Tag Archives: Anxiety and Clinical Depression

Life Goes On

No matter what happens, life goes on, until the day you die

a murder of crows is a sign of good news

Most of us experience torment, pain, failure, disaster, and tragedy.  Most of us learn that love is blind and that love can be cruel.  Some may suffer from serious debilitating illnesses.  Others may have mental, spiritual, and psychological problems.  More than a few will battle an addiction for most of their lives.  Some may have hit rock bottom and struggle with shame and fear.  For many there will be no relief or comfort until it’s over, and a tragic few some may hasten the end through taking their own lives.

You may have experienced such moments yourself or observed those around you going through the slough of despond.  You, or a member of your family, or a loved one, or a friend, may have struggled for years to find a way to make it through each and every single fucking day.  It is in times like those that achieving goals, making plans, realising dreams, can seem a million light years away.  Instead time is spent coping with shock, pain, grief, sadness, depression, frustration, fear, tears, fighting not to take that next drink, or snort that next line of coke.  Emotions are raw and painful, feelings are negative in the extreme, and the mind can run away like an out of control dynamo.  Nothing means anythng, and nothing makes any sense.

In three words I an sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.  ~  Robert Frost

But, life goes on.  Most of us, given time, maybe given the right support at the right time, most of us are able to return to our dreams and goals, to our plans and schemes, and continue along the warriors path to one form of success or another.

For most of us the pain, grief, and sadness we have experienced will mean that we return to the warriors path stronger than we were before ~ wiser, kinder, more supportive, more accepting, and more understanding.  The struggle changes us, and it may be true that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.  Our priorities, our wants, needs, and desires will have changed as we fought our inner demons or struggled with the shit the world has thrown into our lives.  What may have seemed important to the shallow and inconsequential people we were before no longer matters to the toughened survivors we have become.  What may seem important to the ordinary folks around us matters not one jot to we who have endured hell and returned.

Some say that they just can’t go on, they can’t take it any more.  And that life has taken away everything they have ever loved, wanted, dreamed of, desired, and needed.  All I know is that when it is at its worst the important thing is to just keep putting one foot in front of another.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

find a way to make it

whatever it takes hold on to the light

Unhappiness Doesn’t Work

Some don’t even ask for happiness, just a little less pain.

I’ve spent a lot of my life being miserable, angry, jealous, paranoid, depressed, in mental and spiritual pain.  From time to time I’ve shared my pain with others, especially those close to me.  In that I don’t mean that I’ve sat down and had a quiet and reasoned discussion. On the contrary, I’ve shared my pain by attacking people close to me verbally and in writing, or by just disappearing, or by getting drunk on the very spurious grounds that it would make others worry about me.

Just what part of my subconscious mind was hard-wired to think that being unhappy would do anything for me?  Except to exist in a state of unhappiness and pain being unhappy achieves very little.  To a sane mind, being unhappy should act as a spur to change whatever it is about one’s life that is making you unhappy ~ except it almost never does, because very few people have that degree of grounded and mindful sanity.

For many people being unhappy, miserable, angry, jealous, paranoid, depressed, in mental and spiritual pain becomes their normal state of being, it becomes their comfort zone.  And how utterly sad that one’s comfort zone is a place of utter and total negativity.

For some others those negative feelings act as a spur to find an escape ~ in alcohol, drugs, binge eating, gambling, pornography, inappropriate casual sex, self-harm, attempted suicide, making a big geographical change…..  For me, the escape from being in a bad dark place was always alcohol ~ and that worked for a while, just as all those other addictive behaviours may work for a while.  However, very quickly the cure becomes far worse than the problem of unhappiness, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain.

Addictive behaviours are not a cure, they are just another facet of the kaleidoscope of some serious underlying issue deep in the subconscious mind of the sufferer ~ it’s like throwing a drowning man a concrete lifebelt, or trying to put out a fire by throwing petrol, (gasoline), on it.  Giving someone with depression a bottle of booze and encouraging them to go out and fuck the first person they meet in a bar is just as bad ~ all it will do is destroy any feelings of self-worth they had left.

So why are so many people seriously unhappy, to the point that it can be classified as a mental illness?

Because we learned to be unhappy before we were old enough to know any better.  Before we were seven years of age, deep and undying unhappiness was inculcated into our subconscious mind by our parents, carers, older siblings, teachers, et al., and now it’s hard-wired into our subconsciousness.  And it doesn’t work.

How we break out of the downward spiral of misery will have to be the topic of another post.  This post is too long already.

