Tag Archives: Borderline Personality Disorder

Rock Bottom

hitting rock bottom doesn’t mean I have to stay there

Everyone’s rock bottom is different.  Things could be worse for me; I still have a roof over my head, I still have money in the bank, and I haven’t hurt myself.  I’m haven’t been on the street drinking, and I haven’t been arrested.

My rock bottom is life-threatening sickness in body, mind, emotions, and spirit.  I feel so ill that I don’t want to eat and I can’t sleep.  I’ve been sipping a little weak beer to stave off the symptoms of acute alcoholic withdrawal, and because it helps ameriolate the worst symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. (a couple of cans a day)

I’m so emotionally distressed and depressed that I’ve been wondering if it’s worth going on at all.

And yet, some very kind people care about me, and my ending it all would be very unfair to them.

So, I need to pick myself up from this self-inflicted hell, take the time and do the right things to recover ~ writing this blog helps.

There are some kind people I care about very much, and I send them all my love.

~

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

I need to find a new and better road

In The Bleak Mid-Winter

my life is bleak, unhappiness is mine

Through no fault but my own the one good thing I had in my life is destroyed.

I am in the bleak mid-winter of sorrow today.

Please listen responsibly.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Bleak Mid-Winter in New Mexico

Everything is Important

rejoice in small things and they will continue to grow

Every little thing that we do is important.  Everything we say, every feeling we have, everything that happens to us is important ~ even though we may not realise just how important small things are until much later.  This is because nothing happens in isolation, and huge events always begin with something small.

Just as a vast avalanche may begin with a tiny pebble rolling down a hill, hugely important events in our lives may begin with just a word, or a glance, or a decision just to say yes, or no.

Also there is the holistic theory of the interconnectedness of all things.  Everything in the Cosmos has an effect on everything else, everything on Earth has an effect on everything else on the Earth, everyone we know has an effect on us and everyone else they know.  Everything our significant other says, does, thinks, and feels has a huge effect on us and everyone we know.  All things are interconnected.

All disasters and tragedies happen as a result of a series of interconnected events.  For example most know that the sinking of the Titanic on 15th of April 1912 came about because the ship hit an iceberg, but that was only the proximate cause of the disaster.  The reason so many died in the tragedy is the result of a series of interconnected events going right back to when the ship was designed and built.  Some reasons the sinking of the Titanic killed 1,517 passengers and crew are; poor lifeboat drill aboard, not enough lifeboats and lifejackets, the ship was travelling too fast and too far north for the time of year, not enough lookouts, the lookouts had no binoculars, the Titanic’s radio operators did not give all the ice warnings to the bridge, the wrong avoiding action was took by the Titanic, the nearest ship to the disaster, (SS Californian), did not come to the aid of the Titanic…..  and the less than perfect construction of the ship herself.  (Only 703 souls survived.)

Similarly I have been suffering with very poor mental health over the last few weeks, the proximate cause of which is I have Borderline Personality Disorder, but that’s far from the whole story.  Christmas has never been a good time of year for me, my closest friends aren’t going to see me over the holidays, I have insomnia, I have been neglecting my physical health, I’ve developed some bad personal habits, I picked up a bad cold / the flu…..  So it’s not as simple as all that.  Everything is important and, and everything is interconnected.

Some say that some things are just not important.  And that it’s difficult to be fit and look smart when mentally, emotionally, and spiritually you feel like shit.  All I know is mens sana in corpore sano ~ a healthy mind in a healthy body.

~

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

it would be nice to have multiple personalities

one of them might be happy one day

Stressed and Distressed

I feel as bad today as I have on any day of my life.

About 3 years ago I had double pneumonia, pleuresy, and 5 broken ribs.

A few years before that my business went bust because my partner was stealing all the capital I put into it.

Before that I quit / lost my highly paid job in banking, and at about the  same time I got divorced.

A sorry tale, but today I feel as bad or worse as a I have ever felt in my life.

I suffer from life-threatening mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, and the myriad symptoms are making me feel stressed, distressed, and depressed.  Add that to the flu I had this week and my life is hardly worth living.

As I said, today, in fact all of this week, I feel the worst I have ever felt in my life.

