I get jealous, I get mad, I get curious ~ that’s only because I care
jealousy is always, always, ultimately destructive
Yesterday I posted some stuff about Retroactive Jealousy, which seems to be the most disturbing, counter-intuitive, difficult to comprehend, painful psychological condition anyone could suffer from. Jealousy drove me to drink and thoughts of suicide. But, how to get over this life-destroying problem, just how does one recover from jealousy over your partner’s past?
Retroactive Jealousy is a serious mental disorder, which means that your jealousy is not really part of you, it’s your mental illness driving you into painfully insane thoughts and actions. Your jealousy may not be you, it might be obsessions and compulsions which arise from a medical disease, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.
Do not make the mistake of waiting passively for the jealousy, and the insane urges to do something crazy to just go away. By something crazy I mean getting drunk a lot, stalking your partner’s social media, spying on your partner, committing suicide….. If you suffer from retroactive jealousy the worst thing you can do is nothing ~ the most important thing is to do something, see a psychiatrist, talk to your sponsor in whatever 12 step group you attend, watch some appropriate podcasts on YouTube, read a useful book ~ Brain Lock might be helpful, as might The Road Less Travelled. DO NOT ever talk with your partner about this ~ that is the very worst thing you can do, it’s like an alcoholic taking just one more drink, there is no relief to be found there.
Talking with your partner about their past, the past that you suffer crazy jealousies about, is just another way of harming yourself ~ and in any event your partner will probably lie, deny, and minimise what they did in their past. There is no truth and no recovery to be found in talking things over with your partner.
To recover from retroactive jealousy you have to put in some very hard work. And the first step is to admit that you have a real and life-destroying problem. And then you have to consider Desire, Wants, Needs, and Love.
Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness, of hatred, of jealousy, and, most easily of all, the gate of fear. ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
The accepted prerequisite for anyone to suffer from Retroactive Jealousy is that they must both love and need their partner, or at least firmly believe that they both love and need their partner. There can be no retroactive jealousy unless you first deeply care about someone. Ergo, one sure cure for this horrible condition is to stop needing and loving him or her. Face it, why would you love someone who has done things which hurt you so deeply, perhaps things that disgust you? That really is counter intuitive, so to stop hurting, just stop loving.
Another way to cure retroactive jealousy is to just walk away ~ leave your partner, never look back, and then completely forget them. Mark the time you spent with him or her as the biggest mistake of your life, and move on.
Or, put yourself into months and years of really painful therapy.
How am I recovering from Retroactive Jealousy? I’ve stopped needing. The truly self-aware and self-reliant man has no neediness.
Some say that real men don’t suffer from jealousy. And that being jealous only shows up your own inadequacies. All I know is that the insanity of being jealous of the past almost killed me.
falling in love with a centerfold is maybe not the best idea a guy could ever have
The past is not the past, it is never done and gone.
male sexual jealousy is a dragon that will devour your very soul
I only just learned of a condition called Retroactive Jealousy, but it seems as though I’ve suffered from this horrible character defect for much of my life. Now I know that this is a quite common condition that’s also known as retrospective jealousy and retrograde jealousy.
Retroactive Jealousy is having extremely painful thoughts and morbid curiosity over your partner’s / loved one’s past relationships and / or sexual history ~ especially if they went through a very promiscuous phase involving multiple sexual partners or were deeply in love with another or others.
Retroactive Jealousy can lead you to do crazy things; stalk your partner’s social media, check through all their old photographs, post very negative and attacking things about them on your own social media, hire a private detective, park outside their house night after night….. All jealousy is utterly insane and crazy.
It seems that jealousy commonly arises not only about events and thoughts that happen in the present, but also about the past ~ even the past long before we met our current partner.
Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive. ~ Havelock Ellis
Both men and women can suffer terribly from retroactive jealousy, but from very different causes. Men get jealous over their perception of their partner’s sexual history, whereas women get jealous about the other women they believe their partner has been in love with in the past. And, retroactive jealousy only happens in the presence of love. If you are just having a one-night-stand, casual sex, regular sex hookups, or a meaningless fling, then retroactive jealousy will not raise its ugly head. It is only when you begin to really love someone that you might suffer from terrible jealousies about their past.
