It is better to give than to receive ~ the hell it is…..
so, I went on some cool trips…..
Something is telling me that there is no mileage in being a caring guy. What good does it do me to care about other people’s feelings, to worry if they are upset, and to give a damn if they are happy, or not?
I know that some people go through life not giving a thought about the feelings, or wellbeing of others, and all in all it doesn’t seem to do those uncaring folks any harm whatsoever. As a matter of fact uncaring people tend to be richer and get more of what they want than do guys who actually give a fuck ~ such as me.
Uncaring people don’t devote their energies making sure that others are OK, instead they spend their time and energy getting what they want, and the devil take the consequences. Uncaring guys don’t buy their female friends cool and expensive gifts, or pay to take them on vacation, or always pick up the tab in bars and restaurants. Instead uncaring guys just fuck lots of women like animals.
So, somewhere, somehow, I’m doing something wrong. I care about other people a lot, and what does that get me, not a lot.
Some say that a leopard can’t change their spots. And, that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. All I know is that I’m going to stop giving if I get bugger all in return.
Cool hotels? A waste of money.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.
Unless we do something nothing happens, and if nothing changes then nothing changes. I can sit here and think about what I want out of life, what I need to keep me safe and healthy, and I can dream about the women and adventures I might desire, but unless I take some positive steps I most likely will never get anything on my wish list.
For much of my life I would even come up with well thought out reasons and excuses why I couldn’t have or get what I wanted. I didn’t have enough money, there just wasn’t the time, she doesn’t like me anyway, I’m too busy working…..
The truth was that I just didn’t have the courage or the realism to even try to get what I really wanted out of life. Nor did I have the focus or psychological adaptability to change what I wanted, if what I first wanted was clearly impossible. We can’t all be a rock star, and the truth is I never wanted to be. But there are some things that I wanted from a relationship, and I didn’t have the focus to make that work, nor did I have the guts to just walk away when it was clear that my relationships weren’t giving me what I wanted, needed, and desired.
However, somewhere along the way things changed for me. I wanted to be materially and financially prosperous enough that I could stop working for a living, and instead live a great life. That has happened. I wanted to stop being a miserable, judgemental jerk, and instead be a cool and charismatic guy. That has happened too.
What I want, need, and desire, right now, is to improve my relationship with a female friend, and I’ll work on that. If the relationship doesn’t improve in the ways I need, then I now have the emotional strength to just walk away.
Some say that we each have dreams and personal ambitions we want to fulfil. And, that we will always face great opposition to seeing our dreams come true. All I know is that if I don’t try to make my dreams come true, than nobody else will make them come true for me.
drinking and smoking will kill you,
but you already knew that
They’ve all come to look for America…..
Four intensive days attending a self-awareness retreat. Because that’s what it was, self-awareness from the internal structure of human cells to the unconscious vibrations we put out into The Field that surrounds us all. Most of all it was about getting in touch with my inner voice, the subconscious programs that run 95% of my life.
Turns out that most of my life was being run by all the crap I soaked up like a sponge before I was seven years old, and that left me prey to the greatest terror of all young children ~ the fear of abandonment. Even the youngest child instinctively knows that if his or her primary care givers abandon them, then they will surely die. That fear has been ruling my life for all of my life.
And, WTF, I am a uniquely capable and able grown man, who is more than equipped to look after himself in just about any set of circumstances, up to and including being shipwrecked on a desert island ~ and I won’t need a basketball to talk to.
The one thing that always unconsciously terrified me was the ending of a relationship with a woman ~ due to this whole fear of abandonment thing that was ruling my subconscious mind.
But, I know that now, and I also know how to change the programs that were ruling, and will continue to rule most of my life. (You can Never get away from the fact that about 95% of what you do, think, and say comes from your subconscious.)
I have found the real me , I know the real me, and I have changed 2 big things about me. I am no longer a bad carbon copy of my parents, (especially my dad), and I now longer fear abandonment.
The real me, the true me, is now a very cool and very capable guy 100% of the time.
Some say we can Never get away from our upbringing. And, that we can never really change our innermost thoughts, feelings, attitudes, hopes, and fears. All I know is that if you are prepared to work hard enough to find the fulcrum, then you can move your whole world.
don’t just go through the motions
Live a Cool Life instead
in the curves of her form a hero found his wanton goddess
a lover’s eternal choices
of feminine enchantments
exploiting sexual differences
intellectual harmony balances
emotions desired disharmonies
wants needs desires dreams lusts
pleasures’ ecstasies turned into dust
Should a guy always pay the tab in a fancy restaurant?
