trust me on this one ~ lockdown isn’t much fun
I got sick from the coronavirus before a nation-wide lockdown was imposed on the entire United Kingdom. So, this is Day 10 of my being completely isolated in the garret, and I’m slightly miffed about it all. Being a sick hermit, not going out, seeing nobody at all, with nobody allowed into my place, isn’t as much fun as you might think.
The upside is that there is utter, complete, peace and quiet ~ whenever you want it.
The downsides include:
- It’s no fun for a guy to be sick without anyone to complain to.
- There’s no nurse to make the bed, bring drinks, and sort out the proper medication.
- Unless you’re at death’s door you can’t get medical treatment anyway.
- Watching endless reruns on TV is stultifying.
- Eating the worst diet you can imagine, out of cans.
- Snacking all day and half the night.
- A complete lack of physical exercise.
- Not shaving, washing, or changing out of the sweats you were wearing a week ago.
- Loneliness, utter boredom, anxiety, depression, paranoia.
And, if I was still drinking, I’d probably be drinking 24 / 7.
If there is anyway on this Earth you can avoid being incarcerated alone during a lockdown, just go for it.
I haven’t got one of these,
It would be nicer.
stupid to be alone or just damn dumb
I have done some terrible, stupid, and damn idiotic things in my life, but in the past few weeks I have been drifting between crazy and insane
Some drinking but not much, very bad insomnia, no good food, so I have been feeling weary and had no cognitive skills at all.
Luckily I am coming out of this fugue now, and becoming more like my real self.
I sincerely apologize to you all.
I have been feeling lonely and isolated
I can’t stop looking at you, can I buy you a drink?
on a stool at the bar
a foxy woman, solitary
older, alone in a dark corner
drinking straight bourbon, heavily
staring blankly down at the counter
conversations offered ending unhappily
perhaps I could and should have ignored her
I knew it could only end in one way
her bad memories, bitter tears
but gently I lead her away
carefully to my car
where she vomited, noisily, messily
the fox confirmed my worst fears
but later I still had my way
wealth, foxy women, and too much wine
can make anything happen in this life
(the poetic form is a bastardized Rondeau)
if you’re going through hell, keep going
Severe anxiety and depression will blight your life, make you incapable of doing even the simplest things, alter your personality for the worse, give you panic attacks, headaches, breathing problems, digestive problems, heart problems, extreme fatigue, and fill you with a foreboding of doom. Oh, and most likely your blood pressure will go through the roof.
Go to see your doctor and most likely they will tell you that you are suffering from a mild to moderate state of anxiety and depression, and medicate you with something like Xanax or Prozac, amd maybe Zyprexa. All of these drugs directly affect the chemistry in your brain ~ when you take them you are not you. All of these drugs have serious side effects, up to and including making you want to commit suicide. Unless body, mind, and spirit are all nurtured, full recovery can never take place. Taking an antidepressant / anti-anxiety drug is just painting over the problem, you need to find the proximate cause of your severe mental illness and find a way of dealing with it.
The potential causes of your anxiety and depression are many and mostly a part of what should be a normal life ~ but even normality can be taken to extremes. You will probably have recently experienced, or still be suffering, one or more of these shattering events; death of a loved one, or someone you felt you should have loved, a failed relationship, a toxic and dysfunctional relationship, separation, leaving home, divorce, physical illness, a very shitty job, loss of your job, poverty, bullying, fear, taking care of the sick and elderly, worry about getting old and your looks, lack of good sex, spiritual issues….. and you are most likely addicted to booze, medication, or something like pot and cocaine. Also, anything and everything bad in your past means you are suffering from stored pain.
Nobody is even remotely interested in your pain. Your family and friends will proffer fatuous and useless advice. You must be willing to take full responsibility for your own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Especially you must stop hurting yourself with booze, too much medication, drugs, cigarettes, bad food, not eating, and not getting enough sunshine, fresh air, and exercise. If you don’t take care of yourself you will get sicker, you might die.
