we are already found; already truly, entirely, messily, marvelously who we were born to be ~ Anne Lamont
Real bravery is not an absence of fear; real bravery is pressing on to do the right thing even though you may be very afraid. Real heroism is putting others first, even at your own peril. Real gallantry is showing courageous behaviour, and especially politely protecting and cherishing all women ~ no matter what.
Our modern word Hero derives from the classical Greek and Latin word Hērōs meaning “protector” or “defender” or “to safeguard”. A classical Hero is a warrior who lives and dies in the pursuit of honour. In ancient legend, How Horatius Held the Bridge as in the poem by Thomas Babington, and the 300 at the pass of Thermopylae. In modern times the first responders who went into the burning Twin Towers are rightly thought of as Heroes.
The journey of an individual towards selfless heroism follows a pattern, oft-repeated in myths, legends, history, by Hollywood. A relatively ordinary man, (heroes are almost always men), with more than his fair share of flaws and character defects, is thrust unexpectedly into an extraordinary situation. More often than not a group of innocent individuals are threatened with serious injury and death by some very evil people, or a malevolent force of nature.
This ordinary man is forced by circumstances, and probably against his will, to step up and save the potential victims from harm. Usually there is a woman, a romantic interest, somewhere in the background.
It will turn out that this reluctant hero has an unexpected and previously unrevealed skill, ability, and strength of character which will allow him to face down the bad guys, and thus save the day.
Our hero will probably suffer greatly, and be badly injured during his journey into heroism ~ sometimes he may die. Usually there won’t be a romantic reconciliation with the woman he loves ~ instead he will metaphorically ride off into the sunset, nursing uncomplaining his physical, emotional, and spiritual pain.
Hollywood has innumerable examples of this hero’s journey; High Noon, Die Hard, North by Northwest, Alien, (Ripley was a heroine), Star Wars, Shane, Valdez is Coming…. More importantly, this story is played out many times over in real life. And yet, these stories almost never have a happy ending.
Some say that true happiness is to have no ambition, and yet to work like a horse as if you had every ambition. And that it is to live apart from the cares of another, not need her, and yet still to love her. All I know is that true happiness is being wherever you are, and whomsoever you truly are, and not let that scare you.
it’s not the age honey,
it’s the mileage
my whole life is cracked, and nobody can put me back together again
I live in an empty room with a teddy bear called Marmaduke, everyone else in my life I have loved has cut me down.
Don’t tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.
Love is like glass, the brighter the glitter, the more easily broken.
Please listen responsibly.
the sea, a winter mirror
seen through a glass, darkly
jealousy is just love and hate at the same time
John Lennon could easily have written this song for every real man who has ever lived, up to and including me. Luckily I’m much, much better now.
Please listen responsibly.
jealousy is not cool
Love can be the infinite curse of a true heart.
If you believe that you love someone, then there’s no rhyme or reason about the way you think, feel, or behave. All of your various emotional and happiness chemicals just take over. Scientists say that there are 4 sets of these; dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and the endorphins which accentuate the effects of everything else. But, you have to add to that a whole bunch of other mind – brain – body stuff happening when you think you’re in love ~ such as an adrenaline rush every now and again. Add to that not eating, not sleeping, and drinking too much, and no wonder we get messed up when we believe we are in love, (or we are consumed by desire).
Our own default subconscious personality type also has a big part to play. For most of my life I suffered from an intense fear of abandonment caused by a serious psychological illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. This fear of abandonment thing either makes you utterly destroy a relationship you’re in, or hang on to a dysfunctional relationship long past the point you should have called it a day and walked away.
So this deep interest in / deep affection for / sexual desire for a particular person caused me no end of problems, because none of it was real. Multiply that by several women over time and you can see how a polite and generous Englishman could become seriously screwed up. And ‘screwed up’ is putting it very mildly.
If I tried I could probably work out how much these false love affairs / relationships / marriage had cost me in time, money and lost opportunities, but being a banker I’ll make a stab at how much ‘being in love’ has cost me in hard cash over the years. Roughly, to the nearest $100,000 ~ about $2.75 million. Thinking I was in love, with the wrong woman, has cost me more than most people will earn in a lifetime.
And what did I get in return? Bad sex.
Ah well, t’was ever thus. A fool and his money are soon parted.
you would think I should have learned my lesson by now
It is better to give than to receive ~ the hell it is…..
so, I went on some cool trips…..
Something is telling me that there is no mileage in being a caring guy. What good does it do me to care about other people’s feelings, to worry if they are upset, and to give a damn if they are happy, or not?
I know that some people go through life not giving a thought about the feelings, or wellbeing of others, and all in all it doesn’t seem to do those uncaring folks any harm whatsoever. As a matter of fact uncaring people tend to be richer and get more of what they want than do guys who actually give a fuck ~ such as me.
Uncaring people don’t devote their energies making sure that others are OK, instead they spend their time and energy getting what they want, and the devil take the consequences. Uncaring guys don’t buy their female friends cool and expensive gifts, or pay to take them on vacation, or always pick up the tab in bars and restaurants. Instead uncaring guys just fuck lots of women like animals.
So, somewhere, somehow, I’m doing something wrong. I care about other people a lot, and what does that get me, not a lot.
Some say that a leopard can’t change their spots. And, that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. All I know is that I’m going to stop giving if I get bugger all in return.
Cool hotels? A waste of money.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.
