Tag Archives: Alcoholic Depression

The Guiding Light Shines

set your course by your bright guiding light

~

My ship was sinking

I was lost and alone

on the savage seas

inside my own mind

I could be very blind

and viciously unkind

dishonest and drinking

feeling fear and dread

then your bright light

pierced fog and gloom

shining far out to me

guiding me home

~

Storm wave

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

my guiding light shines

Rock Bottom

hitting rock bottom doesn’t mean I have to stay there

Everyone’s rock bottom is different.  Things could be worse for me; I still have a roof over my head, I still have money in the bank, and I haven’t hurt myself.  I’m haven’t been on the street drinking, and I haven’t been arrested.

My rock bottom is life-threatening sickness in body, mind, emotions, and spirit.  I feel so ill that I don’t want to eat and I can’t sleep.  I’ve been sipping a little weak beer to stave off the symptoms of acute alcoholic withdrawal, and because it helps ameriolate the worst symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. (a couple of cans a day)

I’m so emotionally distressed and depressed that I’ve been wondering if it’s worth going on at all.

And yet, some very kind people care about me, and my ending it all would be very unfair to them.

So, I need to pick myself up from this self-inflicted hell, take the time and do the right things to recover ~ writing this blog helps.

There are some kind people I care about very much, and I send them all my love.

~

Jack Collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

I need to find a new and better road

Unhappiness Doesn’t Work

Some don’t even ask for happiness, just a little less pain.

I’ve spent a lot of my life being miserable, angry, jealous, paranoid, depressed, in mental and spiritual pain.  From time to time I’ve shared my pain with others, especially those close to me.  In that I don’t mean that I’ve sat down and had a quiet and reasoned discussion. On the contrary, I’ve shared my pain by attacking people close to me verbally and in writing, or by just disappearing, or by getting drunk on the very spurious grounds that it would make others worry about me.

Just what part of my subconscious mind was hard-wired to think that being unhappy would do anything for me?  Except to exist in a state of unhappiness and pain being unhappy achieves very little.  To a sane mind, being unhappy should act as a spur to change whatever it is about one’s life that is making you unhappy ~ except it almost never does, because very few people have that degree of grounded and mindful sanity.

For many people being unhappy, miserable, angry, jealous, paranoid, depressed, in mental and spiritual pain becomes their normal state of being, it becomes their comfort zone.  And how utterly sad that one’s comfort zone is a place of utter and total negativity.

For some others those negative feelings act as a spur to find an escape ~ in alcohol, drugs, binge eating, gambling, pornography, inappropriate casual sex, self-harm, attempted suicide, making a big geographical change…..  For me, the escape from being in a bad dark place was always alcohol ~ and that worked for a while, just as all those other addictive behaviours may work for a while.  However, very quickly the cure becomes far worse than the problem of unhappiness, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain.

Addictive behaviours are not a cure, they are just another facet of the kaleidoscope of some serious underlying issue deep in the subconscious mind of the sufferer ~ it’s like throwing a drowning man a concrete lifebelt, or trying to put out a fire by throwing petrol, (gasoline), on it.  Giving someone with depression a bottle of booze and encouraging them to go out and fuck the first person they meet in a bar is just as bad ~ all it will do is destroy any feelings of self-worth they had left.

So why are so many people seriously unhappy, to the point that it can be classified as a mental illness?

Because we learned to be unhappy before we were old enough to know any better.  Before we were seven years of age, deep and undying unhappiness was inculcated into our subconscious mind by our parents, carers, older siblings, teachers, et al., and now it’s hard-wired into our subconsciousness.  And it doesn’t work.

How we break out of the downward spiral of misery will have to be the topic of another post.  This post is too long already.

Some say that they are unhappy because the world is a bad place.  And it’s all going to be OK because their doctor has given them some happy pills.  All I know is that unhappiness and misery doesn’t work.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

booze is a bad way to try to find escape from mental, emotional, and spiritual unhappiness

 

 

 

Retraction and Apology

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~

A few days ago I wrote a post entitled What’s in a Name?  In this post I was quite rude and dismissive of all things America and Americans.