Most importantly stop trying to please other people all the time. You cannot ever change other people, you can only distance yourself from them so they stop hurting you. You must be the real and true you, and not someone that those around you think you should be.
Some say that you cause all your own problems. And that you just spend all your time feeling sorry for yourself. All I know is that you will get much better if you stop listening to all those unhelpful toxic people.
you can get used to almost anything
except death, but by then nothing matters
that’s why I drink ~ escaping from the real world
Some situations you can find yourself in are uncomfortable, painful, difficult, dangerous, intolerable. It might be work, family, marriage, living with someone, romance, an affair, a stalker….. It could be as bad as gaslighting, where you are being psychologically manipulated so much as to doubt your own sanity. Or you could be verbally and physically abused, bullied, threatened, and deeply hurt.
I myself was once bullied at work by my director, aka the Ginger Bitch, she was a woman and I was a very senior and very successful executive. It made going in to work at all an immensely stressful thing, it kept me awake at nights, and I started drinking far too much. Drinking too much is only a temporary escape. For a while I fantasized about pushing her into traffic on a very busy London road, decided that wasn’t a good plan. So, I did the only sensible thing I could, and left that job, got myself out of there, escaped.
If you are in an intolerable situation, then the most sensible thing you can do is leave, get out, escape, leave town, change all your numbers and email addresses…..
And this is where it will get heartbreaking for you. Leaving home is a momentous decision you will shy away from making, put off for as long as possible. You would rather live in misery than make the irreversible decision to leave your abuser. Before that you will try all kinds of other ways to escape; booze, drugs, an affair, promiscuity, vacations on your own with all of the aforementioned.
It’s no good, eventually for your own safety and sanity you will have to leave. Before that you need to prepare;
- tell nobody of your plans, not family nor friends
- stash away a lot of cash in a place known only to you
- if you can find a place, say a storage unit, then stash away clothes, shoes, utensils, and anything else you might need in your new life
- get a new cell, new email id, new internet provider, new tablet
- decide where you are going to go, not to your family nor friends because your abuser will find you there ~ a woman’s refuge in another town is good
- leave home when your abuser is at work, at a bar, with their whore, vanish, disappear, tell no one or your abuser will find you
- buy a different car, preferably a van, pick up your stuff, and drive, keep to all the traffic laws, drive a long way in an unexpected direction
Sadly it might be more complicated than that. You may have kids in tow, you might be reported to the police as anything from a missing person to a kidnapper of your own children, you have no job so you might go broke fast, if you tell a relative where you are then your abuser will find you. Tell nobody, and I mean nobody where you are; send a postcard from another state to tell people that you are safe.
Some say that escaping is easy, it’s found at the bottom of a bottle of booze. And that things are bound to get better soon. All I know is that escaping takes bravery, determination, and a shed load of preparation.
just think how good freedom will feel
we realise we are all alone when we need others the most
Gary Cooper in High Noon
Discharged from hospital and back at the garret much earlier than I expected. At first it was very quiet and very strange in here, after the organised hustle and bustle at the hospital. It was also cold, the heating was off, maybe I turned it off before I left. The thing is, if you live alone you are completely responsible for what happens in your place.
The first time you try living alone can be both strange and exhilarating. In theory you can do whatever you want whenever you want. You can stay up late watching TV, or you might work through the night on your latest creative project with no threat of interruption. You can decorate your place however you like. If you want to be sexually promiscuous you can bring whomsoever you want back to your place, and if you want to smoke pot and drink all night you can do that too. You don’t have to clean the place except when it suits you, and if you want to you can stay in bed all weekend.
The astute among you may have noticed a worrying trend in what I’ve just said. If you live alone it’s very easy to lose control and start living the life of a lazy hedonist, and many who live alone adopt that lifestyle for the whole of the rest of their short, sad, dangerous, reprehensible lives. There is another issue with living alone, you will have a higher probability of developing a mental illness than those who live with someone else, as long as the someone else is congenial.
