we should think twice before we burn everything behind us
I suffer from a debilitating and high risk mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which often produces a lot of emotional suffering accompanied with an inability to live anything like a normal life. Sometimes my mind feels like an abandoned building.
However, there is an odd characteristic about BPD in that suffers will often say that they either feel everything or nothing at all. What I do know is that before today I was feeling emotionally hurt and vulnerable.
People with BPD have an exquisite vulnerability to emotions, and this susceptibility is hardwired. ~ Shari Y. Manning, Ph.D
In the past week I have had some difficult days filled with jealousy, paranoia, and anger. Those negative feelings do me no good at all, and when I am in that state I say and do things I later regret. I make stupid, impulsive, and irrational decisions. I say hurtful truths to others and feel immediate remorse. I upset people I care for, get drunk, and think about just ending it all. The dark side of me seeks to punish myself and everyone else. My thoughts and perceptions become extreme, it’s black and white thinking, or what the psychiatrists call splitting. And all of it hurts.
The pain and suffering that comes from something like Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder happens suddenly. The pain and suffering affects every aspect of the identity; physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. And the chaos and pain can go on, and on, and on ~ until something happens that allows some beginnings of recovery. For some recovery begins with a proper diagnosis, treatment, and medication. For me recovery began with admitting that I was truly ill, and then learning all I could about Borderline Personality Disorder. For me, real recovery began with the courage to accept the mental, emotional, and spiritual pain and then decide that I don’t have to live like that anymore.
For most, the greatest pain is emotional ~ and I mean intense emotions such as anger, jealousy, regret, remorse, and hopelessness. The mental pain experienced by those with Borderline Personality Disorder is very specific and different from the anguish suffered by those with a depressive disorder. But there is one other mystery about BPD, it also produces high levels of physical pain, and yet the pain of self-harm is never felt at all. This is probably due to dissociation, the shutting down of parts of the brain due to intense stress.
This is why those who suffer from intense emotional pain also self-harm ~ the physical pain they inflict upon themselves helps to negate their intense emotional suffering
Some say that Borderline Personality Disorder is an illness that revolves around pain. And that emotional outbursts seem to come out of nowhere. All I know is that in accepting the pain I can begin the hard work of real recovery.
at the end of the day
even the best booze doesn’t help
I understood myself only after I destroyed myself
Psychiatrists tell us that there are 10 different types of personality disorder, and that suffers do not necessarily cleanly fit into just one category. They also tell us that there is a remarkable overlap between those diagnosed with a personality disorder and those who also display one or more addictive behaviours.
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and around 80% of those diagnosed with BPD also have substance abuse disorders; the most common being alcoholism, followed by addiction to cocaine, opiates, prescription drugs, and marijuana. Suffers from BPD are also likely to have other addictions such as being dangerously promiscuous and / or have gambling issues. In my case I spent several years as a near-alcoholic.
Any addictive behaviour, particularly booze or drugs, by those suffering from a personality disorder just makes everything much, much worse. Lives become more difficult, they become totally unresponsive to treatment, they become violent, and will threaten, attempt, or actually commit suicide. Around 10% of those diagnosed with BPD commit suicide, which is 1,000 times more than in the general population.
Therefore, in order to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder, (or any other personality disorder), the first prerequisite is to cease and desist from any addictive behaviours. In my case this means just don’t drink, stay sober, never touch booze. This never, ever means that someone in recovery can have one or two drinks, or smoke the occasional joint, or go to Vegas once in a while. Stopping means just that, stopping completely, forever, just one day at a time.
Sadly, the success rate for those attempting to recover from alcoholism, substance abuse, or any other addiction, is very low. More than half of all those who want to stop drinking will relapse within 3 months, more than half will die from booze, the side-effects of booze, accidents, or suicide. (Some say that 100% of those who don’t stop drinking or using will die from their addiction, its side-effects, or suicide. From personal experience I agree with that.)