This is utterly counter-intuitive, because we are conditioned to believe that true love is unconditional, and that we should accept, understand, and cherish our loved one, no matter what. Sadly, this is not how real life works. The past will always affect our deepest emotions, and more often than not things that our partner has done in the past will tear us apart.
It would be impossible to estimate how much time and energy we invest in trying to fix, change and deny our emotions ~ especially the ones that shake us at our very core, like hurt, jealousy, loneliness, shame, rage, and grief. ~ Debbie Ford.
Retroactive Jealousy need not plague you forever, as long as you are prepared to change, as long as you are prepared to put in the hard work ~ but that needs to be the topic of another post.
Some say that you should accept your partner’s past, no matter what it is. And that a competent and self-confident person should be incapable of jealousy in everything. All I know is that there are only two choices about retroactive jealousy; #1 fully accept and understand your partner’s past, #2 walk away and don’t look back.
Always remember that your jealousy is your problem not your partners ~ so deal with it.
if your partner has things like this in her past most men will suffer retroactive jealousy
nice people don’t necessarily fall in love with nice people
nice guys sometimes fall for a vixen
If we assume that you’re not the hottest, sexiest, fittest man or woman on the planet, then how do you attract a date, build a relationship, or find a partner? Some guys and girls, despite their best efforts, have a lot of trouble attracting others.
Attraction is a very complex biological and psychological process, and it all happens in a few seconds. Within 30 seconds or so of meeting someone you will know if you are attracted to them or not, and so will they, and you will both know is there is any chemistry between the pair of you. Some relationships do develop over time, but that calls for two remarkable people.
Girls will be more attractive to men if they smile, whereas guys should hold off with that meaningless grin ~ save it for when you really have something to smile about. Women are attracted to serious, thoughtful, alpha males, and alpha males don’t wear an inane grin.
Sadly, your body type is the most important thing about you when it comes to your attractiveness to the other sex. Women prefer taller men with with a hunter body type, broad shoulders, deep chest, and slim hips. A beer belly is a huge turn off for most women. Men are conditioned to prefer women with a slimmer waist and obvious curves. Women who are 20 pounds overweight will find it much harder to attract another, than will a slimmer girl. This is good news for women, because all they need to do to make themselves much more attractive is to lose weight, (but wearing tall heels makes a woman look as though she’s slimmer, and most men find stiletto heels very sexy.) It’s very bad news for men, because it’s almost impossible for a guy to become taller. However men should always stand tall, don’t ever slouch or become round-shouldered, keep a straight back, pull that gut in, and clench your butt cheeks ~ and you might just look a bit taller.
You might think that you are in control when it comes to attraction, desire, lust, love ~ but you’re not. It’s your subconsciousness that’s running things when it comes to the opposite sex, and your subconscious is as primitive and powerful as a mountain gorilla. Unless you work hard at it, then attraction is just hormones and the automatic subconscious rules and programs that control your behaviour 95% of the time.
The basics of attraction are; smell good, look as good as you possibly can, (wear something red), don’t be needy, be interested and interesting, and if there’s no chemistry after a couple of minutes then perhaps just walk away and find someone else.
Some say that your attractiveness to the opposite sex is all about looks. And that you can’t turn a needy jerk into James Bond. All I know is that if there’s no instant desire, then it’s probably never going to happen.
women look much slimmer and a lot sexier in stiletto heels
I saw the crescent ~ you saw the whole of the moon
I see truth when I see you
I hear the song of the moon
and when I hear your voice
whispering the heavenly tune
I see the rainbow above
and when I feel your touch
you do so much to me
lifting my deepest gloom
with each beat of my heart
I know that I’m in love
for my world is you
if he lives with an open heart
each man shall find his Venus
some people feel the rain, others just get wet
England, this green and pleasant land, where it rains a lot.
Different from the parts of America, where it’s dusty and hot.
Clouds came floating unbidden into my life, not to carry the life-giving rain, but to hide the beautiful rainbow of love.
Please listen responsibly.
singing in the rain is not my thing
I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket
evenings are a time to forget past mistakes
I don’t want to know your life story
I don’t need your intimate history
all I want to do is walk with you
in rapture wandering aimlessly
by evening’s calming seas
every evening I get closer
to nature’s healing power
The glory of gardening is having your hands in the dirt and your head in the sun.
I built a planter for my friend in California.
