Tag Archives: Borderline Personality Disorder

Naming My Fears

Paranoia; an extreme feeling that people are lying to me.

There is no such thing as paranoia.  Your worst fears can come true at any moment.  ~ Hunter S. Thompson.

We are all conditioned by our past.  We have all been conditioned by society.  We have all learned to be afraid.  Our parents, our carers, our siblings, and all of society taught us to be afraid.

We learned negative thought, and we learned character defects like; anxiety, cowardice, denial, distrust, evasiveness, frustration, guilt, hatred, immorality, insecurity, pessimism, possessiveness, promiscuity, self-pity, and worry.  All of these character defects are manifestations of fear.

It has been a massive shock to me to realise and accept just how afraid I have been for most of my life.

My greatest fear ~ fear of abandonment.  I was a small, premature baby, placed in an incubator immediately after birth.  Before I was five years old my maternal grandmother, my principal carer, left me.  She had passed away.

My second greatest fear ~ that people are lying to me.  My parents didn’t tell me that my nan had died, I thought she had abandoned me.  My parents’ lying by omission, and telling me half-truths, destroyed my capacity to trust anyone.

Half a truth is often a great lie.  ~  Benjamin Franklin

My third greatest fear ~ that I am not good enough, that I do everything wrong, that I am useless.  I thought my nan had left me because I had been a bad boy, that I just wasn’t good enough for her anymore.  Since then I have always felt second-best.

Because of that trauma in my formative years I have always been afraid of getting things wrong, and of being mocked for making mistakes.  I have been morbidly afraid of rejection, which has resulted in all of my relationships with women becoming utterly dysfunctional.  I am deeply afraid of developing a close relationship with an attractive and sexual woman.

Good girls go to heaven,  Bad girls go everywhere.  ~  Mae West

Because of my childhood trauma, I believe that every women I have had a close relationship with has lied to me, and I am afraid that negative belief also means that I cannot even know truth from falsehoods.  In my own life I attempt to be dedicated to the truth, but to be a truthful man in a world of liars is to live in a very scary place.  And, as we all know, everybody lies all the time.

Keeping secrets from someone is no different from lying to them.  It’s still dishonest.   And I am deeply afraid of dishonesty.

Perhaps due to the traumas I experienced before I was 5 years old, for most of my life I have suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a serious mental illness that brings with it it’s very own set of fears.  Happily, I am mostly in recovery from BPD.

Some say that we are all afraid of change because we fear the unknown.  And that our fears are there to protect us from really bad things happening to us.  All I know is that if I keep on doing what I’ve always done, then I’ll get what I always got.

I don’t believe in fate or destiny.  I believe in various degrees of fear, paranoia, and abandonment.  ~  Henry Rollins.

To recover from paranoia and fear I am working on healing the causes of my problems, rather than the symptoms.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

no matter how much you deceive yourself,

you have to know that she has always lied to you.

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Feeling Weird

the angst of solitude, where you’re alone with the cosmos.

I have just been through the Dark Night of the Soul.

Last evening I felt very strange ~ for no readily apparent reason.

Mentally I was quite depressed and melancholy, with a feeling of deep angst thrown in.

My thoughts were wandering into dark places I didn’t want to go ~ places that in the past would certainly have driven me towards strong drink as a way of escape from my own tortured mind.

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.  ~  George Bernard Shaw.

Physically I felt weak, my arms and legs were as heavy as lead, and I had severe peripheral neuropathy in my hands and forearms.

It is said that our feelings are kept in our body, and that if we don’t deal with those feelings they will surface as physical symptoms ~ particularly if those feelings are causing undue stress.

Overall, this was extremely painful and mentally uncomfortable ~ I had to reach out to a close friend for support.

I believe that what is going on with me, both mentally and physically, is due to all the introspection I’ve experienced through diligently working through the Hay House World Summit programme.  And let me tell you, twenty hours of this in a week is a lot of work.

This is all to the good.  It means that I’m not wasting my time with all these audio lessons and films.  It means that deep down in my subconscious I’m turning over the dead earth of my past traumas, character defects, and negativity.  It means that I am creating a new and better view of myself, my relationships, the world, and the cosmos.

