I close my eyes to false friends, and open my heart to new beginnings.
Those of us who march to the sound of a different drum believe that December 20th was the real New Year’s Eve.
But, what happened this Year that’s worth remembering?
- Despite what the ‘global warming’ fools said the world did not end.
And that was just about it.
Personally I discovered the real me, decided that I don’t need a woman to validate that, and resolved to part with anyone who thinks they have a claim on my life.
So, next year is a clean slate. No relationships, no lies, and no promises.
But that does not include Marmaduke
Being alone should hold no terrors for a man.
It’s pretty unlikely that I’m ever going to be stranded on a desert island, get lost in the jungle, or dumped in the middle of the outback. But, I’ve been lost and alone in an urban jungle many, many times. Today, as I write this I’m alone in my apartment with some cool music playing on my hi-fi ~ I’m alone in a modern jungle and I know that every single day I will need all of my hard-learned skills to survive and prosper.
The very, very first hard lesson I learned about being alone and lonely is that staying locked up in one’s own home, bolting the door, and nailing it shut, does not help at all. Doing your shopping at two in the morning at the all-night supermarket, only interacting with other people via the internet, never opening one’s post ~ well that’s just pathetic. However tempting it may be to utterly cut oneself off from the world, it’s not a good plan.
What I learned was;
- Stop drinking. Booze just makes everything much worse.
- Don’t spend money you don’t have, and never borrow a penny.
- Don’t gamble. Gambling is for suckers and sluts. The house always wins in the end.
- Get out of bed, get showered, shaved, shampoo your hair, get dressed in clean clothes.
- Junk all the rags you’ve been wearing for years, go shopping and buy some stylish new stuff. Don’t shop in thrift / goodwill stores because you will look like a used tramp.
- Get some fresh air and exercise, every single day. Start by forcing yourself to walk for an hour a day. Then force yourself to do the 10,000 steps a day thing, and maybe go to the gym 3 or 4 days a week.
- Go travelling into the sunshine.
- Talk to people. Especially a guy should talk to women ~ and not in a creepy way.
- Do something creative. I write this blog.
Life can be good, no matter what has gone before. But the thing is, you have to show up. Mostly Life will not come to you, mostly you have to at least meet Life half way.
Today I am a very cool guy, living a great life. And you know why that is? Because I say it is.
fly me away
Love can be the infinite curse of a true heart.
If you believe that you love someone, then there’s no rhyme or reason about the way you think, feel, or behave. All of your various emotional and happiness chemicals just take over. Scientists say that there are 4 sets of these; dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and the endorphins which accentuate the effects of everything else. But, you have to add to that a whole bunch of other mind – brain – body stuff happening when you think you’re in love ~ such as an adrenaline rush every now and again. Add to that not eating, not sleeping, and drinking too much, and no wonder we get messed up when we believe we are in love, (or we are consumed by desire).
Our own default subconscious personality type also has a big part to play. For most of my life I suffered from an intense fear of abandonment caused by a serious psychological illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. This fear of abandonment thing either makes you utterly destroy a relationship you’re in, or hang on to a dysfunctional relationship long past the point you should have called it a day and walked away.
So this deep interest in / deep affection for / sexual desire for a particular person caused me no end of problems, because none of it was real. Multiply that by several women over time and you can see how a polite and generous Englishman could become seriously screwed up. And ‘screwed up’ is putting it very mildly.
If I tried I could probably work out how much these false love affairs / relationships / marriage had cost me in time, money and lost opportunities, but being a banker I’ll make a stab at how much ‘being in love’ has cost me in hard cash over the years. Roughly, to the nearest $100,000 ~ about $2.75 million. Thinking I was in love, with the wrong woman, has cost me more than most people will earn in a lifetime.
And what did I get in return? Bad sex.
Ah well, t’was ever thus. A fool and his money are soon parted.
you would think I should have learned my lesson by now
There is no such thing as ultimate truth, truth is what we make it.
Why do you think the world is so complicated? Why are our lives so difficult? Why do we become addicted, angry, depressed, ill, stressed? Why do we fall in and out of love? Why do we love those who don’t love us?
If Einstein and other deep thinkers are to be believed, none of it is real anyway.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~ Albert Einstein.
Einstein’s words reveal a deeper truth. Everything we feel, see, hear, touch, and taste is within our own minds. All of our innermost emotions and all of our truths exist only within our own minds. Even the deepest emotions such as fear and love are created within us. We actually have to learn to see and hear. We have to learn to fear fire, snakes, lions, and abandonment. We learn to love and we learn to hate somewhere before we are seven years of age, and then we spend the rest of our lives perfecting those emotions, up to the point that they can destroy us.
The deepest feelings we build within ourselves can destroy us, just as Dr. Frankenstein was destroyed by the monster he created.
There is a truism heard within 12-step meetings such as Alcoholics Anonymous;
Most folks are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be. ~ Abraham Lincoln, (allegedly).
Thus it follows that most folks can be just as addicted, angry, depressed, ill, stressed….. as they make up their minds to be. For sure most people can be just as in love, or not in love as they really want to be.
But, and as Shakespeare said; ‘therein lies the rub’. Reality is a habit, it’s what we accept, it’s what we’re used to, it’s what works for us right now. So, if you’re an alcoholic it really is just a habit, albeit one that’s killing you, and something about that habit works for you right now.
