if you learn self-control, you can master anything
waste in a wasteland
It’s Lent, which is all about abstinence and self-control. There doesn’t seem to be much self-discipline, self-control, or mastering difficult challenges about in the world today. Rather there seems to be a lot of neglect, waste, and self-indulgence. It’s waste of human life in a wasteland.
Addictions such as alcoholism, gambling, smoking, drug-taking, eating disorders, infidelity, and inappropriate casual sex seem to be rife ~ even among our senior politicians and bureaucrats, who are supposed to set an example to we ‘ordinary people in the street’, suffering the miseries of lockdown. I myself have had a drinking problem, but I am pleased to say that I haven’t touched a drop since Christmas. (There are none so self-righteous as a reformed addict.)
I am happy to tell you that I have learned self-discipline, self-control, and how to master difficult challenges. It wasn’t easy, but I am getting there.
All we have to learn is how to say ‘No’, especially to ourselves.
hanging around in bars is not an indication of self-control
I couldn’t let her suffer in a spooky down-market hotel
actually, for her, I could
toxic and malignant relationships are dangerous
doesn’t happen as often as some might desire
Why do so many good people find themselves in a toxic relationship? Is it because we expect people to live up to our own standards? If that’s true then a lot of us are going to be very disappointed a lot of the time. It’s worse than that, some women put themselves in danger by dating / having a relationship with / marrying abusive men. What some women never seem to learn is that men don’t change, what he’s like when you first meet him is what he is always going to be like.
The warning signs that people are not who they say they are include;
- being unreliable, frequently turning up late or not showing up at all
- being evasive about themselves, what they do, where they live, what kind of family they have
- being evasive about their past
- lying, and especially lying by omission
- never being the first to pick up the check in a restaurant or bar
- having a regular bar where they know all the other patrons, talking to everyone in a bar except you
- drinking too much, turning up stoned, being far too interested in sports
- being broke, owing money, trying to borrow money from you
- liking much older / younger friends and potential / actual sexual partners
- being too rough when you have sex, being too interested in porn, being more than just a little kinky, wanting to share you with someone else
The thing is, even if your date / partner / spouse is displaying some or all of these warning signs many men and women close their eyes to these negatives and only see their paramour through rose tinted spectacles. Or worse, some people are very aware of their date’s faults but go on seeing them anyway, with the unrealistic expectation that they will change, if only they are given a chance. Remember that a leopard never changes its spots.
If your gut is telling you that your date’s affection and protestations of love are false, then 99.9% of the time your gut is right, and you are being used and manipulated, Some toxic people will only pretend to love you as much as they can use you, and their fake love will end when the benefits stop.
The biggest signs that you have totally unrealistic expectations of your date / partner / spouse are that they stop being interested in sex with you, and instead get interested in sex with everyone and anyone else. If someone cheats on you then they don’t give a shit about you.
Some say that inside every bad person there is a good person trying to get out. And that if we just give someone a chance they will change for the better. All I know is that all of our expectations of another person are most likely unrealistic.
if your partner becomes amorous at parties, then it’s time for you to walk away
no Christmas please, we’re British
Here in England the government has become infested with a militant scrooge mentality, with a lot of the grinch thrown in. Eighteen million people in London and the South East are now forbidden to see anyone outside of their own households ~ no family Christmas for them.
In London and the South East of England; travel is not allowed, pubs, bars, restaurants, shops, and churches are closed, Christmas fun is forbidden.
Obviously face masks and all the previous lockdowns haven’t worked.
Look forward to a very Merry Christmas Everyone.
Unless you’re English ~ ashes are our lot.
It’ll be lonely this Christmas.
Christmas? Bah Humbug
your intellect may be confused, but your emotions never lie
some things are guaranteed to get you into deep shit
Rather a lot has happened this year. Beginning on my birthday the whole of England was condemned to various degrees of house arrest. We are now in Lockdown Day 256, almost nine months that the whole country has been in suspended animation. Probably for no good reason whatsoever the government has spent £394 billion of our money trying to stop a non-existent pandemic of the COVID-19 virus.
