Tag Archives: failed relationship

Honesty and Openness

Trying to make sense of crazy will drive you crazy.

working late again

There is a truism that everybody lies all the time.  People lie the most to those they are closest to, and often tell the honest and open truth to those that don’t matter at all.  The lies might be deliberate untruths, or a lie may be not telling the whole truth.  A lie by omission is still a lie.  Perhaps the biggest and most hurtful lies are when someone you care for just doesn’t tell you anything at all about something important to your relationship.

The biggest lies, the most lies, are about money and sex.  Someone who cheats on a partner is going to need to weave an immense tissue of lies.  Someone who steals, spends their partner’s money, dissembles, deceives, tricks, and seduces will undoubtedly always have been a liar, and will always be a liar ~ especially they will lie to themselves.

Because liars do not just lie to others, and since they also and always lie to themselves, they often don’t understand honour, honesty, and truth .  Trust me I’ve been there, I have compulsively lied to others, told tall tales, lied by omission, and lied to myself.  Maybe that was not my fault.  For years I suffered from a serious and undiagnosed personality disorder, an emotional illness that I found more than ordinarily difficult to cope with.

Being honest and open takes courage.  Finding an acceptable way to tell an uncomfortable truth takes a lot of emotional energy.  Letting someone know the real you by telling the unvarnished truth is not something many are prepared to do.

I appreciate people who tell me the truth in a gentle way, even when it’s tough to say.  ~  Karen Salmansohn.

Even harder than always telling the truth when asked is being open ~ allowing another person into your comfort zone, letting down the barriers you’ve built precisely to stop others from knowing the real you.  Not many are prepared to let anyone else know who they really, really used to be, are now, and their dreams, desires, and wishes for the future.  These are the most personal things imaginable, often difficult and painful to even think about, let alone talk of.  But it’s precisely because these things in our past, present, and future may be difficult, painful, embarrassing, shaming, and outside of societies accepted ethics that we should be prepared to share them openly and honestly with those we care for the most.

Some say that they never tell a lie, and that is always a lie.  And that they never hide the real truth, and that is always untrue. All I know is a a man is never more honest than when he admits himself a liar.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

and some people can’t help themselves

they are compulsive liars and always will be

walk away

Giving up Booze

alcohol is the world’s most addictive and most dangerous drug

Alcohol kills more people each year than all the other drugs combined ~ world-wide some three-million people a year will die from alcohol related causes.  Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, meth, prescription drugs, tobacco…. all added together don’t kill as many people as booze.  One third of all traffic fatalities involve alcohol.  Booze will cause alcoholic poisoning, malnutrition, strokes, heart attacks, diabetes, cancers, a fatal coma, liver failure, pancreatitis, pneumonia,  multiple organ failure, fatal accidents, suicides…..  And when you end up in the emergency room the doctors and nurses will treat you like shit.

Yet drinking booze is socially acceptable, in fact if you don’t drink most people will think you are rather strange.  And, if you used to be a boozer, and stop, and then go out with your old circle of friends, they will pressure you to take a drink and indulge all of your other addictions.  And these are supposed to be your friends?

If you drink, then over time your drinking will get worse and worse until it kills you.  Before the booze kills you, you will know physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual suffering.

Of all those people who try to stop drinking, only 2.5% will make it to 90 days sober.  Of that 2.5%, only 2.5% will make it to 2 years, that’s 2.5 people out of every 1,000 who will be sober 2 years after they made the decision to stop drinking.  Be one of the 0.25% who succeed.  You have a better chance of success if you get help.

Those who tell themselves that they want to control their drinking, or stop all together, may try some futile and self-destructive strategies;

  • lying to themselves about how much they are drinking ~ denial is dangerous
  • switching from spirits to wine to beer, drinking only organic booze
  • limiting the number of drinks they have ~ that never, ever works
  • resigning their job and moving from where they are to somewhere different ~ this is called doing a geographical
  • religion, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, taking anti-drinking medication ~ I have seen people on antibuse drink a hell of a lot in a session
  • drinking in different bars where nobody knows them
  • switching to a different addiction; smoking, gambling, unsafe casual sex, using other drugs, stealing, impulsive spending ~ although the chances are that real boozers were doing all those things at the same time they were drinking
  • joining a gym, sports club, walking club, doing yoga, meditation classes…..

