now that she’s gone

I pushed her away, into the evening light, a million miles away

~

from afar

where the night ended

a happy cry said it wasn’t over

and all at once I had it all

nothing else mattered

but my tears

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

wait ’till you see me cry

with tears of joy over my smile

Hobbies for Health

for me, saving the world and everyone in it is only a hobby

Now that I’m recovering from a bloody awful mental affliction, a good friend has suggested that I take up a hobby.  You know what?  After a moments reflection I decided that was a brilliant idea.  So I will take up a hobby.

But what is a hobby anyway?  Where do other ordinary normal day-to-day pursuits become hobbies?  And does a proper hobby have to be mostly harmless, inefficient, laborious, and useless?  I confess I googled hobbies and found a few incredibly long lists of hobbies, some of which activities I would have just taken to be everyday pursuits; like watching television.  No!

But I have a first stab at a short list of potential hobbies which may occupy my time, give me pleasure, be relaxing, and stop me having suicidal thoughts;

  • Art, and I mean doing it, most probably painting.  Thus far in my life the only things I’ve painted were walls, doors, cars, and boats.
  • Angling / Fishing.  I used to fish and gave it up because I felt sorry for anything I caught.
  • Calligraphy.  As it goes I have very good classical penmanship ~ but calligraphy takes that to a whole new level where writing in pen and ink becomes art.
  • Model making, although this seems a bit of a kids pastime.
  • Photography, which I already do a lot of but I could do more and do it better.
  • Reading.  I do a hell of a lot of that, but I’m certain there’s a way to turn casual reading into a constructive hobby.
  • Survivalist.  Not that I live in an earthquake zone, but add some of the other hobbies I’ve already thought about and I’m already a fair way to being a survivalist
  • Travel.  I love to travel, but is it a hobby for me, and could I turn it into one?  Maybe by mixing it with photography and writing.
  • Walking.  On average I walk 5 miles a day, but that’s not serious hobbyist walking.  More serious walking includes hiking, backpacking, and trekking.  So I have joined our local Ramblers Club, (how very English), who meet a couple of times a month and do some serious miles in all weathers.
  • Writing, and I already do some of that too, including being in a local writers group.

I’ve already realised that if you want your normal everyday activity to become a hobby you have to add a lot of time, money, and obsessiveness into the mix.  I can’t even turn my 5 miles a day walk into a hobby without buying a lot more expensive kit.

But, if you have any other ideas for a healthy, relaxing, challenging, difficult, self-improving activity, then please just tell me.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

also, I do like making practical things; such as this planter

Friendship and Truth

a single rose can be my garden ~ a single friend, my world

Many believe that just because they spend a lot of time with someone, then they are friends.  Or if they are lovers, then they must also be friends.  Or if they just like being with someone, then they must be friends.  Perhaps, and perhaps real and true friendship means much more than that.

Generally, two people are drawn together for some very simple and constantly repeating reasons.  And the most common of these is that they are co-workers.  It’s difficult to spend 8 hours a day with someone without wanting them to be your friend.  There are also some good reasons to be friends with your co-workers; like it gives you someone to go to lunch with.  On the other hand, I’ve worked very closely with people I hated ~ just couldn’t stand them, and outside of working together saw and spoke to them as little as possible.

Common interests also bring people together, for example liking the same sport, pastime, or hobby.  I became friendly with some people I went to a group with, but whether we were real friends is another matter.  I also became friends with some guys I played golf with, but outside of a liking golf we had few other things in common, (except we came from the same socio-economic background).

Common interests include some things that will never create true friendships; ‘drinking buddies’, drugs, gambling, casual sex, stealing….. generally things that people do after dark.

Shared values also bring people together, and here the list is long and strange.  We can include; truth and honesty, thrift and generosity, the church, religion, human rights, charitable causes, politics, green issues, animal protection, belief in a flat Earth, belief in UFOs, belief in extra-terrestrial civilisations, belief in past lives…..  The thing is, if people share the same values they also tend to create groups to support their values and special interests.  But, shared values are not enough to create a true friendship, they just bring people together.

Conversely, if two people have very divergent values they can never become true friends.

Of course, one reason people might say they are friends is if they are having sex.  Fucking someone doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re friends ~ probably people who just have sex are not real friends.  Some marriages might have good sex in them without the partners being true friends.

As far as I’m concerned, before yesterday I was never a true and honest friend with anyone, ever.  I suffer from a serious mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, and unless and until you are recovering from that you cannot ever be a real friend to anyone ~ there is just to much boiling shit going on in your mind.  Today I know I am recovering from my illness, and today I hope I have 3 friends.  Three is a good number.

Some say that honest people never hear the truth.  And that very honest people are very impolite.  All I know is that real friendship is based on honesty, openness, and trust.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

today there is a garden in my life

Tunes on Tuesday ~ Londonbeat

I can change the world, but I can’t change me

These days you can’t buy Londonbeat’s albums in any store I know of  ~  very rare just doesn’t describe it.

