Category Archives: Personal Style

Treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder

wandering through a desolate wasteland of your own making

I guess I have suffered from untreated Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), for most of my life.  I shouldn’t feel so bad because BPD is mostly incurable, and all many of we sufferers can do is learn how to minimise how the symptoms and traits that blight our lives.

As far as possible treatments go…..

Medication is usually neither effective nor recommended for sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Many suffers of this terrible illness self-medicate with copious quantities of alcohol, marijuana, and other street drugs ~ and then they become addicts.  I’ve tried the booze thing, over and over again, just to escape the pain and suffering.  It works for a while, because a boozer will eventually just pass out.  However, the cure soon becomes worse than the disease.  Too much booze can kill you in so very many ways, and anyone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder will always drink far too much strong liquor.  Eventually one has to stop drinking for a while, and for a while after you stop drinking you might feel so physically ill that you believe you are going to die.

If you are in crisis your doctor might give you a sleeping pill or tranquilizer, but should not ever prescribe more than a week’s supply ~ there is too much danger that someone suffering from BPD will take an overdose, possibly in an attempt to kill themselves.

Your doctor may prescribe Prozac, (fluoxetine), which is an SSRI, (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor), an antidepressant used to safely treat depression, anxiety, OCD, (obsessive compulsive disorder), maybe Bipolar Disorder, and eating disorders.  Prozac makes you want to commit suicide.  When you stop taking Prozac you will have some unpleasant withdrawal symptoms.

In a tiny study, (of 12 patients suffering from BPD), all showed some improvement after taking Prozac over an extended period, but none in the trial had suffered from terrible depression.  Nowhere is Prozac said to be an effective treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.

Of the talking therapies, current thinking is that Dialectical Behavior Therapy, (DBT), is most effective at treating BPD.  The thing about DBT is that it focuses on honestly accepting who we are, and that is the real key to living a good life if you have fucking Borderline Personality Disorder.

Good luck in finding a counselor skilled in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or getting the funding for the long and intensive course of treatment you really need.  The best you might get is some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is where Dialectical Behavior Therapy came from in the first place.

Personally, I have found a great deal of benefit just watching and listening appropriate podcasts on internet sites like YouTube.  What I have learned is that no matter how fucking chaotic, evil, and negative my feelings are, I DO NOT NEED TO LET MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS AFFECT MY BEHAVIOUR.

Some say that they never realised that they were acting like a jerk, or a bitch.  And that they thought that everyone had distressing feelings all the time.  All I know is that I can be a cool guy, living a really great life ~ even though I have an incurable personality disorder.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

even in the short term drinking will not help people with a problem

The Physical Benefits of Yoga

Be where you are, not where you think you should be.

My post earlier today was about rain ~ sort of.  Doing yoga in the warm summer rain is uplifting.  Yoga in the foothills of the Himalayas must be even more so.

Yoga is a 5,000 years old form of exercise that is focused on strength, flexibility, breathing, and mindfulness to boost physical and mental health and wellness.  Yoga is safe, effective, and beneficial ~ especially when it comes to increasing your strength, flexibility, balance, and inner peace.  Yoga tends to improve posture, and far too many people slouch these days, up to and including me, at times.  There is strong evidence that regular yoga has a positive impact on people who suffer with high blood pressure, cardio-vascular diseases, arthritis, migraines, IBS, fibromyalgia, sundry aches and pains, lack of mobility, depression, and anxieties.  I just find that spending time every day doing a little man-type yoga makes me feel better.

Scientific studies on the physical benefits of yoga show that it helps to alleviate the pain and stiffness of osteoarthritis, but, the symptoms of arthritis can make some yoga positions difficult and painful in themselves.  However, whatever yoga one can do helps improve the arthritis sufferer’s range of movement, and strengthens the muscles around painful joints.  Those with the autoimmune disease of rheumatoid arthritis also benefit from yoga ~ there will be improvements in overall physical health, walking, energy levels, mood, and reduced pain.

The purpose of yoga is to build strength, awareness, and harmony in both the mind and body.  ~  Natalie Nevins, M.D.

