Tag Archives: interpersonal relationships

Recovering from Retroactive Jealousy

I get jealous, I get mad, I get curious ~ that’s only because I care

jealousy is always, always, ultimately destructive

Yesterday I posted some stuff about Retroactive Jealousy, which seems to be the most disturbing, counter-intuitive, difficult to comprehend, painful psychological condition anyone could suffer from.  Jealousy drove me to drink and thoughts of suicide.  But, how to get over this life-destroying problem, just how does one recover from jealousy over your partner’s past?

Retroactive Jealousy is a serious mental disorder, which means that your jealousy is not really part of you, it’s your mental illness driving you into painfully insane thoughts and actions.  Your jealousy may not be you, it might be obsessions and compulsions which arise from a medical disease, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

Do not make the mistake of waiting passively for the jealousy, and the insane urges to do something crazy to just go away.  By something crazy I mean getting drunk a lot, stalking your partner’s social media, spying on your partner, committing suicide…..  If you suffer from retroactive jealousy the worst thing you can do is nothing ~ the most important thing is to do something, see a psychiatrist, talk to your sponsor in whatever 12 step group you attend, watch some appropriate podcasts on YouTube, read a useful book ~ Brain Lock might be helpful, as might The Road Less Travelled.  DO NOT ever talk with your partner about this ~ that is the very worst thing you can do, it’s like an alcoholic taking just one more drink, there is no relief to be found there.

Talking with your partner about their past, the past that you suffer crazy jealousies about, is just another way of harming yourself ~ and in any event your partner will probably lie, deny, and minimise what they did in their past.  There is no truth and no recovery to be found in talking things over with your partner.

To recover from retroactive jealousy you have to put in some very hard work.  And the first step is to admit that you have a real and life-destroying problem.  And then you have to consider Desire, Wants, Needs, and Love.

Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness, of hatred, of jealousy, and, most easily of all, the gate of fear.  ~  Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

The accepted prerequisite for anyone to suffer from Retroactive Jealousy is that they must both love and need their partner, or at least firmly believe that they both love and need their partner.  There can be no retroactive jealousy unless you first deeply care about someone.  Ergo, one sure cure for this horrible condition is to stop needing and loving him or her.  Face it, why would you love someone who has done things which hurt you so deeply, perhaps things that disgust you?  That really is counter intuitive, so to stop hurting, just stop loving.

Another way to cure retroactive jealousy is to just walk away ~ leave your partner, never look back, and then completely forget them.  Mark the time you spent with him or her as the biggest mistake of your life, and move on.

Or, put yourself into months and years of really painful therapy.

How am I recovering from Retroactive Jealousy?  I’ve stopped needing.  The truly self-aware and self-reliant man has no neediness.

Some say that real men don’t suffer from jealousy.  And that being jealous only shows up your own inadequacies.  All I know is that the insanity of being jealous of the past almost killed me.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

falling in love with a centerfold is maybe not the best idea a guy could ever have

 

Retroactive Jealousy

The past is not the past, it is never done and gone.

male sexual jealousy is a dragon that will devour your very soul

I only just learned of a condition called Retroactive Jealousy, but it seems as though I’ve suffered from this horrible character defect for much of my life.  Now I know that this is a quite common condition that’s also known as retrospective jealousy and retrograde jealousy.

Retroactive Jealousy is having extremely painful thoughts and morbid curiosity over your partner’s / loved one’s past relationships and / or sexual history ~ especially if they went through a very promiscuous phase involving multiple sexual partners or were deeply in love with another or others.

Retroactive Jealousy can lead you to do crazy things; stalk your partner’s social media, check through all their old photographs, post very negative and attacking things about them on your own social media, hire a private detective, park outside their house night after night…..  All jealousy is utterly insane and crazy.

It seems that jealousy commonly arises not only about events and thoughts that happen in the present, but also about the past ~ even the past long before we met our current partner.

Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.  ~  Havelock Ellis

Both men and women can suffer terribly from retroactive jealousy, but from very different causes.  Men get jealous over their perception of their partner’s sexual history, whereas women get jealous about the other women they believe their partner has been in love with in the past.  And, retroactive jealousy only happens in the presence of love.  If you are just having a one-night-stand, casual sex, regular sex hookups, or a meaningless fling, then retroactive jealousy will not raise its ugly head.  It is only when you begin to really love someone that you might suffer from terrible jealousies about their past.

This is utterly counter-intuitive, because we are conditioned to believe that true love is unconditional, and that we should accept, understand, and cherish our loved one, no matter what.  Sadly, this is not how real life works.  The past will always affect our deepest emotions, and more often than not things that our partner has done in the past will tear us apart.

It would be impossible to estimate how much time and energy we invest in trying to fix, change and deny our emotions ~ especially the ones that shake us at our very core, like hurt, jealousy, loneliness, shame, rage, and grief.  ~  Debbie Ford.

Retroactive Jealousy need not plague you forever, as long as you are prepared to change, as long as you are prepared to put in the hard work ~ but that needs to be the topic of another post.

Some say that you should accept your partner’s past, no matter what it is.  And that a competent and self-confident person should be incapable of jealousy in everything.  All I know is that there are only two choices about retroactive jealousy; #1 fully accept and understand your partner’s past, #2 walk away and don’t look back.

Always remember that your jealousy is your problem not your partners ~ so deal with it.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

if your partner has things like this in her past most men will suffer retroactive jealousy

The Meaning of Sincerity

women go where they find sincerity, authenticity, and masculinity

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masculinity

gravitas solemnity

calmness and serenity

manners decorum dignity

mindfulness resolve nobility

decisiveness determined sobriety

illnesses disorder recovery adaptability

finally sincerity strength courage reliability

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

why are all the very cool guys fictional?

Rules of Attraction

nice people don’t necessarily fall in love with nice people

nice guys sometimes fall for a vixen

If we assume that you’re not the hottest, sexiest, fittest man or woman on the planet, then how do you attract a date, build a relationship, or find a partner?  Some guys and girls, despite their best efforts, have a lot of trouble attracting others.

Attraction is a very complex biological and psychological process, and it all happens in a few seconds.  Within 30 seconds or so of meeting someone you will know if you are attracted to them or not, and so will they, and you will both know is there is any chemistry between the pair of you.  Some relationships do develop over time, but that calls for two remarkable people.

Girls will be more attractive to men if they smile, whereas guys should hold off with that meaningless grin ~ save it for when you really have something to smile about.  Women are attracted to serious, thoughtful, alpha males, and alpha males don’t wear an inane grin.

Sadly, your body type is the most important thing about you when it comes to your attractiveness to the other sex.  Women prefer taller men with with a hunter body type, broad shoulders, deep chest, and slim hips.  A beer belly is a huge turn off for most women.  Men are conditioned to prefer women with a slimmer waist and obvious curves.  Women who are 20 pounds overweight will find it much harder to attract another, than will a slimmer girl.  This is good news for women, because all they need to do to make themselves much more attractive is to lose weight, (but wearing tall heels makes a woman look as though she’s slimmer, and most men find stiletto heels very sexy.)  It’s very bad news for men, because it’s almost impossible for a guy to become taller.  However men should always stand tall, don’t ever slouch or become round-shouldered, keep a straight back, pull that gut in, and clench your butt cheeks ~ and you might just look a bit taller.

You might think that you are in control when it comes to attraction, desire, lust, love ~ but you’re not.  It’s your subconsciousness that’s running things when it comes to the opposite sex, and your subconscious is as primitive and powerful as a mountain gorilla.  Unless you work hard at it, then attraction is just hormones and the automatic subconscious rules and programs that control your behaviour 95% of the time.

The basics of attraction are; smell good, look as good as you possibly can, (wear something red), don’t be needy, be interested and interesting, and if there’s no chemistry after a couple of minutes then perhaps just walk away and find someone else.

