I understood myself only after I destroyed myself
Psychiatrists tell us that there are 10 different types of personality disorder, and that suffers do not necessarily cleanly fit into just one category. They also tell us that there is a remarkable overlap between those diagnosed with a personality disorder and those who also display one or more addictive behaviours.
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and around 80% of those diagnosed with BPD also have substance abuse disorders; the most common being alcoholism, followed by addiction to cocaine, opiates, prescription drugs, and marijuana. Suffers from BPD are also likely to have other addictions such as being dangerously promiscuous and / or have gambling issues. In my case I spent several years as a near-alcoholic.
Any addictive behaviour, particularly booze or drugs, by those suffering from a personality disorder just makes everything much, much worse. Lives become more difficult, they become totally unresponsive to treatment, they become violent, and will threaten, attempt, or actually commit suicide. Around 10% of those diagnosed with BPD commit suicide, which is 1,000 times more than in the general population.
Therefore, in order to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder, (or any other personality disorder), the first prerequisite is to cease and desist from any addictive behaviours. In my case this means just don’t drink, stay sober, never touch booze. This never, ever means that someone in recovery can have one or two drinks, or smoke the occasional joint, or go to Vegas once in a while. Stopping means just that, stopping completely, forever, just one day at a time.
Sadly, the success rate for those attempting to recover from alcoholism, substance abuse, or any other addiction, is very low. More than half of all those who want to stop drinking will relapse within 3 months, more than half will die from booze, the side-effects of booze, accidents, or suicide. (Some say that 100% of those who don’t stop drinking or using will die from their addiction, its side-effects, or suicide. From personal experience I agree with that.)
There are a few rules to follow to stop drinking, using, or other addiction;
- stop being friends with people who you used to drink with, use with, have sex with, gamble with
- stay away from bars and other places where you used to drink or use, or whatever
- never, ever take the first drink, joint, pill, or whatever your addiction of choice
- do not get lonely, angry, hungry, or tired
- change your routines completely
- live one day at a time
Some say that the survival instinct is overwhelmed by the addiction. And that once an addict always an addict. All I know is that if I drink I will suffer very bad things
recovery means staying out of bars
water and booze should only ever meet in a glass
Here in very hot and sunny Turkey I’ve suddenly noticed how much people drink on vacation. And, maybe I’ve only noticed because I’ve been sober for a little while. Not so long ago I would have been boozing along with the best, and totally oblivious to how much others drank, or as is less likely, didn’t drink.
I am minded to think that copious quantities of alcohol, holiday uninhibitedness, skimpy clothing, heat, sun and deep water could lead to more sorts of trouble than one.
Some say that vacations are a time for fun, and never mind the consequences. And what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. All I know is that whatever you do and wherever you do it, there will be consequences afterwards. There is no such thing as a free ride.
I have pictures of people boozing,
but there are privacy issues
there’s a reason some women do that sometimes
I really didn’t think
she was always drinking
just usually very drunk
and high on skunk
and I shrank back
from ever thinking
about who she fucked
when she’d been drinking
strong drink gets weak women into trouble
A good pub is a magical place, right up until someone gets drunk.
In an effort to keep fit and healthy I take a daily walk around this one-horse seaside town, and it occurred to me that I pass a lot of bars and pubs. I said pass, in that I don’t go inside because I hardly ever drink these days.
Today I counted each and every pub and bar I walked past, and there were 37, and one lap dancing club.
That’s not counting the score or more of restaurants and diners who also sell alcohol.
I wondered how long it would take me to get through them all, if I stopped and had one drink in all the 37 pubs and bars I counted, plus the lap dancing club. I’m guessing a week or so, and I’m guessing I’ll be in a hell of a state by the time I’m through.
Maybe I’ll miss out the LGBT bar ~ or maybe not, it might be fun in there.
English pubs exist to sell beer.
Lots of beer, now there’s a temporary solution.
English Pubs Exist to Sell Beer
Despite what some would like to believe, beer is just as bad for you as any other alcohol, and depending how much of the brown falling-down-water you drink, beer is possibly worse that your other regular tipples. All booze has some very deleterious effects on your health, and the more your regularly drink the faster these bad things will happen to you.
Alcohol causes accidents in the home, on the road, and everywhere else you might find yourself after one too many drinks. Most people who commit suicide have been drinking heavily. Booze is also the direct cause of heart failure and other cardiovascular diseases, liver failure, fatty liver, hepatitis, and cirrhosis, sundry gastrointestinal disorders, pneumonia and other respiratory tract diseases, various cancers, pancreatitis, and diseases of malnutrition such as Wernicke’s encephalopathy, Korsakoff’s psychosis, amblyopia, and polyneuropathy. Without treatment you could die from all of these alcohol related dangers. Even with treatment some of the above will still kill you. If you don’t stop drinking, then you will die, horribly and before your time, from one or more of the nasty alcohol related killer diseases.
