Tag Archives: Borderline Personality Disorder

Adult Night Terrors

Night Sweats, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Sleep Terrors.

Night Terrors are not Nightmares ~ typically a nightmare happens when you’re in deep dream sleep, whereas night terrors wake you up, so the experience of a night terror is one of wakefulness.  Night terrors are also different from Sleep Terrors, because a night terror will wake you up, whereas with a sleep terror you will have all the symptoms of extreme fear, but you will stay asleep.  If you are awake, or partially awake, and terrified in the night, then the chances are you are suffering from night terrors, (which are a recognised psychological disorder).

Nightmares usually occur in the early morning during REM sleep when our dreams are at their most vivid.  More often than not we can remember all the cinematographic details of a long, scary nightmarish dream when we first wake.  On the other hand, night terrors usually happen during the first part of the night, aren’t part of REM sleep, and we won’t remember anything much other than waking up / being awake in a terrified state.

Typically, night terrors are caused by a previous psychological trauma, (such as an abusive childhood), or by stress, or by substance abuse, (such as drinking too much just before bedtime).  However, as one of the causes of drinking too much before bedtime is a mental illness like Borderline Personality Disorder, which is itself probably caused by a previous psychological trauma, it’s fair to say that if you suffer from night terrors you’re probably drinking too much and suffered some severe disturbance / abuse / trauma in your past.  Chances are if you’re in that situation you’re also feeling very pressured right now, and suffering from the symptoms of undue stress.  It’s an illogical Catch-22 situation.

If you suffer from night terrors it’s likely that you wake very suddenly with an intense fear of something unknown / a nameless dread.  Your heart will be beating fast, you will be breathing hard and fast, your blood pressure will be elevated, your eyes will be wide and staring, and you will be sweating.  This is different from night sweats, which is severe and excessive sweating, without the associated terror.  The common causes of night sweats are medical, and some of them are very nasty, such as cancer.  However, one other cause of night sweats is drinking too much.

What night terrors will do to you is prevent you from getting the 7 to 9 hours of good quality sleep that most adults need every night.  As well as making you feel tired, lethargic, and irritable, not getting enough sleep can cause lots of nasty illnesses such as; high blood pressure, strokes, and heart disease.

The most likely advice if you have night terrors when you get beyond your teens is that you should see a doctor.  Good luck with that one, because the only real cure for night terrors is to treat the underlying problem(s).  That will mean doing something about the effects of any psychological trauma in your past, and cutting out whatever drug you’re taking too much of late at night ~ including coffee, booze, prescription drugs, street drugs…

There are some very common-sense things you can do if you suffer from night terrors, sleep terror, nightmares, and / or night sweats ~ without resorting to medication and a long period of talking therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy.  None of these are easy, or likely to give you a quick fix, but you should consider;

An episode of night terror can be brought on by worry, stress, emotional tension, fatigue, conflict, and especially too much alcohol late at night, (or more likely a combination of factors, including booze).  How much is too much alcohol?  Actually, too much booze is however many drinks puts your health and well-being at risk.  For me, one drink is one too many.

After suffering night terrors you are likely to be utterly inconsolable, grown women, (and men), may cry, and the event may be so disturbing that your mind will wipe most of it from your memory.  The next morning you won’t be able to remember what terrified you.

In adults, it is most likely that night terrors, sleep terrors, and nightmares have an underlying cause of previous severe stress, trauma, mental and / or physical abuse, and subsequent mental disorders and generalised anxiety.  In fact, the underlying causes of sleep problems can be very similar to the underlying causes of addiction.

Not getting enough good quality sleep is a serious matter.  The consequences are severe, up to and including death.  If you’re suffering from night terrors, sleep terrors, nightmares, night sweats, then you really do need to take action right away.  Start with the tips I’ve given above, but if you have to, go and see your doctor.

~

jack collier

jack collier7@talktalk.net

prisoner of insanity writes

~

captive in a locked mind

camera behind locked doors

the empty vodka bottle is unkind

imagination’s running distant shores

inhabited in gloom and blackness defined

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Is Using Marijuana Stupid?

