surely nothing else can go wrong
because all this is slowly tearing me apart
Losing and feeling helpless isn’t something I’m good at. I never lost a business contract that I really wanted to win. I’ve never done unrequited love, if she didn’t want me I’d walk away and never look back. And I have never let people ruin my life with the specious argument that we are all going to die if we don’t behave like good little boys and girls and go to our rooms when we are told to. Come to that I have never let some spotty jerk tell me I can’t get on a flight I have paid for, not when I had every fucking piece of documentation imaginable.
It’s smegging unimaginable that the politicians supposedly running this once great country are seriously debating whether or not they should Cancel Christmas. This must be a bad dream. But no, if you read the news today there are far too many health officials and government advisors saying that if we have fun at Christmas we will all die. And WE MUST PROTECT the NHS. This is the world we live in today.
I thought that the National Health Service existed to protect me, not the fucking other way around.
And our fathers fought and died for this.
It’s not as though my personal life is any better. Once again I will be spending the holidays alone in the garret. I haven’t actually spoken to another human being for weeks, not in person. And as for romance? No fucking chance.
I am wondering what I have to do to make something sensible and enjoyable out of my life. I remember what it was like to have fun. I even remember what it was like to know love. I just don’t think I will ever have those good things again. I see years and years of being alone, stretching on and on and on. I just can’t take this.
You know what? Right now I think I’d do just about anything to get out of here.
is the prison only in my mind
or is it real?
home isn’t always where the heart is
Back at home after a sunshine vacation. All of which was good, except for the sick flight home. I thought I was looking for the summer ~ seems the truth is, I was trying to fill an empty place in my heart.
Today, here in England it’s cold, wet, grey. My friends are acting strangely. I’ve been as sick as a dog for a week.
I’m beginning to wonder if coming home was such a good idea.
time I found a way to fly away
My melancholy soul matches the grey sea
Haunting music of the wind, wave counterpointed, grey sky echoed
Frames the seascape seascape bowl with solitary figure walking
A lonely man struggling, changing but ever the same
The loneliness of a beachcomber
My inner child,
It was not your fault that you were taken from your mother and put in an incubator, just after you were born. You were not well when you were a newborn, and they had to put you in an incubator to keep you alive.
I know you loved your nanna, and that she loved you too. It was not your fault that she went away and left you . She was an old lady, and she just died.
It was not your fault that she died. It was not your fault that your parents did not explain that nanna had died. It was not your fault that nobody told you why she had to go away and leave you all alone.
Your parents did not know how to show you their love for you, and that was not your fault either.
I know you felt abandoned and unloved when you were a very young boy, but you were not to blame.
Please let yourself grieve for your nanna, and let her go to heaven to be in peace with the angels. Please forgive your nanna for dying and leaving you. Please accept that she loved you, but now she has gone.
Please forgive yourself, the blame was not yours to take.
Forgive yourself, and live in peace, happiness, and serenity from now on.
All my love,
your older self.
Without a ruthless search for and acceptance of reality it is almost impossible to live a rewarding Life which will fulfill your true potential. Yet the vast majority of people would rather live in denial than accept the truth of their personal situation.
Chronic Denial of Reality can be seen in almost all alcoholics, compulsive gamblers, drug addicts, the obese, criminals, politicians, people in dysfunctional relationships… Yet without admitting there is a problem there is no possibility of fixing the problem.
Accepting and embracing reality is usually difficult and painful. But, the first of the Great Truths is that Life is Difficult and Painful. The path to recovery from suffering and mediocrity lies is recognizing this truth. In fact, dedication to recognising and accepting the truth makes us better able to deal with the real world, and not be trapped in the world inside our own heads. Real truth is reality, ~ lying to ourselves and lying to others traps us in an unreal, looking-glass world.
There is a strong tendency to hope that bad things will just go away. There is an even stronger tendency to lie to ourselves, and completely ignore negative feelings, events, and situations. This shows either a total lack of self-discipline, and / or an underlying psychological or issue. Even when one is searching for truth and reality, the real issues and problems are sometimes difficult to discover.
In my own case I spent years suffering all kinds of symptoms, from alcohol abuse to being in a series of dysfunctional relationships, before I was strong enough, and willing enough, to search deeply inside myself for the truth. For most of my life I was unwilling to accept reality. I have now realised that I suffer from a borderline personality disorder ~ a fear of abandonment. Which is one reason I live alone, as not having a partner means that I could not be abandoned by my partner. Fear of abandonment is common and if you suffer from it the disorder will blight every relationship you ever have ~ even to the extent of not entering into close relationships in the first place.
