this moment is all there is
we were born with wings, why crawl through life?
We all live within ourselves. All of our interactions with people, places, and things are shaped by our innermost beliefs ~ our internal programming held deep down in our subconsciousness. We don’t experience reality, we know the Cosmos only after it’s been filtered through our own preconceptions. This is both a good and a bad thing. On the downside, perhaps we can never truly understand how another person understands reality. Yet if we look at this whole subconscious filter in a good light, it means that we can fundamentally change our entire universe by changing our internal filters.
We can give true meaning to others, (especially the other sex), we can understand different beliefs, we can accept, value, and give meaning to all people, places, creatures, situations, things, and moments in time.
The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it. ~ Carl Jung
Perhaps this is what is known as being mindful; paying the fullest attention to the present moment, and doing it intentionally and non-judgementally. Nobody, and certainly no real male, can naturally be mindful nor naturally spiritual. Men think in straight lines and are entirely goal-oriented. The above-average man might set aside, say, 30 minutes a day to develop the skills to be mindful, spiritual, empathetic, accepting, and understanding. The rest of the day he will be just as competitive and goal-oriented as his peers. Trying to be mindful and spiritual is not the path to mindfulness and spirituality.
Spirituality is a brave search for the truth about existence, fearlessly peering into the mysterious nature of Life. ~ Elizabeth Lesser.
For anyone, a man especially, to be mindful, empathetic, and spiritual, you have to learn to live in mindfulness, empathy, and spirituality. That’s not a ‘how to be spiritual,’ it’s a ‘how to live in spirituality’. You don’t learn this stuff in 30 minutes a day, you learn this stuff by living a spiritual, emotional, mindful, accepting, understanding life every minute of the day, seven days a week, every week of the year.
The cynical, especially the average cynical, goal-oriented, male who thinks in straight lines is going to ask; ‘So WTF is in it for me?’ If you are in emotional pain, if you are drinking too much, taking drugs of any kind, gambling, are depressed, suicidal, suffering from a personality disorder, suffering from abuse such as Gaslighting, then living a spiritual and mindful life will not only help you to cope, it will help you to recover.
And, being a spiritual, emotive, mindful, accepting, and understanding person will naturally attract other good people to you. Women especially like strong men with these qualities: and trust me, only a truly strong man can have these qualities.
Some say that spirituality and mindfulness is for Buddhist monks. And that all this emotional stuff gets in the way of getting ahead in life. All I know is that if you want to be truly happy in life, then maybe develop some spiritual and emotional strategies to become grounded and take steps to move forward.
perhaps Marmaduke is meditating
stupid to be alone or just damn dumb
I have done some terrible, stupid, and damn idiotic things in my life, but in the past few weeks I have been drifting between crazy and insane
Some drinking but not much, very bad insomnia, no good food, so I have been feeling weary and had no cognitive skills at all.
Luckily I am coming out of this fugue now, and becoming more like my real self.
I sincerely apologize to you all.
I have been feeling lonely and isolated
I can’t stop looking at you, can I buy you a drink?
on a stool at the bar
a foxy woman, solitary
older, alone in a dark corner
drinking straight bourbon, heavily
staring blankly down at the counter
conversations offered ending unhappily
perhaps I could and should have ignored her
I knew it could only end in one way
her bad memories, bitter tears
but gently I lead her away
carefully to my car
where she vomited, noisily, messily
the fox confirmed my worst fears
but later I still had my way
wealth, foxy women, and too much wine
can make anything happen in this life
(the poetic form is a bastardized Rondeau)
you can start with nothing,
and out of nothing and nowhere, you will find a way
if you sink low enough you could live in a building like this
Although I have been putting them on this blog for ages, I never understood quotations like the one at the top of this page, probably because I didn’t read them properly, and never took the time to think about them carefully enough. The little bit I thought I understood about self-help, self-development, self-denial, and spirituality I found to be rather twee, overly religious, and happy clappy churchy. How pretentious of me.
The modern church is producing passionate people with empty heads who love the Jesus they don’t know very well. ~ Voddie Baucham.
The same dismissive attitude applied if ever I attended a self-help group, but in all honesty I put that down to the fact that I dislike intensely all clubs, groups, associations….. In fact I don’t much like being any place with a bunch of weirdos who have a committee and a ‘chair’ because I very quickly get totally unimpressed.
And yet, I always felt that I was drifting through my dysfunctional life, with just the occasional passage of being; a very cool guy, living a really great life to keep me sane and interested. I was a mess, and the worst part was that I knew I had it in me to be a far, far better man than I had ever been before. Some things I had already accomplished, I still have a cool roof over my head living in the garret, I have money in the bank, and generally speaking I’m pretty fit, strong and healthy. (Admittedly I only just got of hospital, where they said I looked like a bad advertisement for death.) But, generally, as my school reports and annual reviews at work usually read; He could do better if he tried.