Some say that they are unhappy because the world is a bad place.  And it’s all going to be OK because their doctor has given them some happy pills.  All I know is that unhappiness and misery doesn’t work.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

booze is a bad way to try to find escape from mental, emotional, and spiritual unhappiness

 

 

 

Anxiety and Insomnia

I’ve never heard of a cat that suffered from insomnia.

But, then again, I’ve never heard of a cat that suffered from anxiety, depression, and a total lack of self-confidence.

Given that it’s two o’clock in the morning here in England, and I’m awake writing this blog, you might say that I’m suffering from insomnia.

As it goes, I haven’t slept well since the garret was broken into and I had some important stuff stolen.  Having your home burgled is a much more upsetting experience that I thought it could be, until it happened to me.

I need to find a way of working through all this.

 

jack collier

jackcollier7@taltalk.net

staring at a log fire doesn’t count as insomnia among cool cats

Stress and Anxiety

stress affects different people in different ways

Today I realised that since I was burgled and robbed a little while ago I have been suffering from stress, depression, and anxiety.  Locked in the nightmare prison of my own subconscious mind.

The physical symptoms are shaking hands, shortness of breath, headache, and nosebleeds.  Fairly unpleasant.  But, actually, the mental and spiritual symptoms are worse ~ bad dreams for example.

It’s going to be difficult for me ever to be confident enough to trust anyone again.

I need to work on that.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Where was a proper English Bobby when I really needed one?

 

Trust and Friendship

a friend in need is a friend indeed

Today I am unwell in body, mind, and spirit.

I cannot eat, and I can only drink an electrolyte powder in water.

Getting up out of my chair and doing things is difficult ~ I am so unsteady.

Writing this is more than ordinarily difficult ~ English is making no sense at all.

Also I keep getting everyone’s name wrong.  that’s very bad of me.

My sincere apologies to everyone I’ve ever hurt, and everyone I’ve lied to.

I’m glad that I still have some caring friends I can trust.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

and good memories to look back upon

Gain Self-Belief

Each time we face our fears we gain confidence, self-belief, and freedom.

People have a strong tendency to sabotage themselves when things are going really well in their lives.

It doesn’t really matter how smart you are, how grounded you are, or how much money you have, one of these days you will probably get to a place where everything is cool and fine, and then you’ll fuck foul it up with drink, drugs, prescription and over the counter medication, smoking, gambling, binge eating, casual sex…..  It seems as though we have an in-built belief that we are not really worthy, or good enough, or nice enough to have all that success and all those good feelings.  We aren’t comfortable with standing out among our family, friends, and peers ~ and this belief that we don’t deserve our own success is something that we learn in early childhood, before we are seven years old.  Our parents, care-givers, and siblings are to blame for that.

Also, very early on in life, many of us learn to believe that we are unworthy of love.  We learn that we don’t deserve to be loved by others, we learn how not to love ourselves, we learn to believe that we don’t deserve to get all the good stuff that life has to offer.  We continually judge ourselves, criticise ourselves, and fall prey to negative thinking and negative beliefs.

In the extreme these negative feelings and beliefs lead to something called Borderline Personality Disorder, and that creates no end of troubles; paranoia, fear of abandonment, addiction, boozing, reckless behaviours, depression, bi-polar disorder…..

It takes real genius, strong will, self-honesty, openness, and willingness to escape from these dark negative places.

First of all we need to understand love and what it means.  The belief that stops us from fully embracing the love of others and accepting self-love is the negative expectation that it’s all going to turn to crap eventually, and whoever offers love to us is going to abandon us anyway.  Usually that means we will push others away from us, and the denial of love becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The same things happen with anything and everything else we want, need, and desire; money, health, enlightenment, friendships, personal growth, freedom to do what we really want to do…..

And all of these negative beliefs and thought patterns are imposed upon our subconscious minds in childhood, which of course means we learn to believe all this crap from our parents, the rest of our families, other care-givers, teachers, older children…..

To escape from an unsuccessful, unfulfilled, ultimately unhappy life we need to be willing to throw aside our past and instead build a future which truly reflects the unique, lovable, loving person we are.  If you talk about your past you are just reliving all the negative crap, no matter what gloss your subconscious mind tries to put on all the shit you used to do.

Most people aren’t truly willing to take that monumental leap ~ in fact I don’t know anyone who is.

Do what you’ve always done and you’ll get what you always got.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

you may believe all this smoking, drinking, and sitting at the bar is cool

 

The Sins of the Fathers

The sins of the fathers will be visited upon the children…..

Our parents told us to be wise, look ahead, be strong, don’t look back, get a job, be cool…..  That’s if we were lucky.  If we were unlucky they mostly ignored us, left us to fend for ourselves while they were out doing adult things.  If we were very unlucky we witnessed a dysfunctional relationship, totally filled with an utter lack of love.  For some it was worse than that, with one of their parents being an abusive alcoholic while the other merely acted as an enabler.  There will be blood on the lawns of those homes.