Marijuana is addictive.  Marijuana eases pain.

Among all the alternative truths, fake news, denial, and propaganda aimed at the legalisation of cannabis / pot / marijuana are a couple of recent reports by ‘real scientists and doctors’ which clearly show that marijuana is quite likely to ruin your health, destroy your quality of life, and quite possibly kill you.

The first report compiled by the National Inpatient Study in the USA shows that marijuana use significantly increases your risk of suffering a stroke and / or heart failure, as well as exacerbating some other factors known to increase significantly cardiovascular disease including; obesity, alcoholism, high blood pressure, and smoking tobacco.

Meanwhile, a report by the Institute of Living in Connecticut, clearly shows that marijuana use makes young people stupid ~ especially when combined with booze.  Of the people I know who use marijuana, ALL of them are also heavy drinkers, bordering on alcoholism.  Honestly, I do not ever want to be around anyone who uses this stupid drug for recreational reasons.

Also in the USA, Narconon states that marijuana use significantly increases the risk of road traffic accidents, accidents in the home and workplace, psychosis, and schizophrenia.  In fact, the chances are than anyone you know who suffers from schizophrenia has been a heavy user of marijuana at some time in their lives.

It’s well know that marijuana makes people have mental time and space distortions, poor coordination, impaired communication skills, difficulty in thinking and problem solving, and terrible cognitive skills.  The effects of the drug can last up to four weeks, so anyone who has used marijuana in the last four weeks shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the need to make important decisions.  Anyone who has made an important decision within four weeks of using cannabis should seriously think again.

Despite what the proponents of marijuana use might say, marijuana is addictive.  One in 11 people who smoke cannabis will become addicted, rising to one in six if marijuana use starts in adolescence.  However, addiction is a complex problem, with multiple addictions being the most common way that lives are destroyed.  Any regular user of marijuana probably also drinks, smokes tobacco, gambles, binge eats, and is most likely addicted to all of those life-destroying habits and more.  There is a strong chance that anyone with multiple addictions / an addictive personality, is also suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, and should seek immediate medical treatment.  (This is unlikely because most who are addicted, or suffer from borderline personality disorder, will be in the last stages of denial.)

Other downsides of cannabis use; it stinks worse than tobacco, causes lung cancer and other cancers just like tobacco, can cost you a fortune, and used anywhere that it’s illegal or against workplace regulations can land you in serious  trouble.  Using marijuana isn’t cool in any way, shape, or form, because it makes you talk and act like a deranged fool.

However, in the USA this addictive drug is now legal for recreational use in; Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon, Washington, and Washington DC ~ mostly left-leaning Democrat states.  Cannabis is still illegal in Great Britain, but the police take so little notice that you’d have to be growing and selling the stuff in industrial quantities to get into any trouble from the law.  Urban left-leaning liberals are very keen to have pot legalised in the United Kingdom ~  the fools.

There is some strong evidence that the medicinal use of marijuana can alleviate the symptoms of some very nasty diseases, mostly reducing nausea and pain, but the medical effects have not been properly tested in the way that a new, mainstream drug would be tested before being allowed anywhere near patients.

Using marijuana is incredibly stupid.  Personally, I think you would have to be seriously loose of a few screws in the brain to go anywhere near this noxious weed.  Personally, I have enough problems without ever going anywhere near cannabis or a cannabis user.  Unless I was in severe pain, and the weed was the only way I could get through the day.

