Tag Archives: Borderline Personality Disorder

The Snake In My Head

you cannot fix something if you don’t know it’s broken

Each and every one of us is programmed ~ what we think, what we believe, how we behave, what we like and what we dislike are automatic responses, programmed reactions and actions buried deep in our subconscious.  Our conscious minds only govern what we do about 10% of the time, and most of the time what our conscious minds do, think, and feel is based on all that stuff way down in our unconsciousness.  So, if you are scared of snakes, it isn’t a conscious thing, it’s actually a primeval race-memory so far down in your subconscious you don’t even know it’s there until the first time you come across a serpent.

If you have problems in your life, if you can’t handle certain situations, if you keep lurching from one disastrous relationship to another, then you are not consciously doing that on purpose.  A string of dysfunctional relationships in your past, and the likelihood that you will repeat the same mistakes over and over again in the future, means that there is something dysfunctional with the tapes in your unconscious mind.

The scary thing is that all that programming, all of your beliefs, behaviors, and opinions were put there before you were seven years old.  The adults in your life; your parents, your wider family, older siblings, teachers impressed their thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, habits, and prejudices upon your unformed mind while you were still a child.  And there was nothing whatsoever you could do about it.  Ergo, if you are a borderline alcoholic, drug addict, a heavy smoker, or obese ~ it’s not all your own fault.  If you’re promiscuous, dishonest, and continually finding yourself in toxic relationships, then that’s not completely your fault either.  It’s because you were taught all those things when you didn’t know any better.

Before I was five years old I was taught that women are lying bitches, and that men who have anything to do with women are bad.  I was taught that sex is nasty, dirty, and wrong.  I was taught that love is meaningless, that interpersonal relationships are always toxic, and that sex outside of marriage is a sin that will send me to hell.  I know who did that to me.

It took me right up until a few days ago to realise this, to truly know what was broken in me.  Right up until a few days ago my life was dysfunctional, I was unable to have a stable relationship, I couldn’t ever be truly open, honest, trusting, or loving.  My life was toxic.  I drank to much to escape the way I always acted and reacted.

If that is anything like you, then look deep within to find out what is broken in you.  Then, when you know what’s broken you might have some chance of fixing it.  Be like me and kill the snake in your mind.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

it wasn’t all her own fault that Red Riding Hood liked wolves just a little too much

Random Jottings ~ Insanity

insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result

~

‘you’ve got to be insane if you think I like abandoned railway yards’ she said

he could tell she wasn’t best pleased with their day out

~

he was happy because he didn’t know what the hell was going on

~

nothing is foolproof for a sufficiently talented fool

~

he didn’t suffer from insanity, he was very happy being crazy

~

he knew it was a win-win situation

she won and he didn’t

~

‘FUN!’ she said, ‘this isn’t FUN!’

‘what’s next on your agenda, the creepy crawlies of the fucking snakes?’

he could tell she didn’t really like the outdoors life

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

‘just lock me up and throw away the key,’ he said

and so that’s what she did

Rock Bottom

hitting rock bottom doesn’t mean I have to stay there

Everyone’s rock bottom is different.  Things could be worse for me; I still have a roof over my head, I still have money in the bank, and I haven’t hurt myself.  I’m haven’t been on the street drinking, and I haven’t been arrested.

My rock bottom is life-threatening sickness in body, mind, emotions, and spirit.  I feel so ill that I don’t want to eat and I can’t sleep.  I’ve been sipping a little weak beer to stave off the symptoms of acute alcoholic withdrawal, and because it helps ameriolate the worst symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. (a couple of cans a day)

I’m so emotionally distressed and depressed that I’ve been wondering if it’s worth going on at all.

And yet, some very kind people care about me, and my ending it all would be very unfair to them.

So, I need to pick myself up from this self-inflicted hell, take the time and do the right things to recover ~ writing this blog helps.

There are some kind people I care about very much, and I send them all my love.

~

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

I need to find a new and better road

In The Bleak Mid-Winter

my life is bleak, unhappiness is mine

Through no fault but my own the one good thing I had in my life is destroyed.

I am in the bleak mid-winter of sorrow today.

Please listen responsibly.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Bleak Mid-Winter in New Mexico

Everything is Important

rejoice in small things and they will continue to grow

Every little thing that we do is important.  Everything we say, every feeling we have, everything that happens to us is important ~ even though we may not realise just how important small things are until much later.  This is because nothing happens in isolation, and huge events always begin with something small.

Just as a vast avalanche may begin with a tiny pebble rolling down a hill, hugely important events in our lives may begin with just a word, or a glance, or a decision just to say yes, or no.

Also there is the holistic theory of the interconnectedness of all things.  Everything in the Cosmos has an effect on everything else, everything on Earth has an effect on everything else on the Earth, everyone we know has an effect on us and everyone else they know.  Everything our significant other says, does, thinks, and feels has a huge effect on us and everyone we know.  All things are interconnected.

