Tag Archives: Drug Addiction

demons I can’t face down

Our very souls may be consumed by shadows.

We each have a complex relationship with ourselves.  If we have ever really suffered through something like; alcoholism, drug addiction, addiction to gambling, sex addiction, too many of the wrong prescription drugs, parental abuse, an abusive relationship, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, serious problems with our diet, mental health problems, failed relationships, job loss, loss of our home…  (or more likely a mixture of all of these problems and more), then we also have a complex relationship with the whole world and everyone in it.

At times we can find ourselves in a very bad place where every voice is critical, malevolent, and negative ~ even our own inner voice.  Our inner voice creates inner demons;  anger, depression, fear of rejection, rejection of others, jealousy, judgementalism, self-doubt, self-hatred, worthlessness…

All the dark, malevolent Passions of the Soul are roused and exerted; its mild and amiable affections are suppressed; and with them virtuous Principles are laid prostrate.  ~  Charles Inglis

Unless you have been there you can have no idea how bad the pain and anguish these inner demons can create.  One will do almost anything to escape the crippling pain; including going back to our addictions, making big geographical moves, shutting down and numbing ourselves, isolating ourselves, psychotherapy, strong prescription drugs, attending 12 step groups, spirituality, retreating further into mental illness, suicide…

It is not just our inner demons.  If we are in that bad place then we are also surrounded by demons.  Everyone we know, everyone we meet, adds to these outer demons with their misplaced concerned advice, criticisms, and rejection.  Many people do not want us to get well, they measure themselves against our struggle and feel superior, they add their negative demons to our own.  When I was at my last rock-bottom I became aware that almost everyone I knew, everyone I met, was feeding off my pain.  Few understand, few want to understand, and fewer still truly want to help.

Some especially gifted, intelligent, and sensitive people believe that there is a third layer of demons, in addition to our inner demons, and the tormenting demons gifted to us by almost everyone we know.   Most spiritual and religious people also believe that there are more demons than the physiological and psychological.  These special people believe in genuine demons, in the spiritual realm, and that some of us may be victims of these demons.  In my mind’s eye I am very aware that in the shadows surrounding my soul lurk the powers of darkness seeking to torment and torture me.

Demons manifest themselves in people in different ways.  For instance, out of nowhere, somebody can become very angry for no reason.  That’s not just an emotion.  That’s a demon.  ~  Stephen Baldwin.

None of the details really matter.  What I do know is that if you have truly suffered, and if you are suffering now, then you are the victim of demons who will feed off your pain, and want nothing more than to destroy you and everything and everyone you care for.

It is our demons that make us believe that our partner is sleeping with other men, that giving into our addiction will solve our problems, and that suicide is painless.

Many of us have tried over the years to face down our inner demons.  Some succeed, many fail.  Many fail because they don’t realise that the main causes of their misery are inner demons which seem to have an intelligence and will of their own.  Many more fail because they never realise that they are also surrounded by malevolent evil demons emanating  from the subconscious psyche of everyone they know.  And, some fail because they are the victims of true demonic possession.

Demons are not your superiors, demons are not even your equals.  All demons have is the ability to make you cause yourself pain and suffering.  Demons can only torment and torture you if you let them, but most of us allow demons to torture us because we are not even aware that they are there.

Negative thinking patterns can be immensely deceptive and persuasive, and change is rarely easy.  ~  David D. Burns.

Recovery begins with admitting that you have a problem.

I cannot yet face down my demons, but I know they are there, trying to make me torture myself so that they can feed off my pain. (Even your inner demons feed off the pain you cause yourself.)

Now, when I feel myself going down a negative path to my own personal hell, I can tell myself that it’s just my personal demons trying to destroy me, and that I should ignore their oppressive persecution.  That helps me.  A psychological bully can only bully you if you let them.  Your demons have no physical power over you.  Ignore them and your demons will go away.  Eventually I shall be able to face down my demons and tell them to fuck off ~ and that will be a good day.

Demons are to be pitied.  They have nothing but your pain and suffering.  If you do not allow your demons to make you cause yourself pain and suffering, then those demons will eventually die and vanish into nothing.

You can and will get well if you do not allow your demons to torment and torture you.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

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unrequited love

No matter how much you love someone, you cannot make them love you.

If you don’t receive love from the ones who are meant to love you, you will never stop looking for it.  ~  Robert Goolrick

It-s-A-Wonderful-Life-its-a-wonderful-lifeIt’s worse than that.  No matter how much you like someone you cannot make them like you, and no matter how much you desire someone, you cannot make them desire you.  No matter what you do, no matter the money, time, effort, hope, prayer, and love you expend, no matter how many sleepless nights you suffer, you cannot change the way someone feels about you.