It may be that I am truly walking the warrior’s path.

At least I sincerely hope and believe that’s what is happening to me.

Spiritually, mentally, and physically I still feel like crap today.  However, sometimes there has to be a little pain along the way before we get to those sunlit meadows of inner peace.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

I am not my emotions

From time to time the darkness would overwhelm me.

It turns out that I am an emotional being, which is an unwanted paradigm shift for a taciturn and repressed English guy like me.  And yet, for much of my recent life I have been completely defined and driven by powerful emotions.

From time to time my psyche would spiral down a dark hole into a place where I became angry, jealous, manipulative, paranoid, resentful, unreasonable…  filled with negative thoughts and feelings.

These emotions would hit me out of nowhere, coming from deep within my subconscious mind, usually when my conscious guard was down ~ because I was tired, stressed, had been drinking, or someone close had lied to me, or perhaps just because something had gone slightly wrong in my life.

And these intense, darkly negative emotions could often drive a complete change in my personality, turning me from a rational and sociable man into an irrational and dangerous Mr. Hyde.

One thing you can’t hide ~ is when you’re crippled inside.  ~  John Lennon.

The reality is that intensely negative and darkly dangerous emotions are driven by fear, and in my case probably a paranoid fear of abandonment created by the Borderline Personality Disorder I have suffered from for most of my life.

Fear is powerful, deep, affecting the most primeval part of our psyche, what Freud calls the id.  And fear generates the equally powerful fight or flight reflex.  At my darkest I would fight by attacking people verbally and in writing, and run away into a bottle of booze.  Neither of these reflex actions was in the least useful to me.

What I needed was a strategy which allowed me to accept my negative emotions without allowing their destructive power to ruin my relationships and my life ~ wanting to find a suitable way to check out of life is not good.

What I needed was to be more emotionally stable and resilient.

It turns out that emotionally resilient people have some important things in common.  Emotionally stable and resilient people;

  1. Are Realists.  Grounded.  Optimists are soon disappointed and easily lose hope.  Realists make the best they can of the ‘Now’.
  2. Have Faith.  Believe in something greater than themselves, something greater than whatever bad situation they may find themselves in.
  3. Are extremely and radically creative.
  4. Have a support network of close friends, doctors, counsellors, 12-step groups…
  5. Have a great, but usually weird and warped, sense of humour.

These are all things that I could invent for myself.  I can grow and develop these character traits that actually exist in all of us.  Each day I have been able to further manifest these character traits within myself.  Every hour I have become more emotionally stable and resilient.

One ought to hold onto one’s heart; for if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head too.  ~  Friedrich Nietzsche.

Life goes on, and I do not have to allow my emotions to control me.

Although my emotions are an important part of me, I AM NOT MY EMOTIONS.

Some say that negative emotions have an important role to play in a happy life.  And that negative emotions are telling you that you need to change and transform yourself.  All I know is that you can turn things around and control how your emotions affect you.

Life does not have to be perfect to be good.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

you don’t have to be alone

Life is out there waiting for you, so show up.

empowering

better, smarter, stronger

collaborate, persevere, longer

wanting, needing, dreaming, deeper

close friend, partner, motivator, supporter

purpose, planning, decisions, actions, deliver

balance, harmony, confidence, calm, peace, living

so lonely and alone no longer

~

jack collier

email:   jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

just a solitary traveller, meditating

How To Be Lucky

Luck is great, but most of Life is hard work.

The hard truth is that we make our own luck.  If you want to be lucky enough to witness a brilliant sunrise, then you have to get yourself out of bed before dawn.  If you want to be lucky enough live your life’s dreams you must first know what you want and then do something to get it.  If you want to really live Life, then show up.

I want a better life, I need to be a better man, I want to live my dreams.  A few short weeks ago I was in the depths of Hell.  Walking the hard road up from yet another rock bottom, these are a Magnificent Seven Truths I have been shown.  These things have helped me find my luck, perhaps they may help you too.

