living with a personality disorder is to live in toxic confusion
Our personalities are made up of how we are programmed to feel, think, and then what we do about those thoughts and feelings. A personality disorder means that your emotions, thoughts, and actions cause devastating and long-lasting problems in your life. I have suffered from a serious personality disorder for most of my life ~ so serious that it qualifies as a severe mental health problem. The symptoms manifest as character defects such as anger, jealousy, paranoia….. in fact just find a list of character defects and from time to time I’ve had them all. There are some more serious symptoms than that, up to and including a 10% chance of suicide.
The only way for me to live a life of genuine and long-lasting happiness and success is for me to work on my character and personality, particularly those areas I’d prefer to hide. Overcoming and eliminating flaws in my character and defects in my personality is not easy ~ trust me it’s
fucking very difficult. I’ve been carrying this personality disorder around with me since my early childhood, and the character defects are hard-wired into who I am, or rather who I was.
Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is who you really are, while your reputation is merely who others think you are. ~ John Wooden.
There are some simple tests that can tell me who I am, and exactly what borderline personality disorder has done to me. However, I have found that I need to constantly watch myself and remember what I see, what have I done that was utterly inappropriate? and why? When do I have to attempt to suppress my emotions? and when do I have to try to hide my true self? What embarrasses me about myself? (other than everything) What changes have I made that worked? and what have I tried to change that completely backfired? or just didn’t work at all?
In moments of anger or stress the uncontrollably negative parts of my personality surface, totally destroying the carefully crafted image of a very cool guy, living a really great life, that I’ve been trying to portray. However, in order to reprogram the defective parts of my subconscious mind I have to constantly ‘act as if’ I am that cool guy ~ it’s a form of self-hypnosis, sometimes called Habituation. It’s acting differently to how I feel.
If you think you may have one of the 9 different personality disorders, then you need help, and your first step is to go and see your doctor. At least you may get a proper diagnosis. Whether or not you ever receive appropriate treatment is another matter ~ medication is inappropriate for many types of personality disorder.
If you are thinking of living with someone who suffers from a personality disorder, I wouldn’t unless you’re prepared to devote lots of time and attention, love and understanding ~ and even then I’d suggest you think twice.
Some say that having a personality disorder is like having third degree burns over 90% of their emotions. And that if they could find a way to check-out without hurting anyone else they would. All I know is that I am recovering from a very serious mental illness.
it would be nice to have multiple personalities
one of them might be happy
The past is not the past, it is never done and gone.
male sexual jealousy is a dragon that will devour your very soul
I only just learned of a condition called Retroactive Jealousy, but it seems as though I’ve suffered from this horrible character defect for much of my life. Now I know that this is a quite common condition that’s also known as retrospective jealousy and retrograde jealousy.
Retroactive Jealousy is having extremely painful thoughts and morbid curiosity over your partner’s / loved one’s past relationships and / or sexual history ~ especially if they went through a very promiscuous phase involving multiple sexual partners or were deeply in love with another or others.
Retroactive Jealousy can lead you to do crazy things; stalk your partner’s social media, check through all their old photographs, post very negative and attacking things about them on your own social media, hire a private detective, park outside their house night after night….. All jealousy is utterly insane and crazy.
It seems that jealousy commonly arises not only about events and thoughts that happen in the present, but also about the past ~ even the past long before we met our current partner.
Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive. ~ Havelock Ellis
Both men and women can suffer terribly from retroactive jealousy, but from very different causes. Men get jealous over their perception of their partner’s sexual history, whereas women get jealous about the other women they believe their partner has been in love with in the past. And, retroactive jealousy only happens in the presence of love. If you are just having a one-night-stand, casual sex, regular sex hookups, or a meaningless fling, then retroactive jealousy will not raise its ugly head. It is only when you begin to really love someone that you might suffer from terrible jealousies about their past.
This is utterly counter-intuitive, because we are conditioned to believe that true love is unconditional, and that we should accept, understand, and cherish our loved one, no matter what. Sadly, this is not how real life works. The past will always affect our deepest emotions, and more often than not things that our partner has done in the past will tear us apart.
It would be impossible to estimate how much time and energy we invest in trying to fix, change and deny our emotions ~ especially the ones that shake us at our very core, like hurt, jealousy, loneliness, shame, rage, and grief. ~ Debbie Ford.
Retroactive Jealousy need not plague you forever, as long as you are prepared to change, as long as you are prepared to put in the hard work ~ but that needs to be the topic of another post.
Some say that you should accept your partner’s past, no matter what it is. And that a competent and self-confident person should be incapable of jealousy in everything. All I know is that there are only two choices about retroactive jealousy; #1 fully accept and understand your partner’s past, #2 walk away and don’t look back.
Always remember that your jealousy is your problem not your partners ~ so deal with it.
if your partner has things like this in her past most men will suffer retroactive jealousy
Sexual Jealousy, that dangerous dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive.
Sexual jealousy is being upset, angry, bitter, resentful, and depressed because someone who you profess to love has been unfaithful, or seems interested in another person, or was involved with others in the past, or you imagine that they are, or were. It isn’t real ~ sexual jealousy is actually caused by insecurity, fear, low self-confidence, low self-esteem, and low self-worth.
My friends, and especially my women friends, used to suffer terribly from my irrational jealousies. My jealousy wasn’t so much fun for me either, it did nothing for me except to make me unhappy and encourage me to get drunk. My jealousy may have been unpleasant for others, but it was an absolute torment for me. Being a miserable, resentful, angry, jealous drunk isn’t marked anywhere on the road to happiness and serenity, but it’s a major waypoint on the road to coming face to face with your own personal, terrifying dragon.
