Tag Archives: Alcohol and Suicide

Simplicity

life is really simple, but I insist on making it complicated

the desert isn’t complicated

I live in a world where being busy and achieving things is expected, and there are other expectations, arguments, and contrary opinions about everything.  My mind makes my life more painful than it really should be.  Life is really simple but I make it complicated.

At this time of year I look around at those I used to know well, and feel a little compulsion to keep up with their lifestyles and successes.  I feel that urge to fill my days with stuff to do and goals to achieve ~ creating new subordinates, colleagues, co workers, and money to fill the empty spaces in my life.  But colleagues and co workers are never friends past lunch-time.

I have planned vacations and dreamed of women who would enjoy doing very little with me.  But those women would be empty vessels and not real friends at all.  I will not five up all I am for a couple of weeks of fun.

It turns out that this is a had luck life and I had better accept that and live a simple life.  It’s not an easy choice.  It will take a bit of strength to find straightforward solutions to my problems, and rid my life of self-made complications and toxic people.  But it’s past time to de-clutter my life and my emotions.  Simplicity is the smart choice for healthy people.

Keep it Simple Stupid is a good mantra for me.  It’s a good life choice to rid myself of people that only make my life complicated.  No matter what happens I should ask myself ‘do I really want this’  am I just adding more stress and complications to my life?  Is what I am doing honest, open, clean, decent and with some real purpose?  Actually, over the past week the answer to those questions is no.

I have not been 100% honest and straightforward, I’ve been as crooked as a snake about some things, lied about some things, and wanted some other things I shouldn’t want.  Jealousy, envy, and covetousness are where I’ve been.

I know that I have a problem, and I should think twice before saying anything.  Fuck I am not a saint, and that’s what I need to be to get over Borderline Personality Disorder.

Some say that yo just have to carry on giving.  And that there is no end in sight.  All I know is that everything will be all right.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

I was there, and I was happier

Recovery and Addiction

I understood myself only after I destroyed myself

~

Psychiatrists tell us that there are 10 different types of personality disorder, and that suffers do not necessarily cleanly fit into just one category.  They also tell us that there is a remarkable overlap between those diagnosed with a personality disorder and those who also display one or more addictive behaviours.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and around 80% of those diagnosed with BPD also have substance abuse disorders; the most common being alcoholism, followed by addiction to cocaine, opiates, prescription drugs, and marijuana.  Suffers from BPD are also likely to have other addictions such as being dangerously promiscuous and / or have gambling issues.  In my case I spent several years as a near-alcoholic.

Any addictive behaviour, particularly booze or drugs, by those suffering from a personality disorder just makes everything much, much worse.  Lives become more difficult, they become totally unresponsive to treatment, they become violent, and will threaten, attempt, or actually commit suicide.  Around 10% of those diagnosed with BPD commit suicide, which is 1,000 times more than in the general population.

Therefore, in order to recover from Borderline Personality Disorder, (or any other personality disorder), the first prerequisite is to cease and desist from any addictive behaviours.  In my case this means just don’t drink, stay sober, never touch booze.  This never, ever means that someone in recovery can have one or two drinks, or smoke the occasional joint, or go to Vegas once in a while.  Stopping means just that, stopping completely, forever, just one day at a time.

Sadly, the success rate for those attempting to recover from alcoholism, substance abuse, or any other addiction, is very low.  More than half of all those who want to stop drinking will relapse within 3 months, more than half will die from booze, the side-effects of booze, accidents, or suicide.  (Some say that 100% of those who don’t stop drinking or using will die from their addiction, its side-effects, or suicide.  From personal experience I agree with that.)

There are a few rules to follow to stop drinking, using, or other addiction;

  • stop being friends with people who you used to drink with, use with, have sex with, gamble with
  • stay away from bars and other places where you used to drink or use, or whatever
  • never, ever take the first drink, joint, pill, or whatever your addiction of choice
  • do not get lonely, angry, hungry, or tired
  • change your routines completely
  • live one day at a time

Some say that the survival instinct is overwhelmed by the addiction.  And that once an addict always an addict.  All I know is that if I drink I will suffer very bad things

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

recovery means staying out of bars

Demons and Doubletalk

there are some thoughts you can’t avoid,
and some feelings you can’t deny

When you have a personality disorder your mind will lie to you.  Your subconscious mind will take a grain of truth and build it into a dark castle in the clouds with lightning all around.  When that happens you will struggle to stay grounded.  Your demons will create dismal feelings and negative thoughts that your conscious mind will need to react to and act upon.  The anger, jealousy, paranoia, and resentments will overwhelm you.  You will plan and scheme and in an instant come up with a way to hit back, to get even, to relieve the pain in your soul.

