endings and beginnings, birth and rebirth, change and transformation
It’s been a while since I touched the tarot, and yet today I was moved to take out the deck and draw a card ~ my card for today. I was expecting something from the minor arcana. Completely at random, from 78 cards I drew Death.
The Death card heralds the ending of one phase of life to make way for a new one. It represents major change and transformation. The Death card can release me from people, places, things, thoughts, and beliefs that are no longer useful in my life, but which I have been hanging on to because I feared change, I feared the unknown. Another symbol which goes alongside the Death card is The Phoenix.
Given everything that’s happened to me already in 2020, and in years past, I’m now more than ready to be honest, open, sincere, and caring of myself and others. I am looking forward to taking a new path towards a new distant horizon.
I have been given the opportunity for major growth and learning. I intend to grasp that opportunity with both hands, and all of my heart and soul.
Dawn, the end of night, a new beginning
with perseverance and endurance you can survive any storm
Nobody sane wants to suffer a doddering old age when you can’t remember anything or anyone. And certainly nobody wants to become an early victim of Alzheimer’s or Dementia.
Maybe most of us have had a parent or elderly relative who has suffered from memory loss, disorientation, poor judgement, mood swings, and a complete inability to live an independently normal life. To a certain extent maybe that can be expected and accepted when the sufferer in in their 80s or so, but why should it be? And why should anyone expect or accept the early onset of what should be a disease of the elderly such as Alzheimer’s Disease?
The fact is we can take steps to protect and, if necessary, repair our cognitive abilities. It’s not rocket science, look any website such as cognitive vitality and you will see that the things that we need to do to protect ourselves against things like dementia are exactly the same things we should be doing to live a healthy life. In order, and without even checking my information, these are;
- Stop smoking completely, (and vaping is even worse than smoking). Smoking will kill you in so many ways, but if you last long enough it will kill your brain.
- Don’t ever use drugs like pot, cocaine, heroin, (and don’t kid yourself that once in a while is OK). Don’t abuse prescription drugs, in fact as far as possible stop taking prescription drugs.
- Stop drinking, get sober, give up the booze, (and don’t even try to tell me that you can control your drinking). Drinking will also kill you in so many ways, but if you last long enough it will kill your brain.
- Eat for your brain. There is strong evidence that the right kind of diet will promote brain health. To begin with, stop eating canned food, processed food, and fast foods. Check out websites like Purple Almond Wellness.
- Get enough good quality sleep. Keep a regular bedtime 365 days a year, do not sleep in at weekends. Do not take sleeping medication, you should never need it.
- Take lots of fresh air, exercise, and sunshine. You know that you need to walk for your circulation to work properly? If you try the 10,000 steps a day thing you will sleep alright.
- Lose whatever causes you stress. You know that too much stress could kill you? It will certainly shorten your life expectancy and make you prone to nasty diseases such as cancer.
- Be active in mind and spirit. Keep learning, meet new people, get a hobby, do stuff. If you sit there drinking beer and watching sports TV your body weight is going to balloon and your IQ is going to plummet.
- Get really, really physically healthy. This is a big topic, so learn how to do it, start with a website like seven fitness tips for improved physical health. And don’t just sit there, get up and do things.
Some say that their lifestyle is fine. And that it’s OK to always drive the mile to the store and back. All I know is that the average American is killing themselves, and if they’re unlucky they’ll live long enough to kill their brain first.
being upset is no reason to;
drink, use drugs, smoke…
The only certainties in life are death and taxes. ~ Mark Twain
Everybody lies, and everybody lies the most to themselves. Because of my 30 years in banking and finance, I have been able to mostly avoid paying taxes through not always telling the whole truth, but death is something nobody can avoid. However, like a lot of men I’ve been lying to myself about that. It’s time I faced the truth.
Over the past few weeks I’ve come to the conclusion that I need an ‘end-of-life’ plan, so that others are not left to clear up what is left after I shuffle off this mortal coil. I never wanted to think about these morbid things, yet what I need to do over the next few weeks and months is put in place some very uncomfortable stuff.
- Contact a lawyer and write my will. I more or less know what’s going to be in it.
- With the same lawyer write a ‘living will‘. A living will is an advance decision that says I refuse certain medical treatments, even if that would lead to my death. I have no wish to spend my final days as a vegetable.
- Contact a funeral director to arrange and pay for my cremation ~ which will be a very simple affair.
- I have more money than I can sensibly spend between now and when I’m not really interested in having fun any more. Even though I’m an expert in banking and finance, the money I have, and the property I own should be better managed. I need to get on with that.
- I need a better plan for my own physical and mental health.
I never, ever wanted to think about these morbid schemes. Planning my own ‘end-of-life’ has been freaking me out. But, now that I’m determined to get on with it, things don’t seem so bad.
The greatest reward a man can leave at the end of his life is a clean and tidy death.
It is not the length of life that matters, but the depth of life.
What would you do if you knew that you only had one month to live? Or just one day ~ until noon?