  1. Self-Awareness.  Know yourself.  Be congruent and grounded in your own truth.  Know that you are unique and that you have unique skills and abilities.  Understand your own power.
  2. Know where you want to go.  Chart your course.  Dream your dreams.  Discover what you really need, want, and desire.  Create a vision board, or mind map, or just make a list.  If you don’t know what you want, then Be Brave.  Stop asking others what you should do, and don’t do anything that others may want you to do if it doesn’t match your own truth.  Change I should to I want.
  3. Do Something.  Take some action.  Get off your ass and do something to realise your wants, needs, desires, and dreams, even if it’s just making a plan, or writing a daily journal.  ~  just don’t do things that you don’t need to do.  Change should to could.  If you can get others to do things for you then use their unique skills and talents.  Let the Cosmos work for you too.
  4. Leverage the Magic.  Use your dreams, thoughts, words, and deeds.  Have the best attitude you possibly can.  Nobody likes an impatient, driven, aggressive, competitive, egotistical, unforgiving and manipulative jerk.
  5. Believe in yourself.  Be more congruent.  Make certain that your inner beliefs match your needs, wants, desires, and dreams.  If you don’t believe then you can’t achieve.  If you don’t believe then you certainly will have no luck at all.
  6. Engage the Magic.  Make a start on living your dreams.  Do something positive, even if it’s just a very small thing.  The greatest journey starts with that first baby step.
  7. Be adaptable.  After you have taken some action, look at what happened.  If what you did didn’t get you what you want, then do something else instead.  If you do what you always did, then you will get what you always got. A definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Scientifically, and mathematically there is no such thing as luck.  So, if you want to be lucky in life, if you want to take advantage of random chances, if you want the good things to come to you, then work at living your dreams.

The harder I practice, the luckier I get.  ~  Gary Player

Here’s the thing, should I want to, I can win money playing cards.  That isn’t because I’m lucky, it’s because I’ve studied Hoyle, probability theory, and statistics, I can work out odds in my head, and I’m a natural card-counter.  Some say that’s cheating, it certainly isn’t luck.

Try to stay focused.  Keep your eyes on the prize.  Don’t get drawn into fighting the alligators when you really want to be draining the swamp.

Some say that life’s hard and nothing ever goes right for them.  And, that they never have any luck, their whole life is a train wreck.  All I know is that the harder and smarter I try, the luckier I get.

The road goes anywhere and everywhere you want, but you have to get out there and be prepared to enjoy the journey.

Create your own luck, and then ride it hard.

~

jack collier

email:   jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

the long dark midnight of the spirit

Time is an illusion; Happy Hour doubly so.

There was once a time when I was very good at altering the Cosmos I lived in to match up with the way I wished it to be, rather than the way it truly was.  For most of the time I could pretend that things were much better for me than they really were, but no illusion can last forever.  Ergo, every once in a while stark reality crashed through the violet light of my fantasy, and each time that happened was more painful than the one before.  It got so that the only ways I could find to escape the pain of reality were even more destructive than suffering the pain.

My life was mostly getting worse.

I did have good times, and the good times could last for hours, days, weeks…  But even my good times were falsehoods, illusions.  I would shape reality to match my own attitudes, perceptions, and preconceptions.

Reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.  ~  Albert Einstein

Maybe that’s OK for some, but not for me, not with all my psychological problems.  I was shaping my reality to cope with my own defects of character, and that isn’t living, that is just a different kind of escape into just another nightmare.  And every nightmare was worse than the one before, until eventually I was suffering the long dark midnight of my spirit.  And midnight is not the darkest hour.

The darkest hour is just before the dawn.  ~  Thomas Fuller

No matter how far I had fallen, there was still much farther I could fall, unless I chose another way.

A little while ago, and with a little help from a close friend, it became plain that I needed to find new ways of thinking, doing, and being.  I had to stop running away and trying to join the circus:~ wherever I went, whatever I did, I always took myself with me.

I had to stop being Mr Know It All, and I had to find a way to stop myself from becoming Mr. Hyde.

Perhaps I have found something, a new way of being.  Perhaps I have found a way to make meaningful and lasting changes in my life.  It’s not going to be a one-time thing, and my future is not going to be easy, but then most of my past was fucking terrible.  So, my choices are simple; freedom from pain and suffering for myself and all those around me, or walk the dark path down into hell again?