I unreservedly apologise for most of the content of this post.  I would also like to say that I like America, I like most Americans, and I absolutely love some Americans.  As you can see I also like the Ford Mmustang and road trips in California.

If you think this is a sudden volte face, then maybe you should also read a post I also wrote quite recently Sometimes I Act Insane.

There is no excuse for the things I wrote in my post criticising America and Americans.  However, there was a reason for my negativity ~ if I feel threatened I act insane.

Luckily I think I have found a way to lay the deep, dark, demons created by my chronic fear of abandonment ~ go back in time and put things right.  Perhaps read another of my recent posts Letter to Myself ~ aged four and threequarters.  I never believed this kind of self-help magic worked, in fact I was a complete sceptic ~ but now I do believe some of the things I have been told, and the world seems a better place.

Please accept my sincere apology, and assurance that I won’t make this kind of stupid, nasty, vicious mistake again.

~

P1030778jackcollier7@talktalk.net

P1040484

Why do I go to extremes?

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~

I am an ‘all or nothing man’.

For me, things are either black or white.

Life is either paradise, or living in a garbage can.

It’s never morning or evening, it’s either day or night.

I am either as warm as a loving hug, or as bitter cold as ice.

It makes life hard, difficult, and painful, so why do I go to extremes?

They say it’s Borderline Personality Disorder, well there’s a bloody surprise.

But, I should remember that shit happens, and not take everything so to my heart.

~

P1040484words and pictures by jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

liebster-12

dawn’s destructive depression

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~

dawn breaks in sadness

sullen anger and tears

free me from madness

take away my fears

or leave me in blackness

to end these bitter years

~

Sunrise1words and pictures by jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

dark musings

P1010649

~

sombre introspection

depression evolves emotions

spirit withers

~

P1040270words and pictures by jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Under The Influence

TOO MUCH BOOZE CAUSES SEVERE PROBLEMS

Most people like to take a drink now and then.  Mankind has been consuming alcohol for thousands of years, and mostly it merely adds to conviviality.  Drink too much of the falling-down water too often and you could create a lot of problems for yourself and others.  How much is too much?  If you have ever done more than one of the following, more than once, then you drink too much.

  • Inappropriate behaviour.  Everything from insulting the boss at the office party to persisting to make very unwanted advances to a girl who has already said no.
  • Throwing up.  Vomiting after too much booze and the wrong sort of food is a common event.
  • Falling down in the street.  There’s a reason alcohol is sometimes called falling-down water.
  • Inappropriate sexual behaviour.  Girls who get drunk sometimes also sleep around ~ most men just want an easy lay.  Lack of money to buy drink makes people date inappropriately, become involved in the sex trade, sleep around, find a sugar daddy or a cougar…
  • Dishonesty.  Hiding booze, stealing booze, lying about how much you have had to drink, denial, lying about where you have been, drinking in secret, protecting your supply, making promises you have no intention of keeping, stealing cash, selling your stuff, selling other people’s stuff, and for studs and women, selling your body.
  • Complaints from family and friends.  The; Don’t you think you’ve had enough?  Ignore this and go on drinking, and you will lose your family and friends.
  • Sexually Transmitted Infections.  A direct result of too many sexual partners is that your chances of contracting everything from thrush to gonorrhea are increased dramatically.
  • Violence.  Drink and violence go hand in hand because booze suppresses the part of the brain that keeps humans under some sort of control.  Get drunk, sleep with the wrong person, and you could end up dead.
  • Weight gain.  In the early stages of drinking too much, one may also eat a lot of junk food and take no exercise.  These things can lead to visceral fat ~ the classic beer belly.
  • Drinking in dingy dives.  The person who drinks to much will eventually stop using smart wine bars and find that they use dingy pubs and scruffy dives instead.  Along with this will go drinking with some very dubious people.  You will have given up your gym membership.  By now you will probably have tried switching from Scotch to light beer, and totally given up on vodka and tequila.
  • Drinking in the morning.  If you take a beer when you get up in the morning, then you have a problem.  If you take a slug of vodka when you get up in the morning, then you have a really serious problem.
  • Insomnia.  We can’t stay awake when we drink, and we can’t sleep when we don’t drink.  We get up in the middle of the night to take a drink.
  • Lack of interest in hobbies and pastimes.  Actually this is not true for the problem drinker has an all-consuming hobby ~ alcohol.
  • Poor personal appearance.  Too busy drinking, and anyhow in the pub we now drink in everyone is unshaven and dressed in scruffy clothes, taking a shower is just too much effort.
  • Serious accidents.  Because booze suppresses that part of the brain which stops us from being reckless and stupid, we do things like take our eyes off the road to fiddle with the radio while driving at 100 miles per hour.
  • Alcoholic poisoning.  This can kill you.
  • Multiple addiction.  Many who drink too much are also addicted to smoking, gambling, casual sex, prescription drugs, street drugs, reckless behaviour.
  • Visits to hospital emergency rooms.  Friday and Saturday nights hospitals are full of the casualties of the drinking war.
  • Serious injury to yourself and others.  Funny how women who drink and drive always seem to hit something vulnerable, like a school bus queue.  Men who drink and drive just kill themselves.
  • Trouble with the police.  Everything from fighting in the street to rolling your car at 100 mph, while as drunk as a Lord.
  • Imprisonment or mandatory attention at a course for problem drinkers / drunk drivers / practitioners of domestic violence.
  • Losing friends and family.  It your loved ones are telling you that you drink to much, eventually you will lose them.
  • Lost time.  Drinking a lot will make you forget what you have been doing.  Drinking far too much will give you very frightening alcoholic blackouts.
Hungover-Denzel-Washington

