Tag Archives: Borderline Personality Disorder

Haunted Abandonment

enchanted lust is as a candle under a dark moon

night soon

hard as stone

dry as a bone

far as the moon

she left me alone

the enchantress crone

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

dangerous women attract me

and yet

I suffer an abnormal fear of abandonment

Remember, Remember

Remember the 5th of November, Treason and Gunpowder Plot

Today England, London, remembers the 1605 Catholic Plot by Guy Fawkes and his cronies to blow up the Houses of Parliament while King James the First, the Lord’s, and Members of Parliament were all in there.  The plot failed and Guy Fawkes was sentenced to death by being hung, drawn, and quartered.  Luckily for Fawkes he either fell, or was pushed, from the scaffold before his sentence could be carried out.

England still celebrates Guy Fawkes death to this very day.  The English are obsessive when it comes to remembering things.

I Remember…..  I am blessed / cursed with a near ‘eidetic memory’ – I hardly ever forget anything, except names which I seem to forget on purpose  This says a lot about my psyche and the Borderline Personality Disorder that goes along with it.

On the upside, this makes me very effective, efficient, organised…..  The penalties are that I remember every hurt, betrayal, and negative emotion as though these bad things were happening right now.  I become angry, jealous, paranoid, and almost suicidal over things that happened days, weeks, years ago.  This leads me into doing really stupidly bad things just to assuage the hurt.

Nobody can be happy living the way I was living.  It’s hard enough just to go on existing if you are living the way I was.

I tried to teach myself to forget.  That did not work.

Instead I taught myself how to accept and understand.  Accept that shit happens, and understand that past trauma cannot actually hurt me in the here and now.

How did I teach myself to let go of the past?  Through a lot of hard work, patience, and self-love.  I took care of my health and fitness in body, mind, and spirit.  And finally I learned to be open, honest, and forgiving of myself and others.

I will write more of my journey from the hellish rock-bottom I managed to reach, to the sunlit  meadow by the sea that I live in today.

Some say that we should never forgive and never forget.  And that revenge is a dish best served cold.  All I know is that nobody likes an obnoxious, misanthropic, angry jerk.

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Mr. Hyde is a dangerous place to be

Getting what you want

Life is too short to waste and too long to endure.

Being on vacation gives one time to ponder deep thoughts, and right now I need to focus on the small steps I can take to improve my life.  Because, despite what you might think, not everything in my garden is sunshine and flowers.  Sometimes the flowers wilt, and often the sky is grey.

I’m pretty certain I know who I truly am and what I want, up to and including defining and fulfilling my life purpose, but how do I make it all happen in ways that are congruent with me and acceptable to the important others in my life?

It would seem to be about courage, having faith in myself, and really taking positive actions – however difficult the warrior’s path may seem that’s the way I need to go.  It’s time to get more clarity and investigate the important commitments in this present period in my journey.

I need to stop acting emotionally, because my emotions are seldom under control.  Instead I should act intellectually because I have, and can use, all the accumulated information / knowledge to get exactly what I want, need, and desire.  That’s not always going to be a comfortable process.

But, you know what?  I am much happier, and work better when I am well outside of my comfort zone.  For example I should have gone parasailing in Turkey, instead of just taking pictures of it.

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

I will do this next year

Recovering From Addictions

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter if it’s alcohol or marijuana

In yesterday’s post 10 things successful people do, I said that successful people stay healthy and overcome their addictions ~ well, it’s impossible to stay healthy in the long-term if you have a drugs habit, drink too much, or smoke.  Alcoholism, drug abuse, and smoking will all kill you, especially if you are prey to all three.  Most addicts have multiple addictions.  Add gambling into the mix and you will die a horrible death, after you have lost everything you have.

There are NO exceptions to that rule.

You may think that you drink a little bit, use pot or coke just now and again, take a few too many of your prescription drugs, smoke the odd cigarette when you’re feeling stressed or happy, go to Vegas to gamble every once in a while…..  It could be you have a problem you’re not admitting to yourself, and lying about to everyone else.

Denial is not a river in Egypt.  Denial will kill you.

