we’re only human, we’re supposed to make mistakes
I screw up, I make mistakes, I go down the same wrong road time after time. But, I pick myself up and try to do better next time.
Last week I fucked-up in a big way, for no better reason than I was hurting after being to the dentist, and this town is in lockdown again. This song says something about how I feel today.
We don’t have to be always ready to make ourselves blameless and faultless, we can admit that we’re only human. I can accept myself as human and see that no human being is without flaws ~ me especially so.
I survived all those long lonely days when it seemed I did not have a friend ~ I with friends I know I can survive anything the Cosmos throws at me.
perhaps the Cosmos doesn’t care when we screw-up
but perhaps my friends do
sometimes I sit and think deep thoughts, and sometimes I just sit in the sun
day trips on one of these weird boats are fun
There are endless vacation activities here. Boat trips with swimming out at the islands, boat trips to the mud pools or butterfly valley. Parasailing and parascending behind a speedboat, if you’re brave. Horse riding, jeep safaris, quad biking, scuba diving……
Personally, on this vacation I’m doing none of those things. Fun acrivities are so much more fun if you have a close friend to share them with.
So today, it’s pool time for me.
There’s still the fabulous food.
Who dares gets a brilliant ride
I’m so in love with you
This is for a friend of mine ~ someone I care about very deeply, especially now, when everybody hurts. Including me.
Please listen with love.
I would rather be here, with a close friend
nobody can be right all the time
It takes a lot for me to admit that I just don’t know ~ honestly saying to someone that I don’t have all the answers is difficult for me. Appearing to be less than perfectly in control is an uncomfortable feeling and it takes a lot of guts for me to go there. Admitting that I’m out of my depth, that I’m at a loss, that I haven’t got a clue what to do next, seems to me to show weakness. In the hard-knock schools I was brought up in, to show weakness was to invite ridicule, persecution, bullying. Even in my most senior roles in business, to be weak meant that you went to the wall.
To ask someone else for help, and genuinely mean that I needed help, has never been something that came easily to me. In all of my life I guess the only people I have ever asked for help have been doctors and….. nope, that’s it, doctors.
Well, now I need help, and the only thing I can think of to do is to pray, and sincerely mean my prayers. It’s day 42 of lockdown, and because I was sick before March 23rd this is actually the 48th day I have been in quarantine / self-isolation. I am emotionally and spiritually bereft. I have a serious mental / emotional / relationship problem to deal with, and I’ve got nothing. The well is fucking empty. And me, the guy who can do anything, hasn’t got a clue what to do.
It’s like I’ve been driving in a great car, along a good straight road, through cool countryside by the ocean ~ and suddenly I’m standing there in the desert. Alone. And it’s hot, harsh, brutal, empty, and silent.
Where do I go from here?
I don’t have a clue.
some deserts are pretty
right now mine is just brutal
trust me on this one ~ lockdown isn’t much fun
I got sick from the coronavirus before a nation-wide lockdown was imposed on the entire United Kingdom. So, this is Day 10 of my being completely isolated in the garret, and I’m slightly miffed about it all. Being a sick hermit, not going out, seeing nobody at all, with nobody allowed into my place, isn’t as much fun as you might think.
The upside is that there is utter, complete, peace and quiet ~ whenever you want it.
The downsides include:
- It’s no fun for a guy to be sick without anyone to complain to.
- There’s no nurse to make the bed, bring drinks, and sort out the proper medication.
- Unless you’re at death’s door you can’t get medical treatment anyway.
- Watching endless reruns on TV is stultifying.
- Eating the worst diet you can imagine, out of cans.
- Snacking all day and half the night.
- A complete lack of physical exercise.
- Not shaving, washing, or changing out of the sweats you were wearing a week ago.
- Loneliness, utter boredom, anxiety, depression, paranoia.
And, if I was still drinking, I’d probably be drinking 24 / 7.
If there is anyway on this Earth you can avoid being incarcerated alone during a lockdown, just go for it.
I haven’t got one of these,
It would be nicer.
stupid to be alone or just damn dumb
I have done some terrible, stupid, and damn idiotic things in my life, but in the past few weeks I have been drifting between crazy and insane
Some drinking but not much, very bad insomnia, no good food, so I have been feeling weary and had no cognitive skills at all.
Luckily I am coming out of this fugue now, and becoming more like my real self.
I sincerely apologize to you all.