Have fun, smoke cannabis, and cure or kill yourself.  Have a nice day.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Ash Wednesday

moderation, moral courage, self-denial, self-discipline

Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent and comes 46 days before Easter.  Since Easter itself is a movable feast, Ash Wednesday can happen on any Wednesday from February 4th to March 10th.  Ash Wednesday is really a Pagan festival, having only been adopted by the Christian Church in 325 AD by Constantine the Great.  (Although almost all Christians will deny it, most, if not all Christian Festivals are built on the back of festivals from other and older religions, civilisations, and cultures.)

sping-goddessLent and Easter is a long festival of Spring ~ in fact the modern English words Lent and Lenten derive from the Old English word Lencten, which means Spring.  As it happens, even the English word Easter derives from the Goddess Oestar / Ostara / Éostre, the Pagan Goddess of Spring, (one of them).

stonehenge1Which begs a couple of questions.  Firstly, when does spring begin?  Conventionally, in the Northern Hemisphere, in England in particular, Spring starts at the vernal equinox, or on the night of March 20th / 21st.  Stonehenge and similar ancient monuments were set up to predict and confirm these astronomical events.  And secondly, what does Lent have to do with Spring?  And I believe the answer to that is in ancient times the end of winter, coming up to Springtime at the vernal equinox, was a time of hunger, starvation, and hard work preparing the land for spring planting.  Ergo, in ancient times people would fast during what is modern Lent, not out of choice, but of absolute necessity.

The deeper one goes into the rituals, superstitions, and deities of these old cultures the more connected to the seasons everything seems to be.  Persephone, the beautiful Greek Goddess of Spring, (Roman Proserpina), was also the Goddess of Death and the Underworld.  That makes perfect sense because the end of winter, when the food was running out and the weather was bad, would be when the old, young, and infirm were  very likely to die.

spring

So, Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, the time leading up to Spring, makes perfect sense when looked at from the point of view of our ancestors.  It’s not really time for a festival, carnival, or feasting ~ it’s more a time of self-denial and self-discipline.

It all makes sense in terms of the Four Noble Truths of the Buddha too.  The end of winter is a time of pain and suffering.  Indulging our wants, desires, and lusts just makes everything worse.  The road to freedom from suffering is through self-discipline in body, mind, and spirit.  The way to get through those hard days at the end of winter would have been through self-discipline in body, mind, and spirit.

So starting today, what am I giving up for the 46 days of Lent?  It’s going to be something difficult.  Starting today I will not take impulsive and negative actions when I have negative thoughts and feelings like; anger, jealousy, insecurity, anxiety, or fears of abandonment ~ all those old symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.  I know that I will have those negative feelings, I just won’t let them get to me.

Maybe I should have decided to give up chocolate instead ~ I’ve already given up booze.

Maybe I’ll just lock myself in the garret for Lent.

~

wiccan moonjack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

insecurity and fear of abandonment

unease, self-doubt, nervousness, panic, desertion, neglect…

From time to time I suffer from deep emotional insecurity and feelings of abandonment, or rather a fear of abandonment.  Perhaps most people have these painful fears ~ perhaps some suffer more, and more often than me.  I know that my agitation and gloomy emotions stem from the painful loss of my maternal grandmother when I was but a very young boy.  An event that left me with a psychological illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, which has at its core a chronic fear of abandonment.

Lost WeekendSince I became aware that I actually had this problem, I’ve been able to cope with the symptoms pretty well, and I’ve been improving all the time.  Mostly I don’t fear abandonment, betrayal, and rejection any more.  Mostly I don’t have what were my other terrible symptoms, which included alcohol abuse, impulsive behaviours, and stupid jealousy.

However, yesterday I was in a terrible slough of despond ~ the putrid end of the swamp where the very air stinks and there seems to be no hope of escape or resurrection.  It’s a terrible place to be.  People who suffer badly from these feelings and evil emotions have been known to do very stupid things ~ up to and including thinking of suicide, or even attempting suicide

Sunrise1I guess I am a lucky man today, because I have learned how to deal with my feelings in a better and more appropriate way than I ever could before.  Not only that, I know exactly why I found myself in this bad emotional state yesterday.  Knowing why one feels bad is half the battle.  I now know that it’s always darkest just before the dawn, but the dawn will come, all I need to do is have faith and hold on.  Now I have a strong faith in my guiding light, my muse, and my Goddess.

