Inside my heart may be breaking, my smile may be faking it, but the show must go on
Those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder may identify with this song.
Nice to know we are not the only crazy ones.
I always rent a Mustang,
that has to count for something.
Mania and depression all at once means;
the will to die and the motivation to make it happen.
sometimes we entrap ourselves
Agitated depression and borderline personality disorder are an extremely dangerous and confusing set of mixed mental / emotional / spiritual states. Those of us who are unfortunate enough to suffer from a personality disorder, or serious character defect, often become confused because we sometimes seem to have two or more totally different and opposite problems at one in the same time. Believe me, I’ve been there more than once.
Have you ever felt really tired, but keyed-up and tense at the same time? You want to go to sleep but you’re full of energy and can’t relax? Or, you feel really melancholy, depressed, and sad, but at the same time you are very hurt and angry and want to strike out against whoever it is that’s hurt you. These contradictory conditions are a sign of something called Comorbitity, where one or more medical / mental / emotional / spiritual conditions are co-occurring with a primary problem.
Perhaps the most common instances of comorbitity are between people diagnosed with a mental illness who also abuse booze, drugs, and prescription medication. Addicts and alcoholics are often also mentally ill.
Anger, rage, and fury alongside sadness, melancholia, and depression at one in the same time don’t actually make a lot of sense. Anger is a very active emotion requiring a hell of a lot of mental and emotional energy, (and taken to extremes a lot of physical energy), whereas sadness and depression are passive emotions which sap energy and leave the sufferer incapable of doing very much at all.
More typical would be a period of extreme anger, followed by remorse, guilt, and sadness. Not the two things going on at once. But, especially in men, anger and depression often go hand in hand.
However, anyone who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder will be aware of just how chancy that diagnosis was, and may well have been misdiagnosed by several doctors / psychiatrists / psychologists / therapists before their correct diagnosis, and hence correct treatment was discovered, (found by accident). A hell of a lot of people who have Borderline Personality Disorder will at first have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
In fact there are 9 or 10 distinct personality disorders, and very often a sufferer will have symptoms or traits of more than one of these disorders, at one in the same time. As if it’s not bad enough suffering from just one of these life-destroying mental illnesses.
So if you’re confused about your illness, or the way your loved one / partner / friend behaves, don’t worry. Instead put in the hard work and learn about what’s exactly going on ~ start with the internet, then talk with your doctors.
Some say that all alcoholics and addicts are just plain crazy. And that they just never know how their partner is going to be from one minute to the next. All I know is they’re both right.
we all have demons inside us,
sometimes more than just one.
I get jealous, I get mad, I get curious ~ that’s only because I care
jealousy is always, always, ultimately destructive
Yesterday I posted some stuff about Retroactive Jealousy, which seems to be the most disturbing, counter-intuitive, difficult to comprehend, painful psychological condition anyone could suffer from. Jealousy drove me to drink and thoughts of suicide. But, how to get over this life-destroying problem, just how does one recover from jealousy over your partner’s past?
Retroactive Jealousy is a serious mental disorder, which means that your jealousy is not really part of you, it’s your mental illness driving you into painfully insane thoughts and actions. Your jealousy may not be you, it might be obsessions and compulsions which arise from a medical disease, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.
Do not make the mistake of waiting passively for the jealousy, and the insane urges to do something crazy to just go away. By something crazy I mean getting drunk a lot, stalking your partner’s social media, spying on your partner, committing suicide….. If you suffer from retroactive jealousy the worst thing you can do is nothing ~ the most important thing is to do something, see a psychiatrist, talk to your sponsor in whatever 12 step group you attend, watch some appropriate podcasts on YouTube, read a useful book ~ Brain Lock might be helpful, as might The Road Less Travelled. DO NOT ever talk with your partner about this ~ that is the very worst thing you can do, it’s like an alcoholic taking just one more drink, there is no relief to be found there.
Talking with your partner about their past, the past that you suffer crazy jealousies about, is just another way of harming yourself ~ and in any event your partner will probably lie, deny, and minimise what they did in their past. There is no truth and no recovery to be found in talking things over with your partner.
