a shared memory is worth a thousand words
sometimes, silence is golden
Reality is not what we think it is. People are not who we believe them to be. Memories are not real, and past only exists in memories. The future doesn’t yet exist, despite that almost everything we do is directed by what we want the future to be. And were it not for all that then the present would be very different from the Now we create for ourselves.
Suppose your much loved partner tells you something dark, difficult, and perhaps reprehensible about their past? The usual reaction, particularly the way men usually react, is to take that thing in your partner’s past and bring it right into the present. We can get angry and jealous about something that happened before we even knew our supposedly much loved partner. Retroactive Jealousy is real, powerful, and destructive. People also get angry with people who hurt their partner in the past, and then because they can’t do anything about that they get angry with their partner instead. Dragging the past into the present changes the Now, and then most likely goes on to change the future as well.
Conversely we can take our wants, needs, dreams, and desires, which only exist in an infinite number of possible futures, and drag them right into the present to create expectations. We may have a great relationship with someone, but then we think of the way we want things to be, and create for ourselves a slew of unrealistic expectations. What we have is what we have. What we want and desire only exists in the future. Basing the Now on what might happen in one of an infinite number of possible futures is a recipe for insane unhappiness.
Some ancient cultures believe that the Past, Present, and Future exist and happen all at the same time. Quantum physics pretty much says that too. But if we live in the days of future’s past we are going to get very unhappy very quickly.
To avoid being continually angry, jealous, miserable, resentful, and single it’s important to live in the Now. To do that we have to learn acceptance and understanding. We have to stop being jealous and judgmental. We might want to learn about meditation and mindfulness.
Trust me. I have made every single mistake I’ve talked about above, and then some.
I am very lucky I am not alone and lonely in this Now.
lonely, unloved, alone
there are so many good reasons to be happy
I’ve been miserable, depressed and stressed for months. All of that comes from within, but with a malevolent influence from something else. I would rather be happy than constantly suffering the slough of despondency. Most men are just as happy as they make up my minds to be. I’ve made up my mind to finally walk away from the alcohol that was the source of my unhappiness, and today I am happy.
So, some happy pictures for today.
Have a very blessed Tuesday.
the rocks were all painted by school children
something on my mind is keeping me awake
What the fuck am I doing up and about at one in the morning, drinking coffee? Something is on my mind, disturbing my sleep. When I find out what it is I’ll kill it.
Actually, I know what’s bugging me, and that isn’t helping at all.
that moon is from long ago
and very far away
to let go of the past, we first have to accept it
just one of the cars, just one of the hotels
For more than five years I was in a dysfunctional relationship with a woman I believed I cared for very deeply. Just about everything you can imagine being wrong, was wrong with that friendship ~ if that was what it was. And I was too willfully blind to see it. Call it lying to myself, or ignoring the obvious facts, or just call it denial. The plain truth was that because of my own unrealistic expectations, I was on a down-bound train to some very personal hell, and my conscious mind did not want to know.
My subconscious mind, my inner child knew all right. I spent years being miserable, torturing myself, and looking for some easy escape from my pain. I started to write this blog…. No that is not true, she found me through this blog, in March 2014, (or maybe earlier). What happened was that the things I started to write here changed. My posts became darker, filled with pain and angst as I tried to find some relief from my feelings. I went back to drinking, and every time my feelings got the better of me I would get the better of a few bottles of booze. I even tried therapy ~ although I never told my therapist the truth of it.
The worst thing I did was to invest more and more of myself in that one-sided relationship. I visited California often, and took my friend on great road trips, including to Wyoming to see the total eclipse of the sun. We went to some very expensive new-age seminars in Sedona AZ and Albuquerque NM. We found some great restaurants in Orange County, and breakfasted on the Queen Mary in Long Beach. I would send flowers and gifts on every possible occasion. And. I couldn’t see that everything I did made it worse.
Perhaps because I was going crazy during the coronavirus lockdown, but a couple of weeks ago I admitted to myself and others that I was in deep, deep trouble. Then I finally admitted why, and found the sense to tell my Californian friend that we needed to say goodbye.
I know that she is still in my mind, and will be for a while. But I have an Angel at my shoulder, and as long as she is watching over me I will stay free of the chains that once bound me.
alone again, naturally
don’t waste your life by reinforcing failure
even Marmaduke couldn’t get me to see sense
We all do it. Something isn’t working out so we try harder. We really suck at our job, so we put in more hours. Our relationship is going to hell in a handcart so we pick ourselves up and try again. Our partner stole from us, cheated on us, abused us….. so we forgive them and start over. This is called reinforcing failure, and it’s the biggest mistake anyone can make in Life, Love, and War. And, nobody really understands it.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again. ~ Robert the Bruce 1314
I was taught that quotation at school, all about the fable of Robert the Bruce, King of Scotland, and the spider. A lot of the time it’s very true that if we at first fail at something we should go back and work harder until we succeed. That was certainly true for me at grammar school, where it turned out that I could barely write and certainly couldn’t spell. As the three R’s are the whole basis of modern life I had to work very hard at English and Calligraphy until I became something of a wordsmith.
If there is no choice whatsoever, then we have to keep trying until we succeed. And yet, sometimes no matter how hard we try we are quite likely to waste our lives repeating the same mistake over and over again, because what we are trying to achieve is never going to work. Einstein knew this, and famously said;
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. ~ Albert Einstein
If what you are doing isn’t working, then you have to try something else instead. The problem is that people are creatures of habits and routines, who mostly don’t want to leave their own comfort zone. Most people don’t move house, change their jobs, or become of a different church and faith. Not often anyway.