Some say that a good friend will help you to move.  And, that a very good friend will help you to move a dead body.  All I know is that I don’t want that body to be mine ~ not for a good while yet.

If, as Einstein says, the Cosmos is really an illusion, then it follows that happiness is a choice ~ that most people can be just as happy as they choose to be.

Today and tomorrow I choose happiness over misery.

I choose sunlight over the dark moon at midnight.

~

jack collier               jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Fear and Trepidation

Earlier this year I had the deepest fear of being alone in the garret over this Festive Holiday Season ~ that I would be filled with introspective dark and negative thoughts and feelings of self-loathing, pointlessness, depression, anxiety, and abandonment.  Well I am alone in the garret, but it’s not turning out like that at all.  I feel damn good, and while there is introspection, it’s neither dark nor negative.  On the contrary I feel positive and empowered.  I have faced and understood my fears ~ most of which came from my early childhood anyway.  My fears cannot overrun me now.

The deep introspection is there, along with much self-awareness and self-study.  Monday December 11th, while possibly being the most psychologically painful day of my life, was also a cathartic epiphany for me.  There are new beginnings turning to a new direction.  I believe these new beginnings are a spiritual regeneration for my soul.  I am aware that my personality is expanding, turning towards goodness, emotional stability, self-awareness, self-confidence, and well-being.  With the help of the Dreambook and Planner I am learning who I am, and discovering who I can become.  I am beginning to understand the lessons given to me, and through that I am becoming the master of my own life.

It is a new dawn for me.

 ~
jack collier
jackcollier7@talktalk.net

the grim, the bad, and the unholy

Wisdom cures so many things, except loves lost forever.

adulteress betrayal cuckold dreaming

erotic flirtatious gratuitous harlot

infidelities juicy kissable lusting

men naughty occult provoking

qualmless rape scary tart

unholy vixen witch

xeno-yearning

zoophile

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

the converse of this post will appear soon

 

Rhythms of Insanity

Don’t be ashamed of your story ~ it will inspire others.

When nothing is ventured, nothing is gained, so what’s the sense of running away from your own life.  The good things just don’t fall out of the sky, they have to be worked for.  But we have to do the right things, at the right time, in the right place, with the right people.  Trying to force the best that Life has to offer doesn’t ever work ~ we have to work with the rhythms of the Cosmos, and not against the flow of the tides.

The great rhythms of nature, today so dully disregarded, wounded even, have their spacious and primeval liberty…..  Journeying birds alight here and fly away again all unseen, schools of fish move beneath the waves, the surf flings its spray against the sun.  ~  Henry Beston.

Little did I realise when I was an overpaid and overworked international banker how little I saw of nature.  What I saw were offices, the inside of cars, trains and ‘planes, hotels, airports, other offices, and city streets.  I earned a hell of a lot of money, but money is a false God, and money never made me happy.  Today I can be happy to walk by the sea, to look at the sky, to enjoy the vast curve of a distant horizon, to listen to the murmur of the surf and the mournful cries of the gulls.  Cars, trains, and ‘planes still have their place in my life, but now it’s only a minor element of who I am ~ cities are no longer the be-all and end-all.

Perhaps it is the night of despair where you are, and I am certain that you are not sleeping soundly.  If you are dreaming at all, I hope you are having sweet and pleasant dreams, but I’m certain that you are not.  I am certain your dreams are weird and disturbing, turning into nightmares.  Try and leave those night-terrors behind you for a while.  There are enough nightmares in the real world without us having to suffer them during our sleep.

The world turns, it may be day-time here, night-time where you are, and somewhere the dawn is breaking and the birds are awakening.  The Cosmos is like a giant time-piece, it has a rhythm of its own ~ the Cosmos keeps its own time.  Be aware, just like the rhythms of a friendship and love between two people change and develop, so the Cosmos is a continual state of change.  We need to enjoy the moonlight while we wait for the sunrise.

