Tag Archives: failed relationship

What Some Women Say They Don’t Want

Should a guy always pay the tab in a fancy restaurant?

Following my ‘Shipping Forecast’ post earlier today, I have been roundly disabused about what women want.  A close friend of mine has told me, in no uncertain terms, that most women do not want ‘guys who pick up the restaurant bill, arrange the vacations and buy the tickets, and who will go to wild parties and pretend to enjoy them……’

Funny, she could have fooled me, because where ever I have been with her, whatever great road trips we have been on, whenever we have been to a nice restaurant, or called at a cool bar ~ I have always paid for everything.  And, from the first time I met her she has expected me to always pay for everything.  (With the exception of a few drinks, or a meal once in a while…..)

Also she has expected me to enjoy meeting her family and friends at various lunches and get-togethers.  Quite frankly I don’t want to get to know her family and friends.  We don’t have that kind of relationship.

As it goes I don’t mind always picking up the tab, but I object when she says that’s not what she wants, and that it’s not what most women want.

Or, have I got things totally wrong, again?

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

the end of a great road trip

So, my friend and I have really fallen out

Perhaps every friendship needs an argument just to see how stable it is.

A serious long-distance argument blew up with my Californian friend and I yesterday ~ or the day before depending upon which time-zone you’re in.  This disagreement was / is so profound that it may prevent me from taking a trip to New Mexico in November.  This dispute may be so serious that it will poison our relationship for good and all.

And yet, seemingly it’s all about nothing.

My friend likes watching far-out science fiction shows on Netflix.  Alone among my friend’s family so it seems does her adult nephew.

Ergo my friend announced that she and her nephew were going to have regular Friday evening TV sessions watching weird science fiction.

Somehow, to me, it seems uncomfortably unacceptable for her to regularly spend a lot of time alone with her young, married nephew on regular TV ‘dates’ in her home.  And, I made the mistake of telling my friend of my feelings.

She said; ‘…..So you think me and my nephew are weird…..  Is that what you’re saying?  That’s really sick…..’

And that’s where we’re at now.  Not talking with one another enough to sort anything out.

Perhaps what is odd and unacceptable to my generation of Englishmen is normal in California where the culture is totally different from here.  I still don’t like it.

Am I utterly and completely wrong?  You tell me ~ please.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

perhaps I’m doomed to for ever being alone and lonely

 

I now know Exactly why I’m a lunatic

Knowing that you’ll push everyone away is tough to deal with.

Some people suffer.  Some people are in constant mental, psychological, and spiritual pain.  Those people may find themselves doing crazy and impulsive things, drinking too much, using drugs, getting into inappropriate and dysfunctional sexual relationships, pushing away everyone that truly cares for them, isolating themselves…..  Those people may be suffering from a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder ~ they may need professional help.  They may act like a lunatic.

People with even mild Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD),  do very strange things; they test the people who care for them by doing things which are really socially unacceptable ~ for example constantly being late, flirting inappropriately, expecting and needing gifts lavished upon them.  They have extreme reactions to the thought of being abandoned and / or rejected.

People with BPD have a propensity to enter into dysfunctional and unstable romantic and sexual relationships / have casual sex / cheat / commit adultery with monotonous regularity.  They tell themselves their sexuality is normal.  They are impulsive and have intense, highly changeable moods.  Paranoia, anger, ennui, and emptiness all come easily to those who have even the mildest touch of BPD in their psyche.

They tell themselves that they like being alone in their comfort zone

Suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is difficult, but the situation isn’t hopeless.  Recovery is possible, growth is certain, becoming a better person is the eventual reward for all that suffering.  I should know, I have been at the very Gates of Hell because for most of my life I suffered from undiagnosed and untreated BPD.

But now I know.  I know what caused me to push people away from me all my life; it’s a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder.  If you don’t get close to people they can’t hurt you, and if you push someone away hard enough that they leave you, well that just means you were right about them all along…..

Knowing Exactly what’s wrong with you is very liberating.  Knowing Exactly why you have suffered and are still suffering is even more liberating.  And, I know Exactly why I developed Borderline Personality Disorder.

When I was about four-and-a-half years old, the woman who loved me most, the woman who cared for me, got sick and died.  She was my nana, my maternal grandmother.  And nobody told me that she’d died, my parents didn’t explain, there was a wall of silence, and I thought she’d abandoned me because I wasn’t good enough.

That one event blighted my whole life ~ until now.

Some say that it’s good to be mean to the one who loves you, because if they stay with you it proves that they love you.  And, that if they leave you it proves that you were right to be mean to them all along.  All I know is that only the mentally ill can like being alone and lonely.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

You can get so that everything seems normal

even crazy, vicious, evil mood swings

even turning into a Mr. Hyde

the quality of virtue is strained

In the end she will destroy everything, including herself. 

sex

anger

paranoia

zero answers

excepting voices

of inner clairvoyance

poisonous darker choices

noisome joyless evil sacrifices

a dysfunctional friendship loveless

he is a lover, not a warrior, nor a sinner

go?  leaving her behind, giving it all away?

sex, anger, voices, poisonous choices, paranoia

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

she can fully explore her sexuality

in the end he can just walk away

Living Within Lies

We live in a world of illusions and fantasies, lies and deceptions.