I have been feeling lonely and isolated
I can’t stop looking at you, can I buy you a drink?
on a stool at the bar
a foxy woman, solitary
older, alone in a dark corner
drinking straight bourbon, heavily
staring blankly down at the counter
conversations offered ending unhappily
perhaps I could and should have ignored her
I knew it could only end in one way
her bad memories, bitter tears
but gently I lead her away
carefully to my car
where she vomited, noisily, messily
the fox confirmed my worst fears
but later I still had my way
wealth, foxy women, and too much wine
can make anything happen in this life
(the poetic form is a bastardized Rondeau)
if you’re going through hell, keep going
Severe anxiety and depression will blight your life, make you incapable of doing even the simplest things, alter your personality for the worse, give you panic attacks, headaches, breathing problems, digestive problems, heart problems, extreme fatigue, and fill you with a foreboding of doom. Oh, and most likely your blood pressure will go through the roof.
Go to see your doctor and most likely they will tell you that you are suffering from a mild to moderate state of anxiety and depression, and medicate you with something like Xanax or Prozac, amd maybe Zyprexa. All of these drugs directly affect the chemistry in your brain ~ when you take them you are not you. All of these drugs have serious side effects, up to and including making you want to commit suicide. Unless body, mind, and spirit are all nurtured, full recovery can never take place. Taking an antidepressant / anti-anxiety drug is just painting over the problem, you need to find the proximate cause of your severe mental illness and find a way of dealing with it.
The potential causes of your anxiety and depression are many and mostly a part of what should be a normal life ~ but even normality can be taken to extremes. You will probably have recently experienced, or still be suffering, one or more of these shattering events; death of a loved one, or someone you felt you should have loved, a failed relationship, a toxic and dysfunctional relationship, separation, leaving home, divorce, physical illness, a very shitty job, loss of your job, poverty, bullying, fear, taking care of the sick and elderly, worry about getting old and your looks, lack of good sex, spiritual issues….. and you are most likely addicted to booze, medication, or something like pot and cocaine. Also, anything and everything bad in your past means you are suffering from stored pain.
Nobody is even remotely interested in your pain. Your family and friends will proffer fatuous and useless advice. You must be willing to take full responsibility for your own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Especially you must stop hurting yourself with booze, too much medication, drugs, cigarettes, bad food, not eating, and not getting enough sunshine, fresh air, and exercise. If you don’t take care of yourself you will get sicker, you might die.
Most importantly stop trying to please other people all the time. You cannot ever change other people, you can only distance yourself from them so they stop hurting you. You must be the real and true you, and not someone that those around you think you should be.
Some say that you cause all your own problems. And that you just spend all your time feeling sorry for yourself. All I know is that you will get much better if you stop listening to all those unhelpful toxic people.
you can get used to almost anything
except death, but by then nothing matters
that’s why I drink ~ escaping from the real world
Some situations you can find yourself in are uncomfortable, painful, difficult, dangerous, intolerable. It might be work, family, marriage, living with someone, romance, an affair, a stalker….. It could be as bad as gaslighting, where you are being psychologically manipulated so much as to doubt your own sanity. Or you could be verbally and physically abused, bullied, threatened, and deeply hurt.
I myself was once bullied at work by my director, aka the Ginger Bitch, she was a woman and I was a very senior and very successful executive. It made going in to work at all an immensely stressful thing, it kept me awake at nights, and I started drinking far too much. Drinking too much is only a temporary escape. For a while I fantasized about pushing her into traffic on a very busy London road, decided that wasn’t a good plan. So, I did the only sensible thing I could, and left that job, got myself out of there, escaped.
If you are in an intolerable situation, then the most sensible thing you can do is leave, get out, escape, leave town, change all your numbers and email addresses…..
And this is where it will get heartbreaking for you. Leaving home is a momentous decision you will shy away from making, put off for as long as possible. You would rather live in misery than make the irreversible decision to leave your abuser. Before that you will try all kinds of other ways to escape; booze, drugs, an affair, promiscuity, vacations on your own with all of the aforementioned.
It’s no good, eventually for your own safety and sanity you will have to leave. Before that you need to prepare;
- tell nobody of your plans, not family nor friends
- stash away a lot of cash in a place known only to you
- if you can find a place, say a storage unit, then stash away clothes, shoes, utensils, and anything else you might need in your new life
- get a new cell, new email id, new internet provider, new tablet
- decide where you are going to go, not to your family nor friends because your abuser will find you there ~ a woman’s refuge in another town is good
- leave home when your abuser is at work, at a bar, with their whore, vanish, disappear, tell no one or your abuser will find you
- buy a different car, preferably a van, pick up your stuff, and drive, keep to all the traffic laws, drive a long way in an unexpected direction
Sadly it might be more complicated than that. You may have kids in tow, you might be reported to the police as anything from a missing person to a kidnapper of your own children, you have no job so you might go broke fast, if you tell a relative where you are then your abuser will find you. Tell nobody, and I mean nobody where you are; send a postcard from another state to tell people that you are safe.
Some say that escaping is easy, it’s found at the bottom of a bottle of booze. And that things are bound to get better soon. All I know is that escaping takes bravery, determination, and a shed load of preparation.
just think how good freedom will feel