Tag Archives: failed relationship

The Noble Art of Not Giving a Fuck

Achieve your dream life by rejecting pressure entirely.

Fear is mostly learned.

Low self-esteem is learned.

The experience of sin is learned.

Fear, expectations, obligations, shame, negativity, the notion of sin, anxiety, nervousness, shyness, cynicism…, plague most of us, and none of these are real, these are just emotions, these are things that we have allowed others to teach us.

A lot of our negative character traits are things we have learned through life; arrogance, addictions, alcoholism, brutality, complacency, criminality, dependency, envy, greed, intolerance, jealousy, lying, paranoia, promiscuity, timidity, vindictiveness…..  We are not born with these character defects, we had to learn them, and they are not real, even though they feel very real.

Life is too short to spend in negativity.  So I have made a conscious effort not to be where I don’t want to be.  ~  Hugh Dillon.

Our thoughts, feelings, emotions, feel incredibly real.  My own thoughts, feelings, and emotions were very real to me, and they ruled my life.

I could become very paranoid, jealous, and angry about my partner’s past ~ and that is insane.  The past cannot hurt me, and there’s nothing I can do about it anyway.

We should not be a product of our negative thinking.  We are not our thoughts, feelings, emotions, preconceptions, and assumptions.  If we wish it we have free will.

Other things bothered me a lot; cyclists, bad drivers, charities, environmentalists, the medical profession, people in uniform, politicians, the stupid and the lazy people in this world…..  I spent a lot of my time being annoyed, frustrated, and bad-tempered.

What I needed was a new way of looking at the world, a new way of dealing with all the bad stuff that was ruling and ruining my life.

What I decided was that, deep down, I didn’t actually care about any of this stuff, in exactly the same way that I don’t care one jot for the idea of Catastrophic Anthropogenic Climate Change, (man-made global warming).  What I decided was all this stuff that had been bothering me, all the people and organisations that had been bothering me, could just Fuck Off.

I no longer give all this pernicious negativity permission to affect my life.

Now I can tell the World to; ‘Fuck Off and Have a Nice Day.  Don’t Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out, and Please Don’t Keep In Touch.’

It’s a very empowering attitude.  Obviously I don’t often actually say that out aloud, but just thinking it generates a very liberating feeling.

Try it.  If something or someone upsets you, mentally tell yourself that you don’t give a fuck.  If negative thoughts, feelings, emotions are plaguing you, then mentally tell yourself that you don’t give a fuck.

If some insane attitude or weird preconceptions of your own are ruining your life, just tell yourself that you don’t give a fuck, that you don’t even want to know.

Some say that we should be caring and compassionate, that we should give until it hurts.  And, that we should accept the pain of the world and everyone in it.  All I know is that I don’t give a fuck.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

don’t let other people control your life

Advertisements

Just Enjoy the Journey

To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive.

In this modern world most of us are driven by results, we do things in order to achieve a desired outcome.  In this modern world hardly anyone enjoys the journey, what most people want is to get to their destination as quickly as possible.  And yet, psychologists know that what our mind and spirit seek most are experiences, and not results.

In my working life I was extremely results oriented, I always had innumerable written plans to ensure that each of my projects produced a specific outcome, with specific deliverables, on specific future dates.

Consequently I was always in a hurry, impatient, driven, aggressive, competitive, egotistical, and unforgiving.  To a certain extent these character traits are useful in business, but I also carried these characteristics into my personal life.  That may be natural, unavoidable, but it certainly isn’t useful, and it certainly wasn’t the true me.

Aggression only moves in one direction ~ it creates more aggression.  ~  Margaret J.  Wheatley

Nobody sane wants a good friend or partner who is always in a hurry, impatient, driven, aggressive, competitive, egotistical, and unforgiving.  Oh, and I was also very manipulative…..

Because of my conflicted and driven life I was continually unhappy, and continually ill.  I was also continually afraid of failure.  My life was mostly joyless.

I no longer believe that it’s the outcome that matters most to our mind and spirit.  What I believe is that it’s experiences that matter most to us, and not the eventual deliverables.  In other words it’s the journey, and not the destination which teaches us the most.  Like all things in Life this is probably not a yes / no, black / white, male / female thing.