All disasters and tragedies happen as a result of a series of interconnected events.  For example most know that the sinking of the Titanic on 15th of April 1912 came about because the ship hit an iceberg, but that was only the proximate cause of the disaster.  The reason so many died in the tragedy is the result of a series of interconnected events going right back to when the ship was designed and built.  Some reasons the sinking of the Titanic killed 1,517 passengers and crew are; poor lifeboat drill aboard, not enough lifeboats and lifejackets, the ship was travelling too fast and too far north for the time of year, not enough lookouts, the lookouts had no binoculars, the Titanic’s radio operators did not give all the ice warnings to the bridge, the wrong avoiding action was took by the Titanic, the nearest ship to the disaster, (SS Californian), did not come to the aid of the Titanic…..  and the less than perfect construction of the ship herself.  (Only 703 souls survived.)

Similarly I have been suffering with very poor mental health over the last few weeks, the proximate cause of which is I have Borderline Personality Disorder, but that’s far from the whole story.  Christmas has never been a good time of year for me, my closest friends aren’t going to see me over the holidays, I have insomnia, I have been neglecting my physical health, I’ve developed some bad personal habits, I picked up a bad cold / the flu…..  So it’s not as simple as all that.  Everything is important and, and everything is interconnected.

Some say that some things are just not important.  And that it’s difficult to be fit and look smart when mentally, emotionally, and spiritually you feel like shit.  All I know is mens sana in corpore sano ~ a healthy mind in a healthy body.

~

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

it would be nice to have multiple personalities

one of them might be happy one day

Stressed and Distressed

I feel as bad today as I have on any day of my life.

About 3 years ago I had double pneumonia, pleuresy, and 5 broken ribs.

A few years before that my business went bust because my partner was stealing all the capital I put into it.

Before that I quit / lost my highly paid job in banking, and at about the  same time I got divorced.

A sorry tale, but today I feel as bad or worse as a I have ever felt in my life.

I suffer from life-threatening mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, and the myriad symptoms are making me feel stressed, distressed, and depressed.  Add that to the flu I had this week and my life is hardly worth living.

As I said, today, in fact all of this week, I feel the worst I have ever felt in my life.

~

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

This is how I feel today.

Recovery from Addiction

I understood myself only after I destroyed myself.

It used to be thought by many doctors, and those in 12-step recovery programs, that addiction was a disease in its own right.  Conversely many people believed that alcoholism, drug abuse, compulsive gambling, and other addictions were due to personal weakness.  That it was all down to the search for instant self-gratification, and that addicts were just unwilling to stop ~ or perhaps unable to stop drinking, using, gambling…..

However, medical science no longer believes that pleasure-seeking alone drives addicts into their own personal hell.  Doctors and scientists now think that most engage in addictive behaviour not so much to attain euphoria as to escape physical, emotional, and spiritual pain and distress.

This is certainly true in my own case.  From time to time I drink far too much, not because I like booze or it makes me feel good.  I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is characterised by extreme emotions, and from time to time negative feelings such as anger, jealousy, paranoia, anxiety, and suicidal depression cause me so much physical, emotional, and spiritual pain that I escape into alcohol.  And you know what?  Drinking doesn’t really work.

In the USA 15.7 million people seriously abuse alcohol, and 2.6 million of those also suffer from a drug abuse disorder.  In all some 7.7 million people in all use illicit drugs in the USA, and / or abuse prescription drugs.  About 8% of the total population of the USA have a substance abuse problem.  Many of these have multiple addictions ~ gambling, excessive use of pornography, and promiscuity also ruin lives.    Doctors also believe that the type of addiction doesn’t matter at all; whether it be alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, whatever…..  all addictions are the same, addicts are people who try to escape physical, emotional, and spiritual distress.

Some 47,000 people a year die directly from an overdose of opiod drugs, and alcohol claims the lives of some 90,000 people a year.  I know what that feels like, people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder have a 10% likelihood of committing suicide, which is over 1,000 times more than in the general population.

Some days I can barely breathe, I can’t eat and I can’t sleep.  Some days I blame others for my pain and problems.  Some days I am barely hanging on.  And, some days life is pretty good.

The good news is that there are a number of effective treatments for addiction; including self-help strategies, psychotherapy, rehabilitation programs, and in some cases medication.  (As it goes medication doesn’t work, and is actually dangerous for anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder.)  But, I can protect myself from addiction by having meaningful and mindful interests in my life, together with supportive friendships.  My problems and pain are very transient.  And life isn’t always supposed to be fun and filled with pleasure, into every life a little rain must fall.  Shit Happens

Some say that addiction only affects weak and pathetic people.  And that there is no chance of recovery from any addiction.  All I know is that I have many more good days than the bad days on which I hit the bottle.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

recovery doesn’t work for those who need it

recovery works for those who want it

Stay Healthy

rock bottom will be the solid foundation on which I can remake my life

Over the past couple of weeks I have struggled to cope with the Borderline Personality Disorder I suffer from.  I have been planning on focusing on my health after the Christmas holidays.  Well, don’t hold your breath.  Unless I can get much better pretty quickly I might be a basket case by the time 2020 rolls around.

