Tag Archives: Borderline Personality Disorder

Confessions and Mistakes

How many bad decisions seemed like a good idea at the time?

Over the years I’ve made some really bad decisions.  From time to time I got angry and subsequently did some reprehensible things I now regret.   I have reacted with nasty spite when I should have stayed calm, and I’ve felt resentful for no good reason, which usually turned me into a dangerous Mr. Hyde or a rabid black dog.

And when he was good he was very, very good,  but when he was bad he was horrid.  ~  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Not every time things went badly pear-shaped was my fault.  Not every person I’ve hurt was an innocent bystander.  Some of the people I’ve had uncharitable thoughts about actually deserved my condemnation.  And there have been some people I wouldn’t cross the road to spit on.  But, and here’s the thing, all the time I was an angry, judgemental, resentful, dangerous bastard person, I was still suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, and / or, Bipolar Disorder.  I was always afraid, and I was always running away.

Add the whole lot together, all the anger, resentments, mental illness, and it’s not surprising that I used to be hypercritical, lacking in understanding, and totally unwilling to accept anyone who didn’t measure up to my warped standards.  It’s not surprising that from time to time I could hurt the ones I love.  Sometimes the only things I was good at was causing pain and heartache.

It only takes one word to hurt a woman, a matter of seconds, one stupid, impatient sting of the whip.  But winning back her trust takes years.  And sometimes there isn’t the time.  ~  Nina George

I have actually made a list of all the people I believe I have hurt over the years, (that’s the difficult step 8 in 12 step programmes), and thought about the what, why, when, how, where, and if of making amends to those people.  Of my original list I’ve crossed off some names, because I’m not a saint, so I’m not making amends to everyone I’ve wronged.  And, I’ve underlined some other names, of women I really do need to make immediate, meaningful, and lasting amends to.  (my Goddess Aphrodite and The Girl Riding Shotgun spring to mind.)  But as the quote from Nina George says, sometimes rebuilding trusting relationships takes years.

I have spoken in haste too often, spoken from negative and dark emotions too often, and been thoughtless too often.  But, the recent paradigm shift that I experienced from being way outside of my comfort zone for a week should mean that I don’t make those enraged mistakes again.

Some say there is no such thing as a mistake or a bad decision.  And that the consequences of a really bad decision are a learning opportunity.  All I know is that if I go off the rails there is going to be a painful disaster, and someone will get hurt ~usually including me.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Nobody likes to be with a dangerous jerk.

Be that guy, and be alone in the dark.

Nothing Lasts Forever

Great things never came from comfort zones.

Just another day and I’m back in the garret where my psyche tells me I belong.  Not anymore I don’t.  I need to change and the picture of York Railway Station is a metaphor.  To get to anywhere by train I have to change at York ~ in rail journey terms York is the fulcrum.

Some of you may recall that I have been trying to change for years; to grow, to become the better man, to walk the warrior’s path…..  and I’ve had some limited success.  No that’s wrong, I’ve had a lot of success.  I’ve gone from being a celibate recluse, stuck in the garret and afraid to go out, to a chap who has just completed a course of swimming lessons ready for my solo vacation in Crete in a couple of weeks time.

It seems that my fulcrum has been shown me by those self-same swimming lessons ~ the whole thing was utterly outside my comfort zone, and I mean a long, long way outside my comfort zone.  And you know what?  Our comfort zones are not a place of safety, they are a prison.

Have the courage to leave our self-imposed prison and great things start to happen.

What I know now, (what I always really knew), is that I have to accept life as it comes, live in the moment, enjoy whatever the moment brings, open my eyes, and welcome surprise.  Stop cowering in the corner, and stop living a life where today will be pretty much like yesterday, and tomorrow will be pretty much like today.  Life goes on, but from now on my life will be filled with adventure and good things.

IF I continue on a wiser, kinder, more mindful, more courageous, more self-loving path, I know that I will be able to embrace the results of all the hard work I’ve put in over the past few years, and discover the truth of my Life.  I know that things WILL improve, even from this good place I am in right now.  And, not in years, or even many months, but in the coming days and weeks.  Things will get even better for me far sooner than my comfort-zone loving heart might expect.

But I have to stay focused and believe in myself, because sitting back in my comfort zone and waiting for the Cosmos to roll out the red carpet just doesn’t work.  Trust me, I know.

We have free will.  We need to use it and leave our self-imposed prisons.  We are the Masters of our Own Fate, we need to accept that, get out of our comfort zone, and live life, even if that means making mistakes.

Some say that all the changes we try to make for ourselves are bad.  And, that we should do as we are told, do what’s expected of us, never question authority, always respect the wishes of our family, and stay in our comfort zone.  All I know is that leaving my comfort zone far behind me is the fulcrum of my Life.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

this is a long way outside of my comfort zone, but the next time I go to Turkey I will be up there

So, now I need counselling.

Never look to another to tell you who you really are.

