senza una donna, e quanto è lontana, e sono senza unna donna
A very cool, tough, strong, grounded, together, harder, tougher, sensitive, wiser, self-confident, and self-aware guy doesn’t need a woman to make him happy. Not much.
Not so long ago a woman almost broke me, physically, mentally, emotionally spiritually. Luckily I’m over her now. But not much
Please listen responsibly.
she hurt him with her lovely eyes
you don’t lie to the person that you love
she was carnal
and I truly adored her
I never knew the real woman
she walked on eggshells around me
why do I adore a false chimera, an avatar?
and she never tells the truth
let today be the day I stop being haunted by the ghosts of the past
black lonely desolate
There are some thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and people that I no longer want to be part of my life ~ especially not this different life I am living today, the different and better life I have known since The Full Wolf Moon. I look in the mirror and the eyes that look back at me are far to hard and brittle, too guarded, too untrusting for the man I wish to become. Some of that is the product of my whole life, and some of it comes from what was a dysfunctional relationship, where I felt that I was giving far more than I received in return.
Truth be told, relationships are not supposed to be like that, if it’s going to work well a relationship between a man and a woman should have balance and harmony, what we are pleased to call ‘give and take’. And, truth be told my bitterness and resentments are my own, they don’t belong to anyone else, and nobody else could have created them in me. Like each and every single thing that happens to us, my negative feelings are things that I did to myself. Nothing happens to us unless we allow it, up to and including being the victim of a natural disaster. Nobody forced you to live in an earthquake zone, or where there are wildfires, and nobody forced the passengers to get on the Titanic.
Specifically my bitterness and resentments were created by some relationships I chose to enter into, and then I stayed in those relationships long past the time I should have just walked away without looking back. Some people are toxic, and while people may change, the memory of that toxicity will live on…..
I do not want any of that in my life, so how do I change it? And I have no fucking idea about how to turn that around, to lose the bitterness and resentments, to lose the memories of toxic and dysfunctional relationships, to begin to innocently trust again. I’m trying to find a way, and there’s nothing there.
All I can do is tell my conscious mind that I want a lighter and more innocent set of thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. I want to only ever remember the good things about relationships past and present, I want to regain my sense of trust, my feeling of fun, my joy in the people I know. I want to be in a place where I truly accept, understand, nurture, and cherish those I profess to care for. I want my unconscious mind to pay attention and change my own hard-wired feelings and beliefs for something far better.
Some say, once bitten twice shy. And fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. All I know is that I would rather be an innocent fool than a guy with very hard eyes.
a new dawn
a new hope
he loved her against all reason, against all hope, against happiness
I remember when Leo Sayer used to sing wearing a Pierrot costume. I thought that was pretty cool, at the time. But have you ever been in love…..?
I know all there is to know about unrequited love. It hurts.
Please listen with compassion.
the tears of a clown
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
and you’re not in this world to live up to mine
I didn’t expect her to do that at the dinner table
One of the reasons my life was such a mess was that I had some expectations from a relationship that were no longer being met. I was and am far too attached to a woman, and being in love with a woman always leads to expectations, and in my experience expectations always leads to bitter disappointments. Those disappointments were making me very confused, is it infatuation, lust, desire, love, an emotional need, or a dysfunctional friendship? And how does a normal guy find a way through that Dionysian maze?
Expectation is the root of all heartache. ~ Shakespeare
No matter how hard I tried I could not free myself of the expectation that I deserved an emotional, sensual and sexual friendship where the love I thought I felt was returned freely and fully. That is the big danger of having expectations, often they are unrealistic, often they lead us to believe that we deserve something or someone, and quite often our expectations are a million miles from the reality of any given situation.
Also expectations are passive, we don’t need to actually do anything to have huge expectations. Expectations are the result of feelings, and I should know that feelings are often false and the result of twisted programming hard wired into our subconscious mind before we were seven years of age. Feelings are not real, and our feelings often have fuck all to do with what’s going on in the real world.