Often unrequited love is the desperate feeling of being hopelessly, completely, head over heels in love with and infatuated with someone, all the while knowing that your feelings will never reach their heart and will never be returned.  Unrequited love can exist when the object of your love is hardly even aware of your existence.  You may love someone and yet know you will never make love with them or wake up next to them in the morning.  You may even know that you will never get to spend time with the object of your love.  And yet, you will go on loving them forever, no matter the pain and heartache it causes.  You will go on loving even when you know they love another.

A person doesn’t know true hurt and suffering until they’ve felt the pain of falling in love with someone whose affections lie elsewhere.  ~  Rose Gordon

Unrequited love also exists within relationships, when one person may love the other deeply and tenderly, but the object of your affections just thinks you’re someone to hang out with when there is nothing better happening.  Unrequited love even exists inside marriage, when one partner truly, madly, deeply and unconditionally loves the other, who merely regards them as a convenience.

Sadly, unrequited love can sometimes turn into obsessive love, which is an extreme form of infatuation and does not allow for failure, imperfection, or rejection.  Obsessive love is a dangerous mental disorder which can lead to extreme behaviour, up to and including boiling the pet rabbit.  If you have ever flirted with a real bunny-boiler, then you will know exactly how bad obsessive love can become.

The difference between a dysfunction love and real, true love is reciprocity.  Does the object of your desire return your affections?  Or, are you doing all the work and throwing your love away, just like throwing a rock into a bottomless pit?  Ask yourself if the one you love is anything more than an empty vessel, are they someone who can and will return your love with their own, or are you just feeding money into a crooked slot machine in the vain hope of a jackpot?

Unrequited and obsessive love can be a masochistic addiction.  It hurts and it costs, but if you have it, you will wait around for the big payoff, no matter what.

The really bad news for someone who is going through the misery of unrequited love is that there will never be a big payoff.  You will never hit the jackpot, they will never return your love, and they will forget you in a New York second.  Whatever you have right now is as good as it’s ever going to get, and the chances are it will get worse ~ addictions always get worse over time, no matter what.  Some people are incapable of real love, that’s called Emotional Deprivation Disorder, and if you are unlucky enough to love someone suffering from that, you may as well pack your bags and go home.

It’s no good putting the object of your desire on a pedestal, and it’s no good thinking that you can change him or her.  No matter how much time, effort, money, love, and heartache you have invested, you will most likely have just thrown it all away.  It’s like feeding a slot machine in Las Vegas, where you will probably never see a penny of that money ever again, and deep down you know you have wasted everything.

Often those who suffer the agony of unrequited love and / or obsessive love have other mental problems ~  Drug addiction, Alcoholism, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or just plain Emotional Hunger.

Just like drug addiction or alcoholism, the only way out of the misery of unrequited love, or the sick dangers of an obsessive love, is to quit.

There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.  ~  Shannon L. Alder

It’s much easier to write it than it is to do it, but if what you have is a relationship where you are giving a lot and getting little in return, then you have to walk away.  Walk away, don’t look back, and don’t try to keep in touch.  It’s going to hurt, but it’s like a bad tooth.  It will hurt a lot for a short while when you’re having it extracted, but that’s much better than living with months or years of dull misery.

~

P1040484these opinions are mine and mine alone

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Make Your Own Recovery from Addiction

Who me?  I don’t have a problem.  ~  Said by All addicts who are still in denial.

Doctors in England have started to prescribe addicted gamblers with a drug called Naltrexone, more normally used to help alcoholics and heroin addicts.  How is it outwardly sane people can lose everything they ever had by gambling on pleasureless fixed odds betting terminals in seedy street-corner betting shops?  In the UK these machines are each pulling in an average of £1,000 a week.  The ‘best’ estimate is that, in the UK, there are 150,000 people addicted to this form of gambling.  One very hard fact ~ all gamblers lose, heavily, eventually.

In the USA there are 12 million alcoholics, and 25% of the population, (who don’t consider themselves alcoholics), go on drinking binges each month.  In the USA 10% of children live with a parent who has an alcohol problem.  In the USA 1 in 10 deaths among working age adults, (88,000), are from alcohol related diseases every year.  weedwomenIn the USA 10% of the population use illicit drugs, of which there are 20 million marijuana users, and 6.5 million people who abuse prescription drugs.  How is it outwardly sane people can risk losing everything they ever had by filling their bodies with mind-altering substances like booze, heroin, cocaine, or marijuana?  Are these numbers fact?  One very hard fact ~ all alcoholics and drug addicts lose everything they have, eventually.

