not all in your life will be a beautiful sunrise
A few years ago I was having a really bad time; alcoholism, anger, anxiety and depression….. I felt as though I hadn’t a friend in the world, and the truth was that I hadn’t. I was suffering from insomnia, taking midnight walks, drinking all hours….. Things were bad. There didn’t seem to be any way out…..
Something prompted me to go to my bookshelf, and at random I read the first sentences of the first book that came to hand.
Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult ~ once we truly understand and accept it ~ Then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. ~ The Road Less Travelled
From time to time some things have been bad since then, and Life hasn’t always gone the way I would have liked. But the whispers in the night have never been as dark as they were back then. I’ve stopped drinking, I have a very few very good friends. My footsteps are leading me to good places now.
It took a lot to drag me away from the slough of ultimate despond and pain, but that small passage in a book has helped me ~ it’s been with me ever since that black night.
May you find your own small light in the darkness.
choose your own guiding light
drinking alcohol is very bad for your brain
beer still gets you drunk, but it also makes you fat
For a lot of people alcohol becomes a crutch to allow them to handle the feelings, situations, and people they encounter in daily life. Lots of people I know use booze to become more outgoing, manage stress, combat depression, relax, and as an aid to sleep. However, alcohol isn’t a cure for shyness, stress, depression, anxiety, nor insomnia ~ except in the very short term, and if you only drink in moderation.
Taken in larger quantities, and over longer periods, alcohol does exactly the opposite of the things that you drank for in the first place. Add to that some worse effects of too much drink; recklessness, loss of morality and ethics, severe anxiety and depression, complete emotional immaturity, using other drugs, promiscuity, criminality ~ and one can see that drinking a lot for very long is a bad idea.
If you drink too much, for even one evening, the alcohol will affect your memory. Memory loss is a sure and certain effect of too much booze. You might not remember the night before at all, or only vaguely remember bits of it, and you might not believe it when your friends tell you what you did. Your brain will even invent false memories just to let you fill in the blanks.
Drinking to excess over long periods means the memory loss becomes permanent, along with nastier things like wet brain and dementia. Luckily most people die from alcohol related causes long before they lose their mind. Even better, if you stop drinking the memory loss and cognitive dysfunction will slowly reverse itself as the fog of booze clears and new brain cells grow to replace the ones killed off by alcohol.
I stopped drinking just after Christmas 2020. Now, instead of being a high-functioning binge-drinker I am becoming a Modern Renaissance Man with a near eidetic memory.
Which would I rather be; a drooling incontinent drunk, or a very cool guy, living a really great life to the fullest?
Alcohol has left the building.
people do things under the influence
that they would never do sober
first of all stop dicking around
Not so long ago I was miserable, irritable, and utterly ineffective. I didn’t ever leave the garret, except to buy booze, I never spoke to anyone, and I didn’t do anything interesting. Every day was the same as the day before. I was sick in body, mind, and spirit. From time to time I had dark suicidal thoughts. Even though my life was a mess, it was a mess with an efficient daily routine behind it. I was very good at doing nothing except wasting the time I had on this earth.
There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. ~ Peter Drucker
There are lots of ways and a myriad of techniques that I could have used to turn my life around, but before everything else I had to have the strong and unshakable desire to change myself and make my life better. No Fairy Godmother was going to appear and make everything all right. I wasn’t suddenly going to find an attractive woman who would give me the magical motivation to improve myself and my life. Nothing good happens in life unless we make it so.
You can start to read lots of books, sign up for lots of expensive courses, and find tons of stuff on the internet that will say; ‘change your life around by following this advice’ ~ and they are all utterly useless unless first you have the willingness and determination to change. Changing your life for the better takes every hour of every day of the rest of your life. Being a better person needs willpower, and if you don’t have any willpower then create an unbreakable routine towards becoming the very best version of yourself you can possibly be. If you can’t do that, then fake it to make it.
First of all I had to decide what I didn’t want. What were the very worst things in my life. What was I doing that was negative and self-destructive? Think about it ~ what are the very worst things in your life? What do you want the least? What is killing you? For me that began with agoraphobia and booze. I had to stop drinking, and I had to get out of the garret, physically, mentally, and emotionally I had to get out of this place.
None of this was easy, but this blog is some small evidence of how far I’ve come since those dark days.
If I can become a better person, then you can too.
you don’t need a gym to exercise effectively
not everyone is insane but some are depressed
I’m not howling at the moon
I thought that I was going crazy. I was struggling to get out of bed in the morning, to keep myself and the garret clean, to find any interest in anything at all. I believed that being in solitary confinement for almost a year had given me a bad case of lockdown depression ~ the whole world is grey and meaningless kind of depression. The absence of feelings that leads to substance abuse and self harm.