The yin and the yang are opposite forces.  Yet, they exist together in the harmony of a perfect orb.  ~  R. A. Wise

I have come to believe that somewhere in between the yes and the no lies a place where either, none, and both exist simultaneously.  I have come to believe that the past, present, and future exist simultaneously.  And, I have come to believe that it is the journeys that really matter to our body, mind, and spirit ~ not the destinations.

In other words it’s how we live each moment that matters most, not what we eventually achieve.

Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realise they were the big things.  ~  Robert Breault

Some say that life is somewhere between an experiment and an adventure.  And, that if you follow all the rules, you’ll miss all the fun.  All I know is that nothing is more important than this day, this hour, this minute…

The sun may not always shine, so enjoy it while you can.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

the grim, the bad, and the unholy

Wisdom cures so many things, except loves lost forever.

adulteress betrayal cuckold dreaming

erotic flirtatious gratuitous harlot

infidelities juicy kissable lusting

men naughty occult provoking

qualmless rape scary tart

unholy vixen witch

xeno-yearning

zoophile

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

the converse of this post will appear soon

 

Rhythms of Insanity

Don’t be ashamed of your story ~ it will inspire others.

When nothing is ventured, nothing is gained, so what’s the sense of running away from your own life.  The good things just don’t fall out of the sky, they have to be worked for.  But we have to do the right things, at the right time, in the right place, with the right people.  Trying to force the best that Life has to offer doesn’t ever work ~ we have to work with the rhythms of the Cosmos, and not against the flow of the tides.

The great rhythms of nature, today so dully disregarded, wounded even, have their spacious and primeval liberty…..  Journeying birds alight here and fly away again all unseen, schools of fish move beneath the waves, the surf flings its spray against the sun.  ~  Henry Beston.

Little did I realise when I was an overpaid and overworked international banker how little I saw of nature.  What I saw were offices, the inside of cars, trains and ‘planes, hotels, airports, other offices, and city streets.  I earned a hell of a lot of money, but money is a false God, and money never made me happy.  Today I can be happy to walk by the sea, to look at the sky, to enjoy the vast curve of a distant horizon, to listen to the murmur of the surf and the mournful cries of the gulls.  Cars, trains, and ‘planes still have their place in my life, but now it’s only a minor element of who I am ~ cities are no longer the be-all and end-all.

Perhaps it is the night of despair where you are, and I am certain that you are not sleeping soundly.  If you are dreaming at all, I hope you are having sweet and pleasant dreams, but I’m certain that you are not.  I am certain your dreams are weird and disturbing, turning into nightmares.  Try and leave those night-terrors behind you for a while.  There are enough nightmares in the real world without us having to suffer them during our sleep.

The world turns, it may be day-time here, night-time where you are, and somewhere the dawn is breaking and the birds are awakening.  The Cosmos is like a giant time-piece, it has a rhythm of its own ~ the Cosmos keeps its own time.  Be aware, just like the rhythms of a friendship and love between two people change and develop, so the Cosmos is a continual state of change.  We need to enjoy the moonlight while we wait for the sunrise.

We are a part of the Cosmos, we are where our physical bodies are, but our spirits are everywhere.  We exist in this time, but we also exist in a myriad of pasts and possible futures.  I want, need, and desire that the future that awaits me is chosen from the best of all possible alternative realities.  I can close my eyes and imagine ideal pasts, presents, and futures, and in all of them I hope I can spend some cool times with people I care for, cherish, and love.

We are made of starstuff.  We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.  ~  Carl Sagan

What have we dreamed and who have we lost?  In my ideal times we are entirely friendly, trusting, honest, open, caring and loving.  You know what?  I don’t think that it’s too much for me to pray to the Goddess to help me to attain my own earthly versions of nirvana.  It may seem strange to you but I pray to the mother goddess, and in her form incarnate; Aphrodite.  I dream of he Goddess Aphrodite, still looking for the place where we belong together.

