trusting her is my decision, proving me right is her choice
Everybody lies ~ that’s one of life’s great truths. So, why would I ever want or need to place my trust in another person? I can put things more bluntly; I suffer from a serious mental health problem called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which makes it extremely difficult for me to ever trust anyone, particularly someone that I care for. It’s common for someone with BPD to find it very difficult to trust, even though I may have a deep need for validation from other people. That means I will lash out when I think someone has betrayed me, is betraying me, or might desert me.
Anyone with any personality disorder, especially with BPD, will have a history of very rocky relationships, especially romantic relationships. Borderline Personality Disorder causes constant and extreme mood swings and changes in emotional states, from doting and affectionate one minute, to abusive and pushing your partner away within just a few hours. If you either suffer from that horrible personality disorder, or if you are close to someone who does, you will find that trust comes very hard.
And, why should we trust at all? Why should we ever give another the chance to betray and hurt us? Why should we risk being lied to and deceived?
Things come apart so easily when they have only been held together with lies. ~ Dorothy Allison.
All those with a personality disorder are compulsive liars and deceivers, and most of their relationships end in chaotic and traumatic breakups. This is true until they begin to recover. In recovering from a personality disorder the ‘former sufferer’ will become desperate to create and build trust in all of their relationships ~ and this takes a lot of time.
There are some things that I know I can do;
- Keep to my word and follow through with my actions.
- Learn how to communicate truthfully, openly, and effectively.
- Stop speaking and acting impulsively.
- If I’m wrong, or I’ve made a mistake, then admit it.
- Stop lying and deceiving ~ always be honest with myself and everyone else.
- Do what I believe is right ~ not what is easy or might get me what I want.
- Stop taking people for granted.
Those things kind of look and sound easy ~ they’re not. Earning trust and learning how to trust is one of the most difficult things someone recovering from a personality disorder or an addiction can ever do. But, if life is going to be worth living it’s something I know I have to give of my very best.
Some say deceive me once then shame on you. And, deceive me twice then shame on me. All I know is that you can’t build a good life based on a tissue of lies.
never trust a woman in a mask
Trying to make sense of crazy will drive you crazy.
working late again
There is a truism that everybody lies all the time. People lie the most to those they are closest to, and often tell the honest and open truth to those that don’t matter at all. The lies might be deliberate untruths, or a lie may be not telling the whole truth. A lie by omission is still a lie. Perhaps the biggest and most hurtful lies are when someone you care for just doesn’t tell you anything at all about something important to your relationship.
The biggest lies, the most lies, are about money and sex. Someone who cheats on a partner is going to need to weave an immense tissue of lies. Someone who steals, spends their partner’s money, dissembles, deceives, tricks, and seduces will undoubtedly always have been a liar, and will always be a liar ~ especially they will lie to themselves.
Because liars do not just lie to others, and since they also and always lie to themselves, they often don’t understand honour, honesty, and truth . Trust me I’ve been there, I have compulsively lied to others, told tall tales, lied by omission, and lied to myself. Maybe that was not my fault. For years I suffered from a serious and undiagnosed personality disorder, an emotional illness that I found more than ordinarily difficult to cope with.
Being honest and open takes courage. Finding an acceptable way to tell an uncomfortable truth takes a lot of emotional energy. Letting someone know the real you by telling the unvarnished truth is not something many are prepared to do.
I appreciate people who tell me the truth in a gentle way, even when it’s tough to say. ~ Karen Salmansohn.
Even harder than always telling the truth when asked is being open ~ allowing another person into your comfort zone, letting down the barriers you’ve built precisely to stop others from knowing the real you. Not many are prepared to let anyone else know who they really, really used to be, are now, and their dreams, desires, and wishes for the future. These are the most personal things imaginable, often difficult and painful to even think about, let alone talk of. But it’s precisely because these things in our past, present, and future may be difficult, painful, embarrassing, shaming, and outside of societies accepted ethics that we should be prepared to share them openly and honestly with those we care for the most.
Some say that they never tell a lie, and that is always a lie. And that they never hide the real truth, and that is always untrue. All I know is a a man is never more honest than when he admits himself a liar.
and some people can’t help themselves
they are compulsive liars and always will be
A real woman will be honest no matter how painful the truth is
you can see it in her eyes
learn the dark surprise
there’s a deep disguise
but if you’re really wise
you won’t ever despise
her, just accept the prize
the love her lie implies
men need to believe a woman’s lies
If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed. ~ Hitler
Allegedly there are 8 types of lie ~ that is an oversimplification. I don’t believe that you can simply categorise lies. I believe that there are an infinite number of ways that we lie, and that we are lied to, and that most often we are lied to by omission. People just don’t admit to some things they don’t want us to know.