As you’ve sought out my blog, then maybe you think there are some parts of your life that aren’t looking so good either. And, that you could do a whole lot better if you tried.
The place to start is to stop doing all those things that completely fuck up your life.
- stop lurching from one disastrous relationship after another
- stop all that promiscuous casual sex that makes everyone with even an ounce of morality think you’re a cheap slut
- stop the drunkeness, drug taking, smoking, smoking pot
- give up the gambling, the impulsive buying of things you don’t need or want, spending and wasting a shit load of money you don’t have
- stop driving that junker of a car that gets you a ticket every time a cop can be bothered to pull you over
- stop getting yourself fired, or walking out on jobs you can’t afford to lose
- stop alienating your family and true friends, just because they might tell you the brutal truth about yourself
- stop being a total fucked-up jerk
Some say that there is a little good in all of us. And, that if you dig deep enough you will always find a treasure. All I know is that when I stopped being a total fucked-up jerk my life suddenly got much better.
selling yourself and your self-respect isn’t a good way to escape your fucked-up life
she has begged ‘please’ far too often to use the word lightly
for some sad women
a hard kiss with a fist
is better than none
they are alone and lost
the once love has gone
they are brutally abased
they are nothing, no one
used and roughly abused
he doesn’t want her love
he wants a fuck, she’s raped
she could adore someone
a real man, kind and just
he could be almost anyone
for some abused women
the bottle is their only escape
stalking is a serious crime with serious consequences
Stalking is cruel and incessant torture that can have terrifying results. The victim of a stalker can be tormented for years, left too scared to go anywhere, to leave their home, scared of the telephone ringing, unnerved by the slightest unexpected sound. Stalking is a crime that can paralyze an otherwise normal woman with fear, paranoia, and dread.
Your stalker is probably also an alcoholic, they have a sixth sense and know when you change your routine. Sometimes when you plan to be far away from anywhere they would expect you to be they will come home early, or call you, or when you stop to get petrol, (gas), they will be at the same gas station.
Stalkers have an obsessive over-identification with their unwilling target but also a latent envy of their talents and beauty. If they can’t possess the object of their obsession totally, they will destroy the victim’s qualities that they can never have. ~ Stewart Stafford.
Stalkers are cunning. Stalking can happen to you with or without a fear of physical violence, but it will involve verbal and mental abuse. This is not acceptable but is very difficult to prove and the authorities will be reluctant to take strong action. Stalking can even involve you constantly receiving flowers and other gifts, and there is fuck-all chance that the authorities will take any action over that.
Stalking also leads to threatening behaviour, physical attacks, serious sexual assault, serious physical harm, and murder.
The sad thing is that reality says that you will be your stalker’s active object of obsession for anywhere from one month to forty-some years ~ probably the rest of your sad and tortured life. So how to win?
Trust your instincts. Your family, friends, children will pressure you to downplay your stalker’s behaviour. Don’t, your own safety is your #1 priority, not keeping other people happy.
Call the police if you feel in immediate, clear, and present danger.
Keep a record, a stalking diary, tape all his phone calls and any verbal contact he has with you. Save all emails, texts, letters, photos, cards, and postings on social networking sites. In any event, if you are being stalked get off all social networking sites.
Get a restraining order from the courts ~ your stalker will undoubtedly ignore this.
Find a victims’ group, but beware, stalkers also try to attend these groups.
Murder, or having your stalker beaten up is not a good plan for you.
There is only one effective way to defeat your stalker, and that is to bug out, do the big geographical, just plan on getting out ~ but unless you really leave your old life behind your stalker will find you.
Some say that stalking is just a serious of coincidences. And that there is a very fine line between serendipity and stalking. All I know is that some ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, and estranged daughters need and deserve all the protection they can get.
eventually your stalker will grab you by the throat, you don’t have to let him choke you
that’s why I drink ~ escaping from the real world
Some situations you can find yourself in are uncomfortable, painful, difficult, dangerous, intolerable. It might be work, family, marriage, living with someone, romance, an affair, a stalker….. It could be as bad as gaslighting, where you are being psychologically manipulated so much as to doubt your own sanity. Or you could be verbally and physically abused, bullied, threatened, and deeply hurt.
I myself was once bullied at work by my director, aka the Ginger Bitch, she was a woman and I was a very senior and very successful executive. It made going in to work at all an immensely stressful thing, it kept me awake at nights, and I started drinking far too much. Drinking too much is only a temporary escape. For a while I fantasized about pushing her into traffic on a very busy London road, decided that wasn’t a good plan. So, I did the only sensible thing I could, and left that job, got myself out of there, escaped.