I hope that it gives her many years of pleasure.
there’s a handful of dirt from Red Rock country in there
I hope it gives her many years of pleasure
If you don’t want the answer, then don’t ask the question.
you will never find the answer at the bottom of a glass
There are always more questions than answers, and each new answer raises more, and more difficult questions. Sometimes we don’t want to hear the answer that we get. Sometimes we shouldn’t have asked the question in the first place. And, sometimes the answer we get isn’t the truth.
Life is as simple as these three questions: What do I want? Why do I want it? And, how will I achieve it. ~ Shannon L. Adler
All of those simple questions are very difficult to answer, because either we don’t really know what we want, or if we actually get what we think we wanted, then we realise that we didn’t truly want it at all. More often than not this is the great truth of Love.
The two great questions of love are in the simple phrase; ‘She loves me ~ She loves me not…..’ As if plucking petals from a daisy could possibly answer the question of if she loves you or not. One may as well resolve one’s doubts by tossing a coin and saying; ‘heads I dump her, tails I stay with her.’ Actually, tossing a coin and asking that question does work ~ because while the coin is in the air we will decide which way we truly want the coin to fall.
Being something of a mechanic when it comes to games of chance, that tossing of a coin to get an answer doesn’t truly work for me. I can make a coin fall whichever way I like. I cheat, which isn’t truly getting an answer. My doubts about interpersonal relationships, sex, desire, and love can never be resolved by random chance.
All people have doubts, mostly everyone has the same doubts, and more often than not these doubts are troubling. Often these doubts are created in our own minds because we make assumptions based on incomplete evidence, and we take these assumptions very personally. If we stubbornly wish to be unhappy we look for evidence to prove our worst assumptions, and if we can’t find the evidence and answers to back up our assumptions, then we just create negative answers in our own mind.
My own personal doubts are created because I have an almost perfect memory, so anything anyone says to me stays in my mind, and I can build cloud castles of negative answers based on a single phrase said in passing.
Some say that if we don’t want to know the answer then we shouldn’t ask the question. And that every answer creates more, and more difficult questions. All I know is that we only ask questions when we think we already know the answers.
booze is never the answer
but it will make you forget the question
Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength. ~ Freud
Love’s Long Lonely Road to Nowhere
We are never so vulnerable as when we believe that we are in love. We never suffer so much torment and pain as when we believe that we love someone. We are never as confused and uncertain as when our love seems to be unrequited. And, for many of us, we never do so much stupid and irrational stuff as when we are in love ~ or when we believe that we are in love, (which isn’t quite the same thing as true love at all).
Sigmund Freud built a whole series of complex psychoanalitical theories around the whole gamut of interpersonal relationships, from the Oedipus and Electra complexes to the idea of us all having an Id, Ego, and Superego. If you wish you could try to make sense of your feelings by reading lots of Freud and his modern counterparts such as M. Scott Peck, but I wouldn’t bother. The more you know the less sense it’s going to make.
Chances are that much of what Freud says is right, and also that some of it is utterly wrong. However, I firmly believe that when Freud says that our interpersonal actions and reactions come from our subconscious mind he is absolutely correct. And, especially so when our emotions and hormones are in control, such as when lust, desire, and love are in the frame. That is when we are likely to think, feel, believe, and do some very stupid and irrational stuff ~ and when we are most likely to think, feel, believe, and do things that are completely opposite to anything that might make sense in the real world.
This is all down to the primitive defence mechanisms inherent in our body, mind, emotions, feelings….. These defence mechanism include denial, repression, sublimation, and projection, and taken together these defence mechanisms make us believe things that either aren’t true, or never happened, or don’t matter anyway. We unconsciously lie to ourselves, and that makes us lie to others, and that makes us often do the complete opposite of anything that makes sense.
How many times have I desired, cared for, loved someone…… and instead of cherishing them have done everything I could to push that person away from me? And, how many times have you done that too? If you have even the slightest tough of Borderline Personality Disorder, then the answer is; all the time.
Some say that they are in love, when it’s actually lust and desire. And that love and hate are but two sides of the same coin. All I know is that you can’t love anyone unless you first love yourself.
booze, drugs, cigarettes, and casual sex never solve anything
What becomes of the broken-hearted man.
land of confusion
desire’s lost illusions
an inevitable conclusion
hit the road Jack,
and don’t look back