If you have health, you probably will be happy, and if you have health and happiness, you have all the wealth you need, even if it’s not all you want.  ~  Elbert Hubbard

I need to get some kind of recovery by avoiding booze, excessive stress, uncontrollable emotions, depression and anxiety, jealousy, and vicious mood swings.  Probably I need to avoid thoughts and situations that emotionally drain me.  I need to put my emotional health right at the top of my list.

I need to try to maintain my spiritual health by finding meaning and mindfulness in every thing I do.  Avoiding activities that I find meaningless or stressful.  Spiritual ill health weakens me physically and emotionally, and it’s easy to get sick if I am weak in mind and body.

Driving myself into the ground, finding yet another rock bottom serves no one.  It decreases my chances of living a long and healthy life.  Do I really want to sacrifice my health because of people, places, things, thought, and emotions?

My health needs to be positively maintained at all times.  I really need to commit to looking after my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health for the remainder of my life.

Perhaps I could try being happy for a change.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

having multiple personalities might be cool

one of them could be happy

Screwed-up

The ideal day never comes. Today is ideal for him who makes it so.

This is what the inside of my mind looks like.

I’ve not been well, although am much better today, with much to get through.  I’m hoping you are all well, and going to have a good day.

I’ve been very critical of myself, because I didn’t meet my own expectations.  Based on my own black and white thinking, my own standards of perfection, I will never have an ideal day.  Perhaps there is no such thing as a perfect day.  Each day happens just the way it’s supposed to, with its imperfections as well as its achievements.  If I have a terrible day, it’s only because I believed it was going to be a lousy day. By the same token, if I have a good day, it was because I believed it was going to be a good day, and not because the sun was shining, or we had a good conversation ~ (although that helps).

Every day is different.  Some days may be enjoyable, while others may be difficult to get through.  Instead of being judgemental, I can see each day as a mindful experience.  What I learn from the day, as well as my attitude about it, is my daily lesson.I have been having some very difficult days to get through. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  My expectations have been all wrong, and my attitude has been bad.  My mind is a complete mess.

I have screwed up in a very big way, let down my family and friends, and let down myself.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Borderline Personality Disorder is a very serious illness.

I have it, although I am recovering.

 

The Tears I Cry

every day is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again

Yesterday I fouled up again.  I wrote a post called It’s Too Bad That Love Is Blind, which was both a bit negative and quite misogynistic, and that is not the way I generally feel about the world these days.  I guess I was having a bad time yesterday.  You may already be aware that I have some very bad interludes in my quest to be a very cool guy living a really great life.

For years I suffered from an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) ~ which really fucks up your life.  Now I have had a proper diagnosis, but have still had no treatment for this malady.  To a large extent that’s OK, I can walk a long way down the road to recovery using self-directed therapy, which actually means buggering-on and doing the best I can to do things that will help me to get better.  With the help of two very close friends I am much, much healthier in body, mind, and spirit than I used to be.

And wouldn’t you know that both of those very close friends are very remarkable women.

I quite firmly believe that without their help I wouldn’t be here today.  Some 10% of suffers of BPD commit suicide, (which is about 1,000 times more than in the average population), but far more succumb to accidents, alcohol and drug abuse, and general ill health caused by a poor diet and bad personal care.  A couple of years or so ago, before I was on the road to recovery, I managed to contract pleurisy, double pneumonia, and somewhere in there I also broke 5 ribs, (and I have no idea how that happened).  I believe I would have died without the help of those remarkable women.

One of the symptoms of BPD is extreme and rapid mood swings, and in my case my emotions veer between happiness and anger, (poor labels but they’re the best I have).  The extreme and uncontrollable emotions I suffer today are nowhere near as extreme and uncontrollable as they used to be, and the negative episodes are fewer and father between.  Yet, sometimes there are days I am so angry I could cry, for no good reason whatsoever.  I guess yesterday was one of those days.

The tears I cry are just as wet and painful as anyone else’s, and the emotions I feel are real.  However, these feelings occur for no good reason except that somewhere in my childhood Borderline Personality Disorder was hard-wired into my mind.

Some say that crying is cathartic.  And that there is nothing wrong with a grown man shedding a few tears.  All I know is that almost unbearable mental anguish will have my crying tears of frustration.  I also know that tomorrow will be a new day.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

after all, tomorrow is another day

 

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