Nobody has been allowed to visit with anybody, and heaven forefend that you might want to make out with somebody you don’t live with 24/7. Here in England sex is just about forbidden ~ unless you are a member of the government that is.
We are not allowed to go anywhere, especially we English are not allowed to enter The Peoples Democratic Republic of Wales. Scotland is out of bounds for us Sassenachs too, but who in their right mind want to have anything to do with a country run by the wee ginger krankie? The Scots must be totally confused as they try to convince their heads of things their hearts know is a bunch of lies.
The police here have turned themselves into a cross between the East German Stasi and the Gestapo. Having a dozen of the boys in blue band together to arrest an innocent elderly lady for standing by the Houses of Parliament’s railings must be such fun for them. Mind you, they all acted like craven cowards when confronted with BLM protesters. Of all the crazy police forces in England the North Yorkshire Police have gone the furthest in coronavirus insanity. They are using automated licence plate recognition systems to identify and stop people from tier 3 areas entering their tier 2 Garden of Eden.
Every single politician and government official has shown themselves up for the ignorant buffoons they are. Gavin Williamson, England’s minister for education is the latest idiot, he managed to insult the whole world in a radio interview he gave about our early roll-out of Pfizer’s coronavirus vaccine. BTW, that stuff is mostly untested, and nobody has a
fucking clue about the long-term effects of this jab. You’d have to be crazy to have it. After you Boris.
And Boris Johnson, our ineffectual Prime Minister, has lost the plot. He is so in thrall to his current squeeze Ms Carrie Symonds that his government is set to adopt all of her mad ocean conservation, save the planet, green eco-warrior ideas. For example, all petrol, diesel, and hybrid cars and vans will be totally banned here from 2030. Really? How’s that going to work?
Meanwhile all pubs, clubs, bars, restaurants, are shut, by order.
You couldn’t make it up.
Boris and Carrie
the odd couple
decide which bridges to cross and which to burn
flashing your breasts in a restaurant is sexy, brave, and irreversible
Some decisions are just about irrevocable. When the Roman Legions marched into hostile territory their commanders burned all the bridges behind them ~ to stop the legionnaires from retreating. Aircraft flying across an ocean will eventually get to a place where they haven’t got enough fuel to go back, the point of no return ~ they can only press on to their destination. In relationships we say and do things which we can’t ever take back ~ cheating for example, or saying; ‘it’s over…..’ Make a decision like that and there is no going back. Or like the Roman Legions we have to build a new bridge to try to rekindle a broken romance.
More often than not I’ve seen that final decisions and final words come in the heat of the moment, when emotions are running high, and those are the kind of things that we regret later. On a long sales trip a man may cheat on his partner, have a one-night-stand with some woman who’s name he can barely remember, and regret it afterwards. But you can’t undo that kind of thing, we haven’t yet figured out a way to turn back time. All that guy has left is to decide if he is going to confess to his wife / partner, or risk lying by omission and being found out. If he confesses he has burned that bridge behind him and can only wait to see what she says and does.
We cannot unmake decisions, we cannot unsay words, and we cannot not do something we have already done.
Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. ~ Keri Russell
For example, it may seem a small decision to regularly hang out in bars, but eventually people who regularly hang out in bars have sex with some stranger they’ve just met in a bar. Decisions are like avalanches, one small lump of snow sliding down a hill creates a landslide that ends up burying a town at the bottom of the mountain. And yet we make small decisions every minute of our lives, and most of them are final and irrevocable. We get to a point of no return and just can’t ever go back.
Most of the time relationships run on automatic pilot. There are unspoken rules, ethics, morality, honesty, openness, trust, affection, friendship, and love. When we decide to do something that breaks those rules then we have burned our bridges behind us, and it’s up to another whether or not we will ever be allowed to rebuild those bridges.
pulling up your skirt to show your thighs to a room is a point of no return
a shared memory is worth a thousand words
sometimes, silence is golden
Reality is not what we think it is. People are not who we believe them to be. Memories are not real, and past only exists in memories. The future doesn’t yet exist, despite that almost everything we do is directed by what we want the future to be. And were it not for all that then the present would be very different from the Now we create for ourselves.