The very first step in overcoming an addiction is to admit that you have a problem.   The first step in all 12 step recovery groups is to honestly admit that you have a problem.  Your problem with booze, drugs, smoking, gambling, unsafe casual sex, erotica, pornography, dangerous pastimes, sugar, food….. may not be so bad ~ YET.  Let me tell you, your problem will only get worse, unless you do something about it.   And what you have to do is STOP drinking, smoking, using drugs, gambling, or whatever.

There is no such thing as controlled drinking, drug abuse, gambling…..

And, if you cannot stop, and if you still lie about it to yourself and others, then you are a true alcoholic, drug addict, compulsive gambler, long-term chain smoker, and you’re going to lose everything you have, and die horribly.  Things may only be a little bit rocky now, but that’s ok for you, missing work once in a while isn’t so bad.  Let me tell you, it is going to get worse if you do not completely stop drinking, using, smoking, gambling…..

No matter how bad thing are now, they will get worse.

What to do?  A good start is to go and see your doctor, and tell him / her that you have a problem.  But, the chances are that, unless you have an exceptional doctor, they’re not going to be much help.  Do Not just accept more medication from your doctor ~ drugs in any form are bad for you.  Also, the chances are that if you have a propensity to addiction, then you also have an underlying psychological problem.  What you probably need is ‘talking therapy’ to deal with your underlying Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD……

Admit you have a problem, and talk to people who understand.

From bitter personal experience I can tell you that there are only two things that work when it comes to recovering from the problems of an addiction;

  1. Completely stop drinking, using, smoking, gambling, binge eating…..
  2. Talk with people who truly understand.  Ask for their help.

If you are an addict, then you will never, ever be cured, all you can do is begin to recover from your addiction.  You will never be able to go back to drinking, or whatever…..

Some say that being an addict means that you are a morally weak degenerate lunatic.  And, that all addicts are hopeless cases who will just die sooner rather than later.  All I know is that it is possible to begin to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder and Alcoholism.

(further reading;  The Big Book of AA, The Road Less Travelled, Under The Influence.)

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

addicts are not lunatics,

but they may well have a psychological problem

 

must I always be alone?

the basic nature of a man is constructive, faithful, and trustworthy

If you have been following this blog, you will know that, over the past few years, circumstances, and my own stubborn nature, converged with my incipient depression to create a weird and unsustainable view of life for me.  Not only that, I was also suffering from vicious, undiagnosed, and untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and that blessed me with paranoia and a morbid fear of abandonment.

Add those things together and what happened was that I became an agoraphobic, anti-social, celibate, friendless, psychotic recluse.

My door stayed locked, I seldom left my apartment, I avoided meeting people, the telephone remained unanswered, and I deleted unread any emails I received.  Quite honestly, I may as well have been dead as to live that kind of non-life.

It took years, and I do mean years, for me to begin to break out of my self-made prison.

My escape started because I like to write, I wasn’t writing anything, and so I went to a writers’ group, met a few people, and even spoke to them without my being stabbed, attacked, denigrated…..  And then I started to write this blog ~ and trust me to begin with it was terrible.  Yet, an amazingly articulate woman in California found something that she liked in the way I wrote.  And, as things happen, we became long-distance, online friends.

Those of you who have been in a long-distance relationship will know that it’s fraught with problems, and my friendship with this cool Californian woman is probably no better or worse than most relationships that started on-line.  As you would expect from a guy with Borderline Personality Disorder in their background, I became obsessed with her, had unrealistic expectations, and did stupidly impulsive things.  I was not constructive, reliable, nor trustworthy.  None of that was helpful.

My good fortune is that I spent some time with a therapist, my doctor, and a psychiatrist.  The general consensus of their opinion was that I had been suffering from BPD, but I was mostly recovered ~ at the time that was all news to me, (I even had to look up what the hell Borderline Personality Disorder was).

But, if I was mostly recovered I could start to live my life the way I wanted, and not the way a serious mental illness was telling me to exist.

Ergo, I am on a journey of self-awareness, self-discovery, self-development, and self-improvement.  Now I mostly say and do what I think is right, and those that don’t like it can just feck off and have a nice day, and please don’t keep in touch.  That new and more assertively honest attitude of mine has ruffled a few feathers ~ but I’m never going back to being that agoraphobic, anti-social, celibate, friendless, obsessive, psychotic recluse.