There are a few rules to follow to stop drinking, using, or other addiction;
- stop being friends with people who you used to drink with, use with, have sex with, gamble with
- stay away from bars and other places where you used to drink or use, or whatever
- never, ever take the first drink, joint, pill, or whatever your addiction of choice
- do not get lonely, angry, hungry, or tired
- change your routines completely
- live one day at a time
Some say that the survival instinct is overwhelmed by the addiction. And that once an addict always an addict. All I know is that if I drink I will suffer very bad things
recovery means staying out of bars
trusting her is my decision, proving me right is her choice
Everybody lies ~ that’s one of life’s great truths. So, why would I ever want or need to place my trust in another person? I can put things more bluntly; I suffer from a serious mental health problem called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which makes it extremely difficult for me to ever trust anyone, particularly someone that I care for. It’s common for someone with BPD to find it very difficult to trust, even though I may have a deep need for validation from other people. That means I will lash out when I think someone has betrayed me, is betraying me, or might desert me.
Anyone with any personality disorder, especially with BPD, will have a history of very rocky relationships, especially romantic relationships. Borderline Personality Disorder causes constant and extreme mood swings and changes in emotional states, from doting and affectionate one minute, to abusive and pushing your partner away within just a few hours. If you either suffer from that horrible personality disorder, or if you are close to someone who does, you will find that trust comes very hard.
And, why should we trust at all? Why should we ever give another the chance to betray and hurt us? Why should we risk being lied to and deceived?
Things come apart so easily when they have only been held together with lies. ~ Dorothy Allison.
All those with a personality disorder are compulsive liars and deceivers, and most of their relationships end in chaotic and traumatic breakups. This is true until they begin to recover. In recovering from a personality disorder the ‘former sufferer’ will become desperate to create and build trust in all of their relationships ~ and this takes a lot of time.
There are some things that I know I can do;
- Keep to my word and follow through with my actions.
- Learn how to communicate truthfully, openly, and effectively.
- Stop speaking and acting impulsively.
- If I’m wrong, or I’ve made a mistake, then admit it.
- Stop lying and deceiving ~ always be honest with myself and everyone else.
- Do what I believe is right ~ not what is easy or might get me what I want.
- Stop taking people for granted.
Those things kind of look and sound easy ~ they’re not. Earning trust and learning how to trust is one of the most difficult things someone recovering from a personality disorder or an addiction can ever do. But, if life is going to be worth living it’s something I know I have to give of my very best.
Some say deceive me once then shame on you. And, deceive me twice then shame on me. All I know is that you can’t build a good life based on a tissue of lies.
never trust a woman in a mask
the jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves
Retroactive Jealousy is being jealous of your partner’s sexual past. Sufferers of this sickening disorder can be jealous of things their partner did long before you even met them ~ maybe jealous of things their partner did years ago. It’s completely insane. It’s a monster which will grow and grow if you feed it, and it will utterly destroy relationships. Jealousy of any kind is incredibly destructive, retroactive jealousy even more so.
Jealousy ~ that sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, rage, and humiliation ~ can overtake your mind and threaten your very core. ~ Helen Fisher.
Generally, sufferers of retroactive jealousy also suffer from some serious underlying mental health problem such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Bipolar Disorder. Mostly it’s men who suffer from this insane kind of dysfunctional jealousy.
Now it may be that their are things in your partner’s sexual past that you just can’t live with ~ in which case you should just walk away. However, if you believe that you want to keep seeing your partner, there are some basic tools you can use to cope with your problem;
- Acknowledge that this is your problem, and not your partner’s. You need to deal with it on your own.
- Stop obsessively talking with your partner about their past. Do not stalk them by looking at their social media.
- Get clear about your own morals, ethics, and values. What are you fearful of, and what don’t you understand?
- Realise that it’s a new world out there, and some of the things which may have been totally unacceptable twenty years ago are commonplace now.
- Accept that nobody is perfect, and don’t be a hypocrite.
- Don’t be utterly judgemental and avoid black and white thinking.
- Realise that you are never, ever, going to be totally happy about your girlfriend’s past, but get yourself into a place where you can live with it.
- Do not compare yourself with your partner’s past lovers.