I am excited about where I can go in time and space, in friendship, love, and sensual pleasure.  The cool things I could possibly do, and the cool places I could visit.  It’s about being able to fly, about having the courage to live life to the fullest, to enjoy every moment of every day.  Someday soon I will build a tiny trailer, and someday after that I will build something much more ambitious, like a school-bus RV, or a tiny home in someplace beautiful, with a wonderful view of the dawn and sunset.

Shit happens all the time, but one has to remember that; as there is no growth without suffering, there can be no pleasure without pain.  There is a reason we were brought to this life, all we have to do is trust and take one small step in time.  Such are my beliefs.

It’s not all sweet and elegant lies.  Shit happens, but Magic happens too.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Recovery is possible ~ but first one has to admit that there is a problem.

The Pointlessness of Medicinal Marijuana

Banning cannabis just makes it even more desirable.

Some say that using cannabis has medicinal benefits.  And that using a little weed never hurt anyone.  All I know is that regularly using cannabis will put you on a slippery slope to misery, degradation, and death.

The US Food and Drug Administration, (FDA), has not approved marijuana for medicinal use, although a large number of doctors and their patients swear by its effectiveness and positive health benefits.  Which is utterly delusional because a placebo is just about as effective as cannabis when it comes to relieving the worst symptoms of most illnesses.   However, people still take medicinal marijuana to obtain relief from the more unpleasant symptoms of their illness ~ and not just to get high.  However, medicinal marijuana will still give you a rush and get you high.

Cannabis in my view is being deliberately oversold as a medication, deliberately so by people whose primary objective is drug legalisation.  Nations should be cautious and should not be seduced by extravagant and unscientific claims by noisy lobbyists.  ~  David Raynes

This inevitable drug rush is because marijuana’s healing properties come from its high cannabidoil (CBD) content and critical levels of medical terpenes, flavonoids, and tetrahydrocannabinol (THC).  CBD, won’t get you high, but THC certainly will.  Actually, there are more than 100 cannabinoids in marijuana ~ doctors and scientists don’t know what effect some of these potent chemicals have on the human brain and body.

Nevertheless, medicinal marijuana does show some slightly positive effects in treating certain psychological problems, and the pain from illness such as degenerative neurological disorders.  Allegedly, medicinal marijuana helps ease pain, nausea and loss of appetite in people with HIV and cancer, and it just might help people with epilepsy or multiple sclerosis.  It’s the CBD and THC that has these beneficial effects.

What THC does is make your brain release dopamine ~ the pleasure chemical, and to be honest, that’s why everyone uses pot, even the people who take it for ‘medicinal’ reasons.  You will get high if you take cannabis for any reason ~ you will feel more relaxed, happier, and probably sleepy.  You may also have hallucinations, delusions, short term memory loss, paranoia ~ and if you have pneumonia or bronchitis those illnesses will suddenly get a lot worse.

Cannabis does more harm than good, even when taken for medical reasons.  New medical guidelines have been issued in Canada, (where cannabis is legal), warning that the negative effects of the weed far outweigh the minor benefits it has for most illnesses.  The Canadian Family Physician journal states that in the few conditions where cannabis is helpful the effects are only marginally better than a placebo.

This Canadian guidance states that there is little evidence that cannabis could help many patients at all, and that the downsides far exceed the potential benefits.

Marijuana very strong stuff, especially the more potent types grown now, and its effects last a very long time.  You will still be suffering from the after-effects of using pot four weeks later.  Pot is addictive, and it’s also a gateway drug to worse things such as cocaine and heroin.

Marijuana is damaging and dangerous.  If you use marijuana a lot you will probably get one or more serious mental illnesses like schizophrenia, anxiety and depression, memory problems, have difficulty with coordination, distortions in your sense of time and space, and have suicidal thoughts.  Your work, social life, and interpersonal relationships will suffer.  You will do risky and stupid things.  To top it off, marijuana damages unborn babies too.

The real reason anyone uses cannabis is to experience the instant gratification of a THC / Dopamine rush.  Anyone who craves instant gratification is immature and nowhere near being a balanced, grown up, grounded, and together person.  They care little about the future, themselves, or anyone else.  They have no real life outside of feeding their own wants, needs, and desires.  They are unlikely to ever get well until they first learn to cure their own need for instant pleasures.  This applies to anyone who demonstrates little self-control.