The saner part of you will know that it’s all twisted logic and internal doubletalk, but right there and then the saner part is no friend of yours.  The very last thing you need when you are in that dark space is reasonable self-awareness and self-control, because you know that everybody lies to you and everyone betrays you.  No one and nothing is to be trusted nor relied upon.  The only things you can trust are the voices in your own mind.  You will truly be all alone in Heartbreak Hotel.

The demons with their doubletalk are insidious, persistent, and pernicious ~ your demons are always there and they will never let up.  Your demons will give you insane feelings and nightmares, driving you down to another rock bottom where the mental anguish will torture and torment you.

You may try to escape into booze, drugs, gambling, casual sex with strangers, isolating yourself, just disappearing, violence….. or you may attempt suicide, and you might just succeed.  I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and about 10% of all those with this mental malady commit suicide.  Or , you may just threaten suicide.  BPD is the only personality disorder where attempted suicide and threats of suicide are among the diagnostic criteria.

How then do you escape from your demons and their destructive doubletalk?  Sad thing is you can’t. There is no cure for most personality disorders, (and the majority of other mental illnesses).  There isn’t even any effective medication if you have Borderline Personality Disorder, and no responsible doctor would give drugs to anyone with BPD.

All you can do is try to recover from the worst effects of your mental malady.  The demons will never go away completely, but you can stop listening to them.  Act as if you know what love is.  Act as if you have only good feelings.  Act as if you are not being torn apart inside.

All I know is that if you keep doing what you did, you’ll keep on getting what you got.

~

lies & truthjack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

the truth will always find you out

but lies are more powerful

Problems Just Don’t Go Away

the only way our problems will go away is if we solve them

Most of us, myself included, tend to ignore problems unless and until they step up and smack us in the face.  If something bothersome, or a bit irritating, or mildly inconveniencing is going on in our lives it is very much easier to close our eyes and ears and ignore it, rather than deal with yet another piece of crap.

So; the check engine light has come on in our car….. and how many people will just ignore that for days or weeks until the next regular service is due?  Or, we are fed up with opening the mail, which is always just bills and junk anyhow, so we stop opening our mail altogether.  Or, in my own case, sometimes I would feel so bad that I would get blind drunk for days and days just to escape the emotional pain, rather than work on the causes of my torment.

I can absolutely guarantee that if there is a problem, no matter how slight, then unless we accept that there’s a problem and do something about it, that problem will grow and grow until a minor issue becomes something fucking extremely serious.  In my own case, my getting drunk and insensible was nothing to do with alcoholism, or liking the party life, it was because I have a very serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD).  I’d, (sort of), known that for a few years, and so had my doctors, but did anyone actually do anything about it?  Hell no.  The easiest thing to do was ignore the real problem and get me some easy alcohol counselling instead.  Controlled Drinking is an oxymoron.

About 10% of people suffering from BPD commit suicide, which is about a thousand times higher than the norm across the whole population.  Booze was never my real problem, Borderline Personality Disorder was.

Same with car problems, the easiest thing to do is ignore them and assume they will all get sorted out at the next annual service….. whenever that is.  That check engine light could just be a little electrical fault.  Of course some real problems with your car might leave you stranded on the interstate in the middle of the night.  Or kill you.

If you notice a small problem, or you’re unhappy about something, then you could just ignore it and assume it will go away of its own accord.  And it might.  But it’s more likely that in a while a small problem, that would have been so easy to fix back then, has turned into a very serious issue indeed.

I have learned that there are no shortcuts in life.  That all the bad things that we feel, all the suffering we go though, and all the shit that happens to us are usually not the real problem ~ rather these are merely the symptoms of some deeper and more serious issue.  Unless we put in the hard work, dig deeper until we understand our problems, then every now and again something fucking frightening is going to happen.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

smoking and drinking in a bar alone solves no problems, and neither does casual sex

Giving up Booze

alcohol is the world’s most addictive and most dangerous drug

Alcohol kills more people each year than all the other drugs combined ~ world-wide some three-million people a year will die from alcohol related causes.  Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, meth, prescription drugs, tobacco…. all added together don’t kill as many people as booze.  One third of all traffic fatalities involve alcohol.  Booze will cause alcoholic poisoning, malnutrition, strokes, heart attacks, diabetes, cancers, a fatal coma, liver failure, pancreatitis, pneumonia,  multiple organ failure, fatal accidents, suicides…..  And when you end up in the emergency room the doctors and nurses will treat you like shit.

Yet drinking booze is socially acceptable, in fact if you don’t drink most people will think you are rather strange.  And, if you used to be a boozer, and stop, and then go out with your old circle of friends, they will pressure you to take a drink and indulge all of your other addictions.  And these are supposed to be your friends?

If you drink, then over time your drinking will get worse and worse until it kills you.  Before the booze kills you, you will know physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual suffering.

