there are some thoughts you can’t avoid,
and some feelings you can’t deny
When you have a personality disorder your mind will lie to you. Your subconscious mind will take a grain of truth and build it into a dark castle in the clouds with lightning all around. When that happens you will struggle to stay grounded. Your demons will create dismal feelings and negative thoughts that your conscious mind will need to react to and act upon. The anger, jealousy, paranoia, and resentments will overwhelm you. You will plan and scheme and in an instant come up with a way to hit back, to get even, to relieve the pain in your soul.
The saner part of you will know that it’s all twisted logic and internal doubletalk, but right there and then the saner part is no friend of yours. The very last thing you need when you are in that dark space is reasonable self-awareness and self-control, because you know that everybody lies to you and everyone betrays you. No one and nothing is to be trusted nor relied upon. The only things you can trust are the voices in your own mind. You will truly be all alone in Heartbreak Hotel.
The demons with their doubletalk are insidious, persistent, and pernicious ~ your demons are always there and they will never let up. Your demons will give you insane feelings and nightmares, driving you down to another rock bottom where the mental anguish will torture and torment you.
You may try to escape into booze, drugs, gambling, casual sex with strangers, isolating yourself, just disappearing, violence….. or you may attempt suicide, and you might just succeed. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and about 10% of all those with this mental malady commit suicide. Or , you may just threaten suicide. BPD is the only personality disorder where attempted suicide and threats of suicide are among the diagnostic criteria.
How then do you escape from your demons and their destructive doubletalk? Sad thing is you can’t. There is no cure for most personality disorders, (and the majority of other mental illnesses). There isn’t even any effective medication if you have Borderline Personality Disorder, and no responsible doctor would give drugs to anyone with BPD.
All you can do is try to recover from the worst effects of your mental malady. The demons will never go away completely, but you can stop listening to them. Act as if you know what love is. Act as if you have only good feelings. Act as if you are not being torn apart inside.
All I know is that if you keep doing what you did, you’ll keep on getting what you got.
the truth will always find you out
but lies are more powerful
the only way our problems will go away is if we solve them
Most of us, myself included, tend to ignore problems unless and until they step up and smack us in the face. If something bothersome, or a bit irritating, or mildly inconveniencing is going on in our lives it is very much easier to close our eyes and ears and ignore it, rather than deal with yet another piece of crap.
So; the check engine light has come on in our car….. and how many people will just ignore that for days or weeks until the next regular service is due? Or, we are fed up with opening the mail, which is always just bills and junk anyhow, so we stop opening our mail altogether. Or, in my own case, sometimes I would feel so bad that I would get blind drunk for days and days just to escape the emotional pain, rather than work on the causes of my torment.
I can absolutely guarantee that if there is a problem, no matter how slight, then unless we accept that there’s a problem and do something about it, that problem will grow and grow until a minor issue becomes something
fucking extremely serious. In my own case, my getting drunk and insensible was nothing to do with alcoholism, or liking the party life, it was because I have a very serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD). I’d, (sort of), known that for a few years, and so had my doctors, but did anyone actually do anything about it? Hell no. The easiest thing to do was ignore the real problem and get me some easy alcohol counselling instead. Controlled Drinking is an oxymoron.
About 10% of people suffering from BPD commit suicide, which is about a thousand times higher than the norm across the whole population. Booze was never my real problem, Borderline Personality Disorder was.
Same with car problems, the easiest thing to do is ignore them and assume they will all get sorted out at the next annual service….. whenever that is. That check engine light could just be a little electrical fault. Of course some real problems with your car might leave you stranded on the interstate in the middle of the night. Or kill you.
If you notice a small problem, or you’re unhappy about something, then you could just ignore it and assume it will go away of its own accord. And it might. But it’s more likely that in a while a small problem, that would have been so easy to fix back then, has turned into a very serious issue indeed.