A friend of mine has said that I need some form of mental health / spiritual counselling ~ suggesting to me that she thinks there’s something seriously wrong with the way I feel, think, act, and react to events and people.  I guess she believes that I don’t feel, think, act, or react in ways that she likes when it comes to my friendship with her.

I thought about this a lot and very seriously.  I am fully aware that I don’t follow normal rules of behaviour, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships, and I also know there are, (at least), a couple of reasons for this.

Something happened to me deep in my early childhood, so far back that I don’t know exactly what happened to me when I was maybe 3 years old.  But whatever happened had a very profound effect on me, sufficient to change my personality for my whole life.  It’s complicated, but various mental-health types have said a couple of things; #1 I don’t have bipolar disorder, and #2 I may have had borderline personality disorder, but if I had I’ve recovered.  Well, that’s helpful….. or not. The practical upshot of whatever happened when I was a young child is that I will not willingly accept advice, criticism, or chastisement.  So what?  That just puts me in line with 99% of the rest of the crazy people on this planet.

The second reason I don’t follow normal rules of behaviour is because I’m better than that. I’m enlightened, truthful, open, ethical, grounded, and fucking smart.  And to be honest, with the exception of the people who follow me on this blog, that makes me a better man than anyone any of us is likely to meet in an average day.

So, I thought about this very carefully when it came to finding a therapist / counsellor / spiritual adviser….. and decided that wasn’t going to happen.

I’ve spent the greater part of the past 2, 3, or maybe 4 years trying to walk the warrior’s path.  Trying to find out who I am, who I was, and who I wish to be.  And now, after years of effort, I’m finally beginning to see some light.

It may just be a candle in a hurricane of hellish darkness, but that small light is me.

The little boy may have become a broken man, with a broken spirit and broken dreams, but today I can hold on and today I’m feeling strong.  I know who I am, and I’m not a shadow or the man in the mirror anymore.

No over-qualified, well-intentioned, mental health wazzock is going to be given my permission to dip their dirty fingers into my soul.  There is no chance of me attending therapy / counselling / psychotherapy.  Not now, not next year, not ever.

It turns out that I know who I am, and I like who I am.  And, those that don’t can fuck off.  Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, and please don’t keep in touch.

Some say that humility is the true key to success.  And, that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  All I know is that I’ve tried humility and therapy, and all I got was insanity.

I have a new plan of action concerning my supposed need for counselling.  I am happy to take no action whatsoever.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Marmaduke is as sick of misplaced and unwanted advice as I am.

When is literary criticism a personal attack?

Nobody is perfect, even Shakespeare got his share of criticism.

A very close friend has just told me that I shouldn’t share my negative thoughts and feelings in this blog.  She told me that I should always be positive in the things I write.  She told me that I shouldn’t share so much of what’s really going on with me.  She told me that even when I feel like shit, I shouldn’t write about that.

The things she said didn’t feel like legitimate and constructive criticism.  To me, at the time, (a few short minutes ago), it felt like a personal attack.  It seemed as though my friend had a hidden agenda, and was ‘getting at me’ about the things I wrote on July 26th, 27th, and 28th when what she really wanted to say was something else all together.

She is entitled to her opinion.  And I could be wrong about everything.

But this is my blog, and I was writing about what’s been going on with me.  As far as I am concerned I can write whatever I want, as long as it isn’t a personal attack on someone else, it isn’t obscene, and it isn’t unethical.

I think it’s perfectly acceptable for me to say that I hadn’t really been operating at the very top of my game.

You know what?  I had been feeling pretty good today, but that conversation with my friend, about me writing posts entitled; Worrying About Life, Feeling very ill, and I have my problems, has put me right back to square one.

So, now I feel like shit again, with a big dollop of annoyance and hurt thrown in.

I guess that I’m now supposed to turn this whole tirade of hurt into something positive.  So, I will leave you with this;

Why hoard your troubles?  They have no market value, so just throw them away.  ~  Ann Schade

That’s pretty positive.  And, this is a nice picture.

~

jack collier             jackcollier7@talktalk.net

I have my problems.

The first step in solving a problem is to admit that you have it.
And, the second step in solving a problem is to tell someone about it. 

For me, the savage black dog of depression is never very far away.

There have been many times that I have been in denial about my problems.  And, there have been many times that I tried to solve my problems on by own, through will-power and self-control.  Yet, nobody can solve all their problems without help from others.

A lot of the time I have created my own problems through my own character defects, such as; anger, controlling, depression, drinking too much, fear, impulsiveness, being judgmental, jealousy, and lack of self-confidence…..  Also I convince myself that I am in love far too easily and far too often.

Partly these character defects are the result of a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, and partly they are down to my own desires, lusts, and need for instant gratification.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I can’t go on ~ I always have the feeling that I don’t belong ~ that I am just not good enough.

No man can be a hero every day, and some days I just don’t try.  But, on the days I do try, I try to be honourable, true, honest, bold, and brave.  On those days I try to walk the warrior’s path with real and honest virtue.

