that feeling when you’re not necessarily sad, but you feel empty
Unless you’ve been isolated, alone and lonely, not really allowed to go out, and knowing that there is no true purpose to your lockdown, then you don’t realise that solitary confinement brings about a slow, steady, and inevitable decline to your body, mind, and soul.
I am not as good a man, not as good a person as I was when I entered this government imposed lockdown a couple of months ago. But, I wasn’t fully aware of that until I had a couple of very strange dreams last night. One was about being on Jersey, in the English Channel Islands, when the Germans invaded in June 1940, the other was about needing to leave an important examination an hour early to answer a call of nature.
Both were about being trapped. Both were allegorical ~ telling me to get the hell out of the garret and taste freedom, whatever the fucking government wants. I can see that clearly now.
I am not a number, I am a free man.
Channel Islanders still hate the Germans
believe in love, believe in magic, believe in dreams
Dreaming, I must be dreaming
You have held me in your arms
Magic, it must be your magic
I surrendered to your charms
Dreams, I know I’m dreaming
Or am I really lying next to you
Dreaming, intimate dreaming
In dreams can’t help myself
I’ll fall in love again with you
there’s something about a beautiful witch
there’s nothing better than walking on the beach
witnessing the dawn come up like thunder across the bay
haunting music of the wind
wave counterpointed, pink sky echoed
frames the seascape bowl with solitary figure walking
against a challenged world struggling
changing, but ever the same
a winter’s dawn
over a wine-dark sea
Failure is not final ~ it is the courage to continue that counts.
I am successful enough to visit places like this.
For a little while I had this weird idea that I would never make plans again ~ that I would just drift along like some Californian beachcomber, taking whatever each day, each hour, gave to me. No goals, no dreams, no program, no plans, no schemes….. And what a
fucking damn stupid idea that was. I’m better than that. Anyhow, without a solid program I’d just drift deeper down into the Dark Abyss.
Without dreams and goals, plans and schemes, my life would be grey and meaningless, and who would want to know a guy like that? Without plans how could I have a truly rewarding relationship, and how could I take my favored travelling companion on a road trip to see the world? Rely on chance, fate, luck…..? Relying on luck to create my future seems like a bad idea to me ~ a bit like relying on winning the lottery to solve one’s financial problems.
The future is not something we enter. The future is something we create. ~ Leonard I. Sweet.
Truly successful, really interesting people, never rely on chance or fate. You might look at an extremely accomplished, charming, Renaissance-type man and think he just got lucky ~ just being in the right place at the right time maybe? You know what? Every piece of what seems like good fortune is usually the result of hours, days, months, years of hard work and preparation.
The more I practice, the luckier I get. ~ Gary Player
So, I’m going back to making plans. Actually, I already have goals and dreams and plans and schemes ~ and they’re mostly written down. But it isn’t enough simply to have goals and dreams, a plan of how to achieve them, and some idea of what things will be like when you’ve reached your goal. Putting a plan into action involves believing that you can create your own future, that neither luck nor fate nor somebody else will determine what happens ~ your future is in your own hands.
What we think and feel are the lock and the key to our future success. Not allowing anything that happened in the past to determine our present and our future begins in the mind. We should not allow others to bring us own, and we should never rely on others for our happiness or our success.
Some say that their lack of success is all their parents fault. And that chasing a dream is too risky and just a waste of time. All I know is that a goal without a plan and hard work is just a wish.
In the sunny USA I usually plan on driving a Mustang convertible
If you can dream, and not make dreams your master…..
The day that we stop wanting, needing, wishing, and dreaming is the day we stop walking the warrior’s path, and begin to take that long dark road towards disappointment, despair, and death. I know some people who seem to have no dreams, and I know a few people who are living in a dark nightmare. People with no dreams often also seem to be hell-bent on self-destruction through drink, drugs, gambling, self-harm, unsafe casual sex, suicide attempts….. I can recognise those people because I used to be one of them.
Some say that being negative, depressed, filled with character defects, is a condition to be pitied and that we should try to understand without condemning or blaming.
You know what? I don’t agree with that idea at all. Unless Life has thrown at you some terrible calamity, like having to live in a war zone, then if you’re an addict, an alcoholic, a hopeless gambler, chain smoker, depressed, suicidal, and hell-bent on being unhappy on the road to self-destruction ~ it is mostly your own fault.