Children who had abusive parents, or were from dysfunctional families, would grow up with all kinds of mental problems; Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Depression.  Alcoholism, drugs, gambling, and other addictions are also common among adults who suffer from mental health problems created in their childhood.  The likelihood is that they will struggle with their own psychological and spiritual problems for all of their adult lives, mirroring the lives of their parents.  They too will find themselves in dysfunctional or abusive relationships, treatment centres, rehabilitation centres. and hospitals of one kind or another for one reason or another.  If they are wise they will not have children of their own.

I know this because I have suffered some of this, and I have also known many people who have suffered a less than ideal childhood and have turned out to be less than perfect adults and parents.  Sadly many of the suffering people I used to know are dead; alcoholism, drug use, accidents, sundry medical problems, suicide…..

If you’re suffering from anything I’ve mentioned above, you will also know that the caring professions are mostly fucking damn useless at helping people with mental illnesses or addictions of any kind.  You may get talking therapies, and you will probably be prescribed all kinds of nasty medication, neither of which will be of much help.  You may have tried 12-step recovery groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon.  Not many stick around these 12-step groups for long.  But there is something that helped me.

One thing often said in these 12-step groups is; ‘fake it until you make it’, or ‘fake it to make it’.  In other words if what you want to be is a kind, caring, sober person, then ‘act as if’ you were that person.  This technique is widely accepted in the field of Neuro Linguistic Programming.  And, keep telling yourself; ‘I am a kind, caring, sober guy’.  If you believe it, then you actually are that guy.  Self-talk does work.

It turns out that I believe my own self-talk ~ ‘I’m a cool and charismatic guy, living a really great life’.  I can be anyone and anything I want to be.  I can manifest any kind of life I want, need, desire, or dream of ~ providing I don’t give in to lusts or base emotions.

There has been blood in my garden, blood helps the flowers grow.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

in your race for self-destruction

stop to smell the flowers

Recovering From Addictions

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter if it’s alcohol or marijuana

In yesterday’s post 10 things successful people do, I said that successful people stay healthy and overcome their addictions ~ well, it’s impossible to stay healthy in the long-term if you have a drugs habit, drink too much, or smoke.  Alcoholism, drug abuse, and smoking will all kill you, especially if you are prey to all three.  Most addicts have multiple addictions.  Add gambling into the mix and you will die a horrible death, after you have lost everything you have.

There are NO exceptions to that rule.

You may think that you drink a little bit, use pot or coke just now and again, take a few too many of your prescription drugs, smoke the odd cigarette when you’re feeling stressed or happy, go to Vegas to gamble every once in a while…..  It could be you have a problem you’re not admitting to yourself, and lying about to everyone else.

Denial is not a river in Egypt.  Denial will kill you.

The very first step in overcoming an addiction is to admit that you have a problem.   The first step in all 12 step recovery groups is to honestly admit that you have a problem.  Your problem with booze, drugs, smoking, gambling, unsafe casual sex, erotica, pornography, dangerous pastimes, sugar, food….. may not be so bad ~ YET.  Let me tell you, your problem will only get worse, unless you do something about it.   And what you have to do is STOP drinking, smoking, using drugs, gambling, or whatever.

There is no such thing as controlled drinking, drug abuse, gambling…..

And, if you cannot stop, and if you still lie about it to yourself and others, then you are a true alcoholic, drug addict, compulsive gambler, long-term chain smoker, and you’re going to lose everything you have, and die horribly.  Things may only be a little bit rocky now, but that’s ok for you, missing work once in a while isn’t so bad.  Let me tell you, it is going to get worse if you do not completely stop drinking, using, smoking, gambling…..

No matter how bad thing are now, they will get worse.

What to do?  A good start is to go and see your doctor, and tell him / her that you have a problem.  But, the chances are that, unless you have an exceptional doctor, they’re not going to be much help.  Do Not just accept more medication from your doctor ~ drugs in any form are bad for you.  Also, the chances are that if you have a propensity to addiction, then you also have an underlying psychological problem.  What you probably need is ‘talking therapy’ to deal with your underlying Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD……

Admit you have a problem, and talk to people who understand.

From bitter personal experience I can tell you that there are only two things that work when it comes to recovering from the problems of an addiction;

  1. Completely stop drinking, using, smoking, gambling, binge eating…..
  2. Talk with people who truly understand.  Ask for their help.

If you are an addict, then you will never, ever be cured, all you can do is begin to recover from your addiction.  You will never be able to go back to drinking, or whatever…..