To recover from retroactive jealousy you have to put in some very hard work. And the first step is to admit that you have a real and life-destroying problem. And then you have to consider Desire, Wants, Needs, and Love.
Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness, of hatred, of jealousy, and, most easily of all, the gate of fear. ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
The accepted prerequisite for anyone to suffer from Retroactive Jealousy is that they must both love and need their partner, or at least firmly believe that they both love and need their partner. There can be no retroactive jealousy unless you first deeply care about someone. Ergo, one sure cure for this horrible condition is to stop needing and loving him or her. Face it, why would you love someone who has done things which hurt you so deeply, perhaps things that disgust you? That really is counter intuitive, so to stop hurting, just stop loving.
Another way to cure retroactive jealousy is to just walk away ~ leave your partner, never look back, and then completely forget them. Mark the time you spent with him or her as the biggest mistake of your life, and move on.
Or, put yourself into months and years of really painful therapy.
How am I recovering from Retroactive Jealousy? I’ve stopped needing. The truly self-aware and self-reliant man has no neediness.
Some say that real men don’t suffer from jealousy. And that being jealous only shows up your own inadequacies. All I know is that the insanity of being jealous of the past almost killed me.
falling in love with a centerfold is maybe not the best idea a guy could ever have
let today be the day you stop being haunted by the ghost of yesterday
on a poster
on a dingy wall
in the room where
the meetings were held
were these spiritual words
no ill will, hostility, bitterness
no matter how ugly the jealousy
dissatisfaction, rancour, antagonism
there is no justification for resentments
not here, not with one you loved, not ever
in a bar hunted by singles
drinking and smoking alone
is no panacea for resentments
it’s cool to be confident and happy being just who you are
building a very cool car is part of living a great life
I tell people that I’m a very cool guy, living a really great life ~ and some of that is actually true. I am old enough and wealthy enough that I have no need to work for a living, and having a reasonable amount of money I can pretty much do what I want, go where I want, buy whatever I like…..
But, there was a fly in my soup. For as long as I remember I had a terrible feeling that I didn’t fit in, that I didn’t belong, that everyone was out to get me. I was always afraid, angry, envious, jealous, paranoid, suicidal, and often the worse for drink. Each and every day I struggled to keep it all together, and sometimes the chaotic shit that was going on inside my mind would spill over and I would become a really nasty, destructive, resentful jerk. That was always followed by deep remorse, regret, apologies, and promises never to do that again ~ until the next time.
I didn’t learn that the only way to deal with negative and unhealthy beliefs and emotions is to allow yourself to feel them, let them pass through you, and then let them go and move on. For no reason I can find, a few days ago I learned the lesson that I don’t need to react to negative, destructive, fearful, paranoid, resentful, jealous feelings and beliefs. I made one small change ~ no matter how bad I feel, on the outside I will always seem to be a very cool guy, living a really great life.
As they say in 12-step meetings; I will fake it to make it, I will act as if I am totally cool, that I’ve got my shit together, that I am utterly self-aware, self-confident, self-controlled, and self-disciplined. And you know what? The more I act like that, the truer and more real it becomes.
It turns out that I am a very cool guy, living a really great life.
In a few days I’m taking a vacation in Turkey, before that I’m going to do a couple of pretty outrageous things that I wouldn’t even have dreamed of doing just a few short days ago. Later this year I’ll be taking a trip over the Christmas Holidays, and I’ve already got some great things in mind for next year. How cool is all that?
Some say that we can never escape our past. And that we will never be good enough, that we could always have done better, that we will never be able to hold onto a relationship, that we will always be a drunken jerk. All I know is that the only person I need to compare myself with is the guy I was yesterday.
Sedona, AZ, one of the really great places I’ve been to this year
nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished~ Lao Tzu
the evening always happens in its own good time
What if all behaviour has a probability of both success and failure? How would we increase the chances of our being successful, and decrease the probability of our failing? Well the first thing we have to do is stop seeing everything in terms of Yes / No, Black / White, Angels / Demons, and instead begin to accept that the world and the people we meet exist in shades of grey. Instead of our totally failing at something, we need to accept the premise that it is possible to be moderately successful.
