Tag Archives: Borderline Personality Disorder

Perfection Is An Illusion

It never rains in Southern California.

Last night it rained here in Orange County.  It rained hard, it rained for a long time, and it was decidedly chilly; which is a change from the perfect weather I’ve come to expect here.  In SoCal I have come to expect perfectly blue skies and perfectly warm sandy beaches.  But then, nothing is ever truly perfect,  not even you or I, and it is our own imperfections that make us who we are.

Each person is unique, and each of us bears the scars of our past, suffers the stresses of the present, has hopes and fears for all possible futures.  Each of is a kaleidoscope of conflicting thoughts, emotions, and character traits.  All of us has character defects and personality problems to one degree or another.

Each of us has been hurt, suffered, tried and failed, and had Pyrric victories.  Each of brings into the present physical, mental, psychological, emotional, and spiritual wounds from the past.  Right now all of us has difficulties to overcome or tolerate.  We may have emotional, financial, medical, relationship, or spiritual problems; or all of those and more.

But then, we are not perfect.

There is no cure for imperfection.  There is no mileage in blaming others for our pain, problems, and thwarted desires.  And, yet we do blame our partners, lovers, ‘friends’, employers, the government….. for our own imperfections.  We become angry, depressed, frustrated,  impulsive, jealous, judgmental, and sometimes dangerous.  We criticise and blame.

Why do you look at the mote in your brother’s eye, and pay no attention to the beam in your own eye?  –  Matthew 7.5

Some say that Life is difficult and painful.  And that it is only through suffering that we can ever hope to achieve enlightenment.  All I know is that it has been my own wants, lusts and desire for instant gratification that has caused my problems and pain.

The way to freedom from suffering and pain is through self-control in body mind and spirit.  Striving for perfection is to chase a wraith… an illusion.  Better to strive to grow, to develop and evolve, to be a ‘better’ person today than we were through all of our yesterday’s.  Better yet to walk the warrior’s path with grace, honour, honesty, and openness towards an enlightened future.

I strive each day to be more accepting, less judgmental, more honest and open, kinder and more understanding than I was in the past.  I try each day to be fitter and healthier in body, mind, and spirit.

But then, I am not perfect.


jack collier



if I am not careful I can become Mr. Hyde


Fear and Trepidation

Earlier this year I had the deepest fear of being alone in the garret over this Festive Holiday Season ~ that I would be filled with introspective dark and negative thoughts and feelings of self-loathing, pointlessness, depression, anxiety, and abandonment.  Well I am alone in the garret, but it’s not turning out like that at all.  I feel damn good, and while there is introspection, it’s neither dark nor negative.  On the contrary I feel positive and empowered.  I have faced and understood my fears ~ most of which came from my early childhood anyway.  My fears cannot overrun me now.

The deep introspection is there, along with much self-awareness and self-study.  Monday December 11th, while possibly being the most psychologically painful day of my life, was also a cathartic epiphany for me.  There are new beginnings turning to a new direction.  I believe these new beginnings are a spiritual regeneration for my soul.  I am aware that my personality is expanding, turning towards goodness, emotional stability, self-awareness, self-confidence, and well-being.  With the help of the Dreambook and Planner I am learning who I am, and discovering who I can become.  I am beginning to understand the lessons given to me, and through that I am becoming the master of my own life.

It is a new dawn for me.

jack collier

the grim, the bad, and the unholy

Wisdom cures so many things, except loves lost forever.

adulteress betrayal cuckold dreaming

erotic flirtatious gratuitous harlot

infidelities juicy kissable lusting

men naughty occult provoking

qualmless rape scary tart

unholy vixen witch




jack collier



the converse of this post will appear soon



Rhythms of Insanity

Don’t be ashamed of your story ~ it will inspire others.

When nothing is ventured, nothing is gained, so what’s the sense of running away from your own life.  The good things just don’t fall out of the sky, they have to be worked for.  But we have to do the right things, at the right time, in the right place, with the right people.  Trying to force the best that Life has to offer doesn’t ever work ~ we have to work with the rhythms of the Cosmos, and not against the flow of the tides.

The great rhythms of nature, today so dully disregarded, wounded even, have their spacious and primeval liberty…..  Journeying birds alight here and fly away again all unseen, schools of fish move beneath the waves, the surf flings its spray against the sun.  ~  Henry Beston.