~

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

This is how I feel today.

Recovery from Addiction

I understood myself only after I destroyed myself.

It used to be thought by many doctors, and those in 12-step recovery programs, that addiction was a disease in its own right.  Conversely many people believed that alcoholism, drug abuse, compulsive gambling, and other addictions were due to personal weakness.  That it was all down to the search for instant self-gratification, and that addicts were just unwilling to stop ~ or perhaps unable to stop drinking, using, gambling…..

However, medical science no longer believes that pleasure-seeking alone drives addicts into their own personal hell.  Doctors and scientists now think that most engage in addictive behaviour not so much to attain euphoria as to escape physical, emotional, and spiritual pain and distress.

This is certainly true in my own case.  From time to time I drink far too much, not because I like booze or it makes me feel good.  I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, which is characterised by extreme emotions, and from time to time negative feelings such as anger, jealousy, paranoia, anxiety, and suicidal depression cause me so much physical, emotional, and spiritual pain that I escape into alcohol.  And you know what?  Drinking doesn’t really work.

In the USA 15.7 million people seriously abuse alcohol, and 2.6 million of those also suffer from a drug abuse disorder.  In all some 7.7 million people in all use illicit drugs in the USA, and / or abuse prescription drugs.  About 8% of the total population of the USA have a substance abuse problem.  Many of these have multiple addictions ~ gambling, excessive use of pornography, and promiscuity also ruin lives.    Doctors also believe that the type of addiction doesn’t matter at all; whether it be alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, whatever…..  all addictions are the same, addicts are people who try to escape physical, emotional, and spiritual distress.

Some 47,000 people a year die directly from an overdose of opiod drugs, and alcohol claims the lives of some 90,000 people a year.  I know what that feels like, people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder have a 10% likelihood of committing suicide, which is over 1,000 times more than in the general population.

Some days I can barely breathe, I can’t eat and I can’t sleep.  Some days I blame others for my pain and problems.  Some days I am barely hanging on.  And, some days life is pretty good.

The good news is that there are a number of effective treatments for addiction; including self-help strategies, psychotherapy, rehabilitation programs, and in some cases medication.  (As it goes medication doesn’t work, and is actually dangerous for anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder.)  But, I can protect myself from addiction by having meaningful and mindful interests in my life, together with supportive friendships.  My problems and pain are very transient.  And life isn’t always supposed to be fun and filled with pleasure, into every life a little rain must fall.  Shit Happens

Some say that addiction only affects weak and pathetic people.  And that there is no chance of recovery from any addiction.  All I know is that I have many more good days than the bad days on which I hit the bottle.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

recovery doesn’t work for those who need it

recovery works for those who want it

Stay Healthy

rock bottom will be the solid foundation on which I can remake my life

Over the past couple of weeks I have struggled to cope with the Borderline Personality Disorder I suffer from.  I have been planning on focusing on my health after the Christmas holidays.  Well, don’t hold your breath.  Unless I can get much better pretty quickly I might be a basket case by the time 2020 rolls around.

If you have health, you probably will be happy, and if you have health and happiness, you have all the wealth you need, even if it’s not all you want.  ~  Elbert Hubbard

I need to get some kind of recovery by avoiding booze, excessive stress, uncontrollable emotions, depression and anxiety, jealousy, and vicious mood swings.  Probably I need to avoid thoughts and situations that emotionally drain me.  I need to put my emotional health right at the top of my list.

I need to try to maintain my spiritual health by finding meaning and mindfulness in every thing I do.  Avoiding activities that I find meaningless or stressful.  Spiritual ill health weakens me physically and emotionally, and it’s easy to get sick if I am weak in mind and body.

Driving myself into the ground, finding yet another rock bottom serves no one.  It decreases my chances of living a long and healthy life.  Do I really want to sacrifice my health because of people, places, things, thought, and emotions?

My health needs to be positively maintained at all times.  I really need to commit to looking after my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health for the remainder of my life.

Perhaps I could try being happy for a change.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

having multiple personalities might be cool

one of them could be happy

Screwed-up

The ideal day never comes. Today is ideal for him who makes it so.