Following my ‘Shipping Forecast’ post earlier today, I have been roundly disabused about what women want. A close friend of mine has told me, in no uncertain terms, that most women do not want ‘guys who pick up the restaurant bill, arrange the vacations and buy the tickets, and who will go to wild parties and pretend to enjoy them……’
Funny, she could have fooled me, because where ever I have been with her, whatever great road trips we have been on, whenever we have been to a nice restaurant, or called at a cool bar ~ I have always paid for everything. And, from the first time I met her she has expected me to always pay for everything. (With the exception of a few drinks, or a meal once in a while…..)
Also she has expected me to enjoy meeting her family and friends at various lunches and get-togethers. Quite frankly I don’t want to get to know her family and friends. We don’t have that kind of relationship.
As it goes I don’t mind always picking up the tab, but I object when she says that’s not what she wants, and that it’s not what most women want.
Or, have I got things totally wrong, again?
the end of a great road trip
Perhaps every friendship needs an argument just to see how stable it is.
A serious long-distance argument blew up with my Californian friend and I yesterday ~ or the day before depending upon which time-zone you’re in. This disagreement was / is so profound that it may prevent me from taking a trip to New Mexico in November. This dispute may be so serious that it will poison our relationship for good and all.
And yet, seemingly it’s all about nothing.
My friend likes watching far-out science fiction shows on Netflix. Alone among my friend’s family so it seems does her adult nephew.
Ergo my friend announced that she and her nephew were going to have regular Friday evening TV sessions watching weird science fiction.
Somehow, to me, it seems uncomfortably unacceptable for her to regularly spend a lot of time alone with her young, married nephew on regular TV ‘dates’ in her home. And, I made the mistake of telling my friend of my feelings.
She said; ‘…..So you think me and my nephew are weird….. Is that what you’re saying? That’s really sick…..’
And that’s where we’re at now. Not talking with one another enough to sort anything out.
Perhaps what is odd and unacceptable to my generation of Englishmen is normal in California where the culture is totally different from here. I still don’t like it.
Am I utterly and completely wrong? You tell me ~ please.
perhaps I’m doomed to for ever being alone and lonely
Knowing that you’ll push everyone away is tough to deal with.
Some people suffer. Some people are in constant mental, psychological, and spiritual pain. Those people may find themselves doing crazy and impulsive things, drinking too much, using drugs, getting into inappropriate and dysfunctional sexual relationships, pushing away everyone that truly cares for them, isolating themselves….. Those people may be suffering from a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder ~ they may need professional help. They may act like a lunatic.
People with even mild Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), do very strange things; they test the people who care for them by doing things which are really socially unacceptable ~ for example constantly being late, flirting inappropriately, expecting and needing gifts lavished upon them. They have extreme reactions to the thought of being abandoned and / or rejected.
People with BPD have a propensity to enter into dysfunctional and unstable romantic and sexual relationships / have casual sex / cheat / commit adultery with monotonous regularity. They tell themselves their sexuality is normal. They are impulsive and have intense, highly changeable moods. Paranoia, anger, ennui, and emptiness all come easily to those who have even the mildest touch of BPD in their psyche.
They tell themselves that they like being alone in their comfort zone
Suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is difficult, but the situation isn’t hopeless. Recovery is possible, growth is certain, becoming a better person is the eventual reward for all that suffering. I should know, I have been at the very Gates of Hell because for most of my life I suffered from undiagnosed and untreated BPD.
But now I know. I know what caused me to push people away from me all my life; it’s a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. If you don’t get close to people they can’t hurt you, and if you push someone away hard enough that they leave you, well that just means you were right about them all along…..
Knowing Exactly what’s wrong with you is very liberating. Knowing Exactly why you have suffered and are still suffering is even more liberating. And, I know Exactly why I developed Borderline Personality Disorder.
When I was about four-and-a-half years old, the woman who loved me most, the woman who cared for me, got sick and died. She was my nana, my maternal grandmother. And nobody told me that she’d died, my parents didn’t explain, there was a wall of silence, and I thought she’d abandoned me because I wasn’t good enough.
That one event blighted my whole life ~ until now.
Some say that it’s good to be mean to the one who loves you, because if they stay with you it proves that they love you. And, that if they leave you it proves that you were right to be mean to them all along. All I know is that only the mentally ill can like being alone and lonely.