As you would expect this song is for a woman I know  ~  someone I’ve wronged in the past.  But that’s a much longer story than I can tell here.  (My one temptation was not another woman.)

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

this is Tower Bridge

not London Bridge

ILLNESS

only in the darkness can you see the moon and stars

~

when I was ill and I didn’t want to be

I didn’t know what was wrong with me

yet there was a Iight I just couldn’t see

for when I walked down near the sea

the moon and stars were shining on me

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

when you’re going through the darkness

keep on going

 

Monochrome Monday ~ Abandoned

art is never finished, only abandoned

~

~

~

~

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

there’s more than one kind of abandoned

Borderline Personality Disorder

one second I’m perfectly fine, the next I can explode like a volcano

I suffer from a serious mental illness, and there is no cure.

The major symptoms I suffer from are;

  • I have a great fear that the people I care for will abandon me and hurt me.
  • I suffer from very intense emotions, and mood swings.
  • I am an all or nothing, black and white person.
  • I do not have a strong sense of self, (and I have no idea what that means).
  • I find it extremely hard to make and keep stable relationships.
  • I have hurt the people around me.
  • I act impulsively and some of the things I do are dangerous.
  • I am the original ‘angry man’.
  • I suffer from Retroactive Jealousy
  • I suffer from disassociation ~ sometimes people, places, and things don’t seem quite real to me.  This also means I can suffer from amnesia and false memories.
  • I have ‘attempted suicide’ as a cry for help.
  • To escape the pain of my symptoms I can drink far too much.

There is no cure for this illness, but with intensive therapy over I long period I could recover.  Snag is that the only therapy I’m getting is the therapy I give myself from books and the internet.  It’s called self-directed therapy, and it’s the most painful thing I have ever done in my life.

~

jack collier

 jackcollier7@talktalk.net

It’s a long and rocky road indeed.

Scenes on Sunday ~ Travel

travel broadens the mind 

~

~

~

~

~

~

Jack Collier

jackcollier7 @talk talk.ne

t

Scenes on Sunday ~ Cool Cars

a car isn’t a cool classic just because it’s old

~

but some cars are always cool

~

~

~

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

a connection to place,

to the land and the sky,

any long road trip is very special

When There Is No Cure

there is no in-between, it is either all or nothing

sometimes you just explode

Our personalities stem from deep within our subconscious and are everything about the way we feel, react, and act.  A personality disorder is when parts of our personality cause problems in our lives.  A personality disorder will adversely affect how you cope with life, deal with relationships, how you behave every second of every day, and how you feel.  There is no cure.

The symptoms of a personality disorder may be treatable, but the underlying damage to your personality is not.  Because there is no cure, any treatment has to be long-term and specific to the individual concerned.  For example, some personality disorders respond well to medication, (Bi-Polar Disorder), while for others medication is both useless and probably dangerous, (Borderline Personality Disorder).

The men in white coats now believe that personality disorders are hard-wired into whoever is unfortunate enough to suffer one of the 10 different disorders, and they say that’s about one in twenty of the population.  (Personally I believe that far more than 5% of people are living with a serious personality disorder.)  The theory is that is you have a personality disorder you will never be able to shake off its symptoms.  This is not true.

Personality Disorders are most likely incurable, but the symptoms can be managed.

  • Crisis management.  Self-harm and suicide is common among sufferers of a personality disorder.  I have Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), and about 10% of all those who suffer from BPD kill themselves.  At times you may be hospitalised for your own safety and because you are a danger to others.
  • Medication.  There are some drugs to help sufferers of depression, anxiety, mood-swings, and psychosis.  Medication does not treat the underlying personality disorder, merely the symptoms.  Mostly antipsychotic medication is no more effective than a placebo, and has horrible side-effects.
  • Talking Therapy.  Depending on where you live there may be a few talking treatments that just might help suffers of a personality disorder. These include art therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive analytic therapy, and dialectical behaviour therapy.
  • Sheltered living.  Some suffers of personality disorders have such difficulty in dealing with everyday life that spending a long period in a therapeutic community is the only way they are able to cope at all.
  • Learning about your illness.  The likelihood is that anyone suffering from a personality disorder spends a lot of time in the confusion of not knowing WTF is happening to them.  If you learn, then you know, you may understand, and then you may be able to recover.
  • Self-Directed therapy.  The chances of me receiving any suitable treatment in my lifetime are just about zero.  Therefore my only recourse is to use self-help.  Luckily self-help treatment for personality disorders does work ~ if you do the hard work, every single fucking day of your life.
  • Avoidance behaviours.  Most sufferers of a personality disorder are / or have been into alcohol abuse, drug misuse, gambling, compulsive shopping, unsafe casual sex, never leaving home…..

Some say that if you have a personality disorder you may as well just curl up and die.  And that extreme avoidance behaviour is the way to go.  All I know is that if you do the hard work you can get over the sh*t and be happier.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

never leaving home is one solution

it is NOT a viable long-term solution

 

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