surely nothing else can go wrong
because all this is slowly tearing me apart
Losing and feeling helpless isn’t something I’m good at. I never lost a business contract that I really wanted to win. I’ve never done unrequited love, if she didn’t want me I’d walk away and never look back. And I have never let people ruin my life with the specious argument that we are all going to die if we don’t behave like good little boys and girls and go to our rooms when we are told to. Come to that I have never let some spotty jerk tell me I can’t get on a flight I have paid for, not when I had every fucking piece of documentation imaginable.
It’s smegging unimaginable that the politicians supposedly running this once great country are seriously debating whether or not they should Cancel Christmas. This must be a bad dream. But no, if you read the news today there are far too many health officials and government advisors saying that if we have fun at Christmas we will all die. And WE MUST PROTECT the NHS. This is the world we live in today.
I thought that the National Health Service existed to protect me, not the fucking other way around.
And our fathers fought and died for this.
It’s not as though my personal life is any better. Once again I will be spending the holidays alone in the garret. I haven’t actually spoken to another human being for weeks, not in person. And as for romance? No fucking chance.
I am wondering what I have to do to make something sensible and enjoyable out of my life. I remember what it was like to have fun. I even remember what it was like to know love. I just don’t think I will ever have those good things again. I see years and years of being alone, stretching on and on and on. I just can’t take this.
You know what? Right now I think I’d do just about anything to get out of here.
is the prison only in my mind
or is it real?
let today be the day I stop being haunted by the ghosts of the past
black lonely desolate
There are some thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and people that I no longer want to be part of my life ~ especially not this different life I am living today, the different and better life I have known since The Full Wolf Moon. I look in the mirror and the eyes that look back at me are far to hard and brittle, too guarded, too untrusting for the man I wish to become. Some of that is the product of my whole life, and some of it comes from what was a dysfunctional relationship, where I felt that I was giving far more than I received in return.
Truth be told, relationships are not supposed to be like that, if it’s going to work well a relationship between a man and a woman should have balance and harmony, what we are pleased to call ‘give and take’. And, truth be told my bitterness and resentments are my own, they don’t belong to anyone else, and nobody else could have created them in me. Like each and every single thing that happens to us, my negative feelings are things that I did to myself. Nothing happens to us unless we allow it, up to and including being the victim of a natural disaster. Nobody forced you to live in an earthquake zone, or where there are wildfires, and nobody forced the passengers to get on the Titanic.
Specifically my bitterness and resentments were created by some relationships I chose to enter into, and then I stayed in those relationships long past the time I should have just walked away without looking back. Some people are toxic, and while people may change, the memory of that toxicity will live on…..
I do not want any of that in my life, so how do I change it? And I have no fucking idea about how to turn that around, to lose the bitterness and resentments, to lose the memories of toxic and dysfunctional relationships, to begin to innocently trust again. I’m trying to find a way, and there’s nothing there.
All I can do is tell my conscious mind that I want a lighter and more innocent set of thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. I want to only ever remember the good things about relationships past and present, I want to regain my sense of trust, my feeling of fun, my joy in the people I know. I want to be in a place where I truly accept, understand, nurture, and cherish those I profess to care for. I want my unconscious mind to pay attention and change my own hard-wired feelings and beliefs for something far better.
Some say, once bitten twice shy. And fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. All I know is that I would rather be an innocent fool than a guy with very hard eyes.
a new dawn
a new hope