None of the above really works because most boozers are liars and cheats.  You will drink again if you don’t do something radically different.  Take a long hard look at yourself and accept that nobody and nothing is responsible for your drinking except you, and what’s going on with you.  And if you are brutally honest with yourself, then you will probably be confused because you have no idea why you drink.  The brutal honesty is good ~ stay with that

Don’t worry about the confusion for now ~ for now, just stay away from that next first drink.  Next, stay away from everywhere you used to drink, and all those toxic false friends you used to drink with. Give up on all your other addictions.  Now find yourself some support; Alcoholics Anonymous, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, the church, sober friends, YouTube…..

And over the next 90 days find out the truth of why you drink, and deal with that.  In my case I was drinking because I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and now I am dealing with that.

Some say that you are just a worthless alcoholic, and will never think that you are anything else.  And some say that they never want to see you again.  All I know is that everyone has the angel of recovery inside them.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

single malt scotch was my drug of choice

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

even when I feel nothing, I feel it totally and intensely

Beautiful Nothingness

Personality disorders are a type of mental health problem where attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours cause longstanding difficulties in your life.  Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), is a serious mental illness characterised by extreme emotional instability, rapid and violent mood swings, and a terrible fear of abandonment.

There is no shortage of deception, abandonment, and betrayal out there.  The world is full of lying, uncaring, unstable people.  We may give our hearts, time, and spend our money to and for those who do not care for us as much as we would like them to, our expectations are not met, and this causes us much pain.  For those who have Borderline Personality Disorder any failure to meet their expectations creates immense suffering because it magnifies their extreme behavioral traits.

Sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), can exhibit 9 extreme behavioral traits or symptoms;

  1. Chronic and morbid fear of abandonment.  You would do anything to stop people from leaving you, yet you will make it happen.
  2. Intense, chaotic, and unstable interpersonal relationships; from intimate, to family members, to coworkers….. People around suffers of BPD often feel as though they are on an extreme rollercoaster.
  3. Unstable or no self-image, or sense of self.  Who am I?  Why am I here?
  4. Damaging impulsivity, self-destructive behaviour, behaving without thinking, taking risks; such as reckless driving, drink driving, problem drinking, casual sex, gambling, impulsive spending.
  5. Melancholia and depression leading towards self harm, thoughts of suicide, threats of suicide, attempted suicide. Sometimes the attempted suicide works and people die.
  6. Inappropriate, rapid, intense, and extreme mood swings; anxiety and depression, anger, euphoria…..
  7. A feeling of emptiness, pointlessness, ennui.
  8. Intense, immediate, inappropriate explosive anger that is difficult to control, followed by almost immediate remorse.  People walk on eggshells around someone with BPD.
  9. Severe paranoia, suspicion, disassociation, feeling spaced-out, out of body experiences.

to be diagnosed with BPD you suffer from 5 or more of the nasty things listed above.

People who have BPD do not handle stress or unexpected events well ~ the extreme behavioural traits listed above will get worse if the sufferer is under external or internal stress, or if something unexpected happens, or if they are told something they don’t expect.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, and from time to time I have exhibited all 9 of the traits listed above.  Like most people with BPD I cope very badly with stress and the unexpected.  I am also very prone to what is called Splitting, which is black and white thinking, complete focus; which means that people, places, and things are either all good, or all bad ~ but this judgement can change very rapidly.

Some say that I am too sensitive, that I feel too much.  And, that I always seem to destroy everything.  All I know is that I’m so happy that I can’t stop crying.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

sometimes pain is good

the thorns are as beautiful as the rose

Life Goes On

No matter what happens, life goes on, until the day you die

a murder of crows is a sign of good news

Most of us experience torment, pain, failure, disaster, and tragedy.  Most of us learn that love is blind and that love can be cruel.  Some may suffer from serious debilitating illnesses.  Others may have mental, spiritual, and psychological problems.  More than a few will battle an addiction for most of their lives.  Some may have hit rock bottom and struggle with shame and fear.  For many there will be no relief or comfort until it’s over, and a tragic few some may hasten the end through taking their own lives.