The doctors don’t think that’s the case. It turns out that there is something physically wrong with me. It seems that I am sick in body, but not in mind and spirit. And, somehow that’s good. A physical illness can be treated and cured more easily and more effectively than can a mental illness.
The snag is that thus far nobody has any idea what’s wrong with me. Yesterday I had another physical and another lot of blood taken for testing. Next Friday I’m going for an MRI scan. The doctors will find out what I’m suffering from, and what kind of treatment is appropriate ~ it’s just that it’s taking a little while. But at least I’m getting all the tests they think I need.
What I know so far is that I’m not suffering from anxiety and depression ~ which is good. And, after yesterday I know that my blood pressure is fine, without medication.
So, for now, I will just get on with Life as best as I can.
I need to eat healthy stuff
we’re only human, we’re supposed to make mistakes
I screw up, I make mistakes, I go down the same wrong road time after time. But, I pick myself up and try to do better next time.
Last week I fucked-up in a big way, for no better reason than I was hurting after being to the dentist, and this town is in lockdown again. This song says something about how I feel today.
We don’t have to be always ready to make ourselves blameless and faultless, we can admit that we’re only human. I can accept myself as human and see that no human being is without flaws ~ me especially so.
I survived all those long lonely days when it seemed I did not have a friend ~ I with friends I know I can survive anything the Cosmos throws at me.
perhaps the Cosmos doesn’t care when we screw-up
but perhaps my friends do
sometimes I sit and think deep thoughts, and sometimes I just sit in the sun
day trips on one of these weird boats are fun
There are endless vacation activities here. Boat trips with swimming out at the islands, boat trips to the mud pools or butterfly valley. Parasailing and parascending behind a speedboat, if you’re brave. Horse riding, jeep safaris, quad biking, scuba diving……
Personally, on this vacation I’m doing none of those things. Fun acrivities are so much more fun if you have a close friend to share them with.
So today, it’s pool time for me.
There’s still the fabulous food.
Who dares gets a brilliant ride
I’m so in love with you
This is for a friend of mine ~ someone I care about very deeply, especially now, when everybody hurts. Including me.
Please listen with love.
I would rather be here, with a close friend
nobody can be right all the time
It takes a lot for me to admit that I just don’t know ~ honestly saying to someone that I don’t have all the answers is difficult for me. Appearing to be less than perfectly in control is an uncomfortable feeling and it takes a lot of guts for me to go there. Admitting that I’m out of my depth, that I’m at a loss, that I haven’t got a clue what to do next, seems to me to show weakness. In the hard-knock schools I was brought up in, to show weakness was to invite ridicule, persecution, bullying. Even in my most senior roles in business, to be weak meant that you went to the wall.
To ask someone else for help, and genuinely mean that I needed help, has never been something that came easily to me. In all of my life I guess the only people I have ever asked for help have been doctors and….. nope, that’s it, doctors.
Well, now I need help, and the only thing I can think of to do is to pray, and sincerely mean my prayers. It’s day 42 of lockdown, and because I was sick before March 23rd this is actually the 48th day I have been in quarantine / self-isolation. I am emotionally and spiritually bereft. I have a serious mental / emotional / relationship problem to deal with, and I’ve got nothing. The well is fucking empty. And me, the guy who can do anything, hasn’t got a clue what to do.
It’s like I’ve been driving in a great car, along a good straight road, through cool countryside by the ocean ~ and suddenly I’m standing there in the desert. Alone. And it’s hot, harsh, brutal, empty, and silent.
Where do I go from here?
I don’t have a clue.
some deserts are pretty
right now mine is just brutal
trust me on this one ~ lockdown isn’t much fun
I got sick from the coronavirus before a nation-wide lockdown was imposed on the entire United Kingdom. So, this is Day 10 of my being completely isolated in the garret, and I’m slightly miffed about it all. Being a sick hermit, not going out, seeing nobody at all, with nobody allowed into my place, isn’t as much fun as you might think.
The upside is that there is utter, complete, peace and quiet ~ whenever you want it.
The downsides include:
- It’s no fun for a guy to be sick without anyone to complain to.
- There’s no nurse to make the bed, bring drinks, and sort out the proper medication.
- Unless you’re at death’s door you can’t get medical treatment anyway.
- Watching endless reruns on TV is stultifying.
- Eating the worst diet you can imagine, out of cans.
- Snacking all day and half the night.
- A complete lack of physical exercise.
- Not shaving, washing, or changing out of the sweats you were wearing a week ago.
- Loneliness, utter boredom, anxiety, depression, paranoia.
And, if I was still drinking, I’d probably be drinking 24 / 7.
If there is anyway on this Earth you can avoid being incarcerated alone during a lockdown, just go for it.
I haven’t got one of these,
It would be nicer.