I have learned that there are no shortcuts in life. That all the bad things that we feel, all the suffering we go though, and all the shit that happens to us are usually not the real problem ~ rather these are merely the symptoms of some deeper and more serious issue. Unless we put in the hard work, dig deeper until we understand our problems, then every now and again something fucking frightening is going to happen.
smoking and drinking in a bar alone solves no problems, and neither does casual sex
alcohol is the world’s most addictive and most dangerous drug
Alcohol kills more people each year than all the other drugs combined ~ world-wide some three-million people a year will die from alcohol related causes. Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, meth, prescription drugs, tobacco…. all added together don’t kill as many people as booze. One third of all traffic fatalities involve alcohol. Booze will cause alcoholic poisoning, malnutrition, strokes, heart attacks, diabetes, cancers, a fatal coma, liver failure, pancreatitis, pneumonia, multiple organ failure, fatal accidents, suicides….. And when you end up in the emergency room the doctors and nurses will treat you like shit.
Yet drinking booze is socially acceptable, in fact if you don’t drink most people will think you are rather strange. And, if you used to be a boozer, and stop, and then go out with your old circle of friends, they will pressure you to take a drink and indulge all of your other addictions. And these are supposed to be your friends?
If you drink, then over time your drinking will get worse and worse until it kills you. Before the booze kills you, you will know physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual suffering.
Of all those people who try to stop drinking, only 2.5% will make it to 90 days sober. Of that 2.5%, only 2.5% will make it to 2 years, that’s 2.5 people out of every 1,000 who will be sober 2 years after they made the decision to stop drinking. Be one of the 0.25% who succeed. You have a better chance of success if you get help.
Those who tell themselves that they want to control their drinking, or stop all together, may try some futile and self-destructive strategies;
- lying to themselves about how much they are drinking ~ denial is dangerous
- switching from spirits to wine to beer, drinking only organic booze
- limiting the number of drinks they have ~ that never, ever works
- resigning their job and moving from where they are to somewhere different ~ this is called doing a geographical
- religion, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, taking anti-drinking medication ~ I have seen people on antibuse drink a hell of a lot in a session
- drinking in different bars where nobody knows them
- switching to a different addiction; smoking, gambling, unsafe casual sex, using other drugs, stealing, impulsive spending ~ although the chances are that real boozers were doing all those things at the same time they were drinking
- joining a gym, sports club, walking club, doing yoga, meditation classes…..
None of the above really works because most boozers are liars and cheats. You will drink again if you don’t do something radically different. Take a long hard look at yourself and accept that nobody and nothing is responsible for your drinking except you, and what’s going on with you. And if you are brutally honest with yourself, then you will probably be confused because you have no idea why you drink. The brutal honesty is good ~ stay with that
Don’t worry about the confusion for now ~ for now, just stay away from that next first drink. Next, stay away from everywhere you used to drink, and all those toxic false friends you used to drink with. Give up on all your other addictions. Now find yourself some support; Alcoholics Anonymous, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, the church, sober friends, YouTube…..
And over the next 90 days find out the truth of why you drink, and deal with that. In my case I was drinking because I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and now I am dealing with that.
Some say that you are just a worthless alcoholic, and will never think that you are anything else. And some say that they never want to see you again. All I know is that everyone has the angel of recovery inside them.
single malt scotch was my drug of choice
Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness. ~ Seneca
There’s a 1945 film noir called The Lost Weekend, starring Ray Milland, which explores the really bad side of drinking far too much. The lead character literally loses an entire weekend ~ and then tries to kill himself over the things he learns when all the misery and pain start to come back to him.
Alcohol and suicide go together like ham and eggs.
As it goes, any booze at all counts as drinking far too much for me. I have no tolerance for alcohol whatsoever. Most people can take a couple of drinks in safety; nothing really bad happens to them. These days I can’t even smell strong drink without something bad happening to me.
Ignorance is a lot like alcohol: the more you have of it, the less you are able to see its effect on you. ~ Jay Bylsma.
I took a couple of drinks on April 13th, and didn’t really come around again until April 19th ~ that’s very bad. I lost a whole week out of my life, and for what? I don’t even enjoy the best wines anymore
dawn breaks in sadness
sullen anger and tears
free me from madness
take away my fears
or leave me in blackness
to end these bitter years
words and pictures by jack collier