The physical benefits of yoga include:

  • increased flexibility
  • increased muscle strength and tone
  • much improved posture
  • prevents cartilage and joint breakdown
  • improved bone density
  • helps the lymphatic system and boosts immunity
  • helps to fight cancer
  • better breathing, energy, and vitality
  • better balanced metabolism
  • better weight control
  • improved cardio-vascular health
  • reduces high blood pressure
  • improved athletic and sexual performance
  • protection from injury

There is also strong evidence that shows regular yoga practice leads to an increase in serotonin, and a natural decrease in monoamine oxidase.  What this means is that we feel happier, more positive, more energised, and are less likely to suffer from depression.  For me, happier is good.

Some say that yoga is just for girls and metrosexual guys.  And, that we should all get a grip and concentrate on everyday life.  All I know is that everyday life isn’t everything.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

how long to capture that shot?

it doesn’t really matter,

in meditative Yoga time is immaterial.

Honesty and Openness

Trying to make sense of crazy will drive you crazy.

working late again

There is a truism that everybody lies all the time.  People lie the most to those they are closest to, and often tell the honest and open truth to those that don’t matter at all.  The lies might be deliberate untruths, or a lie may be not telling the whole truth.  A lie by omission is still a lie.  Perhaps the biggest and most hurtful lies are when someone you care for just doesn’t tell you anything at all about something important to your relationship.

The biggest lies, the most lies, are about money and sex.  Someone who cheats on a partner is going to need to weave an immense tissue of lies.  Someone who steals, spends their partner’s money, dissembles, deceives, tricks, and seduces will undoubtedly always have been a liar, and will always be a liar ~ especially they will lie to themselves.

Because liars do not just lie to others, and since they also and always lie to themselves, they often don’t understand honour, honesty, and truth .  Trust me I’ve been there, I have compulsively lied to others, told tall tales, lied by omission, and lied to myself.  Maybe that was not my fault.  For years I suffered from a serious and undiagnosed personality disorder, an emotional illness that I found more than ordinarily difficult to cope with.

Being honest and open takes courage.  Finding an acceptable way to tell an uncomfortable truth takes a lot of emotional energy.  Letting someone know the real you by telling the unvarnished truth is not something many are prepared to do.

I appreciate people who tell me the truth in a gentle way, even when it’s tough to say.  ~  Karen Salmansohn.

Even harder than always telling the truth when asked is being open ~ allowing another person into your comfort zone, letting down the barriers you’ve built precisely to stop others from knowing the real you.  Not many are prepared to let anyone else know who they really, really used to be, are now, and their dreams, desires, and wishes for the future.  These are the most personal things imaginable, often difficult and painful to even think about, let alone talk of.  But it’s precisely because these things in our past, present, and future may be difficult, painful, embarrassing, shaming, and outside of societies accepted ethics that we should be prepared to share them openly and honestly with those we care for the most.

Some say that they never tell a lie, and that is always a lie.  And that they never hide the real truth, and that is always untrue. All I know is a a man is never more honest than when he admits himself a liar.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

and some people can’t help themselves

they are compulsive liars and always will be

walk away

Giving up Booze

alcohol is the world’s most addictive and most dangerous drug

Alcohol kills more people each year than all the other drugs combined ~ world-wide some three-million people a year will die from alcohol related causes.  Cocaine, heroin, marijuana, meth, prescription drugs, tobacco…. all added together don’t kill as many people as booze.  One third of all traffic fatalities involve alcohol.  Booze will cause alcoholic poisoning, malnutrition, strokes, heart attacks, diabetes, cancers, a fatal coma, liver failure, pancreatitis, pneumonia,  multiple organ failure, fatal accidents, suicides…..  And when you end up in the emergency room the doctors and nurses will treat you like shit.

Yet drinking booze is socially acceptable, in fact if you don’t drink most people will think you are rather strange.  And, if you used to be a boozer, and stop, and then go out with your old circle of friends, they will pressure you to take a drink and indulge all of your other addictions.  And these are supposed to be your friends?