You can get so that everything seems normal
even crazy, vicious, evil mood swings
even turning into a Mr. Hyde
In the end she will destroy everything, including herself.
of inner clairvoyance
poisonous darker choices
noisome joyless evil sacrifices
a dysfunctional friendship loveless
he is a lover, not a warrior, nor a sinner
go? leaving her behind, giving it all away?
sex, anger, voices, poisonous choices, paranoia
she can fully explore her sexuality
in the end he can just walk away
We live in a world of illusions and fantasies, lies and deceptions.
In my life I have often seen and heard what I wanted to see and hear, not what was really there at all. I was never willing to separate fact from my own fictions, to see what was actually going on around me. And yet, for relationships and connections to endure, reality and truth must be embraced whole-heartedly, one cannot go on looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses.
Consequently I oft-times found myself walking down dead-end streets and staying with totally dysfunctional relationships. I missed the many good opportunities the universe was sending me, any of which could have transformed my life. Being faithful and steadfast is all very well, but not when I was living within a tissue of lies and falsehoods. Being generous and kind is all very well, but not when I was pouring time, money, and love into a bottomless well and receiving little or nothing in return.
Ultimately, my behaviour was negative and destructive of my own self-awareness, self-confidence, and self-esteem. Through not really facing the truth I would become paranoid, suspicious, jealous, frustrated, and angry.
Today I am ready to accept and understand the mistakes of the past, end the chapter, close the book, and allow progress and positive growth to happen. For that I need complete self-honesty and better self-awareness. Only then will real change lift me emotionally and spiritually out of the darkness that sometimes surrounds me ~ washing over me like a cold wave in the depths of a grey autumn.
Parts of my dark psyche still linger from my past negative behaviour; anger, bad temper, marginal propensity to alcoholism, pain, jealousy, frustration, resentments, selfishness, impulsiveness…..
This October, when my opposite and partner star-sign of Libra is in the ascendant, I can see clearly the person I used to be, the person I am now, and the man I shall become. I am more than just the two-dimensional image that stares back at me from the mirror. Now I am wiser, more open and ready to see change in my life. The lessons that must be learned are how to understand and accept the truth and not surrender to illusions.
Some say that change is bad, and today should be the same as yesterday, while tomorrow should be pretty much the same as today. And that they are perfectly happy living mundane and routine lives. All I know is that I can and will separate truth from fiction.
though it may twist and turn, the warrior’s path goes onwards and upwards
Only a fool will let miserable situations run on from year to year.
Despite everything, there have been some dark clouds over my head. Ergo yesterday, on a whim, I took a train ride to the nearest big city to do a little shopping.
More than just going shopping yesterday, and buying whatever took my fancy; in a few weeks I’m going to New Mexico to attend a ‘new-age’ retreat, and I’ve just booked a week on the Algarve for over the Christmas Holidays. That Christmas trip will be my 6th vacation this year. How fortunate is that?
Oft times I tell you of my woes, bemoaning my luck, revealing the darker parts of my psyche ~ and yet there are so many others who are far worse off than I. Even in this moderately wealthy country, this green and pleasant land that is England, much misery abounds. There are those who struggle to find the next penny, let alone have the cash and freedom to just take off whenever they feel like it.
And, in America, that Land Of The Free there are more people living on the streets than a supposedly civilised country should countenance. Some say those people are just down on their luck ~ some bad luck America.
Without revealing too many confidences; yesterday I had to give a friend enough money for petrol, (gas), to allow her to visit her son who had been rushed into hospital. Even some of my friends aren’t as fortunate as I.
Maybe I want so much that I aim too high, and just going off shopping, or taking a vacation, is ultimately less than satisfying for me. Those foreign trips may put me under a different sky, but I still often feel alone and unsatisfied. Perhaps this is because I have unreasonable expectations, or that I am acting with selfishness, or it may be that I am not living a mindful life anyway.
One hope is that my upcoming New Mexico trip will give me some new psychological tools to put in my bag. Another is that as I become more self-aware and more self-confident, I will be able to look at my life, my relationships, my wants, needs, desires, and dreams in a more honest and mindful way.
Some say it’s not what you keep that matters, it’s what you are prepared to leave and lose. And, that if you have doubts about people it’s time to walk away. All I know is that the harder I work at things, the luckier I get.
Living on the streets is not much fun