Maybe I need to find some new friends, and maybe I’ll be alone again for a while.

Some say that a friend in need is a friend indeed.  And that you should choose your friends wisely.  All I know is that I’d rather be alone than have fair-weather friends.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

at least I have a friend in Marmaduke

and he’s always ready for anything

Living Within Lies

We live in a world of illusions and fantasies, lies and deceptions.

In my life I have often seen and heard what I wanted to see and hear, not what was really there at all.  I was never willing to separate fact from my own fictions, to see what was actually going on around me.  And yet, for relationships and connections to endure, reality and truth must be embraced whole-heartedly, one cannot go on looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses.

Consequently I oft-times found myself walking down dead-end streets and staying with totally dysfunctional relationships.  I missed the many good opportunities the universe was sending me, any of which could have transformed my life.  Being faithful and steadfast is all very well, but not when I was living within a tissue of lies and falsehoods.  Being generous and kind is all very well, but not when I was pouring time, money, and love into a bottomless well and receiving little or nothing in return.

Ultimately, my behaviour was negative and destructive of my own self-awareness, self-confidence, and self-esteem.  Through not really facing the truth I would become paranoid, suspicious, jealous, frustrated, and angry.

Today I am ready to accept and understand the mistakes of the past, end the chapter, close the book, and allow progress and positive growth to happen.  For that I need complete self-honesty and better self-awareness.  Only then will real change lift me emotionally and spiritually out of the darkness that sometimes surrounds me ~ washing over me like a cold wave in the depths of a grey autumn.

Parts of my dark psyche still linger from my past negative behaviour; anger, bad temper, marginal propensity to alcoholism, pain, jealousy, frustration, resentments, selfishness, impulsiveness…..

This October, when my opposite and partner star-sign of Libra is in the ascendant, I can see clearly the person I used to be, the person I am now, and the man I shall become.  I am more than just the two-dimensional image that stares back at me from the mirror.  Now I am wiser, more open and ready to see change in my life.  The lessons that must be learned are how to understand and accept the truth and not surrender to illusions.

Some say that change is bad, and today should be the same as yesterday, while tomorrow should be pretty much the same as today.  And that they are perfectly happy living mundane and routine lives.  All I know is that I can and will separate truth from fiction.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

though it may twist and turn, the warrior’s path goes onwards and upwards

Lucky Jack?

Only a fool will let miserable situations run on from year to year.

Despite everything, there have been some dark clouds over my head.  Ergo yesterday, on a whim, I took a train ride to the nearest big city to do a little shopping.

More than just going shopping yesterday, and buying whatever took my fancy; in a few weeks I’m going to New Mexico to attend a ‘new-age’ retreat, and I’ve just booked a week on the Algarve for over the Christmas Holidays.  That Christmas trip will be my 6th vacation this year.  How fortunate is that?

Oft times I tell you of my woes, bemoaning my luck, revealing the darker parts of my psyche ~ and yet there are so many others who are far worse off than I.  Even in this moderately wealthy country, this green and pleasant land that is England, much misery abounds.  There are those who struggle to find the next penny, let alone have the cash and freedom to just take off whenever they feel like it.

And, in America, that Land Of The Free there are more people living on the streets than a supposedly civilised country should countenance.  Some say those people are just down on their luck ~ some bad luck America.

Without revealing too many confidences; yesterday I had to give a friend enough money for petrol, (gas), to allow her to visit her son who had been rushed into hospital.  Even some of my friends aren’t as fortunate as I.

Maybe I want so much that I aim too high, and just going off shopping, or taking a vacation, is ultimately less than satisfying for me.  Those foreign trips may put me under a different sky, but I still often feel alone and unsatisfied.  Perhaps this is because I have unreasonable expectations, or that I am acting with selfishness, or it may be that I am not living a mindful life anyway.

One hope is that my upcoming New Mexico trip will give me some new psychological tools to put in my bag.  Another is that as I become more self-aware and more self-confident, I will be able to look at my life, my relationships, my wants, needs, desires, and dreams in a more honest and mindful way.

Some say it’s not what you keep that matters, it’s what you are prepared to leave and lose.  And, that if you have doubts about people it’s time to walk away.  All I know is that the harder I work at things, the luckier I get.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Living on the streets is not much fun

The Warrior’s Path

The best of my sunsets is yet to pass to the west.