Of all those people who try to stop drinking, only 2.5% will make it to 90 days sober.  Of that 2.5%, only 2.5% will make it to 2 years, that’s 2.5 people out of every 1,000 who will be sober 2 years after they made the decision to stop drinking.  Be one of the 0.25% who succeed.  You have a better chance of success if you get help.

Those who tell themselves that they want to control their drinking, or stop all together, may try some futile and self-destructive strategies;

  • lying to themselves about how much they are drinking ~ denial is dangerous
  • switching from spirits to wine to beer, drinking only organic booze
  • limiting the number of drinks they have ~ that never, ever works
  • resigning their job and moving from where they are to somewhere different ~ this is called doing a geographical
  • religion, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, taking anti-drinking medication ~ I have seen people on antibuse drink a hell of a lot in a session
  • drinking in different bars where nobody knows them
  • switching to a different addiction; smoking, gambling, unsafe casual sex, using other drugs, stealing, impulsive spending ~ although the chances are that real boozers were doing all those things at the same time they were drinking
  • joining a gym, sports club, walking club, doing yoga, meditation classes…..

None of the above really works because most boozers are liars and cheats.  You will drink again if you don’t do something radically different.  Take a long hard look at yourself and accept that nobody and nothing is responsible for your drinking except you, and what’s going on with you.  And if you are brutally honest with yourself, then you will probably be confused because you have no idea why you drink.  The brutal honesty is good ~ stay with that

Don’t worry about the confusion for now ~ for now, just stay away from that next first drink.  Next, stay away from everywhere you used to drink, and all those toxic false friends you used to drink with. Give up on all your other addictions.  Now find yourself some support; Alcoholics Anonymous, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, the church, sober friends, YouTube…..

And over the next 90 days find out the truth of why you drink, and deal with that.  In my case I was drinking because I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and now I am dealing with that.

Some say that you are just a worthless alcoholic, and will never think that you are anything else.  And some say that they never want to see you again.  All I know is that everyone has the angel of recovery inside them.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

single malt scotch was my drug of choice

The Lost Week

Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.  ~  Seneca

There’s a 1945 film noir called The Lost Weekend, starring Ray Milland, which explores the really bad side of drinking far too much.  The lead character literally loses an entire weekend ~ and then tries to kill himself over the things he learns when all the misery and pain start to come back to him.

Alcohol and suicide go together like ham and eggs.

As it goes, any booze at all counts as drinking far too much for me.  I have no tolerance for alcohol whatsoever.  Most people can take a couple of drinks in safety; nothing really bad happens to them.  These days I can’t even smell strong drink without something bad happening to me.

Ignorance is a lot like alcohol: the more you have of it, the less you are able to see its effect on you.  ~  Jay Bylsma.

I took a couple of drinks on April 13th, and didn’t really come around again until April 19th ~ that’s very bad.  I lost a whole week out of my life, and for what?  I don’t even enjoy the best wines anymore

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

dawn’s destructive depression

P1010594

~

dawn breaks in sadness

sullen anger and tears

free me from madness

take away my fears

or leave me in blackness

to end these bitter years

~

Sunrise1words and pictures by jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

Under The Influence

TOO MUCH BOOZE CAUSES SEVERE PROBLEMS

Most people like to take a drink now and then.  Mankind has been consuming alcohol for thousands of years, and mostly it merely adds to conviviality.  Drink too much of the falling-down water too often and you could create a lot of problems for yourself and others.  How much is too much?  If you have ever done more than one of the following, more than once, then you drink too much.