Words are cheap, but sometimes words are all I have.

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Maybe I’ll live so long I’ll forget her.

Maybe I’ll die trying.

Feeling very ill

Never let your head hang down.  Never give up and let your soul grieve.  Find another way.  And don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.

A good friend of mine has suggested that I may have bipolar disorder, and not borderline personality disorder.

I do have very severe mood swings, that range from euphoria, to very bad temper, to suicidal depression.  But, one can get severe mood swings with both bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

All I know is that my behaviour over the last week had been disgraceful, and right now I have become seriously depressed.

Today I can begin thinking about making changes in my life and my responsibilities.  I can ask for help from my friends, and do some rearranging so that no day is completely overwhelming.

All I hope is that I don’t turn into Mr. Hyde again.

Jack Collier

 

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Turning into Mr. Hyde is the very worst thing that can happen to me.

Worrying About Life

My worries are a thin stream of fear trickling through my mind.  If encouraged it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.

I have been very distressed over the past few days.  I have not been behaving well.  I have upset my friends and done some reprehensible things.

How I can ever recover from this slough of despond?  How can I make it up to my friends?

I have worries just like everyone else.  However I don’t have to ruin my life. or dwell on my worries or make them any bigger than they are.

I should ‘pull myself together’ and not try to solve my problems with booze.

My problems and worries are caused by Borderline Personality Disorder, which I suffered from most of my life.  BPD is a horrible mental illness, and it’s now really getting me down.  I need to find a way of recovering from this illness.

Maybe I should get outside and look at the sky.

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

my character defects

Character defects exist to remind you of how much you were wounded.

My past was darkness

anger, anxieties, arrogance

bigotry, blaming, boastfulness

controlling, cowardice, crudeness

dishonesty, destruction, deviousness

fear, guilt, hate, harshness, hopelessness

intolerance, judgementalism, lying, lustfulness

manipulating, negativity, perfectionism, recklessness

evil sarcasm, selfishness, thoughtlessness, unfaithfulness

unreliability, undisciplined thrill seeking, vulgarity, wastefulness

all my days were filled with misery, pain, suffering, doubt, difficulties

today I am empowered, self-aware, self-confident, accepting mindfulness

I have abandoned my character defects and found acceptance and happiness

~

jack collier

email;  jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

the pain you felt yesterday

is the strength you feel today

do not be just another sheep in the flock

To really live, first escape from the prison you made for yourself.

Some change, some significant shift in the way I think and feel has allowed me to better understand the infinite intricacies of life, to see my true inner self, and consequently gain a much greater self-awareness and feeling of self-confidence.

I firmly believe that I can now rise above the obstacles and pit-falls of this crazy chaotic life in a determined and assertive way.  I know that I can follow the warrior’s path to happiness and genuine fulfillment.  Quite suddenly and unexpectedly, there is a forceful and innovative energy bubbling away in the depths of my subconsciousness.  Taken together this means that, since my return from a weird vacation in Turkey, I have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to strike out on my own, to feel confident and liberated, in control of what is happening in my own life.

I have always had a great deal of financial freedom, but emotionally and spiritually I have been utterly repressed, a prisoner of my own inadequacies and the negativity of others.  Now I need to engage my true strengths and inner abilities ~ I guess working out how to do that may take a little longer than I think.

I have always had a strong character and a strong will, but always seemed to be afraid of leaving the well established fortress of my comfort zone.  I believe that I am no longer fearful of releasing my strong will and doing things quite differently from other people.

In my life it’s been much easier to follow the flow of everyone else, but that route will never allow anyone to reach their destiny and discover their own ultimate truth.  It seems now is the time for me to become more of a leader, and less of just another sheep in the flock,

Perhaps it really is time for me to break free of the limitations I have created for myself, and others have created for me, by trying to conform to what I think I ‘should’ be doing.  You can please some of the people most of the time if you do what they want, but no matter what you do, you can’t please all your family and friends all of the time.

To begin with, my new and different attitude felt rebellious and disrespectful, but I now know that if I don’t dare to be different, I will never realise just how much I can enjoy This Life.

Some say that you only get one chance to remake your life into what you have always wanted it to be.  And, that everyone who is close to you will do everything they can to stop you from breaking away.  All I know is that I can and will do just what my destiny calls me to do.

I am no longer a prisoner, I am a free man.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

sometimes all you need is a very cool car

 

lusts wants needs desires

When I am true to myself, I am strong beyond measure.

the application of will

continues to tempt me still

uninhibited too dangerous thrill

urges wants desires needs emotional

uninhibited casual sexual relationships fill

my life with seductress midnight encounters

hazardous erotic carnal liaisons midnight hours

rash instant gratification sensual lustful animal urges

I know that I should have become a better man than that

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

the path to freedom from suffering

is through self-discipline in body, mind, and spirit

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