If you really want to turn into a Mr. Hyde, then smoke pot.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

On Offending People.

I you’re not offending someone, you’re not doing your job.

Yesterday evening I started to write a post for today ~ or rather I began 3 different posts, and scrapped all of them.  All three of those posts would have offended some of the people who follow my blog, and some of my close friends, so I junked all of those questionable posts.

I believe in absolute freedom of expression.  Everyone has a right to be offended.  ~  Taslima Nasrin

If you have followed my blog for any length of time you will know that I don’t shy away from offending some people, but the people I’m happy to offend deserve whatever they get, and more.  I have no problem being offensive to Bankers, Politicians, Government Officials ~ and on Monday of this week I was offensive toward the disgusting sex-pests, perverts, paedophiles, and rapists who work for some ‘Big Charities’ such as Oxfam.

I’m not happy to offend the innocent who just happen to do, (or have done), some things I profoundly disagree with. That would be cruel, hurtful,  hypocritical, mendacious, and vicious of me.

I try to practice ‘mindfulness’ every time I encounter a stressful feeling or negative emotion, of I am challenged by my own anger.  Mindfulness grounds me in the present and stops me obsessing about the past.  I can look at my feelings as though I am an uninvolved observer, rather than being at the centre of the maelstrom. That way I can act and react in a balanced and thoughtful way.

So, instead of what I intended to write about, which in each of the three cases would have been stressful, challenging, negative, and emotive ~ I’m going to tell you how I came to the decision that writing about this stuff would have been a bad idea.

These days I try to live a kind, mindful, self-aware, and spiritual existence ~ bringing inner peace and happiness to myself and those around me.  Offending innocent people for no good reason than my own instant gratification is not living an ethical and spiritual existence.

I try to be accepting, understanding, and supportive to those around me.  I do my best to live a mindful life.  I work very hard at walking the warrior’s path to ultimate truth and inner peace.  I profoundly believe  that as I give to the world, so I shall receive in return.

Ergo, publishing a blog which I knew would upset and hurt some people, which would make them think that I was actually attacking them, was not who I am trying to be today.  In any event, I am not perfect within myself.

When you are offended at any person’s fault, turn to yourself and study our own failings.  Then you will forget your anger.  ~  Epictetus

I want to make good changes in my relationships, my behaviours, habits, and routines ~ attacking someone, or a group of people, is neither good nor positive.  So, I decided that I just wasn’t going to do it.

And you know what?  I feel better for not publishing any of those three negative, emotive, and judgmental posts.

The posts I had half written, and then trashed were about Borderline Personality Disorder, casual sex with strangers, and the medicinal use of marijuana.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Learn Self-Discipline

No person is free who is not master of themselves.

Self-discipline and self-control aren’t easy ~ these admirable character traits are not something we are born with, and usually most people don’t really develop self-discipline and self-control until they are well into adulthood.  Some sad people never learn any real self-discipline and self-control at all.  They are doomed to live meaningless, unfulfilled, unhappy, and unenlightened existences.

The exercise of self-discipline and self-control is difficult and complicated, needing willpower, flexibility, and judgement.  To live fully rewarding lives we must continually be completely honest with ourselves, yet at times withhold the whole truth from others.  To be free of disappointment, pain, and suffering we must assume total responsibility for ourselves and our own actions.  It’s no good breaking our abstinence from alcohol or cigarettes just because some other people seem to having a good time smoking and drinking.  That is just giving the power to control our lives to others whose own judgement is very suspect.

We must also have the self-discipline and self-control to reject responsibility that is not truly ours.  I am not my brother’s keeper, nor are you responsible for what your sister does with her life.

True self-discipline and real self-control means being organised and efficient, living wisely, and living in balance and harmony with yourself and the Cosmos.

A key part of this is the ability to delay gratification ~ don’t always stop at the pub on the way home from work, don’t always get angry when questioned, and don’t always eat that last sandwich even when you are not hungry.  Keep an eye on the future, think about what your actions are going to mean tomorrow, next week, next year.  Do you want to be an angry and overweight alcoholic?  Well, by the sound of it that’s where you’ll be heading if you don’t learn some self-discipline and self-control.