For most of the time I have lived alone I have stayed sane and safe, displaying self-control and a sense of self-worth, but….. every now and again I lost that control and became something of a hedonist alcoholic fool. The thing is, I have enough money to afford to be a hedonist alcoholic from time to time without worrying about my finances ~ and that’s a dangerous place to be.
Things will be different now, I have put some secure checks and balances in place, I’m in the process of building myself a much stronger support network, and most importantly I don’t really want to suffer that much pain, or be at Death’s door again. It’s all very well being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, but it’s going to be much better if the things I do are worthwhile and benefit myself and others. Most of all, I need to look after myself; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I don’t want to find myself back in hospital, not knowing how I got there.
Some say they like to be alone, but hate to be lonely. And that it’s OK to live a life others don’t understand. All I know is that if you live alone you have nobody else to blame when things go wrong.
for some, living alone is very like being in solitary confinement.
the trouble with introspection is that is has no end
my mood today
Still in hospital ~ I’m pretty down, depressed, and very troubled. Nothing seems to be going right for me ~ excepting I’m not dead and I haven’t had to have major surgery. I have some good and caring friends on this site, and who I met through this site, but I’m certain all of them think I’m crazy. Nothing much I can do about that other than every single day try to be a better man than I was yesterday. I hope my friends try to understand.
Now I’m free of the catheter I was able to take a bath this morning ~ you might have no idea just how good a soak in a hot bath feels if all you’ve had in about 10 days is a bed bath. My skin doesn’t feel madly itchy, and my hair doesn’t feel greasy and lousy anymore ~ and I had a proper wet shave. They won’t let me wear aftershave; why is that?
I’ve seen the nutritionist, who was nice, even though she gave me a good talking-to about my previous eating habits, and especially about my getting very drunk every few weeks. I have to completely change my lifestyle, and eat a modified Paleo diet;
- No Alcohol at all, ever
- lots of fruits and vegetables
- high fibre plants and whole grains, but not legumes
- nuts and seeds, but not peanuts
- low fat meats and oily fish
- very little added sugar, salt ~ and no trans fats, saturated fats, refined carbohydrates (flour)
- no processed foods at all
But I can have black coffee and green tea.
Why do I think my whole life up ’till now has been a total failure? But dreams can come true, if you have your dreams and you’re strong enough.
The most introspective of souls are often those that have been hurt the most. ~ Shannon Alder
Other things on my agenda today are an ultrasound on my carotid arteries and a PET scan ~ they keep testing me for possible precancerous signs. Thus far I’ve been lucky, apart from early-stage alcoholic fatty liver.
I also have to go for a walk today. That should be fun, so far everywhere I needed to go in here a porter took me in a wheelchair. If I’m going home tomorrow I’ve got to get up and get back on my own two feet again. That’s not just walking, that’s my whole life ~ because at the moment large parts of my life are down the toilet.
Some say that if you have just one good friend then you can do anything. And that if you truly love someone you can conquer the world. Too bad that love is blind.
my life is merely a darkling reflection in a winter mirror
let today be the day I stop being haunted by the ghosts of the past
black lonely desolate
There are some thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and people that I no longer want to be part of my life ~ especially not this different life I am living today, the different and better life I have known since The Full Wolf Moon. I look in the mirror and the eyes that look back at me are far to hard and brittle, too guarded, too untrusting for the man I wish to become. Some of that is the product of my whole life, and some of it comes from what was a dysfunctional relationship, where I felt that I was giving far more than I received in return.
Truth be told, relationships are not supposed to be like that, if it’s going to work well a relationship between a man and a woman should have balance and harmony, what we are pleased to call ‘give and take’. And, truth be told my bitterness and resentments are my own, they don’t belong to anyone else, and nobody else could have created them in me. Like each and every single thing that happens to us, my negative feelings are things that I did to myself. Nothing happens to us unless we allow it, up to and including being the victim of a natural disaster. Nobody forced you to live in an earthquake zone, or where there are wildfires, and nobody forced the passengers to get on the Titanic.