What is Denial? What is Truth? What is Reality? Denial is not a river in Egypt. Denial is actively refusing to accept the truth. There is no absolute truth ~ my truth is different from your truth. For me, searching for the truth seems to be a daily challenge to ignore the myriad surreal falsehoods which come my way. There is no ultimate reality. My reality is different from your reality ~ and I’m not ever completely certain what is real and what is a lie. For example, I firmly believe in the law of cause and effect, but I now know that simple model of the Cosmos does not always hold true. Reality can be as disorienting as any dream state hallucination. The picture above is a seascape, but it is both true and unreal.
To do more than just survive, to get by in this world without continually suffering, and without being the cause of suffering in others, we just have to do the best we can to be as completely truthful and real as we can.
Alternative Living # 9 ~ Solitude and Mental Health
Most of my life has been spent alone. When I was a child I sought solitude. When I bought my first place I lived alone for 5 years. Even when I had a partner I spent most of my time alone, travelling, being ‘on the road’ for work, living out of suitcases in lonely hotels 4, 5 or 6 days a week. And now, I have lived alone in the seaside apartment I call ‘the garret’ for over ten years, and nobody is allowed into the garret.
Turns out that spending too much time alone can be very bad for your mental and spiritual health.
Turns out that some of the things I’ve done in the past few weeks have convinced me that I am spiritually /mentally ill ~ and you probably have no idea how much it hurts to admit that in writing. I am pretty certain that I have become a sexually repressed obsessive alcoholic who also suffers from stress, anxiety and depression. Maybe with a few other problems thrown in.
Admitting the problem is the first step to recovery ~ and there is a plan I can use to become the true me, without the baggage of behavioural problems I have been carrying. Admitting that life is difficult is the second step to recovery.
Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we see the truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult ~ once we truly understand and accept it ~ then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. ~ M. Scott Peck from The Road Less Travelled.
I belive that Dr. Peck’s book is based on The Four Noble Truths from Buddhist teachings. The Four Noble Truths lead to the Noble Eightfold Path, and it’s this road I intend to follow to recover from my need to avoid all pain, my suffering of uncontrollable cravings and lusts, seeking out and clinging only to what is pleasurable. It is a long journey, not a final destination, to my becoming the good and true person I know I can be.
Wish me well. ~ firstname.lastname@example.org
Living alone is perhaps the ultimate expression of the alternative lifestyle, yet so many people now live a solitary existence in their home. Perhaps I have taken it a little far with my Rule # 2 Nobody Is Allowed Into The Garret. (The garret is what I call my small loft apartment.) Literally this means I never have house guests, dinner guests, lunch guests, random visitors, or girls I want to sleep with, in my place. My place is my space and I don’t want another person in my space.
There are upsides to this very solitary lifestyle. For example; nobody leaves their junk around, everything is tidy and clean, the garret is exactly the way I want it, I can do whatever I want when I want, and I never have to ask anyone if they’re happy with what I am doing or how I am doing it. If I need to paint the whole place black, then I will. As it happens the garret is completely decorated and furnished in white and natural wood.
You know, one of my fears about living alone so long is that you get used to doing everything your own way. ~ Terry McMillan
There are some downsides to my isolated and remote life. For example being seen as antisocial and reclusive, which I am anyhow. Other potential downsides include being; lonely, friendless, introverted, withdrawn, introspective, unsociable, and being literally without help in times of crisis.
Some people who live alone can develop some quite nasty habits, for example; never washing or changing their clothes, never cleaning the place, not eating properly, keeping strange hours, drinking too much, smoking too much, taking drugs, watching too much pornography, spending all of their time on-line… In fact, living alone can be dangerous for your health.
I have been guilty of some of these undesirable habits from time to time ~ particularly drinking too much and keeping strange hours.
Perhaps the most common characteristic of someone who lives alone is that we become far too reflective and thoughtful, too introspective, too philosophical and meditative, too broody and serious, too melancholy and solemn, and too set in our ways. This can lead to some serious mental health problems such as melancholic depression ~ luckily for me it’s mostly women who suffer from this treatment resistant disorder. My personal disorders are that I suffer from obsessive thinking ~ which I have always had, but then I have mostly always lived and worked alone.
Hungry people are always thinking about food; poor people are always thinking about wealth. Obsessive thinking can kill your dreams. ~ Stephen Richards
The ‘cure’ for living alone but not falling into these traps is to have an active life outside of your home. However, as I have discovered to my cost, taking the solitary lifestyle mindset outside the sanctuary of your own home can get you into serious trouble. What gets you into more trouble is if you flip from being solitary and introspective at home, into being extrovert and available outside of the home.
depression evolves emotions
words and pictures by jack collier