Tag Archives: Borderline Personality Disorder

Gain Self-Belief

Each time we face our fears we gain confidence, self-belief, and freedom.

People have a strong tendency to sabotage themselves when things are going really well in their lives.

It doesn’t really matter how smart you are, how grounded you are, or how much money you have, one of these days you will probably get to a place where everything is cool and fine, and then you’ll fuck foul it up with drink, drugs, prescription and over the counter medication, smoking, gambling, binge eating, casual sex…..  It seems as though we have an in-built belief that we are not really worthy, or good enough, or nice enough to have all that success and all those good feelings.  We aren’t comfortable with standing out among our family, friends, and peers ~ and this belief that we don’t deserve our own success is something that we learn in early childhood, before we are seven years old.  Our parents, care-givers, and siblings are to blame for that.

Also, very early on in life, many of us learn to believe that we are unworthy of love.  We learn that we don’t deserve to be loved by others, we learn how not to love ourselves, we learn to believe that we don’t deserve to get all the good stuff that life has to offer.  We continually judge ourselves, criticise ourselves, and fall prey to negative thinking and negative beliefs.

In the extreme these negative feelings and beliefs lead to something called Borderline Personality Disorder, and that creates no end of troubles; paranoia, fear of abandonment, addiction, boozing, reckless behaviours, depression, bi-polar disorder…..

It takes real genius, strong will, self-honesty, openness, and willingness to escape from these dark negative places.

First of all we need to understand love and what it means.  The belief that stops us from fully embracing the love of others and accepting self-love is the negative expectation that it’s all going to turn to crap eventually, and whoever offers love to us is going to abandon us anyway.  Usually that means we will push others away from us, and the denial of love becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The same things happen with anything and everything else we want, need, and desire; money, health, enlightenment, friendships, personal growth, freedom to do what we really want to do…..

And all of these negative beliefs and thought patterns are imposed upon our subconscious minds in childhood, which of course means we learn to believe all this crap from our parents, the rest of our families, other care-givers, teachers, older children…..

To escape from an unsuccessful, unfulfilled, ultimately unhappy life we need to be willing to throw aside our past and instead build a future which truly reflects the unique, lovable, loving person we are.  If you talk about your past you are just reliving all the negative crap, no matter what gloss your subconscious mind tries to put on all the shit you used to do.

Most people aren’t truly willing to take that monumental leap ~ in fact I don’t know anyone who is.

Do what you’ve always done and you’ll get what you always got.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

you may believe all this smoking, drinking, and sitting at the bar is cool

 

Tunes on Tuesday ~ Why Do I Go To Extremes?

Whatever men attempt, they seem driven to overdo ~  Bernard Baruch

That’s certainly always been true for me.

Please listen responsibly.

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Urban Survival Skills for Men

Being alone should hold no terrors for a man.

It’s pretty unlikely that I’m ever going to be stranded on a desert island, get lost in the jungle, or dumped in the middle of the outback.  But, I’ve been lost and alone in an urban jungle many, many times.  Today, as I write this I’m alone in my apartment with some cool music playing on my hi-fi ~ I’m alone in a modern jungle and I know that every single day I will need all of my hard-learned skills to survive and prosper.

The very, very first hard lesson I learned about being alone and lonely is that staying locked up in one’s own home, bolting the door, and nailing it shut, does not help at all.  Doing your shopping at two in the morning at the all-night supermarket, only interacting with other people via the internet, never opening one’s post ~ well that’s just pathetic.  However tempting it may be to utterly cut oneself off from the world, it’s not a good plan.

What I learned was;

  • Stop drinking.  Booze just makes everything much worse.
  • Don’t spend money you don’t have, and never borrow a penny.
  • Don’t gamble.  Gambling is for suckers and sluts.  The house always wins in the end.
  • Get out of bed, get showered, shaved, shampoo your hair, get dressed in clean clothes.
  • Junk all the rags you’ve been wearing for years, go shopping and buy some stylish new stuff.  Don’t shop in thrift / goodwill stores because you will look like a used tramp.
  • Get some fresh air and exercise, every single day.  Start by forcing yourself to walk for an hour a day.  Then force yourself to do the 10,000 steps a day thing, and maybe go to the gym 3 or 4 days a week.
  • Go travelling into the sunshine.
  • Talk to people.  Especially a guy should talk to women ~ and not in a creepy way.
  • Do something creative.  I write this blog.