The slickest way in the world to tell a lie is to tell the right amount of truth at the right time ~ and then shut up. ~ Robert A. Heinlein.
The worst lies of all are those we tell to ourselves, and again mostly these are lies of omission. We refuse to remember some of the bad stuff we have done in our past, and we refuse to admit to ourselves the bad things we fully intend to do in the future. And if anyone asks us about any of that, of course we shall lie and hotly deny our past, present, and probable future sins.
Probably the biggest lie being foisted upon the world at the moment relates to the cause of the fire at the medieval cathedral of Notre-Dame de Paris, which allegedly was an accidental electrical fire, or something like that. I believe that like I believe Parisian women don’t smell of garlic and cigarettes, overlaid with lots of perfume. But if I was a Frenchman in authority, I wouldn’t want to stir up even more sectarian hatred of moslems.
But that matters not one jot. What really matters is how much of the truth we admit to ourselves, and how much of the truth are those we care for telling us.
We should stop expecting loyalty from people who won’t even give us honesty.
if you think you’re being lied to, then you probably are
We live in a world of illusions and fantasies, lies and deceptions.
In my life I have often seen and heard what I wanted to see and hear, not what was really there at all. I was never willing to separate fact from my own fictions, to see what was actually going on around me. And yet, for relationships and connections to endure, reality and truth must be embraced whole-heartedly, one cannot go on looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses.
Consequently I oft-times found myself walking down dead-end streets and staying with totally dysfunctional relationships. I missed the many good opportunities the universe was sending me, any of which could have transformed my life. Being faithful and steadfast is all very well, but not when I was living within a tissue of lies and falsehoods. Being generous and kind is all very well, but not when I was pouring time, money, and love into a bottomless well and receiving little or nothing in return.
Ultimately, my behaviour was negative and destructive of my own self-awareness, self-confidence, and self-esteem. Through not really facing the truth I would become paranoid, suspicious, jealous, frustrated, and angry.
Today I am ready to accept and understand the mistakes of the past, end the chapter, close the book, and allow progress and positive growth to happen. For that I need complete self-honesty and better self-awareness. Only then will real change lift me emotionally and spiritually out of the darkness that sometimes surrounds me ~ washing over me like a cold wave in the depths of a grey autumn.
Parts of my dark psyche still linger from my past negative behaviour; anger, bad temper, marginal propensity to alcoholism, pain, jealousy, frustration, resentments, selfishness, impulsiveness…..
This October, when my opposite and partner star-sign of Libra is in the ascendant, I can see clearly the person I used to be, the person I am now, and the man I shall become. I am more than just the two-dimensional image that stares back at me from the mirror. Now I am wiser, more open and ready to see change in my life. The lessons that must be learned are how to understand and accept the truth and not surrender to illusions.
Some say that change is bad, and today should be the same as yesterday, while tomorrow should be pretty much the same as today. And that they are perfectly happy living mundane and routine lives. All I know is that I can and will separate truth from fiction.
though it may twist and turn, the warrior’s path goes onwards and upwards
It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.
Lies of omission, half-truths, fabrications, exaggerations, deceptions, excuses, white lies, broken promises, black bold-faced lies, or just saying nothing at all.
Lies are easy on social media and by telephone ~ it’s harder to look a person in the eye and tell a black bold-faced lie. Only sociopaths and very practiced deceivers can do that with real conviction. There are plenty of practiced deceivers around.
Hardly anybody trusts anyone anymore. Hardly anyone is committed to truth.
Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters. ~ Albert Einstein.
Mostly I expect people to lie to me, and mostly I don’t care. I have been lied to far too many times to care very much anymore. The cold-hearted people who have lied to me have diminished themselves more than they have hurt me. Now, with few exceptions I do not allow anyone close enough to me for their lies to matter.
Because of all those lies, I do not trust easily anymore. A broken trust is as cold as the sea in winter.
Life is lonely and bitter without trust. Everyone has to trust the one they care for, and when that trust is broken the taste is bitter and hearts grow cold.
Most good relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. ~ Mona Sutphen
A couple of days ago I told a very close friend, my best friend, that I knew she had lied to me. She did not deny the fact ~ how could she? Everybody lies.
What does it matter that she did not deny that she has lied to me?
More importantly, why did I say that I knew she had lied to me? That achieves nothing good in a relationship.
I’m afraid it’s a hangover from my suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, where I sabotaged and destroyed every relationship and friendship I’ve ever had. Telling someone you care for that you know she has lied to you goes a fair way towards destroying a relationship.