In my life I have often seen and heard what I wanted to see and hear, not what was really there at all.  I was never willing to separate fact from my own fictions, to see what was actually going on around me.  And yet, for relationships and connections to endure, reality and truth must be embraced whole-heartedly, one cannot go on looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses.

Consequently I oft-times found myself walking down dead-end streets and staying with totally dysfunctional relationships.  I missed the many good opportunities the universe was sending me, any of which could have transformed my life.  Being faithful and steadfast is all very well, but not when I was living within a tissue of lies and falsehoods.  Being generous and kind is all very well, but not when I was pouring time, money, and love into a bottomless well and receiving little or nothing in return.

Ultimately, my behaviour was negative and destructive of my own self-awareness, self-confidence, and self-esteem.  Through not really facing the truth I would become paranoid, suspicious, jealous, frustrated, and angry.

Today I am ready to accept and understand the mistakes of the past, end the chapter, close the book, and allow progress and positive growth to happen.  For that I need complete self-honesty and better self-awareness.  Only then will real change lift me emotionally and spiritually out of the darkness that sometimes surrounds me ~ washing over me like a cold wave in the depths of a grey autumn.

Parts of my dark psyche still linger from my past negative behaviour; anger, bad temper, marginal propensity to alcoholism, pain, jealousy, frustration, resentments, selfishness, impulsiveness…..

This October, when my opposite and partner star-sign of Libra is in the ascendant, I can see clearly the person I used to be, the person I am now, and the man I shall become.  I am more than just the two-dimensional image that stares back at me from the mirror.  Now I am wiser, more open and ready to see change in my life.  The lessons that must be learned are how to understand and accept the truth and not surrender to illusions.

Some say that change is bad, and today should be the same as yesterday, while tomorrow should be pretty much the same as today.  And that they are perfectly happy living mundane and routine lives.  All I know is that I can and will separate truth from fiction.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

though it may twist and turn, the warrior’s path goes onwards and upwards

Lucky Jack?

Only a fool will let miserable situations run on from year to year.

Despite everything, there have been some dark clouds over my head.  Ergo yesterday, on a whim, I took a train ride to the nearest big city to do a little shopping.

More than just going shopping yesterday, and buying whatever took my fancy; in a few weeks I’m going to New Mexico to attend a ‘new-age’ retreat, and I’ve just booked a week on the Algarve for over the Christmas Holidays.  That Christmas trip will be my 6th vacation this year.  How fortunate is that?

Oft times I tell you of my woes, bemoaning my luck, revealing the darker parts of my psyche ~ and yet there are so many others who are far worse off than I.  Even in this moderately wealthy country, this green and pleasant land that is England, much misery abounds.  There are those who struggle to find the next penny, let alone have the cash and freedom to just take off whenever they feel like it.

And, in America, that Land Of The Free there are more people living on the streets than a supposedly civilised country should countenance.  Some say those people are just down on their luck ~ some bad luck America.

Without revealing too many confidences; yesterday I had to give a friend enough money for petrol, (gas), to allow her to visit her son who had been rushed into hospital.  Even some of my friends aren’t as fortunate as I.

Maybe I want so much that I aim too high, and just going off shopping, or taking a vacation, is ultimately less than satisfying for me.  Those foreign trips may put me under a different sky, but I still often feel alone and unsatisfied.  Perhaps this is because I have unreasonable expectations, or that I am acting with selfishness, or it may be that I am not living a mindful life anyway.

One hope is that my upcoming New Mexico trip will give me some new psychological tools to put in my bag.  Another is that as I become more self-aware and more self-confident, I will be able to look at my life, my relationships, my wants, needs, desires, and dreams in a more honest and mindful way.

Some say it’s not what you keep that matters, it’s what you are prepared to leave and lose.  And, that if you have doubts about people it’s time to walk away.  All I know is that the harder I work at things, the luckier I get.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Living on the streets is not much fun

blame it on the moon

Poets, lovers, and lunatics have such seething brains.

lost and alone, dismal depressed heartsick

I didn’t want to get angry again so soon

I spoke with her in the late afternoon

and I thought I was now immune

you can blame it on the moon

I’m still just a bitter lunatic

blame it on the moon

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

It’s just the dark of the moon.

I have my problems.

The first step in solving a problem is to admit that you have it.
And, the second step in solving a problem is to tell someone about it. 

For me, the savage black dog of depression is never very far away.

There have been many times that I have been in denial about my problems.  And, there have been many times that I tried to solve my problems on by own, through will-power and self-control.  Yet, nobody can solve all their problems without help from others.

A lot of the time I have created my own problems through my own character defects, such as; anger, controlling, depression, drinking too much, fear, impulsiveness, being judgmental, jealousy, and lack of self-confidence…..  Also I convince myself that I am in love far too easily and far too often.

Partly these character defects are the result of a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, and partly they are down to my own desires, lusts, and need for instant gratification.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I can’t go on ~ I always have the feeling that I don’t belong ~ that I am just not good enough.

