if you remember people, then they will remember you
don’t just be one of the crowd
This is the time of year that most of us think back and remember old friends we haven’t seen for years, or even family members we hardly ever meet. I’m reminded of that with every Christmas card I write, and by each one I receive. Every year I am glad that I keep a Christmas card list, with up to date names and addresses, and that I take the trouble to send a card to everyone on the list. And like many people nowadays I add a few lines about what my year has been like.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. ~ Dale Carnigie
There are some places I can go where I am almost certain to be recognised by someone I haven’t seen in years ~ and then I have to dredge through the corridors of my mind to put a name to the face. I’s actually surprising and delightful when someone you haven’t met for a long time shows that they remember you ~ and it’s cool to be able to show the same courtesy.
It may seem insignificant but, if you remember people, they will remember you and that’s essential if you want to be successful in Life and Love. Some may find this easy, if they have the kind of photographic memory that can recall faces, names, places, and events ~ but we can all do this too with just a little work. Back in the day I used to keep a notebook; names and a few personal details of the interesting people I met. If you’re a guy it’s doubly essential that you remember the women you meet.
The most important thing is to listen ~ stop talking, let other people talk for a change, and really listen. That doesn’t mean saying nothing, a real man’s role in a conversation is to ask questions and encourage the other person, (or people), to share things about themselves. Look for things that truly matter to them. You will learn so much more about people if you try this, and when I was a deliberately good listener I learned a hell of a lot about myself too.
But, FFS, don’t make notes where others can see you writing stuff down. That will get you into trouble ~ you may even get your face slapped. I did.
If your notebook is to have any point, then you have to do something with it, preferably at the end of every day. These days the best thing to do would be to create some kind of a database or computerised directory, even if it’s just simple stuff like partner’s name, children’s names, birthdays, where they work, what they’re vitally interested in….. Back in the day I had a card index. These days I have a Christmas card list.
Some say that it’s pointless remembering people because you may never meet them again. And that listening to other people talk is incredibly boring. All I know is that I used to be the best there ever was, because I remembered people.
if you want to be successful in Love
the at least get her name right
a friend in need is a friend indeed
the light at the eye of the storm
When your life turns to dross, when you are there at the eye of the storm and you don’t know which way to turn, that’s when you find out who your true friends are. When you are at your lowest ebb, and you’ve hit rock bottom, a true friend will seek you out and give you whatever help they can, even if it’s the toughest kind of love.
In my life I’ve been lucky enough, or worthy enough, to have found a couple of friends like that. One kept me alive when I had pleurisy, double pneumonia, and five broken ribs ~ and like some very stubborn and stupid men I refused to go into hospital, then this true friend nursed me through my illness. The other has always been there for me through my bad times, when the insanity of Borderline Personality Disorder had me drunk and attacking her verbally and in writing she stuck around for me.
I have also been fortunate to meet some people here, on wordpress, whom I consider true friends.
Anyone can be a friend when times are good, and I had plenty of ‘friends’ when I was the life and soul of the party, making more money than I could spend. But that sort of friend soon disappears when the money tap is turned off, when depression hits, when times are bad ~ and I include an ex in that list of ‘friends’. Maybe I wasn’t always good to my ex, but I did the best I could, and it turned out she couldn’t be a true friend when I was in dire straits.
True friendship, like true love, is perhaps not unconditional, but close to it. I know this much is true; nothing in life is unconditional, if someone treats you bad you are not going to be their friend for long. However, a true friendship is not a bargain nor a contract. A true friend does not put conditions on their friendship. Sadly most relationships are bargains, even if unspoken bargains ~ ‘I’ll do this for you, if you do that for me…..’ I’ll be your friend if you get sober for me….. I’ll be your friend if you shower me with expensive gifts…..
As it goes, marriages are contracts. The whole content of a church wedding is to lay out the terms of the marriage contract. No wonder not many husbands and wives are true friends.
Some say that a friend is someone who will forgive your worst mistakes. And that a friend doesn’t walk out when the going gets tough. All I know is that anything is possible if you have a true friend to support you.
when there is only one set of footsteps in the snow, that’s when your friend carried you
whatever you want from me only love and friendship can give
I learned that I can still cry
sorrow is the other face of joy
to grieve silently is to be human
lost and broken and yet I’m a man
now all this friend can say is goodbye
you were the only love I’ve ever known
dawn in New Mexico
a better time to say farewell
a single rose can be my garden ~ a single friend, my world
Many believe that just because they spend a lot of time with someone, then they are friends. Or if they are lovers, then they must also be friends. Or if they just like being with someone, then they must be friends. Perhaps, and perhaps real and true friendship means much more than that.
Generally, two people are drawn together for some very simple and constantly repeating reasons. And the most common of these is that they are co-workers. It’s difficult to spend 8 hours a day with someone without wanting them to be your friend. There are also some good reasons to be friends with your co-workers; like it gives you someone to go to lunch with. On the other hand, I’ve worked very closely with people I hated ~ just couldn’t stand them, and outside of working together saw and spoke to them as little as possible.
Common interests also bring people together, for example liking the same sport, pastime, or hobby. I became friendly with some people I went to a group with, but whether we were real friends is another matter. I also became friends with some guys I played golf with, but outside of a liking golf we had few other things in common, (except we came from the same socio-economic background).