Most addicts have multiple addictions ~ I believe there is such a thing as an addictive personality.  Something to bear in mind about an addict, as long as they go on feeding their addiction(s), the greater the chances their whole life will be ruined, they will suffer horribly, and then they will die unpleasantly from their addiction(s).

Addiction isn’t about substance ~  you aren’t addicted to the substance, (or activity), you are addicted to the alteration of mood that the substance, (or activity), brings.  ~  Susan Cheever

So how do some addicts recover from their addiction?

BDSMEvery recovering alcoholic, drug addict, prescription drug abuser, smoker, gambler, anorexic, pornography addict, sex addict, compulsive masturbator, compulsive dater, tanning booth addict, perpetrator of domestic violence, internet chat-line addict, obsessive, exhibitionist, caffeine addict, overeater, and etc. and etc. has a different story to tell.  But there are some commonalities to their successful recovery;

  1. Admitting they have a problem ~ more likely multiple problems.
  2. Deciding they are going to do something about their problem(s).
  3. Discovering real honesty, real courage, and real persistence.  The recovery from addiction is a lifetime’s challenge.
  4. Seeking immediate and appropriate help.  Friends, family, doctors, counsellors, other recovering addicts, 12 step recovery groups, appropriate reading, and etc. and etc.  Your own doctor is probably your most reliable first step ~ recovering alcoholics and addicts will most likely need medical support / hospitalisation.
  5. Finding and building an appropriate support network, and being totally honest with the people in their support network.  Alcoholics Anonymous can be reached 24 hours a day 365 days a year.
  6. Honestly and courageously staying with their programme of recovery ~ even if they go back to their addiction(s) from time to time, they return to their programme of recovery, chastened but wiser.
  7. Admitting to themselves that they can never be totally cured, and maintaining a vigilant programme to stay completely away from their addictions.  For an alcoholic there is no such thing as just one drink.  For an addicted gambler there is no such thing as a little flutter from time to time.  For a drug addict there is no such thing as just one little high.  For a smoker there is no such thing as one cigarette.
  8. All successfully recovering addicts, alcoholics and etc., attempt to understand the real nature of their addiction.  For recovering alcoholics I recommend they read; Under the Influence by Dr J.R. Milam and Katherine Ketcham.
  9. Recovering addicts must attempt to put right the damage they did during their wild days, or at least don’t do that hurt ever again.
  10. Attempting to understand their own true nature.  What brought them to addiction?  (Some say that childhood trauma is usually the root cause of addiction.)  What underlying psychological problems may they have?  What physical changes do they need to make?  What lifestyle changes are required?  Do they love themselves, or even like themselves?
  11. All successfully recovering alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, anorexics… put their programme of recovery above all else in their lives.  Family, friends, wives and husbands, children, lovers, job, pleasures.  Recovering addicts resolutely stay away from their addictions, even if that means dropping old ‘friends’ and places.  (Nobody who drinks with a problem drinker is their friend.)
  12. At some point, all successfully recovering alcoholics / addicts will find and honestly explore the true nature of their own Spirituality ~ learn to let go, and learn to love themselves.

P1010336

All Recovering Addicts Eventually Come To Spirituality

The above was not intended to be a 12 point list, and perhaps the order is not important, but these are the things I have seen in successfully recovering alcoholics, drug addicts, anorexics, sex addicts, gamblers, perpetrators of domestic violence, arsonists, and etc….  I haven’t seen much of these things in the alcoholics and addicts I’ve watched die.

The key facts are that: the addict must honestly admit they have a problem, seek immediate help, make recovery the most important thing in their life, and then stick with their programme of recovery through thick and thin, for the rest of their life.

I am a recovering alcoholic, (probably also a recovering repressive, and obsessive ), who from time to time has made big huge mistakes.

~

P1010716jackcollier@talktalk.net

 

Make Your Own Happiness

P1030480Happiness  a feeling of pleasure, contentment, or joy.

Who knows what it like is to be really happy?  Recently?  Really?

Everything that follows is based upon my own direct, personal, painful experiences.

I am not at all happy just now, but there’s a reason for my lack of pleasure, contentment and joy.  A couple of weeks ago I suffered some skull trauma, and I’ve had a dull headache and nausea ever since.  It is difficult to be truly happy if one is feeling unwell.  Ask any guy who has influenza if he’s happy?  Any woman will tell you the kind of answer he will give ~ it’s likely to include the word miserable.