- Don’t go out and get drunk in the mistaken belief that will make you feel better.
The surest route to breeding jealousy is to compare. Since jealousy comes from feeling less than another, comparisons only fan the fires. ~ Dorothy Corkille Briggs
Some say that being jealous of your partner’s sexual past is just being hypocritical. And that if you love someone you should be accepting and understanding of their sexual past. All I know is that jealousy is a deceptive, tricky, and pernicious emotion ~ it’s all an ego game.
don’t throw away a good relationship
over things that happened in the past
black and white thinking is a bar to recovery from any addictive behaviour
black and white thinking causes me extreme problems
I have a serious mental and emotional problem called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), which comes with all kinds of nasty symptoms, including a much higher risk of suicide than the general population. (Statistically I have about 1000 times greater risk of attempting suicide than the majority of the population.)
Another nasty symptom of BPD is called Splitting, or more colloquially Black and White thinking. For me things are either very good, or totally bad. This is much worse to live with than you might think ~ for example I tend to think as women as either a Goddess, or a Slut with nothing in-between.
Intellectually I know this both stupid, nasty, and unfair, but emotionally I’m trapped in that loop. Similarly I either think of myself as a really good guy, or a worthless jerk ~ depending on how my chaotic emotions are running at the time.
It goes much deeper than that. Life is either really worth living, or I may as well end it all
Splitting, or black and white thinking means my emotions also go to extremes; love and hate, desire and disgust, stone cold sober or blind drunk. My memory is either perfect or false with paranoid delusions.
This weird all or nothing mind-set also means I suffer from something called dialectics,, which is all about metaphysical contradictions. My life is all about contradictions and extremes, which is
fucking terribly difficult to live with.
Some say that black and white thinking is the brain’s attempt to achieve perfection. And that if things were truly black and white we would not be using all of our mind’s capabilities. All I ask is why do I go to such extremes?
either a goddess or a slut,
or bot at one in the same time?
borderline personality disorder is a serious mental illness
I have been acting like a jerk in recent days, but it isn’t really my fault. I suffer from an untreated mental illness that has given me false memories and paranoia. Borderline Personality Disorder really needs intensive and specialised therapy, which I am never likely to receive because of the cost.
So I am suffering, and so is everyone I care for.
The thing is, I’ve upset the few friends I have, and I don’t know if I can get it back again, make amends, or be forgiven.
I can only hope.
I guess that time will tell.
your dark dream returns out of love
For some reason I have hardly ever remembered my dreams for a long while. I would like to say that I haven’t been dreaming at all, but I don’t think that’s even possible. I’ll come back to that point in a while. Yesterday morning I did recall the vivid dark dream I had, and I remembered it well enough to describe my dream to a close friend.
Me, wandering alone, in a desolate landscape. It was not some desert, nor an icy wasteland, the desolation was very near and all around where I lived as a young boy, in a coal mining village, in the North East of England. Spoil heaps, abandoned railway tracks, neglected and rusting machinery, an abandoned quarry….. I think I was content in my solitary wandering. Then, after a while I met some people I didn’t know well. There was conflict between us in what seemed like a hospital, or school, or some such other place of officialdom. There was more to the dream but not so well remembered.
For some reason I recalled that dream again late last evening ~ and it was then I remembered I had been having that same or dream for years, perhaps for decades. It is my recurring dream of desolate isolation and conflict with officialdom. And perhaps for the me in my dream officialdom would be my parents, carers, and teachers.
I can do no better here than give you a quote;
Recurring dreams usually mean there is something in your life you’ve not acknowledged that is causing stress of some sort. The dream repeats because you have not corrected the problem. Another theory is that people who experience recurring dreams have some sort of trauma in their past they are trying to deal with. ~ Lee Ann Obringer
I suffer from a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), many doctors, psychologists and the like believe that BPD is the result of childhood trauma that has not been acknowledged and is causing severe stress. My dream may be my subconscious mind telling me that I need to deal with my past, back to when I was a boy, in a pit village, wandering alone in desolation.