We are a part of the Cosmos, we are where our physical bodies are, but our spirits are everywhere.  We exist in this time, but we also exist in a myriad of pasts and possible futures.  I want, need, and desire that the future that awaits me is chosen from the best of all possible alternative realities.  I can close my eyes and imagine ideal pasts, presents, and futures, and in all of them I hope I can spend some cool times with people I care for, cherish, and love.

We are made of starstuff.  We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.  ~  Carl Sagan

What have we dreamed and who have we lost?  In my ideal times we are entirely friendly, trusting, honest, open, caring and loving.  You know what?  I don’t think that it’s too much for me to pray to the Goddess to help me to attain my own earthly versions of nirvana.  It may seem strange to you but I pray to the mother goddess, and in her form incarnate; Aphrodite.  I dream of he Goddess Aphrodite, still looking for the place where we belong together.

I am excited about where I can go in time and space, in friendship, love, and sensual pleasure.  The cool things I could possibly do, and the cool places I could visit.  It’s about being able to fly, about having the courage to live life to the fullest, to enjoy every moment of every day.  Someday soon I will build a tiny trailer, and someday after that I will build something much more ambitious, like a school-bus RV, or a tiny home in someplace beautiful, with a wonderful view of the dawn and sunset.

Shit happens all the time, but one has to remember that; as there is no growth without suffering, there can be no pleasure without pain.  There is a reason we were brought to this life, all we have to do is trust and take one small step in time.  Such are my beliefs.

It’s not all sweet and elegant lies.  Shit happens, but Magic happens too.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Recovery is possible ~ but first one has to admit that there is a problem.

On Offending People.

I you’re not offending someone, you’re not doing your job.

Yesterday evening I started to write a post for today ~ or rather I began 3 different posts, and scrapped all of them.  All three of those posts would have offended some of the people who follow my blog, and some of my close friends, so I junked all of those questionable posts.

I believe in absolute freedom of expression.  Everyone has a right to be offended.  ~  Taslima Nasrin

If you have followed my blog for any length of time you will know that I don’t shy away from offending some people, but the people I’m happy to offend deserve whatever they get, and more.  I have no problem being offensive to Bankers, Politicians, Government Officials ~ and on Monday of this week I was offensive toward the disgusting sex-pests, perverts, paedophiles, and rapists who work for some ‘Big Charities’ such as Oxfam.

I’m not happy to offend the innocent who just happen to do, (or have done), some things I profoundly disagree with. That would be cruel, hurtful,  hypocritical, mendacious, and vicious of me.

I try to practice ‘mindfulness’ every time I encounter a stressful feeling or negative emotion, of I am challenged by my own anger.  Mindfulness grounds me in the present and stops me obsessing about the past.  I can look at my feelings as though I am an uninvolved observer, rather than being at the centre of the maelstrom. That way I can act and react in a balanced and thoughtful way.

So, instead of what I intended to write about, which in each of the three cases would have been stressful, challenging, negative, and emotive ~ I’m going to tell you how I came to the decision that writing about this stuff would have been a bad idea.

These days I try to live a kind, mindful, self-aware, and spiritual existence ~ bringing inner peace and happiness to myself and those around me.  Offending innocent people for no good reason than my own instant gratification is not living an ethical and spiritual existence.

I try to be accepting, understanding, and supportive to those around me.  I do my best to live a mindful life.  I work very hard at walking the warrior’s path to ultimate truth and inner peace.  I profoundly believe  that as I give to the world, so I shall receive in return.

Ergo, publishing a blog which I knew would upset and hurt some people, which would make them think that I was actually attacking them, was not who I am trying to be today.  In any event, I am not perfect within myself.

When you are offended at any person’s fault, turn to yourself and study our own failings.  Then you will forget your anger.  ~  Epictetus

I want to make good changes in my relationships, my behaviours, habits, and routines ~ attacking someone, or a group of people, is neither good nor positive.  So, I decided that I just wasn’t going to do it.

And you know what?  I feel better for not publishing any of those three negative, emotive, and judgmental posts.

The posts I had half written, and then trashed were about Borderline Personality Disorder, casual sex with strangers, and the medicinal use of marijuana.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

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