Suppose your much loved partner tells you something dark, difficult, and perhaps reprehensible about their past? The usual reaction, particularly the way men usually react, is to take that thing in your partner’s past and bring it right into the present. We can get angry and jealous about something that happened before we even knew our supposedly much loved partner. Retroactive Jealousy is real, powerful, and destructive. People also get angry with people who hurt their partner in the past, and then because they can’t do anything about that they get angry with their partner instead. Dragging the past into the present changes the Now, and then most likely goes on to change the future as well.
Conversely we can take our wants, needs, dreams, and desires, which only exist in an infinite number of possible futures, and drag them right into the present to create expectations. We may have a great relationship with someone, but then we think of the way we want things to be, and create for ourselves a slew of unrealistic expectations. What we have is what we have. What we want and desire only exists in the future. Basing the Now on what might happen in one of an infinite number of possible futures is a recipe for insane unhappiness.
Some ancient cultures believe that the Past, Present, and Future exist and happen all at the same time. Quantum physics pretty much says that too. But if we live in the days of future’s past we are going to get very unhappy very quickly.
To avoid being continually angry, jealous, miserable, resentful, and single it’s important to live in the Now. To do that we have to learn acceptance and understanding. We have to stop being jealous and judgmental. We might want to learn about meditation and mindfulness.
Trust me. I have made every single mistake I’ve talked about above, and then some.
I am very lucky I am not alone and lonely in this Now.
lonely, unloved, alone
there are so many good reasons to be happy
I’ve been miserable, depressed and stressed for months. All of that comes from within, but with a malevolent influence from something else. I would rather be happy than constantly suffering the slough of despondency. Most men are just as happy as they make up my minds to be. I’ve made up my mind to finally walk away from the alcohol that was the source of my unhappiness, and today I am happy.
So, some happy pictures for today.
Have a very blessed Tuesday.
the rocks were all painted by school children
something on my mind is keeping me awake
What the fuck am I doing up and about at one in the morning, drinking coffee? Something is on my mind, disturbing my sleep. When I find out what it is I’ll kill it.
Actually, I know what’s bugging me, and that isn’t helping at all.
that moon is from long ago
and very far away
to let go of the past, we first have to accept it
just one of the cars, just one of the hotels
For more than five years I was in a dysfunctional relationship with a woman I believed I cared for very deeply. Just about everything you can imagine being wrong, was wrong with that friendship ~ if that was what it was. And I was too willfully blind to see it. Call it lying to myself, or ignoring the obvious facts, or just call it denial. The plain truth was that because of my own unrealistic expectations, I was on a down-bound train to some very personal hell, and my conscious mind did not want to know.
My subconscious mind, my inner child knew all right. I spent years being miserable, torturing myself, and looking for some easy escape from my pain. I started to write this blog…. No that is not true, she found me through this blog, in March 2014, (or maybe earlier). What happened was that the things I started to write here changed. My posts became darker, filled with pain and angst as I tried to find some relief from my feelings. I went back to drinking, and every time my feelings got the better of me I would get the better of a few bottles of booze. I even tried therapy ~ although I never told my therapist the truth of it.
The worst thing I did was to invest more and more of myself in that one-sided relationship. I visited California often, and took my friend on great road trips, including to Wyoming to see the total eclipse of the sun. We went to some very expensive new-age seminars in Sedona AZ and Albuquerque NM. We found some great restaurants in Orange County, and breakfasted on the Queen Mary in Long Beach. I would send flowers and gifts on every possible occasion. And. I couldn’t see that everything I did made it worse.
Perhaps because I was going crazy during the coronavirus lockdown, but a couple of weeks ago I admitted to myself and others that I was in deep, deep trouble. Then I finally admitted why, and found the sense to tell my Californian friend that we needed to say goodbye.
I know that she is still in my mind, and will be for a while. But I have an Angel at my shoulder, and as long as she is watching over me I will stay free of the chains that once bound me.
alone again, naturally