  • Inappropriate behaviour.  Everything from insulting the boss at the office party to persisting to make very unwanted advances to a girl who has already said no.
  • Throwing up.  Vomiting after too much booze and the wrong sort of food is a common event.
  • Falling down in the street.  There’s a reason alcohol is sometimes called falling-down water.
  • Inappropriate sexual behaviour.  Girls who get drunk sometimes also sleep around ~ most men just want an easy lay.  Lack of money to buy drink makes people date inappropriately, become involved in the sex trade, sleep around, find a sugar daddy or a cougar…
  • Dishonesty.  Hiding booze, stealing booze, lying about how much you have had to drink, denial, lying about where you have been, drinking in secret, protecting your supply, making promises you have no intention of keeping, stealing cash, selling your stuff, selling other people’s stuff, and for studs and women, selling your body.
  • Complaints from family and friends.  The; Don’t you think you’ve had enough?  Ignore this and go on drinking, and you will lose your family and friends.
  • Sexually Transmitted Infections.  A direct result of too many sexual partners is that your chances of contracting everything from thrush to gonorrhea are increased dramatically.
  • Violence.  Drink and violence go hand in hand because booze suppresses the part of the brain that keeps humans under some sort of control.  Get drunk, sleep with the wrong person, and you could end up dead.
  • Weight gain.  In the early stages of drinking too much, one may also eat a lot of junk food and take no exercise.  These things can lead to visceral fat ~ the classic beer belly.
  • Drinking in dingy dives.  The person who drinks to much will eventually stop using smart wine bars and find that they use dingy pubs and scruffy dives instead.  Along with this will go drinking with some very dubious people.  You will have given up your gym membership.  By now you will probably have tried switching from Scotch to light beer, and totally given up on vodka and tequila.
  • Drinking in the morning.  If you take a beer when you get up in the morning, then you have a problem.  If you take a slug of vodka when you get up in the morning, then you have a really serious problem.
  • Insomnia.  We can’t stay awake when we drink, and we can’t sleep when we don’t drink.  We get up in the middle of the night to take a drink.
  • Lack of interest in hobbies and pastimes.  Actually this is not true for the problem drinker has an all-consuming hobby ~ alcohol.
  • Poor personal appearance.  Too busy drinking, and anyhow in the pub we now drink in everyone is unshaven and dressed in scruffy clothes, taking a shower is just too much effort.
  • Serious accidents.  Because booze suppresses that part of the brain which stops us from being reckless and stupid, we do things like take our eyes off the road to fiddle with the radio while driving at 100 miles per hour.
  • Alcoholic poisoning.  This can kill you.
  • Multiple addiction.  Many who drink too much are also addicted to smoking, gambling, casual sex, prescription drugs, street drugs, reckless behaviour.
  • Visits to hospital emergency rooms.  Friday and Saturday nights hospitals are full of the casualties of the drinking war.
  • Serious injury to yourself and others.  Funny how women who drink and drive always seem to hit something vulnerable, like a school bus queue.  Men who drink and drive just kill themselves.
  • Trouble with the police.  Everything from fighting in the street to rolling your car at 100 mph, while as drunk as a Lord.
  • Imprisonment or mandatory attention at a course for problem drinkers / drunk drivers / practitioners of domestic violence.
  • Losing friends and family.  It your loved ones are telling you that you drink to much, eventually you will lose them.
  • Lost time.  Drinking a lot will make you forget what you have been doing.  Drinking far too much will give you very frightening alcoholic blackouts.
Hungover-Denzel-Washington

What you do not want ~ an alcoholic pilot

  • Lost jobs.  There is a thing called a functioning alcoholic, these people are rare.  Mostly if you are hungover or drunk on the job you will be unable to do the job, then you will lose your job.
  • Mental illness.  Paranoia, depression, anxiety, dementia.  Self-medicating with booze is a bad idea.  Alcoholic depression is something you do not want, trust me, I know.
  • Self-harm and Suicide.  Alcoholic depression can lead to attempted suicide.  Sometimes attempted suicide leads to death.
  • Heart Disease.  Excess alcohol is directly linked to heart disease and an increased risk of strokes.  This is not something you want to suffer, unless you are in the grip of alcoholic depression.
  • Diabetes.  Visceral Fat is a sign that you are well on the way to type 2 diabetes.  You do not want to get diabetes.  Before it kills you, then you may well lose both legs.
  • Cancer.  Alcohol increases your risk of getting the 7 different types of the Big C.  Excessive alcohol causes cancer of the liver, bowels, breasts, mouth, upper throat, food pipe and the voice box.  You cannot live without your liver.  Alcohol has also been linked to kidney cancer and non-Hogkin lymphoma, but in this case booze reduces the risk of getting the diseases.
  • Big_Liver_Tumor

    A very diseased liver being removed

    Liver Disease.  Too much booze is bad for the liver, everybody know that.  In fact the liver just loves alcohol, and will process booze to the exclusion of everything else, until all the booze is out of your body.  Some symptoms of liver problems are; feeling sick, weight loss, jaundice, swollen ankles and stomach, confusion, vomiting blood, blood in the stool.  The stages of liver disease are; fatty liver, hepatitis, cirrhosis, death.  A diseased liver is not a pretty sight.

  • Alcohol can cause the alcoholic to lose everything in life.  Dignity, health, jobs, marriage, friends, family, money, safety and security, freedom, health, sanity, life itself.

As I said, if you have done more than one of those things more than once you may well have a problem with your drinking.  If you still do not recognise your problem, try taking a questionnaire such as  that offered by Alcoholic’s Anonymous.

There are no soft and easy answers to this.  If you even think you drink too much, or your family and friends say you drink too much, then stop drinking too much before it’s too late.  If you firmly recognise yourself in the comments I made above, then sorry, your only answer is to give up booze.  This is almost impossible.  Try and find some help.  Start with your doctor.  Eventually, if you are a real boozer and do not stop, you will die an early death.  Before that you will lose everything good that life has to offer.  It’s your choice.

 

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