What you do not want ~ an alcoholic pilot

  • Lost jobs.  There is a thing called a functioning alcoholic, these people are rare.  Mostly if you are hungover or drunk on the job you will be unable to do the job, then you will lose your job.
  • Mental illness.  Paranoia, depression, anxiety, dementia.  Self-medicating with booze is a bad idea.  Alcoholic depression is something you do not want, trust me, I know.
  • Self-harm and Suicide.  Alcoholic depression can lead to attempted suicide.  Sometimes attempted suicide leads to death.
  • Heart Disease.  Excess alcohol is directly linked to heart disease and an increased risk of strokes.  This is not something you want to suffer, unless you are in the grip of alcoholic depression.
  • Diabetes.  Visceral Fat is a sign that you are well on the way to type 2 diabetes.  You do not want to get diabetes.  Before it kills you, then you may well lose both legs.
  • Cancer.  Alcohol increases your risk of getting the 7 different types of the Big C.  Excessive alcohol causes cancer of the liver, bowels, breasts, mouth, upper throat, food pipe and the voice box.  You cannot live without your liver.  Alcohol has also been linked to kidney cancer and non-Hogkin lymphoma, but in this case booze reduces the risk of getting the diseases.
  • Big_Liver_Tumor

    A very diseased liver being removed

    Liver Disease.  Too much booze is bad for the liver, everybody know that.  In fact the liver just loves alcohol, and will process booze to the exclusion of everything else, until all the booze is out of your body.  Some symptoms of liver problems are; feeling sick, weight loss, jaundice, swollen ankles and stomach, confusion, vomiting blood, blood in the stool.  The stages of liver disease are; fatty liver, hepatitis, cirrhosis, death.  A diseased liver is not a pretty sight.

  • Alcohol can cause the alcoholic to lose everything in life.  Dignity, health, jobs, marriage, friends, family, money, safety and security, freedom, health, sanity, life itself.

As I said, if you have done more than one of those things more than once you may well have a problem with your drinking.  If you still do not recognise your problem, try taking a questionnaire such as  that offered by Alcoholic’s Anonymous.

There are no soft and easy answers to this.  If you even think you drink too much, or your family and friends say you drink too much, then stop drinking too much before it’s too late.  If you firmly recognise yourself in the comments I made above, then sorry, your only answer is to give up booze.  This is almost impossible.  Try and find some help.  Start with your doctor.  Eventually, if you are a real boozer and do not stop, you will die an early death.  Before that you will lose everything good that life has to offer.  It’s your choice.

 

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