Tag Archives: Humour

Random Jottings ~ Love

cursed are they who get the love they think they deserve

~

‘I love you…..’ he said

‘why…..’ she asked’

because I’m bloody stupid…..’

~

she loved him and he didn’t deserve her

so, eventually he walked away

she didn’t know how lucky she was

~

she was attractive

she was available

she was loving

she was going to be a complete waste of time and money

~

car sex is the opposite of true love

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love is a drug

but so is sex, alcohol, cocaine, marijuana, opium, viagra…..

~

Fuck Me!  No way, I’m a man and you’re a surprised shade of blue alien

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

she will never love you

not if you try to force it

Random Jottings #12

good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere

 ~

he reached for the stars

and came up with a fallen woman

~

if you would to like to know an angel

then give me your wallet

~

the promises she made during sex are meaningless

~

when he asked her to sleep with him

he expected her to stay awake

~

‘what do you want from me?’ he asked

‘everything’ she answered

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

she liked men

she liked younger men better

she liked boys best of all

 

Random Jottings #9

of course you’re not scared of me, I’m not the vampire

~

‘I adore you…..’ she said.  ‘please take your clothes off…..’

‘these aren’t clothes…..’

‘you’re a werewolf, aren’t you…..?’

~

she was so fucking hot

and so into being used by the wolf

~

the witch wore black satin and lace

the werewolf wasn’t impressed, he much preferred red

~

the werewolf came to her, charmed by her soft voice

‘you are lascivious lust incarnate…..’ Red Riding Hood whispered

‘and I like that’ 

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Red Riding Hood had almost tamed a werewolf

now what was she going to do with him?

 

 

Random Jottings #3

she was an angel craving chaos and excitement

~

it might seem a long way to Purgatory

but it’s a hell of a long walk back

~

some say that the longest journey starts with the first step

I think it’s better if you decide where to go first

~

she was mad, she was bad, she was exotic, she was erotic

she was Alicia, his designated demon for the evening

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

she was a demon seeking peace

she was a witch seeking tranquility

Random Jottings #2

come not between a dragon and her wrath

~

the secret of Life, the Universe, and everything

probably isn’t written on the back of a cornflake packet

~

what does a computer think about when it’s been switched off?

obviously windows ~ but what does it see through the glass?

~

OK, so let’s go and explore the Universe

OK, so let’s go into town, have a few beers and a curry, and pick up a couple of girls first

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

OK, so if you want to prove your love for me

go and kill me a dragon

 

Random Jottings #1

one thought can change your whole life

Genius doesn’t come with a set of instructions,

genius comes with a lot of dark and stormy nights

~

‘I love you with all my heart and soul,’ he said 

‘Get your wallet out,’  she replied

~

Sometimes the best part of the day is the first drink,

sometimes the best part of the day is the last drunk

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

the cat looked at the dragon,

and mutually, they called it a draw

12 Days of Christmas

Christmas should be a time of comfort and joy, not arguments

After I fucked up so badly over Christmas I needed something to cheer me up a little.

This is a parody of the carol, 12 days of Christmas.  I think it’s funny.

Please listen responsibly’

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

I Should Laugh More

a day without a laugh is a day wasted ~ Charlie Chaplin

I was talking with a friend, having a pretty nice time, when I suddenly realised that we hadn’t laughed at all during our conversation.  Then I looked back at myself and came to the even bigger realisation that I don’t laugh much any more.  OK, I have my fair share of problems, and a serious mental health issue called Borderline Personality Disorder, but that’s not a good reason to be miserable all the time.

Lots of studies on the effects of laughter have revealed all kinds of health benefits, from lower blood pressure, reduced levels of the stress hormone cortisol, the release of happiness-creating endorphins, and increased levels of the antibodies that fight nasty bacteria, respiratory infections, and the onset of cancers.  Laughing also burns calories.  There are no health benefits whatsoever in not laughing.

Laughter is infectious, as is being happy.  People are naturally drawn to those who are happier and more positive than others.

Laughter connects you with people.  It’s almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of social hierarchy when you’re just howling with laughter.  Laughter is a force for better interpersonal relationships.  ~  John Cleese

For me to laugh more, I need to;

  • First of all smile more, and a natural smile not a strange grimace.
  • Smile when listening to other people speak.
  • Learn to be relaxed and positive with other people.
  • Act positively, even if that’s not how I feel inside.
  • Look for funny and entertaining breaks from my normal daily routine.
  • Watch comedy on TV, read classic comedic books such as Three Men in a Boat.
  • Work out what it is that drains my happiness and makes me feel miserable.
  • Avoid miserable, negative, unhappy, and toxic people.

However, as a mature Englishman I can tell you that we don’t go around laughing at every small thing, and certainly we never laugh at other people ~ that’s nasty.  I can laugh with someone, but I can’t laugh at them.  Also, the things that other cultures find funny, we don’t.  And visa versa, few understand English humour, especially our love of irony.

On the other hand, being positive, happy,  and seeing the funny side of my own misfortunes is something that I can do.  Especially as I know that good humour and laughter is good for you, and it makes you more popular too.

Some say that it’s great to laugh at the misfortunes of a fool.  And that denigrating someone else is the height of fun.  All I know is that being cruel is never funny.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Scenes on Sunday ~ Marmaduke

He’s not just a pudgy little teddy bear.

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jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

click on the camera I use

The Urban Spaceman’s Guide To Survival

Today, a funny song and a serious lesson for all the real men out there.

There’s one thing about being successful with women the urban warrior must never forget ~ she is always right, and nine times out of ten you will be wrong, (in her eyes anyhow).  There is no mileage in arguing with your girl, even if you do have the craziest name in English Popular Music.

Please listen responsibly.

Humour doesn’t always translate across the sexes, what women find really funny men often don’t, and visa versa.

As an example of dual standards, a girl told me a joke yesterday, about the 5 things a woman looks for in the ideal man ~ who, of course doesn’t actually exist, so she gets 5 men instead.  It was even more sexist and less funny than this woman in the moon joke.  Guys, if she tells you an unfunny sexist joke that gets at you and all men, don’t even pretend to laugh.

moon

It’s always OK for a girl to tell sexist jokes that get at you and all other men, whereas it isn’t ever OK for a man to be misogynist.  A man should never tell jokes that make fun of women, it’s just not worth the cheap laugh.

~

liebster-12These opinions are mine and mine alone

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

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