when all that’s left are the empty promises
the sun was going down on my life
Christmas had come and gone. I couldn’t remember the New Years’s at all, time had slipped from 2019 to 2020 completely unnoticed by me. It was January 7th 2020 and I had been smashed and broken to another low rock bottom. My life was a slow-motion freight train wreck at the end of the line in a place called Hell. My mind was numb and empty, my soul was tortured by demons of my own making, my body was suffering from a lack of food and too much booze. Part of me wanted to die, part of me hoped I would die, and a small part of me entertained dark thoughts of painless suicide. Walking into the cold North Sea would kill me, but that would mean I had to get out of bed, leave the garret, and walk the hundred or so yards to the beach. That was never going to happen.
But something happened. Call it sheer bloody mindedness, call it being protected by a guardian angel, call it the universal unconscious helping me, but I did something positive. It took a while.
First I got myself out of bed, went to the kitchen counter and poured a half-full bottle of vodka down the drain. Thought about coffee, but I knew I’d throw up. Drank some water, threw up.
Bathroom and alcoholic constipation hurts. Stood under the shower in my filthy clothes and stripped naked there, soaped up some. No chance of my risking a wet shave.
Got dry and left the wet towels in the middle of the garret, on the floor, discarded at random.
Combed my hair, got dressed in clean clothes, even clean socks. Looked at the clock, it was just on half-past-six, and I didn’t know if it was morning or evening, nor did I know what day it was.
Collapsed into my armchair, exhausted and shaking. Sat there for a long time staring at the wall, my mind empty, my soul in pain. I could see scuttling things out of the corner of my eye I knew weren’t real, weren’t there at all. Electric shave.
After a long long while I made myself a coffee, felt like throwing up but didn’t. I knew that somewhere out there someone or something was sending me all good wishes.
My thoughts and feelings were being led by demons down a dark road that only led to bad things, so I picked up my tablet as a distraction. Tried to play solitaire, not enough concentration. Instead I read some posts by the very special people I follow. I read a post by Rhapsody Boheme about The Wolf Moon, and the special things that could happen then ~ transformation, renewal, rebirth….. And here, The Wolf Moon was at 19:21 hrs on January 10th, 2020. I resolved to stay sober until then. Before then I would clean the garret, only demons will enter a place that looks like a pig-sty.
At around 19:15 on January 10th I darkened the garret, lit some scented candles, and put some soothing music on the record player.
19:21 on Friday January 20th, 2020 a sense of peace I had not known ever before in my tortured existence, the music playing was The Memory Of Trees by Enya; the simple vocal refrain on that instrumental track is Be Yourself. It was a profound message, and I knew exactly what it meant.
My life hasn’t been the same since. My life is different and better, and improving day by day, hour by hour, and something or someone is still guiding me. If you are suffering as I was, I know that you can have that too. Nobody with even an ounce of goodness in their soul is abandoned forever.
infinity came for me and lifted me up
Life is for living, and I intend to live it with all my heart and soul.
Some will say “how much does that cost”
Some people are obsessed by numbers.
This post marks a milestone in that it’s the number 1111 post I’ve published.
It seems that the angel number 1111 represents a gateway between realms, and a sign that angels are nearby. I’m not certain that I’ve really understood the reality of angels, since my early years were pretty much dominated by a repressive Methodist view of God, religion, and angels. Any mention of the power of numbers would have warranted a swift clip around the ear.
Our very early years can completely distort our view of life, particularly if there’s a church and money involved.
Numbers have power beyond the strictly mathematical, financial, and physical realms. Allegedly the number 1111 opens an energy doorway which will allow us to turn our wishes, needs, wants, and desires into reality.
Eleven ~ Eleven is one of the numbers that have special meaning to me; the others are 28, and 42. Why? I have no idea, but these numbers keep coming up in my life, over and over again.
It’s interesting to know that, whenever I’ve thought about writing this post, something mundane has happened to distract my train of thought. And, that whenever I’ve tried to write this post something has happened to stop me; my internet fell over, this pc crashed, I was blocked from access to Google, WordPress wouldn’t accept my logon id….. Spooky.
Don’t ever believe that what we see is all there is
Some say that we should expect little miracles and coincidences to happen in our lives. And that these miracles and coincidences represent a rebirth of our spirit. All I know is that I could do with angel-dust right now.
Allegedly, this picture is faked