It’s very nice to be able to afford to go travelling.
I’m just about ready and prepared for my next long vacation, which starts on this coming Thursday.
Today I booked a car to collect me at the garret, for 06:00 on Thursday March 15th, as my flight leaves from Newcastle upon Tyne airport at 09:30. I then have layovers in London Heathrow, and San Jose International in Santa Clara County, before I eventually arrive at John Wayne airport in Orange County California at 20.32.
I’m renting a Toyota Rav4 at John Wayne, and then I have a shortish drive, so I expect to get to get to my accommodation sometime around 22:00.
If you add in the 8 hour time difference between England and California, that makes the journey exactly 24 hours. Why does air travel always take so long? Even if everything goes to plan?
Poor Marmaduke isn’t coming along on this trip ~ because when I looked at the layovers I decided I’d just take one carry-on bag.
Poor Marmaduke has been in tears since he found out.
I expect to be back in the garret on Wednesday April 18th ~ after another 24 hours of travelling.
I will be in touch while I’m away.
A man should look as is he had bought his clothes with intelligence, put them on with care, and then forgotten all about them.
Men have it pretty easy when it comes to going to a posh event. Wear a tuxedo, and try to look like James bond.
Women have to take much more care. And, if they get it wrong they will be criticised ~ mostly by other women.
Some frocks from last night’s Oscars ceremonies.
Personally, I think red and black are always good.
The clearest way into your mind is through a wilderness.
all these pictures were taken with a compact Lumix by the girl riding shotgun.
La mode se démodé, le style monochromatique, jamais.
Noir Rouge à Lèvres Fumer
une garce est la contraire d’une salope,
et elle fume pour la prouver.
the moon still shines in the deep darkness
the night is filled with malevolent stillness
my dreams are fueled with harsh blackness
a soul shattered, scattered with wickedness
evil goddess incarnate uncaring in hardness
yet I know in my dreams my soul is helpless
enraptured by her exotic sexual weirdness
Sky above me, the earth at my feet, the fire inside.
all pictures taken by
the girl riding shotgun
using a Panasonic Lumix
With no compass you cannot tell who the enemy is.
Are you lonely tonight?
Are you sad because you’re on your own?
There was a time when I lived the life of a celibate solitary recluse. Not just for a few days, or a few weeks, but for several years. I cared for nobody, not even for myself.
I think the important thing is caring about someone. It’s being by themselves that does people in, makes them old and bitter. ~ Thomas Tryon
I completely isolated myself in my garret. My only companion was my little teddy bear; Marmaduke. I hardly ever went out. I didn’t answer my telephone. I didn’t see any of the people who reached out to me in friendship. My only contact with the world was through this blog ~ and in its early days this blog was a pathetic spavined thing.
When I did go out it would be at very unsocial hours; the early morning, late evening, midnight. And, I didn’t go to places where I was likely to meet people. I walked solitary on a lonely beach.
Life wasn’t making me lonely, I was avoiding human contact, pushing people away, sabotaging any relationships I had. I was making myself lonely.
There was an underlying reason for this. It’s a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, and one of the symptoms of this illness is cutting off all communication with others because of a real difficulty in maintaining a stable relationship. It isn’t good.
It’s so bad that if I developed a relationship, then a part of me would want to destroy it. Perhaps I could keep a friendship for a while, but eventually the Mr. Hyde in me would do something bad enough to make that friend walk away ~ which is what I expected all along. Another of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder is an abnormal fear of abandonment, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have been lucky. I have one friend, one long-distance relationship, and that friend has stuck by me, been my cheerleader, counsellor, and my muse. That friendship has got me out of the garret, encouraged me to grow, allowed me to escape the worst of my self-imposed exile from the real world.
Not everyone who has cut themselves off from the world is that lucky. But, perhaps we can all be that lucky if we are willing to take a chance, and if we are really willing to work at becoming a better, more reliable, more stable, more personable, and less threatening version of ourselves.
It’s scary. But real life is scary. Shit happens. With the right mental attitude we can all enjoy life. I learned to love myself and love others.
My life is good today. I still walk the lonely beach, but I’m no longer alone.
luckily, a teddy bear can’t really walk out on you
Sexual desire is impervious to sense and reason.
What am I longing for most in life? That’s a hard question It’s one of the questions in the Dreambook and Planner a friend sent to me.
That question made me think a lot, as it should have. I don’t have an answer as yet.
The thing is I have some easy answers, guy type answers, and of course more and better sex is an easy answer for a guy.
It’s disturbing for me that friendship and love seem more important to me right now than monochromatic lust. Lust and sex are transient, love and friendship are permanent things. As I guy I think I should be more into casual sex.
But I do love black and white pictures of attractive women. Why monochromatic? It is so much sexier.
And why do women who smoke turn me on? That’s weird too.
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Dreams shed light into places our waking self fears to go.
Very, very rarely I can remember a dream when I wake in the morning. Vivid, meaningful dreams that are as long and detailed as a real-life event played out like a powerful TV drama. The memory of these dreams does not fade, the memories of dreams like these stays with me as long and as strong as any real-life memories.
Usually these dreams are enlightening, they teach me something important, they bring clarity to an area of my life that has been mired in confusion. Sometimes these vivid dreams are disturbing.
A couple of nights ago I dreamed of betrayal. In this dream my friend played, seduced, and then had sex with a handsome house guest while I was sleeping. Very strange. I do not believe I have ever before had a dream that was even remotely like that version of sexual betrayal. It was not the most pleasant dream I have ever had.
The dream got worse than that. My reaction to my friend playing and then having sex with a handsome house guest was violent. In my dream I threw her down a flight of stairs. And, that kind of violence can kill people.
I have thought hard about what this all might mean.
One thing it means is that in my dream I tapped into a place, into thoughts and feelings, that my wakeful and conscious mind would fear to tread. Or perhaps I wouldn’t ever go to that dark place because I didn’t even know it existed.
I think the second thing it means is that part of me must believe that my friend used to be the kind of woman who would have sex with just about anyone. That is very hurtful and disturbing. I am hopeful that this dream was me getting rid of those negative thoughts once and for all.
But, the most terrible thing is that, deep down in my psyche, I may have a propensity towards extreme violence. I hope not.
I am glad my dream took me to places in my mind that I would not otherwise venture toward. I am not glad about what I found there.
But, there is another thought. Dreams such as the one I described may have been sent to me by a Goddess I believe in. If that’s the case the dark Goddess Isis sent me that dream. She is trying to teach me something. Perhaps deep down I am attracted to sexually available and promiscuous women ~ I’m not certain that’s the case, but the thought and meanings are interesting.
It would be good if the lesson was more obvious, and less disturbing.
What I do know is that there is no end to love.
Perhaps that is the whole point.
where ever you are
and whoever you are
I hope that your year
is ending well.
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Maybe I’ll live so long I’ll forget her. Maybe I’ll die trying.
All about me I see
near distant large-scale enigmatic monochromatic
artistic images masking manifest realities falsehoods
endured and survived commonplace denial of truths
tattered and deteriorated like the grey smoke rising
over deceits doubts commitments I see all about me
I see the fiction of she
learn monochrome photography
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