There are a couple of ways of walking through that dark and dangerous jungle that surrounds the warrior’s path.  One is to hack aside the undergrowth, wade through stinking swamps, clamber over the steepest rocks, struggle sweating and cursing one footstep at a time towards an imagined false destination.  The other is to accept the things the path has brought, in harmony understand why the Goddess has made Life seemingly difficult, live within the warrior’s path without trying to conquer it.

There are no prizes for guessing how I’ve been acting on my journey along the warrior’s path.

In Life I have been trying to fix what I thought was wrong, to overcome, to shape the world and the people in it according to my own expectations, mores, and standards.  As you would expect, I can’t fix Life.  I can’t make the world, the people in it, the things that happen, be the way I want them to be.  That has never stopped me from trying, with all of my might and main, to change the things I cannot change.

You would think a man would know that the only thing he can change is himself.

And yet, it seems that a great deal of powerful transitional energy is coming my way.  Venus has begun to support and nurture Mars.  If I feel ready enough, then I can embrace a life path that is more true to who and what I really am.

I have been burdened by my own anger, frustration, jealousies, pain, resentments…..  and I have carried this burden into each new day.  I have been reckless and negligent with the feelings, wants, and needs of others.  But, that need to conquer the warrior’s path is fading into memory, and I am beginning to learn the mindfulness of acceptance and understanding.

Some say that all men are blind to the real love and friendship that is closest to them.  And, that if you show a man a beautiful woodland his first thought will be that he needs to cut it down.  All I know is that the only really true thing is what is in front of me right now.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

My Goddess Aphrodite was born from the Ocean’s foam

 

 

Through a Glass, Darkly

From Hell’s heart I can almost see future’s truth.

~

as in a winter mirror

I perceive my soul

shadowed not clearly

reflected never whole

my world nearly gone

the invisible and unholy

through a glass, darkly

I see the eternal terror

of living without her

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

if you’re walking through Hell,

keep going.

 

Back to Square One

You can’t do the job if you haven’t got the proper tools.

Yesterday I was very tempted to book a trip to Agadir in Morocco, even though I’ve just returned to England after my recent vacation on Crete.  (You would like Crete.)

The Moroccan adventure would have been for a week, departing England on October 11th.  The whole deal would have cost me less than it’s costing me to fly the Atlantic for my trip to New Mexico in early November.  And, that upcoming trip is one reason I’ve decided not to take the Road to Morocco just now ~ I would probably have spent my whole time in Morocco thinking about going to New Mexico.

That, and the main reason for travelling right now is me not wanting to be here on my own, me escaping from what’s going on inside my own head, not wanting to face the fact that I’m the world’s biggest screw-up, me running away…..

I don’t think I’ve shared that each day I pray to my Goddess, and that I write these prayers on slips of paper about the size of a personal cheque, (check).  I save these prayers, and each day I take an old prayer from the found vase I keep them in, and contemplate what I was saying in the past.

Today, the old prayer is from December 1st 2015; …..please help me to learn a way to stop finding the bad things in Life.

That is just as appropriate right now as it was then.  I am still right back at square one.

In my life there has been heartache and pain.  For most of my life I suffered from undiagnosed and untreated Borderline Personality Disorder ~ a seriously dangerous mental illness.  For the past few years I have been striving diligently to be a ‘better man’.  And, it would seem that I haven’t had that much success.

Here’s the thing, no matter how hard you try to achieve something, no matter what you do, you cannot succeed if you don’t have the right tools for the job.

Today I have come to realise that I don’t have the right tools to achieve enough significant personality changes to become the better man, the superior man.

And then Serendipity kicks in. This New Mexico retreat I am attending in November has the strapline From Chaos to Coherence ~ The Power To Thrive In Life Extremes.  If you know anything at all about BPD, you will know that I go to extremes, but perhaps this retreat will put some more and better tools in my psychological toolbox.

Some say that all prayers are answered, but sometimes the answer is ‘no’.  And, that if the only tool you have is a hammer then you see every problem as a nail.  All I know is that if you’re fighting with the alligators, it’s difficult to remember that you’re supposed to be draining the swamp.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Right now the alligators are winning,

so fuck the swamp.

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