Desire is the consolation you have when you can’t have love.
dreams and desires
crushed into the desert
a sad and lonely little man
Sexual Jealousy, that dangerous dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive.
Sexual jealousy is being upset, angry, bitter, resentful, and depressed because someone who you profess to love has been unfaithful, or seems interested in another person, or was involved with others in the past, or you imagine that they are, or were. It isn’t real ~ sexual jealousy is actually caused by insecurity, fear, low self-confidence, low self-esteem, and low self-worth.
My friends, and especially my women friends, used to suffer terribly from my irrational jealousies. My jealousy wasn’t so much fun for me either, it did nothing for me except to make me unhappy and encourage me to get drunk. My jealousy may have been unpleasant for others, but it was an absolute torment for me. Being a miserable, resentful, angry, jealous drunk isn’t marked anywhere on the road to happiness and serenity, but it’s a major waypoint on the road to coming face to face with your own personal, terrifying dragon.
Yet, I was only tormenting myself in fear of being hurt and tormented by someone I thought I cared for ~ if you truly care for someone then jealousy has no place in your heart. Ergo, I did not really care for, far less love, any women I became jealous over. In fact, the best I could say is that I was infatuated. Any man who becomes infatuated over a woman does not value himself, and I was even worse than that, back then I didn’t even like myself.
Men and women are jealous in different ways, and for different reasons ~ typically men will become jealous because of a perceived threat to their ego, masculinity, sexual dominance, and existing relationship. However, women generally become jealous because of the threat to their existing relationship, and not because of their potentially bruised ego.
Any action taken as a result of sexual jealousy is likely to be extremely destructive ~ it will do nothing towards repairing your relationship, nor will it foster a greater understanding between you and your partner. On the contrary, in my case any woman I was involved with would always feel that she was walking on eggshells, and be afraid to be herself in case my jealousy spilled over in to judgementalism, leading to my attacking her verbally and in writing.
Some say that there is never any benefit in being jealous. And, don’t get jealous, just get even. All I know is that if your partner has really done something bad enough to make you insanely jealous, then it’s time you just walked away from that failed relationship.
Angry, Abusive, Controlling, Confrontational, Distrustful, Hate, Insecurities, Intolerant, Possessive, Resentful, Sarcastic, Selfish,
and Fucking Dangerous.
we are already found; already truly, entirely, messily, marvelously who we were born to be ~ Anne Lamont
Real bravery is not an absence of fear; real bravery is pressing on to do the right thing even though you may be very afraid. Real heroism is putting others first, even at your own peril. Real gallantry is showing courageous behaviour, and especially politely protecting and cherishing all women ~ no matter what.
Our modern word Hero derives from the classical Greek and Latin word Hērōs meaning “protector” or “defender” or “to safeguard”. A classical Hero is a warrior who lives and dies in the pursuit of honour. In ancient legend, How Horatius Held the Bridge as in the poem by Thomas Babington, and the 300 at the pass of Thermopylae. In modern times the first responders who went into the burning Twin Towers are rightly thought of as Heroes.
The journey of an individual towards selfless heroism follows a pattern, oft-repeated in myths, legends, history, by Hollywood. A relatively ordinary man, (heroes are almost always men), with more than his fair share of flaws and character defects, is thrust unexpectedly into an extraordinary situation. More often than not a group of innocent individuals are threatened with serious injury and death by some very evil people, or a malevolent force of nature.
This ordinary man is forced by circumstances, and probably against his will, to step up and save the potential victims from harm. Usually there is a woman, a romantic interest, somewhere in the background.
It will turn out that this reluctant hero has an unexpected and previously unrevealed skill, ability, and strength of character which will allow him to face down the bad guys, and thus save the day.
Our hero will probably suffer greatly, and be badly injured during his journey into heroism ~ sometimes he may die. Usually there won’t be a romantic reconciliation with the woman he loves ~ instead he will metaphorically ride off into the sunset, nursing uncomplaining his physical, emotional, and spiritual pain.
Hollywood has innumerable examples of this hero’s journey; High Noon, Die Hard, North by Northwest, Alien, (Ripley was a heroine), Star Wars, Shane, Valdez is Coming…. More importantly, this story is played out many times over in real life. And yet, these stories almost never have a happy ending.
Some say that true happiness is to have no ambition, and yet to work like a horse as if you had every ambition. And that it is to live apart from the cares of another, not need her, and yet still to love her. All I know is that true happiness is being wherever you are, and whomsoever you truly are, and not let that scare you.
it’s not the age honey,
it’s the mileage
my whole life is cracked, and nobody can put me back together again
I live in an empty room with a teddy bear called Marmaduke, everyone else in my life I have loved has cut me down.
Don’t tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.
Love is like glass, the brighter the glitter, the more easily broken.
Please listen responsibly.
the sea, a winter mirror
seen through a glass, darkly
jealousy is just love and hate at the same time
John Lennon could easily have written this song for every real man who has ever lived, up to and including me. Luckily I’m much, much better now.
Please listen responsibly.
jealousy is not cool
Love can be the infinite curse of a true heart.
If you believe that you love someone, then there’s no rhyme or reason about the way you think, feel, or behave. All of your various emotional and happiness chemicals just take over. Scientists say that there are 4 sets of these; dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and the endorphins which accentuate the effects of everything else. But, you have to add to that a whole bunch of other mind – brain – body stuff happening when you think you’re in love ~ such as an adrenaline rush every now and again. Add to that not eating, not sleeping, and drinking too much, and no wonder we get messed up when we believe we are in love, (or we are consumed by desire).