If you are in an intolerable situation, then the most sensible thing you can do is leave, get out, escape, leave town, change all your numbers and email addresses…..
And this is where it will get heartbreaking for you. Leaving home is a momentous decision you will shy away from making, put off for as long as possible. You would rather live in misery than make the irreversible decision to leave your abuser. Before that you will try all kinds of other ways to escape; booze, drugs, an affair, promiscuity, vacations on your own with all of the aforementioned.
It’s no good, eventually for your own safety and sanity you will have to leave. Before that you need to prepare;
- tell nobody of your plans, not family nor friends
- stash away a lot of cash in a place known only to you
- if you can find a place, say a storage unit, then stash away clothes, shoes, utensils, and anything else you might need in your new life
- get a new cell, new email id, new internet provider, new tablet
- decide where you are going to go, not to your family nor friends because your abuser will find you there ~ a woman’s refuge in another town is good
- leave home when your abuser is at work, at a bar, with their whore, vanish, disappear, tell no one or your abuser will find you
- buy a different car, preferably a van, pick up your stuff, and drive, keep to all the traffic laws, drive a long way in an unexpected direction
Sadly it might be more complicated than that. You may have kids in tow, you might be reported to the police as anything from a missing person to a kidnapper of your own children, you have no job so you might go broke fast, if you tell a relative where you are then your abuser will find you. Tell nobody, and I mean nobody where you are; send a postcard from another state to tell people that you are safe.
Some say that escaping is easy, it’s found at the bottom of a bottle of booze. And that things are bound to get better soon. All I know is that escaping takes bravery, determination, and a shed load of preparation.
just think how good freedom will feel
a healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice yourself
everyone in this picture is part of a toxic relationship
Extreme stress will kill you, but before that it will make you ill, take away your dignity and self-respect, take away your friends, maybe your career, maybe your children, and everything else you care for. One of the principal causes of stress, especially among women, is to be in a dysfunctional relationship. I say especially among women because thick-skinned, insensitive men have an uncanny ability to be utterly oblivious to things that are going badly wrong in a relationship, ignore how stressed and distressed their partner is, and if they were aware something isn’t right couldn’t care less about trying to make things better. Add to that, in many cases it is the guy, and the way he acts, that makes any relationship utterly dysfunctional in the first place.
Dysfunctional and toxic relationships range in severity from; two people just not being in love anymore, and not really getting along, maybe mostly ignoring one another, leading separate lives….. through mental abuse, verbal abuse….. and finally severe physical abuse, beatings, rape, and in the end murder. All of that is incredibly stressful and distressing.
Dysfunctional Relationships do not perform their appropriate function; that is, they do not emotionally support the participants, foster communication between them, appropriately challenge them, or prepare to fortify them for life in the larger world. ~ Tina B. Tessina Ph.D.
There are 7 key signs of a toxic and dysfunctional relationship;
- Tedium. The partners are bored sick with each other, do nothing together, have the same argument over and over again, never have sex…..
- Blaming. Everything is his / her / your fault, no matter what.
- Guilt. You’re constantly apologising for everything, even things that aren’t your fault at all. You do it mostly to keep the peace.
- Tension. You are always waiting for the explosion, dreading what he’s going to scream at you about next.
- Uncertainty. Where is he / she, what are they doing, when are they going to get home? One minute your partner is sweet and kind, the next you can do no right.
- Frustration. Doing even the simplest of things is hugely complicated and time-consuming. If you try to lead and take charge yo will be attacked, if you are passive you will be attacked for that instead.
- Hopelessness. The dark cloud hanging over your life will never go away, there’s nothing you can do, you are doomed and trapped forever.
I would add to that, a relationship is completely toxic if either or both of the partners indulges in; alcoholism, casual sex, drug abuse, gambling, promiscuity, extreme pornography, on-line dating, prostitutes / prostitution….. Just how stressful do you want me to get? If you’re in that kind of a relationship you are slowly dying.
The very sad thing is that toxic and dysfunctional relationships are a multi-generational sickness ~ if your parents were in a toxic relationship, then in all likelihood so are you.
Some say that their relationship is their sanctuary, no matter how toxic it is. And that he may be an alcoholic but we love each other, really, honestly….. All I know is that if you are suffering from severe distress all you can do is walk away, and never once look back.
Mental abuse is incredibly stressful
Mental abuse is torture
the greatest weapon against stress is;
our ability to choose one thought over another
Extreme stress and anxiety, the kind that dominates your life, gives you chest pains, and will eventually kill you should really be called distress; meaning extreme anxiety, sorrow, and pain. If you can identify with that, then you are not alone, many, many people suffer from that kind of distress ~ I did for a long, long time.
