiatry, medical help, inspirational speakers and writers, or self-help groups. Trust me, none of that will do you any good at all. These people will probably tell you to control your emotions, and that’s as impossible as turning back the tide.
The only thing we can do is accept these emotions and at the same time unconditionally accept ourselves. We must recognise that life is difficult, painful, and mostly beyond our control. We must be prepared to make some brave choices. Leaving the one you’re with may tear your heart in two, but that’s just a raw primeval emotion, the feelings will pass, and the sooner we make those brave choices the sooner our emotions will stop torturing us.
Your emotions are utterly beyond your control. Your emotions also lie to you. Your emotions may make you feel bad or good, but those are just feelings, they have nothing to do with reality. The reality is that your emotions lie to you, that’s their job, they developed to keep a cave-man alive. In this day and age we need the sense to accept our emotions for what they are, a very broad brush indeed.
See beyond your emotions. See the world in it’s true colours. Enjoy your emotions when they are good, but don’t get carried away. Live with your emotions when they are bad, but accept bad emotions as the storm flags they really are. And, at this time of year, let yourself feel the innocent joy and of love of Christmas.
these thoughts are mine and mine alone
California coast sunset in pain meanders
nirvana poltergeist soubrette in vain leaves
a wicked Pandora the utmost coquette in disdain lures
she is a madonna boasting fishnet in lust with black flowers
offshore a lost vignette, just constrained emotions
the aura a ghost so forget your lost memories
words and pictures by jack collier firstname.lastname@example.org
Even grown men cry sometimes. Even grown men are blue when their dreams cannot ever come true.
There are many species of dreams. Pleasant dreams, disturbing dreams, day dreams, nightmares…
Perhaps only when we accept that some dreams are just fantasies that we can find true happiness.
Paradise is a never-never land, but there is joy to be found in the real world ~ if we accept the freedom of acceptance of what is rather than wishing for the impossible. From acceptance it is just a short step to sanity and serenity.
I can accept that all the dreams I dream with you may never come true.
words and pictures by jack collier