You may have experienced such moments yourself or observed those around you going through the slough of despond.  You, or a member of your family, or a loved one, or a friend, may have struggled for years to find a way to make it through each and every single fucking day.  It is in times like those that achieving goals, making plans, realising dreams, can seem a million light years away.  Instead time is spent coping with shock, pain, grief, sadness, depression, frustration, fear, tears, fighting not to take that next drink, or snort that next line of coke.  Emotions are raw and painful, feelings are negative in the extreme, and the mind can run away like an out of control dynamo.  Nothing means anythng, and nothing makes any sense.

In three words I an sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.  ~  Robert Frost

But, life goes on.  Most of us, given time, maybe given the right support at the right time, most of us are able to return to our dreams and goals, to our plans and schemes, and continue along the warriors path to one form of success or another.

For most of us the pain, grief, and sadness we have experienced will mean that we return to the warriors path stronger than we were before ~ wiser, kinder, more supportive, more accepting, and more understanding.  The struggle changes us, and it may be true that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.  Our priorities, our wants, needs, and desires will have changed as we fought our inner demons or struggled with the shit the world has thrown into our lives.  What may have seemed important to the shallow and inconsequential people we were before no longer matters to the toughened survivors we have become.  What may seem important to the ordinary folks around us matters not one jot to we who have endured hell and returned.

Some say that they just can’t go on, they can’t take it any more.  And that life has taken away everything they have ever loved, wanted, dreamed of, desired, and needed.  All I know is that when it is at its worst the important thing is to just keep putting one foot in front of another.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

find a way to make it

whatever it takes hold on to the light

Reinventing Yourself

Reinventing yourself is an essential process if you want to flourish

I came to a point in my life where I knew that I had to change, it was time to make a fresh start.  As we mature, as we learn and gain greater wisdom, it is inevitable that our goals, dreams plans, and expectations change.  And for some of us, struggling with difficult emotional, mental, and psychological problems, we know that we need to let go of that which doesn’t work any more, never really worked, and was never going to work as far as our personal life and relationships are concerned.

It’s first of all about letting go of expectations, resentments, and hard-wired negative emotions.  It’s about exploring and educating ourselves in new ways of living, it’s about finding ways to cope with those hard-wired negative emotions, it’s about discovering new ways of being, doing, thinking, and feeling.

Invent yourself and then reinvent yourself….. and reinvent your life because you must; it is your life and its history and the present belong only to you.  ~  Charles Bukowski

However, I kid you not, unless you are reinventing yourself as an even worse version of the person you are today, (and I have seen many do that), then making a fundamental change to who and what you are, is fucking very difficult.

You can become a new, different, and better person very easily using your conscious mind ~ but know this, your conscious mind is only in control of your actions for about 5% of the time, the other 95% of the time your subconscious mind is in charge.  And you can’t talk to your subconscious and tell it that you’ve changed because there is nobody in there.  Your subconscious is made up of a set of programs that just run in response to stimuli and rewriting those programs is next to impossible.

One proven way to do it is called Habituation or Act As If.  It’s like learning to drive a car, you practice and you practice until a new set of ‘driving programs’ is stored in your subconscious.  So if you want to stop drinking, smoking, taking drugs, gambling, having endless casual sexual relationships, being a jerk, being a thief…..  then you need to practice and practice not doing those negative things and instead be a better person until those new and better programs are stored in your subconscious.  It will take a year or two.

The snag is that your family, ‘friends’, coworkers, partners in crime, et al., will sabotage you at every turn.  If you’re trying to stop drinking / smoking / taking drugs and you go out with your old circle of friends they will encourage you to drink / smoke / use ~ and the chances are you will give in.  They will continue to label you as alcoholic, addict, slut, jerk, thief, chain-smoker….. in casual conversation and when describing you ~ and that is how they will always think of you.  And none of that is helpful.

The lesson is, if you are reinventing yourself you have to leave behind your old life ~ including all those unsupportive family members, false friends, and toxic relationships because they will do their utmost to drag you down into the past.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

your false friends would like to see you stay there in the gutter with a bottle

Focus on Things You Can Control

Putting your happiness in the hands of others is a short road to misery

Far too many men beat their brains out trying to change the world so that things are the way they want them to be.  In particular far too many men try to get a particular woman to love them, like them, want them, fuck them ~ and one thing men should learn is that you can never, ever, get a woman to do anything she doesn’t already want to do.  If a particular woman friend of yours is just a friend, then that’s probably what she is always going to be, and the chances of you getting her to be anything else are exactly zero.