Some say that being an addict means that you are a morally weak degenerate lunatic.  And, that all addicts are hopeless cases who will just die sooner rather than later.  All I know is that it is possible to begin to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder and Alcoholism.

(further reading;  The Big Book of AA, The Road Less Travelled, Under The Influence.)

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

addicts are not lunatics,

but they may well have a psychological problem

 

I now know Exactly why I’m a lunatic

Knowing that you’ll push everyone away is tough to deal with.

Some people suffer.  Some people are in constant mental, psychological, and spiritual pain.  Those people may find themselves doing crazy and impulsive things, drinking too much, using drugs, getting into inappropriate and dysfunctional sexual relationships, pushing away everyone that truly cares for them, isolating themselves…..  Those people may be suffering from a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder ~ they may need professional help.  They may act like a lunatic.

People with even mild Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD),  do very strange things; they test the people who care for them by doing things which are really socially unacceptable ~ for example constantly being late, flirting inappropriately, expecting and needing gifts lavished upon them.  They have extreme reactions to the thought of being abandoned and / or rejected.

People with BPD have a propensity to enter into dysfunctional and unstable romantic and sexual relationships / have casual sex / cheat / commit adultery with monotonous regularity.  They tell themselves their sexuality is normal.  They are impulsive and have intense, highly changeable moods.  Paranoia, anger, ennui, and emptiness all come easily to those who have even the mildest touch of BPD in their psyche.

They tell themselves that they like being alone in their comfort zone

Suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is difficult, but the situation isn’t hopeless.  Recovery is possible, growth is certain, becoming a better person is the eventual reward for all that suffering.  I should know, I have been at the very Gates of Hell because for most of my life I suffered from undiagnosed and untreated BPD.

But now I know.  I know what caused me to push people away from me all my life; it’s a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder.  If you don’t get close to people they can’t hurt you, and if you push someone away hard enough that they leave you, well that just means you were right about them all along…..

Knowing Exactly what’s wrong with you is very liberating.  Knowing Exactly why you have suffered and are still suffering is even more liberating.  And, I know Exactly why I developed Borderline Personality Disorder.

When I was about four-and-a-half years old, the woman who loved me most, the woman who cared for me, got sick and died.  She was my nana, my maternal grandmother.  And nobody told me that she’d died, my parents didn’t explain, there was a wall of silence, and I thought she’d abandoned me because I wasn’t good enough.

That one event blighted my whole life ~ until now.

Some say that it’s good to be mean to the one who loves you, because if they stay with you it proves that they love you.  And, that if they leave you it proves that you were right to be mean to them all along.  All I know is that only the mentally ill can like being alone and lonely.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

You can get so that everything seems normal

even crazy, vicious, evil mood swings

even turning into a Mr. Hyde

Lucky Jack?

Only a fool will let miserable situations run on from year to year.

Despite everything, there have been some dark clouds over my head.  Ergo yesterday, on a whim, I took a train ride to the nearest big city to do a little shopping.

More than just going shopping yesterday, and buying whatever took my fancy; in a few weeks I’m going to New Mexico to attend a ‘new-age’ retreat, and I’ve just booked a week on the Algarve for over the Christmas Holidays.  That Christmas trip will be my 6th vacation this year.  How fortunate is that?

Oft times I tell you of my woes, bemoaning my luck, revealing the darker parts of my psyche ~ and yet there are so many others who are far worse off than I.  Even in this moderately wealthy country, this green and pleasant land that is England, much misery abounds.  There are those who struggle to find the next penny, let alone have the cash and freedom to just take off whenever they feel like it.

And, in America, that Land Of The Free there are more people living on the streets than a supposedly civilised country should countenance.  Some say those people are just down on their luck ~ some bad luck America.

Without revealing too many confidences; yesterday I had to give a friend enough money for petrol, (gas), to allow her to visit her son who had been rushed into hospital.  Even some of my friends aren’t as fortunate as I.

Maybe I want so much that I aim too high, and just going off shopping, or taking a vacation, is ultimately less than satisfying for me.  Those foreign trips may put me under a different sky, but I still often feel alone and unsatisfied.  Perhaps this is because I have unreasonable expectations, or that I am acting with selfishness, or it may be that I am not living a mindful life anyway.

One hope is that my upcoming New Mexico trip will give me some new psychological tools to put in my bag.  Another is that as I become more self-aware and more self-confident, I will be able to look at my life, my relationships, my wants, needs, desires, and dreams in a more honest and mindful way.

Some say it’s not what you keep that matters, it’s what you are prepared to leave and lose.  And, that if you have doubts about people it’s time to walk away.  All I know is that the harder I work at things, the luckier I get.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

Living on the streets is not much fun

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