Our own default subconscious personality type also has a big part to play. For most of my life I suffered from an intense fear of abandonment caused by a serious psychological illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. This fear of abandonment thing either makes you utterly destroy a relationship you’re in, or hang on to a dysfunctional relationship long past the point you should have called it a day and walked away.
So this deep interest in / deep affection for / sexual desire for a particular person caused me no end of problems, because none of it was real. Multiply that by several women over time and you can see how a polite and generous Englishman could become seriously screwed up. And ‘screwed up’ is putting it very mildly.
If I tried I could probably work out how much these false love affairs / relationships / marriage had cost me in time, money and lost opportunities, but being a banker I’ll make a stab at how much ‘being in love’ has cost me in hard cash over the years. Roughly, to the nearest $100,000 ~ about $2.75 million. Thinking I was in love, with the wrong woman, has cost me more than most people will earn in a lifetime.
And what did I get in return? Bad sex.
Ah well, t’was ever thus. A fool and his money are soon parted.
you would think I should have learned my lesson by now
It is better to give than to receive ~ the hell it is…..
so, I went on some cool trips…..
Something is telling me that there is no mileage in being a caring guy. What good does it do me to care about other people’s feelings, to worry if they are upset, and to give a damn if they are happy, or not?
I know that some people go through life not giving a thought about the feelings, or wellbeing of others, and all in all it doesn’t seem to do those uncaring folks any harm whatsoever. As a matter of fact uncaring people tend to be richer and get more of what they want than do guys who actually give a fuck ~ such as me.
Uncaring people don’t devote their energies making sure that others are OK, instead they spend their time and energy getting what they want, and the devil take the consequences. Uncaring guys don’t buy their female friends cool and expensive gifts, or pay to take them on vacation, or always pick up the tab in bars and restaurants. Instead uncaring guys just fuck lots of women like animals.
So, somewhere, somehow, I’m doing something wrong. I care about other people a lot, and what does that get me, not a lot.
Some say that a leopard can’t change their spots. And, that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. All I know is that I’m going to stop giving if I get bugger all in return.
Cool hotels? A waste of money.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.
Unless we do something nothing happens, and if nothing changes then nothing changes. I can sit here and think about what I want out of life, what I need to keep me safe and healthy, and I can dream about the women and adventures I might desire, but unless I take some positive steps I most likely will never get anything on my wish list.
For much of my life I would even come up with well thought out reasons and excuses why I couldn’t have or get what I wanted. I didn’t have enough money, there just wasn’t the time, she doesn’t like me anyway, I’m too busy working…..
The truth was that I just didn’t have the courage or the realism to even try to get what I really wanted out of life. Nor did I have the focus or psychological adaptability to change what I wanted, if what I first wanted was clearly impossible. We can’t all be a rock star, and the truth is I never wanted to be. But there are some things that I wanted from a relationship, and I didn’t have the focus to make that work, nor did I have the guts to just walk away when it was clear that my relationships weren’t giving me what I wanted, needed, and desired.
However, somewhere along the way things changed for me. I wanted to be materially and financially prosperous enough that I could stop working for a living, and instead live a great life. That has happened. I wanted to stop being a miserable, judgemental jerk, and instead be a cool and charismatic guy. That has happened too.
What I want, need, and desire, right now, is to improve my relationship with a female friend, and I’ll work on that. If the relationship doesn’t improve in the ways I need, then I now have the emotional strength to just walk away.
Some say that we each have dreams and personal ambitions we want to fulfil. And, that we will always face great opposition to seeing our dreams come true. All I know is that if I don’t try to make my dreams come true, than nobody else will make them come true for me.
drinking and smoking will kill you,
but you already knew that
They’ve all come to look for America…..
Four intensive days attending a self-awareness retreat. Because that’s what it was, self-awareness from the internal structure of human cells to the unconscious vibrations we put out into The Field that surrounds us all. Most of all it was about getting in touch with my inner voice, the subconscious programs that run 95% of my life.
Turns out that most of my life was being run by all the crap I soaked up like a sponge before I was seven years old, and that left me prey to the greatest terror of all young children ~ the fear of abandonment. Even the youngest child instinctively knows that if his or her primary care givers abandon them, then they will surely die. That fear has been ruling my life for all of my life.
And, WTF, I am a uniquely capable and able grown man, who is more than equipped to look after himself in just about any set of circumstances, up to and including being shipwrecked on a desert island ~ and I won’t need a basketball to talk to.
The one thing that always unconsciously terrified me was the ending of a relationship with a woman ~ due to this whole fear of abandonment thing that was ruling my subconscious mind.
But, I know that now, and I also know how to change the programs that were ruling, and will continue to rule most of my life. (You can Never get away from the fact that about 95% of what you do, think, and say comes from your subconscious.)
I have found the real me , I know the real me, and I have changed 2 big things about me. I am no longer a bad carbon copy of my parents, (especially my dad), and I now longer fear abandonment.
The real me, the true me, is now a very cool and very capable guy 100% of the time.
Some say we can Never get away from our upbringing. And, that we can never really change our innermost thoughts, feelings, attitudes, hopes, and fears. All I know is that if you are prepared to work hard enough to find the fulcrum, then you can move your whole world.
don’t just go through the motions
Live a Cool Life instead
in the curves of her form a hero found his wanton goddess
a lover’s eternal choices
of feminine enchantments
exploiting sexual differences
intellectual harmony balances
emotions desired disharmonies
wants needs desires dreams lusts
pleasures’ ecstasies turned into dust