This is what the inside of my mind looks like.

I’ve not been well, although am much better today, with much to get through.  I’m hoping you are all well, and going to have a good day.

I’ve been very critical of myself, because I didn’t meet my own expectations.  Based on my own black and white thinking, my own standards of perfection, I will never have an ideal day.  Perhaps there is no such thing as a perfect day.  Each day happens just the way it’s supposed to, with its imperfections as well as its achievements.  If I have a terrible day, it’s only because I believed it was going to be a lousy day. By the same token, if I have a good day, it was because I believed it was going to be a good day, and not because the sun was shining, or we had a good conversation ~ (although that helps).

Every day is different.  Some days may be enjoyable, while others may be difficult to get through.  Instead of being judgemental, I can see each day as a mindful experience.  What I learn from the day, as well as my attitude about it, is my daily lesson.I have been having some very difficult days to get through. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  My expectations have been all wrong, and my attitude has been bad.  My mind is a complete mess.

I have screwed up in a very big way, let down my family and friends, and let down myself.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Borderline Personality Disorder is a very serious illness.

I have it, although I am recovering.

 

The Tears I Cry

every day is a new beginning, take a deep breath and start again

Yesterday I fouled up again.  I wrote a post called It’s Too Bad That Love Is Blind, which was both a bit negative and quite misogynistic, and that is not the way I generally feel about the world these days.  I guess I was having a bad time yesterday.  You may already be aware that I have some very bad interludes in my quest to be a very cool guy living a really great life.

For years I suffered from an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) ~ which really fucks up your life.  Now I have had a proper diagnosis, but have still had no treatment for this malady.  To a large extent that’s OK, I can walk a long way down the road to recovery using self-directed therapy, which actually means buggering-on and doing the best I can to do things that will help me to get better.  With the help of two very close friends I am much, much healthier in body, mind, and spirit than I used to be.

And wouldn’t you know that both of those very close friends are very remarkable women.

I quite firmly believe that without their help I wouldn’t be here today.  Some 10% of suffers of BPD commit suicide, (which is about 1,000 times more than in the average population), but far more succumb to accidents, alcohol and drug abuse, and general ill health caused by a poor diet and bad personal care.  A couple of years or so ago, before I was on the road to recovery, I managed to contract pleurisy, double pneumonia, and somewhere in there I also broke 5 ribs, (and I have no idea how that happened).  I believe I would have died without the help of those remarkable women.

One of the symptoms of BPD is extreme and rapid mood swings, and in my case my emotions veer between happiness and anger, (poor labels but they’re the best I have).  The extreme and uncontrollable emotions I suffer today are nowhere near as extreme and uncontrollable as they used to be, and the negative episodes are fewer and father between.  Yet, sometimes there are days I am so angry I could cry, for no good reason whatsoever.  I guess yesterday was one of those days.

The tears I cry are just as wet and painful as anyone else’s, and the emotions I feel are real.  However, these feelings occur for no good reason except that somewhere in my childhood Borderline Personality Disorder was hard-wired into my mind.

Some say that crying is cathartic.  And that there is nothing wrong with a grown man shedding a few tears.  All I know is that almost unbearable mental anguish will have my crying tears of frustration.  I also know that tomorrow will be a new day.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

after all, tomorrow is another day

 

Lonely Christmas

I have no one to talk to, and I’m alone

With only one month to go until Christmas Day I’ve been thinking about all those people who will be lonely over this Festive Season.

In England this Christmas, one in five adults will be spending the day alone.  And the Salvation Army say that almost a million elderly people, aged 65 and over, will be alone on Christmas Day, and most of them will be very lonely.  Tradition and Hollywood both say that Christmas is a special time to spend with friends and family, and yet millions of people don’t even plan to leave their homes at Christmas.

If you are a mature adult the chances are that you have spent at least one holiday season by yourself.  There are many possible reasons for this, you may live far away from family and old friends, you could have been divorced, or your relationship might have fallen apart, or you may have lost a loved one, or you may be suffering from your own problems such as alcoholism, drug addiction, severe mental illness…..  Or it just might be that you had plans and for some reason they fell apart at the last minute.