Life can be good, no matter what has gone before.  But the thing is, you have to show up.  Mostly Life will not come to you, mostly you have to at least meet Life half way.

Today I am a very cool guy, living a great life.  And you know why that is?  Because I say it is.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

fly me away

The Sins of the Fathers

The sins of the fathers will be visited upon the children…..

Our parents told us to be wise, look ahead, be strong, don’t look back, get a job, be cool…..  That’s if we were lucky.  If we were unlucky they mostly ignored us, left us to fend for ourselves while they were out doing adult things.  If we were very unlucky we witnessed a dysfunctional relationship, totally filled with an utter lack of love.  For some it was worse than that, with one of their parents being an abusive alcoholic while the other merely acted as an enabler.  There will be blood on the lawns of those homes.

Children who had abusive parents, or were from dysfunctional families, would grow up with all kinds of mental problems; Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Depression.  Alcoholism, drugs, gambling, and other addictions are also common among adults who suffer from mental health problems created in their childhood.  The likelihood is that they will struggle with their own psychological and spiritual problems for all of their adult lives, mirroring the lives of their parents.  They too will find themselves in dysfunctional or abusive relationships, treatment centres, rehabilitation centres. and hospitals of one kind or another for one reason or another.  If they are wise they will not have children of their own.

I know this because I have suffered some of this, and I have also known many people who have suffered a less than ideal childhood and have turned out to be less than perfect adults and parents.  Sadly many of the suffering people I used to know are dead; alcoholism, drug use, accidents, sundry medical problems, suicide…..

If you’re suffering from anything I’ve mentioned above, you will also know that the caring professions are mostly fucking damn useless at helping people with mental illnesses or addictions of any kind.  You may get talking therapies, and you will probably be prescribed all kinds of nasty medication, neither of which will be of much help.  You may have tried 12-step recovery groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon.  Not many stick around these 12-step groups for long.  But there is something that helped me.

One thing often said in these 12-step groups is; ‘fake it until you make it’, or ‘fake it to make it’.  In other words if what you want to be is a kind, caring, sober person, then ‘act as if’ you were that person.  This technique is widely accepted in the field of Neuro Linguistic Programming.  And, keep telling yourself; ‘I am a kind, caring, sober guy’.  If you believe it, then you actually are that guy.  Self-talk does work.

It turns out that I believe my own self-talk ~ ‘I’m a cool and charismatic guy, living a really great life’.  I can be anyone and anything I want to be.  I can manifest any kind of life I want, need, desire, or dream of ~ providing I don’t give in to lusts or base emotions.

There has been blood in my garden, blood helps the flowers grow.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

in your race for self-destruction

stop to smell the flowers

Haunted Abandonment

enchanted lust is as a candle under a dark moon

night soon

hard as stone

dry as a bone

far as the moon

she left me alone

the enchantress crone

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

dangerous women attract me

and yet

I suffer an abnormal fear of abandonment

Remember, Remember

Remember the 5th of November, Treason and Gunpowder Plot

Today England, London, remembers the 1605 Catholic Plot by Guy Fawkes and his cronies to blow up the Houses of Parliament while King James the First, the Lord’s, and Members of Parliament were all in there.  The plot failed and Guy Fawkes was sentenced to death by being hung, drawn, and quartered.  Luckily for Fawkes he either fell, or was pushed, from the scaffold before his sentence could be carried out.

England still celebrates Guy Fawkes death to this very day.  The English are obsessive when it comes to remembering things.

I Remember…..  I am blessed / cursed with a near ‘eidetic memory’ – I hardly ever forget anything, except names which I seem to forget on purpose  This says a lot about my psyche and the Borderline Personality Disorder that goes along with it.

On the upside, this makes me very effective, efficient, organised…..  The penalties are that I remember every hurt, betrayal, and negative emotion as though these bad things were happening right now.  I become angry, jealous, paranoid, and almost suicidal over things that happened days, weeks, years ago.  This leads me into doing really stupidly bad things just to assuage the hurt.

Nobody can be happy living the way I was living.  It’s hard enough just to go on existing if you are living the way I was.

I tried to teach myself to forget.  That did not work.

Instead I taught myself how to accept and understand.  Accept that shit happens, and understand that past trauma cannot actually hurt me in the here and now.

How did I teach myself to let go of the past?  Through a lot of hard work, patience, and self-love.  I took care of my health and fitness in body, mind, and spirit.  And finally I learned to be open, honest, and forgiving of myself and others.