But, isn’t drinking beer safer? Isn’t it OK to have a few beers, every now and again.
Mostly, the answer to those questions is no. In a healthy adult, moderate drinking doesn’t cause too much damage, and by moderate I mean 1 pint of beer a day, or one standard size glass of wine a day ~ any more than that is quite damaging to your health. And you can’t save up your weekly quota and safely drink it all at the weekend either. Nor can you stay sober for a month and then get good and drunk to make up for all that boring sobriety ~ try that and you’ll most likely end up in vomiting your guts up, or in hospital, or dead.
So what about only ever drinking beer? Beer is made from water, a grain such as wheat or barley, and is usually flavoured with hops. Beer is usually between 4% and 12% alcohol by volume, (ABV). Your liver will take 1 hour to process a bottle of a weaker beer, and maybe 3 hours to process a pint of strong beer. While your liver is processing alcohol it isn’t doing anything else.
In comparison, wine usually has an ABV of 10% to 18%. Drinking an average size glass of wine is the equivalent of drinking a pint of strong beer. The ABV of spirits varies from between 35% to 60%, (sometimes more). A standard measure of spirits, (one shot), is about equivalent to drinking a bottle of strong beer.
The reasons beer is so bad for you is that there’s a lot of it by sheer quantity, which puts strain on your kidneys dealing with all that urine. Beer is full of grains which are packed with gluten and generally very bad for your digestion, there’s lots of calories in beer, and it’s got hops in it which is a soporific and also promotes the creation of estrogen in the body. Why do you think most beer drinkers are fat, have overhanging bellies, and guys who drink a lot of beer get man-boobs? Beer will kill you just as fast as any other alcohol, and it will make you very unattractive in the process.
Some say that beer is good for you. And that real men always have a few beers when they meet with the guys, or have a BBQ, or watch sports TV….. All I know is that people who drink beer become fat and unattractive, and then they die, before their time.
if the bottom falls out of your world,
drink Guinness and have the world fall out of your bottom.
alcohol is the world’s most addictive and most dangerous drug
Alcohol kills more people each year than all the other drugs combined ~ world-wide some three-million people a year will die from alcohol related causes. Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, meth, prescription drugs, tobacco…. all added together don’t kill as many people as booze. One third of all traffic fatalities involve alcohol. Booze will cause alcoholic poisoning, malnutrition, strokes, heart attacks, diabetes, cancers, a fatal coma, liver failure, pancreatitis, pneumonia, multiple organ failure, fatal accidents, suicides….. And when you end up in the emergency room the doctors and nurses will treat you like shit.
Yet drinking booze is socially acceptable, in fact if you don’t drink most people will think you are rather strange. And, if you used to be a boozer, and stop, and then go out with your old circle of friends, they will pressure you to take a drink and indulge all of your other addictions. And these are supposed to be your friends?
If you drink, then over time your drinking will get worse and worse until it kills you. Before the booze kills you, you will know physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual suffering.
Of all those people who try to stop drinking, only 2.5% will make it to 90 days sober. Of that 2.5%, only 2.5% will make it to 2 years, that’s 2.5 people out of every 1,000 who will be sober 2 years after they made the decision to stop drinking. Be one of the 0.25% who succeed. You have a better chance of success if you get help.
Those who tell themselves that they want to control their drinking, or stop all together, may try some futile and self-destructive strategies;
- lying to themselves about how much they are drinking ~ denial is dangerous
- switching from spirits to wine to beer, drinking only organic booze
- limiting the number of drinks they have ~ that never, ever works
- resigning their job and moving from where they are to somewhere different ~ this is called doing a geographical
- religion, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, taking anti-drinking medication ~ I have seen people on antibuse drink a hell of a lot in a session
- drinking in different bars where nobody knows them
- switching to a different addiction; smoking, gambling, unsafe casual sex, using other drugs, stealing, impulsive spending ~ although the chances are that real boozers were doing all those things at the same time they were drinking
- joining a gym, sports club, walking club, doing yoga, meditation classes…..
None of the above really works because most boozers are liars and cheats. You will drink again if you don’t do something radically different. Take a long hard look at yourself and accept that nobody and nothing is responsible for your drinking except you, and what’s going on with you. And if you are brutally honest with yourself, then you will probably be confused because you have no idea why you drink. The brutal honesty is good ~ stay with that
Don’t worry about the confusion for now ~ for now, just stay away from that next first drink. Next, stay away from everywhere you used to drink, and all those toxic false friends you used to drink with. Give up on all your other addictions. Now find yourself some support; Alcoholics Anonymous, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, the church, sober friends, YouTube…..
