it’s not good to be lonely, alone, and sick
I was hoping to feel better today, not suffering so much from the symptoms of low blood pressure, and whatever the underlying cause is. Actually I do feel better, but that’s just comparing one level of distress with another. I still have no energy, I’m still pretty much confused, and I still want to throw up. We have a word; Manky, and that’s how I’m feeling this morning.
Hopefully I will get to see my own doctor today.
I’ll get through this.
The pictures are a visual expression of my mood.
It’s 6 months since I had a face-to-face conversation with anyone.
pretty much what lockdown for almost a year feels lke
not everyone is insane but some are depressed
I’m not howling at the moon
I thought that I was going crazy. I was struggling to get out of bed in the morning, to keep myself and the garret clean, to find any interest in anything at all. I believed that being in solitary confinement for almost a year had given me a bad case of lockdown depression ~ the whole world is grey and meaningless kind of depression. The absence of feelings that leads to substance abuse and self harm.
The doctors don’t think that’s the case. It turns out that there is something physically wrong with me. It seems that I am sick in body, but not in mind and spirit. And, somehow that’s good. A physical illness can be treated and cured more easily and more effectively than can a mental illness.
The snag is that thus far nobody has any idea what’s wrong with me. Yesterday I had another physical and another lot of blood taken for testing. Next Friday I’m going for an MRI scan. The doctors will find out what I’m suffering from, and what kind of treatment is appropriate ~ it’s just that it’s taking a little while. But at least I’m getting all the tests they think I need.
What I know so far is that I’m not suffering from anxiety and depression ~ which is good. And, after yesterday I know that my blood pressure is fine, without medication.
So, for now, I will just get on with Life as best as I can.
I need to eat healthy stuff
when things get bad it takes everything you’ve got
keep on keeping on
It’s now the 332 day of lockdown, and this morning it took a lot of determination just to get out of bed and get moving. I could say that I wasn’t feeling so good, but that wouldn’t be true, today it’s all in my mind. If you haven’t suffered the agony of strict self-isolation for almost a year, then you don’t know how I was feeling at 04:00 this morning. Kind of lethargic and depressed, with a touch of meaningless thrown in.
As a matter of fact, lockdown is completely meaningless. All this destruction of the very fabric of modern society is doing is to make politicians and health officials feel better about the myriad of public inquiries they are going to face when all this is eventually over.
So, how do I get through this mess?
- set small goals for each day
- if that’s too difficult set small goals for the next hour
- keep as fit and healthy as possible
- eat regular, high quality meals
- stay away from booze, drugs, candy….
- read something challenging every day
What I really want to do is get out of the garret and go somewhere warm and sunny ~ but taking a vacation is illegal here. I want to see my friends, but that’s also illegal here. In fact having any pleasure at all is just about illegal here.
So, I will look of the bright side, and do the best I can.
every door is locked
English told to lock away their passports for a year
no holidays for Brits for a year
buy a sunlamp and some bags of sand
it’s the nearest you’re going to get to a vacation
United Kingdom cut off from the rest of the world
no sunshine holiday romances please, we’re British
we English travel not to escape everyday life, but to escape Covid
doctors say that having fun increases your risk of dying from COVID-19
no man needs a vacation so much as the man who has been in lockdown for 308 days
the only real prison is fear
don’t be afraid to go out at night, learn self-defence instead
Here in dismal grey England I’ve had an epiphany, not religious but perhaps spiritual. Lockdown goes endlessly on and and on and on ~ yet I am not going to waste my time being depressed, negative, and unhappy. What’s the point in that? Depression and misery never made anything better.
Instead of accepting that I’m imprisoned until Easter, at least, I intend to become free, adventurous, and charming again. I will be sexier and enjoy my life and loves more than ever before. People, places, and things I might have balked at, avoided, or eschewed in the past will now be on my agenda. There are a few exceptions to my venturesome audacious bucket-list; all of Africa, most of South America, booze, gambling, and drugs. Other than that I’m going to be bold, daring, and damned happy. Timid security isn’t on my future agenda.
Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. ~ Helen Keller
The thing is, how can I do any of that when it’s against the law for me to go anywhere or meet anybody? Well, I am not against breaking bad laws, and anything to do with the coronavirus is a bad law on its face. But more practically, what can I do right now;
- Use the internet to connect more deeply and intimately with like-minded people.
- Go through my wardrobe again, get rid of anything that’s too dated, unflattering, or of inferior quality.
- Use the internet to buy some better attire.
- Improve my immune system by eating better and more healthily, drinking enough good fruit juices and lots of water, taking the right high-quality supplements.
- Exercise as much as I can, getting my trim shape back, and improving my energy levels. Meditate when I can.
- Get a solid 7 or 8 hours good sleep every night, rest when I feel weary during the day.
- Stretching my mind by reading more difficult and inspirational books.
- Get back to studying art, geography, literature, music, psychology, and sociology.
- Husband my resources until I can get back out there again.
All that means is that I am going to live as well as I can despite this fucking never-ending lockdown.
yoga is great exercise
just you try keeping that position for 5 minutes each side
last day of the year and I’m in trouble
the garret has turned into my private dungeon
In fact the whole of England is in trouble. Everything is shut except for food stores and pharmacies. Nobody can meet anyone, except for 1 chosen person from your support bubble, in an outside public place. Only 3 pubs in the whole of England are open, and they are all on the Isles of Scilly, where nobody can go anyway. In fact we are not allowed to travel anywhere at all ~ as I know to my cost after my trip to Cancun was cancelled by British Airways. There is no chance of my recovering the $2,000 I paid for my flights. The schools and universities will not reopen in the New Year, probably until Easter, and all New Year’s celebrations are cancelled. If you’re caught having a party you will be arrested.
Things are so depressing here that I got drunk over Christmas ~ and that did not help at all. Booze never helps anything.
Other bad things happening to me are that I have no heating or hot water because my gas boiler is busted. It’s actually the gas control valve, and if I can’t fix that myself I’ll have no heating nor hot water until well into the New Year. I have a tiny space heater, so I won’t quite freeze even though it’s only 15 degrees Fahrenheit outside, but showering in cold water is going to be no fun at all.
All in all I just hope for much better things in 2021 than we had this year.
Have a Happy New Year everyone. I’ll be toasting the New Year in in apple juice, alone.
love to all
for this New Year
’tis the season of peace on Earth and goodwill to all men
not any more it isn’t
Do you remember Christmases past? The happy anticipation of family visits. The simple pleasure of meeting a few friends in your favourite pub. You can forget all that. Anyone who has any fun this year is going against official government guidelines.
Still, this isn’t a negative song at all.
If you take the lyrics in a Christmas Spirit.
nobody is going anywhere this Christmas
no Christmas please, we’re British
Here in England the government has become infested with a militant scrooge mentality, with a lot of the grinch thrown in. Eighteen million people in London and the South East are now forbidden to see anyone outside of their own households ~ no family Christmas for them.
In London and the South East of England; travel is not allowed, pubs, bars, restaurants, shops, and churches are closed, Christmas fun is forbidden.
Obviously face masks and all the previous lockdowns haven’t worked.
Look forward to a very Merry Christmas Everyone.
Unless you’re English ~ ashes are our lot.
It’ll be lonely this Christmas.
Christmas? Bah Humbug