Tag Archives: Fear of Failure

Finding Myself

They’ve all come to look for America…..

Four intensive days attending a self-awareness retreat.  Because that’s what it was, self-awareness from the internal structure of human cells to the unconscious vibrations we put out into The Field that surrounds us all.  Most of all it was about getting in touch with my inner voice, the subconscious programs that run 95% of my life.

Turns out that most of my life was being run by all the crap I soaked up like a sponge before I was seven years old, and that left me prey to the greatest terror of all young children ~ the fear of abandonment.  Even the youngest child instinctively knows that if his or her primary care givers abandon them, then they will surely die.  That fear has been ruling my life for all of my life.

And, WTF, I am a uniquely capable and able grown man, who is more than equipped to look after himself in just about any set of circumstances, up to and including being shipwrecked on a desert island ~ and I won’t need a basketball to talk to.

The one thing that always unconsciously terrified me was the ending of a relationship with a woman ~ due to this whole fear of abandonment thing that was ruling my subconscious mind.

But, I know that now, and I also know how to change the programs that were ruling, and will continue to rule most of my life.  (You can Never get away from the fact that about 95% of what you do, think, and say comes from your subconscious.)

I have found the real me , I know the real me, and I have changed 2 big things about me.  I am no longer a bad carbon copy of my parents, (especially my dad), and I now longer fear abandonment.

The real me, the true me, is now a very cool and very capable guy 100% of the time.

Some say we can Never get away from our upbringing.  And, that we can never really change our innermost thoughts, feelings, attitudes, hopes, and fears.  All I know is that if you are prepared to work hard enough to find the fulcrum, then you can move your whole world.

~

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

don’t just go through the motions

Live a Cool Life instead

 

Naming My Fears

Paranoia; an extreme feeling that people are lying to me.

There is no such thing as paranoia.  Your worst fears can come true at any moment.  ~ Hunter S. Thompson.

We are all conditioned by our past.  We have all been conditioned by society.  We have all learned to be afraid.  Our parents, our carers, our siblings, and all of society taught us to be afraid.

We learned negative thought, and we learned character defects like; anxiety, cowardice, denial, distrust, evasiveness, frustration, guilt, hatred, immorality, insecurity, pessimism, possessiveness, promiscuity, self-pity, and worry.  All of these character defects are manifestations of fear.

It has been a massive shock to me to realise and accept just how afraid I have been for most of my life.

My greatest fear ~ fear of abandonment.  I was a small, premature baby, placed in an incubator immediately after birth.  Before I was five years old my maternal grandmother, my principal carer, left me.  She had passed away.

My second greatest fear ~ that people are lying to me.  My parents didn’t tell me that my nan had died, I thought she had abandoned me.  My parents’ lying by omission, and telling me half-truths, destroyed my capacity to trust anyone.

Half a truth is often a great lie.  ~  Benjamin Franklin

My third greatest fear ~ that I am not good enough, that I do everything wrong, that I am useless.  I thought my nan had left me because I had been a bad boy, that I just wasn’t good enough for her anymore.  Since then I have always felt second-best.

Because of that trauma in my formative years I have always been afraid of getting things wrong, and of being mocked for making mistakes.  I have been morbidly afraid of rejection, which has resulted in all of my relationships with women becoming utterly dysfunctional.  I am deeply afraid of developing a close relationship with an attractive and sexual woman.

Good girls go to heaven,  Bad girls go everywhere.  ~  Mae West

Because of my childhood trauma, I believe that every women I have had a close relationship with has lied to me, and I am afraid that negative belief also means that I cannot even know truth from falsehoods.  In my own life I attempt to be dedicated to the truth, but to be a truthful man in a world of liars is to live in a very scary place.  And, as we all know, everybody lies all the time.

Keeping secrets from someone is no different from lying to them.  It’s still dishonest.   And I am deeply afraid of dishonesty.

Perhaps due to the traumas I experienced before I was 5 years old, for most of my life I have suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a serious mental illness that brings with it it’s very own set of fears.  Happily, I am mostly in recovery from BPD.

Some say that we are all afraid of change because we fear the unknown.  And that our fears are there to protect us from really bad things happening to us.  All I know is that if I keep on doing what I’ve always done, then I’ll get what I always got.