This year I will be alone in the garret, and you can tick several of the reasons I’ve just mentioned as to the cause of my solitary Christmas.  I wonder how many of you reading this will also be alone over the Festive Season, and how many will be spending it with an aching heart looking back at the mistakes of the past.  Life can be viciously unkind, and not everyone we have ever met and loved was going to be worth the tears we shed.  How many times do we have to say that we’re sorry for the things we have done or not done before we are forgiven?  And when will we ever learn?

Not all need be doom and gloom if you are going to be alone at Christmas with nobody to talk to and nobody to even care.  There are some positive things you can do;

  • Don’t get drunk or high or take to much mood-altering medication.
  • Don’t spend Christmas day unwashed, unshaven / not made up, with your hair uncombed, in dirty clothes or your night attire.
  • Don’t stay in bed all day feeling unutterably melancholy or depressed.
  • At least go out and take a short walk to some place that has special meaning for you.
  • Make use of the empty streets to take some different photographs.
  • Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself some positive self-talk.
  • Trust yourself, even if nobody else does, things will get better, nothing stays melancholy and depressing forever.
  • Contemplate the past, the present, and all possible futures while listening to some inspiring music.
  • Cook yourself a special meal and be thankful that you are safe, warm, and eating well.
  • Reach out to those you would have truly liked to be spending Christmas with.
  • Clean up the administrative dross from this year, and make positive plans for the future.

Some say that Christmas Day is just another day.  And that it’s not being alone that makes you lonely, it’s that nobody even cares.  All I know is that I intend to make the very best of being on my own at Christmas.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

White Christmas Mojito

Living With a Personality Disorder

living with a personality disorder is to live in toxic confusion

Our personalities are made up of how we are programmed to feel, think, and then what we do about those thoughts and feelings.  A personality disorder means that your emotions, thoughts, and actions cause devastating and long-lasting problems in your life.  I have suffered from a serious personality disorder for most of my life ~ so serious that it qualifies as a severe mental health problem.  The symptoms manifest as character defects such as anger, jealousy, paranoia…..  in fact just find a list of character defects and from time to time I’ve had them all.  There are some more serious symptoms than that, up to and including a 10% chance of suicide.

The only way for me to live a life of genuine and long-lasting happiness and success is for me to work on my character and personality, particularly those areas I’d prefer to hide.  Overcoming and eliminating flaws in my character and defects in my personality is not easy ~ trust me it’s fucking very difficult.  I’ve been carrying this personality disorder around with me since my early childhood, and the character defects are hard-wired into who I am, or rather who I was.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is who you really are, while your reputation is merely who others think you are.  ~  John Wooden.

There are some simple tests that can tell me who I am, and exactly what borderline personality disorder has done to me.  However, I have found that I need to constantly watch myself and remember what I see, what have I done that was utterly inappropriate?  and why?  When do I have to attempt to suppress my emotions?  and when do I have to try to hide my true self?  What embarrasses me about myself?  (other than everything)  What changes have I made that worked?  and what have I tried to change that completely backfired?  or just didn’t work at all?

In moments of anger or stress the uncontrollably negative parts of my personality surface, totally destroying the carefully crafted image of a very cool guy, living a really great life, that I’ve been trying to portray.  However, in order to reprogram the defective parts of my subconscious mind I have to constantly ‘act as if’ I am that cool guy ~ it’s a form of self-hypnosis, sometimes called Habituation.  It’s acting differently to how I feel.

If you think you may have one of the 9 different personality disorders, then you need help, and your first step is to go and see your doctor.  At least you may get a proper diagnosis.  Whether or not you ever receive appropriate treatment is another matter ~ medication is inappropriate for many types of personality disorder.

If you are thinking of living with someone who suffers from a personality disorder, I wouldn’t unless you’re prepared to devote lots of time and attention, love and understanding ~ and even then I’d suggest you think twice.

Some say that having a personality disorder is like having third degree burns over 90% of their emotions.  And that if they could find a way to check-out without hurting anyone else they would.  All I know is that I am recovering from a very serious mental illness.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

it would be nice to have multiple personalities

one of them might be happy

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