If you drink, then over time your drinking will get worse and worse until it kills you.  Before the booze kills you, you will know physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual suffering.

Of all those people who try to stop drinking, only 2.5% will make it to 90 days sober.  Of that 2.5%, only 2.5% will make it to 2 years, that’s 2.5 people out of every 1,000 who will be sober 2 years after they made the decision to stop drinking.  Be one of the 0.25% who succeed.  You have a better chance of success if you get help.

Those who tell themselves that they want to control their drinking, or stop all together, may try some futile and self-destructive strategies;

  • lying to themselves about how much they are drinking ~ denial is dangerous
  • switching from spirits to wine to beer, drinking only organic booze
  • limiting the number of drinks they have ~ that never, ever works
  • resigning their job and moving from where they are to somewhere different ~ this is called doing a geographical
  • religion, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, taking anti-drinking medication ~ I have seen people on antibuse drink a hell of a lot in a session
  • drinking in different bars where nobody knows them
  • switching to a different addiction; smoking, gambling, unsafe casual sex, using other drugs, stealing, impulsive spending ~ although the chances are that real boozers were doing all those things at the same time they were drinking
  • joining a gym, sports club, walking club, doing yoga, meditation classes…..

None of the above really works because most boozers are liars and cheats.  You will drink again if you don’t do something radically different.  Take a long hard look at yourself and accept that nobody and nothing is responsible for your drinking except you, and what’s going on with you.  And if you are brutally honest with yourself, then you will probably be confused because you have no idea why you drink.  The brutal honesty is good ~ stay with that

Don’t worry about the confusion for now ~ for now, just stay away from that next first drink.  Next, stay away from everywhere you used to drink, and all those toxic false friends you used to drink with. Give up on all your other addictions.  Now find yourself some support; Alcoholics Anonymous, counselling, hypnosis, psychotherapy, doctors, the church, sober friends, YouTube…..

And over the next 90 days find out the truth of why you drink, and deal with that.  In my case I was drinking because I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and now I am dealing with that.

Some say that you are just a worthless alcoholic, and will never think that you are anything else.  And some say that they never want to see you again.  All I know is that everyone has the angel of recovery inside them.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

single malt scotch was my drug of choice

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

even when I feel nothing, I feel it totally and intensely

Beautiful Nothingness

Personality disorders are a type of mental health problem where attitudes, beliefs, and behaviours cause longstanding difficulties in your life.  Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), is a serious mental illness characterised by extreme emotional instability, rapid and violent mood swings, and a terrible fear of abandonment.

There is no shortage of deception, abandonment, and betrayal out there.  The world is full of lying, uncaring, unstable people.  We may give our hearts, time, and spend our money to and for those who do not care for us as much as we would like them to, our expectations are not met, and this causes us much pain.  For those who have Borderline Personality Disorder any failure to meet their expectations creates immense suffering because it magnifies their extreme behavioral traits.

Sufferers of Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD), can exhibit 9 extreme behavioral traits or symptoms;

  1. Chronic and morbid fear of abandonment.  You would do anything to stop people from leaving you, yet you will make it happen.
  2. Intense, chaotic, and unstable interpersonal relationships; from intimate, to family members, to coworkers….. People around suffers of BPD often feel as though they are on an extreme rollercoaster.
  3. Unstable or no self-image, or sense of self.  Who am I?  Why am I here?
  4. Damaging impulsivity, self-destructive behaviour, behaving without thinking, taking risks; such as reckless driving, drink driving, problem drinking, casual sex, gambling, impulsive spending.
  5. Melancholia and depression leading towards self harm, thoughts of suicide, threats of suicide, attempted suicide. Sometimes the attempted suicide works and people die.
  6. Inappropriate, rapid, intense, and extreme mood swings; anxiety and depression, anger, euphoria…..
  7. A feeling of emptiness, pointlessness, ennui.
  8. Intense, immediate, inappropriate explosive anger that is difficult to control, followed by almost immediate remorse.  People walk on eggshells around someone with BPD.
  9. Severe paranoia, suspicion, disassociation, feeling spaced-out, out of body experiences.

to be diagnosed with BPD you suffer from 5 or more of the nasty things listed above.