We should never blame people for disappointing us, we should blame ourselves for expecting too much from them, or expecting things from them that they can’t give to us, or don’t want to give us. We should never blame others for our own negative feelings of anger, jealousy, misery, resentment, sadness….. Our feelings belong only to ourselves, we should own them, and if our feelings are distressing us don’t try to change the world, that’s too difficult, we should change ourselves instead.
Expectations can be as trivial as expecting a nice day, as important as expecting a pay rise at work, or as destructive as thinking you love someone who doesn’t love you. Unrequited love is incredibly painful, trust me, I know.
We always want what we can’t have, life is so cruel that way.
Some say that if we don’t expect the good things from life then all we will ever get is dross. And that we have a right to expect to get what we want the most. All I know is that I’m still trying to find a way to stop loving someone. You’d think a man would know.
and I expected a great beach-front hotel
it takes strength and courage to admit the whole truth
You may be aware that in the last few days I have undergone something of a transformation, and it seems the man I have become has a dedication to truth, honesty, and openness. That is not necessarily a completely good thing. Already I have found that there are innumerable situations where complete honesty wouldn’t be appropriate. If someone is promulgating a web of lies about who and what they really are, it seems to me that it’s better if I ignore all that, keep quiet, and allow them to live their life of sad, dishonest, illusions, and delusions.
Hell, for all of my life I lived as versions of me that were only mostly true. That was not my fault, maternal neglect can have a negative effect on your whole life.
If someone wants to hide what they did in their past, and never mention the reprehensible things they have done to give the impression that they are someone and something that they are not and never have been, then maybe it’s better that I ignore that too. After all, if someone is mostly hiding their past, then it means they don’t want others to know about it, including me.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped and packaged boxes full of fucking shit.
In general, if someone is hiding their past it either means they are ashamed of it, or scared of your reaction if they tell you about it. Hiding or denying your past doesn’t work, because sometime, somewhere, someday, somehow you will come up against someone who knows all about you. And the chances are they will tell your new and innocent friend just exactly who and what you used to be ~ either by accident or on purpose.
There are lots of reasons people hide or deny their past, or even who they really are right now; alcoholism, criminality, unpaid debts, drug taking, promiscuity, prostitution, sexual deviance, marriage, children….. But, all of these things are matters of public record, and you can hide none of the above for very long.
I will throw out one piece of advice, don’t lie to me unless you’re absolutely certain I will never find the truth. And even in the days of my crazy alter-egos of myself, I always found the truth.
Mean and toxic people don’t bother me. Mean and toxic people who disguise themselves as nice and honest people bother me a lot. ~ Cindy Cummings Johnson
Some say that everybody lies. And that if someone is hiding their past, then they must have a damn good reason. All I know is that liars need a very good memory, and most people have very poor memories.
every time you tell another lie you handcuff yourself just a little tighter
change your thoughts and beliefs, change your whole life
After The Wolf Moon I took all the negativity, shame, and inferiority my parents had given me and let it all go into the mists of the past. I took all the hurt of my life, the bullying, the failures, the lost loves, the toxic love affairs and let all that go into the mists of the past. And then I took all of those false versions of myself, all of the chimera I had created to cope with life, all of the players I used to deal with different people in different situations and let all of those vanish into the mists of the past too. And what was left was just myself ~ the person I had never been allowed to be, the man I’d never dared to be.
Unless you are an insane sociopath, then each and everyone of us has a subconscious filled with negative, poisonous, unhelpful memories, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. We did not create these demons all on our own, we had a lot of help. Before we were seven years of age our parents, older siblings, aunts, uncles and older cousins, teachers, and every other fucking person in authority we came across planted all of these poisons in our innocent minds. Since then, every negative situation we endured, especially when it comes to love and sex, fed and strengthened those demons. And then the demons ruled our lives.
I can look back now, dispassionately, honestly, openly, and fully recognise what my demons did to my life, how they destroyed everything that could have been good and fine, and led me down a darker road. I did my best to walk the warrior’s path with honour and chivalry, but I was doomed to failure as long as the demons of my past ruled my every thought, belief, behaviours, words, and deeds.