A little while ago I sprained my wrist, which actually hurt like hell.  And, for some unknown reason, when I woke up yesterday morning it hurt even worse that it did when I first sprained it.  My whole arm hurt so bad I felt physically sick.  You can trust me on this one ~ when you’re in physical pain, and you feel ill to the point of needing to throw up, it’s very difficult to maintain a positive mental attitude.  No wonder I felt a terrible insecurity, loneliness, and fear of abandonment.

Luckily I knew that what I needed to do was have the physical problem treated, and the emotional problems would also go away.  Actually, just knowing that the underlying cause of my distress was physically real and affecting my body, meant that the deep feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment subsided pretty quickly.

Many people aren’t so fortunate as me, but they should know that there are ways of dealing with insecurity, anger, and jealousy ~ there are techniques for dealing with fear of abandonment, and there are treatments for borderline personality disorder.  We don’t have to suffer, unless we want to, and that’s a perverse thing to want.

Have confidence, this is a good life, all we need to do is want it enough.

~

P1040490jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder

There Is A Sunlit Garden Just Ahead.

P1030721For almost as long as I can remember, and I can remember a long, long way back, I have felt odd, weird, strange, different, unhappy.  I used to suffer from extreme mood swings, I had a morbid fear of abandonment, every relationship I’d ever had was dysfunctional, I would isolate myself for long periods, and I could do strange and ‘dangerous’ things on just a whim.  Not to mention that I took to relieving the anxiety and stress I suffered from by self-medicating with too much booze.

In short, I had just about every symptom there is of a quite serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder.  Of course, I didn’t know I had BPD, well mostly you don’t, why would you?  How can you self-diagnose BPD, when you haven’t even heard of it?  Anyway, I thought perhaps I was bipolar ~ I wasn’t.

My awareness came because I want to see a counsellor about my alcohol problem.  Over several months Sue got to know me quite well.  She didn’t say that I had Borderline Personality Disorder, she mentioned a book to me, a book called I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, which just about summed up the way I used to feel about every woman I’d ever had a relationship with.

I was prompted to take on-line tests for Borderline Personality Disorder to see if there was a real likelihood that I was suffering from this horrible psychological illness.  Each and every time I came out at the red end of the scale.  I fully accepted and embraced these results.  This was the beginning of my recovery.  When I knew and fully accepted what was wrong with me I could start to heal myself ~ with the help of others.

My problem probably started at birth, (many psychological problems seem to start at birth).  I was small, premature, separated from my mother, and placed in an incubator for many days, (so I’m told).  I never, ever bonded with mt mother.  I did bond with my maternal grandmother, and never understood or got over her death when I was about four-and-three-quarters years old.

A major part of my recovery was recognising these early trauma.  Eventually,  I wrote a letter to myself, aged four-and-three-quarters, and that was a very traumatic and very healing process.

Being very honest and open with my counsellor, my doctor, and a trusted friend helped me enormously.  My doctor even arranged for me to see a psychiatrist, a specialist in BPD.  After three long and gruelling assessments this guy said that I had been suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, but that I had mostly cured myself.  Well, thanks very much for that vote of confidence.  (A little English irony there.)

How did I manage this remarkable recovery?

  1. I fully accepted that I had a problem, and that it was most likely Borderline Personality Disorder.
  2. I fully accepted that booze wasn’t helping, and I stopped drinking, got sober, and became completely abstinent from alcohol.
  3. I fully embraced honesty in all my dealings, being determined to always tell the whole truth to myself and to others, (when I needed to tell others anything at all that is, which isn’t all the time).
  4. I did not take any mood altering drugs, neither prescription drugs nor street drugs.  Obviously my doctors offered me everything, starting with Prozac.
  5. I got physically fit.  (Mens sano in corpore sano.  ~  Juvenal)
  6. I continued with formal counselling, from professional therapists, and with informal counselling from a trusted and knowledgeable friend.
  7. I embraced self-help techniques from getting lots of fresh air, to meditation, to reading appropriate inspirational books.  (I did not use inspirational videos, or group therapy, and I never will.)
  8. I became completely willing to recover from the debilitating, life ruining, destructive symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.
  9. I looked at my past in an honest, open, and dispassionate way.  I learned from my past, but I did not go back there, and I didn’t let it hurt me again.
  10. I learned to to completely accept, understand, care for, cherish, and love other people ~ no matter what.