There seems to be something in the subconscious mind of most people that says; ‘if I am really suffering I will get attention and love…..’ This is understandable because when we were at our most impressionable, young and vulnerable, then if we were suffering we would most likely get extra attention and love from our parents / principal carers. Angst and shelf-harming practices such as alcoholism are learned behaviours.
On the other side of the coin, if as a child we were always bright, happy, full of inventive play and dreams, then mostly our parents would leave us alone. They would leave us alone except for their own horrible negativity when we told them of our dreams, and they said; ‘you can’t possibly do that…..’
Dreaming of doing bigger, better, more exciting and more adventurous things, of meeting the partner of our dreams, or dreaming of having a wonderful life, is often driven from our own subconscious mind by the things we were told as an innocent child.
I know all this because it all happened to me, up to and including until a few weeks ago, when I had one of those revelatory moments we sometimes have in life, and I realised I could dream, and make my dreams come true.
So don’t give up on your dreams. Don’t think you are a hopeless case. You can be who you want to be and do whatever you want to do ~ stop believing that you’re trapped, and start wishing and dreaming again.
I’m dreaming of sunshine this Christmas
The future is not something we enter.
The future is something we create.
My dreams have always been the fuel for my success. Without my dreams there could never have been any meaningful and lasting success in my life. And, some say I have been very successful ~ depending on how you measure success.
I firmly believe that behind every successful person there is a dream fulfilled. That all enlightened people have come to their enhanced state of happiness through achieving at least one of their dreams. There must always be something in your life that motivates, drives, excites, and captivates you, otherwise you are not living, you are just existing. Or, you may as well be living in a doorway on a sheet of cardboard.
The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential….. these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence. ~ Confucius
My dreams became the goals that pushed me to believe in the impossible, to make interesting and unexpected changes in my life, to get out of my comfort zone and take unimagined risks.
Sometimes we choose to ignore or forget what it is that we really love, want, need, and desire. We let ourselves be guided and driven by other people’s’ expectations. We think my parents will never support my ideas, and, my wife will never allow me to do this…..
A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination, courage, and hard work. Colin Powell
Really successful people never forget what they love to do, what they want, what they need, what they desire and lust after. Fortunate men and women learn to follow their own path and make the right choices ~ no matter how crazy or unpopular those choices might appear to others, especially parents and partners.
Think about this; If money was not an issue, what kind of life and work would you choose to have. Would you choose to live, or would you choose to just exist? If you aim to be perfect, if you aim to please everyone all of the time, then you will be very disappointed.
Some say that behind every successful person there is a dream fulfilled. And, that we should create plans, solutions, and strategies to achieve our wildest dreams. All I know is that today I live an enlightened life that others don’t even dare to dream about.
Sometimes, the Magic happens.
last night, the England soccer team were not truly following their dream
A wise man doesn’t try to get what he doesn’t want.
Many people don’t know what they want out of life, and many of them struggle to find a way to discover their true needs, want, desires, and dreams. Even if you know what you most need, want, desire, and dream of having ~ well, whatever it is might be very difficult, or almost impossible to acquire. This applies especially to friendship, love, sexual desire….. in fact anything that relies upon another person doing what you want is always going to be an almost impossible dream. You have no control whatsoever over what another person thinks, feels, likes, dislikes, loves, or hates.
Your most important “want” should be the one you can control. ~ Shannon L. Alder.
You cannot make her / him love you, desire you, or even like you.
It follows therefore, that in our journey through life, at some point we should work out what we truly, honestly, realistically need, want, desire, or dream of having.
And this is where most of us come unstuck. We have no idea what it is that we want ~ other than our life goes on pretty much as it has always gone on, without us having to think about it too much, or wandering too far outside of our own comfort zones.
We Just Do Not Know What We Really Want.
However, all of us, or almost all of us, know what we don’t like about our life. Almost all of us know exactly what we hate about our lives. Most of us know exactly who and what we want to walk away from, and after that never, ever, keep in touch.