Some say that your attractiveness to the opposite sex is all about looks.  And that you can’t turn a needy jerk into James Bond.  All I know is that if there’s no instant desire, then it’s probably never going to happen.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

women look much slimmer and a lot sexier in stiletto heels

Building Self-Confidence

If you believe in yourself and feel confident in yourself, you can do just about anything.

acting utterly self-confident

Self-confidence is all about being comfortable and happy with who you are ~ trusting in one’s own abilities, qualities, and judgement.  It’s about being OK with what you are doing and where you are heading.  It’s not about going into a room full of people and wondering if they will like you, its about going into a room full of people and wondering if you like them.  True self-confidence is about being completely at peace with yourself.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which is a clinical condition, and this means I do not know who I am, people scare me for no good reason, and my emotions are all over the place, all the damn time.  It’s very difficult to have true and profound self-confidence when you also suffer from a morbid fear of abandonment.  Borderline Personality disorder is considered the most unstable and deadly of all mental health conditions ~ the death rate from suicide alone among sufferers from BPD is around 10%.

My confidence can be destroyed by minor setbacks, when people criticise me or put me down, or when my personality disorder creates anger, paranoia, jealousy, fear, and a complete inability to sustain a relationship.

Beware of those around you who subtly sow the seeds of doubt.  ~  Wayne G. Trotman

Back in the day, when I was in International Banking, I needed to appear to be totally self-confident ~ and I developed a set of coping mechanisms, techniques, and tricks that allowed me to give the appearance of inner certainty, complete belief in myself, and that I was totally at ease. Basically I was faking it.

However, nobody is perfect.  Nobody has all the answers.  The odd thing is that, because I know exactly what my faults are I can deal with my imperfections.  And, I am so fucking damn smart I know almost all the answers to all the questions.  I should be filled with self-confidence, and I’m not.

So what do I do?  I fake self-confidence ~ and when I fake self-confidence well enough, then I come to feel confident and empowered.  Most people have no idea that I’m putting on an act.  By appearing confident other people are happy to know me, to work with me, to rely upon me, to date me, and to be with me.  As they say in 12-step recovery programs; fake it to make it.

Some say that we don’t know who we are because we don’t believe in ourselves.  And that being a control freak is a weakness, not a strength.  All I know is that true confidence comes from inner peace.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

looking good builds self-confidence

and uses up a lot of time in the gym

the song of the moon

I saw the crescent  ~  you saw the whole of the moon

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I see truth when I see you

I hear the song of the moon

and when I hear your voice

whispering the heavenly tune

I see the rainbow above

and when I feel your touch

you do so much to me

lifting my deepest gloom

with each beat of my heart

I know that I’m in love

for my world is you

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

if he lives with an open heart

each man shall find his Venus

 

Eyes Wide Closed

all journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware

It has often struck me that a lot of people go through life blissfully unaware of the mysteries, adventures, and excitement going on all around them.  Most people seem to live the same day, the same week, the same month, over and over again.  They get up at more or less the same time every weekday, spend too long over exactly the same morning routine, travel the same way to work, and arrive late all the time.  They lunch with the same people at the same places, leave work at the same time every evening, and do the same things between work and home that they did on the same day last week.  And, their actual working day is most likely stultifyingly tedious.  They even take vacations  and attend conferences and retreats with the same people they did last year.

That isn’t living, that’s barely existing.  What’s worse is that these bored and boring people will get sick a lot, suffer from mental illnesses like depression, and die before their allotted time.

Some people attempt to break away from the mind-numbing drudgery of their pointless lives through booze, drugs, gambling, petty crime, or casual sex.  Personally, I tried a couple of those self-destructive diversions ~ before I knew better and began to concentrate on becoming a real man, a superior man to that which I was before.

The better person, the superior man, needs to be self-aware, self-controlled, self-disciplined, and self-confident.  In addition, to fulfill our true potential, we need to become aware of just what is going on around us.  We need to open our eyes and take notice of the world.  Especially we need to understand what’s going on with the people we meet.  If you are genuinely interested in someone they are far more likely to be friendly to you, and perhaps become your friend, than if you hardly give them a second glance.