Changing a deep-set habit is
fucking damn difficult. In fact your whole life is a set of deep-rooted habits, and changing all those really is fucking difficult.
But I’ve done it. I changed my whole life and all of my ways of thinking around by believing these few words I said to myself; ‘I am a really cool guy, living a great life.’
If you are prepared to do whatever it takes you can change your whole life, including what is true or false.
Your reality is what you make it
the value of money is illusory
cash has no real intrinsic value other than that which we give it
Some people are naturally thoughtless and insensitive.
Here are some things they do that annoy and upset me, especially at Yuletide;
- Say to an Englishman; ‘Have a Nice Day…..’ just how meaninglessly idiotic and uncaring is that?
- Ride a bicycle on a footpath….. it’s stupid and dangerous.
- Think that sending Christmas Cards is just a waste of their time.
- Think the Holiday Season is completely insincere and pointless.
- Idiots who let their dogs foul footpaths, parks, and streets ~ without properly clearing up afterwards.
- Smokers who just litter their used matches and butts.
- Inebriated people who think what they say is at all interesting.
- Younger people who drive a German car ~ more often than not they are very aggressive and very bad drivers.
- People who play their in-car music too loud, with a widow open.
- Writing a blog post like this is not cool ~ but as it goes, I was a little annoyed.
And finally, and especially, the criminal imbeciles who think it’s fun to fly a radio-controlled drone anywhere near an airport, or aircraft. If you do that in England you will go to prison for 5 years.
Those kinds of things are apt to turn me from a cool and kind, Dr. Jekyll sort of guy into a very angry and dangerous Mr. Hyde.
read the book
Mr. Hyde was far more dangerous than ever portrayed in a movie
Don’t ever let the light of your soul dim,
even if the world seems black and white.
I like women in monochrome.
Maybe I just like women
An Island in the sun takes a man away from his cares and woes.
Next time I need a cool girl to take on a long bike ride around the island.
I like American women. They do things that French women never do ~ like showering.
It occurs to me that my expectations are usually way off what is likely to happen, my manners and mores are ridiculously old-fashioned, and my standards are way too high for any girl to reasonably meet. Does that make me wrong, or stupid, or just English?
Being an older English guy isn’t always a bed of roses. And being a cool English guy in the USA can make one realise why England and America are two countries separated by a common language. More than half the time American woman have no idea what the
fuck hell I’m talking about.
On the other hand, dating an American woman is so much better than dating a Parisienne girl. Body odour and the smell of cigarette smoke tend to follow them around like a personal raincloud.
I love American women. Just not necessarily in New York.
the circle line is cool too
What happens on vacation, stays on vacation…..
On vacation in a pretty nice hotel, six of us decided to find the very worst dive on Lanzerote. Although it didn’t start out like that. It started out as an ordinarily normal evening in an hotel bar. And then we went out and caught a bus.
The bus driver got so fed up with the 3 women trying to pay in 20 Euro notes that he just waved us on board, and then made us all get off at the end of the line. Where we found the very worst dive on the Island.
There was an ugly Spanish guy behind the bar, the black guitarist, and two other bewildered looking customers. Without asking the barman brought all the women caramel vodkas, and then again, and again.
The guitarist was damn good! He played all of ‘classical gas’. Mind you he could have used a haircut, a wash, and a shave, a change of clothes, and a better attitude.
So there was a sing-along of beatles, stones, and the who. After 4 or 5 caramel vodkas women cannot sing.
And then it went pear-shaped My female temporary friend demanded that the guitarist play Norwegian Wood. Not going to happen. But it did
Eventually I went back to the hotel, walking, took me an hour. My friends did not show up for breakfast. I do not want to know what happened. I guessed.
Stop comparing yourself to other people, you’re supposed to be unique.
We are all very different. We each have our own unique personalities, our different wants, needs, dreams, and desires. And yet so often we try to ‘fit in’, trying to conform to the model that our families, friends, and co-workers expect us to be. We try to conform in work meetings, in social gatherings, and with our families. We seem to dress like others, speak like the people around us, and have similar opinions to our colleagues. We go to the same places, week after week, and year after year. In other words, ‘we play it safe’.
For many people there seems to be an inbuilt compulsion to be one of ‘the tribe’, as though being a loner or outsider is dangerous and wrong. But, being one of the tribe means that we have to give up some of our uniqueness and individuality. Worse than that, in every gathering, group, family, bunch of co-workers, there always seems to be a self-appointed leader who, by one means or another, makes the decisions and tells everyone else what to do.
Just how much of your freedom do you surrender when you are part of a group? How many of your unique wants, needs, dreams, and desires do you have to give up just to fit in?
For a week, when I was on vacation in Lanzerote, I became part of a small group. We ate together, talked, and drank together. And, that was pretty cool because it sucks to be completely alone when one is on vacation in an hotel in an utterly strange place.
But, I did go off on my own, a lot. And, while the others in the group shared the kind of secrets you only share with a stranger you are confident that you will never meet again, I talked a bit and shared bugger-all.
I prefer to be a loner, solitary, and unique. And, if my close friends don’t like that, well, ‘have a nice day’.
Some say that it’s only being utterly alone that lets a man know himself. And, that if you don’t like your own company, how can you possibly like anyone else? All I know is that sometimes I prefer to be uniquely alone.
I love the desert