The sins of the fathers will be visited upon the children…..
Our parents told us to be wise, look ahead, be strong, don’t look back, get a job, be cool….. That’s if we were lucky. If we were unlucky they mostly ignored us, left us to fend for ourselves while they were out doing adult things. If we were very unlucky we witnessed a dysfunctional relationship, totally filled with an utter lack of love. For some it was worse than that, with one of their parents being an abusive alcoholic while the other merely acted as an enabler. There will be blood on the lawns of those homes.
Children who had abusive parents, or were from dysfunctional families, would grow up with all kinds of mental problems; Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Depression. Alcoholism, drugs, gambling, and other addictions are also common among adults who suffer from mental health problems created in their childhood. The likelihood is that they will struggle with their own psychological and spiritual problems for all of their adult lives, mirroring the lives of their parents. They too will find themselves in dysfunctional or abusive relationships, treatment centres, rehabilitation centres. and hospitals of one kind or another for one reason or another. If they are wise they will not have children of their own.
I know this because I have suffered some of this, and I have also known many people who have suffered a less than ideal childhood and have turned out to be less than perfect adults and parents. Sadly many of the suffering people I used to know are dead; alcoholism, drug use, accidents, sundry medical problems, suicide…..
If you’re suffering from anything I’ve mentioned above, you will also know that the caring professions are mostly
fucking damn useless at helping people with mental illnesses or addictions of any kind. You may get talking therapies, and you will probably be prescribed all kinds of nasty medication, neither of which will be of much help. You may have tried 12-step recovery groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon. Not many stick around these 12-step groups for long. But there is something that helped me.
One thing often said in these 12-step groups is; ‘fake it until you make it’, or ‘fake it to make it’. In other words if what you want to be is a kind, caring, sober person, then ‘act as if’ you were that person. This technique is widely accepted in the field of Neuro Linguistic Programming. And, keep telling yourself; ‘I am a kind, caring, sober guy’. If you believe it, then you actually are that guy. Self-talk does work.
It turns out that I believe my own self-talk ~ ‘I’m a cool and charismatic guy, living a really great life’. I can be anyone and anything I want to be. I can manifest any kind of life I want, need, desire, or dream of ~ providing I don’t give in to lusts or base emotions.
There has been blood in my garden, blood helps the flowers grow.
in your race for self-destruction
stop to smell the flowers
According to many respectable scientists, alcohol is the 5th most addictive drug going, (after heroin, cocaine, nicotine, and prescription barbiturates). This is by potency, not by the number of addicted users ~ if you in add that factor then alcohol is the second most damaging drug known to man, (after nicotine).
About a 25% of all the people who have ever had an alcoholic drink will develop a dependence on it at some time in their lives. In the USA one in five people admitted to hospital, (for any reason), are alcohol dependent. In the USA about 25 million people regularly abuse alcohol, of which about 88,000 will die of it each year, (not including accidents).
Given all the facts, there is a very good chance that you are in a relationship with an alcoholic, or someone who abuses alcohol.
This gives you some very serious problems.
As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker then you can lower them. ~ Robin Williams
Illness ~ people who drink too much will get sick, and if they don’t strop drinking they will die from the consequences of their alcohol abuse. The kinds of illnesses suffered by people who abuse alcohol include; anemia, cardiovascular problems, cancers, dementia, infertility, liver diseases, memory problems, stomach problems, strokes….
Behavioural and Psychiatric ~ Leaving aside acting like a fool at parties and being thrown out of bars, too much booze leads to a greatly increased risk of serious psychiatric problems such as anxiety and depression, which can lead to suicide.
Domestic Violence ~ Almost without exception, people who drink too much are lacking in self-love, in fact deep-down they care nothing for themselves. Given these two facts, deep-down they also neither love their partner nor care for them. This can, and does, lead to every form of domestic abuse known to man, up to and including marital rape and murder.
Many alcoholics are emotionally stunted and are unable to contain their emotions. ~ Angie Lewis
Child Abuse ~ As well as immediate physical and mental trauma, children in a dysfunctional alcoholic relationship suffer changes to their brains which results in lifelong psychological issues such as; depression, drug addiction and schizophrenia.
Money ~ Even before they are fired or quit their job, people who drink too much will have serious money problems. Alcohol is expensive, the things which go with alcohol are even more expensive, which brings me to ~
Lechery…. drink provokes the desire, but takes away the performance. ~ Shakespeare
Sex ~ People who drink too much have two sexual states; wanting it whenever and where ever they can get it, and being incapable of it. The first leads to unreasonable demands, domestic rape, bars, sluts, strip clubs, hookers, affairs and mistresses, the second can lead to violence.
Actually, I could extend this list for another few thousand words. Alcoholic abuse, and every other form of addiction, creates dysfunctional relationships, destroys lives, ruins families, and has effects which will be suffered by any children in the relationship, and those children’s children.
Our parents were our first gods. If parents are loving, nurturing and kind, this becomes the child’s definition of the creator. If parents were controlling, angry, and manipulative, then this becomes their definition. ~ David W. Earle
Drug and alcohol rehabilitation statistics show that the percentage of people who will relapse after a long period of recovery is somewhere between 50% and 90%. At the very best, the statistics show that the chances of long-term recovery, (more than 5 years), from alcoholism is about 1 in 3. I have seen, supposedly reliable, statistics which show that the percentage of men who are still alive and sober after 10 years of entering recovery is 4%, less than 1 chance in 20.
What can the non alcoholic, or non addicted partner do if they are in a dysfunctional relationship with a boozer, a gambler, a drug addict? The very short answer is ~ Leave. Especially get your children out of there.
The longer answer is that there are a number of family support networks starting with Al-Anon. Get medical help, try to get the alcoholic / addict into rehab, get them committed, arrested, get a restraining order, plead, beg,… But Be Very Aware ~ Until the alcoholic / addict / gambler / whatever, really truly wants to recover, you are wasting your time. However low you think you are, there is a rock bottom much lower, and another even lower than that.
This post is written from a male viewpoint.
My name is jack collier, and I am a recovering alcoholic.