The dark side of me is waiting with malevolent patience.
I have forgotten all the important things I have learned about living a good life. Over the past few days I have not been focused on the present. I have not been calm and understanding. I have not been willing to accept, acknowledge, and deal with my emotions, feelings, and thoughts.
Over the past few days all the negatives in my psyche, and all of my character defects have been ruling my life.
In the last week or so I have turned to my dark side. I have not been the good Dr. Jekyll, instead I have been the evil Mr. Hyde.
There is probably a lot more bad stuff I could confess to. Today I will think about how I have been, write it down, and try to find a way to make amends.
In my wallet I carry a note of my own version of the Buddha’s Four Noble Truths:
- Life is difficult and painful.
- The causes of my problems and pain are my own cravings, desires, lusts, and my blaming of others.
- I can’t change what happens to me, but I can change what I do.
- The path to freedom from suffering is through self-discipline in body, mind, and spirit.
The first is the only one of these Four Noble Truths I have willing to accept.
My emotions, feelings, and thoughts have become unmanageable. I have been angry and judgemental – at the edge of insanity.
But, there was someone watching over me who has started me back onto the road to recovery; back onto the warrior’s path. I am very grateful to her.
Today I will do better.
I cannot change the past, but I can do better in the present and in the future.
In every life there will be some troubles.
Recently I was pretty ill with the flu. In between feeling very poorly, and very tired, my feverish mind wandered to some very strange places. I vividly remembered things from the past, and some of those memories were false, but even the false memories had a lesson for me.
In my fevered imaginings I realised that I had often been judgemental, unforgiving, and aggressive. That I measured people by my own standards, morals, and mores. If I thought a person had hurt me, or intended to hurt me, or didn’t measure up to what I thought was acceptable standards of behaviour, then I was quite likely to attack that person. I could become a real Mr. Hyde character. That applied especially if I told myself that I cared about the person concerned.
In my fevered imaginings I realised that my judgemental, unforgiving, and aggressive behaviour was totally unacceptable. Not only that, it didn’t achieve anything good, and it didn’t make me happy ~ it didn’t make anyone happy.
In fact, being a judgemental unforgiving perfectionist made me so unhappy that from time to time I would try to escape my misery by drinking far too much booze. As you would expect, getting drunk didn’t make me happy either.
In fact, drinking just made everything much worse. Every single time I’ve touched booze in the past few years something extremely, irredeemably bad has happened. Every single time I’ve had even one drink I began a downward spiral which inevitably lead me to becoming Mr. Hyde.
It didn’t take fevered imaginings brought on by the flu to make me realise that I needed to make a new beginning. On December 11th last year I had the worst mental, psychological, and spiritual day of my life. My mind was broken and my soul was destroyed. I knew back then that I needed to change or there wasn’t much point in my being anything other than a lonely recluse. If I wanted a good life, then I needed to begin a new beginning as a kinder, stable, more reliable, more likeable man.
My mental health was at stake, I needed to change or continue on the downward spiral to the rock bottom of total lunacy.
I have changed, and it was both very difficult and very easy. The easy part is that all I need to do is stop being a judgemental unforgiving perfectionist. Stop thinking the worst of people, stop imagining that the people I care for are trying to hurt me, and stop dwelling on the past. As I said easy.
The very difficult thing is that making a fundamental change to one’s own personality means overturning one’s core beliefs and values ~ and that’s hard. It means reconsidering what’s important in life. It means letting go of old attitudes, old habits, beliefs, outdated goals, even one’s old Life’s Purpose. It means changing how we think about relationships, love, and life.
However, we can create anything we want, if we want it enough.
Einstein said; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.
I needed to do things differently. I needed to begin a new beginning. I firmly believe I have started on a different and better road. I don’t think I’m a lunatic anymore.
Lent is a Christian Festival ~ sometimes I don’t feel filled with Christian charity, and I will remedy that. For Lent this year I am giving up some of my most cherished character defects.
Between February 10th and March 24th I will not inflict my dangerously negative feelings upon anyone.
Among the things I will not be doing during Lent are that I will not be;
(Please feel free to tell me of any other unpleasant defects of character you would like a less than perfect man to lose.)
Only an inherently evil man like Mr.Hyde, (or an unreconstructed alcoholic), would be pleased to give free rein to actions which stem from those negative character traits. If I feel any of these vile and malevolent emotions and impulses, I will work very hard at not letting them show.
Actually, I am not going to do anything about those nasty, abusive, and negative character defects.
Instead, I am going to be positive and affirmative, calm and peaceful, honest and honourable. I shall walk softly and speak kindly. I will strive to become the perfect English Gentleman.
Also, I shall stay off the booze.
full moon invites
young painted harlot
my prey tonight
sliver moon bright
steel gently bites
poor girl fights
spare the slice
no death in a trice
faints in fright
pays the price
hard rape ensues
it is my right
this black night