And over the next 90 days find out the truth of why you drink, and deal with that. In my case I was drinking because I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and now I am dealing with that.
Some say that you are just a worthless alcoholic, and will never think that you are anything else. And some say that they never want to see you again. All I know is that everyone has the angel of recovery inside them.
single malt scotch was my drug of choice
Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness. ~ Seneca
There’s a 1945 film noir called The Lost Weekend, starring Ray Milland, which explores the really bad side of drinking far too much. The lead character literally loses an entire weekend ~ and then tries to kill himself over the things he learns when all the misery and pain start to come back to him.
Alcohol and suicide go together like ham and eggs.
As it goes, any booze at all counts as drinking far too much for me. I have no tolerance for alcohol whatsoever. Most people can take a couple of drinks in safety; nothing really bad happens to them. These days I can’t even smell strong drink without something bad happening to me.
Ignorance is a lot like alcohol: the more you have of it, the less you are able to see its effect on you. ~ Jay Bylsma.
I took a couple of drinks on April 13th, and didn’t really come around again until April 19th ~ that’s very bad. I lost a whole week out of my life, and for what? I don’t even enjoy the best wines anymore
Night Sweats, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Sleep Terrors.
Night Terrors are not Nightmares ~ typically a nightmare happens when you’re in deep dream sleep, whereas night terrors wake you up, so the experience of a night terror is one of wakefulness. Night terrors are also different from Sleep Terrors, because a night terror will wake you up, whereas with a sleep terror you will have all the symptoms of extreme fear, but you will stay asleep. If you are awake, or partially awake, and terrified in the night, then the chances are you are suffering from night terrors, (which are a recognised psychological disorder).
Nightmares usually occur in the early morning during REM sleep when our dreams are at their most vivid. More often than not we can remember all the cinematographic details of a long, scary nightmarish dream when we first wake. On the other hand, night terrors usually happen during the first part of the night, aren’t part of REM sleep, and we won’t remember anything much other than waking up / being awake in a terrified state.
Typically, night terrors are caused by a previous psychological trauma, (such as an abusive childhood), or by stress, or by substance abuse, (such as drinking too much just before bedtime). However, as one of the causes of drinking too much before bedtime is a mental illness like Borderline Personality Disorder, which is itself probably caused by a previous psychological trauma, it’s fair to say that if you suffer from night terrors you’re probably drinking too much and suffered some severe disturbance / abuse / trauma in your past. Chances are if you’re in that situation you’re also feeling very pressured right now, and suffering from the symptoms of undue stress. It’s an illogical Catch-22 situation.
If you suffer from night terrors it’s likely that you wake very suddenly with an intense fear of something unknown / a nameless dread. Your heart will be beating fast, you will be breathing hard and fast, your blood pressure will be elevated, your eyes will be wide and staring, and you will be sweating. This is different from night sweats, which is severe and excessive sweating, without the associated terror. The common causes of night sweats are medical, and some of them are very nasty, such as cancer. However, one other cause of night sweats is drinking too much.
What night terrors will do to you is prevent you from getting the 7 to 9 hours of good quality sleep that most adults need every night. As well as making you feel tired, lethargic, and irritable, not getting enough sleep can cause lots of nasty illnesses such as; high blood pressure, strokes, and heart disease.
The most likely advice if you have night terrors when you get beyond your teens is that you should see a doctor. Good luck with that one, because the only real cure for night terrors is to treat the underlying problem(s). That will mean doing something about the effects of any psychological trauma in your past, and cutting out whatever drug you’re taking too much of late at night ~ including coffee, booze, prescription drugs, street drugs…
There are some very common-sense things you can do if you suffer from night terrors, sleep terror, nightmares, and / or night sweats ~ without resorting to medication and a long period of talking therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy. None of these are easy, or likely to give you a quick fix, but you should consider;
- Giving up booze completely, or cutting down a lot, and never drinking late at night.
- Quitting smoking ~ and if you smoke do not have a cigarette last thing at night.
- Stop using street drugs, and talk to your doctor about any prescription medication you are on.
- Late at night don’t drink coffee, and don’t eat a meal within 4 to 6 hours of bedtime.
- Stay hydrated. The average person needs 3 litres / 6 pints of water a day ~ but tea, coffee, wine, and beer don’t really help you to stay properly hydrated.
- Do not take a nap during the day, especially don’t take an afternoon nap.
- Go to bed at the same reasonable time every night, (if you need to be up at 7 am you need to be in bed at 10 pm), and get up at the same reasonable time each morning. Stick to this sleep schedule, even at weekends. Changing the time you go to bed, and the time you get out of bed, wrecks your internal body clock.