People who have BPD do not handle stress or unexpected events well ~ the extreme behavioural traits listed above will get worse if the sufferer is under external or internal stress, or if something unexpected happens, or if they are told something they don’t expect.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, and from time to time I have exhibited all 9 of the traits listed above.  Like most people with BPD I cope very badly with stress and the unexpected.  I am also very prone to what is called Splitting, which is black and white thinking, complete focus; which means that people, places, and things are either all good, or all bad ~ but this judgement can change very rapidly.

Some say that I am too sensitive, that I feel too much.  And, that I always seem to destroy everything.  All I know is that I’m so happy that I can’t stop crying.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

sometimes pain is good

the thorns are as beautiful as the rose

Spirituality on Sunday

to walk the warriors path is to continually step out into the unknown

For years my life was based on self-belief, selfishness, and instant gratification.  I was a one-dimensional man, and deep down I was always afraid.  I went to church but I had no belief, I was married but there was no love, I was successful but all that gave me was money.

When we as human beings are disconnected from our true selves we place ourselves in a perilous position.  Our sense of identity becomes lost and we are prey to evils from within and without ~ anger, arrogance, envy, fear, greed, jealousy, lust, paranoia…..  There is no inner peace and little joy in our lives.  We act without thought for others, and we react to real or perceived attacks and slights with anger and extreme verbal or written or even physical aggression.  There is no real love in our lives, either for ourselves or for other people.

Just as a candle cannot burn without fire, men cannot live without a spiritual life.  ~  the Buddha

Without spirituality, without a belief in a power outside of ourselves, outside of that which we can explain through modern science, we do not live, we just exist.  This leads to serious physical, mental, and emotional problems and illnesses.  Alcoholism, explosive anger, drug addiction, gambling, infidelity, inappropriate casual sex, lust, resentments, narcissism, self-doubt, paranoia, fear, cowardice…..  It is not by chance that the second step of 12-step recovery programs is; Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Accepting that there is a Power greater than ourselves is the beginning of spirituality, the beginning of a real connection with our true selves.  Spirituality means evolving our consciousness, and at each level of evolution we react to the Cosmos in different ways.  Most people are driven by what is happening in the world outside them, some shape their lives to live in the world they choose, and a very few change themselves by looking at the world inside themselves.  Extraordinary people learn to reshape themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally ~ learning inner peace, true happiness, and how to love themselves and others.

There are three principles to reaching inner peace, knowing our true selves, and spirituality;

  • associate with like-minded people, people who strengthen us. avoid toxic people and toxic relationships
  • put aside time every day to make and strengthen the connection with our true selves. rest, meditate, harmonise your heart and brain
  • transform our character; turn arrogance into humility, hate into love, paranoia into trust

Some say that there is no God, no Higher Power, nothing greater than man and science.  And that Spirituality ranks alongside Magic, Sorcery, and the belief in a Flat Earth for stupidity.  All I know is that a Power greater than myself restored me to sanity.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

 

My own mind was a prison

 

Scenes on Sunday ~ Cold Beaches

not all beaches bask under a Californian summer sun

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jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

this is what it’s like in sunny California

what a smashing lifeguard

Life Goes On

No matter what happens, life goes on, until the day you die

a murder of crows is a sign of good news

Most of us experience torment, pain, failure, disaster, and tragedy.  Most of us learn that love is blind and that love can be cruel.  Some may suffer from serious debilitating illnesses.  Others may have mental, spiritual, and psychological problems.  More than a few will battle an addiction for most of their lives.  Some may have hit rock bottom and struggle with shame and fear.  For many there will be no relief or comfort until it’s over, and a tragic few some may hasten the end through taking their own lives.

You may have experienced such moments yourself or observed those around you going through the slough of despond.  You, or a member of your family, or a loved one, or a friend, may have struggled for years to find a way to make it through each and every single fucking day.  It is in times like those that achieving goals, making plans, realising dreams, can seem a million light years away.  Instead time is spent coping with shock, pain, grief, sadness, depression, frustration, fear, tears, fighting not to take that next drink, or snort that next line of coke.  Emotions are raw and painful, feelings are negative in the extreme, and the mind can run away like an out of control dynamo.  Nothing means anythng, and nothing makes any sense.