Rule #1 for being happy.  First be physically fit and well.  If you are feeling miserable and depressed, get yourself out for a walk, have something healthy to eat, go to the gym, or if you are really unwell make an appointment with your doctor.  Do not indulge in self-diagnosis.  Take whatever medication you are prescribed.

Lost WeekendHave you ever seen a truly happy alcoholic?  Or a joyful heroin addict?  Or come to that, a contented compulsive gambler?  Addicts may be happy for a while, but sooner rather than later they will hit rock bottom and be caught in a slough of misery and depression.  That’s if they’re lucky.  If an alcoholic or drug addict is unlucky they’ll just be dead.

Rule #2 for being happy.  Quit whatever you’re addicted to.  Again, you may want to visit your doctor.  Withdrawal from substance abuse, (including alcohol), can be terrible, it can kill you, you may need medical support.  Think about attending an appropriate 12-step group, or getting some professional counselling.  In any event, you can’t follow rule #1 if you’re continually as drunk as a skunk.

Some people, in my experience men especially, become obsessed with their partner and / or the object of their romantic or sexual fantasy.  This is a short route to total misery.  Perhaps she will not love you, or return your affections, or when you get to know her she may disappoint you, she may turn out to be a carnal slut, or she may be a real ‘bunny boiler’.

Rule #3 for being happy.  Never put your happiness in the hands of another.  Other people will not always do as you wish.  They may not be nice to you.  They may not want to spend time with you, or have sex with you.  They may ignore you, or get a restraining order.  You may spend your life wishing for things which are never going to happen because the object of your desires does not want what you want.

Some people are plagued by guilt.  This may be a rational thing.  You may have done something utterly terrible, bad enough to carry the scars on your soul.  It may be irrational guilt.  Some feel guilty for no good reason whatsoever.  At most they should be embarrassed for a while.  Yet some people are addicted to guilt, don’t want to be free of it at all.  Guilt is a black and corrosive thing.

Rule #4 for being happy.  Learn to forgive yourself.  Whatever you did is in the past, it’s done and gone.  So you weren’t always there for your drug addict child, and they died of an overdose.  That was bad but the best you can do is learn from the tragic experience.  Nobody is completely in control of events, not even you.  Accept yourself, unconditionally.  Forgive whatever mistakes you believe you made and move on.

vampire_cherryThen there are the angry, aggressive and hostile people.  There is a savage pleasure in giving free rein to insane anger for a while ~ trust me I know all about that one.  Yet there are some people who are constantly angry, always aggressive, usually immoral, often sinister and vicious.  These people should either receive anger management counselling or be taken out and shot.  If you are often angry you will also have diabolical depression under the anger.  You are not truly happy, sooner or later you will be physically and psychologically ill.

Rule #5 for being happy.  Learn how to control and diminish your anger.  You make yourself angry.  Nobody else can really make you feel anything.  If you are angry it’s all down to you.  You do not make rules for everyone else to follow.  If you are an alcoholic or addict then you are probably often angry, so first quit your addiction.  Learn to accept life for what it is and stop trying to make everyone else jump when you bark.

tormentThese rules cannot be applied by everyone in every situation.  Some of us are genuinely, deeply, obscenely unhappy.  Some of us may be suffering from clinical depression.  This is not an easy trap to get out of.  May I suggest that the first thing to do is to gain some spirituality and genuine acceptance of your situation.  There is a well-known prayer;

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Don’t worry, don’t doubt, be happy.

~

P1010853jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Drug Abuse in Spirituality

CANNABIS IS NOT SAFE

To live a spiritual life requires one to be dedicated to reality, to the truth, to honesty in all things ~ as long as our honesty does not harm the innocent.  Without searing self awareness it is difficult to progress beyond mere lip service to the concept of spirituality ~ self-deception and denial trap us in mere existence as opposed to really living the good life.  Drug abuse, be it prescription drugs, cannabis, cocaine, heroin, alcohol, or whatever your personal poison is, relies on self deception and denial.

Reality denied comes back to haunt.  ~ Philip K Dick from Flow My Tears the Policeman Said

Philip Kindred Dick;  novelist, short story writer, philosopher, science fiction guru.

Cannabis / marijuana / hemp users have long said that the weed is safe, non addictive, has no bad side effects ~ in fact many cannabis users have stated that the weed is much safer than alcohol.  Pro-cannabis campaigners like to say that cannabis is essentially harmless, therefore the drug should be decriminalised in the UK.