Specifically my bitterness and resentments were created by some relationships I chose to enter into, and then I stayed in those relationships long past the time I should have just walked away without looking back. Some people are toxic, and while people may change, the memory of that toxicity will live on…..
I do not want any of that in my life, so how do I change it? And I have no fucking idea about how to turn that around, to lose the bitterness and resentments, to lose the memories of toxic and dysfunctional relationships, to begin to innocently trust again. I’m trying to find a way, and there’s nothing there.
All I can do is tell my conscious mind that I want a lighter and more innocent set of thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. I want to only ever remember the good things about relationships past and present, I want to regain my sense of trust, my feeling of fun, my joy in the people I know. I want to be in a place where I truly accept, understand, nurture, and cherish those I profess to care for. I want my unconscious mind to pay attention and change my own hard-wired feelings and beliefs for something far better.
Some say, once bitten twice shy. And fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. All I know is that I would rather be an innocent fool than a guy with very hard eyes.
a new dawn
a new hope
change your thoughts and beliefs, change your whole life
After The Wolf Moon I took all the negativity, shame, and inferiority my parents had given me and let it all go into the mists of the past. I took all the hurt of my life, the bullying, the failures, the lost loves, the toxic love affairs and let all that go into the mists of the past. And then I took all of those false versions of myself, all of the chimera I had created to cope with life, all of the players I used to deal with different people in different situations and let all of those vanish into the mists of the past too. And what was left was just myself ~ the person I had never been allowed to be, the man I’d never dared to be.
Unless you are an insane sociopath, then each and everyone of us has a subconscious filled with negative, poisonous, unhelpful memories, thoughts, emotions, and beliefs. We did not create these demons all on our own, we had a lot of help. Before we were seven years of age our parents, older siblings, aunts, uncles and older cousins, teachers, and every other fucking person in authority we came across planted all of these poisons in our innocent minds. Since then, every negative situation we endured, especially when it comes to love and sex, fed and strengthened those demons. And then the demons ruled our lives.
I can look back now, dispassionately, honestly, openly, and fully recognise what my demons did to my life, how they destroyed everything that could have been good and fine, and led me down a darker road. I did my best to walk the warrior’s path with honour and chivalry, but I was doomed to failure as long as the demons of my past ruled my every thought, belief, behaviours, words, and deeds.
And so I tried to escape the pain through some very impulsive and stupid things, especially I retreated into booze. If life got too hard for me to bear I would get drunk, and I don’t mean just a little bit tipsy, I mean lost weekend drunk. You know what? If you drink a lot then your body, brain, mind, heart, and soul come to expect and need alcohol in your bloodstream ~ which is why alcoholics can almost never, ever get sober. I was in severe danger of drinking myself to death, and I didn’t fucking care.
And then there was The Wolf Moon, a time of renewal, redemption and rebirth, when the very fortunate may just receive some kind of message, and the message I got from my Goddess was Be Yourself.
And that leaves me with a question, just who am I?
my demons are locked away
let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around us in mindfulness
The dawn of a new life
Now that I am recovering from the illness which I suffered over the Holidays my mind is beginning to work again. That is both a good and a bad thing. It’s good because existing in a depressive semi-vegetative state is not living at all. It’s bad because my demons are coming out of the darkness deep inside my mind to torment me again.
I’m not going to let that happen. This the the dawn of a different life for me, not the beginning of another dark night.
I am not going to dwell on the past, nor regret anything that happened there. I am not going to think much about the future, nor be afraid of anything that might happen in that far-off country. Rather I will be mindful of today. I will use today to begin to discover my own inner nature.
A spiritual journey is to uncover my own inner nature. It’s already there. ~ Billy Corgan.
I have realised that I need to discover who I really am, and what I can do to become the better man. The only person I need to measure myself against is who I am today, and then be a better man tomorrow.
It’s a new dawn. Please be optimistic for me.
A new dawn for me