Some of us can tell exactly when there’s an elephant in the room ~ we know when there are important issues that are not being discussed with our significant other, and instead all we ever seem to talk about is meaningless trivia.
Many of us know that our wants, needs, desires, and important dreams are not being fulfilled. We know that we are frustrated and unfulfilled.
Therefore, as a first step to knowing what you really want, write down what you know you don’t want. Write down what you don’t like about your life. Write down what you hate about your life.
Be honest. Be brutally honest with yourself.
Do not censor yourself ~ just write down what comes into your head.
Don’t over-think things, just write, whatever it is and however bad it seems.
You will have to force yourself to confront the real and damaging issues in your most private life, instead of just focusing on fluffy easy minor annoyances.
Most likely you will not complete your list of dislikes and hates in one short attempt. Keep your list safe, and add to it whenever you think of something else that disturbs your quest for a fulfilling inner peace.
And, most importantly, DO NOT let anyone else see this list of the things and people you hate and what you hate about them.
For example, your partner / wife / husband may not be happy to know that you think she / he is as sexually responsive as a wooden plank. You know what, if I had a significant other / partner / wife like that, then I’d hate that too. (Trust me, I’d hate it, I’ve been there.)
Most likely, if you’re brutally honest with yourself, sex will feature heavily on your list of things that aren’t going right for you. After that, probably your job, your home life, your friends, health, fitness, enjoyment…..
My current list of things I don’t like / hate about my life has 34 things on it, and I’m telling nobody what they are.
But now I have a good idea of what I don’t want, I can start to get what I do want, by any means necessary. (As long as the means I use are legal, honest, and ethical, I will do whatever it takes to get what I truly need, want, desire, and dream about.)
When you know what you want, and you want it bad enough, you will find a way to get it. ~ Jim Rohn
Some say that success is getting what you want. And that happiness is getting what you need. All I know is that I’m damn certain what I don’t want in my life.
I would like to go back to California again
Solitude and the sea is not the same as loneliness.
one night of dreams
nothing is what it seems
wandering on lonely beaches
solitary heart breaking seascapes
Dreams shed light into places our waking self fears to go.
Very, very rarely I can remember a dream when I wake in the morning. Vivid, meaningful dreams that are as long and detailed as a real-life event played out like a powerful TV drama. The memory of these dreams does not fade, the memories of dreams like these stays with me as long and as strong as any real-life memories.
Usually these dreams are enlightening, they teach me something important, they bring clarity to an area of my life that has been mired in confusion. Sometimes these vivid dreams are disturbing.
A couple of nights ago I dreamed of betrayal. In this dream my friend played, seduced, and then had sex with a handsome house guest while I was sleeping. Very strange. I do not believe I have ever before had a dream that was even remotely like that version of sexual betrayal. It was not the most pleasant dream I have ever had.
The dream got worse than that. My reaction to my friend playing and then having sex with a handsome house guest was violent. In my dream I threw her down a flight of stairs. And, that kind of violence can kill people.
I have thought hard about what this all might mean.
One thing it means is that in my dream I tapped into a place, into thoughts and feelings, that my wakeful and conscious mind would fear to tread. Or perhaps I wouldn’t ever go to that dark place because I didn’t even know it existed.
I think the second thing it means is that part of me must believe that my friend used to be the kind of woman who would have sex with just about anyone. That is very hurtful and disturbing. I am hopeful that this dream was me getting rid of those negative thoughts once and for all.
But, the most terrible thing is that, deep down in my psyche, I may have a propensity towards extreme violence. I hope not.
I am glad my dream took me to places in my mind that I would not otherwise venture toward. I am not glad about what I found there.
But, there is another thought. Dreams such as the one I described may have been sent to me by a Goddess I believe in. If that’s the case the dark Goddess Isis sent me that dream. She is trying to teach me something. Perhaps deep down I am attracted to sexually available and promiscuous women ~ I’m not certain that’s the case, but the thought and meanings are interesting.
It would be good if the lesson was more obvious, and less disturbing.
What I do know is that there is no end to love.
Perhaps that is the whole point.
where ever you are
and whoever you are
I hope that your year
is ending well.
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Clouds and imagination make a painting out of the sky.
a dreaming soul’s salvation
lifting your terrestrial burden
creating new sorceress dreams
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