Tag Archives: Borderline Personality Disorder

my character defects

Character defects exist to remind you of how much you were wounded.

My past was darkness

anger, anxieties, arrogance

bigotry, blaming, boastfulness

controlling, cowardice, crudeness

dishonesty, destruction, deviousness

fear, guilt, hate, harshness, hopelessness

intolerance, judgementalism, lying, lustfulness

manipulating, negativity, perfectionism, recklessness

evil sarcasm, selfishness, thoughtlessness, unfaithfulness

unreliability, undisciplined thrill seeking, vulgarity, wastefulness

all my days were filled with misery, pain, suffering, doubt, difficulties

today I am empowered, self-aware, self-confident, accepting mindfulness

I have abandoned my character defects and found acceptance and happiness

~

jack collier

email;  jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

the pain you felt yesterday

is the strength you feel today

do not be just another sheep in the flock

To really live, first escape from the prison you made for yourself.

Some change, some significant shift in the way I think and feel has allowed me to better understand the infinite intricacies of life, to see my true inner self, and consequently gain a much greater self-awareness and feeling of self-confidence.

I firmly believe that I can now rise above the obstacles and pit-falls of this crazy chaotic life in a determined and assertive way.  I know that I can follow the warrior’s path to happiness and genuine fulfillment.  Quite suddenly and unexpectedly, there is a forceful and innovative energy bubbling away in the depths of my subconsciousness.  Taken together this means that, since my return from a weird vacation in Turkey, I have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to strike out on my own, to feel confident and liberated, in control of what is happening in my own life.

I have always had a great deal of financial freedom, but emotionally and spiritually I have been utterly repressed, a prisoner of my own inadequacies and the negativity of others.  Now I need to engage my true strengths and inner abilities ~ I guess working out how to do that may take a little longer than I think.

I have always had a strong character and a strong will, but always seemed to be afraid of leaving the well established fortress of my comfort zone.  I believe that I am no longer fearful of releasing my strong will and doing things quite differently from other people.

In my life it’s been much easier to follow the flow of everyone else, but that route will never allow anyone to reach their destiny and discover their own ultimate truth.  It seems now is the time for me to become more of a leader, and less of just another sheep in the flock,

Perhaps it really is time for me to break free of the limitations I have created for myself, and others have created for me, by trying to conform to what I think I ‘should’ be doing.  You can please some of the people most of the time if you do what they want, but no matter what you do, you can’t please all your family and friends all of the time.

To begin with, my new and different attitude felt rebellious and disrespectful, but I now know that if I don’t dare to be different, I will never realise just how much I can enjoy This Life.

Some say that you only get one chance to remake your life into what you have always wanted it to be.  And, that everyone who is close to you will do everything they can to stop you from breaking away.  All I know is that I can and will do just what my destiny calls me to do.

I am no longer a prisoner, I am a free man.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

sometimes all you need is a very cool car

 

lusts wants needs desires

When I am true to myself, I am strong beyond measure.

the application of will

continues to tempt me still

uninhibited too dangerous thrill

urges wants desires needs emotional

uninhibited casual sexual relationships fill

my life with seductress midnight encounters

hazardous erotic carnal liaisons midnight hours

rash instant gratification sensual lustful animal urges

I know that I should have become a better man than that

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

the path to freedom from suffering

is through self-discipline in body, mind, and spirit

Synchronicity

inexplicable interconnectedness in everyday magic.

Sometimes a vacation is more than just a holiday.  Sometimes chance meetings have a deeper meaning than just ‘hello’.

This vacation happened by chance.  Everyone I have met in the past few days I have met by chance.  Every meaningful event from the past few days happened as a result of the chance interconnectedness of all things.

And yet, in the past few days,  three events that I needed to happen have come to fruition.

I did not know that I needed these experiences, but now they have occurred I know they are vital to my emotional and spiritual health.

Firstly, learned that some men are irredeemable bastards, but that doesn’t stop otherwise sensible women liking them and wanting them.

Secondly I learned that friendships between men and women are often just transitory bargains.

Thirdly, I met a man I didn’t know I needed to meet.  We talked of the warrior’s path and borderline personality disorder.  We talked of addiction, drugs, booze, and sex.  We talked of other things.  We talked of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings.

All of those things happened by chance, because by chance I took this little vacation in Turkey.

Sometimes the Magic happens.