Men should stop worrying about things they cannot control.  It’s a total and utter waste of energy, effort, and probably money.  Men should focus their energies, effort, and cash on things they can influence ~ and they should learn what it is they can change, and what they have absolutely no control over.  It’s astonishing how much time guys spend trying to change what they cannot change, and they then waste more time complaining about their woes, probably over a drink or two.

The answer is obvious, guys should simply focus on what is under their control and influence.

It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there’s nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control?  The activity of worrying keeps you immobilised.  ~  Wayne Dyer

Deciding what is, and what is not controllable is difficult.  Harder still when you have strong feelings about what isn’t happening to your liking.  Even harder when a woman is involved.  But, do guys really want to waste their precious time focusing on the wrong things?  Trying to change something, or someone you have no influence over whatsoever is a long downhill road to unhappiness.

The big problem is that to decide what you can and cannot do means first of all taking a long, hard, and honest look at yourself.  Few guys want to go there.  But, if you want to be happy then first of all start with yourself.  If you can’t get a date, stop complaining about it and take a look in the mirror.  Almost every single man on this planet can improve his look, his manners, his conversation, and his charm.

True happiness comes first of all from within.  Change yourself for the better and the world will change around you.

Some say that they just never get a break.  And that if only people would do what I wanted, then I could be happy.  All I know is that I’ve stopped worrying about things I cannot control.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

real men have the courage to take a long, hard, and honest look at themselves

Unhappiness Doesn’t Work

Some don’t even ask for happiness, just a little less pain.

I’ve spent a lot of my life being miserable, angry, jealous, paranoid, depressed, in mental and spiritual pain.  From time to time I’ve shared my pain with others, especially those close to me.  In that I don’t mean that I’ve sat down and had a quiet and reasoned discussion. On the contrary, I’ve shared my pain by attacking people close to me verbally and in writing, or by just disappearing, or by getting drunk on the very spurious grounds that it would make others worry about me.

Just what part of my subconscious mind was hard-wired to think that being unhappy would do anything for me?  Except to exist in a state of unhappiness and pain being unhappy achieves very little.  To a sane mind, being unhappy should act as a spur to change whatever it is about one’s life that is making you unhappy ~ except it almost never does, because very few people have that degree of grounded and mindful sanity.

For many people being unhappy, miserable, angry, jealous, paranoid, depressed, in mental and spiritual pain becomes their normal state of being, it becomes their comfort zone.  And how utterly sad that one’s comfort zone is a place of utter and total negativity.

For some others those negative feelings act as a spur to find an escape ~ in alcohol, drugs, binge eating, gambling, pornography, inappropriate casual sex, self-harm, attempted suicide, making a big geographical change…..  For me, the escape from being in a bad dark place was always alcohol ~ and that worked for a while, just as all those other addictive behaviours may work for a while.  However, very quickly the cure becomes far worse than the problem of unhappiness, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain.

Addictive behaviours are not a cure, they are just another facet of the kaleidoscope of some serious underlying issue deep in the subconscious mind of the sufferer ~ it’s like throwing a drowning man a concrete lifebelt, or trying to put out a fire by throwing petrol, (gasoline), on it.  Giving someone with depression a bottle of booze and encouraging them to go out and fuck the first person they meet in a bar is just as bad ~ all it will do is destroy any feelings of self-worth they had left.

So why are so many people seriously unhappy, to the point that it can be classified as a mental illness?

Because we learned to be unhappy before we were old enough to know any better.  Before we were seven years of age, deep and undying unhappiness was inculcated into our subconscious mind by our parents, carers, older siblings, teachers, et al., and now it’s hard-wired into our subconsciousness.  And it doesn’t work.

How we break out of the downward spiral of misery will have to be the topic of another post.  This post is too long already.

Some say that they are unhappy because the world is a bad place.  And it’s all going to be OK because their doctor has given them some happy pills.  All I know is that unhappiness and misery doesn’t work.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

booze is a bad way to try to find escape from mental, emotional, and spiritual unhappiness

 

 

 

Forgiveness

To truly forgive is to set a prisoner free, and discover that the prisoner was you.

