Vacationing alone is darkly depressing.
Not that I was supposed to be a solitary traveller. The plan was that I was visiting California to spend time with a friend, hang out, see some great places and do some cool things.
Sadly, it hasn’t worked out that way.
Our wants, needs, and expectations are different. Our pasts, presents, and probable futures are very different. Our cultures, ethics, mores, standards, and Life experiences have little in common. Our feelings are different. So there have been some issues between us.
Yesterday I was alone in Newport Beach, which is a very cool place to spend a day. For me, yesterday was unbelievably painful. My friend and I had been to Newport Beach together, so everywhere I went and every view I photographed just reminded me of happier and better times. The ashes of a relationship are bittersweet indeed.
I have about 10 more days in California. I guess I shall mostly spend them alone. It will give me time to think. Think about what? Who the fuck knows?
One thing I do know is that I shall never take another relationship risk, I shall never risk being alone on vacation again.
Or, on the other hand, I might.
It’s Friday, so this should be a food post, but there are some reasons it isn’t, not least that I have a stinking cold, and the last thing I want to think about is food.
In my fevered dreams I have been imagining my current relationship’s doom. It’s not good. The imaginings lead to introspection. So, right now, I can write about Balancing The Inner Man, coping with the male romancer, the lover, the cool guy.
Men should live in balance between work, rest, friends, family, responsibilities, and recreation. Men should live in balance between love and disregard. Men should live within the maxim of a healthy mind in a healthy body. Men should be aware of the balance between mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Most importantly, all men should be aware of becoming unbalanced because of a too deep an attraction to a woman.
Only addiction can unbalance a real man, and loving a woman is a form of addiction.
Men, this man at least, is aggressive, jealous, prideful, protective, and vulnerable. Men have both an inner masculine being and an inner feminine side. In a truly mature man these things should be in balance, with the emphasis being on masculinity. But, a superior man will let go of the caveman mentality, and become accepting, emotionally expressive, open-minded, and understanding.
If you are a woman this seems self-evident, but let me tell you, as a man, these ‘feminine’ character traits are
fucking beyond ordinarily difficult. And an attraction to a woman makes it much harder for a mature and superior man to behave in a balanced and gentlemanly manner.
Understanding and accepting her completely needs 100% of the goodness and acceptance a man can offer. People do what they did, and a leopard never changes its spots. Being good with her past is almost impossible. Being good with her family needs just as much emotional strength as living with her past. And, being cool with her friends is often a Herculean task.
However, there are only two choices in a relationship, care for her, or walk away. Sometimes deciding to walk away is more painful than staying in a bad relationship. Sometimes walking away is what we should do.
Friendships and sexual attraction are based on differences. There can be no passion without inner masculinity, and men are not normally attracted to women who have no deep feminine qualities. A truly feminine woman will have qualities that a superior man finds both endearing and difficult to live with.
But, if you want her, you will accept her completely. A superior man can only care for one woman, and to do otherwise is a lie. Screwing around is the mark of a pathetic being, not a balanced and superior man.
The Cosmos made life difficult for a reason, for without difficulties how do we develop, grow, and evolve?
When it comes down to it, it’s all about balance.
Now is the time to enter a new and better world.
Here in the a Northern Hemisphere Vernal Equinox is upon us. Springtime. There should be joy in the morning light.
Some say that this is when we should release and clear away old timelines to make way for newer and better futures in our life. And, that old dreams, feelings, memories, and wounds will surface to be experienced for one last time, and then released. All I know is the most painful wounds I have are destroying me, and there seems to be little or nothing I can do about it.
I have learned nothing from the pain I am feeling, because it is not the result of anything I have done, or would ever do. These wounds were created by another, and they have given me nothing, taught me nothing, and brought no understanding nor reason into my life.
There is no clarity, enlightenment, or purity about my current state of mind. My feelings are confused, and my emotions feel as dirty as a pool of mud. There is still love in my spirit, but on the other side of the balance is a heavy pile it utterly black negativity.
It is to my own detriment that I cannot accept the divine vernal love which is being offered to me. It is because I know that the love I should be receiving is being offered to me by souls with dark pasts.
I have lost myconnection with the Cosmos, with Nature, with Honour and Truth, and with myself. I sincerely and honestly seek to heal myself, and to heal my relationships with all I care for. And yet, as I look inward, all I can see is a wounded and resentful being who is a very long way from acceptance, enlightenment, and understanding.
What once was is over, and can never be recreated.
It will need a miracle to create something good from the dark burning wreckage of my spirit. I need to turn the page on the past and leave all that once was behind me.
This Vernal Equinox I pray that there may be enough good energy to lift me from the slough of despair and despond I have fallen into.
I pray to my Goddess that this is so. I ask my Goddess to bring the Spring morning light to me.