- Wind down in the evenings. Don’t use social media late at night or first thing in the morning. Instead practice a relaxing bedtime ritual, such as meditation and listening to relaxing, classical music.
- During the day get at least an hour of fresh air and moderate / vigorous / strenuous exercise.
- Make sure your bedroom is right for sleep. Your bedroom should be clean, tidy, quiet, very dark, still, and fairly cool, (between 60 and 67 degrees F). You really do need to sleep in total darkness and quiet.
- Make certain your mattress and pillows are comfortable for you. If your mattress is good quality it should last 10 years, after that, get a new one.
- Keep a sleep diary.
An episode of night terror can be brought on by worry, stress, emotional tension, fatigue, conflict, and especially too much alcohol late at night, (or more likely a combination of factors, including booze). How much is too much alcohol? Actually, too much booze is however many drinks puts your health and well-being at risk. For me, one drink is one too many.
After suffering night terrors you are likely to be utterly inconsolable, grown women, (and men), may cry, and the event may be so disturbing that your mind will wipe most of it from your memory. The next morning you won’t be able to remember what terrified you.
In adults, it is most likely that night terrors, sleep terrors, and nightmares have an underlying cause of previous severe stress, trauma, mental and / or physical abuse, and subsequent mental disorders and generalised anxiety. In fact, the underlying causes of sleep problems can be very similar to the underlying causes of addiction.
Not getting enough good quality sleep is a serious matter. The consequences are severe, up to and including death. If you’re suffering from night terrors, sleep terrors, nightmares, night sweats, then you really do need to take action right away. Start with the tips I’ve given above, but if you have to, go and see your doctor.
You are your own biggest asset.
A week or so ago I was at the dentist to have a bad tooth extracted. This should be a simple procedure, but most of this tooth had already broken off and the young dentist didn’t think he tould extract it by normal methods. So, he used a probe and tried to lever / pull it out. Then he used the probe, a lot of strength, and a small hammer. That mostly didn’t work. All that happened was that more and more of the tooth got broken off.
So, he took some more X-rays and referred me to the local dental hospital for surgery.
My first consultation is in a month’s time.
In the meantime I have some pain, I’m taking antibiotics, and strong pain medication. For a couple of days I tried adding booze to that mixture, which was a stupidly disastrous idea.
I can’t eat, can’t sleep, struggle to drink anything, struggle to talk, and thinking is a problem. It’s going to take weeks to sort this out. In this condition I could not safely work. Even in England, the cost of dentistry / medical bills / travel will be high. My immediate personal plans are up in the air.
This is all my own fault for putting off routine dentistry, and allowing dentists to do what they wanted to do, (cosmetic work), instead of what was really important. I did not take responsibility for my own health.
Without good health your financial situation is uncertain.
We should look after our own health;
- Don’t smoke, drink excessively, or abuse drugs.
- Take sensible exercise, eat properly, and get plenty of sleep.
- Don’t neglect routine healthcare.
But, most importantly, we should take full responsibility for our own health, and don’t just accept everything the ‘professionals’ tell us. The healthcare system doesn’t have as much invested in our own health as we do.
In one way or another poor health will cost you a fortune and destroy the quality of your life.
Coffee ~ I am giving up coffee for a month.
Just lately, I’ve noticed that around mid morning I’ve been feeling anxious and jittery, as though something bad was going to happen. Now it may well be that I’m prescient, and something really bad is about to happen to me, or to someone I care for. But, thinking about it, the more likely explanation for my endogenous anxiety is that I’m drinking too much coffee. Therefore, I have decided to be abstinent from coffee for one month from today ~ Thursday June 9th.
Giving up coffee for a while could also:
- improve my general health
- stop the jitters I get from time to time
- help with my quest to lower my blood pressure
- alleviate my terrible insomnia
- cure the constant headache I’ve had since March 23rd this year
- mean that I’m not always on the lookout for a bathroom
I thought about drinking decaffeinated coffee instead, but I’ve tried it and it’s as horribly pointless as alcohol-free beer. As I’m also abstinent from alcohol, I found a better alternative to booze in sparkling water, (club soda). For the next month, my better alternative to coffee is going to be green tea.
Allegedly, green tea has its own range of benefits.
Abstinence is giving up something you find pleasurable. So, as well as booze and coffee, I’m also giving up
- refined sugar
- wheat ~ it seems wheat is very bad for you, so no bread, nor cake
- eating foods full of preservatives, (which means buying organic produce)
- eating any pre-prepared or take-out food, which are always full of salt, sugar, and preservatives
- watching tv for more than 1 hour a day ~ take more exercise instead
- perfectionism ~ I am too much the all or nothing man, and far too judgemental
Giving up perfectionism may not happen, but I’ll try.
I will let you know how successful I’ve been on Monday July 11th.
Wish me luck.