there is a magic in truth, and honesty, and openness
eclipsing the truth
Everything I write on this blog, at least everything I have written recently is the brutal truth. I don’t hold anything back, to the best of my ability I tell you exactly what is in my heart. The post I wrote yesterday, Why I’m Still Alive, is a case in point. I could have dressed that story up, made myself look a little better, perhaps garnered more sympathy from you. But, why would I do that? If I am going to write anything at all about myself it has to be true, and not just part of the truth, but the entire truth. There are some caveats; I am not an Ernest Hemingway nor a Philip Roth, and the format I’m writing in is a blog, and a blog post needs to be fairly short and pithy. But over and above all that, this is me, and everything I write is coloured and edited by that simple fact.
Also, but only to a certain extent, I choose what to write about. Some of my posts I just know I have to write, and they flow onto the screen without any conscious thought, those posts arise fully formed from my deepest subconscious mind. Ergo, they have to be true, because I’m not even certain that the subconscious knows how to lie.
Why write this painful stuff at all?
Because it’s therapeutic, because I like to know what you think about me and the things I have revealed to you, because if I didn’t write this stuff it would go around and around in my mind like a rat on a wheel. It’s cathartic to write the brutal truth. If I lied, or told less than the truth, then you would know, and most likely you would respect me less. However, how easy it is for people to believe the lie.
How easy it is to make people believe a lie, and how hard it is to undo that work again. ~ Mark Twain
Most liars can’t remember all the lies they’ve told, and if they’re lying by omission what they have said and what they haven’t said. It’s easy to for me to remember the truth, but if I ever lied I’d have to keep referring back to old posts.
A liar should have a good memory. And a liar’s worst enemy is someone else with a good memory. ~ Quintilian
Some say that everybody lies all the time. And that a little white lie never hurt anyone. All I know is that all lies are toxic and destructive, especially lies of omission. Trust me, I will always tell you the absolute truth.
thou shalt not bear false witness
it takes strength and courage to admit the whole truth
You may be aware that in the last few days I have undergone something of a transformation, and it seems the man I have become has a dedication to truth, honesty, and openness. That is not necessarily a completely good thing. Already I have found that there are innumerable situations where complete honesty wouldn’t be appropriate. If someone is promulgating a web of lies about who and what they really are, it seems to me that it’s better if I ignore all that, keep quiet, and allow them to live their life of sad, dishonest, illusions, and delusions.
Hell, for all of my life I lived as versions of me that were only mostly true. That was not my fault, maternal neglect can have a negative effect on your whole life.
If someone wants to hide what they did in their past, and never mention the reprehensible things they have done to give the impression that they are someone and something that they are not and never have been, then maybe it’s better that I ignore that too. After all, if someone is mostly hiding their past, then it means they don’t want others to know about it, including me.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped and packaged boxes full of fucking shit.
In general, if someone is hiding their past it either means they are ashamed of it, or scared of your reaction if they tell you about it. Hiding or denying your past doesn’t work, because sometime, somewhere, someday, somehow you will come up against someone who knows all about you. And the chances are they will tell your new and innocent friend just exactly who and what you used to be ~ either by accident or on purpose.
There are lots of reasons people hide or deny their past, or even who they really are right now; alcoholism, criminality, unpaid debts, drug taking, promiscuity, prostitution, sexual deviance, marriage, children….. But, all of these things are matters of public record, and you can hide none of the above for very long.
I will throw out one piece of advice, don’t lie to me unless you’re absolutely certain I will never find the truth. And even in the days of my crazy alter-egos of myself, I always found the truth.
Mean and toxic people don’t bother me. Mean and toxic people who disguise themselves as nice and honest people bother me a lot. ~ Cindy Cummings Johnson
Some say that everybody lies. And that if someone is hiding their past, then they must have a damn good reason. All I know is that liars need a very good memory, and most people have very poor memories.
every time you tell another lie you handcuff yourself just a little tighter
trusting her is my decision, proving me right is her choice
Everybody lies ~ that’s one of life’s great truths. So, why would I ever want or need to place my trust in another person? I can put things more bluntly; I suffer from a serious mental health problem called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which makes it extremely difficult for me to ever trust anyone, particularly someone that I care for. It’s common for someone with BPD to find it very difficult to trust, even though I may have a deep need for validation from other people. That means I will lash out when I think someone has betrayed me, is betraying me, or might desert me.
Anyone with any personality disorder, especially with BPD, will have a history of very rocky relationships, especially romantic relationships. Borderline Personality Disorder causes constant and extreme mood swings and changes in emotional states, from doting and affectionate one minute, to abusive and pushing your partner away within just a few hours. If you either suffer from that horrible personality disorder, or if you are close to someone who does, you will find that trust comes very hard.
And, why should we trust at all? Why should we ever give another the chance to betray and hurt us? Why should we risk being lied to and deceived?
Things come apart so easily when they have only been held together with lies. ~ Dorothy Allison.
All those with a personality disorder are compulsive liars and deceivers, and most of their relationships end in chaotic and traumatic breakups. This is true until they begin to recover. In recovering from a personality disorder the ‘former sufferer’ will become desperate to create and build trust in all of their relationships ~ and this takes a lot of time.
There are some things that I know I can do;
- Keep to my word and follow through with my actions.
- Learn how to communicate truthfully, openly, and effectively.
- Stop speaking and acting impulsively.
- If I’m wrong, or I’ve made a mistake, then admit it.
- Stop lying and deceiving ~ always be honest with myself and everyone else.
- Do what I believe is right ~ not what is easy or might get me what I want.
- Stop taking people for granted.
Those things kind of look and sound easy ~ they’re not. Earning trust and learning how to trust is one of the most difficult things someone recovering from a personality disorder or an addiction can ever do. But, if life is going to be worth living it’s something I know I have to give of my very best.
Some say deceive me once then shame on you. And, deceive me twice then shame on me. All I know is that you can’t build a good life based on a tissue of lies.
never trust a woman in a mask
A real woman will be honest no matter how painful the truth is
you can see it in her eyes
learn the dark surprise
there’s a deep disguise
but if you’re really wise
you won’t ever despise
her, just accept the prize
the love her lie implies
men need to believe a woman’s lies