I don’t believe in fate or destiny.  I believe in various degrees of fear, paranoia, and abandonment.  ~  Henry Rollins.

To recover from paranoia and fear I am working on healing the causes of my problems, rather than the symptoms.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

no matter how much you deceive yourself,

you have to know that she has always lied to you.

Letter to Myself ~ aged four and threequarters

P1040486

My inner child,

It was not your fault that you were taken from your mother and put in an incubator, just after you were born.  You were not well when you were a newborn, and they had to put you in an incubator to keep you alive.

I know you loved your nanna, and that she loved you too.  It was not your fault that she went away and left you .  She was an old lady, and she just died.

It was not your fault that she died.  It was not your fault that your parents did not explain that nanna had died.  It was not your fault that nobody told you why she had to go away and leave you all alone.

Your parents did not know how to show you their love for you, and that was not your fault either.

I know you felt abandoned and unloved when you were a very young boy, but you were not to blame.

Please let yourself grieve for your nanna, and let her go to heaven to be in peace with the angels.  Please forgive your nanna for dying and leaving you.  Please accept that she loved you, but now she has gone.

Please forgive yourself, the blame was not yours to take.

Forgive yourself, and live in peace, happiness, and serenity from now on.

All my love,

your older self.

~

P1040484jackcollier7@talktalk.net

liebster-12

Make Your Own Luck

p004Luck  success or failure by chance.

Life and fate change constantly.  The one thing you can guarantee is that, just when you least expect it, something with come out of the blue and hit you like a runaway freight train.  It could be anything from a job opportunity, being let go from your job, serious illness, being the victim of violence, the death of someone dear to you, or falling in love unwisely.

Does that mean you should shut yourself away, never take a chance, never risk it all?  No, what it means is that you should do all you can to ensure that you will ride out the storm.  That whatever you attempt to do has more than an average chance of success.  That when it comes to it, you can go the extra mile.

hello_____my_name_is_inigo_montoyaThere are some things you can do to improve your chances.  And the first of these is to know yourself.  Know who you are, and be prepared to tell others.  Most of us lie to ourselves.  Most of are unwilling to face unpleasant truths.  Most of us are unwilling to put in the solid, hard graft that it takes to truly know oneself.  Work hard, commit yourself to the truth, because there is really no place to hide from it.

alcoholic-latina-womanWhat is worse is that whatever you try to do, however you try to improve yourself, there will be doubters along your path.  Family, friends, co-workers, you name it… all of these negative people will tell you that you cannot change, that you will never succeed, that you are hopeless and useless.  That you can never recover from your addiction.  Ignore them.

You have to turn a deaf ear to the doubters.  Have some confidence in your own abilities.  Be bolder, tougher, wiser, stronger, calmer and more confident than the next guy.  Don’t be that dumb loser in the corner, be a confident Renaissance Man, be a winner.

Mostly be prepared to shrug off all doubt, shame, and fear.  These destructive bedfellows have no place in your future life.

You don’t need me to wish you good luck ~ from now on you make your own luck.

~

olivier-henry-vjackcollier7@talktalk.net

When You’re Alone

LIFE IS FULL OF LONELINESS, MISERY AND SUFFERING

Some men give up on relationships and decide they would be better off on their own.

old-man-fishing

is it better for a man to be alone?

Man is a social animal.  Human beings generally prefer to live in a community.  Our lives depend on other humans.  Our connections to others is the key to our survival, success, and happiness.  Any man who is unsocial is either beneath our notice or more than human.  Hard experience teaches us that women are by nature far more social than men.  The same hard experience teaches us that women have a more complex and deeper set of emotions than do men, but that men find difficulty in coping with any emotions whatsoever.  The things others do can change the way we feel, think and act.  Most people don’t like to be alone, and the presence of specific others can give us great pleasure.  Love and sex is mostly better when there is a man and a woman involved.

CASUAL-SEX

love and sex is usually better if there is a man and a woman involved

What all this means is that our happiness may appear to depend on other human beings.

Putting one’s happiness in the hands of another is a guaranteed road to unhappiness.  Yet this is a mistake most of us make, most of the time.  Even the English language conspires to make certain most of us rely on others to validate our feelings; ‘You made me unhappy…’  how often have you heard something like that?  How unfair is that?  Making someone else responsible for your feelings puts everyone in an impossible situation.  Half of the time I don’t even know what I feel, let alone the proximate cause of those feelings.  Most psychologists will tell you that we are each responsible for our own feelings, and practical experience tells me that as soon as I rely on the actions or assumed feelings of someone else to create my feelings, then it’s one short step to deep unhappiness.