Relationships are different ~ around half of marriages in the USA end in divorce. Some things in relationships are too intolerable to bear. But 80% of divorcees remarry and about 5% remarry their ex. Unless they do something very different in their new marriage then that’s going to turn to dross too.
Me, I spent years trying to make a toxic relationship work, by trying harder…..
Some say that when a relationship isn’t working it’s time to find someone else instead. And that you can’t expect someone to change just to keep you happy. All I know is that, in the relationship I just walked away from, I did the very best I could ~ most of the time.
Einstein also said;
reality is an illusion
albeit a very persistent one
it isn’t stalking if you don’t follow her home
This great track from British Band The Police is actually entitled Every Breath You Take, but the massage of the song is I’ll Be Watching You. It kind of fits my mood today. It isn’t the best love song ever written
Stalking? Nope, not me, not ever.
Once I walk away, I walk away forever.
not exactly my kind of woman
you are allowed to walk away from people that hurt you
finding ways to cope is no answer
I am guessing that everyone reading this has been in at least one toxic and dysfunctional relationship in their life. Some of us may have been in abusive relationships, and abuse includes mental, verbal, financial, sexual, and physical. The questions are not how we got into a bad relationship in the first place, but why we stayed in that friendship, affair, partnership, marriage long after it became painful and destructive? It’s like a kind of insanity, but a craziness where the victim actually knows they are insane.
It begins with just not knowing, not realising, how bad things are, and having no idea how much worse they are going to get. Trust me, no matter how bad things are, they will get worse, and then even worse than that.
Then, when we do know something bad we find ourselves just not believing it. We don’t believe that our partner stole from us, cheated on us, or just doesn’t care about us. Disbelief is different from Denial. Disbelief is thinking the weather girl is wrong when she says there’s going to be a hurricane. Denial is refusing to accept that the weather outside is as bad as it ever gets, even when the rain is lashing down and the winds are over 80 mph. Dysfunctional relationships always go from disbelief to denial.
Then, when we know and mostly accept that our partner is an avaricious bitch, an alcoholic slut, an uncaring bastard, a narcissistic liar, a sadistic abuser we begin to rationalise things and make bargains. We make bargains with our partner; ‘please don’t do that again…..’ and we make bargains with ourselves; ‘if he / she does that again I’m walking out…..’ That can go on for years, the bargains and rationalisations will change, but in reality it’s that we can’t bring ourselves to walk away. It might be that despite everything we still care for / love her or him.
It gets worse. We may stay in a toxic and dysfunctional relationship out of a sense of duty, or because we have nowhere else to go. Nowhere else to go might mean physically and financially, or it might mean we believe that any relationship, no matter how bad, is preferable to no relationship at all. Half a loaf is better than no bread…..
Take it from one who has just walked away from a woman, that it’s better to have no companion at all than to stay with someone who either takes pleasure in hurting you, or just doesn’t care at all.
walk away and never look back
you never lose someone you have truly loved
let the rains fall
and wash away her tears
let me be strong
and take away her fears
let me be kind enough
to wish her well
now she loves another
walking away from everything
deep down we already know the truth, we merely have to accept it
not all is well if she ignores you on a date
I needed to write this because the story of my life that has been related within these posts has always been true, but not necessarily the whole truth. At times the whole truth was too distressing for me to accept and understand, let alone write about.
At times my life demanded more of my inner resources than I had to give. And, when I failed and fell off the warriors path I risked doing far more damage than just scraping my knee. There was a time, years that ended just a few days ago, when being a sacrificial animal on the alter of someone else’s toxic wants, needs, and desires was an integral part of my mindset. Self-neglect resulting in unhappiness, depression, alcoholism, and physical illness also cost me a hell of a lot of time and money. I have now come to accept that some manipulative people can make being in a dysfunctional relationship seem perfectly normal. Of course, for a man like me that devious person had to be a woman ~ perhaps more than one woman. We go on making the same mistakes until we accept and understand our own denial. That is part of my truth.
I know that most men, including those at ease with problems of the greatest complexity, can seldom accept accept even the simplest and most obvious truth if it be such as would oblige them to admit the falsity of conclusions which they have woven, thread by thread, into the fabric of their lives. ~ Leo Tolstoy
Fortunately my mindset has changed. I can’t take much credit for that, but now I am seeking and finding real balance in my life, the critical differences that can prevent me from falling off the cliff and hitting yet another rock bottom. The critical differences between living well and living foolishly.
It’s time for me to practice self-care and self-love instead of martyrdom and victim-hood. I haven’t forgotten that these are not easy battles to win ~ not least because of my own previous denial. It’s difficult to admit the whole truth to others when you are lying to yourself. And from time to time I got drunk and went off-line just to escape from the truth, just to escape from a dysfunctional ‘friendship’ for a while.
Deep down I always knew the whole truth, I merely had to accept it.
Some say that it’s better to live with soft lies than learn from hard truths. And that having half a loaf is better than no bread. All I know is that if I accept the truth and live with it my heart will be at peace.
not all is well is she dates much younger men
not when she’s supposed to be dating you
never allow yourself to be someone else’s option
They will tell you that the end of a relationship is painful and traumatic. They will tell you that breaking up is hard to do. You know what. Ending it is easy, once you’ve made the decision, but make the breakup quick and clean, and never once look back. Maybe you want to give her or him a reason, but if you do say why, don’t be very nasty and impolite….. If you have to, then just say it’s over, and walk away. After all, there are some good people out there.
Some may believe that we should feel the way this song says we should feel at the end of a love affair. Trust me, you don’t have to be that sad. Being miserable is a choice.
Some say that breaking up is hard to do. And that it’s better to forgive and make up. All I know is that sometimes a man just needs to say; ‘enough is enough’, and walk away.
the hardest thing is never again talking with someone you used to talk to every day