I will write more of my journey from the hellish rock-bottom I managed to reach, to the sunlit  meadow by the sea that I live in today.

Some say that we should never forgive and never forget.  And that revenge is a dish best served cold.  All I know is that nobody likes an obnoxious, misanthropic, angry jerk.

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Mr. Hyde is a dangerous place to be

Getting what you want

Life is too short to waste and too long to endure.

Being on vacation gives one time to ponder deep thoughts, and right now I need to focus on the small steps I can take to improve my life.  Because, despite what you might think, not everything in my garden is sunshine and flowers.  Sometimes the flowers wilt, and often the sky is grey.

I’m pretty certain I know who I truly am and what I want, up to and including defining and fulfilling my life purpose, but how do I make it all happen in ways that are congruent with me and acceptable to the important others in my life?

It would seem to be about courage, having faith in myself, and really taking positive actions – however difficult the warrior’s path may seem that’s the way I need to go.  It’s time to get more clarity and investigate the important commitments in this present period in my journey.

I need to stop acting emotionally, because my emotions are seldom under control.  Instead I should act intellectually because I have, and can use, all the accumulated information / knowledge to get exactly what I want, need, and desire.  That’s not always going to be a comfortable process.

But, you know what?  I am much happier, and work better when I am well outside of my comfort zone.  For example I should have gone parasailing in Turkey, instead of just taking pictures of it.

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

I will do this next year

Recovering From Addictions

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter if it’s alcohol or marijuana

In yesterday’s post 10 things successful people do, I said that successful people stay healthy and overcome their addictions ~ well, it’s impossible to stay healthy in the long-term if you have a drugs habit, drink too much, or smoke.  Alcoholism, drug abuse, and smoking will all kill you, especially if you are prey to all three.  Most addicts have multiple addictions.  Add gambling into the mix and you will die a horrible death, after you have lost everything you have.

There are NO exceptions to that rule.

You may think that you drink a little bit, use pot or coke just now and again, take a few too many of your prescription drugs, smoke the odd cigarette when you’re feeling stressed or happy, go to Vegas to gamble every once in a while…..  It could be you have a problem you’re not admitting to yourself, and lying about to everyone else.

Denial is not a river in Egypt.  Denial will kill you.

The very first step in overcoming an addiction is to admit that you have a problem.   The first step in all 12 step recovery groups is to honestly admit that you have a problem.  Your problem with booze, drugs, smoking, gambling, unsafe casual sex, erotica, pornography, dangerous pastimes, sugar, food….. may not be so bad ~ YET.  Let me tell you, your problem will only get worse, unless you do something about it.   And what you have to do is STOP drinking, smoking, using drugs, gambling, or whatever.

There is no such thing as controlled drinking, drug abuse, gambling…..

And, if you cannot stop, and if you still lie about it to yourself and others, then you are a true alcoholic, drug addict, compulsive gambler, long-term chain smoker, and you’re going to lose everything you have, and die horribly.  Things may only be a little bit rocky now, but that’s ok for you, missing work once in a while isn’t so bad.  Let me tell you, it is going to get worse if you do not completely stop drinking, using, smoking, gambling…..

No matter how bad thing are now, they will get worse.

What to do?  A good start is to go and see your doctor, and tell him / her that you have a problem.  But, the chances are that, unless you have an exceptional doctor, they’re not going to be much help.  Do Not just accept more medication from your doctor ~ drugs in any form are bad for you.  Also, the chances are that if you have a propensity to addiction, then you also have an underlying psychological problem.  What you probably need is ‘talking therapy’ to deal with your underlying Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD……

Admit you have a problem, and talk to people who understand.

From bitter personal experience I can tell you that there are only two things that work when it comes to recovering from the problems of an addiction;

  1. Completely stop drinking, using, smoking, gambling, binge eating…..
  2. Talk with people who truly understand.  Ask for their help.

If you are an addict, then you will never, ever be cured, all you can do is begin to recover from your addiction.  You will never be able to go back to drinking, or whatever…..

Some say that being an addict means that you are a morally weak degenerate lunatic.  And, that all addicts are hopeless cases who will just die sooner rather than later.  All I know is that it is possible to begin to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder and Alcoholism.

(further reading;  The Big Book of AA, The Road Less Travelled, Under The Influence.)