Looking back, I never learned what it means to truly forgive someone.  Worse than that, my morbid fear of abandonment makes it extremely difficult for me to forgive anyone I believe has / will / may betray me. 

Refusing to forgive has never made me feel better about anything.  All I was doing was holding on to negative feelings of upset, anger, jealousy, resentment, and a desire to somehow get even.  And all that has ever done for me has been to drive me deeper into the Abyss.

Resentment and holding on to anger is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  ~  Malachy McCourt

The worst of it is that I can become angry, resentful, jealous, paranoid, and believe that someone has betrayed me ~ when it’s really all in my own mind.  I can feel abandoned and betrayed by things that a friend did in the past, maybe years before we even knew one another.  The reason I am hurt may be just crazy, but the hurt is real, and the forgiveness I need to feel should be real as well.

To create even a moderately successful life I should forgive others who have hurt or offended me, even if the offence, betrayal, or hurt is really all in my own mind.  I need to learn forgiveness, not because I believe someone close to me was right, or because I can forget what they have done, but because forgiving will free me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  By forgiving I can allow myself to move on with my life ~ I can get my feet back on the warrior’s path.

Forgiving others will allow me to finally learn to trust.  Honest and real forgiveness will be a part of me learning to build relationships with others, instead of always having unstable and dysfunctional relationships which usually end with one of us just walking away.

Forgiveness will release me from my self-built dungeon of extremely dark and negative feelings.

Some things I will never forgive.  I will not forgive the low-life vermin who burgled my place a short while ago.  Come the Revolution they will be the first up against the wall and shot.

Some say that forgiving others is weak and stupid.  And that to forgive means that you weren’t actually hurt, upset, or angry in the first place. All I know is that I must forgive others for the sake of my own well-being.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

with forgiveness, it can be a Wonderful Life

Cool Put Downs

Lifting the blinders is always dangerous.

There is a history among men and women of the short put-down, to be said when the bad guy bites the metaphorical dust ~ or when the good guy dumps the bitch.

There is a long, long collection of these, from; beware the ides of march to; look into the eyes of the dragon and despair.  I like;

~

~  and

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

and if you’re dumping a particular kind of an older woman,

there’s always; cooo cooo ca choo

Questions and Answers

If you don’t want the answer, then don’t ask the question.

you will never find the answer at the bottom of a glass

There are always more questions than answers, and each new answer raises more, and more difficult questions.  Sometimes we don’t want to hear the answer that we get.  Sometimes we shouldn’t have asked the question in the first place.  And, sometimes the answer we get isn’t the truth.

Life is as simple as these three questions:  What do I want?  Why do I want it?  And, how will I achieve it. ~  Shannon L. Adler

All of those simple questions are very difficult to answer, because either we don’t really know what we want, or if we actually get what we think we wanted, then we realise that we didn’t truly want it at all.  More often than not this is the great truth of Love.

The two great questions of love are in the simple phrase; ‘She loves me ~ She loves me not…..’  As if plucking petals from a daisy could possibly answer the question of if she loves you or not.  One may as well resolve one’s doubts by tossing a coin and saying; ‘heads I dump her, tails I stay with her.’  Actually, tossing a coin and asking that question does work ~ because while the coin is in the air we will decide which way we truly want the coin to fall.

Being something of a mechanic when it comes to games of chance, that tossing of a coin to get an answer doesn’t truly work for me.  I can make a coin fall whichever way I like.  I cheat, which isn’t truly getting an answer.  My doubts about interpersonal relationships, sex, desire, and love can never be resolved by random chance.

All people have doubts, mostly everyone has the same doubts, and more often than not these doubts are troubling.  Often these doubts are created in our own minds because we make assumptions based on incomplete evidence, and we take these assumptions very personally.  If we stubbornly wish to be unhappy we look for evidence to prove our worst assumptions, and if we can’t find the evidence and answers to back up our assumptions, then we just create negative answers in our own mind.

My own personal doubts are created because I have an almost perfect memory, so anything anyone says to me stays in my mind, and I can build cloud castles of negative answers based on a single phrase said in passing.

Some say that if we don’t want to know the answer then we shouldn’t ask the question.  And that every answer creates more, and more difficult questions.  All I know is that we only ask questions when we think we already know the answers.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

booze is never the answer

but it will make you forget the question

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