And so I tried to escape the pain through some very impulsive and stupid things, especially I retreated into booze. If life got too hard for me to bear I would get drunk, and I don’t mean just a little bit tipsy, I mean lost weekend drunk. You know what? If you drink a lot then your body, brain, mind, heart, and soul come to expect and need alcohol in your bloodstream ~ which is why alcoholics can almost never, ever get sober. I was in severe danger of drinking myself to death, and I didn’t fucking care.
And then there was The Wolf Moon, a time of renewal, redemption and rebirth, when the very fortunate may just receive some kind of message, and the message I got from my Goddess was Be Yourself.
And that leaves me with a question, just who am I?
my demons are locked away
set your course by your bright guiding light
My ship was sinking
I was lost and alone
on the savage seas
inside my own mind
I could be very blind
and viciously unkind
dishonest and drinking
feeling fear and dread
then your bright light
pierced fog and gloom
shining far out to me
guiding me home
my guiding light shines
and one man in his time plays many parts
The most profound truths sometimes come in a very simple message, and the message I had at the exact time of the Full Wolf Moon last evening was; Be Yourself. And the strange thing is I know exactly what that means to me.
I have had a lot of practice at being half a hundred other people, of wearing a mask, of fitting-in, playing the role I was expected to play ~ but I can’t ever remember being myself. It’s always been too dangerous.
However, from this time on I will no longer be the Man people expect me to be, I will no longer play the role I am expected to play. This is a new road, towards a new horizon, walked by a man different to the man I was before, and the man I was before was never me.
For the past few days I have been struggling with who I used to be, and the knowledge that I both wanted and needed to be a different man living a different life. But I didn’t know what, why, when, how, nor where, nor who. I had the need, the desire, I wanted to be both different and better, but I didn’t have a direction, nor did I have a plan. For some reason I knew things were going to change soon.
Then yesterday I learned that there was going to be a Wolf Moon, and that it was going to mean things to me ~ I wrote about that.
Last evening I darkened the garret save for some appropriately scented candles, put on some atmospheric music, and sat myself down to wait, my mind open, my heart and brain in harmony. And at just about 19:21 hrs, the exact time of the full moon, I received the strongest possible message, and I knew it was right and I knew exactly what it meant.
Do you know there is a vocal refrain in the opening track from the Enya album The Memory of Trees? Do you know what that repeated refrain is? It’s Be Yourself.
I heard that and I understood.
I will not be the man in the mirror anymore. I will not be a different guy with different people in different situations. I will no longer be a people-pleaser, nor will I be a macho-man, nor devil-may-care, or the life and soul of the party, or a boyfriend, good citizen….. All of the dozens of roles we play day by day, and all of the different acts we put on, will be left behind. For playing all of those roles was making me very sick, because I believed them and they were all false. From now on I shall be myself, and only myself.
Some say they have lost their sense of identity. And that their career has taken over their lives. All I know is I will stand alone and I will be myself.
today there is a new horizon
I was a wolf, and she was my moon.
Here in England the first full moon of 2020 occurs at 19:21 hrs on January 10th, and the January full moon is known as The Wolf Moon. There will also be a full lunar eclipse. Leaving aside the astronomy; at this time I need to be communicative, expressive, honourable, objective, and resourceful. I need to consider my options and opportunities in life. This is the end of a journey that began years ago, a time to release something that up until now I was not ready to let go of, so I also need to look deeply inward..
This full moon I will release any energy, attachments, thoughts, emotions, and relationships that no longer serve my best interests. People, places, and things that have been toxic for me will no longer be part of my life. In time I will set new intentions and develop a different life from that which has gone before.
I release all the things from my past that have caused my negative attachments. I prepare and welcome new changes, new lessons, and new adventures. I welcome new opportunities to grow physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Some say there are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. And that only a true wolf will fall in love with the moon. All I know is that just because I’m on a different path, it doesn’t mean I’m lost.
it’s time for me to take a hard look at relationships
(Funny how things work out. Until I read Rhapsody Boheme’s blog today I didn’t even know there was a full moon tonight. And yet, if you have been reading my blog over the past few days you will know that the spiritual significance of this Wolf Moon is exactly where I am in my life’s journey.)