Common interests include some things that will never create true friendships; ‘drinking buddies’, drugs, gambling, casual sex, stealing….. generally things that people do after dark.
Shared values also bring people together, and here the list is long and strange. We can include; truth and honesty, thrift and generosity, the church, religion, human rights, charitable causes, politics, green issues, animal protection, belief in a flat Earth, belief in UFOs, belief in extra-terrestrial civilisations, belief in past lives….. The thing is, if people share the same values they also tend to create groups to support their values and special interests. But, shared values are not enough to create a true friendship, they just bring people together.
Conversely, if two people have very divergent values they can never become true friends.
Of course, one reason people might say they are friends is if they are having sex. Fucking someone doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re friends ~ probably people who just have sex are not real friends. Some marriages might have good sex in them without the partners being true friends.
As far as I’m concerned, before yesterday I was never a true and honest friend with anyone, ever. I suffer from a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, and unless and until you are recovering from that you cannot ever be a real friend to anyone ~ there is just to much boiling shit going on in your mind. Today I know I am recovering from my illness, and today I hope I have 3 friends. Three is a good number.
Some say that honest people never hear the truth. And that very honest people are very impolite. All I know is that real friendship is based on honesty, openness, and trust.
today there is a garden in my life
A wise man doesn’t try to get what he doesn’t want.
Many people don’t know what they want out of life, and many of them struggle to find a way to discover their true needs, want, desires, and dreams. Even if you know what you most need, want, desire, and dream of having ~ well, whatever it is might be very difficult, or almost impossible to acquire. This applies especially to friendship, love, sexual desire….. in fact anything that relies upon another person doing what you want is always going to be an almost impossible dream. You have no control whatsoever over what another person thinks, feels, likes, dislikes, loves, or hates.
Your most important “want” should be the one you can control. ~ Shannon L. Alder.
You cannot make her / him love you, desire you, or even like you.
It follows therefore, that in our journey through life, at some point we should work out what we truly, honestly, realistically need, want, desire, or dream of having.
And this is where most of us come unstuck. We have no idea what it is that we want ~ other than our life goes on pretty much as it has always gone on, without us having to think about it too much, or wandering too far outside of our own comfort zones.
We Just Do Not Know What We Really Want.
However, all of us, or almost all of us, know what we don’t like about our life. Almost all of us know exactly what we hate about our lives. Most of us know exactly who and what we want to walk away from, and after that never, ever, keep in touch.
Some of us can tell exactly when there’s an elephant in the room ~ we know when there are important issues that are not being discussed with our significant other, and instead all we ever seem to talk about is meaningless trivia.
Many of us know that our wants, needs, desires, and important dreams are not being fulfilled. We know that we are frustrated and unfulfilled.
Therefore, as a first step to knowing what you really want, write down what you know you don’t want. Write down what you don’t like about your life. Write down what you hate about your life.
Be honest. Be brutally honest with yourself.
Do not censor yourself ~ just write down what comes into your head.
Don’t over-think things, just write, whatever it is and however bad it seems.
You will have to force yourself to confront the real and damaging issues in your most private life, instead of just focusing on fluffy easy minor annoyances.
Most likely you will not complete your list of dislikes and hates in one short attempt. Keep your list safe, and add to it whenever you think of something else that disturbs your quest for a fulfilling inner peace.
And, most importantly, DO NOT let anyone else see this list of the things and people you hate and what you hate about them.
For example, your partner / wife / husband may not be happy to know that you think she / he is as sexually responsive as a wooden plank. You know what, if I had a significant other / partner / wife like that, then I’d hate that too. (Trust me, I’d hate it, I’ve been there.)
Most likely, if you’re brutally honest with yourself, sex will feature heavily on your list of things that aren’t going right for you. After that, probably your job, your home life, your friends, health, fitness, enjoyment…..
My current list of things I don’t like / hate about my life has 34 things on it, and I’m telling nobody what they are.
But now I have a good idea of what I don’t want, I can start to get what I do want, by any means necessary. (As long as the means I use are legal, honest, and ethical, I will do whatever it takes to get what I truly need, want, desire, and dream about.)
When you know what you want, and you want it bad enough, you will find a way to get it. ~ Jim Rohn
Some say that success is getting what you want. And that happiness is getting what you need. All I know is that I’m damn certain what I don’t want in my life.
I would like to go back to California again
the kiss of the sun for pardon
the song of the birds for mirth
you are nearer your love in a garden
than anywhere else on earth
I’ve got troubles, and you’ve got them too
but together we can always see it through
there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do, for you
you’ve got a friend in me, my love is true
you’ve got a friend in me
Real friendship asks nothing and gives everything.
Please listen responsibly
I said I’d be her friend
until the very end
no matter what
depend on that
will this kill me?
words and pictures by jack collier
time is all we have to spend
though we ignore its passing
we know it will too soon end
give me the hopeful dawning
of a new day’s bright morning
to share with one true friend
life’s full measure challenging
until the quiet calm of evening
transcends the lonely yearning
waiting for what can never be
words and pictures by jack collier
can’t wait to see you again
so I can learn to understand
how to be only just a friend
hoping love has not ended
and I can be with you again
words and pictures by jack collier