 

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Preservation of Self

I am what I am, and that’s a man.

Your feelings are not my feelings, and my feelings are not your feelings

your standards are not my mine,  my standards are not your standards

your past is not my past, and my past is not your past

your life is not my life, and my life is not your life

you are not me, and I am not you

and yet we are friends and lovers

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Being Mindful and Forgiving

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the lunatic prisoner was you.  ~  Louis B. Smedes.

There has never been much forgiveness in my life, and mostly I have been very unforgiving of myself.  I expect to cope, whatever happens, and be a high achiever.  At times I can act like a lunatic.

This has led me into a very disruptive pattern in my life.  A pattern which others can often recognise better than I can.  These words of advice were sent to me a couple of days ago, by a very good friend.  This is how she describes my life.

  1. High on Life …… very optimistic….. on top of the world.
  2. Sexual buzz is strong.
  3. I forget all the things that were said when I tried to confront past problems and issues
  4. Minor irritation sets in when I don’t feel appreciated.  I become resentful and mistrustful.
  5. I start looking for the hidden dark meaning in things said, or not said.  Become more distrustful, and often angry ~ often very angry with myself.
  6. Get totally pissed-off when feelings, emotions, and thoughts that have no basis in truth fill my mind.  Start to apply twisted logic to situations and conversations.
  7. Voices in my mind tell me to escape, say ‘Fuck It All’, and then I will have a drink or 10.
  8. Go missing from the world for days at a time, during which something very bad will happen.

That’s been the pattern of my life for a very long time.  I need to recognise it, and cut it off at the neck when the darker, depressive thoughts begin.

I agree with my friend that I need to try to live with inner peace, mindfulness, and serenity.

Escaping into booze is no solution.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Marmaduke lives very peacefully

Not Sleeping is Very Bad

Insomnia turns an earthly paradise into a place of torture.

If you don’t fall asleep within 20 minutes of getting into bed and turning off the lights, if you toss and turn and wake up several times in the night, if you don’t wake up feeling instantly refreshed and ready to hit the ground running, then you are not getting enough good sleep.

Scientific studies show that for good health almost everyone needs 7 or 8 hours of good sleep, every single night of their adult lives.  Not getting enough good sleep does really bad things to you.

Just some of the bad effects of lack of sleep are; depression, diabetes, fatigue, heart diseases, heart attack, high blood pressure, poor immune system leading to illness, impulsive behaviours, irritability, paranoia, stroke, suicidal thoughts, and Death.

All of us know exactly that some of the things some of us do from time to time will prevent us from sleeping well at night; not getting enough fresh air and exercise during the day, drinking too much booze, eating late at night, using social media late at night, not going to bed at the same time every night, staying in bed late at weekends, having unresolved issues that prey on our mind, having an untreated mental illness, having our bedroom too warm, too noisy, and not dark enough, being in a dysfunctional relationship, hanging out in bars, casual sex…..

I’ve got a bad case of the 3.00 am guilts ~ you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn’t do right?  Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression, paranoia, and self-loathing.  ~  D. D. Barant.

Some things that most of us do will disrupt our internal body clock, our circadian rhythm, and prevent us from getting a decent night’s sleep, for night after night after night.  Who knew that our internal body clock is so important to good sleep and good health?  If you do stuff that fucks up disrupts your internal body clock, resulting in a lack of good sleep, you will seriously damage your physical, mental, and spiritual health and fitness.

All the things that will help ensure that we will always have a good night’s sleep are so bleeding obvious that a child of 5, or 6, or 7 already knows them, instinctively.

  • Stick to a sleep schedule.  Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, including weekends and vacations.
  • Get plenty of fresh air and exercise.  Get out and walk for an hour a day, (10,000 steps), but not too late in the day.
  • Get plenty of sunlight during the day ~ tricky if you live in northern England like me, (or Canada, or Alaska, or Scandinavia…).
  • Avoid caffeine later in the day.  It’s a stimulant, and the caffeine in a cup of coffee will take about 6 or 8 hours to wear off.
  • Do not smoke.  Nicotine is a stimulant, smoking affects your breathing, you will get nicotine withdrawal through the night and wake up, you will have nightmares for years after you stop smoking.  Smokers never sleep well.
  •  Booze.  Don’t drink to much, especially late at night.  A glass of wine / hard booze just before you go to bed will stop you from getting a decent night’s rest.  Trust me, people who drink late at night, most nights, are three parts of the smegging way to being an alcoholic.
  • Do not eat late at night.  Don’t eat anything much for a couple of hours before bed-time.
  • Don’t take a nap after three in the afternoon.
  • Have a relaxing hot bath just before bed-time.  Light some candles, play some relaxing music, turn off your racing mind.
  • Have a dark bedroom, quiet bedroom, cool bedroom, gadget free bedroom, and no fucking blue light from your phone / tablet / computer shining all night.
  • Forget all the bad things from the day, especially the ignorant son of a bitch person who cut you up on the freeway on your way to work.
  • Finally, if you just cannot get to sleep, then don’t just lie in bed fretting.  If you really cannot sleep, get up and do something else instead, (but none of the bad things listed above).