In three words I an sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.  ~  Robert Frost

But, life goes on.  Most of us, given time, maybe given the right support at the right time, most of us are able to return to our dreams and goals, to our plans and schemes, and continue along the warriors path to one form of success or another.

For most of us the pain, grief, and sadness we have experienced will mean that we return to the warriors path stronger than we were before ~ wiser, kinder, more supportive, more accepting, and more understanding.  The struggle changes us, and it may be true that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.  Our priorities, our wants, needs, and desires will have changed as we fought our inner demons or struggled with the shit the world has thrown into our lives.  What may have seemed important to the shallow and inconsequential people we were before no longer matters to the toughened survivors we have become.  What may seem important to the ordinary folks around us matters not one jot to we who have endured hell and returned.

Some say that they just can’t go on, they can’t take it any more.  And that life has taken away everything they have ever loved, wanted, dreamed of, desired, and needed.  All I know is that when it is at its worst the important thing is to just keep putting one foot in front of another.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

find a way to make it

whatever it takes hold on to the light

Songs on Saturday ~ Dog Days Are Over

the hottest days of summer are called the dog days

I have this on 12 inches of hard black vinyl.

This track sounds unbelievably good played on a proper record player ~ a fucking an extremely expensive proper record player.

Please listen responsibly.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

you can’t play 12 inches of black vinyl on an old wooden box

Reinventing Yourself

Reinventing yourself is an essential process if you want to flourish

I came to a point in my life where I knew that I had to change, it was time to make a fresh start.  As we mature, as we learn and gain greater wisdom, it is inevitable that our goals, dreams plans, and expectations change.  And for some of us, struggling with difficult emotional, mental, and psychological problems, we know that we need to let go of that which doesn’t work any more, never really worked, and was never going to work as far as our personal life and relationships are concerned.

It’s first of all about letting go of expectations, resentments, and hard-wired negative emotions.  It’s about exploring and educating ourselves in new ways of living, it’s about finding ways to cope with those hard-wired negative emotions, it’s about discovering new ways of being, doing, thinking, and feeling.

Invent yourself and then reinvent yourself….. and reinvent your life because you must; it is your life and its history and the present belong only to you.  ~  Charles Bukowski

However, I kid you not, unless you are reinventing yourself as an even worse version of the person you are today, (and I have seen many do that), then making a fundamental change to who and what you are, is fucking very difficult.

You can become a new, different, and better person very easily using your conscious mind ~ but know this, your conscious mind is only in control of your actions for about 5% of the time, the other 95% of the time your subconscious mind is in charge.  And you can’t talk to your subconscious and tell it that you’ve changed because there is nobody in there.  Your subconscious is made up of a set of programs that just run in response to stimuli and rewriting those programs is next to impossible.

One proven way to do it is called Habituation or Act As If.  It’s like learning to drive a car, you practice and you practice until a new set of ‘driving programs’ is stored in your subconscious.  So if you want to stop drinking, smoking, taking drugs, gambling, having endless casual sexual relationships, being a jerk, being a thief…..  then you need to practice and practice not doing those negative things and instead be a better person until those new and better programs are stored in your subconscious.  It will take a year or two.

The snag is that your family, ‘friends’, coworkers, partners in crime, et al., will sabotage you at every turn.  If you’re trying to stop drinking / smoking / taking drugs and you go out with your old circle of friends they will encourage you to drink / smoke / use ~ and the chances are you will give in.  They will continue to label you as alcoholic, addict, slut, jerk, thief, chain-smoker….. in casual conversation and when describing you ~ and that is how they will always think of you.  And none of that is helpful.

The lesson is, if you are reinventing yourself you have to leave behind your old life ~ including all those unsupportive family members, false friends, and toxic relationships because they will do their utmost to drag you down into the past.

~

jack collier

jackcollier7@talktalk.net

your false friends would like to see you stay there in the gutter with a bottle

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