No man can be a hero every day, and some days I just don’t try.  But, on the days I do try, I try to be honourable, true, honest, bold, and brave.  On those days I try to walk the warrior’s path with real and honest virtue.

Words are cheap, but sometimes words are all I have.

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Maybe I’ll live so long I’ll forget her.

Maybe I’ll die trying.

The Noble Art of Not Giving a Fuck

Achieve your dream life by rejecting pressure entirely.

Fear is mostly learned.

Low self-esteem is learned.

The experience of sin is learned.

Fear, expectations, obligations, shame, negativity, the notion of sin, anxiety, nervousness, shyness, cynicism…, plague most of us, and none of these are real, these are just emotions, these are things that we have allowed others to teach us.

A lot of our negative character traits are things we have learned through life; arrogance, addictions, alcoholism, brutality, complacency, criminality, dependency, envy, greed, intolerance, jealousy, lying, paranoia, promiscuity, timidity, vindictiveness…..  We are not born with these character defects, we had to learn them, and they are not real, even though they feel very real.

Life is too short to spend in negativity.  So I have made a conscious effort not to be where I don’t want to be.  ~  Hugh Dillon.

Our thoughts, feelings, emotions, feel incredibly real.  My own thoughts, feelings, and emotions were very real to me, and they ruled my life.

I could become very paranoid, jealous, and angry about my partner’s past ~ and that is insane.  The past cannot hurt me, and there’s nothing I can do about it anyway.

We should not be a product of our negative thinking.  We are not our thoughts, feelings, emotions, preconceptions, and assumptions.  If we wish it we have free will.

Other things bothered me a lot; cyclists, bad drivers, charities, environmentalists, the medical profession, people in uniform, politicians, the stupid and the lazy people in this world…..  I spent a lot of my time being annoyed, frustrated, and bad-tempered.

What I needed was a new way of looking at the world, a new way of dealing with all the bad stuff that was ruling and ruining my life.

What I decided was that, deep down, I didn’t actually care about any of this stuff, in exactly the same way that I don’t care one jot for the idea of Catastrophic Anthropogenic Climate Change, (man-made global warming).  What I decided was all this stuff that had been bothering me, all the people and organisations that had been bothering me, could just Fuck Off.

I no longer give all this pernicious negativity permission to affect my life.

Now I can tell the World to; ‘Fuck Off and Have a Nice Day.  Don’t Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out, and Please Don’t Keep In Touch.’

It’s a very empowering attitude.  Obviously I don’t often actually say that out aloud, but just thinking it generates a very liberating feeling.

Try it.  If something or someone upsets you, mentally tell yourself that you don’t give a fuck.  If negative thoughts, feelings, emotions are plaguing you, then mentally tell yourself that you don’t give a fuck.

If some insane attitude or weird preconceptions of your own are ruining your life, just tell yourself that you don’t give a fuck, that you don’t even want to know.

Some say that we should be caring and compassionate, that we should give until it hurts.  And, that we should accept the pain of the world and everyone in it.  All I know is that I don’t give a fuck.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

don’t let other people control your life

Just Enjoy the Journey

To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive.

In this modern world most of us are driven by results, we do things in order to achieve a desired outcome.  In this modern world hardly anyone enjoys the journey, what most people want is to get to their destination as quickly as possible.  And yet, psychologists know that what our mind and spirit seek most are experiences, and not results.

In my working life I was extremely results oriented, I always had innumerable written plans to ensure that each of my projects produced a specific outcome, with specific deliverables, on specific future dates.

Consequently I was always in a hurry, impatient, driven, aggressive, competitive, egotistical, and unforgiving.  To a certain extent these character traits are useful in business, but I also carried these characteristics into my personal life.  That may be natural, unavoidable, but it certainly isn’t useful, and it certainly wasn’t the true me.

Aggression only moves in one direction ~ it creates more aggression.  ~  Margaret J.  Wheatley

Nobody sane wants a good friend or partner who is always in a hurry, impatient, driven, aggressive, competitive, egotistical, and unforgiving.  Oh, and I was also very manipulative…..

Because of my conflicted and driven life I was continually unhappy, and continually ill.  I was also continually afraid of failure.  My life was mostly joyless.

I no longer believe that it’s the outcome that matters most to our mind and spirit.  What I believe is that it’s experiences that matter most to us, and not the eventual deliverables.  In other words it’s the journey, and not the destination which teaches us the most.  Like all things in Life this is probably not a yes / no, black / white, male / female thing.

The yin and the yang are opposite forces.  Yet, they exist together in the harmony of a perfect orb.  ~  R. A. Wise

I have come to believe that somewhere in between the yes and the no lies a place where either, none, and both exist simultaneously.  I have come to believe that the past, present, and future exist simultaneously.  And, I have come to believe that it is the journeys that really matter to our body, mind, and spirit ~ not the destinations.

In other words it’s how we live each moment that matters most, not what we eventually achieve.

Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realise they were the big things.  ~  Robert Breault

Some say that life is somewhere between an experiment and an adventure.  And, that if you follow all the rules, you’ll miss all the fun.  All I know is that nothing is more important than this day, this hour, this minute…

The sun may not always shine, so enjoy it while you can.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

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