the angst of solitude, where you’re alone with the cosmos.
I have just been through the Dark Night of the Soul.
Last evening I felt very strange ~ for no readily apparent reason.
Mentally I was quite depressed and melancholy, with a feeling of deep angst thrown in.
My thoughts were wandering into dark places I didn’t want to go ~ places that in the past would certainly have driven me towards strong drink as a way of escape from my own tortured mind.
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. ~ George Bernard Shaw.
Physically I felt weak, my arms and legs were as heavy as lead, and I had severe peripheral neuropathy in my hands and forearms.
It is said that our feelings are kept in our body, and that if we don’t deal with those feelings they will surface as physical symptoms ~ particularly if those feelings are causing undue stress.
Overall, this was extremely painful and mentally uncomfortable ~ I had to reach out to a close friend for support.
I believe that what is going on with me, both mentally and physically, is due to all the introspection I’ve experienced through diligently working through the Hay House World Summit programme. And let me tell you, twenty hours of this in a week is a lot of work.
This is all to the good. It means that I’m not wasting my time with all these audio lessons and films. It means that deep down in my subconscious I’m turning over the dead earth of my past traumas, character defects, and negativity. It means that I am creating a new and better view of myself, my relationships, the world, and the cosmos.
It may be that I am truly walking the warrior’s path.
At least I sincerely hope and believe that’s what is happening to me.
Spiritually, mentally, and physically I still feel like crap today. However, sometimes there has to be a little pain along the way before we get to those sunlit meadows of inner peace.
Time is an illusion; Happy Hour doubly so.
There was once a time when I was very good at altering the Cosmos I lived in to match up with the way I wished it to be, rather than the way it truly was. For most of the time I could pretend that things were much better for me than they really were, but no illusion can last forever. Ergo, every once in a while stark reality crashed through the violet light of my fantasy, and each time that happened was more painful than the one before. It got so that the only ways I could find to escape the pain of reality were even more destructive than suffering the pain.
My life was mostly getting worse.
I did have good times, and the good times could last for hours, days, weeks… But even my good times were falsehoods, illusions. I would shape reality to match my own attitudes, perceptions, and preconceptions.
Reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~ Albert Einstein
Maybe that’s OK for some, but not for me, not with all my psychological problems. I was shaping my reality to cope with my own defects of character, and that isn’t living, that is just a different kind of escape into just another nightmare. And every nightmare was worse than the one before, until eventually I was suffering the long dark midnight of my spirit. And midnight is not the darkest hour.
The darkest hour is just before the dawn. ~ Thomas Fuller
No matter how far I had fallen, there was still much farther I could fall, unless I chose another way.
A little while ago, and with a little help from a close friend, it became plain that I needed to find new ways of thinking, doing, and being. I had to stop running away and trying to join the circus:~ wherever I went, whatever I did, I always took myself with me.
I had to stop being Mr Know It All, and I had to find a way to stop myself from becoming Mr. Hyde.
Perhaps I have found something, a new way of being. Perhaps I have found a way to make meaningful and lasting changes in my life. It’s not going to be a one-time thing, and my future is not going to be easy, but then most of my past was fucking terrible. So, my choices are simple; freedom from pain and suffering for myself and all those around me, or walk the dark path down into hell again?
Some say that a good friend will help you to move. And, that a very good friend will help you to move a dead body. All I know is that I don’t want that body to be mine ~ not for a good while yet.
If, as Einstein says, the Cosmos is really an illusion, then it follows that happiness is a choice ~ that most people can be just as happy as they choose to be.
Today and tomorrow I choose happiness over misery.
I choose sunlight over the dark moon at midnight.
jack collier email@example.com
Words are also seeds ~ they grow, mature, and then bring forth after their kind.
I have suddenly realised that I haven’t been commenting on the posts I read as much as I used to do. You all have my apologies for my serious lapse in blog etiquette.
It seems that I have had a lot on my mind of late ~ and I had a 4 week vacation in California, from where it was hard for me to comment, (on a tablet, with limited internet access).
Just today I also realised that my frequency and care in commenting on all your posts isn’t going to improve for about another month.
This Hay House World Summit I’ve signed up for is going to take a hell of a lot of time, energy, and commitment from me. I know that I’ll have stuff all over the garret if I’m going to have a chance of achieving what I want, need, and desire from this programme.
So, you all have my apologies in advance for not commenting so very much on your most excellent posts.
Hay House World Summit.
Following my recent return from a vacation in California, it was obvious to me and my friends that there was an empty darkness in my soul.
I made a half-hearted attempt to escape from this by drinking ~ and as usual that didn’t work. Trying to escape into booze and / or drugs never works, not for anyone. Booze is usually a bad idea, and taking drugs is always a very bad idea. Both booze and drugs create more problems than they solve, up to and including dying from alcoholism and drug addiction.
What I really need is help to find a new way of living, new values, a new psychology of friendship and love. I need to find a way towards real spiritual growth. I need to accept the pain of confronting and solving my problems, and I know that I cannot do that through my own sheer willpower, self-control, and self-discipline.
My first impulse was to go and see my doctor, confess my problems, and ask for help. But, you know what, most doctors are very bad at dealing with psychological and spiritual problems, together with the booze that has gone along with mine.
A very close friend then pointed me towards the Hay House World Summit, which is a 16-day journey to self-discovery, health, and success. In 2018 this runs from May 5th to May 20th ~ the timing is ideal for me, and it’s free.
I’ve registered for this and I’m very much looking forward to exploring the 100 lessons and 15 videos.
From time to time I will let you know how this is working out for me.