Wisdom cures so many things, except loves lost forever.
adulteress betrayal cuckold dreaming
erotic flirtatious gratuitous harlot
infidelities juicy kissable lusting
men naughty occult provoking
qualmless rape scary tart
unholy vixen witch
the converse of this post will appear soon
I you’re not offending someone, you’re not doing your job.
Yesterday evening I started to write a post for today ~ or rather I began 3 different posts, and scrapped all of them. All three of those posts would have offended some of the people who follow my blog, and some of my close friends, so I junked all of those questionable posts.
I believe in absolute freedom of expression. Everyone has a right to be offended. ~ Taslima Nasrin
If you have followed my blog for any length of time you will know that I don’t shy away from offending some people, but the people I’m happy to offend deserve whatever they get, and more. I have no problem being offensive to Bankers, Politicians, Government Officials ~ and on Monday of this week I was offensive toward the disgusting sex-pests, perverts, paedophiles, and rapists who work for some ‘Big Charities’ such as Oxfam.
I’m not happy to offend the innocent who just happen to do, (or have done), some things I profoundly disagree with. That would be cruel, hurtful, hypocritical, mendacious, and vicious of me.
I try to practice ‘mindfulness’ every time I encounter a stressful feeling or negative emotion, of I am challenged by my own anger. Mindfulness grounds me in the present and stops me obsessing about the past. I can look at my feelings as though I am an uninvolved observer, rather than being at the centre of the maelstrom. That way I can act and react in a balanced and thoughtful way.
So, instead of what I intended to write about, which in each of the three cases would have been stressful, challenging, negative, and emotive ~ I’m going to tell you how I came to the decision that writing about this stuff would have been a bad idea.
These days I try to live a kind, mindful, self-aware, and spiritual existence ~ bringing inner peace and happiness to myself and those around me. Offending innocent people for no good reason than my own instant gratification is not living an ethical and spiritual existence.
I try to be accepting, understanding, and supportive to those around me. I do my best to live a mindful life. I work very hard at walking the warrior’s path to ultimate truth and inner peace. I profoundly believe that as I give to the world, so I shall receive in return.
Ergo, publishing a blog which I knew would upset and hurt some people, which would make them think that I was actually attacking them, was not who I am trying to be today. In any event, I am not perfect within myself.
When you are offended at any person’s fault, turn to yourself and study our own failings. Then you will forget your anger. ~ Epictetus
I want to make good changes in my relationships, my behaviours, habits, and routines ~ attacking someone, or a group of people, is neither good nor positive. So, I decided that I just wasn’t going to do it.
And you know what? I feel better for not publishing any of those three negative, emotive, and judgmental posts.
The posts I had half written, and then trashed were about Borderline Personality Disorder, casual sex with strangers, and the medicinal use of marijuana.
It’s so quiet in the ruins of a relationship.
It’s so fucking quiet in the ruins of,
walking through the old memories,
feeling the past with sexual regret,
the song stays the same but the lyrics,
are as distant as the wolf moon.
Sexual desire is impervious to sense and reason.
What am I longing for most in life? That’s a hard question It’s one of the questions in the Dreambook and Planner a friend sent to me.
That question made me think a lot, as it should have. I don’t have an answer as yet.
The thing is I have some easy answers, guy type answers, and of course more and better sex is an easy answer for a guy.
It’s disturbing for me that friendship and love seem more important to me right now than monochromatic lust. Lust and sex are transient, love and friendship are permanent things. As I guy I think I should be more into casual sex.
But I do love black and white pictures of attractive women. Why monochromatic? It is so much sexier.
And why do women who smoke turn me on? That’s weird too.
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Dreams shed light into places our waking self fears to go.
Very, very rarely I can remember a dream when I wake in the morning. Vivid, meaningful dreams that are as long and detailed as a real-life event played out like a powerful TV drama. The memory of these dreams does not fade, the memories of dreams like these stays with me as long and as strong as any real-life memories.
Usually these dreams are enlightening, they teach me something important, they bring clarity to an area of my life that has been mired in confusion. Sometimes these vivid dreams are disturbing.
A couple of nights ago I dreamed of betrayal. In this dream my friend played, seduced, and then had sex with a handsome house guest while I was sleeping. Very strange. I do not believe I have ever before had a dream that was even remotely like that version of sexual betrayal. It was not the most pleasant dream I have ever had.
The dream got worse than that. My reaction to my friend playing and then having sex with a handsome house guest was violent. In my dream I threw her down a flight of stairs. And, that kind of violence can kill people.
I have thought hard about what this all might mean.
One thing it means is that in my dream I tapped into a place, into thoughts and feelings, that my wakeful and conscious mind would fear to tread. Or perhaps I wouldn’t ever go to that dark place because I didn’t even know it existed.
