Never look to another to tell you who you really are.
A friend of mine has said that I need some form of mental health / spiritual counselling ~ suggesting to me that she thinks there’s something seriously wrong with the way I feel, think, act, and react to events and people. I guess she believes that I don’t feel, think, act, or react in ways that she likes when it comes to my friendship with her.
I thought about this a lot and very seriously. I am fully aware that I don’t follow normal rules of behaviour, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and I also know there are, (at least), a couple of reasons for this.
Something happened to me deep in my early childhood, so far back that I don’t know exactly what happened to me when I was maybe 3 years old. But whatever happened had a very profound effect on me, sufficient to change my personality for my whole life. It’s complicated, but various mental-health types have said a couple of things; #1 I don’t have bipolar disorder, and #2 I may have had borderline personality disorder, but if I had I’ve recovered. Well, that’s helpful….. or not. The practical upshot of whatever happened when I was a young child is that I will not willingly accept advice, criticism, or chastisement. So what? That just puts me in line with 99% of the rest of the crazy people on this planet.
The second reason I don’t follow normal rules of behaviour is because I’m better than that. I’m enlightened, truthful, open, ethical, grounded, and fucking smart. And to be honest, with the exception of the people who follow me on this blog, that makes me a better man than anyone any of us is likely to meet in an average day.
So, I thought about this very carefully when it came to finding a therapist / counsellor / spiritual adviser….. and decided that wasn’t going to happen.
I’ve spent the greater part of the past 2, 3, or maybe 4 years trying to walk the warrior’s path. Trying to find out who I am, who I was, and who I wish to be. And now, after years of effort, I’m finally beginning to see some light.
It may just be a candle in a hurricane of hellish darkness, but that small light is me.
The little boy may have become a broken man, with a broken spirit and broken dreams, but today I can hold on and today I’m feeling strong. I know who I am, and I’m not a shadow or the man in the mirror anymore.
No over-qualified, well-intentioned, mental health wazzock is going to be given my permission to dip their dirty fingers into my soul. There is no chance of me attending therapy / counselling / psychotherapy. Not now, not next year, not ever.
It turns out that I know who I am, and I like who I am. And, those that don’t can fuck off. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, and please don’t keep in touch.
Some say that humility is the true key to success. And, that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. All I know is that I’ve tried humility and therapy, and all I got was insanity.
I have a new plan of action concerning my supposed need for counselling. I am happy to take no action whatsoever.
Marmaduke is as sick of misplaced and unwanted advice as I am.
An Unnatural Fear Of Abandonment
Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in. ~ Shannon L. Alder
I have a counsellor to help me with my nastier character defects, and recently she explored with me the possibility that I may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder which is a serious mental health problem. The evidence my counsellor quotes is that;
- I have a great fear that the people I care for will abandon me and hurt me.
- I suffer from very intense emotions, and mood swings.
- I am an all or nothing, black and white person.
- I do not have a strong sense of self, (and I have no idea what that means).
- I find it extremely hard to make and keep stable relationships.
- I act impulsively and some of the things I do are dangerous.
- I am the original ‘angry man’.
- I have ‘attempted suicide’ as a cry for help.
- I often refuse medical treatment.
- I sometimes abuse alcohol.
As you would expect, I’ve thought about this very carefully, and decided that my counsellor was talking bull droppings. Accordingly, I found some online self-test questionnaires from sites like; Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified, Counseling-Office.com, Psyche Central, PsyCom, and the UK National Health Service
Every single time I honestly and openly took one of these tests the answer was that I ‘most likely’ have a Borderline Personality Disorder. (Most of the time my scores were off the red end of the scale…) I would rather not have my whole life affected by something that happened years and years ago, when I was a child. Sometimes I act insane, and honestly, I’d rather not.
In order to recover from this ‘illness’ or whatever Borderline Personality Disorder is, I have some serious work to do.
It seems that I should be reporting to my family doctor, for onward referral to psychotherapy, and treatments like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Schema-focused Therapy, and Systems Training for Emotional Predictability and Problem Solving (STEPPS).
There are also a lot of drugs the doctors can prescribe for BPD; antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilisers, sleeping tablets, tranquilisers… My guess is that none of these drugs will work much to actually treat a Borderline Personality Disorder.
None of that official medical treatment is going to happen any time soon. This is my problem, in my own mind, and I am determined to solve it myself. Self-help is a very powerful thing. Even though I am my own worst enemy ~ the real me will win out in the end.
I’m so good at beginnings, but in the end I always seem to destroy everything, including myself. ~ Kiera Van Gelder
Self-help may not be the whole answer, but I will keep you posted of my progress. The Truth Is In My Own Mind.