Yet, I was only tormenting myself in fear of being hurt and tormented by someone I thought I cared for ~ if you truly care for someone then jealousy has no place in your heart. Ergo, I did not really care for, far less love, any women I became jealous over. In fact, the best I could say is that I was infatuated. Any man who becomes infatuated over a woman does not value himself, and I was even worse than that, back then I didn’t even like myself.
Men and women are jealous in different ways, and for different reasons ~ typically men will become jealous because of a perceived threat to their ego, masculinity, sexual dominance, and existing relationship. However, women generally become jealous because of the threat to their existing relationship, and not because of their potentially bruised ego.
Any action taken as a result of sexual jealousy is likely to be extremely destructive ~ it will do nothing towards repairing your relationship, nor will it foster a greater understanding between you and your partner. On the contrary, in my case any woman I was involved with would always feel that she was walking on eggshells, and be afraid to be herself in case my jealousy spilled over in to judgementalism, leading to my attacking her verbally and in writing.
Some say that there is never any benefit in being jealous. And, don’t get jealous, just get even. All I know is that if your partner has really done something bad enough to make you insanely jealous, then it’s time you just walked away from that failed relationship.
Angry, Abusive, Controlling, Confrontational, Distrustful, Hate, Insecurities, Intolerant, Possessive, Resentful, Sarcastic, Selfish,
and Fucking Dangerous.
jealousy is just love and hate at the same time
John Lennon could easily have written this song for every real man who has ever lived, up to and including me. Luckily I’m much, much better now.
Please listen responsibly.
jealousy is not cool
that day everything was all right
I needed a reason to kill the light
of joy and happiness in your eyes
and bring darkness into paradise
vicious talk of your earlier guys
your half-truths and your lies
enough reason for another fight
love’s gone, get out of my sight
words and pictures by jack collier
It doesn’t matter if you believe in magic, or not.
What matters is that the magic believes in magic.
There is a magic of the tides, and power in the moon, the stars, and the sea. If you want to rid yourself of something, write its name in the sand on a falling tide, say your prayer and invocation, and the sea will carry whatever you have named away from you.
I no longer suffer from insane jealousies.
Today I had a rising tide in my favour. The rising tide will bring your wish, your prayer, your invocation to you.
Given one prayer, one wish to the Goddess, what should I ask to be brought to me? What would you write in the sand?
I know how this magic works, at least I think I do. What I am certain of is that this magic works for me. And, now I wait.
building upon honesty
carefully growing insanity
painfully embroidering lunacy
impulsively discovering savagery
in solitary misery embracing futility
gallery of lonely angry maddening dismay
strangely hauntingly trusting in past sexuality
in a meadow of dreams we loved, once, with ecstasy
how strange it is, after all that, when she refuses to kiss me
words and pictures by jack collier
I have had a problem with drink for many years. I can stay away from booze for long periods, but eventually I will go back to self-medicating with alcohol.
How to stop this binge drinking has puzzled me, and long seemed an insoluble problem. However, after my last relapse a couple of things have become somewhat clearer. It is now plain to me that my going back to boozing has always followed some crisis of negative emotions.
These negative emotions include irrational feelings of;
Anger, anxiety, bitterness, conceit, depression, disgust, envy, fear, frustration, grief, hatred, jealousy, perfectionism, possessiveness, resentment, righteousness, ruthlessness, sadness, self-hatred, self-pity, shame, unhappiness, and being untrusting.
Usually what I feel is an amalgam of several, or all of these emotions, at one in the same time. Basically I feel angry, anxious and miserable. From some research I have come to believe that the onset of these negative emotions may be the result of attention seeking and drama addiction on my part. For goodness sake, attention seeking is something that one is supposed to grow out of! Maybe when I was younger I discovered that displaying powerful negative emotions were a certain way to get attention?
Brains wired to equate lack if attention as dangerous, naturally respond to it as a threat…. Psychology Today
However, there is one piece of good news. Excessive attention seeking is not considered a character defect, it is usually the result of childhood neglect, (in relative terms).
I suspect the reason compulsive over-eaters, alcoholics and substance abusers are more prone to excess attention seeing and drama addiction is because those populations are more likely to have endured developmental trauma. ~ Billi Gordon Ph.D Psychology Today
There are undoubtedly better strategies for dealing with negative emotions than getting drunk. There are also probably strategies for dealing with an excessive need for attention and drama
Spirituality, meditation, self-control are not strangers to me, so why do I sometimes lose these good things and wallow in anger, depression, jealousy and drink?
What I need to do is find these new coping strategies because drinking is doing me no good at all. My last two, (or was it three), day binge caused a complete memory loss ~ I cannot remember several important events that took place during my latest ‘slip’ as Alcoholics Anonymous call going back to drinking again. As these important life events mostly involved my losing my temper, they are something to be avoided. In the past three months I have also badly hurt myself, twice, while intoxicated.
Psychologists say that there is no actual cure for what may be wrong in my brain. The doctors say the rewiring is permanent, short of invasive surgery, but they also say I can manage my condition. In order to do that am resolved to accept what I am, and love what I have more than what I don’t have. I shall look for the good things in my life and try to accept these negative emotions for what they really are, a dangerous chimera which I can fight with the right strategies.
Life presents itself in constantly changing ways, but you’re able to accept the challenges, rather than recoil, throw up your hands, and go on a binge. Carnie Wilson.
I have realised that I am not my pain. I know I may never beat my problems, but I can ameliorate their dangerous effects. Perhaps instead of binge drinking, I need to do something spiritual, like watching the sunrise over the sea. Perhaps instead of losing my temper I should focus on the good friends I have, and how supportive they have been. All I know is that I will give these new strategies my very best shot, and hope to do better in future.