One thing that some doctors say will result in a restored sleep cycle and better sleep is using marijuana, pot, cannabis.  There are some serious downside risks to the cannabis user, such as; anxiety, breathing problems, poor coordination, damaging a child in the womb, hallucinations, heart attacks, impaired thinking and cognitive functions, nausea, road traffic accidents, smoking anything is a known health risk, suicide, paranoia and schizophrenia, being arrested, losing your job, and Death.  All other drugs you can take to help you sleep are worse than marijuana, especially in the longer term.  (Anyhow, I would never sleep with anyone who uses drugs.  Come to that, I wouldn’t have lunch with a drug user.)

Some say that going without sleep for night after night is dangerous.  And, that eventually going without sleep will kill you, after 11 days or so.  All I know is that not sleeping is very, very unpleasant.

~

Insomnia

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

you may be able to tell that I didn’t sleep well last night

 

Naming My Fears

Paranoia; an extreme feeling that people are lying to me.

There is no such thing as paranoia.  Your worst fears can come true at any moment.  ~ Hunter S. Thompson.

We are all conditioned by our past.  We have all been conditioned by society.  We have all learned to be afraid.  Our parents, our carers, our siblings, and all of society taught us to be afraid.

We learned negative thought, and we learned character defects like; anxiety, cowardice, denial, distrust, evasiveness, frustration, guilt, hatred, immorality, insecurity, pessimism, possessiveness, promiscuity, self-pity, and worry.  All of these character defects are manifestations of fear.

It has been a massive shock to me to realise and accept just how afraid I have been for most of my life.

My greatest fear ~ fear of abandonment.  I was a small, premature baby, placed in an incubator immediately after birth.  Before I was five years old my maternal grandmother, my principal carer, left me.  She had passed away.

My second greatest fear ~ that people are lying to me.  My parents didn’t tell me that my nan had died, I thought she had abandoned me.  My parents’ lying by omission, and telling me half-truths, destroyed my capacity to trust anyone.

Half a truth is often a great lie.  ~  Benjamin Franklin

My third greatest fear ~ that I am not good enough, that I do everything wrong, that I am useless.  I thought my nan had left me because I had been a bad boy, that I just wasn’t good enough for her anymore.  Since then I have always felt second-best.

Because of that trauma in my formative years I have always been afraid of getting things wrong, and of being mocked for making mistakes.  I have been morbidly afraid of rejection, which has resulted in all of my relationships with women becoming utterly dysfunctional.  I am deeply afraid of developing a close relationship with an attractive and sexual woman.

Good girls go to heaven,  Bad girls go everywhere.  ~  Mae West

Because of my childhood trauma, I believe that every women I have had a close relationship with has lied to me, and I am afraid that negative belief also means that I cannot even know truth from falsehoods.  In my own life I attempt to be dedicated to the truth, but to be a truthful man in a world of liars is to live in a very scary place.  And, as we all know, everybody lies all the time.

Keeping secrets from someone is no different from lying to them.  It’s still dishonest.   And I am deeply afraid of dishonesty.

Perhaps due to the traumas I experienced before I was 5 years old, for most of my life I have suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a serious mental illness that brings with it it’s very own set of fears.  Happily, I am mostly in recovery from BPD.

Some say that we are all afraid of change because we fear the unknown.  And that our fears are there to protect us from really bad things happening to us.  All I know is that if I keep on doing what I’ve always done, then I’ll get what I always got.

I don’t believe in fate or destiny.  I believe in various degrees of fear, paranoia, and abandonment.  ~  Henry Rollins.