Why then is this unstable dichotomy such a universal model, particularly in romantic relationships?

Partly it’s learned behaviour, and by learned I mean it begins in infancy.  Just about the worst thing that can happen to an infant is being abandoned by its mother.  Generally that results in the death of the infant, unless a surrogate mother is immediately available and willing to take on the baby.  Probably from the moment of birth, (perhaps before that even), an infant has a healthy fear of being alone.  For an infant; Being Alone = Being Dead

A morbid fear of being alone is either called Autophobia or Monophobia, depending upon the exact flavour of the fear.  This kind of distress can be characterised as a fear of being lonely, and then by a fear of being without a specific person.  Sounds as though all romantic relationships have a little of that going on.

As adults, we are each in control of our own lives.  Many find that a scary situation.  Almost all of us have been raised in a group, with all the complexities of group dynamics imprinted onto our psyche from an early age.  If we have been lucky we will have been raised in a stable, two-parent, family, with siblings.  The snag is that this teaches us all about worry and guilt.  Guilt in this case meaning that universal currency in interpersonal relationships; ‘You did something I don’t like, therefore I will not love you, unless you do something extra for me to make up for your mistake…’

Supposedly guilt is different from remorse, but most dictionaries include the one word in their definition of the other.  Both guilt and remorse are about the past.  The Past is Past and Gone, there is nothing anyone can do about it.  so, unless you have genuinely done something wrong, are honestly sorry about that, and intend to change your behaviour in the future, guilt is mostly pointless.

Worry is generally about being afraid of doing something / not doing something, the net result of which is that people we consider important to our happiness will not love us as much as we want them to.  Going further than that, worry is about the fear that people in whom we have placed responsibility for our happiness will ultimately abandon us.  Nothing is forever.  Change is the natural order of things.  Worrying is very pointless.

Some say that worrying is what stops bad things from happening ~ that if bankers had worried a bit more about sub-prime mortgages we wouldn’t have had a financial crash.  Or, that if Lana Del Rey worried a bit more about her reputation she wouldn’t have recorded a song called Fucked My Way Up To The Top.

As it goes this is all rubbish.  Worrying achieves nothing.  If we want the present and future to be different to the way they are likely to be, then we need to make a plan and solve the problem.  Wishing does not make it so.  Dread does nothing to stop bad things from happening.  Fear of change is usually worse than change itself.  Unrequited love is a problem to be solved, not something you need to live with.

tom-hanks-and-cast-away

just because you love her doesn’t mean she is in love with you

In most societies the stable interpersonal relationship is between one man and one woman.  Sometimes this relationship is formalised as marriage, and it is to be assumed that no two people get married with the intention of making the both of them miserable.  Yet this is what happens, often people get so unhappy with one-another that the marriage ends in divorce.  With divorce goes blame, which mostly consists of accusing the other person of not doing enough to make you happy.  Putting the responsibility for your happiness in the hand of another is like trusting politicians ~ eventually you will be disappointed.

Stress is necessary for survival.  Without some stress the mind and body will die.  Sensory Deprivation is a form of torture.  Too much of the wrong sort of stress will make you very ill.  Having responsibility without power is extremely stressful.  You have to feel your feelings, you are responsible for feeling your own feelings.  If you put your happiness into the hand of another then you have given up your power to change your feelings.  You will be unhappy, stressed, get drunk, feel ill, attempt suicide…,  All the crap that goes along with bad romantic relationships.

Woman-taking-off-wedding

women can do hurtful things to men

Assume responsibility for your own feelings.  Your worth as a human being is not measured by what others think about you.  You are not responsible for the happiness of others, and they are not responsible for your happiness.  Men should not rely on a woman / women for their happiness.  Women are unreliable by their very nature, they can’t help it.  Women do things to make men deeply unhappy without even realising they are doing it.  Wives and girlfriends are not just readily available sex, they are complex and unpredictable creatures almost designed to create feelings in men, and men have difficulty dealing with feelings.  Do not make her responsible for your happiness, unless you want to be unhappy for the majority of the time.

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