Let hunger sharpen your awareness.  Abstain liquor and frivolous recreation, which dull the mind and weaken the body.  ~  Laura Joh Rowland.

It’s all about replacing bad and self-destructive habits with good habits that will enhance your life in the longer term.  Instead of stopping off at the pub on the way home from work, three or four times a week, go to the gym instead.  You won’t get the immediate buzz of getting drunk, but you will get the long-term buzz of being a fitter, healthier, much better person.

Either I’m lucky, or I have a lot of willpower, because I seem to have more than my share of self-discipline and self-control ~ (and even I self-destruct from time to time).  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t pick up cheap women in bars for meaningless sex.  I’m fit and healthy, I walk at least 5 miles every day, exercise, and I do yoga.  My weight is right where it should be, my blood work is excellent, and my heart is strong.  I don’t go to work at all, and yet I’m wealthy enough to do what I like when I like.

And nobody has ever given me one damn thing. Everything I have I have earned for myself through hard work, self-discipline, and self-control.

The answer is easy.  Stop pissing your life away like a fool, and start really living instead.  Replace your bad and self-destructive habits with good habits that will enhance your life in the longer term.

If I can do it, anyone can.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Wolf Moon

It’s so quiet in the ruins of a relationship.

 

It’s so fucking quiet in the ruins of,

walking through the old memories,

feeling the past with sexual regret,

the song stays the same but the lyrics,

are as distant as the wolf moon.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Dreams and Darkness

 

~

the moon still shines in the deep darkness

the night is filled with malevolent stillness

my dreams are fueled with harsh blackness

a soul shattered, scattered with wickedness

evil goddess incarnate uncaring in hardness

yet I know in my dreams my soul is helpless

enraptured by her exotic sexual weirdness

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

cold broken trust

It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.

Everybody lies.

Lies of omission, half-truths, fabrications, exaggerations, deceptions, excuses, white lies, broken promises, black bold-faced lies, or just saying nothing at all.

Lies are easy on social media and by telephone ~ it’s harder to look a person in the eye and tell a black bold-faced lie.  Only sociopaths and very practiced deceivers can do that with real conviction.  There are plenty of practiced deceivers around.

Hardly anybody trusts anyone anymore.  Hardly anyone is committed to truth.

Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.  ~  Albert Einstein.

Mostly I expect people to lie to me, and mostly I don’t care.  I have been lied to far too many times to care very much anymore.  The cold-hearted people who have lied to me have diminished themselves more than they have hurt me.  Now, with few exceptions I do not allow anyone close enough to me for their lies to matter.

Because of all those lies, I do not trust easily anymore.  A broken trust is as cold as the sea in winter.

Life is lonely and bitter without trust.  Everyone has to trust the one they care for, and when that trust is broken the taste is bitter and hearts grow cold.

Most good relationships are built on mutual trust and respect.  ~  Mona Sutphen

A couple of days ago I told a very close friend, my best friend, that I knew she had lied to me.  She did not deny the fact ~ how could she?  Everybody lies.

What does it matter that she did not deny that she has lied to me?

More importantly, why did I say that I knew she had lied to me?  That achieves nothing good in a relationship.

I’m afraid it’s a hangover from my suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, where I sabotaged and destroyed every relationship and friendship I’ve ever had.  Telling someone you care for that you know she has lied to you goes a fair way towards destroying a relationship.

I need to do much, much better than that.  My friend deserves much much better than that from me.  I deserve much better for myself than that kind of stupid comment.  It shows no mindfulness whatsoever.

I’m afraid that, because of the inclement weather, I am spending far too much time alone brooding in the garret.  It isn’t good for me, and I know I need to walk near the sea and meditate.  I know need to accept people as they are, and not expect them to be the way I wish them to be.  I need to accept that sometimes there is a good reason that people have lied to me.

The world is as it is, and not as I would wish it to be.  But, perhaps with a lot of effort I can turn this situation around and get past my paranoia.

Magic happens.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

%d bloggers like this: