You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, ashamed, angry, nor condemned.
If I sit alone and brood, then all the negative, dark, and ugly thoughts come back to me.
If I drink to escape and hide from my painfully dark and negative feelings, then things get far, far worse.
For me, The Past is a very dangerous place. Before I ever go there again I should take notice of the signs that say things like ‘Here Be Dragons’.
At times my thoughts can suddenly wander into dark places leading me to have unpleasant and negative feelings.
In own unacknowledged and unaccepted pain I am quite capable of hurting the ones I care for the most.
Deep within me I am still a prisoner of the negative ethics, judgementalism, and fears I learned when I was a child.
Right now, I do not know how to deal with any of this.
My only plan is to keep working on recovering from severe alcoholic poisoning, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. And, the only recovery I’m going to work on today is physical ~ not thinking or feeling at all seems like a good plan.
That and staying away from any thoughts and feelings at all.
there may be a new dawn ahead
it’s just that, right now
I can’t see it
Your memory is a monster it summons with a will of its own. You think you have a memory, but it has you. ~ John Irving
My strongest belief was that I was doing well, that I was making an escape from the dark demons that were haunting me.
I told myself that I was a cool guy, living a great life. Cool is not a good adjective to apply to myself. It excuses all kinds of previous negative actions, and on-going manipulation of others.
In doing my best to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder I was just making things much worse.
The Holidays and all through January have been very bad, and as you would expect, I had a complete alcohol-fueled breakdown last week. Since Sunday my body, mind, and spirit have just concentrated on my staying alive.
I will try to make amends to all those people I have hurt. Maybe I’ll die trying.
Alone in the darkness is a very bad place
a friend in need is a friend indeed
Today I am unwell in body, mind, and spirit.
I cannot eat, and I can only drink an electrolyte powder in water.
Getting up out of my chair and doing things is difficult ~ I am so unsteady.
Writing this is more than ordinarily difficult ~ English is making no sense at all.
Also I keep getting everyone’s name wrong. that’s very bad of me.
My sincere apologies to everyone I’ve ever hurt, and everyone I’ve lied to.
I’m glad that I still have some caring friends I can trust.
and good memories to look back upon
Act as if you’re a really very guy, living a great life.
Over the last week I’ve eaten nothing, had no sleep at all, and drank far too much booze. Neither have I been out of the garret for any fresh air and exercise.
I haven’t written anything either, except for a couple of short emails, and I messed those too.
Today I’m starting to put my life back together again.
Each time we face our fears we gain confidence, self-belief, and freedom.
People have a strong tendency to sabotage themselves when things are going really well in their lives.
It doesn’t really matter how smart you are, how grounded you are, or how much money you have, one of these days you will probably get to a place where everything is cool and fine, and then you’ll
fuck foul it up with drink, drugs, prescription and over the counter medication, smoking, gambling, binge eating, casual sex….. It seems as though we have an in-built belief that we are not really worthy, or good enough, or nice enough to have all that success and all those good feelings. We aren’t comfortable with standing out among our family, friends, and peers ~ and this belief that we don’t deserve our own success is something that we learn in early childhood, before we are seven years old. Our parents, care-givers, and siblings are to blame for that.
Also, very early on in life, many of us learn to believe that we are unworthy of love. We learn that we don’t deserve to be loved by others, we learn how not to love ourselves, we learn to believe that we don’t deserve to get all the good stuff that life has to offer. We continually judge ourselves, criticise ourselves, and fall prey to negative thinking and negative beliefs.
In the extreme these negative feelings and beliefs lead to something called Borderline Personality Disorder, and that creates no end of troubles; paranoia, fear of abandonment, addiction, boozing, reckless behaviours, depression, bi-polar disorder…..
It takes real genius, strong will, self-honesty, openness, and willingness to escape from these dark negative places.
First of all we need to understand love and what it means. The belief that stops us from fully embracing the love of others and accepting self-love is the negative expectation that it’s all going to turn to crap eventually, and whoever offers love to us is going to abandon us anyway. Usually that means we will push others away from us, and the denial of love becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The same things happen with anything and everything else we want, need, and desire; money, health, enlightenment, friendships, personal growth, freedom to do what we really want to do…..
And all of these negative beliefs and thought patterns are imposed upon our subconscious minds in childhood, which of course means we learn to believe all this crap from our parents, the rest of our families, other care-givers, teachers, older children…..
To escape from an unsuccessful, unfulfilled, ultimately unhappy life we need to be willing to throw aside our past and instead build a future which truly reflects the unique, lovable, loving person we are. If you talk about your past you are just reliving all the negative crap, no matter what gloss your subconscious mind tries to put on all the shit you used to do.
Most people aren’t truly willing to take that monumental leap ~ in fact I don’t know anyone who is.
Do what you’ve always done and you’ll get what you always got.
you may believe all this smoking, drinking, and sitting at the bar is cool
Whatever men attempt, they seem driven to overdo ~ Bernard Baruch
That’s certainly always been true for me.
Please listen responsibly.
Being alone should hold no terrors for a man.
It’s pretty unlikely that I’m ever going to be stranded on a desert island, get lost in the jungle, or dumped in the middle of the outback. But, I’ve been lost and alone in an urban jungle many, many times. Today, as I write this I’m alone in my apartment with some cool music playing on my hi-fi ~ I’m alone in a modern jungle and I know that every single day I will need all of my hard-learned skills to survive and prosper.
The very, very first hard lesson I learned about being alone and lonely is that staying locked up in one’s own home, bolting the door, and nailing it shut, does not help at all. Doing your shopping at two in the morning at the all-night supermarket, only interacting with other people via the internet, never opening one’s post ~ well that’s just pathetic. However tempting it may be to utterly cut oneself off from the world, it’s not a good plan.
What I learned was;
- Stop drinking. Booze just makes everything much worse.
- Don’t spend money you don’t have, and never borrow a penny.
- Don’t gamble. Gambling is for suckers and sluts. The house always wins in the end.
- Get out of bed, get showered, shaved, shampoo your hair, get dressed in clean clothes.
- Junk all the rags you’ve been wearing for years, go shopping and buy some stylish new stuff. Don’t shop in thrift / goodwill stores because you will look like a used tramp.
- Get some fresh air and exercise, every single day. Start by forcing yourself to walk for an hour a day. Then force yourself to do the 10,000 steps a day thing, and maybe go to the gym 3 or 4 days a week.
- Go travelling into the sunshine.
- Talk to people. Especially a guy should talk to women ~ and not in a creepy way.
- Do something creative. I write this blog.
Life can be good, no matter what has gone before. But the thing is, you have to show up. Mostly Life will not come to you, mostly you have to at least meet Life half way.
Today I am a very cool guy, living a great life. And you know why that is? Because I say it is.
fly me away
The sins of the fathers will be visited upon the children…..
Our parents told us to be wise, look ahead, be strong, don’t look back, get a job, be cool….. That’s if we were lucky. If we were unlucky they mostly ignored us, left us to fend for ourselves while they were out doing adult things. If we were very unlucky we witnessed a dysfunctional relationship, totally filled with an utter lack of love. For some it was worse than that, with one of their parents being an abusive alcoholic while the other merely acted as an enabler. There will be blood on the lawns of those homes.
Children who had abusive parents, or were from dysfunctional families, would grow up with all kinds of mental problems; Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Depression. Alcoholism, drugs, gambling, and other addictions are also common among adults who suffer from mental health problems created in their childhood. The likelihood is that they will struggle with their own psychological and spiritual problems for all of their adult lives, mirroring the lives of their parents. They too will find themselves in dysfunctional or abusive relationships, treatment centres, rehabilitation centres. and hospitals of one kind or another for one reason or another. If they are wise they will not have children of their own.
I know this because I have suffered some of this, and I have also known many people who have suffered a less than ideal childhood and have turned out to be less than perfect adults and parents. Sadly many of the suffering people I used to know are dead; alcoholism, drug use, accidents, sundry medical problems, suicide…..
If you’re suffering from anything I’ve mentioned above, you will also know that the caring professions are mostly
fucking damn useless at helping people with mental illnesses or addictions of any kind. You may get talking therapies, and you will probably be prescribed all kinds of nasty medication, neither of which will be of much help. You may have tried 12-step recovery groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon. Not many stick around these 12-step groups for long. But there is something that helped me.
One thing often said in these 12-step groups is; ‘fake it until you make it’, or ‘fake it to make it’. In other words if what you want to be is a kind, caring, sober person, then ‘act as if’ you were that person. This technique is widely accepted in the field of Neuro Linguistic Programming. And, keep telling yourself; ‘I am a kind, caring, sober guy’. If you believe it, then you actually are that guy. Self-talk does work.
It turns out that I believe my own self-talk ~ ‘I’m a cool and charismatic guy, living a really great life’. I can be anyone and anything I want to be. I can manifest any kind of life I want, need, desire, or dream of ~ providing I don’t give in to lusts or base emotions.
There has been blood in my garden, blood helps the flowers grow.
in your race for self-destruction
stop to smell the flowers
enchanted lust is as a candle under a dark moon
hard as stone
dry as a bone
far as the moon
she left me alone
the enchantress crone
dangerous women attract me
I suffer an abnormal fear of abandonment
Remember the 5th of November, Treason and Gunpowder Plot
Today England, London, remembers the 1605 Catholic Plot by Guy Fawkes and his cronies to blow up the Houses of Parliament while King James the First, the Lord’s, and Members of Parliament were all in there. The plot failed and Guy Fawkes was sentenced to death by being hung, drawn, and quartered. Luckily for Fawkes he either fell, or was pushed, from the scaffold before his sentence could be carried out.
England still celebrates Guy Fawkes death to this very day. The English are obsessive when it comes to remembering things.
I Remember….. I am blessed / cursed with a near ‘eidetic memory’ – I hardly ever forget anything, except names which I seem to forget on purpose This says a lot about my psyche and the Borderline Personality Disorder that goes along with it.
On the upside, this makes me very effective, efficient, organised….. The penalties are that I remember every hurt, betrayal, and negative emotion as though these bad things were happening right now. I become angry, jealous, paranoid, and almost suicidal over things that happened days, weeks, years ago. This leads me into doing really stupidly bad things just to assuage the hurt.
Nobody can be happy living the way I was living. It’s hard enough just to go on existing if you are living the way I was.
I tried to teach myself to forget. That did not work.
Instead I taught myself how to accept and understand. Accept that shit happens, and understand that past trauma cannot actually hurt me in the here and now.
How did I teach myself to let go of the past? Through a lot of hard work, patience, and self-love. I took care of my health and fitness in body, mind, and spirit. And finally I learned to be open, honest, and forgiving of myself and others.
I will write more of my journey from the hellish rock-bottom I managed to reach, to the sunlit meadow by the sea that I live in today.
Some say that we should never forgive and never forget. And that revenge is a dish best served cold. All I know is that nobody likes an obnoxious, misanthropic, angry jerk.
Mr. Hyde is a dangerous place to be