to be passive is to let others decide for you
Some of you may know that I have been emotionally, mentally, and spiritually sick for quite a while, but that over the last few days I have been recovering from the personality disorder that ails me. I had another sign of that recovery today when I had a couple of very unpleasant situations to deal with, and I dealt with them effectively and assertively.
What I’m going to tell you isn’t something I’ve picked up off the web, or read in a book ~ I guess it harks back to when I operated at the highest levels in the fields of international banking and finance. Today I used that accumulated knowledge, with a little something extra added from my recent life experiences. In short I was extremely assertive and sorted things out without being aggressive.
To be assertive you must first of all make damn certain there is something wrong. To be assertive when there’s nothing actually wrong, or about to go wrong, is just to make yourself look like a jerk.
Then figure out exactly what is is that went wrong, is wrong, is about to go wrong, or just isn’t happening at all.
Find the most senior appropriate person you have access to who might just be able to do something about your issue.
Tell that person succinctly, but with enough detail for them to fully understand, exactly what the problem is.
Tell them exactly what you want them to do about it; just saying ‘I want you to do something about it…..’ is being passive aggressive and not assertive.
Tell them when you expect the appropriate action to have been taken and the results you want to see. Give them a time limit.
Tell them what will happen if they don’t do what you want them to do ~ but don’t threaten violence, that’s just being aggressive.
Tell them again what you’ve just told them, but this time summarise the whole thing in as few words as possible.
To be assertive requires intelligence, energy, determination, and a willingness to go out on a limb. Being assertive does not require aggression, machismo, raised voices, or female seductiveness. Maybe a little charm helps in the right situations.
Assertiveness works to help you get what you want, need, and desire in every single situation you can think of.
I also know how to utterly and completely deflect assertiveness when it’s used on me, but maybe I’ll tell you that another day.
Some say that assertiveness means carrying a big stick. And that assertive people say no to almost everything. All I know is that if I want it enough, true assertiveness will get me everything I desire.
this is not assertiveness
just violence and aggression
A liar will never be believed, even when she speaks the truth.
Everybody lies. Lies are the oil that lubricates the grinding wheels of interpersonal relationships. Most people don’t always want to be told the unvarnished truth, especially by their partner ~ for example being told that you look terrible hurts, even if it is the truth. In a 10-minute conversation the average American will tell two or three lies ~ basically people lie a lot.
There are different kinds of lies, some are small and immaterial, and some are huge, outrageous, and evil. However a lie is still a lie, even if it’s justified as a well-intentioned white lie, or it’s a lie of omission where we just don’t say anything at all about something important.
Some lies are actually criminal fraud. For example;
- lies about your qualifications and work experience on your CV
- Plagiarism, piracy, and passing-off
- creating false paperwork to obtain a loan, drivers licence, passport, etc.
- using false information to complete official forms, for example health insurance
It seems that many people are happy to live with lies like this, telling themselves that it’s just a clever way to beat the system. Do or say whatever you like, but if you go down this road your life will be a fake. And, at some point you may get into serious trouble. As an example, a contract of insurance is a contract uberrimae fidei, (of utmost good faith), if you don’t tell the whole truth on an insurance document the whole thing is null and void. Your insurance company can refuse your claims, and reclaim any past claims you have made.
If you do lie and cheat, just be ready for the consequences because eventually you will be caught out. Your fantastic house of cards will just fall apart. The thing about lying is that you can never know with certainty the risk of being discovered or the severity of the consequences. Lie in a relationship and you’ll probably get dumped. Lie in a marriage and you will probably get divorced.
Some say that there’s a fool born every minute. And that women make the best liars. All I know is that some truths are best left unsaid.
lovers often lie to each other
and to their husbands and wives
Women are often very difficult to impress.
my words are banal, she’s heard it all before
yet my words are very true, I really do care for her
I’m pouring my whole heart away, wish I could find more
memorable originality, honesty, sincere Shakespearian prose
to convince her that I’m not just some other lustful jerk in a bar
Sorry is not enough ~ sometimes you have to change.
What is a real and genuine apology? It’s an acknowledgement and acceptance that one has done something wrong. An apology is also an acceptance and acknowledgement of responsibility for the hurt one has caused, and a pledge to change one’s ways in the future. A real and genuine apology is an expression of guilt, regret, remorse, and a pledge to try harder to do better in the future. A real and genuine apology is not merely a platitude in order to placate the aggrieved party.
Feeling guilty is not a substitute for loving somebody; it is only an indicator that you have failed to love somebody. ~ Clifford Cohen.
Sometimes just saying that you’re sorry will not do. Ofttimes an apology is only an empty gesture made to ‘keep the peace’. Sometimes the things that we do and say, the books we read, the movies we like, the people we listen to, sometimes these things reveal a deeper truth and our glib apologies are shown for the fatuous banalities they so often are. An oft quoted line from John Wayne movies is; ‘Never apologise, mister, it’s a sign of weakness…’ A greater truth would have been if his character had said; ‘Never apologise, mister, it’s meaningless…’
If we are truly dedicated to the truth, and if we have good inside us, then we should never need to apologise, because we will never do anything so bad that we need to say ‘sorry…’ However, we Englishmen are prone to apologise, to say sorry all the time. If you tread on my toe, I will naturally say sorry. If you barge into me because you’re not looking where you’re going, I will naturally say sorry. Any English Gentleman of my generation has been brought up to be polite, to always show exemplary manners, to show women and girls the utmost respect. To mind one’s language, never swear in front of women and children, to be careful of the topics we discuss for fear of giving offence. And, an Englishman should never, ever, talk about; God, women we have ‘known’, how much money we make, and politics ~ not even with our closest friends. Englishmen regard politicians with utter contempt, and we extend that contempt to anyone who dares to lecture us on religion, or political matters, or how to make money, or how to be successful with women, or what the English do ‘wrong’.
A side effect of the English ideal of ‘Good Manners’ is that we look askance at most American men, and would rather not include any boorish American men in our circle of friends. The average Englishman doesn’t think the average American guy is a ‘good person’. Sometimes this means that even a cool, calm, patiently understanding Englishman will get angry with Americans. Recently we Englishmen have been quite annoyed / furious at Clinton, (both of them), Obama, Trump, Meryl Streep, and anyone who dares to lecture us about terrorism on English soil. Conversely, of English politicians we like Boris Johnson, (whom most Americans dislike intensely).
In order to rise from its own ashes, a phoenix must first burn. ~ Octavia E. Butler.
If an Englishman does get angry, then usually, after a while, his innate ‘good common-sense’ returns like a phoenix rising from the ashes, and he will attempt to rebuild burned bridges, to forgive and forget, to understand and accept. Disagreeing with the things people say, and then getting angry about it, is not the mark of a good man. There is a saying; ‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the Death your right to say it…’ Voltaire I think. I prefer the pithier and more honest; ‘You’re right, but I don’t agree…’ We may have to dig deep, but a real English Gentleman will eventually find the fountain of good within himself.
Look within. Within is the fountain of good, and it will ever bubble up if thou wilt ever dig. ~ Marcus Aurelius
I may like, care about, and respect some people in spite of their opinions, the things they do, the things they have done, and the things they are planning to do ~ even if I am hurt or profoundly disagree with their opinions and actions. After all, I cannot change what happens to me, I can only change how I respond and react. It matters not one iota whether another person ever feels the need to apologise when they have clearly been wrong and hurtful ~ after all, one should never apologise, it’s meaningless.