I think the second thing it means is that part of me must believe that my friend used to be the kind of woman who would have sex with just about anyone. That is very hurtful and disturbing. I am hopeful that this dream was me getting rid of those negative thoughts once and for all.
But, the most terrible thing is that, deep down in my psyche, I may have a propensity towards extreme violence. I hope not.
I am glad my dream took me to places in my mind that I would not otherwise venture toward. I am not glad about what I found there.
But, there is another thought. Dreams such as the one I described may have been sent to me by a Goddess I believe in. If that’s the case the dark Goddess Isis sent me that dream. She is trying to teach me something. Perhaps deep down I am attracted to sexually available and promiscuous women ~ I’m not certain that’s the case, but the thought and meanings are interesting.
It would be good if the lesson was more obvious, and less disturbing.
What I do know is that there is no end to love.
Perhaps that is the whole point.
where ever you are
and whoever you are
I hope that your year
is ending well.
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my phone battery lasts longer than your relationships
It begins with a brief refrain from an English Civil War tune Lillibullero, and goes on with the immortal words; Viking, North Utsire, South Utsire, Forties, Cromarty, Forth, Tyne, Doggar…
The shipping forecast is the very best weather forecast the world has to offer. But that’s not why I mention it here.
At times in a man’s life he cares about someone so much that falling out with them means he cannot think, eat, or sleep. At those times he will be awake before the sparrows to hear Lillibullero and the shipping forecast on the wireless. Then, if he has any sense, he knows she just isn’t worth it. A real man knows when it’s time to pick up his knapsack and move on.
Then we play, over the hills and far away.
a fool and his money are soon parted
If you want to lose money really fast, or just guarantee that you will go broke eventually, then here are some brilliant ideas for you;
- Online Gambling. Gambling in any form ~ from playing the slots in Las Vegas, to betting on horse racing at a high-street bookmaker in England ~ is guaranteed to lose you as much money as you like. All those attractive online gambling sites just allow you to lose your money with 24/7 dedication from the comfort of your own home / office / car… Online Forex Trading is just another form of gambling ~ you will lose loads of money.
- Forex Trading. The foreign exchange market exists for some very sensible reasons ~ it allows me to pay for a hotel stay in Wyoming, (priced in $), on my English credit card, (denominated in £). Unecessary trading on the the Forex Market also allows idiots to risk vast amounts of money, and then inevitably lose it. I’m an expert in all this stuff, and it would take me a week to teach you the basics, so just trust me, you will lose if you go online trading. Even companies like Rolls Royce get burned, (lately to the tune of £4 billion), due to unecessarily hedging the Forex Market.
- Expensive New Cars. A hot set of wheels might boost your ego, get you a hot date, and it will also lose you a fortune. Almost all cars depreciate over time, and some high-status cars depreciate at an horrific rate. Add in the high cost on insuring your new car, and the good chance that you’ll crash the thing if you ever drive it hard, and an expensive new car can be a real money pit. Best of all, get drunk, drive really fast, and then roll your car down a freeway embankment. By the way, never believe a car salesperson, all sales people are professional liars, and I should know because I used to be one.
- Online Dating. If your expensive new car hasn’t got you a real date, you could be a totally insane pathetic loser and try online dating as well. Online dating isn’t cheap, both in terms of money and time. And, it’s one of most dangerous things you can do, for example both human and robot scammers target the sad people who use online dating sites. Or, you could get used, abused, robbed, raped, or dead. If you just want to ruin your life, the get yourself addicted to paid online porn.
- Dangerous Drugs. I include here; street drugs including marijuana, prescription drugs, party drugs, legal highs, tobacco, and booze. To really waste a great deal of money while ruining your health and your life along the way, then get into everything at once. Best of all get buzzed and go on the internet with your credit cards to hand. Do not go near 12 step groups like Alcoholics Anonymous.
There are some other brilliant ways to go broke fast; trophy wife, mistress, toyboy, high-class hookers, marrying a foreigner, getting sick abroad without proper insurance, buying a home without having a full survey, signing things you don’t understand, and perhaps best of all guaranteed get rich quick schemes.
If you really throw yourself into the above activities, not only could you lose all the money you have, you could also get yourself heavily into debt with some nasty people. Along the way you are very likely to lose your self-respect, job, real friends, home, family, health, and maybe your life. If you want to go downhill really, really fast, then I recommend you start at #5 and work your way upwards.
Most of you will never get as far as #1 because you’ll be on the streets, in jail, or dead long before that. If you work diligently at #5 you could be dead broke and dead in a couple of years.
Good luck with totally ruining your life by getting heavily into any of the above financially stupid moves.
these thoughts are mine, and mine alone