A study by Professor Wayne Hall for the World Health Organisation utterly refutes the liberal mantra that cannabis is safe.  His analysis shows that the active ingredient in the drug triggers anxiety, depression, depersonalisation, and psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, causes memory lapses and false memory syndrome, inhibits brain development in younger people, increases the risk of cancers and cardiovascular disease, and the weed is indeed highly addictive, as addictive as heroin.

woman smoking cannabis

woman smoking marijuana ~ shocking manicure

Like most drug abuse, including alcohol abuse, cannabis wrecks lives, breaks up relationships, causes the destruction of the family, creates crime, violence and unemployment.  The pro-cannabis lobby resort to propaganda, personal attacks, deception and lies to make their point that cannabis is harmless.  It isn’t.  The pro-cannabis lobby is backed by many celebrities, although I am unsure if the ubiquitous Hugh Grant is one of them.  The Liberal Democrats, a fringe UK political party certainly back the legalisation of cannabis for personal use.  This is self deception writ large.

Most cannabis users start smoking the weed in their early teens, a part of life when the brain is still developing.  Usually the human brain does not complete its development until the early twenties ~ cannabis use causes irreversible brain damage in the young.  This results in a lower IQ, which makes school or college difficult.  Users often drop out of education, can’t find a job, become distant from family and old friends, and become dependent on cannabis, welfare payments, and crime.  Cannabis use increases the risk of suicide, road traffic accidents, accidents in the home, and homelessness.

Trust me on this one, giving up any drug is difficult beyond belief.  Giving up cannabis is little different to giving up alcohol, cocaine or heroin.  You have to have suffered serious withdrawal to know the nightmarish mental and physical hell quitting an addictive drug can cause.  Giant spiders climbing up the wall are the least of it.  Some people die during withdrawal, and that kind of death isn’t pretty.

Whether you sniff it, smoke it, or shove it up your ass, the result is the same: addiction. ~ William S Burroughs

William Seward Burroughs II, (nome de plume William Lee).  Novelist, short story writer, essayist, painter.

I refuse to believe that the supporters of the legalisation of cannabis are not aware of all this.  I believe they are aware but consider themselves immune, possibly just because they are part of the urban elite and read the Guardian newspaper.  Of all the politicians, the Liberal Democrats disgust me most on this issue.  They are right at the heart of the liberal urban elite, like to be seen as cool and ultra modern, and believe that the ‘war on drugs’ is lost anyway.  In my view they are pathetic, irrelevant to 95% of the population of these islands, and caught in utter denial about their entire ethos.

marijuana-thc-molecule

marijuana, the active molecule

The active, mind altering, ingredient of cannabis is tetrahydrocannabinol, (THC).  The human brain contains receptors that THC fits like a key fits the right lock.  These receptors are concentrated in areas of the brain that handle; coordination, cognition, memory, pleasure and the sense of time.  THC causes the brain to release dopamine, the pleasure hormone.  THC also causes hallucinations and delusions.  There are more than 400 different cannabinoids, one found in cannabis is tetrahydrocannabivarin, (THCV), along with sundry other chemical compounds required to produce a psychoactive response to THC.  No person alive can achieve real spirituality with all that shit going on.

Most cannabinoids are soluble in fat, which means that it takes a long time for the THC to clear the body and brain.  Heavy cannabis users will produce a positive result in drug tests for up to 90 days after last taking the drug.

Luckily, THC is not particularly toxic, one is unlikely to die as a direct result of taking cannabis.  But, all of the nasty illnesses one can get from smoking tobacco, one can get in spades from smoking cannabis.  In particular cannabis smoke contains quite high concentrations of; ammonia, hydrogen cyanide and nitrogen oxides, as well as tar, more than 50 known carcinogens, and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons ~ (cannabis smoke stinks).

The effects of cannabis hit the body within seconds if the weed is smoked, and usually last for 60 to 180 minutes, but can hang around for eight hours or more.  If you bake the stuff in cookies it is likely to be a half-hour before one gets a high.  The more often one uses cannabis, the more cannabis is required in order to obtain that high.

The best effects of cannabis are; a feeling of well-being or euphoria, a feeling of relaxation, increased appreciation of the beauty in all things, (art, music, humour), increased awareness of sensation / increased sensuality, increased libido, increased creativity, increased joviality, metacognition and introspection.  In short, the users connection to reality becomes tenuous.

Sexy-Shoes

Eating her shoes after smoking cannabis

The really bad effects are; hallucinations, altered body image, illusions, ataxia, depersonalisation, derealisation, aggression, psychosis, panic attacks, critical introspection, paranoia and a desire to eat ~ just about anything.

Like all illegal drugs, cannabis / marijuana is generally a bad idea.

Cannabis / marijuana is not at all congruent with any idea of spirituality, don’t do it, if you’re already a user, think hard about giving up this particular weed.

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