So how do you cope, how do you get through the day, each and every single fucking miserable, painful day? If you are like most people, myself included at the time, you will likely resort to taking a drink or three to numb the pain. You may also indulge in some other risky behaviours, casual sex, drugs, gambling, promiscuity, over-eating, smoking, starving yourself….. If you have been sensible you will have seen your doctor, and the chances are they will have given you an anti-depressant drug such as Prozac, or worse a beta-blocker or narcotic. Maybe your doctor will have referred you for talking therapy, but I doubt it, and if you did see a therapist / psychologist / psychiatrist I doubt if it did you much good.
To cope with anxiety, depression, and stress, to cure yourself of the debilitating effects of these interconnected mental illnesses, you have to change yourself and your life.
Stress comes from knowing what is right and doing what is wrong. ~ Larry Winget
You don’t want to know this, but the best way to cope with anxiety, depression, stress….. is to remove yourself from whatever is causing your pain. Snag is, not many are brave enough nor strong enough to leave their job, relationship, marriage, home, abuser, addiction….. I did, I left a highly paid career in International Banking and Finance because the stress was killing me. But there’s another problem, we can become so addicted to anxiety, depression, and stress, that when we take away one reason for our suffering we soon find another to replace it. I did, I left the stress of work and substituted instead the stress of dysfunctional interpersonal relationships ~ and all through all of it I was drinking heavily.
When I say that to escape from your suffering you will probably have to change yourself, your life, your career, your habits, your friendships, your relationships ~ I mean exactly that, and it’s hard. Medication, drugs, booze, and displacement activities will mask your pain for a while, but it’s a band-aid on an a broken heart. Talking therapy works with a good; counsellor / therapist / psychologist, but it will take 1 to 3 years before it’s really becoming effective. If you want something immediate, right now, something that works, then it’s down to you, and the first thing you must do is stop doing whatever you’re doing to mask the pain; drinking, useless medication, casual sex, drugs, gambling, promiscuity, over-eating, starving yourself….. Only then can you know yourself and deal with the causes of your pain.
Some say that their stress isn’t so bad. And that a couple of drinks in the evening makes it bearable. All I know is that if you drink every evening, for year after year, then you’re slowly killing yourself.
you may drink at home
rather than in a sleazy bar
the bad effects are the same
it’s not stress that kills us ~ it is our reaction to it
having your car broken into is a legitimate cause of distress
Today I’m at home in the garret after a week in hospital. While there I saw, among others, an oncologist and a nutritionist ~ after they talked together I was given detailed dietary instructions to help heal my kidneys, liver, and pancreas. Strangely, at the top of the healthy eating / life style instructions, right above where its says No Alcohol, it reads No Stress. Now, I know what my oncologist and nutritionist are getting at and it isn’t no stress whatsoever, because without some good stress we would die ~ that’s sensory deprivation. What they are getting at is no bad stress extreme enough to cause me Distress, because distress is a killer.
Fear and anxiety, distress and confusion, frustration and insecurity; these are the causes of more illness than all the bacteria, viruses, and parasites in the world. ~ Dr. Vernon Coleman.
Our bodies are hard-wired to react to stress in ways that were meant to protect us from predators and other dangers ~ today the threats are different but the physical responses are the same. The first thing that happens in the face of a perceived threat, like a serious problem in your relationship, is that your hypothalamus tells your adrenal glands to surge a release of fight-or-flight hormones including adrenaline and cortisol.
These hormones cause huge changes in the way your body works ~ increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, increased blood sugars, enhances your brain’s ability to use blood sugars, and increases your body’s ability to repair wounds. On the downside ~ your digestive system shuts down, your reproductive system shuts down, your growth processes shut down, and your immune system mostly shuts down.
It’s actually much, much worse than that, all these fight-or-flight hormones also attack something called Telomeres, which are protective casings at the ends of each and every strand of your DNA, in each and every cell of your body. It’s a bit complicated, so if you really want to know about this you will need to do your own research. But, the practical upshot of damage to the telomeres at the ends of your DNA is very bad indeed; cancers, all kinds of other nasty diseases, ill health, early death.
The thing is, for some people, the distress never goes away, so their body is in fight-or-flight mode all the fucking time, and this will make you very ill, (I was), and then it will kill you. You will suffer from;
- Digestive problems like ulcers
- Severe headaches
- Severe nosebleeds
- Heart and circulatory diseases
- Cognitive impairment and dysfunction
- Liver, kidney, and pancreatic diseases
- Mental illness
The medical profession are not good at diagnosing and treating stress, mostly because they’re not interested. They will be good at treating your heart problems, (for example), but not good at helping you with the real issue, which is your constant Distress.
Some say that they never worry about what could happen. And that they’ve never done anything wrong so why should they ever get stressed? All I know is that some people are so used to being distressed, that they think it’s normal.
an extreme reaction to stress