Little did I realise when I was an overpaid and overworked international banker how little I saw of nature.  What I saw were offices, the inside of cars, trains and ‘planes, hotels, airports, other offices, and city streets.  I earned a hell of a lot of money, but money is a false God, and money never made me happy.  Today I can be happy to walk by the sea, to look at the sky, to enjoy the vast curve of a distant horizon, to listen to the murmur of the surf and the mournful cries of the gulls.  Cars, trains, and ‘planes still have their place in my life, but now it’s only a minor element of who I am ~ cities are no longer the be-all and end-all.

Perhaps it is the night of despair where you are, and I am certain that you are not sleeping soundly.  If you are dreaming at all, I hope you are having sweet and pleasant dreams, but I’m certain that you are not.  I am certain your dreams are weird and disturbing, turning into nightmares.  Try and leave those night-terrors behind you for a while.  There are enough nightmares in the real world without us having to suffer them during our sleep.

The world turns, it may be day-time here, night-time where you are, and somewhere the dawn is breaking and the birds are awakening.  The Cosmos is like a giant time-piece, it has a rhythm of its own ~ the Cosmos keeps its own time.  Be aware, just like the rhythms of a friendship and love between two people change and develop, so the Cosmos is a continual state of change.  We need to enjoy the moonlight while we wait for the sunrise.

We are a part of the Cosmos, we are where our physical bodies are, but our spirits are everywhere.  We exist in this time, but we also exist in a myriad of pasts and possible futures.  I want, need, and desire that the future that awaits me is chosen from the best of all possible alternative realities.  I can close my eyes and imagine ideal pasts, presents, and futures, and in all of them I hope I can spend some cool times with people I care for, cherish, and love.

We are made of starstuff.  We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.  ~  Carl Sagan

What have we dreamed and who have we lost?  In my ideal times we are entirely friendly, trusting, honest, open, caring and loving.  You know what?  I don’t think that it’s too much for me to pray to the Goddess to help me to attain my own earthly versions of nirvana.  It may seem strange to you but I pray to the mother goddess, and in her form incarnate; Aphrodite.  I dream of he Goddess Aphrodite, still looking for the place where we belong together.

I am excited about where I can go in time and space, in friendship, love, and sensual pleasure.  The cool things I could possibly do, and the cool places I could visit.  It’s about being able to fly, about having the courage to live life to the fullest, to enjoy every moment of every day.  Someday soon I will build a tiny trailer, and someday after that I will build something much more ambitious, like a school-bus RV, or a tiny home in someplace beautiful, with a wonderful view of the dawn and sunset.

Shit happens all the time, but one has to remember that; as there is no growth without suffering, there can be no pleasure without pain.  There is a reason we were brought to this life, all we have to do is trust and take one small step in time.  Such are my beliefs.

It’s not all sweet and elegant lies.  Shit happens, but Magic happens too.


jack collier



Recovery is possible ~ but first one has to admit that there is a problem.


On Offending People.

I you’re not offending someone, you’re not doing your job.

Yesterday evening I started to write a post for today ~ or rather I began 3 different posts, and scrapped all of them.  All three of those posts would have offended some of the people who follow my blog, and some of my close friends, so I junked all of those questionable posts.

I believe in absolute freedom of expression.  Everyone has a right to be offended.  ~  Taslima Nasrin

If you have followed my blog for any length of time you will know that I don’t shy away from offending some people, but the people I’m happy to offend deserve whatever they get, and more.  I have no problem being offensive to Bankers, Politicians, Government Officials ~ and on Monday of this week I was offensive toward the disgusting sex-pests, perverts, paedophiles, and rapists who work for some ‘Big Charities’ such as Oxfam.

I’m not happy to offend the innocent who just happen to do, (or have done), some things I profoundly disagree with. That would be cruel, hurtful,  hypocritical, mendacious, and vicious of me.

I try to practice ‘mindfulness’ every time I encounter a stressful feeling or negative emotion, of I am challenged by my own anger.  Mindfulness grounds me in the present and stops me obsessing about the past.  I can look at my feelings as though I am an uninvolved observer, rather than being at the centre of the maelstrom. That way I can act and react in a balanced and thoughtful way.

So, instead of what I intended to write about, which in each of the three cases would have been stressful, challenging, negative, and emotive ~ I’m going to tell you how I came to the decision that writing about this stuff would have been a bad idea.

These days I try to live a kind, mindful, self-aware, and spiritual existence ~ bringing inner peace and happiness to myself and those around me.  Offending innocent people for no good reason than my own instant gratification is not living an ethical and spiritual existence.

I try to be accepting, understanding, and supportive to those around me.  I do my best to live a mindful life.  I work very hard at walking the warrior’s path to ultimate truth and inner peace.  I profoundly believe  that as I give to the world, so I shall receive in return.

Ergo, publishing a blog which I knew would upset and hurt some people, which would make them think that I was actually attacking them, was not who I am trying to be today.  In any event, I am not perfect within myself.

When you are offended at any person’s fault, turn to yourself and study our own failings.  Then you will forget your anger.  ~  Epictetus

I want to make good changes in my relationships, my behaviours, habits, and routines ~ attacking someone, or a group of people, is neither good nor positive.  So, I decided that I just wasn’t going to do it.

And you know what?  I feel better for not publishing any of those three negative, emotive, and judgmental posts.

The posts I had half written, and then trashed were about Borderline Personality Disorder, casual sex with strangers, and the medicinal use of marijuana.


jack collier



Learn Self-Discipline

No person is free who is not master of themselves.

Self-discipline and self-control aren’t easy ~ these admirable character traits are not something we are born with, and usually most people don’t really develop self-discipline and self-control until they are well into adulthood.  Some sad people never learn any real self-discipline and self-control at all.  They are doomed to live meaningless, unfulfilled, unhappy, and unenlightened existences.

The exercise of self-discipline and self-control is difficult and complicated, needing willpower, flexibility, and judgement.  To live fully rewarding lives we must continually be completely honest with ourselves, yet at times withhold the whole truth from others.  To be free of disappointment, pain, and suffering we must assume total responsibility for ourselves and our own actions.  It’s no good breaking our abstinence from alcohol or cigarettes just because some other people seem to having a good time smoking and drinking.  That is just giving the power to control our lives to others whose own judgement is very suspect.

We must also have the self-discipline and self-control to reject responsibility that is not truly ours.  I am not my brother’s keeper, nor are you responsible for what your sister does with her life.

True self-discipline and real self-control means being organised and efficient, living wisely, and living in balance and harmony with yourself and the Cosmos.

A key part of this is the ability to delay gratification ~ don’t always stop at the pub on the way home from work, don’t always get angry when questioned, and don’t always eat that last sandwich even when you are not hungry.  Keep an eye on the future, think about what your actions are going to mean tomorrow, next week, next year.  Do you want to be an angry and overweight alcoholic?  Well, by the sound of it that’s where you’ll be heading if you don’t learn some self-discipline and self-control.

Let hunger sharpen your awareness.  Abstain liquor and frivolous recreation, which dull the mind and weaken the body.  ~  Laura Joh Rowland.

It’s all about replacing bad and self-destructive habits with good habits that will enhance your life in the longer term.  Instead of stopping off at the pub on the way home from work, three or four times a week, go to the gym instead.  You won’t get the immediate buzz of getting drunk, but you will get the long-term buzz of being a fitter, healthier, much better person.

Either I’m lucky, or I have a lot of willpower, because I seem to have more than my share of self-discipline and self-control ~ (and even I self-destruct from time to time).  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t pick up cheap women in bars for meaningless sex.  I’m fit and healthy, I walk at least 5 miles every day, exercise, and I do yoga.  My weight is right where it should be, my blood work is excellent, and my heart is strong.  I don’t go to work at all, and yet I’m wealthy enough to do what I like when I like.

And nobody has ever given me one damn thing. Everything I have I have earned for myself through hard work, self-discipline, and self-control.

The answer is easy.  Stop pissing your life away like a fool, and start really living instead.  Replace your bad and self-destructive habits with good habits that will enhance your life in the longer term.

If I can do it, anyone can.


jack collier



Quest for Idealism

What I seek is under a spell so only the worthy can find it.