Some say that they would finally say goodbye to all of their friends and family, put their affairs in order, and quietly sit down and wait for the grim reaper to call.
Others say they would tick off as many things on their bucket list as they could. They forget that wherever they go they take their whole life along with them.
And then there are those facing certain death who retreat into denial with religion and a bottle of booze.
Not that I believe that I am anywhere near the end of days, but I’ve had to seriously accept that my time on this planet is numbered, and the count-down started the day I was conceived.
I get the feeling that I don’t belong here, that everything good is so hard to hear, they’re just not listening. I’ve walked so far along the warrior’s path that sometimes I aim too high. I get the feeling that I am among the lucky few who has been able to accept that winter comes eventually.
So, with the assumption that I have 28 Days to Live, how does that change what’s left of my life?
- Money is worthless.
- Possessions are useless.
- Unhappiness is pointless.
- Stale relationships don’t matter at all.
- Negativity and judgementalism are a waste of time.
Only people, places, and things I do that bring me immediate happiness, contentment, and serenity deserve any place in what’s left of my life. Making other people happy may give me vicarious satisfaction, but that matters not one jot. Nothing lasts forever, people change their minds, and today is just another day. Living life to the fullest, seizing the day, means that I will only be around those who can fill my life with a kaleidoscope of colour.
My castle is in the clouds, and if others don’t want to go there then they can fuck off and have a nice day without me.
Some men say that she holds their heart in their hands. And, that if they can’t have her their life can never be complete. All I know is that it will be all right without her, I will be as strong as I can be.
a man with 28 days to live should perhaps find a woman who has fabulous legs
I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. ~ Mark Twain
Lust, Greed, and Addiction. These are deadly sins ~ deadly because lust, greed, and addiction can all drag you down to a rock-bottom more horrible than your worst nightmare, humiliate you, make you ill, and then kill you. Lust can give you all kinds of STD, take you to dangerous places, where you could meet some very nasty people. Greed can make you take risky decisions with money, accept all kinds of bad financial advice, and ultimately take every penny and asset you have, including your home. And addiction is more terribly dreadful than you could possibly imagine. If you are a woman, and addicted to anything, you will most likely do some sordid things just to feed your addiction.
It can all begin innocently enough, a date with a co-worker, regularly sitting at the bar in your favourite pub, losing a couple of hundred dollars in Las Vegas. But it may only be a matter of time before you’re the bum on the streets, or the easy slut sitting at the bar in your favourite pub, who’s just looking for a younger guy to fuck her like an animal.
The sad thing is, that once you’re on the train to destruction, there’s usually no getting off until the last stop. Almost everyone I’ve ever known who has taken that ride is now dead, often horribly so, well before their time should have been up. The list of illnesses and causes of death that lust, greed, and addiction will give you is long and horrific; insanity, renal failure, wet brain, suicide, pneumonia, cirrhosis, cardiovascular failure, cancers, accidents, gastrointestinal disorders, blood disorders, pancreatitis, malnutrition, AIDS, random violence, domestic violence, brutal rape, beriberi…..
What can you do if you have lots of casual sex, constantly think about ways of making money, gamble, drink too much and / or take drugs? Well, you can’t stop on your own. So get help before you are utterly rejected by everyone who cares for you. Try Alcoholic Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous….. It’s pointless going to your doctor, the average doctor is as much use helping with these problems as is a cement life jacket.
Some say that they drink, take drugs, gamble, make rash decisions, and have casual sex because of too much stress, worry, and fear. And that they could clean up their act anytime they like. All I know is that almost everyone is stressed, worried, and a little afraid, but they don’t all die an early, disgusting death.
just an easy slut, drinking alone, only one friend in the world, a barman
This day only is ours,
we are dead to yesterday,
and we are not yet born to the morrow.
But, if we look abroad and bring into one day’s
thoughts the evil of many, certain and uncertain,
what will be and what will never be, our load will be
as intolerable as it is unreasonable.
theologian, 1613 -1667
My inner child,
It was not your fault that you were taken from your mother and put in an incubator, just after you were born. You were not well when you were a newborn, and they had to put you in an incubator to keep you alive.
I know you loved your nanna, and that she loved you too. It was not your fault that she went away and left you . She was an old lady, and she just died.
It was not your fault that she died. It was not your fault that your parents did not explain that nanna had died. It was not your fault that nobody told you why she had to go away and leave you all alone.
Your parents did not know how to show you their love for you, and that was not your fault either.
I know you felt abandoned and unloved when you were a very young boy, but you were not to blame.
Please let yourself grieve for your nanna, and let her go to heaven to be in peace with the angels. Please forgive your nanna for dying and leaving you. Please accept that she loved you, but now she has gone.
Please forgive yourself, the blame was not yours to take.
Forgive yourself, and live in peace, happiness, and serenity from now on.
All my love,
your older self.
glimpsed accomplished dreams
overcomes surrounded memories
intermittent tragic vulnerabilities
words and pictures by jack collier email@example.com