The exact details of your recurring dreams does not matter so much because they will change over time. What matters is the emotion, the impression, the theme.
Today I woke at 03:15. I do not remember dreaming. Quite often I wake at about half-past-three in the morning. I believe that I am waking myself just before I am about to experience my recurring dream. I believe I am afraid of what is in my dream, and that something is protecting me, preventing me from having that dark dream tonight.
Some say that they never have dreams. And others say that they can never remember their dreams beyond a few moments. All I know is that my recurring dark dream of desolation and conflict has stayed with me my whole life.
in the dark moonlight
our past returns
a single rose can be my garden ~ a single friend, my world
Many believe that just because they spend a lot of time with someone, then they are friends. Or if they are lovers, then they must also be friends. Or if they just like being with someone, then they must be friends. Perhaps, and perhaps real and true friendship means much more than that.
Generally, two people are drawn together for some very simple and constantly repeating reasons. And the most common of these is that they are co-workers. It’s difficult to spend 8 hours a day with someone without wanting them to be your friend. There are also some good reasons to be friends with your co-workers; like it gives you someone to go to lunch with. On the other hand, I’ve worked very closely with people I hated ~ just couldn’t stand them, and outside of working together saw and spoke to them as little as possible.
Common interests also bring people together, for example liking the same sport, pastime, or hobby. I became friendly with some people I went to a group with, but whether we were real friends is another matter. I also became friends with some guys I played golf with, but outside of a liking golf we had few other things in common, (except we came from the same socio-economic background).
Common interests include some things that will never create true friendships; ‘drinking buddies’, drugs, gambling, casual sex, stealing….. generally things that people do after dark.
Shared values also bring people together, and here the list is long and strange. We can include; truth and honesty, thrift and generosity, the church, religion, human rights, charitable causes, politics, green issues, animal protection, belief in a flat Earth, belief in UFOs, belief in extra-terrestrial civilisations, belief in past lives….. The thing is, if people share the same values they also tend to create groups to support their values and special interests. But, shared values are not enough to create a true friendship, they just bring people together.
Conversely, if two people have very divergent values they can never become true friends.
Of course, one reason people might say they are friends is if they are having sex. Fucking someone doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re friends ~ probably people who just have sex are not real friends. Some marriages might have good sex in them without the partners being true friends.
As far as I’m concerned, before yesterday I was never a true and honest friend with anyone, ever. I suffer from a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, and unless and until you are recovering from that you cannot ever be a real friend to anyone ~ there is just to much boiling shit going on in your mind. Today I know I am recovering from my illness, and today I hope I have 3 friends. Three is a good number.
Some say that honest people never hear the truth. And that very honest people are very impolite. All I know is that real friendship is based on honesty, openness, and trust.
today there is a garden in my life
only in the darkness can you see the moon and stars
when I was ill and I didn’t want to be
I didn’t know what was wrong with me
yet there was a Iight I just couldn’t see
for when I walked down near the sea
the moon and stars were shining on me
when you’re going through the darkness
keep on going
one second I’m perfectly fine, the next I can explode like a volcano
I suffer from a serious mental illness, and there is no cure.
The major symptoms I suffer from are;
- I have a great fear that the people I care for will abandon me and hurt me.
- I suffer from very intense emotions, and mood swings.
- I am an all or nothing, black and white person.
- I do not have a strong sense of self, (and I have no idea what that means).
- I find it extremely hard to make and keep stable relationships.
- I have hurt the people around me.
- I act impulsively and some of the things I do are dangerous.
- I am the original ‘angry man’.
- I suffer from Retroactive Jealousy
- I suffer from disassociation ~ sometimes people, places, and things don’t seem quite real to me. This also means I can suffer from amnesia and false memories.
- I have ‘attempted suicide’ as a cry for help.
- To escape the pain of my symptoms I can drink far too much.
There is no cure for this illness, but with intensive therapy over I long period I could recover. Snag is that the only therapy I’m getting is the therapy I give myself from books and the internet. It’s called self-directed therapy, and it’s the most painful thing I have ever done in my life.
It’s a long and rocky road indeed.