Unless we do something nothing happens, and if nothing changes then nothing changes. I can sit here and think about what I want out of life, what I need to keep me safe and healthy, and I can dream about the women and adventures I might desire, but unless I take some positive steps I most likely will never get anything on my wish list.
For much of my life I would even come up with well thought out reasons and excuses why I couldn’t have or get what I wanted. I didn’t have enough money, there just wasn’t the time, she doesn’t like me anyway, I’m too busy working…..
The truth was that I just didn’t have the courage or the realism to even try to get what I really wanted out of life. Nor did I have the focus or psychological adaptability to change what I wanted, if what I first wanted was clearly impossible. We can’t all be a rock star, and the truth is I never wanted to be. But there are some things that I wanted from a relationship, and I didn’t have the focus to make that work, nor did I have the guts to just walk away when it was clear that my relationships weren’t giving me what I wanted, needed, and desired.
However, somewhere along the way things changed for me. I wanted to be materially and financially prosperous enough that I could stop working for a living, and instead live a great life. That has happened. I wanted to stop being a miserable, judgemental jerk, and instead be a cool and charismatic guy. That has happened too.
What I want, need, and desire, right now, is to improve my relationship with a female friend, and I’ll work on that. If the relationship doesn’t improve in the ways I need, then I now have the emotional strength to just walk away.
Some say that we each have dreams and personal ambitions we want to fulfil. And, that we will always face great opposition to seeing our dreams come true. All I know is that if I don’t try to make my dreams come true, than nobody else will make them come true for me.
drinking and smoking will kill you,
but you already knew that
They’ve all come to look for America…..
Four intensive days attending a self-awareness retreat. Because that’s what it was, self-awareness from the internal structure of human cells to the unconscious vibrations we put out into The Field that surrounds us all. Most of all it was about getting in touch with my inner voice, the subconscious programs that run 95% of my life.
Turns out that most of my life was being run by all the crap I soaked up like a sponge before I was seven years old, and that left me prey to the greatest terror of all young children ~ the fear of abandonment. Even the youngest child instinctively knows that if his or her primary care givers abandon them, then they will surely die. That fear has been ruling my life for all of my life.
And, WTF, I am a uniquely capable and able grown man, who is more than equipped to look after himself in just about any set of circumstances, up to and including being shipwrecked on a desert island ~ and I won’t need a basketball to talk to.
The one thing that always unconsciously terrified me was the ending of a relationship with a woman ~ due to this whole fear of abandonment thing that was ruling my subconscious mind.
But, I know that now, and I also know how to change the programs that were ruling, and will continue to rule most of my life. (You can Never get away from the fact that about 95% of what you do, think, and say comes from your subconscious.)
I have found the real me , I know the real me, and I have changed 2 big things about me. I am no longer a bad carbon copy of my parents, (especially my dad), and I now longer fear abandonment.
The real me, the true me, is now a very cool and very capable guy 100% of the time.
Some say we can Never get away from our upbringing. And, that we can never really change our innermost thoughts, feelings, attitudes, hopes, and fears. All I know is that if you are prepared to work hard enough to find the fulcrum, then you can move your whole world.
don’t just go through the motions
Live a Cool Life instead
in the curves of her form a hero found his wanton goddess
a lover’s eternal choices
of feminine enchantments
exploiting sexual differences
intellectual harmony balances
emotions desired disharmonies
wants needs desires dreams lusts
pleasures’ ecstasies turned into dust
Should a guy always pay the tab in a fancy restaurant?
Following my ‘Shipping Forecast’ post earlier today, I have been roundly disabused about what women want. A close friend of mine has told me, in no uncertain terms, that most women do not want ‘guys who pick up the restaurant bill, arrange the vacations and buy the tickets, and who will go to wild parties and pretend to enjoy them……’
Funny, she could have fooled me, because where ever I have been with her, whatever great road trips we have been on, whenever we have been to a nice restaurant, or called at a cool bar ~ I have always paid for everything. And, from the first time I met her she has expected me to always pay for everything. (With the exception of a few drinks, or a meal once in a while…..)
Also she has expected me to enjoy meeting her family and friends at various lunches and get-togethers. Quite frankly I don’t want to get to know her family and friends. We don’t have that kind of relationship.
As it goes I don’t mind always picking up the tab, but I object when she says that’s not what she wants, and that it’s not what most women want.
Or, have I got things totally wrong, again?
the end of a great road trip
Perhaps every friendship needs an argument just to see how stable it is.
A serious long-distance argument blew up with my Californian friend and I yesterday ~ or the day before depending upon which time-zone you’re in. This disagreement was / is so profound that it may prevent me from taking a trip to New Mexico in November. This dispute may be so serious that it will poison our relationship for good and all.
And yet, seemingly it’s all about nothing.
My friend likes watching far-out science fiction shows on Netflix. Alone among my friend’s family so it seems does her adult nephew.
Ergo my friend announced that she and her nephew were going to have regular Friday evening TV sessions watching weird science fiction.
Somehow, to me, it seems uncomfortably unacceptable for her to regularly spend a lot of time alone with her young, married nephew on regular TV ‘dates’ in her home. And, I made the mistake of telling my friend of my feelings.
She said; ‘…..So you think me and my nephew are weird….. Is that what you’re saying? That’s really sick…..’
And that’s where we’re at now. Not talking with one another enough to sort anything out.
Perhaps what is odd and unacceptable to my generation of Englishmen is normal in California where the culture is totally different from here. I still don’t like it.
Am I utterly and completely wrong? You tell me ~ please.
perhaps I’m doomed to for ever being alone and lonely