segovia-castleAnd things got better.  My life got much better, my relationships with others improved.  I was sleeping well.  I felt fit, strong, and healthy in body, mind, and spirit.  And I felt empty inside.  I felt imprisoned in the dark and forbidding fortress of my own mind.  All was not well, and even though a psychiatrist and professional counsellors were telling me that I had made a remarkable recovery, changing my whole life and attitudes around, I felt unfulfilled and empty inside.

It seems that what I needed was an awakening of spirit, an epiphany, an understanding of life’s ultimate questions as they applied to me.  Then, and strangely, out of nowhere, I had a spiritual awakening.  Suddenly I was filled with genuine self-belief and a vision of the future for me.

I will not tell you how it happened, or exactly what happened, or why I am now a completely different and much better man than I could ever have hoped to become.  You need to find your own spiritual awakening, and I strongly believe that each man and woman’s connection with ultimate reality will be different, personal, powerful, special, and moving.

I can tell you that I now understand The Divine Mother, my place in the Cosmos, and how to completely love and accept other people.

Alcoholics Anonymous, and other proponents of 12 step recovery programmes probably have it right.  The first step to recovery is fully accepting that you have a problem

Step 1.  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.  ~ Alcoholics Anonymous

I substituted  ‘feelings’ for the word ‘alcohol’ because that was the problem making my life a complete Hell, and I had the first step on the long road to recovery.

I admitted I was powerless over my feelings ~ that my life had become unmanageable.

There is a road to recovery, and it begins with admitting we are ill.

~

P1030116these opinions are mine and mine alone

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

BPD & OCD

Borderline Personality Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

For a while I’ve known that I suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder.  I had more than enough of the critical symptoms to convince me of that.  My emotions have always been powerful and quick to change.  I have always had an unnatural fear of abandonment.  I am prone to very risky actions based on the thinnest possible evidence.  I have, from time to time, totally abused alcohol.

The first thing that really convinced me I had BPD was that I took several of the on-line self- tests for male BPD.  Every single time my score was right at the red end of the scale.

The real clincher was that I was assessed by a proper psychiatrist, who agreed that I had BPD, but that I’d mostly cured myself of it.  Thanks for that.

What never entered my mind until today is the very, very, strong link existing between Borderline Personality Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Well, now I’m totally convinced that I have at least a little bit of an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

dscf0008As some do, I was thouroughly cleaning my apartment, (which I call the garret), and that meant moving all the furniture and stuff.  When the time came to put everything back I just couldn’t seem to get things back into their proper places, and before I knew where I was I had the tape measures, ruler, and tri-square out and was measuring and lining up to the eighth of an inch.

Weird.

Who measures the positions of their furniture and rugs?  It seems I do.  Worse than that, I also had to have my coffee table book at exactly 45 degrees ~ to make it look sufficiently randomly placed.

As I said, weird.  No worries.  I’ve taken plenty of photographs, so it should be a lot easier next time.

~

bookjack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

2017 Resolutions

P1050015
The Four Great Truths I will follow in 2017;
  1. Accept that Life is difficult and painful.
  2. The underlying causes of my problems and pain are giving in to my own cravings, lusts, desires, and my blaming of others.
  3. I can’t change what happens to me, but I can change how I react.
  4. The path to freedom from suffering is through self-discipline in body, mind, and spirit.

These are not the ‘normal’ kind of New Year’s Resolutions, but I believe they will work for me in 2017.  My spirit can be free to fly through blue skies.

~

p1050118jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Happy Holidays

The End Of 2016 Has Not Been A Good Time For Me.

I am sorry to report that my Christmas and New Year holidays did not go well.

Dark, dismal, depressing, lonely and melancholy.