I have no sympathy for guys who bemoan the fact that they can’t seem to meet girls, inevitably it’s for two reasons. #1 they walk around with their eyes wide closed, taking no interest at all in the female of the species, except to ogle them.  #2 they never look at themselves critically in a mirror, taking no interest in themselves.

A real man, the better man, knows exactly what’s going on around him; from how every woman and more interesting guy he knows is feeling today, to what’s important in the news, to the impact and impression he is creating with everyone he meets.  A better man always has his eyes and ears open.

Being self-aware, being aware of the people around you, knowing just what is going on in your world, is an important step on the road to self-confidence.  With self-confidence comes the ability to change your life from the grey drudgery you currently inhabit, to the bright, sunlit uplands of excitement, adventure, and really cool things.

Some say that it’s better to travel hopefully than to arrive.  And that it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.  All I know is that seeing things change for the better is awesome.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

some women have very nice eyes, both wide open and closed wide shut

Monochrome Monday ~ San Bernardino County

adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience

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jackcollier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Zzyzx, the strangest town in America

founded by a religious nutcase

Pictures by The Girl Riding Shotgun

Songs on Saturday ~ Rain

some people feel the rain, others just get wet

England, this green and pleasant land, where it rains a lot.

Different from the parts of America, where it’s dusty and hot.

Clouds came floating unbidden into my life, not to carry the life-giving rain, but to hide the beautiful rainbow of love.

Please listen responsibly.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

singing in the rain is not my thing

I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket

Letting Go Of the Past

Those who only look to the past are certain to miss the future.

the past is not real

There is nothing wrong with learning from the past, but the mind can masochistically replay painful memories from our past, or from the pasts of those we may profess to care about.  This dark process will create anger, jealousy, envy, paranoia, and suffering.  Continuously replaying the past, yours or anyone else’s, not only causes immense pain, it also stops us from living a happy and mindful life in the present, and it will make dark all our possible futures.

Because I suffer from a serious personality disorder, I would allow my mind’s stories of the past to contaminate and blight my whole life, without learning very much at all.  I continuously carried around with me all the pain, suffering, grudges, resentments, and jealousies ~ sometimes from things that happened years before, and often from things others did years before I even knew them.

This is self-destructive.  Continuously replaying the past can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.  My dwelling on thoughts of the past, my own or anyone else’s, will lead to similar events happening in the future.  This process of reliving the past is more like self-torture than a positive learning process, because there is one thing you should know ~ no matter who you are, you cannot fix the past.

When we replay the past in our minds we relive all the big mistakes we made, all the bad things that happened to us, and all the horrible things that people have done to us.  And, the terrible thing is that some of those horrible things probably happened before whoever did them even met us, or knew who we were.  This distorted and paranoid view of the past becomes impressed on our subconscious, which then uses it as a template to deal with the present, and projects it into a dark and painful future.

When we listen to our mind’s stories about what should have happened, about what we or others should have done, we are no longer experiencing real life, we are instead lost in the subconscious mind’s paranoia, suspicion, and judgmentalism.  This leads to pain, stress, anger, anxiety, guilt, and apathy.

We all need to find a way of letting go of the past, for the past is nothing but a memory, and memories aren’t real life.  Other than counselling, working with a psychologist, hypnosis, self-hypnosis, or psychotherapy, I only know of one way to reprogram the subconscious mind so that any memories of the past are no longer painful and dark.  To act ‘as if’.  Act ‘as if’ the past isn’t painful, that it no longer bothers you, that the past no longer causes suffering, grudges, resentments, and jealousies.  Do that well enough, for long enough, and that will become your new reality.  It may take a year.

Some say that he’s an evil bastard just because that’s how he acted in the past.  Or that she’s an alcoholic addicted tramp because she used to drink too much, smoke pot, and screw around.  All I know is that the past is another country.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

don’t look back to a dark past,

live in the present

 

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