To recover from paranoia and fear I am working on healing the causes of my problems, rather than the symptoms.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

no matter how much you deceive yourself,

you have to know that she has always lied to you.

Feeling Weird

the angst of solitude, where you’re alone with the cosmos.

I have just been through the Dark Night of the Soul.

Last evening I felt very strange ~ for no readily apparent reason.

Mentally I was quite depressed and melancholy, with a feeling of deep angst thrown in.

My thoughts were wandering into dark places I didn’t want to go ~ places that in the past would certainly have driven me towards strong drink as a way of escape from my own tortured mind.

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.  ~  George Bernard Shaw.

Physically I felt weak, my arms and legs were as heavy as lead, and I had severe peripheral neuropathy in my hands and forearms.

It is said that our feelings are kept in our body, and that if we don’t deal with those feelings they will surface as physical symptoms ~ particularly if those feelings are causing undue stress.

Overall, this was extremely painful and mentally uncomfortable ~ I had to reach out to a close friend for support.

I believe that what is going on with me, both mentally and physically, is due to all the introspection I’ve experienced through diligently working through the Hay House World Summit programme.  And let me tell you, twenty hours of this in a week is a lot of work.

This is all to the good.  It means that I’m not wasting my time with all these audio lessons and films.  It means that deep down in my subconscious I’m turning over the dead earth of my past traumas, character defects, and negativity.  It means that I am creating a new and better view of myself, my relationships, the world, and the cosmos.

It may be that I am truly walking the warrior’s path.

At least I sincerely hope and believe that’s what is happening to me.

Spiritually, mentally, and physically I still feel like crap today.  However, sometimes there has to be a little pain along the way before we get to those sunlit meadows of inner peace.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

I am not my emotions

From time to time the darkness would overwhelm me.

It turns out that I am an emotional being, which is an unwanted paradigm shift for a taciturn and repressed English guy like me.  And yet, for much of my recent life I have been completely defined and driven by powerful emotions.

From time to time my psyche would spiral down a dark hole into a place where I became angry, jealous, manipulative, paranoid, resentful, unreasonable…  filled with negative thoughts and feelings.

These emotions would hit me out of nowhere, coming from deep within my subconscious mind, usually when my conscious guard was down ~ because I was tired, stressed, had been drinking, or someone close had lied to me, or perhaps just because something had gone slightly wrong in my life.

And these intense, darkly negative emotions could often drive a complete change in my personality, turning me from a rational and sociable man into an irrational and dangerous Mr. Hyde.

One thing you can’t hide ~ is when you’re crippled inside.  ~  John Lennon.

The reality is that intensely negative and darkly dangerous emotions are driven by fear, and in my case probably a paranoid fear of abandonment created by the Borderline Personality Disorder I have suffered from for most of my life.

Fear is powerful, deep, affecting the most primeval part of our psyche, what Freud calls the id.  And fear generates the equally powerful fight or flight reflex.  At my darkest I would fight by attacking people verbally and in writing, and run away into a bottle of booze.  Neither of these reflex actions was in the least useful to me.

What I needed was a strategy which allowed me to accept my negative emotions without allowing their destructive power to ruin my relationships and my life ~ wanting to find a suitable way to check out of life is not good.

What I needed was to be more emotionally stable and resilient.

It turns out that emotionally resilient people have some important things in common.  Emotionally stable and resilient people;

  1. Are Realists.  Grounded.  Optimists are soon disappointed and easily lose hope.  Realists make the best they can of the ‘Now’.
  2. Have Faith.  Believe in something greater than themselves, something greater than whatever bad situation they may find themselves in.
  3. Are extremely and radically creative.
  4. Have a support network of close friends, doctors, counsellors, 12-step groups…
  5. Have a great, but usually weird and warped, sense of humour.

These are all things that I could invent for myself.  I can grow and develop these character traits that actually exist in all of us.  Each day I have been able to further manifest these character traits within myself.  Every hour I have become more emotionally stable and resilient.

One ought to hold onto one’s heart; for if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head too.  ~  Friedrich Nietzsche.

Life goes on, and I do not have to allow my emotions to control me.

Although my emotions are an important part of me, I AM NOT MY EMOTIONS.

Some say that negative emotions have an important role to play in a happy life.  And that negative emotions are telling you that you need to change and transform yourself.  All I know is that you can turn things around and control how your emotions affect you.

Life does not have to be perfect to be good.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

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