I need to do much, much better than that. My friend deserves much much better than that from me. I deserve much better for myself than that kind of stupid comment. It shows no mindfulness whatsoever.
I’m afraid that, because of the inclement weather, I am spending far too much time alone brooding in the garret. It isn’t good for me, and I know I need to walk near the sea and meditate. I know need to accept people as they are, and not expect them to be the way I wish them to be. I need to accept that sometimes there is a good reason that people have lied to me.
The world is as it is, and not as I would wish it to be. But, perhaps with a lot of effort I can turn this situation around and get past my paranoia.
Ladies sometimes behave badly and lie about it afterwards.
Commonplace denial of truths
conspiracy theories masking fictions
black smoke rising as manifest realities
unbearable burden tattered preoccupations
endlessly survived, displacements deprivations
endure prolonged lies fact togetherness separations
careless cheap deceit deception falsehood treachery lies
Commonplace denial of truths and love’s long-lost affections
Commonplace denial of lies
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click on the book for insight
Never lie, never cheat, never steal.
Mostly that doesn’t matter one little bit. Deep down we know when we are being lied to and we act accordingly. Little lies are what makes the world go around. Little lies are the lubrication in relationships. Little lies are what keeps us sane.
I firmly believe that lying is wrong, but I also believe that, in the big scheme of things, little lies may not matter so much.
Big dark lies are destructive, damaging, and dangerous.
Big Lies Matter.
But everybody lies, and that matters when the liars are scientists, doctors, bankers, lawyers, judges, charities, the police, the military, the security services, politicians, prime ministers, and presidents. Big dark lies by the ‘Fat Cats’, and ‘Important People’ ruin lives, affect interest rates, cause financial crashes, get people hurt, and start wars.
This is a nation that has lost the ability to be self-critical, and that makes a lie out of the freedoms. ~ Joni Mitchell
Big dark lies reported in just one newspaper today, (Tuesday April 11th 2017), involve airlines, bankers, more bankers, politicians, more politicians and generals, presidents… And now, we are but a short step and a few lies from WWIII. Take your choice of the spark that starts WWIII, the Middle East, or North Korea?
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. ~ Barbara Bush
You would really think that a President would follow the example of George Washington and be unable to tell a lie.
Big dark lies by the people you care for ruin relationships, imperil your health, imperil your mental health, cost you a fortune, and lead to nasty things like alcoholism, drug addiction, infidelity, domestic violence… A big dark lie by someone you love can kill you. And, thinking your loved one will ever change and stop lying to you is nothing but wishful thinking.
Cheating and lying aren’t struggles, they’re reasons to break up. ~ Patti Callahan Henry
If you catch someone out in a lie, what can you do about it? Almost nothing.
The chances are that if you have caught someone telling a big dark lie it’s because you’ve been investigating them, for example by following their twitter feed, hacking their emails, listening in on their conversations…. and do you want to admit to that? Spying on liars is almost as bad as lying ~ almost.
The only thing you can do about being lied to is know that you are dealing with a liar, and take everything they say with a very large pinch of salt. In other words, when you know someone is a liar, believe nothing they say until you have got yourself some independent proof. All lies, and all liars, get found out eventually.
Besides, leopards never change their spots, and liars don’t ever stop lying. Catch a liar in a lie and they’ll just strive to become better liars in future.
Lying is addictive. And, once a liar, always a liar.
Some liars are so expert they deceive themselves. ~ Austin O’Malley
But you know what? Once you stop believing the lie, it loses all power over you. Once you know someone is a liar, everything they say is just pointless noise.
I’m sorry, what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.
Have a nice day.
Truth, Honour, Honesty ~ In the future I shall live according to these precepts, they are my stairway to serenity and spirituality.
There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting. ~ Buddah
- do not lie to myself ~ face up to the facts
- do not run away from unpleasant truths and negative feelings
- do not set out to deceive
- seek out the truth and the whole truth
- know the whole truth, do not make assumptions or interpretations
- speak and write the truth
- but, do not always tell all of the truth ~ sometimes the whole truth is hurtful
- do not lie by omission
- trust those you trust completely ~ do not half-trust people
- avoid the company of liars
Everybody lies…. every day, every hour, awake, asleep, in his dreams, in his joy, in his mourning. If he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude will convey deception. ~ Mark Twain
Dedication to the truth may be a hard road, but it is the road I must follow to the end.
back behind your fortress wall
I wonder how it could be
you still have secrets from me
and why you always flee
at the first touch of intimacy
you will never be free
of a past you should have left behind
and of those little white lies
until you let me be your true friend
love will wither until it dies
there’s no more, I have given my all
you decide, you can give me a call
words and pictures by jack collier