This goes against everything I believe and live by. I have a personality disorder, and one of the traits of this illness is called Splitting ~ seeing everything in black and white, being completely successful, or a total failure ~ with nothing in between. Everything in me says there should be no shades of grey.
Real life is not like that. You may have a pretty good marriage without it being perfect. Or, you might have a decent job without it being your ideal career. And, you might be reasonably healthy without looking like a Greek God with a hell of an adonis belt. To be more successful we need to accept that life is what it is, and then work
fucking very hard to get more of what we like, want, need, and desire, and less of the things that annoy us, make us angry, depress us, and make us feel like crap.
One way to do the hard work to achieve greater success is to get away from our black and white thinking need to make immediate changes, our need for instant gratification, our need to make things happen Now! Instead we should learn to use patience and time in our favour.
I do things fast. I think fast, I read fast, I solve problems quickly, I jump to conclusions, I am impulsive, I have vicious mood swings, and they happen Fast! This is all part of the borderline personality disorder I suffer from, and I know I need to control this. The wiser man takes his time to think before he acts.
A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else. ~ George Savile
Charging off at the far horizon is all very well ~ it’s exhilarating and exciting. But what if it’s the wrong horizon, what if you’re going in the wrong direction? The wiser man takes time to prepare, to make certain he is ready, to ensure that he’s going in the right direction.
Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe. ~ Abraham Lincoln
When there is time, the wise man uses that time to his best advantage. Only when there is something truly urgent and immediate does a wise man act fast. And, in an emergency all the good stuff he has done in the past, because he was patient enough to always do the very best he could, all that good stuff will come to his aid and strengthen his arm to help him to do the right thing, even when he has to do it fast.
In the long run we shall do more by sometimes doing less. ~ Charles Spurgeon
you just know who is going to win this one
and the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom
My life has become challenging and rewarding. The challenges are to learn how to control my feelings, my expectations, my wants, needs, desires, dreams, and lusts. To be a very cool guy, living a great life ~ a very cool guy who is truly self-aware, self-deprecating, self-disciplined, self-controlled, and self-confident. A man who takes care of his friends, is accepting, supportive, understanding, patient, and steadfast. Someone who doesn’t show uncontrollable anger, nor act like a negative jerk. I already have some of the rewards; my friendships are returning, I am sober, I am self-aware, and I am filled with positive energies.
Life is a risky business, and in the end there are few winners. I hope that in the critical weeks ahead of me I will make good decisions that benefit myself and those I care for ~ now and in the future.
My new journey along the warrior’s path began with a decision to make some serious changes to myself and my life, regardless of what I had to do to make changes, and regardless of what those changes needed to be.
What I do know is that the most important change I needed to make was the resolve to stay sober. For me, drinking any booze at all just means that everything gets totally fucked-up. If I drink then something very bad may happen, one day the booze might kill me.
None of the things I’ve tried before ever worked for long. But, this week a light was turned on ~ and perhaps the reason is that I suddenly became uncontrollably angry at a friend. And shortly after that I was utterly remorseful. I had a rapid and extreme change of mood within an hour or so. Scary. I knew I had to do something radical.
Things are better for me today. I still get incredibly angry for no good reason at all, but now I know I need to keep that anger locked away until I can find an acceptable way to release it. And the same goes for all the other powerfully negative chaotic emotions that flood my mind.
I got to where I was by continually doing what I had always been doing, including drinking. I knew that I had to do things differently. I started by researching exactly WTF Borderline Personality Disorder is, and how others manage to live with it.
Some say that Faint Heart never won Fair Lady. And that you will never get anywhere in life without taking risks. All I know is that being a really cool guy means taking care of and loving others, as well as taking care of and loving myself.
mindfulness is a way of non-judgmentally connecting with your life
some things are in the wrong place, but none can know the future
Until pretty recently I had never heard the words mindful nor mindfully and to be honest, for a man of my generation, background, and upbringing, the concepts and processes of mindfulness are fairly alien and unknowable.