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

addicts are not lunatics,

but they may well have a psychological problem

 

must I always be alone?

the basic nature of a man is constructive, faithful, and trustworthy

If you have been following this blog, you will know that, over the past few years, circumstances, and my own stubborn nature, converged with my incipient depression to create a weird and unsustainable view of life for me.  Not only that, I was also suffering from vicious, undiagnosed, and untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and that blessed me with paranoia and a morbid fear of abandonment.

Add those things together and what happened was that I became an agoraphobic, anti-social, celibate, friendless, psychotic recluse.

My door stayed locked, I seldom left my apartment, I avoided meeting people, the telephone remained unanswered, and I deleted unread any emails I received.  Quite honestly, I may as well have been dead as to live that kind of non-life.

It took years, and I do mean years, for me to begin to break out of my self-made prison.

My escape started because I like to write, I wasn’t writing anything, and so I went to a writers’ group, met a few people, and even spoke to them without my being stabbed, attacked, denigrated…..  And then I started to write this blog ~ and trust me to begin with it was terrible.  Yet, an amazingly articulate woman in California found something that she liked in the way I wrote.  And, as things happen, we became long-distance, online friends.

Those of you who have been in a long-distance relationship will know that it’s fraught with problems, and my friendship with this cool Californian woman is probably no better or worse than most relationships that started on-line.  As you would expect from a guy with Borderline Personality Disorder in their background, I became obsessed with her, had unrealistic expectations, and did stupidly impulsive things.  I was not constructive, reliable, nor trustworthy.  None of that was helpful.

My good fortune is that I spent some time with a therapist, my doctor, and a psychiatrist.  The general consensus of their opinion was that I had been suffering from BPD, but I was mostly recovered ~ at the time that was all news to me, (I even had to look up what the hell Borderline Personality Disorder was).

But, if I was mostly recovered I could start to live my life the way I wanted, and not the way a serious mental illness was telling me to exist.

Ergo, I am on a journey of self-awareness, self-discovery, self-development, and self-improvement.  Now I mostly say and do what I think is right, and those that don’t like it can just feck off and have a nice day, and please don’t keep in touch.  That new and more assertively honest attitude of mine has ruffled a few feathers ~ but I’m never going back to being that agoraphobic, anti-social, celibate, friendless, obsessive, psychotic recluse.

Maybe I need to find some new friends, and maybe I’ll be alone again for a while.

Some say that a friend in need is a friend indeed.  And that you should choose your friends wisely.  All I know is that I’d rather be alone than have fair-weather friends.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

at least I have a friend in Marmaduke

and he’s always ready for anything

Living Within Lies

We live in a world of illusions and fantasies, lies and deceptions.

In my life I have often seen and heard what I wanted to see and hear, not what was really there at all.  I was never willing to separate fact from my own fictions, to see what was actually going on around me.  And yet, for relationships and connections to endure, reality and truth must be embraced whole-heartedly, one cannot go on looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses.

Consequently I oft-times found myself walking down dead-end streets and staying with totally dysfunctional relationships.  I missed the many good opportunities the universe was sending me, any of which could have transformed my life.  Being faithful and steadfast is all very well, but not when I was living within a tissue of lies and falsehoods.  Being generous and kind is all very well, but not when I was pouring time, money, and love into a bottomless well and receiving little or nothing in return.

Ultimately, my behaviour was negative and destructive of my own self-awareness, self-confidence, and self-esteem.  Through not really facing the truth I would become paranoid, suspicious, jealous, frustrated, and angry.

Today I am ready to accept and understand the mistakes of the past, end the chapter, close the book, and allow progress and positive growth to happen.  For that I need complete self-honesty and better self-awareness.  Only then will real change lift me emotionally and spiritually out of the darkness that sometimes surrounds me ~ washing over me like a cold wave in the depths of a grey autumn.

Parts of my dark psyche still linger from my past negative behaviour; anger, bad temper, marginal propensity to alcoholism, pain, jealousy, frustration, resentments, selfishness, impulsiveness…..

This October, when my opposite and partner star-sign of Libra is in the ascendant, I can see clearly the person I used to be, the person I am now, and the man I shall become.  I am more than just the two-dimensional image that stares back at me from the mirror.  Now I am wiser, more open and ready to see change in my life.  The lessons that must be learned are how to understand and accept the truth and not surrender to illusions.

Some say that change is bad, and today should be the same as yesterday, while tomorrow should be pretty much the same as today.  And that they are perfectly happy living mundane and routine lives.  All I know is that I can and will separate truth from fiction.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

though it may twist and turn, the warrior’s path goes onwards and upwards

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