you don’t lie to the person that you love
she was carnal
and I truly adored her
I never knew the real woman
she walked on eggshells around me
why do I adore a false chimera, an avatar?
and she never tells the truth
it hurts not having her close
it would hurt worse not having her at all
and I loved her
she wasn’t here
yet I adored her
even from afar
and I desired her
wide oceans apart
to possess her
I still love her
dancing to tunes of love and hope
he loved her against all reason, against all hope, against happiness
I remember when Leo Sayer used to sing wearing a Pierrot costume. I thought that was pretty cool, at the time. But have you ever been in love…..?
I know all there is to know about unrequited love. It hurts.
Please listen with compassion.
the tears of a clown
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
and you’re not in this world to live up to mine
I didn’t expect her to do that at the dinner table
One of the reasons my life was such a mess was that I had some expectations from a relationship that were no longer being met. I was and am far too attached to a woman, and being in love with a woman always leads to expectations, and in my experience expectations always leads to bitter disappointments. Those disappointments were making me very confused, is it infatuation, lust, desire, love, an emotional need, or a dysfunctional friendship? And how does a normal guy find a way through that Dionysian maze?
Expectation is the root of all heartache. ~ Shakespeare
No matter how hard I tried I could not free myself of the expectation that I deserved an emotional, sensual and sexual friendship where the love I thought I felt was returned freely and fully. That is the big danger of having expectations, often they are unrealistic, often they lead us to believe that we deserve something or someone, and quite often our expectations are a million miles from the reality of any given situation.
Also expectations are passive, we don’t need to actually do anything to have huge expectations. Expectations are the result of feelings, and I should know that feelings are often false and the result of twisted programming hard wired into our subconscious mind before we were seven years of age. Feelings are not real, and our feelings often have fuck all to do with what’s going on in the real world.
We should never blame people for disappointing us, we should blame ourselves for expecting too much from them, or expecting things from them that they can’t give to us, or don’t want to give us. We should never blame others for our own negative feelings of anger, jealousy, misery, resentment, sadness….. Our feelings belong only to ourselves, we should own them, and if our feelings are distressing us don’t try to change the world, that’s too difficult, we should change ourselves instead.
Expectations can be as trivial as expecting a nice day, as important as expecting a pay rise at work, or as destructive as thinking you love someone who doesn’t love you. Unrequited love is incredibly painful, trust me, I know.
We always want what we can’t have, life is so cruel that way.
Some say that if we don’t expect the good things from life then all we will ever get is dross. And that we have a right to expect to get what we want the most. All I know is that I’m still trying to find a way to stop loving someone. You’d think a man would know.
and I expected a great beach-front hotel
set your course by your bright guiding light
My ship was sinking
I was lost and alone
on the savage seas
inside my own mind
I could be very blind
and viciously unkind
dishonest and drinking
feeling fear and dread
then your bright light
pierced fog and gloom
shining far out to me
guiding me home
my guiding light shines
I was a wolf, and she was my moon.
Here in England the first full moon of 2020 occurs at 19:21 hrs on January 10th, and the January full moon is known as The Wolf Moon. There will also be a full lunar eclipse. Leaving aside the astronomy; at this time I need to be communicative, expressive, honourable, objective, and resourceful. I need to consider my options and opportunities in life. This is the end of a journey that began years ago, a time to release something that up until now I was not ready to let go of, so I also need to look deeply inward..
This full moon I will release any energy, attachments, thoughts, emotions, and relationships that no longer serve my best interests. People, places, and things that have been toxic for me will no longer be part of my life. In time I will set new intentions and develop a different life from that which has gone before.
I release all the things from my past that have caused my negative attachments. I prepare and welcome new changes, new lessons, and new adventures. I welcome new opportunities to grow physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Some say there are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. And that only a true wolf will fall in love with the moon. All I know is that just because I’m on a different path, it doesn’t mean I’m lost.
it’s time for me to take a hard look at relationships
(Funny how things work out. Until I read Rhapsody Boheme’s blog today I didn’t even know there was a full moon tonight. And yet, if you have been reading my blog over the past few days you will know that the spiritual significance of this Wolf Moon is exactly where I am in my life’s journey.)
recovery is something you have to work at every hour of every day
recovery from a fucked up life is a long road
As I begin to recover from my disastrous and stupid behaviour over the holidays I have been thinking about my life. In truth I am so ill that I can’t do much else than sit and think. If you’re very sick then everything is either difficult or impossible. Add to that crushing depression and you might understand that it’s an achievement for me to be out of bed, washed, shaved, and wearing clean clothes.
My thoughts are slow and faltering, but I believe they are clear, honest, and unafraid to accept the truth. And the truth is I have fucked up, big time, for years and years. I have done almost everything bad you can think of that wasn’t illegal. I haven’t stolen, taken drugs, been physically violent, gotten arrested, lived on the street…..
I have entered into several unsuitable, dysfunctional, and dishonest relationships, all of which ended very badly. I have destroyed some good and honest relationships, hurting the women involved. I did put my stupid high-flying career before relationships, friendships, and real life. I allowed my ego, my wants, needs, and my expectations to rule my life. And for a lot of the time I was drinking far too much.
How do I come back from that?
All I know is that, one day at a time, one hour at a time, I will be sober, honest, open, and avoid any conflicts. I will not build castles in the clouds dedicated to my own ego.
building this now would only be satisfying my need for instant gratification
One life that soon is past, yet what’s done with love will forever last
Loving someone doesn’t mean being blind to their faults, nor always liking everything they have ever done. But if you love someone you will accept, understand, and forgive almost anything and everything. If you truly love someone you will support them through their darkest times, try to show them the way when they are lost, and never be negative when they are being stupid.
Nobody can make you feel the way that your love can.
There is only one true happiness in life, to love and be loved.
You may not be her first date, her first kiss, or her first fuck….. but be her last everything.
Some say that there is no such thing as true love. And that all everyone wants is sex. All I know is that I loved someone….
Making love in a spring meadow
is a memory or a dream.
I will not heal by going back to what broke me
This track is from Chris Rea ~ the album, the Road to Hell. That’s where I’m going now.
And it’s no fault but my own.
Please listen responsibly.
echoes of better days
my life is bleak, unhappiness is mine
Through no fault but my own the one good thing I had in my life is destroyed.
I am in the bleak mid-winter of sorrow today.
Please listen responsibly.
Bleak Mid-Winter in New Mexico