Let us all hope and pray that 2017 will be a much better year.

Happy New Year to One and All.

WAF Landscape Christmas Cards.qxdjack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

You Are Not A Prisoner Of Time

Time Is An Illusion. ~ Albert Einstein

DSCF0037Time is not a universal constant.

Time passes at different rates and in different ways depending upon who we are, where we are, what we are, why we are counting time, and how we measure time.  There is no such thing as an absolute past.  There are probably an infinite number of futures for us to choose from.  The present isn’t just now, the present also encompasses the past and the future.  My perception of time and my reality is different from yours.  Most importantly, we are not trapped by time, we can choose to use and take advantage of time as we will.

Time is not constant and one minute is not the same length as another.  ~  Jeanette Winterson

Subjectively we know that time passes at different rates depending upon circumstances.  If you’re stuck in an airport departure lounge waiting for your much delayed flight, then time passes painfully slowly ~ the minutes seem like hours and the hours crawl by like a wounded fly.  Conversely, if you’re getting ready for a really hot dinner date, then the hours fly by, and there’s just no way you’re going to be ready on time.

Scientifically, time also passes at different rates depending upon how fast you’re moving, and how much gravity there is where you are.  In the world of quantum mechanics time may, or may not, exist at all.

We choose to examine a phenomenon which is impossible to explain in any classical way, and which has in it the heart of quantum mechanics.  In reality it contains the only mystery.  ~  Richard Feynman.

The present, your ‘now’, isn’t only the present.  This instant of ‘now’ also includes the past and the future, and both the past and the future can and will change in a way that’s dependent upon now.  Once you accept that time is not an immutable constant you have the ability to change your future, your present, and your past.  Changing your own past is called retrocausality.

Everything, and I mean every moment of joy, happiness, sadness, trauma, learning, experiencing, dreaming and imagining, everything that has ever happened to you, and everything that you have ever done is present in the now.  Mostly we just aren’t consciously aware that the past is with us in the here and now.  But, without your past you wouldn’t be able to walk, talk, drive, hold down a job, or maintain a loving relationship.  The downside of this is that all the bad things about us were created in the past.  All the anger, attitudes, insecurities, jealousies, phobias, and mental illnesses are from the past.  But, you do not have to be a prisoner of your past, you have the ability to change the past.

The future is also with us in the present.  Everything you do is dictated by the future.  You most likely will go to work on Monday, and that’s dictated by things that will happen much further in the future than Monday.  If you don’t go to work, then somewhere in the future you may lose your job, and then your home, because you can’t pay the rent / mortgage / local taxes.  If you knew for certain that the Second Coming of Christ was going to happen this Christmas, then most likely you wouldn’t go to work on Monday.  The future changes and creates the present, and the present changes the future.  The more brave choices you make in the present the greater number of possible futures you have to choose from.

We can choose from our possible futures, but most people are very bad at making brave choices.  Almost everyone will do tomorrow what they did yesterday, with exactly the same people in exactly the same places.  Those people have made the choice to make no choices at all, and the more they do that the fewer possible futures they have to choose from.  If nothing changes then nothing changes.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  ~  Albert Einstein

We can choose to change our past.  After all, the past is only what we remember and how we interpret those memories.  If you had an abusive childhood, then in all likelihood it will have blighted your whole life, right up to the here and now.  Trauma in your childhood could have left you with Alcoholism, Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or any of a number of other psychological problems.

You can change all that and have a good life now by reinterpreting the past ~ after all the past is only memories.  I can’t tell you how to do that, you may need counselling or psychotherapy.  However, I can tell you that I stopped the past from blighting my present by unconditionally accepting who I am, and acceptance created a whole raft of new futures for me to choose from.  Today I am enjoying enlightenment and empowerment because I changed the past in my present.  Today I have more futures to choose from because I changed the subjective past.

You can change your own past, your present, and your future.  All you need to do is to have the willingness to change.

please listen responsibly

~

WAF Landscape Christmas Cards.qxdthese opinions are mine and mine alone

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

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