However, to each of us there comes a time when we need to look outside of our everyday wants, needs, struggles, and conflicts to find something we can trust to lift the pain and distress from our shoulders. There may come a time when we sink as low as to destroy the relationship we hold most precious, to harm ourselves with booze, drugs, gambling, casual sex, lies and deceptions, and to have thoughts of suicide. Just a few short days ago I had sunk that low. I had arrived at a rock bottom, and I knew there was yet another rock bottom even lower and worse than the one I was suffering.
Now I know that mindfulness is a way for me to live fully in the moment, and by being totally in the now, cutting off worries about the past and stress about all possible futures.
Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different. ~ James Baraz
Mindfulness is a way for me to calmly pay full attention to what is happening to me right now, how I am feeling right now, and how I am reacting to those feelings. Deep down there is a need for me to be calm and at peace with what is happening in the now, instead of worrying and being resentful about what has happened, what could happen, what was and could be bad, what went wrong, what could go wrong, and what is missing in my life. No matter the chaos that is troubling me in my heart and mind, outwardly I need to radiate inner peace.
Being mindful is about me letting the past stay in the past and leaving the future as something that is yet to come about, it’s about being in the now without being hurt, disturbed, and distressed by what might happen, or what has already happened, or what my twisted mind thinks has already happened.
I may never be able to silence the thousands of negative thoughts and feelings that uninvited pass through my mind each day, but I have learned how to slow down my mind, and allow my feelings to come and go without reacting badly to them.
Some say that they don’t need to feel bad about anything they have ever done. And that they have no regrets about the past nor worries about the future. All I know is that I can stop being afraid, I am the master of my fate.
how the disconnect inside my mind feels
wandering through a desolate wasteland of your own making
I guess I have suffered from untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), for most of my life. I shouldn’t feel so bad because BPD is mostly incurable, and all many of we sufferers can do is learn how to minimise how the symptoms and traits that blight our lives.
As far as possible treatments go…..
Many suffers of this terrible illness self-medicate with copious quantities of alcohol, marijuana, and other street drugs ~ and then they become addicts. I’ve tried the booze thing, over and over again, just to escape the pain and suffering. It works for a while, because a boozer will eventually just pass out. However, the cure soon becomes worse than the disease. Too much booze can kill you in so very many ways, and anyone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder will always drink far too much strong liquor. Eventually one has to stop drinking for a while, and for a while after you stop drinking you might feel so physically ill that you believe you are going to die.
If you are in crisis your doctor might give you a sleeping pill or tranquilizer, but should not ever prescribe more than a week’s supply ~ there is too much danger that someone suffering from BPD will take an overdose, possibly in an attempt to kill themselves.
Your doctor may prescribe Prozac, (fluoxetine), which is an SSRI, (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), an antidepressant used to safely treat depression, anxiety, OCD, (obsessive compulsive disorder), maybe Bipolar Disorder, and eating disorders. Prozac makes you want to commit suicide. When you stop taking Prozac you will have some unpleasant withdrawal symptoms.
In a tiny study, (of 12 patients suffering from BPD), all showed some improvement after taking Prozac over an extended period, but none in the trial had suffered from terrible depression. Nowhere is Prozac said to be an effective treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.
Of the talking therapies, current thinking is that Dialectical Behavior Therapy, (DBT), is most effective at treating BPD. The thing about DBT is that it focuses on honestly accepting who we are, and that is the real key to living a good life if you have
fucking Borderline Personality Disorder.
Good luck in finding a counselor skilled in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or getting the funding for the long and intensive course of treatment you really need. The best you might get is some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is where Dialectical Behavior Therapy came from in the first place.
Personally, I have found a great deal of benefit just watching and listening appropriate podcasts on internet sites like YouTube. What I have learned is that no matter how fucking chaotic, evil, and negative my feelings are, I DO NOT NEED TO LET MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS AFFECT MY BEHAVIOUR.
Some say that they never realised that they were acting like a jerk, or a bitch. And that they thought that everyone had distressing feelings all the time. All I know is that I can be a cool guy, living a really great life ~ even though I have an incurable personality disorder.
even in the short term drinking will not help people with a problem