there are some thoughts you can’t avoid,
and some feelings you can’t deny
When you have a personality disorder your mind will lie to you. Your subconscious mind will take a grain of truth and build it into a dark castle in the clouds with lightning all around. When that happens you will struggle to stay grounded. Your demons will create dismal feelings and negative thoughts that your conscious mind will need to react to and act upon. The anger, jealousy, paranoia, and resentments will overwhelm you. You will plan and scheme and in an instant come up with a way to hit back, to get even, to relieve the pain in your soul.
The saner part of you will know that it’s all twisted logic and internal doubletalk, but right there and then the saner part is no friend of yours. The very last thing you need when you are in that dark space is reasonable self-awareness and self-control, because you know that everybody lies to you and everyone betrays you. No one and nothing is to be trusted nor relied upon. The only things you can trust are the voices in your own mind. You will truly be all alone in Heartbreak Hotel.
The demons with their doubletalk are insidious, persistent, and pernicious ~ your demons are always there and they will never let up. Your demons will give you insane feelings and nightmares, driving you down to another rock bottom where the mental anguish will torture and torment you.
You may try to escape into booze, drugs, gambling, casual sex with strangers, isolating yourself, just disappearing, violence….. or you may attempt suicide, and you might just succeed. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and about 10% of all those with this mental malady commit suicide. Or , you may just threaten suicide. BPD is the only personality disorder where attempted suicide and threats of suicide are among the diagnostic criteria.
How then do you escape from your demons and their destructive doubletalk? Sad thing is you can’t. There is no cure for most personality disorders, (and the majority of other mental illnesses). There isn’t even any effective medication if you have Borderline Personality Disorder, and no responsible doctor would give drugs to anyone with BPD.
All you can do is try to recover from the worst effects of your mental malady. The demons will never go away completely, but you can stop listening to them. Act as if you know what love is. Act as if you have only good feelings. Act as if you are not being torn apart inside.
All I know is that if you keep doing what you did, you’ll keep on getting what you got.
the truth will always find you out
but lies are more powerful
our souls are consumed by demons lurking in the darkest shadows
Most of us have inner demons; dark memories and disturbing elements of our psyche that come to disturb us when we least expect them. These inner demons may be awakened by the smallest trigger; a word, a phrase, people, places, things…. Some of us may have a dangerous streak which haunts us when the moon is high and the night is quiet and still. Some of us may even welcome these inner demons and the changes they make to how we think, what we say, how we feel, how we act and react to the world around us.
Some like that other people feel as though they are always walking on eggshells around them ~ and some even enjoy the control the darker side of their psyche can have over those closest to them. Those very disturbed people oft may practice psychological domination, emotional blackmail, emotional incest, gaslighting, stalking, mental abuse, or even physical abuse. These people are especially dangerous to those closest to them as they are usually Jekyll and Hyde characters ~ kind and charming one moment, then turning instantly into a monster.
There are some behaviours and character traits those with dark, deep, and destructive inner demons are very likely to display to an extreme; alcohol abuse, amnesia, anger, cruelty, drug abuse, gambling, generosity, impulsiveness, jealousy, judging, manipulative, mood swings, narcissism, neediness, perfectionism, promiscuity, porn addiction, sexual deviancy, splitting, and having a very high level of intelligence.
Trust me, I know. From time to time I have known all of those psychological traits. BPD can do that to you.
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness. ~ Aristotle
The tragedy of it is that; not only do those with deep inner demons themselves suffer, all of those around them suffer too. From time to time, everything I have listed above has been described as a disease or illness when in its extreme forms ~ the thing is, these things are also called family diseases.
Ergo, there are two sides to the pain and suffering caused by inner demons; they will harm you, and everyone around you. For the sufferer; they first have to recognise, accept, and admit that they are sick, then they have to truly want to get better, and then they have to be prepared to go to any lengths to get well. If you are close to someone who displays their inner demons, and hurts you because of them ~ well then maybe the very best thing you can do is just walk away. If the person who has been tormenting and torturing you is genuinely trying to get well, and has stopped hurting you and others, then just perhaps you could stick around and try to help them.
I know that I cannot defeat my inner demons by running from them, nor can I defeat the darkness in my soul by hiding it away. In order to defeat the werewolf within I must first bring it into the light.
inner demons shy away from the light of day