a healthy relationship doesn’t drag you down
misery is never acceptable
Who here has never been dumped? I have, more than once, and it hurts. However, I firmly believe that what hurts worse than being rejected and dumped is being rejected by your spouse or partner while the relationship goes on between you. You are still mostly living together, but that’s the most you can say of it. You may even be having sex, but it’s lacking in intimacy and is nothing more than satisfying some animal lust. Bad sex is worse than no sex at all, and in a toxic relationship sex is all about power.
Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power. ~ Oscar Wilde
Some signs of being rejected inside a relationship are that you avoid being together, you hardly ever talk and when you do there is no real communication, communication descends into arguments, recriminations, and raised voices, you don’t trust your partner at all, one of you drinks far too much, and the chances are that you are being cheated on. Anyhow, if your partner is rejecting you then you already know. Being rejected can hurt for a while, being rejected inside a relationship makes you miserable forever, or until you find the courage to walk out.
If you don’t trust your partner / spouse, if you don’t let them anywhere near your money, if you go to counseling alone or to a 12 step group, if you are being mentally, psychologically or physically abused, if you feel like a doormat, if you are always walking on eggshells ~ then it’s time to have an escape plan. The thing is that, anyone who can subject someone they profess to care for to the misery of rejection is themselves a deeply damaged person. In psychology Anti-Social has some very specific meanings, it describes someone who has no conscience, no empathy, no sense of right and wrong, no guilt. Anti-Social people are promiscuous, often abuse alcohol and drugs, they cheat and steal, are narcissistic, and often they will break the law; things like petty theft or driving under the influence. Someone who will reject their partner or spouse is deeply Anti-Social.
And beware because simple rejection can escalate into Gaslighting, a form of extreme psychological abuse. If you suffer from anxiety, depression, question your own sanity ~ then you are being gaslighted. If that is you, and you sometimes fear for your own safety, or even your own life, then it’s not time to walk away, it’s time to run.
feeling like a prisoner is never acceptable
our souls are consumed by demons lurking in the darkest shadows
Most of us have inner demons; dark memories and disturbing elements of our psyche that come to disturb us when we least expect them. These inner demons may be awakened by the smallest trigger; a word, a phrase, people, places, things…. Some of us may have a dangerous streak which haunts us when the moon is high and the night is quiet and still. Some of us may even welcome these inner demons and the changes they make to how we think, what we say, how we feel, how we act and react to the world around us.
Some like that other people feel as though they are always walking on eggshells around them ~ and some even enjoy the control the darker side of their psyche can have over those closest to them. Those very disturbed people oft may practice psychological domination, emotional blackmail, emotional incest, gaslighting, stalking, mental abuse, or even physical abuse. These people are especially dangerous to those closest to them as they are usually Jekyll and Hyde characters ~ kind and charming one moment, then turning instantly into a monster.
There are some behaviours and character traits those with dark, deep, and destructive inner demons are very likely to display to an extreme; alcohol abuse, amnesia, anger, cruelty, drug abuse, gambling, generosity, impulsiveness, jealousy, judging, manipulative, mood swings, narcissism, neediness, perfectionism, promiscuity, porn addiction, sexual deviancy, splitting, and having a very high level of intelligence.
Trust me, I know. From time to time I have known all of those psychological traits. BPD can do that to you.
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness. ~ Aristotle
The tragedy of it is that; not only do those with deep inner demons themselves suffer, all of those around them suffer too. From time to time, everything I have listed above has been described as a disease or illness when in its extreme forms ~ the thing is, these things are also called family diseases.
Ergo, there are two sides to the pain and suffering caused by inner demons; they will harm you, and everyone around you. For the sufferer; they first have to recognise, accept, and admit that they are sick, then they have to truly want to get better, and then they have to be prepared to go to any lengths to get well. If you are close to someone who displays their inner demons, and hurts you because of them ~ well then maybe the very best thing you can do is just walk away. If the person who has been tormenting and torturing you is genuinely trying to get well, and has stopped hurting you and others, then just perhaps you could stick around and try to help them.
I know that I cannot defeat my inner demons by running from them, nor can I defeat the darkness in my soul by hiding it away. In order to defeat the werewolf within I must first bring it into the light.
inner demons shy away from the light of day
Know when to walk away ~ Know when to run
Governments, Politicians, Generals, Admirals, Businessmen, Gamblers, Alcoholics, Husbands, Wives, Lovers, Mistresses, Children, Employees, all have something in common. Time and time again they will go on pouring lives, money, love, health, sanity, and self-respect into deals, situations, and dysfunctional relationships they should have just turned their backs on and walked away.
It’s as though somewhere deep in the human psyche there is a pathological need to keep doing the same old thing, over and over again, no matter how many times it has failed before. Well we’ve probably all had this proverb hammered into our brains as children.
If at first you don’t succeed ~ try, try, try again. ~ Robert the Bruce.
Actually, it’s much, much worse than you would ever believe. Relatively respectable psychologists believe that the misinformation effect makes some people completely forget their failures, and just how bad they were. This is glaringly obvious in gamblers, who never talk about how much they’ve lost, only how much they’ve won. It’s even worse in abusive relationships, where victims totally block out the memories of the abuse, even to extent of selective amnesia and dissociative disorders.
Smarter, more self-aware, more self-confident people eventually realise that throwing good money after bad, or loving the wrong person at the wrong time, or trying the same thing over end over again, is fundamentally stupid.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. ~ W.C. Fields.
In the past I have been as guilty as anyone of raising the stakes on a losing card, and then when I inevitably lost, raising the stakes once again.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. ~ Ablert Einstein.
Eventually, smarter people learn that no matter how hard you try, if they don’t love you for yourself alone, they will never love you for the things you try to do for them. Women and girls especially stay in abusive relationships far longer than they should ~ gaslighting is so insidious.
There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it. ~ Shannon L. Adler.
Today I will go a long way before I ever again try harder to win when winning was always impossible. I know how to recognise and when to get out of a dysfunctional relationship. I have a new Rule #1 in my book.
Rule #1 Always know when and how to get out of Dodge.
Go ahead with your life, your plans, your dreams and desires, as fully as you can.
he just doesn’t have the time
he physically intimidates her
if you only did what I told you
she wears a scarf to hide the bruises
he makes her have sex with other men
she had to prove her love too soon
he killed her confidence with sneers
he told her secrets to his drinking buddies
she doubted her own memory
in public, he said she was lying
he will tolerate nothing but the best
he likes to humiliate her
he’s only abusive when he’s been drinking
she must not disturb his routine
he forces her to sleep on the floor
often she doubted her own sanity
he said she was just a bitch from the office
where was she and why didn’t she call?
he confuses her with his mind games
he is underhanded and abusive
why won’t she take the tranquilisers?
he checks her household account book
he tells her she never had a cat
he likes to use objects in her
he says she is a bitch and a loser
he likes to see her to suffer pain
when he wants, the way he wants her
he said she looked like a slut
please slow down, you almost hit that truck
she will be left homeless and broke
he never actually hit me
she walks into the sea under dawn’s early light,
and never once looks back
words and pictures by jack collier