There is a button inside my psyche, its marked Self-Destruct ~ do not press  

I press buttons just to find out what they do, it’s part of who I am.  Sometimes the little things I do create a huge and unholy mess on the scale of the Titanic disaster.  Sometimes I need someone to save me from myself.

There are some things I’m searching for, and failure to make progress in any one of these quests can lead me to pressing the Self-Destruct button ~ usually with painfully disastrous results.  The snag is, the things I’m searching for aren’t easy to find.  But then, nothing worthwhile is ever easy, and sometimes I’m not even certain what it is I am seeking…

A deeper, enhanced, more emotional, more meaningfully spiritual, enlightened reality ~ connected not just to my id, but to my entire body, mind, and soul.

Relationships that are mutually supportive and in harmony, and not always on the verge of self-destruction.  A strong, trusting, loving, liberated, intimate relationship with someone I really care for and who cares for me in return.

Freedom from my black or white, yes / no thinking.  In relationships I have a strong tendency to want it all, or nothing at all.  My ethics, morals, and mores are painfully strict and old-fashioned.

Self without cognitive dissonance, anger, insecurity, intolerance, jealousy, or fear of abandonment.  A self that is enlightened, accepting of all, and understanding of all.

Truth that is not brutal, and is neither self-serving, nor hiding behind lies of omission and half-truths.

A healthy mind in a healthy body.  Continually seeking to improve my physical, mental, psychological, and spiritual fitness.

Patience, acceptance, tolerance, understanding, and a willingness to compromise ~ all of which I have little if any at all.

When you want to hurry something, that means you no longer care about it and want to get on to other things.  ~  Robert M. Pirsig

I do too much, give me an acorn and before you know where you are you will be up to your ass in oak trees.  I fight the alligators instead of remembering that I’m supposed to be draining the swamp.  My dress sense is preppy, rather than relaxed, or trendy, or fashionable.  I tend to give solutions, rather than just quietly listening to the problem.  My desires, emotions, and passions run very strong and very deep.

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent.  This lenten season I am giving up the right to be a typical self-indulgent male, which includes dealing with some, or all, of the above ~ especially impatience.

Please Do Not Press This Button Again


jack collier


with thanks to my Goddess


Embrace the Moonlight

I love the moon too much to be afraid of the night.


now is the time for me to set myself to rights,

it’s time to stop bemoaning my evil plight,

come out of the dark shadows into the light,

moonlight is better than the blackest of nights,

and that’s where I’ve been, cowering in fright.


There is no point in waiting until tomorrow, there is no mileage in procrastination, and mañana isn’t even English.  I need to take action this day.

There have been things in my life I have not understood, or have chosen not to understand, or have chosen to ignore ~ and these things are now coming out of the darkness of my deep subconscious into the light of my conscious awareness.

Recently it has all been a bit intense, and at times I’ve struggled through cognitive dissonance, not knowing who I am, or what I want from Life.  But I have been shocked from complacency by both my friend and my Goddess.  Today, I am blessed with a powerful and strange energy which has allowed me to make a brutally honest assessment of myself.

This intense, powerful, strange energy is allowing me to make changes within myself I have not previously had the power to achieve.

Yet, I know that any change I attempt to make from within my personality, my id, and my ego, should be for the greater good or it will never work.  I have had far too much help to be selfish and make changes that will only benefit myself.  But, as I improve mine own self, it will reflect in every aspect of my world and my life.

As I give to the world, so I shall receive in return.

As I walk from the darkness into the moonlight, my life and my world will change for the better.  I have realised that to cower in fear in the darkness is to stray from the true warrior’s path.  I thank my friend and my Goddess for that new awareness.


jack collier




Scenes on Sunday ~ Peace and Serenity

True Serenity is knowing Peace amid the Storm.






God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,   the courage to change the things I can,   and the wisdom to know the difference.

jack collier




The Great Truths

There are some Great and Noble Truths ~ these are mine.


Life is difficult and painful.

The causes of my problems and pain are my own cravings, desires, wants, needs, lusts, and my blaming of others when Life isn’t how I want it to be.

I cannot change what happens to me, but I can change how I react, and I can change what I do.

The path to freedom from suffering and pain is through self-discipline in body, mind, and spirit.

The lonely Warrior’s Path has only one ending ~ walk it in honour, and with love.


jack collier


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